Massive Upheaval

You know,when you fall in love with someone, your life changes.

Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad.

But the change is inevitable.

What I have discovered after watching two movies tonight with Jon, is how we have both changed.

Largely positive.

For example. I have realized that I have dreams and hopes. I don't think I did before. Certainly not conscious ones. But I noticed that I gave up a lot of activities that kept me "busy" and stayed home a lot more and the two of us talk and think and brainstorm and watch films and music. IN doing all of that, I noticed that what was absent before was not the presence of another person, though that is true, but the absence of hopes and dreams for the rest of my life.

What I mean to say is that I really didn't have any. I have more now. They are not complete enough in my brain to write out - but they are in my head now and more importanly imprinted on my heart.

Here's something else I have noticed. I now actually have opinions on religion and politics. I am still largely in favor of tolerance since that is the foundation our country is based on, but Ihave these opinions. I am a little bit lost and confused by them because I was in a very comfortable zone, asking the hard questions only when I wanted to and investigating them only to the point that I was comfortably doing. I am still doing all of that but the conversations and discussions between us get heated at times and get very lively in good ways - all good ways - but they leave me with the feeling that all the things I knew my whole life don't work.

Honestly - for those of you who read this since the beginning - we have had some enormous challenges in my church. THe most recent for me is the fact that Choir rehearsal is at 8:15 on Sunday mornings. THat means I am in church for 4 hours on any given week. Don't even start with me on Holidays. Now I love to sing but I simply can't be awake and sing at that hour. It's not possible.

When I really sat and Identified it - My gift was bringing music to the service. If I can't do that I am not happy.

I discovered this when I subbed into a choir rehearsal the other night at another church. That is what I miss most.

Jon wants me to help the choir out in his congregation. The church I was at lats week wants me to help them.

I don't know if I am happy with those offers or if I should just suck it up and go back to my own church and deal with a choir director I"m not crazy about to sing at a time I am not wild about all because I love and adore my priest and I grew up with these people.

I don't know the answer. I am not really unhappy with the question either. I am not making any major moves to answer it right now either. THe fact is - I don't have to.

I'll know what's right when I find it.

Religious Education

There are some topics that I choose not to include in my BLOG. The reasoning generally circles around being too personal.

This topic, falls into that category on a couple of levels, but I need to write this out so you are getting the full story. As always, I welcome comments but please do not be offended when I tell you that decisions are already made for the most part.

THe day started like any other. We got up, had breakfast, I started to work, and he headed out to run some errands.

One of these errands was a stop at the whore's house. Where he spent the majority of the afternoon. He cooked ( meals for me), fixed her computer, and agreed to teach religious education at her Roman Catholic Church.

For those of you who aren't caught up, he's an Agnostic who attends services at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation. He's not just an Agnostic, he's an active MILITANT Agnostic.

I do not personally care. It used to bother me in the beginning ( over a decade ago) bit over the years of talking and learning we have come to a mid point that we both can handle.

So it came as a shock that this militant Agnostic would even consider the offer to assist in teaching.

Then I took a step back. I realized that it was HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she asked him. More likely, he OFFERED.

That made more sense. She is a very devout and strict Catholic. She takes her teaching RE very seriously. There is NO WAY she would have ASKED for his help. If she knew anything about him, there is no way that this came up in the fashion that he is portraying it.

By the way - this is one of his MO's. He offers something and then tells people he was asked. It usually means that he is covering something else.

And so it is in this case. It would appear that he is not happy with the direction their friendship is taking. He doesn't so much like that fact that he is not as important to her day to day life as he would like to be. She has more or less made that clear. She doesn't return calls and she no lionger emails with any frequency and when she does, it's usually a funny or proseltyzing email that drives him crazy.

This seems like the answer. Offer to teach RE with her, and he can be of "use" to her one time a week thus bringing the friendship to a stronger level.

So he comes home and asks me what I think of his teaching RE. This is supposed to be my opinion right? So I tell him I think it's not the best choice he could make. I suggest that while it's a really nice gesture that he wants to help a friend out, there is a lot of CATHOLIC responsibilty that he simply isn't aware of.

For example, he has to teach not only the faith and religious perspective, but he must also embrace the political views of the church while answering questions. "Go ask your parents" will not cut it If they wanted that, they would handle RE in the home.

I cite 2 of HIS favorite political issues: Birth control and A woman's right to choose. He can't advocate anything BUT abstinence til marriage and Pro-Life. Two of his favorite sticking points in the upcoming election, He's highly critical of Ms. Palin for her stance on both. So what will he do when on of these 11-14 year olds asks him about those things? lie? Go against his own belief system ? You might as well ask him not to breathe.

He has no background for this, however on the plus side he is second to none when it comes to learning something knew and doing researhc. On the other hand - he doesn't believe it himself, so how exactly is he going to sell that to kids who will see right through that?

I discovered something else today that I haven't yet shared with him. He will need to take Sexual Abuse Awareness training as well as have a background check done. The Diocese of LI requires it for anyone doing anything involving children. Hall monitors, lunch aides - all of it.

Not that he has anything to hide in either area - it's just one more thing he would have to do. There is no option to "informally" interact with kids in this setting. Not anymore.

The bottom line - he's trying to keep a foot in the door to maintain the type of friendship that works best for HIM. Not for her - she barely factors into this at all actually. He has been telling me since the hospital that she doesn't give a crap about him, returns every 10th call, every 5th email. Once she realized he was happily in safe hands with me, she stopped worrying about him altogether. And he was offended by it. Not that she and I have a problem and not that he and I have a problem and believe it or not, he's happy that she and I are OK, but he's nto reconciled to the nature of their friendship and what's working for her isn't working for him.

So I am not angry at him or her. I am not happy about this situation but I am not angry at anyone. I think it's wrong and hypocritical. It makes me wonder how well she knows him. There is a lot at stake here, but I think that my best friend has it right. It's in god's hands.

She did suggest I contact the whore and politely suggest that this is a bad idea. I opted to NOT do that. He would be livid and I would be also if that went in the reverse. So I will share the training and background check info with him and we'll see what happens after that.

I can now let this go. I've said my piece. You all know how I feel about this. So does he - we had our fight about it. He understands my position about it. He keeps saying that all this depends on how strict the congregation is. Which shows me he knows NOTHING about catholicism. Please don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against Catholics. I am one. Not Roman, but Anglican and it's more or less the same. THe term "Catholic lite" applies on more than one occasion. more than half my family is RC. my eldest brother and his family believe in Pope Pius X. So I know a little bit about this and the bottom line is, Catholicsm is Catholicsm. It has faith, doctrine,dogma and political views. Most people don't get caught up in all of that, but when you are teaching you need to be prepared for questions about that because those questions will come. I get them every day. I have to stop and think "What household am I in" sometimes as I teach, Lutherans, Catholics, ORthodox Jews, etc. I have to temper my answer based on where I am,.

He is such a smart and intelligent person. I think that kids would benefit from his wisdom, but this is not the forum for it. Not at all. It's not appropriate and has disaster for all written all over it.

But it's in god's hand now.

Life as I know it

I had the best week.

OK parts of it REALLY REALLY sucked.

But overall I would have to say that I had the best week.

First of all, I have not cooked in 3 days. I have been treated to homemade sausage and peppers that will literally make you moan. Turkey pot pie ( made by Jon but in the whore's kitchen) and tonight marinated skirt steak.

He has been trying to do more things in general. He went to the whore's yesterday and cooked with her and fixed her computer and dropped off the picture I framed for her. Dear lord I am nice and pretty!!!

