Writer's Block

I don't really have writer's block. I have tons of things can write about. But sometimes too much information is simply.... too much.

I have developments in my love life that are really great. But I feel firstly, talking about them will jinx them ( remember how I am not superstitious.) and secondly, some things are just meant to be private. Just know that I am on the road that I want to be on.

I have developments in my career. These are less great. I have a direct manager who micro manages me ( and my team) to the brink of insanity. I want to shake him mand ask him if he's bored. But I don't.

Instead I have given up trying to play stupid in order to asuage his bruised ego. He is afraid of women with fine intellect. He spends as much time as possible riding us on stupid trivial things in order to drive us completely mental. The end result is, instead of a simple "ok" to him, I now say, "I took care of that and confirmed in email a few hours ago". Which generates anger. I refuse to deny my talents in that way. I will treat him the respect due his title, but I will not dumb myself down.

I got some of my house in shape, I'm pretty pleased with it. I have the rest scheduled. I no longer freak out when Maria is coming to clean.

I s tarted exercizing again. I feel great. I lost 3 of the 5 lbs I had gained. I am working on my skin which is getting better. I found a dress but I nee to add sleeves or change the neckline and my seamstress will KILL me as she HATES the type of material. I am still looking.

We shall this one writer's block and hopefully have more to tell you soon.

Uneasy

I have had a week of revelations. not all good.

First, I spoke to a friend of mine on Sunday who knew something about the Choral group that is recruiting me.

She mentioned that the director was a bit of a tyrant and she wouldn't work with her. If I didn't care, that was my choice, but she wanted me to know going in. Not sure I can do two tyrants a week....

The update there is that they rehearse on Tuesday nights and I am locked into a recording contract through mid February and all those rehearsals are on Tuesday nights. Which is a bummer for me. I very much wanted to try this kind of singing and it seems like a lot of fun. Maybe in February and I will inquire about seasonal singing with them.

Secondly. I put 5 lbs on that don't seem to want to leave. I know why they are there and I know what I need to do and I am just frustrated. Don't mind me, I just need to bitch a bit.

So I am putting my exercize routine back in place tomorrow. Two times a day. No discussions. No ifs' ands or butts.... pun TOTALLY intended.

I have a friendship that's slowly dying and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I guess I need to let it go. So to that end, I have decided that the last phone call I made this past week i sthe last one . I can't change this now but I left a somewhat sarcastic message out of frustration for lack of contact for which I am sorry.

But my perception is that I am carrying it alone and I can't do it anymore, and you can't know how it kills me inside as I feel like I am the failure here. I have done everything that I know to do to keep a friendship alive and flourishing long distance and in the end, I am the one who failed her. I couldn't reach her to tell her this live in person, and I won't send it in an email. If she reads this, I'm so sorry. I loev you and I'm sorry I failed you in this. I won't contact you or bother you anymore, but I am here if you need me, you just need to reach out. I'll miss you.

Which brings me to my current problem. Periodically, I suffer from this feeling of failure. In the case above, it's kind of true. But usually it's in my own head.

I feel like I am not the best person that I should be. I recently won an award for ALS Chairperson for the Kiwanis club. I was thrilled. And I don't feel like I deserve it. At all. So I am bothered by that. I know the family would tell me I am crazy.

I feel like my weight problems are another source of failure. Oh no matter that I took off 25 lbs. I still don't feel like it's enough.

I feel incompetent at work - why ??? Because my boss treats me like I am. How long are you treated badly before you believe it's true?

I don't feel in slightest bit attractive due to some criticsm of late. Doctors and friends and what not. I have skin atrophy on my face from overuse of steroids. Could I be any more of an idiot? I , of all people, know better. it's getting better but not fast enough. My own vanity caused it - isn't that sad???

My house is surface wise fine - you would never know that under the surface lies a mass of unorganized chaos. I am working on that.

Maybe at the young age of thirty - something, I am having a midlife crisis. And I am on the brink of getting the exact things that I want. So explain this situation to me. Someone.

I am a very intense and dramatic person, despite my attempts to not be. I have given up trying to be what I am not and am concentrating on being a better version of who am. Sometimes, in the explorations, that means I have doubts about myself. I don't feel worthy of the people in my life and I then suffer some insecurities.

My issues here are largely communication related and fear driven. I know this and recognize it and am trying very hard to make those problems go away. I have some plans for this. OH and I am not patient. I'm better at it, but I am not patient.

I'm just uneasy. Ill at ease.

and this too shall pass.

Gold Dust at my feet

I've snapped out of it. All of it.

Here's the last few days in a recap:

My best friend came and stayed a couple of more days with me, it was entirely lovely AND I didn't freak out. In fact I did a load of laundry, the dishes and conducted my normal business as if he wasn't here. The housekeeper came and cleaned with him here too.

I realized that I needed to chill. I'm getting better at this. I'm happy about it.

We both have gigs on Friday so we can't see each other perform. Ah such is the life of musicians.

I attended the vigil service on Tues and the wake on Wed for Ella's mom. It was heartbreaking and happy all in one. She and I are going rekindle our friendship, its all still there. It's lovely and it makes me so happy.

I spent some quality time with my God Daughter at the wake, she is now 15 and beautiful. I helped her pick a song for Vocal Jazz auditions in school. We had a lovely time. I missed her so much and she has grown up so lovely.

When I came home both nights, my best friend was still here. It was entirely lovely.

My oldest friend sounds OK and that makes me happy but she's got a long haul on her hands.

