Tis the season

It's March of 2017.

This time, 3 years ago, John was sick.  We thought it was a horrible virus/ cold that had been going around - and he well have had that  - but that's not really what made him feel so crappy.

For the past 2 years I have been ignoring this "season" or the "beginning of the end" in the hopes that I can glide through it and move on to the next phase aka "the day john died"

To back up and fill you in, since John died:

• His cat has died
• My grandmother has died
• His great nephew was born
• 2 nieces have gotten married
• both cars are road worthy
• we are down to one parking spot in our lot
• Our band is doing well
• our government is in shambles

So now I am in this season and I recognized that I was in it by the level of sleeplessness and full out insomnia that I am now experiencing.  Yoga, melatonin, meditation and Valium - nothing works. 

I tried ambien last night.  grogginess till about 2PM.  But I had to do something because I am starting to suffer from the long term effects of sleep deprivation.  

I have other alternatives now - I just had to get myself back on the right cycle. I was not falling asleep before 3-4AM and then I had to wake up 3-4 hours later. It's no way to live. I am much shorter on patience, I can't remember basic words and commonly used phrases and lastly my band has put in an enormous effort to memorize a large amount of music and now I've forgotten the first words to almost all of it. It's frustrating. 

So I am back to writing in the hopes that it will help. 

The Life and Times of The Contessa: A life lived in color is now Blackand White

The Life and Times of The Contessa: A life lived in color is now Black and White

This old post has new relevance.

With the death of my husband barely a month old, I was speaking to his niece, and she said she felt like the world was a little less bright without him in it. It sparked the memory of this post. 

Back then I was writing about my world being black and white when we weren't together. Meaning, when we were broken up.  When we resumed our relationship, my whole world sharpened into fast bright technicolor. 

I've been living happily in that technicolor HD world for 6 years. Married for just under 3. I can safely say that these 6 years have been the best years of my life.  I wouldn't trade them for anything. Except, of course, to have my husband back, as he was, with me. 

I realize that's not possible.  In the space of four months that technicolor started a  gradual fade out.  As was the case in our overall relationship it went back and forth between those two worlds.  Until one day I sat with him as he took his last breath and my whole whirl went straight to black and white. 

Black and white.  It's where I live now. 

Since his passing everything has gone wrong. Our condo was hit by lightning six dats after he passed knocking out the elevators and our intercom system.  One car needs a couple of thousand dollars worth of work and resides in the lot with a flat tire,  my laptop is barely working, his ashes are a week late in coming back, I have to rewrite my will. Select a new executor, and new health proxies, DNRs and DNIs signed, get my name on the plot with my husband so we can be together in the afterlife. I have to get the headstone and have both names put on it because you know someone will screw up the spelling of it. I have all the cremation jewelry picked out for the family.  And myself. Now I need a nice companion urn. Then today I had copyright things to deal with that he started and my license is suspended for a ticked I hot while he was dying. That's already firing dealt with so I'm not worried about but it's just one more thing. 

I'm tired all the time but can't sleep. I wake up when his night terrors would start. I no longer act on them, hut do still wake up. 

Black and white, It isn't right to hold me down and bleed me dry.  Cut the ties that keep me up and night and make me see myself in black and white. - The Staves. 

I always said this world was too hard for him. I'm starting to think it's too hard for me.

It sure is darker now, shining less brightly and in black and white. 

Wake me from this nightmare. 

An Open letter to my husband

Honey,

I sit here in our home writing this letter waiting for you to arrive, possibly ( hopefully) with dinner.

The cats sit by the door, waiting for you too.

There's a movie queued up for us to watch as we have done countless summer nights in the past 8 years.

I have some music going right now as I am putting together our wedding albums to go to print.  I finished your mom's as I felt that one was most important and I am now working on my mom's as well.

I met with the counselor today.  He didn't tell me anything new or or unusual.  I am handling things as best I can and doing better than most and worse than some.  I now have membership to an exclusive club who's membership I did not want nor ask for.  He told me time would help things.  The Post Traumatic Stress Disorder will, in time, go away.  Hard to believe right now, but that's what he said.  He also did not recommend any medication changes. That was harder to believe.