I won't lie to you - this day did make me wildly thrilled. It did NOT make me as crazy as it once would have however. I did talk him out of ( at least for now) teaching Roman Catholic religious education for her. One - he's not RC and that tends to be viewed unfavorably by the church. Two he's an Agnostic - also unfavorable by RC administrators AND parents of RC children and lastly - he has no training to teach whatsoever. He needs to take Child abuse course mandated by the county. And lastly - his reasons for doing it really suck. He's trying to be nice and ingratiating so she can see what her choice is costing her. Payback is a bitch. But more to the point - he's going to be the one who loses in the end.

I'm not angry at him and we did have this discussion tonight while we were at the pub. THe bottom line for me is, she asked him to assist partly because he's passionate about the topic and partly because she got roped in again and is a little burnt out. It's not appropriate on a regular basis to have him teaching a faith that isn't his, that he doesn't necessarily understand and believe. She can get in trouble as well.

I am suspicious of his motivations. He is so anxious to get the friendship on the appropriate footing that he will literally do ANYTHING to get it there. Including teaching religious education in a faith he doesn't believe in. We will continue the conversation but I think he needs to evaluate what he's commiting to. I wouldn't do it and I AM catholic. Of course I am also agnostic - another reason I won't teach. I can't adequately teach a faith that I am still questioning.

That aside, and the fact that we can only do a lumpectomy on the inactive tumors on the side of his neck leaving the active tumors on his tonsils, I had a good week. He cooked for me, we went to the pub and met the new owners. We saw the old staff who were thrilled to see us. Old friends. The place looks beautiful. The owners are going to buy us a dinner in exchange for his playing one night to determine if live music will work there. ( It will).

I start pilates classes at his church ( it's a unitarian congregation actually) on MOnday and he starts meditation class at the same time. We have a Sweet 16 for my God daughter ( he's giving her one of his old basses that he refurbished for her) next Sunday and I was asked to perform at the annual Prebyterian Dinner dance that Friday. Then we have the Kiwanis Installation after that. I am really excited.

More importantly I am starting to feel like we are actually a couple. We are doing things together and starting to have that life that we wanted from the start. Slowly it's starting to fit in.

I can't change this thing about him. He's like this with all the women in his past. Honestly - the reason the whore is a problem for me is that we overlapped. And she shredded his heart even before he and I got together. I've forgiven her however I would still be a lot happier with distance. She goes through fits and spurts where she gets caught up in her life and forgets about him. This of course is hurtful, however it is what it is. He has trouble letting go of all the women in his past hence the abandonment. I get it - I don't like it much - but I get it. We work through it.

This too shall pass.

I won't let it ruin my good week!

My reading

I had my third psychic reading ever on MOnday night.

My first one was done by a hack. It was 40 dollars and an hour I have yet to get back. and sorely miss.

The second one I went to was ironically free and 15 minutes long. Evidently there is a line up on the "other side" or the "heavenly layer" looking for me back then. I recieved messages from Mark, Tim and my dad in that order. I gave this woman NOTHING to work with - not one thing - and she recieved this info.

So I was trepidacious as I walked into Starbucks. I bought my coffee, turned around and saw her. I knew it was her and she knew it was me.

I sat down and we talked a bit. Largely about who she is, what she does and how it works. She knew I was a teacher but that was it.

She did some opening prayers which were nice actually. She then talked about validations and how we do that.

So she tunes into me, and asks me if I am having trouble with my hips. I was a little surprised, because the night before I was unable to sleep due Sciatic pain. I didn't tell anyone but Jon.

Then she commented about my stomach - yes it's in knots and I hold my emotional stress there but that's recent. I used to hold it between my shoulders.

So we moved on. My dad kept telling her funny stories that were accurate. She finally stopped to verify that I knew who it was. I told her it was my dad and if he's not going to participate respectfully he can go away - she laughed. Then I told her "You know what - I'll do it" .

Then she told me she had an itchy scalp. That genereally happens when psychics "find each" other in a room. Oh and how long did I have the gift?

I tell her I am looking for insight into my romantic life and career.

So she starts by asking me if there is a Sagittarian in my life. I tell her yes, then she has me shuffle cards and lays out the spread.

She had done some work with Chakra's earlier during the validation. She mentioned Yellow.

She turns up the first card. A Queen in yellow. Too funny.

I won't ID the cards or go through the entire reading but I will sum it up like this:

Jon and I are soul mates. And yes the heavens and stars all know neither of us buy into that, but there it is. This is long term and we are in it for the long haul.

We are at a plateau - the way we move past each plateau in our past, was to nudge each other along in a laughing joking kind of way. We will get past this one too.

We didn't have much in the way of courtship but that will change for the better.

I am evolving in a stronger and more nurtured and nurturing way.

I am in a growth cycle ( mid life crisis is the less nice term applied)

She knew the money was largely mine. THe house etc.

Career wise - I hate my job. I know what she's going to say already. My job has the potential for a better change down the line in April of 2009.

I walked away for the first time in a long time feeling so amazingly good and happy about things. Largely because she was able to validate how I actually felt and was able to tell me what I knew in my heart was right. That despite the strife and struggle that we are going through there is something amazing on the other side.

We are so close, to that happy end.

I see dead people. ( just kidding - come one you had to see that one coming.)

Dear God

Dear God,


I am so unclear as to what is happening to me now, why it's happening and how I got to this place.


I know that the life of that caretaker is tough and I know I sound UNBELIEVABLY selfish when I talk about it, because though I am not complaining - I am kind of whining.


But I whine because of good things. I whine because I WANT him to be healthy. I whine because he doesn't DESERVE this.


So I whine.


Oh yes there's a little me me me in there too, because I want OUR life back. I miss those times that we had - the fun, the laughter, the music.... all of it.


In one fell swoop - BAM! Diagnosis -CANCER.


My heart stopped beating that night. That awful horrible night.


Then it started again. With a different purpose. In a weird way, I feel like Jon must have known that it was going to come out this way. Otherwise, why didn't he go home? He came to me after that wonderful and horrible night in Malverne, and never went home again. I still to this day ask why that happened and I don't think I will ever know that answer.


I've never been great on faith in human beings. Faith in you? sure. Faith in the intangible? no problem - I know it's odd. But faith in people? I test them long and hard before I make that decision. Even if someone I have complete faith in has a faith in someone new to me, I still need to test that person, though the recommendation may shorten the test....


Faith in Jon has been an uphill battle. He has faith in me. He trusts me. Implicitly. I will never know why. There are things that have happened between us that, in no uncertain terms, should have destroyed the fabric of this relationship. But it didn't.


I cling and grasp and hold onto to our past as a means to keep forging ahead into the unknown future with him.


I have so many conflicting feelings and fears and problems and stresses. Cancer doesn't just affect the person who has it. It affects everyone around them.


I feel sometimes that I come second, or third - hell there are days I don't feel I even make the priority list in his life at all. His utmost of course, is getting well. But others get far better treatment than I do. The frequent irritability, anger and frustration get taken out on me on a daily basis. There are others who get the nice version of him - people like the whore...


You know it's my sore topic that she still exists in our world. But my pet peeve with her right now is that she gets the good parts and I get the crappy part. She gets to cook for him and send him little inspirational tidbits and what not..... I get yelled at for making him repeat himself because the TV and 3 phones were ringing at the precise moment he decided to comment on something. I get told when food isn't good, tissues are gone - after - not when it's low when I can replace without running out, cats need brushing, air conditioners need to be on - or off.... I need a fresh washcloth.... pick up lemon drops, you get the idea. I'm the one who works, I'm the one pays the bills, I'm the one cooks, cleans, fixes, installs, coordinates - I do everything.


And I hold no resentment for doing it. I do, however, hold resentment towards the fact the she gets treated nicely and has the easy job and I get treated - well - interestingly - and I have the hard one. it's not fair.