My other friend Lily has decided to try marriage again. Given my stress level on the subject, her optimism is infectious and I fund myself smiling and happy for her. I was at the last one, so was my best friend for that matter, and we are invited to this small but elegant affair in Newport RI. Black tie, hotel room comped for the night, I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun and I am so happy for her.

We have a number of formal events coming up and I am thrilled because he is coming with me!

I feel like I am walking on air now. Things turn around so quickly in this world. I am happy. Generally speaking, happiness prevailed because in front of her mother's casket, Ellan and I sat and talked for half an hour. We have always had each other's lives in the focus through mutual friends, but we haven't talked until I called her in Dec. We missed each other and it was like not a day had passed. I hate keeping up with Liz through her babysitter but I was out of options. Now I don't have to.

My best friend was doing his sound engineering in the city working doubles which means home at 2-3AM and up again and on the train by 6AM for another day of it. He ha a couple of weeks of this leading up to 9-11 when he went in to see his friends from the morgue of 9-11. Every year they meet and go to the service together then to mass at St Pat's. Then he came to me. Contrite for not calling which is unacceptable.

Things are going so much better for me. I even lost 3 lbs of the superficial weight gain.... Yay me - 3 more to go!

The master juggler

You know those Meme's that fly around the internet? They invariably ask the most idiotic question I have heard.

"Can you Juggle"

and honestly the only people who ever answer in the positive are people I generally work with.

The answer is "that is my entire job".

Because in our chosen career, multi-tasking is the only to stay equal with the curve. If fortunae smiles on you and you actually get ahead of the curve, you won't be there long so don't get comfortable. I had a boss who used say, if you are ahead of the curve and things are slow, use that time to tighten up the process, not loosen.

And I have managed my life and career that way.

As a single person, managing a career, being a homeowner, pet owner, friend, family member, car owner, lover, it's a tough juggle. You have to manage all of these things and still find time for yourself.

This same boss was once going through a divorce after 16 years of marriage and two kids. After that was over and she started dating again, a man she was dating said to her "I can only hope that I can be considered for the fourth or fifth slot in you priority list." When she asked how he arrived at that position, he told her "You are your own first priority. Your children are your second. Your family is your third and your career is your fourth. "

That was 8 years ago. She is no longer seeing that man which makes me sad as we liked him for her a lot. But his points stuck with me. They are really important. I have always tried to live my life that way too.

Given my life events of late in my romantic life and my career, I see a shift in my priorities and my family and friends have noticed the slow Darwinian shuffle starting to change around me.

My life prior to April went like this:

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Career
4. The Contessa

My life now looks more like this

1. The Contessa
2. Her Best Friend
3. Her Career
4. Her Family
5. Her Friends

But that is not consistent day to day. I am not good at adding that fifth element and juggling the whole stack well. And Honestly I am a true master juggler. I can run a conf call on topic A, while writing up orders for Client B, updating Spreadsheets for Client A and carrying on several IM conversations. At the same time.

So why can't I juggle all of this? Why do I feel like I am failing miserably at some class like Math? I am really trying to find time to include everything and something rise to the top when necessary and some things float back to the bottom. And yes, I know that is normal. But I can't seem to get into a routine and rhythm. The last thing I want to be is the girl who dumps her friends now that she's involved. Regardless of what the relationship is or how important it is, it's still a priority when that call comes in.

I have a crazy week ahead of me. I have not slept well in a week. My blood pressure is riding a bit high for the stress that's in my life today.

I need to get to Friday. Once I'm there, I'll breathe a sigh of relief. the juggling will have stopped.

At least temporarily.

23

Today I started really mentally focusing on what I was consuming since I was slightly elevated in weight yesterday.

I started out by weighing myself prior to doing anything else, literally. That number was already down. I am only .8 of a lb over my lowest number.

Sweet.

So I took my day in stride, pressure and stress be damned. I went back to my ol' reliable for food. I ate my lean cuisines.

I cranked up the water.

I did the 15 minute version of pilates.

I am drinking green tea in the mornings on stressful days rather than coffee. That's not as much a healthy substitute as much as a lazy substitute.

Physically I feel better, my skin has a glow and I am wearing a pair of jeans in a size I haven't seen in a few years.

Emotionally and healthily, not as good. My emotional state, of which 85% is due to the job, is not that great. I am actually planning to step up the activity to help combat that. That stress and pressure is causing my blood pressure to go up and down.

I am in a smaller size and I keep forgetting how significant 23 lbs really is. I just keep thinking that I have so much to lose still, that I truly forget how significant a number this is.

I can't wait to fit into the smaller sizes I have in my closet.

Random items from yesterday

I've taken to titling my posts AFTER I've written them. I'm always afraid that will be the most creative thing about the post.

I spoke at my Kiwanis meeting last night. I hadn't planned on it, but our presdent asked me to give an update on my best friend's brother. One year after our fundraiser, the prognosis is not wonderful. On my way there though, I called to see how his doctor appt went. He didn't go as they rescheduled for next week. He wanted to come over and watch some more movies.

I smiled all the way to the meeting. Really Goofy stuff right?

I crack myself up. I make fun of women who get starry eyed. Or at least I used to. I can't really do that anymore without being somthing of a hypocrite.