You know, baby, when we aren't together, I miss you terribly.  I love that you text me all day at work, silly things, funny pics of our cats, what you are making for dinner, all that stuff.  You make the days bearable when we are apart.

I know we danced our first dance to "I love you" and the last line is "If ever a man had it all, it would have to be me", but I think WE have it all.

Or we did.

Because, I know you aren't coming home.  Dinner, if I eat at all, is going to be whatever I can dig up. Work is just something that fills the time and our home looks like superstorm sandy went through it.

I can't wake up in the mornings and I wake up in the middle of the night hearing you scream, cry and generally be as scared as a human being can.  Every night.  Whether I was home in our bed, or in the hospital sleeping in a chair.

At the moment this post goes up, you will have been dead 3 weeks.  To the minute.  I can't believe you are gone.  I can't figure out how to breathe, I can't figure out how I am supposed to live the rest of my life without you.  I don't understand any of this.  I am just beside myself.  I cry all the time.  And I mean all the time.  It's spontaneous.  I keep dark glasses around on purpose.

I am told by our friend who lost his wife to the same cancer you had, it's like standing on the edge of a cliff.  In time you learn to take a step backward away from the edge.  But the first year is the hardest.  And you fight not to make that jump or step over the edge.  I spend every day consciously deciding on what to do with that.

As you said to me in the hospital, we lived a lifetime.  We did.  I know we did but I miss you so much and I just want you home.  With me.

I know that had you survived, you would not have been the same man.  I know the tumors changed you and I know that the cancer was too aggressive.

My brain understands it. Now Someone needs to explain it to my heart.

Imagine a plate.  Drop the plate. Look at the broken pieces.  Now.  Apologize to the plate.  Did the plate fix itself? No.

That's how my heart feels.  And I ache for you.

I love you so much more than I ever thought I was capable of.  You loved me so much more than I ever thought possible.  I loved the way you loved me and I fought every minute for the best care out there for you.  I have my own guilt that I should have done more and everyone thinks I"m nuts.  How could I know? I'm not a doctor.

I don't believe that there is a hell in the afterlife.  I never did.

I'm walking through it now, in this life.

I don't blame you and I'm not angry at you.  You fought like a demon, taking your last day of radiation on the same day you drew your last breath with your mom and I at your side.

I will be writing private letters to you from now on.  I needed this one to be public.  Our relationship was written about, dreamed about, negotiated right here on this Blog,  So this letter needed to be public to those people who stood by me then and I am hoping will stand by me now.

I feel blessed that I found the poem/lyrics you wrote for me. I read them every day.  I have two people attempting to set them to music for you.

"Ian's Song"

Seated in anticipation

I'm nervous

Where the hell did that come from?!

Unfinished thoughts catapult

like toads boinging

from one lily pad to the next and the next

with no water beneath to absorb the bounce.

Who was I?

Hell, I hardly know who I am now

Amidst the fray of job stress

Fighting my way to the surface

To breathe.

I'm thinking that way back when

I was better at just floating

Even if it was in the darkness

Of the night's lake that was my home.

You.

You were my music.

In you I found my song.

In your song I found my voice.

In your notes between the lines

My poems joined in.

With you singing, my heart found its beat.

I could breathe. I could breathe. I could breathe.

So here I am seated in anticipation

Nervous

Wondering

How the hell to breathe.

Watching my life bouncing on lily pads

Can't see the bottom if I miss.

No wonder I hate swimming.

It's not 'til you walk in

And I lock my arms around you

And I kiss your beautiful face

And we hold on tight

That I know...maybe I know

It's okay to be

Still.

Maybe if I am still I'll remember I'll remember.

Maybe if I am still I'll float again I'll float.

Maybe in the I am stillness your notes will find me waiting

Maybe in your breath's song I will find my light.

These are my darkest days and I am marking time until we can be together some day.

Missing you always, loving you forever.

Your love, your baby.

Me

The New Year's UN resolution

I have decided that I don't believe in making New Year's resolutions.

This probably surprises you. I have long since made blog lists of all the things that I am going to change, learn, become better at.... all of that. I rarely maintain any of them and so why should I put myself and those I love through the stress of creating yet another list that I may or may not follow?

