When it rains it pours

You know - today was OK. Jon and I went to see the new Harry Potter. It was wonderful. no spoilers here so don't ask.

I am having a hard time motivating myself to shake the walls of my company for a new job. Other than that....

So while we were driving to the theater his cell rang. Didn't know the number so he didn't answer. When we got there early he listened to the message and realized who it was. Old friend. Needs to talk. OK.

During the movie, phone vibrates again - he looks but doesn't answer.

On the way home he says something is amiss as both friends called within an hour of one another.

We picked up laundry and lunch. We got home and he called the first one back. 20 minutes later, he hangs up the phone looks at me and says "Yes it's as bad as you think it is".

My foreboding was right. Again.

One his friends has a substance abuse problem. It's time to intervene. they kept JOn out as much as possible. We can't have this person in our home, only because we don't have the room. This crew is in toxic overload since 3 of them died in the past 5 years. Everyone is roughly in their 40's. Very tough time.

THey are letting it ride through the weekend and then Monday they will tackle it in earnest.

ordinarily we wouldn't take this on. The circumstances are unusual and I can't get into those details, but this one has had a foot on the slippery slope of sub abuse for a long time. Since the first of the three passed. Jon's bro was number 2 and 4 months later Marie.

There's some that need grief counseling. THey are trying to save everyone because they can't take another death. It's a lot of pressure.

It took my mind off my worries for a short time but to be honest - I tend to be a bit of a hardass in these things. Tough love believe it or not. But for a few minutes in the beginning, I said to Jon that I felt so badly that this person hurt this much that this was their only consolation. He was surprised but agreed.

Life is not for faint of heart!

Waiting to exhale

Today was about me.

I woke up and realized it was Wednesday. And this was bad.

I hadn't logged into my company website since Friday. And had no desire to do so.

And didn't.

At 11:30 I called my boss. When I got no response on his landline and his company cell was disconnected I discovered on Tues, I got nervous.

I called HR. I didn't want to - those folks get sensitivity training from Hitler I think. Or GWB. Either way, I really really really didn't want to do this.

But the package is on a timer and each day I don't have it gives me the idea that I will be docked for that. Realistically they can't do that but this company is not known for fair.

I call them and they can't tell me anything. And for one breif moment, I think - wow it's all a mistake!

Then they called back.

At the exact moment the buzzer rang.

The package had arrived.

I opened it, scanned it, made sure the contents matched what I was told would be there and prepared for a bike ride.

I rode for about 45 minutes. Mostly to test my ankle as it is healing slower than I would like.

I returned home and spoke to my boss who gave me the news that not only did they take me from him, they took my right hand from him too. That's a major blow.

I reviewed the document and there's a curious thing in my state. If you are over a certain age, the law states that you have to be advised of exaclty what positions where cut, how many people and the age of those people.

This cut was HUGE. It went deep. Deeper than I think they can afford. But what do I know.

I did the toughest thing - I told the family. They handled it well because I was.

Then I went and had a massage.

Now I feel a bit better.

It's been a LONG time coming

Hello friends.

If any of you are still reading me, bless your hearts because I have been blog dark for months. I was inconsistent at best before that.

I would ordinarily offer up my apologies but I am no longer offering apologies for those things that I cannot control.

There is so much to tell you I do not know where to start so I will start with the most recent events and go backwards from there.

I was laid off from my position with a major telecom firm that I have been with through the darkest and ugliest of times over the past decade.

It's probably one of the worst things next to losing my dad that I have had to go through that is truly permanent.

Not only am I officially unemployed in the worst economy in my lifetime, I am unemployed as the primary source of income in my household.

Aside from the financial issues, there are the emotional and self esteem issues that go with it. Why me? Why Now?

I have no answers for any of this but I can tell you that I am angry. I am hurt and I am scared witless.

But if I am honest with myself, I am mostly burnt out. This job no longer presented me with a sense of accomplishment. It no longer provided me with a sense of urgency and care for my customers. They were suffering at my hand due to indifference.

Which brings me to indifference. Hate is usually equated as the opposite of love. It is not. Indifference? That's the true opposite of love. I once loved my job, the last few months, I was indifferent to it. Effective yes... indifferent MOST DEFINETLY.

So I am now sitting here and trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Which has to be reasonably soon. While I SHOULD receive a gorgeous package - it's not here yet. So until I have it in my hands, I am assuming nothing.

My life is complicated and when one thing fails, the all fail. I am afraid that this will send Jon bolting ( to his credit he's not planning anything like that - that's just me and my personal insecurities), I haven't told my family yet, and I am embarassed beyond capacity. Frightened in ways that defy description and those are two things that don't happen frequently.

I will keep you posted and I promise to write more. I have a lot to tell you all and I promise to backtrack and fill you in while moving this forward.

Best to you all and I hope you stick around to read!