***************************************************************************************

I noticed yesterday that my weight was up ever so slightly. I reviewed my eating habits and strategies and gave myself a mental headslap. On Weight watchers, depending on your actual weight, the number of points you are allowed to eat will change. You would have thought that someone who dropped 23 pounds on a program she has been on for 10 years would have remembered that. I have been eating an extra two points every day this week. Resulting in a slight elevation in the overall number. no biggie, It's certainly not a big enough number to make me freak out. It's not yet affecting how my clothes fit, but it needes to be taken care of now. So no pizza, no eating out, no ice cream, minimal alcoholic content. just for a bit.

I'm in an unsupported critical situation at work. Unsupported meaning my management is not supporting it actively. I am doing 100 % of the work and I still don't know if it will go the way I want it too. It's very uncomfortable. I feel in a way that I am beinng set up and on the other hand it could realy make me look good. We'll see.

I"m heading for bed - I am too old for 4AM nights.

Status Quo - "for now"

With my best friend no longer being his brothers keeper, I have found myself worrying less about him on one hand and a little bit more about us on the other. He's sufficiently starting to be on the mend for which I am grateful to God. His downward spiral, while totally predictable, was alarming.

I suppose that my worrying about us is not as critical as I thought it was, though it's not completely at bay. Last night, his first official day of freedom, he called me to bring me dinner and watch some films. I had a call that I could not miss at 8:30 for work, and he didn't even care. He slept through it. Some of the snoring intentional to get me off the phone faster.... he slept right on my lap while my team had our first call of many.

The thing that I noticed first was that in our relaxing of the vigilance we have both been observing over the past 4 months, nay, the past 5 years, was that we are both exhausted. Sleep takes on a whole new meaning. We talk about things that are of interest to both of us and he's taken more of an interest in my life and my past that he was just unable to focus on before. We did some pictures and conversation over dinner. It was entirely lovely.

Until things get to a more settled place where he has a regular job, and sadly, his brother passes, I don't expect the relationship to get where I want it to be. And I am enjoying what is happening now, while slightly uneasy because I abhor change, it's really better than it's ever been.

This has forced me to look at some things in my life that weren't working that I need to address. It's strange actually. Things you thought you had dealt with months or years ago suddenly arriving on your doorstep clamoring for your attention.

My job was the first thing to reach up and grab me in a choke hold. I am not alone in this and we are addressing it. An action plan is being put in place and a series of conf calls for planning sessions. We each have some hard thinking to do about how far we are willing to go, but there is at least a glimmer of light and hope.

The other thing is my home. I've got a commission check coming in on Friday that will enable me to catch up on a couple of things, buy my new A/C and start saving up to replace my, shhhhh, refrigerator. I bought a new gown for a formal event that my best friend is taking me too. I am madly in love with this dress and I am so excited that 23 lbs down I can fit into it.

My music has suffered unbearably and I need to get back to that. I actually brought all my books into the house from the car so I could work during the day. I have so much rep to learn and not enough hours in the day. I'm starting to get verbal about what I like and don't like and I"m standing up to it. I DO NOT want to sing anything else from "Merrily we roll along". I don't like it and that's that. I did start playing around with a new tune from Lady in the Dark called my ship.

I have to work on some of my relationships. Seriously. It's time for a little honesty here. I h have friends who hate the phone. I call them and one out of every 10-15 calls get returned. I understand the hows and whys that go into it, but its time for people to hear my side.

I myself hate email. If you got 500-700 emails per day - and that's just for work, you wouldn't want to be anywhere near it either. I make the concession for my friends sometimes, but truthfully, those of you phone haters - step up! I did, I check and answer email though I regularly wish to toss my laptop out the window by 5PM each day. And I'm on a high enough floor that it will do damage to it. I feel the same way about instant messenger. I am on 1 personal, 3 work related ones every day. I shut them down most times at night and will only talk to people on them during the day or for some select group of friends in the evening. ( you all know who you are). The phone is the only thing I can stand because I can truly multi task while on it. So there it is guys.

Friendship is a two way street. If you email me and I take the time to return it, knowing how much I detest it, please take the time to return the phone call I might make. I will recognize the effort as much as I know you guys will recognize the effort of my returning the Email. Thus endeth the lecture. Please understand that I needed to come clean and let you know that I appreciate your honesty and now it's my turn .

I need to start going back to church regularly, I have been using that time to sleep. I know, sad.

I need to add more activity to my life. I'm doing it, but it's not consistent. So I need to work on that.

health and skin - they are so susceptible to stress. I am working on my skin now and it's got good days and bad days. I have some kind of inner ear thing that makes me really uncomfortable but I have some drugs now.

I have doctor appts that need to be made and I am scheduling my third Brazilian wax for this week. It's not so bad now. The trick is to take aleve before you go in - and take a double dose, less pain.

I have been really reviewing things in my life and while thins are going well I have one small piece of stress, my best friend is having the lump on his neck looked at today and I haven't heard back yet whats up. I'm praying though.

Pray with me too please. He's everything to me.

Another day in hell ( the opposite of Another day in Paradise)

The week is over.

I can safely tell you that I have no idea where it went. Honestly.

days ran into each other, the line from one day to the next blending so specifically that I have no clue what day it was.

It was an odd feeling to know that I didn't actually LEAVE the house until Wednesday evening.

I had a slightly better day today, for two reasons. My old boss, the one I adore, stopped bashing me publicly all week and started helping me out. All is not forgiven yet, but much of it is.