I came around to this conclusion at the gym while waiting for a treadmill.

Oh wait, you don't know about the gym. My fault since I have not published to this blog in 4 months... I have written many posts, finished none thus none have been published. I'll get back to that. For now, though, the gym.

In September, after I was laid off from that telecom giant, I invested some money into the recreation center here in town. Being a resident and a couple, we were able to save 50 dollars each off a single membership thus saving a total of 100 dollars. I have worked up to 5 days a week since then. I do 30 minutes on the treadmill with 5 at a run. I do 3 days of upper body free weights and two of lower body and abs every day. We have the luxury of an amazing steam room and I make full use of that for 20 minutes every day as well. My skin loves it.

So back to the initial point of the post. Each day I arrive at the gym at a different time this week. Not my norm you realize, being such a creature of habit and a stickler for scheduling, this goes against the grain. But I discover it's necessary. I cannot get on a treadmill, a bike or an elliptical to save my life. And Each day I am getting more and more frustrated and more and more angry.

It was Wednesday that I had the epiphany. I finally got on a treadmill and was finishing up my 30 minute workout ( there is a 30 minute max on ALL equipment I might add). I glanced at the young woman on the treadmill next to me to discover she's been on for 50 minutes already. a bit flummoxed, I look at the gentlemen next to her to see his timer set to 42 minutes. I see red. It occurs to me that the reason I am unable to get a treadmill or any other piece of cardio equipment is the flagrant abuse of the 30 minute courtesy rule.

Hmmm..... I look around the cardio room. It's not posted prominently. Anymore. I finish my workout and march myself into the main office and have a chat with the 11 year old working there. I ask her to please re-post the courtesy rule as clearly we have a lot of new years resolutioners and college kids who don't realize that people who have been going for months do use the equipment too.

And then it hit me. I have just been a victim of the January joiners. All those people who at midnight vowed that this was going to be the year. To get healthy, to lose weight - whatever.

It may sound like I am complaining about the January joiner. I am not, actually. I am complaining about the lack of courtesy when there are other members literally sitting on the stairs, on the floor, lined up in the gymnasium, waiting for equipment and they just look at the TV with that "I am privileged so you must not be looking at me" attitude. That's what gets me.

On the way home, I was musing over this. I made no resolutions at all this year. It didn't even cross my mind. I did decide that after the holidays were over I would go back to my 5 day schedule and start knocking things off the house to do list. But those aren't really resolutions because I have been doing that all along, just took 2 weeks off for the holidays.

The truth is, making that kind of deal on that day is sort of like making a deal with the devil. You are almost destined to fail by putting that kind of pressure on yourself. The truth is, you didn't think of that resolution THAT minute.... it's been on your mind for awhile. Your subconscious has known about it for quite some time. The fact is you really should start those things when it's truly right for you or else you quit. That's why you see so many people join gyms, or weight loss/smoking cessation programs and then by February - poof! It's like they never existed.

I was one of them. For years. I have truly discovered that by taking these things on at my pace, on my time table, I have infinitely more success. Because I was ready when I was ready and not because a specific date arrived and I had to prove something to myself ( or anyone else) that day. Part of the issue is that most of us are so conditioned to make that list that we actually start setting up for it in advance, foolishly thinking, that that day, in fact, is THE day we are ready.

I won't speak for everyone, but for me, when the time is right for me to take that kind of action, I wake up, get dressed and go do it. I don't discuss it, I don't think about it, and I do not plan it. It just happens. If I actually took the time to think it through, it probably wouldn't happen.

I'm doing really well. I enjoy my workouts and they are paying dividends in marvelous ways.

On a side note, I am trying to start writing again. As with all my endeavors, this is going to be a baby step process while I find the rhythm that works best for me.

Happy New Year!!!

A revelation

I have to work.

I know this.

But I discovered in looking for posts on line tonight that I don't know if I want to go back and do what I did.

The fact of the matter is, no matter how much I don't want it to be true, I am completely burned out of that job.

I look at postings for jobs I Should be suited for, and probably am, and I have this horrible aversion to hitting the "apply" button. I just don't want it. My gut is SCREAMING at me.

oh to be young again and say " I want to be a princess when I grow up" .