But I imagine that this is part of the challenge here. I imagine that you are doing this because you want me to stop being so afraid of her and what she represents. I imagine that the self doubt that I feel because of her presence in our lives for the past year has been very shattering to my confidence. Or lack of. And this is how you are planning to get me past that? really do you think that's the best idea here? I'm not really so sure.....


meanwhile - I am entering into the last year of 30's on Tuesday. And I know that he will do nothing about it. I know it. As sure as I am typing this. I have subtly reminded him, though he pointed out that it was not necessary. He isn't going with me to the country as we planned, because he cannot sustain the trip. He wants me to go alone. I hate that idea. In so many ways I cannot describe.


So I sit here, watching the second movie about someone my age losing the person they love most in the world ( Catch and Release followed PS I love you) and wondering if I am going to end up in that position. And only you know - isn't that right?


The thing that makes me laugh is that we once had a conversation about heaven and hell. Both he and his brother believe that they are on the express train to hell. Jon thinks he's a bad guy. That he earns his nice guy points every day because he's not a nice person. I refuse to argue with him on it because he has made up his mind on it.


But here's my take on that, you can tell me I'm wrong if you want God, but I don't think I am. Or at least I"m close.


See - You don't make junk. There's nothing that you have created that's all bad. Or all good for that matter. If it were all good - we wouldn't appreciate it. There's no real comparison now is there? If you see the darker side of human nature, it makes you appreciate the lighter brighter good side of human beings.

Like the concept of hell. Is there REALLY Hell??? I mean as opposed to heaven? If there really is hell and the "bad" people go there, and You don't make junk - how does that all work? The way I see it, there isn't two places - heaven and hell - there's just one with different levels when you get there.... The many rooms chapters of the bible if I may get specific. Now that doesn't get so specific as I am right now... but if there are "many rooms" surely some of them could be for those folks who have good in them but perhaps did not tap into it as frequently as others did.... Just sort of throwing the concept out there... I could be wrong... No real way to tell.

Jon and his brother are always joking that they are on the express train to hell. The bottom line there, in my book at any rate, is that no one who put their entire LIFE on hold to care for their dying sibling at their own expense is on the express train to anywhere! There are special places in heaven for people like that.

It's also part and parcel of the poor people who feel obligated to fight religious based wars. Honestly - what is that about? I cannot speak for anyone else, nor will I, but I seriously don't believe that, in the case of my own faith, Jesus would have thought that fighting over him and his followers would be that great of an idea. Given the whole 10 commandments thing - more specifically "Thou shalt not Kill" - I"m thinking that this is definitely not a plan that Jesus or God would endorse.

I didn't mean this to turn theological or anything.... Just some things that are mulling around in my brain.

The thing is, I am not unhappy. I won't lie and tell you this is my idea of bliss, but it's a challenge that I embraced. I embraced it without thinking it through logically - not that it would have mattered. The choice would have had the same end result. I just took each thing as it came, solved it, moved on to the next thing. And the next. Till I found myself in a weird stressed out world. A world where I can't speak my mind without really thinking it all the way through to the bitter end, rehearse the conversation and subsequently dismiss it as petty. That isn't me. I have the conversations, I don't let them brood, I don't garbage dump and I don't grudge collect.

Hence the reason I am using this blog the way that I am. If I don't let it out somewhere - it won't be the cancer that kills him!!!! Just kidding....

Love is a powerful motivator.

I hope you can see your way to enlightening this path. Because damn - it's so confusing.

Yours faithfully,

The Contessa.

The opposite of the Midas touch

Things here are not going well and you know what they say:

"When it rains it pours"

Well - we had torrentional rain, thunder and lightning ripping through the area along with a tornado in Brooklyn last night.

That's just the actual weather report.

The storms, more commonly referred to as my life, took a different format. My bedroom A/C unit leaked water all over my carpet night before last which required me to mop up a boat load of water and found me drying the carpet with a hair dryer.

I spent last night researching "through the wall sleeve" units. They start at $450.00. I found a nice Sears Kenmore model for $499.00 and my neighbor is going to help me install it.

My best friend called last night. His brother, as usual, doesn't learn. He has managed to thwart the efforts to get him hospice services. This is not terribly unusual though, he had to fall severla times in order to first get the cane, then get the walker anad finally the wheelchair. So this did not come as a surprise to me. Or him. But it is frustrating all the same because it's so unfair to his family. And all the people who help care for him.

Then there is the matter of my car. It feels like a roller coaster ride if you are in the passenger seat. I mentioned it to my best friend last night and he suspects the suspension. That never occurred to me, but then that shouldn't surprise anyone. I'm not "handy" that way.

So the money I have coming in PLUS my savings account will be going towards these two expenditures.

I tend to have the opposite of the midas touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.

Let's review the evidence:

• My job: Things were beautiful for about 4 years. BAM! merger. New boss. life is now crap.
• My love life: I met my soul mate. We are both in love with each other but the problem very specifically lies with him not wanting or ready to acknowledge it with some kind of peramanance. So right people - wrong time.
• My friendships: By and large this is not so bad, BUT I do have a couple of friends who seem to have abandoned me and I am unclear why. I should take the hint I guess. If they don't want regular contact wtih me and want to be friendly acquaintances who talk perhaps once or twice a year, thats fine. I just wish people would be up front instead of stringing me a long. One, when questioned, actually went with the "it's not you - It's me. "
• My family: While things are better here, I swear we are like a slightly warped version of everybody loves Raymond. And I'm Robert. Really do I need to say more?
• My home/car: As you have already seen we've covered this above. In the hopes of not being redundant I won't review it again.

Now, you may laugh when I say this but even with all of this above, every night I say a prayer, in the hopes that there is a heaven. This prayer consists of me thanking God for:

• the job that i have ( even though it blows),
• the home I have ( though it needs repairs),
• the car I drive ( same with the repairs),
• the friends and family that I have ( though all of us may be certifiable)
• The relationship that I am involved in ( though it needs a good deal of work)
• My health
• The world that we live in

Then I pray for the following:

• To make the job that am in better. by getting rid of leader
• To help me find the necessary elements to repair my home
• To help me find the necessary elements to repair my car
• To help my family and friends through any trials, illnesses or generals needs and blessings
• To help me with my relationship to get things on track for us.
• Keep me healthy and those close to me
• TO make the world a better place
• To give me strenght and courage to keep moving forward even when I feel like there is no hope, or have lost my way or my desire.

I guess that while I have the opposite of the midas touch, I also still have hope that I will be able to straighten everything out.

Now for a news flash

I have a little bit of the "Extra sensory" gifts.

Whew.

The secret is out.

Since I chose to ignore them after a very scary bus trip involving a ouji board in High School, they are truly undeveloped. ( Bus number 2 of the 4 buses on a trip to tanglewood arts festival was predicted to crash and it did. Scary we knew enough in time to switch buses....)

I can do things like be my own personal Caller ID ( I always know who the "private caller" is, or predicting email or postal arrivals of specific items or when the phone is going to ring, or worse yet pick it up before it does. But nothing major.

I was able to stack the deck of cards fairly regularly without a lot of effort in college. I choose not to gamble, but win when I do. Traditional gambling that is.

I tend towards herbal work for health, but don't dabble in weird stuff. No burning of incense or anything like that. I had a friend who was a Wicca, but we aren't friends anymore, though we are friendly. She told me on more than one occasion that my interests could lead me down this path.

I believe in Goddesses and think that I am one..... but I like to think that's more beauty and pampering related. I read up on this stuff disguised as normal books. I didn't even nrealize that was what I was doing till someone pointed it out to me.