The second reason is it's Friday. My housekeeper was here. I warned her up front that criticism will not be appreciated today. That didn't stop her, but it did make her understand when I snapped at her. She had the stupidity to criticize how I take care of my roses. THEY JUST GOT DELIVERED THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? So when she was done, I asked her if there was anything else that I wasn't doing correctly that she needed to advise me on. She laughed and apologized and said that it was clearly not my week.

My groceries were delivered and my favorite ice cream was in there. I smiled and dreamed about that until I couldn't stand it anymore and ate it for dinner. Yum

I got a lot done today. IN fact I got a lot done this week. despite the fact that no one will give me the database that I need to true up my data against. I don't want to hear it when stuff is missing. seriously I don't.

I had to advise my PM to stop allowing the mudslinging on calls. Its not productive and it tears the fabric of the team apart.

Then I noticed the fruit flies. Loads and loads and loads of them.

I hate bugs. All bugs. well - not lady bugs. But generally all bugs.

Don't misunderstand - I'm not afraid of any of them I just hate them.

I spoke to the exterminating company that's on retainer for my condo. They don't treat for fruit flies. Why you may ask?

They have a lifespan of less than 4 hours. However they multiply like wildfire. So the trick is to not let them land for too long as that is supposedly when they mate. I find it hard to believe however I am not an expert on fruit flies.

In lieu of bug spray, I used oust. When I ran out of that ( not the best choiice by the way), I went to windex. it worked for the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding so why not?

Seriously it worked. They like to land on mirrors and glass so you can kill two birds with one stone. You can clean the glass and kill the bugs all at once!

I took an almost sadistic pleasure in killing them off. I figure as long as I force the numbers down, I figure the rest will die the slow death that I have been promised.

It's the end of the week. I really needed to spend time with my best friend and he needed to spend time with me. It was just not an option this week. Though we tried. Hard.

I have a technique that I use for weight watchers a lot. It's called Mental Rehearsal.

I use it for more than just weight loss though. I find that when I need to have conversations that are very important, I use that technique. When I need to do anything difficult, I use mental rehearsal. It helps me to guide the outcome in a way that is respectful and beneficial to all parties.

I was rehearsing a conversation that I was going to have with a family member regarding the situation with my best friend. really - truly - it's not their business. However, given the fact that it's taken some affects on me, a small explanation may be necessary. I haven't officially decided whether to do it or not. But one of the comments that came into my mind during the mental rehearsal was that we are fighting to stay in each other's lives.

Isn't that an interesting line. Fighting to stay in each other's lives. In effect fighting to stay together. When people have found their soul mates, its very hard to walk away. There is a connection and it doesn't go away. even when you walk away. It's true.

I know. Because I've done it. And I tried to do it a second time. And I havenn't been successful because there is wisdom that comes with age. Not just for me. He is fighting to keep me too. Flattering - hell yes. Realistic? don't know yet.

The minute that we get him a job and working full time again, his life will change.

And so will mine. I can roll with this punch too, but come on. You guys KNOW I hate change.

I am just afraid that this change will be the thing that changes US. Now yes, that can be for the good OR the bad. Because I tend to be unlucky in love, I tend to be a little pessismistic and don't think that the change will be for the good.

I am reminded of my mom. She wouldn't marry my step dad right away. She was afraid that marriage would change their relationship. They lived together for years. She finally married him and they are still married. And happy. she calls him her prince charming.

But such is my love for him that I need him to be happy. And he's not. It has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with his situation with his brother. I need him to be settled and happy. It's that important to me that this happen soon. And if it comes to pass that we fall apart, I will deal with the loss of color. And if he gets his act together and we change for the better, then the color will just explode further in my life and that will be wonderful.

And thus ends my last day in the week from hell. I wish I could have high hopes for next week, but alas, I do not. My leader comes back from vacation and he's going to make this whole exec escalation worse by talking me to death while I try to get work done. I am not planning to do another week like this.

It is officially the weekend and this time is my time.

MY TIME.

Burn Out

I just determined a new symptom of burn out for me.

This is really interesting.

When I am suffering from burnout and/ or work stress - I compulsively eat. I mean volume times ten.

Put me back into emotional stress regarding family or relationships? I lose weight from lack of appetite.

Isn't that bizarre? If I had noticed this before, I would be a LOT thinner now. I can't believe it took me this long to notice.

I am umder extreme - and I mean extreme - pressure right now. I have been back from my vacation for exactly 3 days. and in those three days I have worked about 15 hours per day. Without a break until today. I left the home office for the first time in three days at 6:30 PM. I was out for one hour and half. I came home and ate dinner - a lot incidentally - while I was working. And as I write this, I am still working.

This won't last for long as the executive esc has turned logical people into bumbling silly people. We can't grant each other the common courtesy of being able to speak on a conf call. Everyone is so eager to provide a solution that they ask questions repeatedly and don't wait for the answers, hence the repetition. Our PM is wonderful but this has spiraled out of control. I get screamed at on average 1 time per day by my director and multiple times per day from someone else's manager.

I finally burst into tears. Fortunately for me - in the privacy of my own home.

I know there is a lot of burnout here, on my part. I am combatting it as best I can, but I Can't NOT work at this juncture. There is entirely too much to do and not enough hands to do it.

I never thought I would say this, but the emotional stress of my relationship with my best friend is preferable.

At least it enables me to lose weight.

Pot Pourie

Part Un

I was unable to post for a couple of days out of fear.

Fear that my laptop was about to crash.

I came home and turned it on, and it kept re-booting.

I finally gave up, shut it down and called the help desk to open a ticket.