Burnout is a scary thing. Not working is also a scary thing. Simply put, I'm kind of like a deer caught in the crosshairs of life.

A short post tonight. but I think you all get the gyst of where I am coming from.

The universe and it's messages

It's really interesting.

When something happens to you that on the surface looks bad, how do you react? What does it mean?

I recently found myself on the receiving end of the 11AM phone call on a RIF day. I have only heard about it up to then and I have to tell you it's every bit as bad as you think it's going to be.

For me, the worst part is how it tore my boss apart to have to make that call to not one of his team leads ( me) but both. He lost his top two producers that day and the team is likely to be disbanded before the year is out.

For the past two decades I have had two phases of my career. The first 10 years, I affectionately refer to as my 20's I look back at on my 30th birthday. I was unhappy with the look of my life. Work was my only priority. I gave up things in favor of my job.

That job ending ,a month before I turned 30, forced me to evaluate what I was doing and what direction I wanted my life to go in. I got my new job which had me commuting to NYC each day and I was worshipped and revered by my company and clients.

That was 2 weeks AFTER I turned 30. A total of 6 weeks out of work. I never even filed for unemployment!

Of course, the economy was better. At least initially. I managed to work at MCI after it turned into WCOM and we all know how THAT ended, then back to MCI then Verizon then VerizonBusiness.

Turning 40 and having lost my job a month later in an economy that is so poor and frightening right now, made me review my life and my choices.

I have a lot of fear in me. I was always a fearful child. I didn't like change - I still don't.

I was afraid that as the primary household breadwinner, now out of work, my household would collapse. It didn't.

I was afraid my partner was secretly only here for the money - he isn't.

I was afraid that losing my job was somehow my fault - it wasn't.

I was afraid that unemployment would turn me down - they didn't.

I am afraid that the money will run out. Jon had a plan. A good one. And without my knowledge or discussion met me and some friends for what I affectionately refer to as our Pub crawl last week and started talking to restaurants about himself and us. We can earn money with our music.

He decided that I was right about that business. Merge my performing and teaching with his performing and voila - a business has formed.

We are not yet incorporated though that is in discussion and a plan is being worked out - but what we are doing in preparation for that day, is collecting our receipts and creating a business plan and operating as if we were already incorporated.

Being the finance and VP to be - I am being VERY prudent with the package I got. I paid off the car - I own it fully now. We use it as the primary vehicle except for gigs because it is the car that's in better condition and newer. I paid all the insurance for the year - homeowners and car. All other bills are current or ahead.

Financially we are somewhat secure. For awhile.

I continue every day to network and try to find a job while working at the new business with additional fervor.

For me, the issue is still change. I'm less afraid of it now. Jon doesn't let me get afraid, he jumps ahead and anticipates my reaction - as much as he can. Its still hit or miss but I can't deny it has made this life transition so much easier in many respects.

We have joined the Rec Center here in town and I now work out several times a week. We got his bike fixed so we can ride together. We go to concerts or bands and hang with our friends a couple of nights a week. I am amazed at how free this feels and I am actually enjoying this time more than I thought.

Don't get me wrong, I still stress. The relationship has taken a few hits of late requiring some additional work when things crop up. You can't be the age the two of us are and not have some shit back up on you! It's not even possible.

The thing that backs up on us most, believe it or not, is miscommunication. And some trust. I won't go out there and say there isn't trust, but I always thought the trust problem was mine and I discovered that it wasn't. We are working through that by communicating and laughter. Sometimes there's yelling and sometimes there are tears - largely frustration. But we try every day in every way.

His health is still a priority with me and we now have a medicaid advocate. In two hours she was able to solve problems that took us months of red tape - she's amazing and we love her. She's the mom of an up and coming musician and her husband is a musician friend of ours as well.

My health is a priority with him as well and we work on solutions for my skin all the time.

I don't recall the last time I took time like this for myself to enjoy and just be. It's wonderful and amazing and a little bit scary. But I kind of like it and being with Jon enables me to work through change so that it's less scary.

I know that things will work out for me in the future, but for now, I'm having some fun for a change.