The most extreme things to me are tarot cards ( I throw them often actually) and psychics. I have refused to have a full session with one since my dad died. Given the state of affairs right now I probably need to go again.

Given this knowledge, I was driving to the Grocery store, listening to my ipod. I loaded a bunch of songs that wouldn't depress me overly much, but mean things to me, on from Itunes. After driving past the whore's street and yelling WHORE at the street where the other woman lives ( Post-Doc should be SO proud of me) to obviously only me since I was alone in the car, the tune Roseanna by Toto came on.

I love this song. I don't care who else hates it - tough.

But it was a very dear friends favorite tune for a lot of years. He passed away four years ago. Right after my dad. He was my age and he died of esophagial Cancer. He told only his family and his best friend.

Mark was a unique and special person. Oh he had his asshole moments to be sure, but we loved him and he loved us.

Mark was a drummer. An AMAZING one. He was never happier than behind his set, with his kit laid out and a good vibe going. He would play to almost anything but loved Rush, Toto, anything along those lines.

We were all friends for a zillion years. Lena, Andy, Mark, JP and myself.

I should tell you that I did see a psyhic at a party for 10 minutes. I don't think this counts. But in that 10 minute meeting I was looking for my dad. No one else. Evidently there was a crowd on the other side waiting on me. Mark was amongst them. I put him off because I wanted my dad. That was 2 years ago and he's been really patient.

So here's the story.

When the man I love and I were doing this dance 5 years ago, Mark called me up one day and asked me to meet him for coffee. We hooked up at a place in the town between us and had coffee and salads. We talked about a barter system for teaching music lessons.

Then a week later, he called and asked me for money. A sum that was larger than I could accommodate. He wanted to meet me at the bar where my man was playing for a drink and the exchange.

I told him that I didn't have it, but we could still have the drink if he wanted to meet me there.

He said He underestood and that it was OK as he wasn't drinking.

It didn't register at the time.

At all.

He was already ridden with cancer. I know this now.

Today in the car, as I was driving, a strange peaceful feeling washed over me. I had the feeling he was sitting with me. IN a strange way, he was conveying to me, that yes that's the reason he wanted the money, but he didn't want me to give it out of guilt. He doesn't fault me for not giving the money either.

I don't feel guilty - I truly didn't have it. But I feel strange. I don't always believe in this stuff. I look down my nose at it a lot. It's scary - let's face it. But the fact is, I think it's out there. I believe in it enough to know that I have a little bit of it, and so do a LOT of people. Most don't even know it.

Scoff if you will. But this all ties in to what's happening to me today.

You see. My man and Mark are very similar in personality. It never occurred to me before until Mark came to me today. In a flash, I realized that Mark was telling me things that I never knew. I don't know if I always knew these things or if they are only coming to light now given the situation that I am in. I simply do not know.

But I do know that Mark was the younger version of this man that I love whom I am in a crisis situation with now.

Mark himself had no future, or didn't to his way of thinking. Neither does my man. Or so he believes.

Mark only knew how to do the one thing that he loved: his music. Same with my man.

He was overseas during Desert Storm. My man was in the army 30 years ago.

I've known Mark since I was three years old. I met my man when I was three years old.

Mark lost his mom to breast cancer and his sister to leukiemia, my man is losing his brother to ALS.

Both of them came to me when the stakes were high and needed something.

I was never in love with Mark. There was an attraction that was on again off again but never acted upon. Usually one of us was in some kind of other situation. So it was just friends until death for us. And that actually happened as it turned out.

So what did I learn from this? That I have really crappy taste in men? I don't think so. Both are tragic tormented souls. And for that I am sorry for them. But Mark never treated me badly as a friend or anything else. not ever. Except for not telling me he was sick. And I understand that. I really do.

My man did treat me badly. In any capacity that I was and am in with him. Of course, if Mark had lived to be fifty, he might have treated me badly too.... winky winky.... but I doubt it.

There's some kind of lesson here that pertains to me. I haven't investigated it out yet. I need to focus on it and meditate on it a bit and maybe find a trusted psychic and investigate it out there.

The fact is that these some other connection I think. It doesn't alter what is happening currently and certainly DOES NOT justify it any way. It won't change the path that I decided to be on at all. I am not seeing him. Not now. I won't dictate forever, but it may come to that. And I am mentally prepared for it, if we come to that. The practical day to day will be tough, but I will cross that bridge when I come to it. In the meantime I want to narrow down this connection because I want to be prepared to learn from it.

There are many of you that will think I am a little freaky for this post. Most of my closest friends don't know these things about me. I do NOT broadcast them and I do NOT do anything about with them.

well - except stack the kitty in euchre and pinnochle.... Didn't you ever wonder how all the 9's an 10's got there??? or my favorite - queens around? Or making sure that Bernie and I always had both bowers when the chips were down?

Come on..... I'm not the good of a dealer....

Sad Eyes, turn the other way....

Old song - for those of you old enough to remember it.

I danced with the man I love to this song back in April. I have a video of it.

It's one I no longer watch.

In writing, this kind of thing is known as foreshadowing.

Who knew that this song would turn out to be so true?

heartbreak is horrible. Being the one who initiated it? Turns out that the only good thing about that is you can't get blind sided.

I am going to do my best to write through this. The frequency may go down as I can't promise my stamina is going to be there.

But writing through other things, seemingly less painful than this, seemed to hold me in good stead. Seeing the bravery of Post-Doc and Title Troubles and Maplemama in their writing has really shown me that I can do this and maybe it Will be helpful.

You will be treated to a very "uncontessa-like" set of behaviours. To be sure. They range from anger, to tears, to happiness, to peace, to all kinds of things.

For now just know that I am grappling one singular question:

How do I trust a man who still wants me in his life today, but who had requested 5 years ago that we remain friends, best friends, and then proceeded to treat me badly for five years in the hopes that I wouldn't be in love with him anymore? I have no frame of reference for how he should treat me as a friend because I have never exprienced it. How do I do that? How do I address that?

Trust me, its rhetorical for you folks. It will be a reality for him.

I have not yet posed this question to him. I will be doing that tomorrow. Once we debate that for 2 or 3 hours ( that's the minimum ANY questions between us takes) I will be in a better position to decide if he is allowed to continue on in my life.

He means well. He does. But he is not doing this for me. Do not be fooled. He is doing this to assuage his own guilt and grief at our situation.

Perhaps I am being overly dramatic at this juncture, but I do not understand why he needs me in his life. Surely he can find another person who will love him enough for him to treat badly, no?

( see ??? if you wait patiently, there's the anger masked as sarcasm - just wait - there is much more of that to come!)

I am now at the point of wearing my bed and walking around wrapped in a blanket. I had Cold stone ice cream for dinner, not even all of it - how sad. I couldn't bring myself to eat more. I don't think I have ever gone through that level of heart break where I COULDN'T eat.... huh.

I am taking something to sleep at night for now, I sleep whenever I can as a matter of fact. I took a nap this afternoon. I could sleep now without thinking about it. I am trying to maintain my regular schedule as much as possible. I fake a lot of happiness with the kids whenever I can and try to hold the tears back to the car ( when it's not in motion, thank you) or the house. But once they start, do not be fooled, they are not easily turned off.

Same with the anger. Once I get rolling, get out of the way. It goes from sarcasm, to biting then I just lash out altogether.

I am writing through this in part too, because I am feeling very much alone. Please remember that "our" friends locally are not involved at all and can't know anything. So I am restricted who I can speak to. My priest is on vacation. So I am doing all of this in my private blog and extracting the parts that do not overly reveal for this one.

I haven't been through something like this in so long, even I don't remember how badly this hurts. It's a small wonder why I refuse to fall in love again. This is the part that sucks.