Then it suddenly flashed on and said "Memory size modified" and lo an behold my laptop sprung to life.

Still worried about the data, I shut it down till This morning when I could speak to a technician.

I am 15 days away from warranty expiration which ironically is bad. If it had expired, I would have a brand new laptop. But alas, It it so I am getting a refurbished system board, ac adapted and battery. Woo f'n hoo.

I worked through the day on a laptop that was so slow you could hand write what I was doing faster. I was unable to open too many programs or it would crash.

Part Deux

It was while trying to work on my slower than molasses laptop, that I was asked to join a quick conf bridge with my PM on my project.

*** Please note that I have been on vacation for the past week ***

I join and we go through the same old litany of "how many orders... what is a Satellite.... are we done putting new orders in..... " Really after 6 months you'd think they could come up with some questions.

The next thing I know, we have directors joining the call. Evidently the customer esc to our VP. I'm not really one to point fingers but the majority of the issues we have been trying to overcome are the customers. We are literally killing ourselves and all I heard was my director telling me that I didn't push hard enough.

Now. I was - am, very disturbbed by that statement. They want me to be empowered to get the job done, but then they take my escalation chain away. My boss has known of these issues for months and I am being blamed for not calling someone I didn't even know was associated with this project?

Not crazy about this one. But given that the director and I are friendly I may choose to have a side conversation with him on this.

Part Trois

Or I may start looking for a new gig. I am seriously tired. Drained and tired. I suspect some burnout. I'm going to wait it out a bit and see if I bounce back. This may have just been a bad day.

Part Quatre

The two days with no laptop were peaceful. More so than I had expected. Very relaxing.

Part Cinq

I suspect the burnout is two fold - part from personal issues and part from work related issues. It feels like there is no safe haven for me right now. I was able to use work to get away from personal and personal to get away from work, but now I don't want EITHER an I want BOTH.

So it's a little bit frustrating.

Part Six

I hit 20 lbs officially this morning. I was thrilled. Considering I spent yesterday sleeping and on the couch reading my HP book.

Part Sept

My houuse is a flipping disaster. I have to pick it up, do laundry, run the dishwasher - all those things.

Part Huit

My personal definition of depression:

1. When my house is let go within an inch of its life
2. I eat way too much or way too little
3. I don't feel like going out
4. I work way too much
5. I cancel appts or meetings with friends
6. I stop caring about my bills

Good news here is I am really only dealing with 1 and the potential for 4 exists but I am fighting it. So no, not depressed and my counseling sessions are also in accordance with that. But it was brief concern for me.

What they have shown however is that I am in a situation that can be very frustrating as well as being fulfilling. I am also in circumstances that require a lot of personal strength, something I am not very good at. I am the woman who will re-create herself for a man. To be the perfect person for the relationship I am in. And I have done that, albeit unsuccesfully, once with the same person. But now, no. In the immortal words of Popeye:

I yam who I yam

And it's paying off. Better than I thought.

So Finit.

Je suis Fatigue.

I am going to sleep now.

Other Men's Cross are not my own

I woke up this morning, and a wave of sadness rushed over me like tsunami. I went back to bed and woke up at 1PM. I had been dreaming about Rod.

When I was about 20 years old, Rod, gave me some very important advice regarding a boyfriend I had who had a drinking problem.

He said "Contessa, your shoulders are only this wide" Gesturing the distance from one of my shoulders to the other.

"You can't carry your own cross and other people's full time. You can give them relief from time to time and if they love you, they will give you relief from time to time. "

"What my mother, Nellie, used to say is, Other men's crosses are not my crosses."

I thought of that this morning. His 58th birthday would have been yesterday had he lived. We lost him last year to an accident resulting from the pain of the cancer that would ultimately get him.

Other men's crosses are not my crosses.

Do not get the idea that I have adopted my best friends issues as my own. I have not. I am, however, in the position to do the things that need doing on the research end that can help him and his family while they are still actively caring for his dying brother.

I had to decline learning how to feed him. It just was in so many ways the wrong thing to do. Though I love him, if something happened to his brother under my watch, I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else to help relieve the pressure.

So this is my choice. I called upon receipt of the desperation email that he sent and offered to assist in this way. And that was accepted.

So while it is someone Else's cross, I am carrying it for now. Because I love him and because I think his family needs relief. I know what this feels like. I was there with my dad. And I only carried the responsibility for 4 hours a day when he was home and all hospital trips were split between my stepmom and I. With that little bit, I was able to carry on for 7 years, with moving from one county to another to be closer, taking a job with the understanding that I would have to leave by a certain time to be home for my shift.

Given the fact that my dad has been gone now 4 years in June, I realize that I still have 3 years to go before I am out of that situation as long as I was in it.

It's ironic. The day my dad died, I stood on the scale and realized that it was at a number that I wasn't happy with, but my clothing still fit.

I remember the day of the wake. The family went out to eat at the diner across the street from the funeral home. I ate like I had never seen food before. And didn't care. After the last person left the funeral home that night, I went out with the family again, and ate like I had never seen food before.

I gained 42 pounds in the 4 years after my dad died. 42 lbs sitting in WW meetings week after week. I can only imagine how much more that number would be if I hadn't been sitting there.

But, I lost 18 of that. Actually its close to 20 now. I only have 22 to go to get back to where I was 4 years ago.

It's funny, I picked up someone Else's cross and carried it, while working, hard, on my own.