You know what's funny, when I am really down and out I grasp for the tarot cards, the psychics, the mystics. Hell I even thought about Dionne Warwick's Psychic Friends network for a brief second. And while I am always afraid of the hacks and very good at not giving leading information out, I am always surprised when they are so accurate.

Part of me really needs to know. And Part of me is scared as hell to know.

So I threw the numbers out. I closed the websites.

Back to the grey world.

For now.

Act 1 Scene 5 - The Contessa looks for signs everywhere

I have been writing my Letters to God lately, I have noticed that one of the things I pray for is a sign that I am making the right decisions or signs to help guide me on the paths that I am on.

So I was driving home from a board meeting, where the stupidity and crap that has been reigning for the past two months, finally was put to a timely end. A load off my mind. I was thinking about another problem and came up with a solution. It wasn't a great one and while I felt better for HAVING a solution, it may not have been the best one. So in driving home, I asked for a sign as t whether this was a good solution or not.

Then CRASH.

I merged into another vehicle. A large black SUV ish vehicle.

Entirely my fault. I thought I checked my blindspot carefully before merging, but I was distracted with the solution that I had just found.

We were heading for a traffic light and I DO believe that the SUV sped up to close the gap so I couldn't merge. Be that as it may, I still hit them. But we were slowed down for the light which was red, so I didn't hit that hard.

Still in the essence of doing the right thing... I started up to move to another lane so we could pull over and exchange information.

GAH!!!!! Foiled!!!!!!

They cut me off, cut over two lanes, sped up and got on the Interstate.

Are you kidding me???

Now I am thinking,oh boy, I'll bet there is something illegal going on with them. Then I worry that something happened to them and Pray that they are not hurt.

Then it occurs to me that this is the REALLY obvious sign I asked for. The solution to one of my problems that I came up with, you know, the one that distracted me in the first place????Not a good OR fair one. Not yet at any rate.

This is the kind of thing that happens to women in my family. My mom has had car accidents and tickets the few times that she has had major issues on her mind.

And So it gets passed down.

But it was a big sign. And I feel oddly relieved. I didn't get hurt, My car doesn't have a scratch on it ( explain this to me please!!!) and I am not following through with my solution, but have tabled it temporarily in search of a better solution OR a positive change. I just pray now that those people are not hurt.

There are signs everywhere - you just have to look.

Act 1 Scene 4 - Finders Keepers

OK now in the last couple of "The Plan" posts, I have casually mentioned some DMV issues under finance.

The fact is, 7 years later, I received a notice giving me 90 days to respond to a lapse of insurance in February of 1999.

Can I just mention that I haven't been with THAT insurance company in probably 5 years? Minimum?

And because the notification JUST came in - those records got shredded ( 7 years right???) and I am pretty religious about that. IN fact I had JUST done it which really pissed me off.

I went to the court that issued it and they gave me an extension - even though I tried to plead that they shouldn't even be asking for this now. 7 years later. But since they are going to insist and being a County court, they can, I awill do my diligence and try and get proof.

Having very little luck with my former insurance company ( I happen to work in the MAJOR building in NYC when I am there), I opted to go to the agent I have now and ask for some guidance.

Never made it to her office for the appt as it's tomorrow.

Do you want to know why? I reached into my night stand drawer today to take my required blood pressure and grabbed a book that was sitting on top. It's an interesting book and I hadn't remembered it was in there. I opened it and pulled out a piece of paper.

It was the insurance cards from said company. Covering me during that time.

Prayers are answered sometimes. This one weighed on my mind. I really wasn't sure how I was going to get the paperwork from so long ago. Now I just have to bring it down to the Court and get my clearance slip, take it to the DMV and have it registered so they don't suspend my license.

I cannot tell you what I sigh of relief this brings me.

Seriously.

Act 1 Scene 3 - The Goodbye Party

Today was our Goodbye party for Cynthia. She has been our choir director for two years and is moving up north having retired.

So I get myself together, I am dressed appropriately and I headed to the store to pick up some snacks for the crew and head to my stepmoms house.

I get there to realize that, not only am I the first one here, but I am also the ONLY one here.

Isn't it strange that a party at someone's house starts at 4 and yet not even the hostess is home?

HMMMM.

so I pull over to the side and start trying to think. And I mean trying. I couldn't think where it would be and who would still be home that knew.

Crap.

So I suddenly recall that the party seemed to me to be hosted in Massapequa. OK good. That narrows it down to 2 houses. I rolled the dice and called Carol. Thank goodness she was home, they were just getting ready to leave.

Leave? Well it's not at their house!

OK that narrows it down to 1. So now I know where I am going.

I start driving again and get there in a few minutes. The party is lovely. The weather is like fall...it's in the mid 60's and there is a breeze. The entire choir except for 2 is there, my priest is there and we are having a lovely time.


I'm going to miss her, Truly I will. For those of you that remember the cute musician guy from a few months ago, this is his foster mom. Now He's not going anywhere, but I will see a lot less of him, not that I saw that much to start with. Funny how over time, I realized how little we had in common. It's still his loss!!!! ;-)

It's nice for she and her husband though. They have this lovely chance to spend some quality time together in a sleepy New England Town. I almost envy her.

On the way home, I am thinking, rather resentfully, that my night last night was intruded upon by someone else. Still driving, I talk this through with God. and myself. The reality is, whether I got that call or not, I was not planning to go. So being mad that someone else MAY have been there that I didn't want to see, was in fact, Stupid.

I actually felt better.

Because you see, I finally found the perfect birthday present and I don't want to be in a pissy mood when I present it. It's so lucky that circumstances presented themselves as they have recently. We watched the Concert for George Harrison recently. For those of you who haven't seen it, see it. It's the memorial concert done a year to the day after he died.

I was poking around ebay - you all know how I love that, and I found a signed photo of George with a COA. I have the perfect frame already. This is going to be really special. It's my best friends FAVORITE of all the Beatles. I can't wait for it get here, it's being shipped insured with a moneyback guarantee.

I have been searching for 6 months for something this special.

I feel good. I feel really good. I love giving the perfect gift. It's really amazing.

But I will miss Cindy.

Act 1 Scene 2 - Letters to God

In this scene we find the Contessa sitting at her desk, a lovely antique secretaire, at her laptop, with her morning coffee, furiously pecking at the keys despite her long manicured fingernails.



Musing to self:


I have been finding prayer and meditation difficult lately. I've been getting distracted in the midst of it.


So I started writing letters to God in my personal journal. I find that when I do this in the morning, or as the mood strikes me, I get out the feelings I need to. I tend to write about my personal needs lately but that's OK.


Once I sit down at my desk, with my water, coffee, juice whatever, I feel better able to go about my day after having written the letter. Two days in, with some trials and tribulations out there, things are being handled better for me and by me. I feel more confident in my decisions and the signs that I need to help me make the decisions are being seen but I am still challenged in how to read them.


In writing letters to God, there is less chance that I will forget something that's important. there is a better chance for some better self discovery and I can be as honest as I need to and dnot worry about hurting anyone or having people read these letters and think "That Contessa is loco loco loco!" or "That Contessa doesn't understand at ALL".

I have a tendancy to waffle on decisions that I need to make because I have been raised to think things through, ponder all sides and make sure that I am fully educated on the facts so that I make the best decision for me. So I tend to wait while the jury is out.


But in the meantime, I can write my opinions and feelings down in my personal letters to God as well as in this blog.




Cut to phone ringing - cell phone.


The contessa answers the phone. She is surprised at the caller and is quiet as she listens.


She is a little bit short in the discussionary points and finally asks the caller to please call her home phone as the reception is difficult.


She knows what the caller is going to say, though they have been hemming and hawing on the phone....