I'm not upset about my decisions here. I made them, intelligently, and I didn't do it with any ulterior motives. I did this for someone I care about, because he asked for help. Being a person who doesn't often ask for help, and loving someone who is exactly like that himself, when it is asked for, it's usually way past the point where it will be easy. And it's not. But it is something that I am good at and capable of doing. I have the right people in place, the right information available and I am putting the files together to make this task easier on the family.


When my dad died, I didn't know what I needed. He showed up at my door with Chinese food and a six pack of beer for him and my favorite wine for me. He slept on the couch. The next night, another friend who was not going to be up here for the funeral, showed up with dinner and took all calls for me. Another friend, showed up one night with the biggest frozen yogurt she could muster up and stayed with me that night.


These people, these very same people are the people that his email was addressed to. I had dinner last night with with the friend who brought the yogurt and her mom. This dinner served a couple of things. I haven't seen her mom in awhile, so that was nice. I needed to be with this friend. She is the one who has my dad hanging around her aura. It got me out of the house AND Her mom is one of those formidable people who knows everyone in the town. She is going to be an asset here. I am already in discussions about jobs for him with her.


In times of trial, these people picked up my cross and carried it. They got me through the funeral and kept me busy and occupied for months afterwards.


That's love. That's what love is too.

Women who need to go away to "think"

I have noticed that when I need to seriously sort out my life, I need to be far away from the day to day world that I live in.

Most times I pack my bags and go someplace. I once timed it perfectly so that I was sorting my life out IN Paris, Amsterdam and Brussells. I got a lot sorted out on the other side of the pond. All the things that were bothering me, didn't, so I was able to see what I needed to change. And in such a gorgeous place! But I do feel I missed a lot as I was absorbed with some major issues.

Some people tend to make fun of women who need to "get away" to sort things out. They don't understand that sometimes removing oneself from the day to day makes it easier to step back and look at the things that aren't working and create a plan with which to adjust and move forward.

It's really just a perspective thing. When you change the "view" of your life, it's easier to make the changes necessary. Think of Robin Williams with his Carpe Diem statement.... He made all those boys stand on the desk, view the room and then jump off. Everyone thought he was nuts but it changed the perspective of the room and new information was able to be seen and absorbed.

I've always done this. Even as a child I would take breaks from reality and visit my own little world in my head. As I got older, the divorce forced me to be in different places so the perspective was different evert 2 weeks. And summers.

I am at a disadvantage this time. I cannot take the amount of time needed to go someplace and sort things out. My job simply can't tolerate it right now. We are down people due to other vacations and the timing on my project is poor. It would be highly irresponsible of me to put ME first in this area.

Having done the unthinkable for me, I am even more surprised that I was able to do it without taking a trip somewhere, even for a day, to sort out and review the situation far away from the day to day. I should have though. THough I have no idea where I want to be either. I can go back Paris, but who wants to be in the city of Lights when you are heart is dark? Italy would depress me, The Carribean sounds wonderful but it's hurricane season. I can't afford Fire Island for more than a day trip, although the idea of sitting on a beach all day and then drinking at Flynns to the reggae band sounds like a hell of an idea. And I wouldn't be the first person to sleep on the beach when I missed the ferry back to mainland.

The fact is I retreated to my favorite childhood haunt. My head. From that safe place, I was able to make the decision that was most difficult for me. I am still not entirely secure with it and lets face it, it's far from over at this point.

I firmly believe that to get your bearings straight in order to make plans for your future, getting away from your past and present will help present them in a specific relief that helps you make more accurate and better decisions.

I was always the kid that thought I could fly. I was the kid who expected to grow up and be a princess. I was always a little bit dramatic and was called Sarah Heartburn by my mom throughout my life. The reality is, I am all those things. I may not be a princess, but I am a Contessa, I am dramatic and I am hiding behind my Dolce and Gabbana Sunglasses and a big floppy hat right now.

I am Rachel in "friends" and Grace in Will and Grace. When Grace breaks up with Nathan ( Woody Harrelson), she takes to her bed. She refuse to get up and when she does she brings the bed with her. At some point, she finds the slides of her childhood and makes Rosario watch them with her "Ro Ro where are you goin?" " I'm going out for some popsecret - I like a snack when I see a slide show."

I realized on the drive to my mom's on Wednesday that I was doing all of those things. I am more or less wearing the bed. I sleep all the time and on the drive to my moms, I drove through the development we grew up in ( the house was raised a number of years ago in order to BUILD the development but parts of the estate are still there), I then drove down the road that my best childhood friend grew up on ( her house is now pink - we just won't go there) and passed by Mark's house ( It looks EXACTLY the same) before turning the corner to my mom's condo. Each stop, or pause, brought memories flooding back about how much fun we had. The stupid things we all did. The laughs, the tears - all of it.

That was the review of my past.

I spoke to one of my best girlfriends today. She felt the pull to call me. She had had her aura read this week. There was a spirit attached to her, a mentor, with piano and keyboards, who passed on in the last 5 years. It was my dad. And she felt this urge to call me. We don't talk on the phone a lot, but even more rarely when we re both at home. She woke me up, and I wanted to wake up and talk to her.

We talked about the aura. I told her about all the psychic stuff that's been happening to me the last two weeks. It all seems related. It's like my dad is coming to me through her. Which means I must be ignoring his signs.... whatever they are.

That's the review of the future.

I told her the public stuff that's been going on with my best friend. She doesn't know the private. It's private. But, She does know that something is wrong. Something isn't well with me. She's right of course, but I can't tell her. I can't afford history to repeat itself.

We spoke for an hour. Afterwards I felt good. I got out of bed, I put on real clothes and went to Weight watchers. I lost 1.8 lbs. Then I went to pick up my Mary Kay products and then I went home.

This was a review of the present.

It was on the way home when I decided that I missed him and wanted to speak to him. I called his cell and told him that. He was softer on the phone. He really wants me to go to the party today. He said it again. I told him it will all depend on how fit for company I am. He laughed and said he totally understood. We had a nice talk. It was only a few minutes. I told him I was thinking about him and his brother and he said he really appreciates that. I told him if he wants to get away, my door is open. He said he would try tomorrow.

A review of the present.

I need to get away at some point. I do. But for now, I am using the escape hatch in my head. I am reviewing my past to see where I have been. I am reviewing the present to see what needs to change and hopefully by the time I can get away, I will have a better idea of what path I need to be on for my future.


But hey - I lost 1.8 for a grand total of 17.2. That is nothing to sneeze at!

That trust thing and it's link to self - esteem

Since I was a little girl, I have always believed that God tested us with life events to see how we react so we will be stronger and on the right path. The other thing is that he won't give us more than we can bear.

I am unsure where this test started, though I suspect it was in my early teens. Being a child of divorce there were different food rules depending on what house we were in. In my mom's home, we were required to try everything before we were allowed to reject it. Balanced meals weren't so much an important memory, but I recall all food groups on the table, but no rules enforcing it really. At my dad's house, we were required to eat everything that was put on our plates. And we had to stay at the table until we were done.

I believe that a lot of my weight issues as a child came from over eating for comfort. I was not an unhappy child and I was fairly well adjusted from the divorce and re-marriage of both parents. But I had weight issues, or so I thought, from an early age.

I found pictures of me at 12 and 13 recently. In a bathing suit. If that is what being overweight looks like, I want to look that way again. Now.

It's all about perception.

My self esteem got damaged pretty badly in the process. I don't blame anyone for it. It's no one's fault. It happened and it's seriously not that uncommon.

I can look at all the things that I have accomplished in my life and the list is pretty long. I can tell myself that not only am I worthwhile, any man would be freaking lucky to have me. So What is the answer to the trust and self esteem test I am going through right now?

More specfically, I am not sure what my true path is here. I still have a certain leve of naivete in me. It's much less. But it's still there, and it's that small piece of me that enables me to overlook the uncertainties and see the good in people. I sometimes think that's a good quality to have and I try to grow it. Then the suspicious part of me takes over and it goes downhill.

So I am in the process of dealing with a test and I am trying to keep in my mind that I do the tests that I fail. I try very hard not to set myself up for them but occasionally they get handed to me and I try really hard to make the best situation that I can out of it.

This test is a two fold test. I tests my self esteem and self worth while testing my ability to trust. And through this, I need to keep my blood pressure in range and continue to be productive in my job. let's not even DISCUSS what a mess I have in the house....

fun, right?

Not even hardly.

But I am really trying. I am really praying that I find the right road to be on here.

On complacency

I resemble that remark.

Now that the weight started to come off, I stopped exercizing.

Now it hasn't caught up to me yet. But I suspect it's going to rise up and bite me pretty soon.

Now, what I am speaking of, is conventional exercize. I am moving more in general and adding activity where there once was none. some it lots of fun and some of it not so much. I walk the stairs more often, I park further away. I even dance in my own living room. I play actively with my friends kids ( and LORD are they active!).

But I did my abs and pushups today and discovered that in the last two weeks, I have missed it.

So I am going to go back to the walking and pilates. I need my resistance built up so I can start the weight training. I really miss that. It was once my favorite activity. So I need to get in slightly better shape to get back to it.

so here's my pledge:

I, The Contessa, Pledge that I will resume my original activity schedule of pilates Monday Wednesday and Friday and walking Tuesday and Thursday for the remainder of June. At which time, I will move the walking to every day at 8 AM and move Pilates to Tuesdays and Thursdays and add in Weight training in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

I also Pledge to continue abs and pushups every day of the week. I pledge to write down my actvity in addition to my food in my journal.

I commit to this plan of activity because it will ultimately make me look, feel and be happier and healthier in the long run.

Looking at the positive

I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.



On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.



That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).

As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.

As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"

I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.

If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.

I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.

But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.

This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.

That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.

I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.

Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.

She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.

Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.

One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.

It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.

But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.

Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.

When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.

An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.

We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.

Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.

So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.

Some things I am proud of:

1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.

I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.

I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )

A behavioural change that I kind of like

I am an emotional eater.

Not bad emotions either - all of them - the good, the bad, the mundane.... all of the,m

And good lord, do not CREATE a reason for me to eat??? Hump day??? Beer and wings at the local pub? who's idea was this? They should be shot.

So it is without hesitation that I tell you that I have officially proven out the "I no longer eat out of stress" behavior.

Years and Years ago when I worked in NYC, My office building was a famous one - The former Pan Am building - now Met life building. It sits above Grand Central Station.

When Work stress would hit, I would change into my sneakers ( kept handy for commuting purposes) and do laps around the inside of GCS. For those of you who know it well.. that's walking from the escalators into Met life down to Zarro's bakery by the shuttle. walking the lenght of that, coming up the side near the famous oyster bar walking up the steep ramp to the opposite sided were the Metro north tracks are and back around 1 lap= a quarter mile.