The phone rings on her desk. She answers it and says:


"That's much better. Now what is it you are trying to tell me?"
" You may not want to come down to Merrick tonight" the caller says.
"Oh???? I wasn't planning to. You need a break from my presence there" She replies
"No - no I don't. I just wanted you to know that there might be someone there that you won't want to see and I am just doing the right thing and making you aware" The caller says.
" Well I appreciate that. However maybe I need a break from going down there. " She replies.


The call continues on a more sociable level after that but there is some slight tension in the air. Some plans are made and discussed and changed. Whether or not they pan out is to remain seen...


Once she hangs up, she returns to work. She has things to do while it's still quiet at the office.


About one hour later:


The contessa can be seen lying face down in the middle of her bed. Just laying there. Doing absolutely nothing.



She picks up her head and stares at the orange cat lying on the pillow. She reaches for her book and reads for a little while.


She gets up, looks at the time and wanders back to the living room, followed by golden eyed, orange cat.

She calls her best girl friend. Every leading lady has one, and this one is hers. She listens as her dear friend recounts her troubles and frustrations. Her friend has a lot on her plate as well. They discuss things through,
The contessa speaks to her friends' little girls, that always picks her spirits up. Then her friend comes back on line and The contessa shares part of her letter to God and the phone call she received. They discuss it at length and The Contessa confirms that friend was right in the first place and her friend offers the comment that the sign the Contessa thought she got last night, may not have been interpreted right or the right sign or even a sign altogether.


The contessa agree's. They hang up.


The Contessa goes back to work. She wraps up what she needs to for the day and heads out to teach. Knowing that she is not going to Merrick that night, she doesn't need to re-shower and dress up, so she doesn't. A less than dressy outfit would almost ENSURE that a change of heart wouldn't happen. The Contessa is not a stupid woman.


We end our scene with the Contessa, back at the antique secretaire with a glass of water, finishing this Blog post. She has since written another letter to God as well as completed this Blogpost. She is feeling relaxed. She has since taught three lessons and practiced singing an aria from Rossini's Barber of Seville in Italian. She attempted to watch the DVDs of two performances in the last two years but couldn't stand her stage presence and gave up....

The letters to God are a wonderful tool and while they don't replace prayer, it helps get the important points on the table so that they can be prioritized when prayer time comes.


"Prayers are always answered. Even if it's not the way you anticipated."


End Scene.


And .....................


Cut.

Looking at the positive

I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.



On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.



That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).

As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.

As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"

I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.

If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.

I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.

But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.

This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.

That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.

I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.

Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.

She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.

Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.

One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.

It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.

But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.

Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.

When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.

An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.

We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.

Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.

So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.

Some things I am proud of:

1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.

I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.

I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )

Bridges

I love bridges.

I know it's a little bit kookie and I admit it, but I love to drive over bridges. Especially if the weather is nice and the traffic is on the light side.

I happen to be blessed in living on an Island. Therefore, leaving it requires me to either cross a bridge, travel through a tunnel or get on a plane or boat.

I grew up on the South shore of this island. In order to get to the famed beaches, one had to take 1 to 2 bridges or a ferry. Or your own boat should you be in that tax bracket.

ON my end table there is a picture of the famed Robert Moses Bridge. I took this picture at night in the fog and really you see a shadowy outline with the lights on the bridge giving you the shape in the candle-like glow. It IS my favorite picture in the world. THough I no longer live there, and the house has since been leveled, I get a peaceful feeling when I look at that bridge.

I have been known to change my routes based on bridges. I LOVE Verizzano and the Tappan zee. I could cross that one all the time. I don't care for the Triborrough or the GW too much. I like the Throgs Neck.

My true fav is the Tappan Zee. it has the best approach and the best view by day.

When I am on these bridges I get this free feeling that comes over me. It washes the pain of anything that's bothering me away, It free's me from my troubles. I feel as if I am leaving the bad behind and going towards the good. It's almost a religious feeling.

Most of the time I am. When I am crossing these bridges it usually means I am going to see someone I love. These bridges mean I am going to see people like Lily, or Bernie ( by ext Lisa), My brother, or countless friends further North like MapleMama or Jax, or Poodle.

I watched a movie with a friend recently called Queens Logic. It's old it's from 1991. The central theme is about Queens borrough in NY more specifically the Queens side of the Hell's Gate Bridge ( another beauty but a freight bridge- not commercial). Halfway through the movie, it occurred to me that this bridge was going to be a pinnacle in this movie and I was right.

I also love the film "For love or Money" also from 1991, with Gabrielle Anwar and Michael J Fox. The movie is wonderful, but the final scenes are amongst my favs. They take place on the 59th street bridge. He is running toward her on one side and she on the other. As the music ( unbelievable orchestral score which I just bought - more on that later) swells you realize they are yelling key words for the film to each other - throwing away what seemed to be important for a time for the love that they realize they feel for each other in the moment.

It's sappy, very old fashioned MGM style love story - funny in spots. The music is what does it for me though.

I went to visit my youngest brother in NJ. He took us a different way than we normally go because of construction. This enabled me to go over the Verizzano Bridge and the outerbridge crossing.

I was in my glory because the day was perfect. It was sunny, warm but not too warm. The traffic was moving fairly well on the bridges themselves though not wonderfully well off them.

I had the soundtrack to For love or money on my CD player. The timing was ideal. Each time I was crossing a bridge, that scene would ironically be on my cd player at the moment.

I cry every time I hear it - since 1991. I am just sappy that way.

There's another song that I like to hear when I cross the Tz..... I Love you by the Climax Blues Band. I have no reason why - it just fits.

The Throgs Neck is NY state of mind by Billy Joel.

The Triborough is Adagio for Strings by Samual Barber. For those of you who do not know, I am related to Samual Barber. He is my Great Uncle. And I do not like this piece. UNLESS I am traveling over the Triborough Bridge. Alretnately Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2 movement. Or Chopin Intermezzo no 2 for Piano.

I love Bridges and the music that I associate with them is what helps make that special on each trip.

I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks. I am going to have pick the route and pick the tunes appropriately. We are going to Katonah ( where Martha Stewart Lives) for my birthday.

What better way to start and end it but by crossing bridges.

Did you ever think you were backwards?

I think I am.

Backwards, that is.

I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.

Isn't that weird? I think so.

I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.

But is it enough? to live in the middle?

If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?

No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.

So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?

I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.

Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.

Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.

I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.

So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.

I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.

Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.

So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.

Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.

Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.

I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.

I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.

No fear.

I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.

I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.

The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.

This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.

Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.

One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.

I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.

Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.

Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?

Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).

I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!

Good things come to those who wait

This is a proverb that I have strived to live. Not wiht the greatest amount of successfully of course, but I really work hard at it.

I have a personal interpretation of this proverb that has evolved over all the years since I was a sophomore in college.

My personal flavor of this proverb is Good things come to those who wait and are willing to work for them.

In short, if you want something and you sit on your duff and do nothing to earn that thing, chances are good you won't get it. And if you do get it, by some strange stroke of luck, you may not really appreciate it.

As you may have realized by now, my personal nemesis is patience. Since I was a child, hearing the words "wait until...." drove me mad. Telling me anything with forewarning is like a death sentence to me. I would recieve a call with the message on the machine "I need to talk to you" and I would immediately start returning the call.

Mostly the reason was self doubt. I was always afraid that what I didn't know WOULD hurt me. Or someone would be mad at me, or that I did something incorrectly or something like that.

I'm doing marginally better in the patience department. I was reminded twice today that in a specific area in my life, the patience card needs to be played longer. I can't bail at the first sign of trouble or when my patience suddenly craps out.