I would pull off anywhere from 1-5 laps in about 20 mins then go back upstairs and get some water and back to work. I had my desk moved away from the break room with the vending machines though I would wander in there occasionally for a bottle of water.

this Behaviour change of doing ANYTHING BUT EAT during stress really carried me through. I took a large hit when my dad died 4 years ago tomorrow. I ate anything that was nailed down. Seriously we have an expression at Weight Watchers.... you can make a bomb out of anything. I do believe they were talking about me - I had once found myself eating bakers chocolate and I don't even LIKE chocolate all that much.

So you see this is a good thing.

You all know I have been under some stress between work, personal and medical lately.

I have still manageed to hit my 10 lb mile stone yesterday. I still use exercize as a means to combat emotional behaviour. I just don't have the grand concourse to walk....

Sometimes I miss those laps. I got to see a lot of neat things I wouldn't have had the opp to see.

But the change while it took years to really take on me... did eventually work.

That's what I am proud of as my next birthday looms close.

Did you ever think you were backwards?

I think I am.

Backwards, that is.

I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.

Isn't that weird? I think so.

I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.

But is it enough? to live in the middle?

If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?

No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.

So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?

I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.

Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.

Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.

I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.

So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.

I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.

Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.

So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.

Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.

Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.

I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.

I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.

No fear.

I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.

I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.

The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.

This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.

Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.

One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.

I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.

Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.

Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?

Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).

I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!

How a Chicken Salad sandwich changed my world

It really did too.

It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.

I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.

Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.

I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.

By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.

I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.

OK that rules that part out for now.

So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.

I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.

"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "

But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.

I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.

I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.

I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:

Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2: Welll - that's true....
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>

So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.

I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.

She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.

So it's 6:30.

I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.

You know what's coming right?

The chicken salad.

I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.

Oh my God. Nirvana.

I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.

A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.

I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.

I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).

I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.

As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.

I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.

I broke my plateau.

and - the panic attack - gone.

Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!

On Keeping things light

I bought a new perfume today. Dolce and Gabanna's Light Blue. I love it - it's heavenly.

On the subject of keeping things light or lighter, I didn't weigh in at WW today as I am retaining water due to the unreasonable HEAT we are are dealing with here. I am up 2 lbs on my scale, but my clothes fit fine.

I put both air conditioning units on and did my pilates today. I took off Thursday and Friday and I can't afford more than two days off per week. Starting monday I am doing 30 mins of walking every day and pilates 3 times per week. I will do that through June. In July, I expect my weight to be down enough that I can then add 3 days a week of body sculpting. That will put me at MWF Walking 30 mins and pilates for 1 hour. TTHSAT walking 30 mins and Body sculpting. Sundays I will have the day off.

I ordered a new box of contacts as I have gone through 3 months in one but the doc says that's normal the first couple of months until you get used to them.... Gosh I hope so.... it makes me a little nuts.

I have decided officially that the extensions, ,while entirely lovely, are too long and too difficult to manage. I am going to have them removed ( what's left at any rate) and go back to tinting and curling until the fall when I have all the formals to attend. Then it makes sense.

I am prepared to be talked into a shorter lash length though... so stay tuned for that.

And my latest pet peeve - why tell me you are going to call on particular day and then NOT DO IT???? This drives me crazy. And I swear at times it is done intentionally. Either that or there is just so perspective on time. So I am sitting here patiently.... metaphorically of course. Don't imagine me pining away at the phone - that simply isn't happening. I notice usually around now, that the call I was expecting on that day, hasn't come in. Then I get a little bit nervous in case something happened and then peevish that I wasn't a priority. This is slowly getting better, but not quick enough for me.... :-)

I am an impatient pain in the ass to be honest. I know it.

But given the circumstances I am keeping things somewhat light. Light and easy is the key for the time being. In all areas of my life.

Good things come to those who wait

This is a proverb that I have strived to live. Not wiht the greatest amount of successfully of course, but I really work hard at it.

I have a personal interpretation of this proverb that has evolved over all the years since I was a sophomore in college.

My personal flavor of this proverb is Good things come to those who wait and are willing to work for them.

In short, if you want something and you sit on your duff and do nothing to earn that thing, chances are good you won't get it. And if you do get it, by some strange stroke of luck, you may not really appreciate it.

As you may have realized by now, my personal nemesis is patience. Since I was a child, hearing the words "wait until...." drove me mad. Telling me anything with forewarning is like a death sentence to me. I would recieve a call with the message on the machine "I need to talk to you" and I would immediately start returning the call.

Mostly the reason was self doubt. I was always afraid that what I didn't know WOULD hurt me. Or someone would be mad at me, or that I did something incorrectly or something like that.

I'm doing marginally better in the patience department. I was reminded twice today that in a specific area in my life, the patience card needs to be played longer. I can't bail at the first sign of trouble or when my patience suddenly craps out.

I never really thought about it. But I think that I am better about patience in this area than I have been in my past. But It's stil not enough. I am going to drive myself insane if I keep worrying about things that I can't change on my own.

But I am willing to do the work. I am filling my time fairly well, though the reason I am having trouble this week is the that I had a couple of days with more time on my hands than I should. I need to take steps to fill those voids too.

My patience is going to be better. And I am praying that with that patience comes the one thing I really want.

I am willing to put the work in on this. If that means occupying my time better, than that's what I need to do. If it means improving myself in the process - that's OK too.

so long as in the end the good thing comes to me because I am waiting AND working at it.