I never really thought about it. But I think that I am better about patience in this area than I have been in my past. But It's stil not enough. I am going to drive myself insane if I keep worrying about things that I can't change on my own.

But I am willing to do the work. I am filling my time fairly well, though the reason I am having trouble this week is the that I had a couple of days with more time on my hands than I should. I need to take steps to fill those voids too.

My patience is going to be better. And I am praying that with that patience comes the one thing I really want.

I am willing to put the work in on this. If that means occupying my time better, than that's what I need to do. If it means improving myself in the process - that's OK too.

so long as in the end the good thing comes to me because I am waiting AND working at it.

Things I am learning about myself, about love and about life

The last few months have been enlightening to me.

I was accused of not taking care of myself. On more than one occasion by one person. I disagree on some points and I agree on others.

What I did say and maintain is "Hello kettle you ARE black". This person takes less care of themselves than I do.

You see, the term "taking care of myself" is a hard one. I care very much about myself. I am spending a lot of time taking care of my body and self image as that has taken a big hit in the past couple of years. I know why it did and while it's a valid reason, however it has a tendancy to take over, so I needed to let it go and move on. I gained all weight back that I had worked so hard to lose in the years before my dad passed and it's coming up on four years since he died and that also make me four years closer to a landmark birthday. So I bit the bullet when this person said to me, " you don't take care of yourself" and bumped up the good things I was ALREADY doing to get the weight off. I added the activity that I loathe so much. I actually like it now.

Then I started noticing that "care" had a different definition to me too. I care enough about myself to not get involved in situations that don't actively involve me. I also don't allow situations to happen that include me, without my permission. I don't mean to say that people ask my permission to involve me. I mean that I either allow the situation to happen to me or I decline and walk away and disassociate myself for some period of time.

Once I started doing this pretty frequently, I noticed it wasn't that hard.

For example. The Choral group I discussed yesterday. I am in the process of deciding to leave. I have three months to make that decision. Please DO NOT think that I am doing this in support for the director. I am not. I am doing this in support of ALL the past, present and future directors of this group. I am also doing it so that I do not have to watch the foundation crumble on my family legacy. Sad, but better if it folds up when I am not there, Less painful.

I am learning about love the hard way. I am in the middle of a life lesson that I am not entirely sure how it's supposed to go. Either I am supposed to acknowledge the feelings that I have had for 8-10 years and finally get over them OR I am supposed to learn the art of patience because the only person I have ever truly loved has walked back into my life in the right capactiy. Maybe this is our time FINALLY. Maybe it's not. Maybe its the lesson that teaches me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in for myself ? Or some combination of the above. What I want and what I am supposed to learn may end up being the same and they may end up being different. I am having a hard time believing that a loving and caring God would bring this situation back to me in this fashion without a plan for us to be together in the long run.

I pray for guidance on these items and I also pray for the outcome that I want with them as well.

I have discovered that life is funny, life is messy and dramatic. I hate the drama, I hate the gossip, but honestly, without it, I am living a half life. I am not fully living becuase I am not fully feeling. I realized that after Easter this year. I was not taking care of myself because I was living in the middle of the emotional spectrum rather than experiencing the Highs and Lows. Understand this. The middle is a nice resting place to hang out in when you are trying to recover your strength ( physical or emotonal) after something traumatic happens. It also takes a lot of additional work to not want the drama in your life. It sometimes takes an act of congress to put up the barrier that says "drama stay the hell out!".

But in the end, reality has a way of creeping up on you. Life is messy. YOu can't live fully without experiencing the high's and lows that come with it. So while the middle is a good resting place, it should only be used as that - A resting place. You can't love fully there.

I didn't think that was true. I didn't believe that I could be happy with the highs and the lows. Well, the lows. But the resting place gave me the strength to experience the highs and lows and handle the highs wonderfully with some AMAZING memories and handle the lows in a way that doesn't enable a full blown depression that would normally send me far away to hibernate.

I handle a lot of things better. I am better able to say "no" to situations that are not acceptable to me or good for me. And withstand the pressure when people try to change my mind.

I am better equipped to deal with my challenges of health and work.

A brilliant mind recently told me that they were envious of my situation. I have never had anyone be envious of me for any reason ever. It was a strange sensation. But not a bad one. I cannot imagine anyone choosing the path my life is on right now. And then I realize that I did choose. I could have said "No, I refuse to put myself in that position again". The risk of saying NO to the possibility was greater than the risk of having my heart broken. So I chose the path that I am on and will see it through to some point. The difference now, for me, is that I am 8-10 years older and I know more about myself and about the situation. I can mae some better educated decisions about what I will and won't tolerate.

And for all of you who know the story - did you know that throwing a drink at someone actually qualifies as "battery" ??? I just found that out in conversation and found that terribly funny. I guess I am lucky I didn't throw the waterford glass too! And that the person doesn't remember the drink got thrown!

At the risk of sounding like a broken record

Dear Friends and Bloggers,

I realize to most of you who regularly read, I must sound like a broken record. I must sound like a whiny woman who is crying for the moon.

I have to tell you that this Blog is so important to me because this is the one place that I use to sound out my feelings, blow off steam without saying harmful things to people and to get som of my ideas andn opinions out there.

So therefore, if I seem repetitive, you need to chalk it up to the blow off steam and sound out my feelings portion of "why I blog". And while it is important to me that my readers, um, read, it is actualy more important that I get what I have to say off my chest.

I think the reason that I am overall handling these massive challenges that are coming at me all at once, better than I normally do, is because I blog. I put my feelings and opinions down and when I am done, I can walk away feeling better. I think more clearly and see the situation that may be bothering me slightly more objectively.

So I will start today by thanking you all for you patience, love and support.

****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Situations demanding my attention that cause me stress:

On Being President:

I have decided officially that I am not going to be president. I have no guilt feelings over this decision. It is the right one for me and I will stand by it. I am not afraid to tell my friends AND family that I just don't wish to hold that position. I have never wanted it and taking it on with out the desire, is just foolish. An not fair to the group.

On Feeling Foolish and Getting and Giving Help:

I am not embarassed or ashamed that I went to my priest for help and support. He asked me some questions that I knew were coming... I don't think I would have phrased them the same way, but thats neither here nor there. He acknowledged what he saw ( which is what everyone who has been in contact has seen) and understood why I remain involved in the situation at all. He also understands that what happened 10 years ago really plays a major part in what is happening today. Based on all the history and the current triangle / pay it forward / family illnesses situation, I have temporarily decided to wait and see. I can't and will not do this forever as my sanity cannot tolerate that. If I must, I will issue my ultimatum and fade silently away for awhile. I don't wish to do that. By doing that, I will inflict more pain on someone who is already tortured. I can't live with that even if it is the right thing to do for myself. I can't sacrifice someone else for my happiness. and Certainly not someone that I love. This topic is going to crop up now and again and I beg your indulgence on it as I am really not as good at this as I wish I were. I have wonderful friends, but I fear they are tired of listening to me.

Health:

I am continuing to exercize and eat right. I owe that to myself. I am looking better, my eyes are now adjusted to the contacts and I really like them. I tore one in half during my dress reahearsal and didn't even notice that half was stuffed in the corner of my eye! That was too funny.... My B/P continues to average right in the normal area.

Music:

My director is resigning tonight after our performance. He is sick of hte politics and the crap that is going on and I do not blame him. This is Romper Room for adults with some Choral MAsterworks thrown in. Depending on what happens with a new director ( A friend of mine was put up for the job already) I will completely support her but I am going to warn her, once she decides, what she is dealing with. This crew has never done that and I don't think it's fair. So I will do it myself and arm her with the information up front.

Family:

My stepmom is going to be very agnry and upset with me after this weekend. I really feel badly that I don't care that much. It's not that I don't care about her, but her reasons will be superficial and she will handle it by badmouthing me behind my back. I wish I could care abouot that, but I really can't. She will get one warning if I hear it, and then after that, she is on her own. I don't have that much tolerance these days.

Please do not mistake this for "A plan checkpoint". It's not. It's just me outlining the area's in my life that are causing me stress and where I am at.

If I take everything else away - the reason I went to see my priest is the biggest one weighing on my mind.

I hope everyone enjoys a Happy Mothers Day!

On getting help and giving help

"OK, lady, tell me what's going on. I saw tears from the choir loft." Father Christopher said.

"I didn't think anyone noticed. Rather - I hoped that no one would have noticed. My emotions are really close to the surface right now." I said.

"Does this have to do with anyone with the initial "S'? " He asked

" NO - she and I are fine. nothing amiss between stepmom and I" I countered

"OK, lets make an appointment and talk. This isn't like you. " He pulls out his palm pilot.

I love that priest has a palm pilot. I think that's a hoot - we did discuss the pro's and cons of a blackberry also.


"What's good for you? " He asks

"Anytime, I'm flexible" from me

He looks me up and down and winks.

"I do pilates now" I said Laughing

"really.... you look good. How's Wednesday? Morning? He asks. He puts a hand on my shoulder

I start to cry again. I put my sunglasses on.

"Wednesday is good, I can make that. I'm sorry, this is really close to the surface right now" I sniffle

"It's OK, you want to hide, I get that. I do that too. " He says. " So I'll see you on Wednesday morning - OK? "

I nod as another parishioner came over to talk to him. She hugged me and thanked me for my kind words when she got pinned at our Kiwanis meeting earlier in the week. I had dedicated some money in the freewill offering in happiness that she got pinned. Behind my sunglasses, the tears were still flowing freely. But she nicely didn't notice.

I pulled away from her and Fr. Christopher says "I'll talk with you Wed. Its all good!"

I lean over and I say "This isn't my normal topics. This one is about a man" I say.

He clapped his hands in glee - " I can't WAIT to hear this one"

I do just love a priest with a sense of humor. I also love that he's my age. It makes our counseling sessions more like friends hanging out and talking. Though he does make me think and answer questions I would rather not acknowledge at all most of the time.

"I have been waiting for you to come back." I said "Don't go away that long again. Even on the bishops dime"

That generates a laugh on his part.

As I leave to go teach, I realize that I have to get my game face on. Can't face a 10 year old while in tears. So I have some water as I sit in the car. I relax and think about my other friend K. She and I have the same name and the same birthday. She's in hell with her job. She loves her craft but hates the district that she is currently working in. I feel her pain. In this region, the more money a school district has, the more likely it is that the teachers are going to have to deal with kids and parents that have the attitude of self entitlement. My niece is one of her students. She doesn't suffer from that particular syndrome but so many of her classmates do.

My poor friend just got verbally abused at the solo festival that we have been prepping kids diligently for the last few months. She got verbally abused by three seemingly mature adult teachers at least 10-15 years our senior. She was reduced to tears, which is not normal for her. Been there, done that. All I could do was give her a hug. I invited her over for a glass of wine or tea. She said, not today, but definitely next weekend. She said she needs another friend who can help her through this that understands our business. She wants to get her doctorate but it's an audition only scenario and she needs more experience before the programs will accept her. I've seen her work and seriously these programs would be just damn foolish for not accepting her. But I know ther pre-reqs as well as she does and the C/V needs tweaking with more experience so we are going to brainstorm a bit.

What goes around comes around. Even on good things like asking for and receiving help,. And giving help when you are the qualified individual.

There are several future posts to come out of both scenarios here. These are both potentially volatile situations.

There is no shame in asking for help. Be it from a friend. Or a minister. Or a qualified professional. or even a family member. Human being's are raised to be independent and not need nor ask for help. But Human Beings are social creatures and are not created to know everything. They were created to learn. IN order to learn, questions must be asked. Help for what you don't understand must be sought. It is not shameful, it is not weak. If anything, asking for help when you need it is SMART. It shows intelligence and shows that you know your own mind welll enough.

I feel better just for having an appointment on the calendar. And I feel good that I am in a position to help a friend. Most of all I feel that I can discuss my issues without fear and without judgement. It's not confession - there is no confessing here. This is just simple counseling. Plain and simple.

I just need objective help here. My trusted friends who know, I value and respect all the opinions that have been offered, all the support, the caring, compassion and love. This has nothing to do with any of that. I just need to talk it out with someone who's going to help me sort out what's in my head and heart right now.

It's going to be OK. I know it is.

The gift of love - a Daily Meditation

I have a book for daily meditations for people who worry too much. It was written by Anne Wilson Schaef.

I didn't buy it intentionally.

I used to belong to a book club and totally forgot to send the card in that I didn't want that book. So it came and it sat on my coffee table for years. Since 1996 in fact. I picked it up - 7 years ago to be honest - and read the days randomly as needed. The book works like this - you look up todays date (without the year), you read the passage and meditate on it.

We are in the middle of a huge thunder and lightening storm right now, one of my favorite things in the world. It started right around the time that I normally pray and meditate. So I open the book to May 1. And this is what came up to greet me.

The Gift of Love
"When have I not been dreading dangers more grievous than the reality? Love is a thing replete with anxious fears. "

Penelope

It's sad, isn't it, that one of the greatest gifts we have as human beings (not that this gift is exclusive to humans!), the gift of loving and being loved, is so replete with anxieties. It is difficult to remember that love is always a gift. We cannot make our children love us no matter how we try. We cannot make anyone love us no matter how we try. We canoot make our friends love us, nor the man or woman we think we want as a spouse.

The Loving itself is not "replete with anxious fears." It is the belief that we can control love that results in anxiety. When we believe that we can control love, we always have to be on red alert, lest in a moment of inattention someone snatches it or it goes away. When it is our responsibility to keep it there, we can never rest.

When I remember that love is a gift, I can relax and enjoy it.


I meditated on this and how it applies to my life. Then I prayed for the things that I need, I spent a lot of time praying for one thing that I want. Then I began my prayers for others. In that time, it occured to me that this gift of love is truly rare and I personally, until recently, was not open to it as I should have been.

I mean all kinds of love.

I am truly a blessed person in that I have a wonderful family and an amazing network of friends. I love all of them so much. And I really don't expect that they all love me. But they do.
I have never believed that I needed a man to complete me. ( SO Jerry Maguire). I wanted one, but didn't need one. A Partner is nice, but not required.

But is that really so? I discovered that I can live without someone, but I really don't want to. I also discovered that burying my feelings and hoping they will go away, can work for a really long time, but it is a short path to shutting down.

That's where I have been for quite awhile. Shut down. Walls I didn't want to build were built without my knowledge. One day I woke up and they were there. who built them? where did they come from ?


I know now where they came from. Me. I know why and with whom and on what date that construction job started. So, I had a long talk with God tonight, we talked about a lot of things - well I talked, he listened. I hope. Amongst the thunder and lightning strikes, I asked for forgiveness on a couple of things that I could have done differently and certainly better. Then I talked about love and what I am looking for and wanting. I begged for strength to be patient, strength to have the courage of my convictions when and if it is needed. I begged for divine intervention in the area of love in my life.

And in my love life.

In effect, I am putting all my eggs in that divine basket. That basket will go up on a shelf. It will be meditated and prayed on once per day. Eventually those prayers will be answered. Prayers always are - maybe not the solution you wanted, but one will be provided. I heard that many years ago from a friend in college - he was right then and he's right now.

Love is a gift. In any form.

Enjoy those you love.