mental head slap.

I had a long talk with Bernie today.

I am happy to have him nearby and more happy that I got to have this time with him. Especially on the phone.

I realized that I don't have any "guy" friends anymore that are:

A. Straight
B. Just my friends.
C. trustworthy.

He holds the distinction of being the only one. It's an honor that I hold dear actually.

So I talked to him about some things that are going on with my best friend. He's a great listener. He listened to me, calmly even when I was fighting tears, and his bottom line was brilliant. "It's the difference between men and women".

Huh.

Mental head slap.

When I paused to think about it.... he's right. Not that I like it, because I don't and not because it should be this way, because I don't think it should, It just is.

Women, generally speaking, will call their girlfriends or sisters or whoever they need to and talk out their issues, problems and frustrations.

Men, quite simply, don't. Not as a first line of defense at any rate. Most will suffer in silence. Some will blog, some will podcast, some will paint, some will write, some will compose.

Mine tends to compose. But even that's not happening now.

So I am dealing with this situation with a man who won't communicate, and I think the problem is that he may not want to or know how to. My problem is I need to fix things for others. If it's broken, I want to help fix it, if you are hurting, I want to make the hurt less, If you are crying, I want to make you laugh.... it's who I am.

We call it the Messiah complex. Needing to make everything better for everyone else. He has one too - makes for a hell of a fun relationship.

Furthermore, when push came to shove, and I actually made my worries and concerns known, I think that while all of them are valid, I may not have conveyed them in a way that a guy can deal with. I wrote them down, because I am not being given the opportunities to communicate in the normal way - a conversation. He's either avoiding or not in a condition to deal with it.

In my letter, I basically treated him like one of the girls, which I know he likes to say and think that he is, but he's really not. And I think it may have caused some additional strife.

He may not know what he needs, which is fine. I may not be able to help, which is not fine and I will have to find a way to deal with... my problem not his. I need to help him by just being there and he needs to help me by talking more and taking some actions that will help him.

We both know we need to talk, it's just a matter of time now.

Thanks for once again being there to pick me up Bernie!!!!! I loev you!

I knew what the contents were when I bought it

Did you ever see those Game shows? YOu know Door number 1, Door number 2 and Door number 3? And what's behind them? One has a check for 50 grand, one has a jar of turtlewax and the other a blender?

Well, I knew what I was getting when I chose my best friend. I knew what was going on with him, most of his challenges- at least the big ones, the good, the bad, the indifferent.

I still know and I am not at all sorry for my choice. I love my choice and I am happy that I picked him and that he is in my life.

But things for him are rough in some ways and improving in others.

One thing that has been happening is our communication - not working the way it used to.

I had to resort to a letter to tell him what's going on. Sometimes I think that writing a letter is a good thing. Sometimes I don't.

I write all the time. Not necessarily on this blog. I have a private blog where I write my letters to God. So my writing is improving just because I exercize it regularly.

My letter was proofread by one of my most trusted and best friends. She had me remove 6 words out of the two pages. She believed that it was a good letter because there was no blame, no anger though anger is referenced, it was not written in anger. Mostly the content is a plea for us to talk, to communicate, and to let him know just how much I love him and worry about him.

The fact is, months ago my priest referred to me as a doormat. Well not anymore. that letter clearly shows that I am not a doormat. And here's why.

I could continue along the path that we are one and see what happens, but then I wouldn't be taking care of me. By writing that letter, I am standing up for myself.

When he spoke to me last night, I knew he had read it, but he didn't seem angry. He was trying to keep conversation normal between us. This is actually a good thing. It was a roll of the dice really and I hoped that I had conveyed my major point. He isn't one to hide it when he's angry. However, we didn't discuss it - not on the phone while I was driving at any rate. I think he needs some space but leaving me like this is killing me.

I cry all the time. I worry about him. Mostly I want to blow up the whore's home with her in it ( not really but the imagery makes me feel better) for hurting him so badly.

Funnily enough, I remember him going through this when his wife left him many years ago. I wanted to blow her up to. I hadn't met her either. I no longer want to blow her up. Thank her, yes. But not blow her up. We wouldn't be where we are now, for better or for worse, if she hadn't left him.

I want him to come home. I want to talk this through. I am really exercizing some seriously enormous restraint! For those of you who actually know me - this is unreal.

Of course - to be fair and honest. I haven't eaten since yesterday. Not succesfully at any rate. And I don't miss it either.

So as a good consumer, I do not complain about my choice. It wass fully researched, not without its flaws, but the joys it gives and potential for joy that it will give will pay dividends for years to come.

The Plan: Month 10 and 11

I thought I had done a month 10 and discovered with a sinking feeling that I had not.

I am combining October and November into one. Sad to say that overall I am just maintaining not improving.

• Scenario 1 - Health / Exercise: Well the weight is maintaining. I am not getting sick as often and the B/P seems to be stable at the moment. I need to go back to that doctor to have a prescription refilled and I am so afraid that my B/p will be high again and he won't give it to me. I DO NOT want to start on B/P meds if I can avoid it.
• Scenario 2 - Job/Career- My boss should retire. I should be so lucky. He treats me like I am incapable of tying my own shoes. Evidently I ride the special bus to work in the morning. I generally just yes him to death and do what I normally do every day. This seems to be the only plan till year end when we can tell him to cut out the micromanaging. I would be miserable if I were the only one he does it too. But alas - it's my entire team.
• Scenario 3 - My home. I am afraid very little changed there till this week. I took care of 2 out 3 closets today. I did my desk. The Air conditioner is still not in, but that was time related.
• Scenario 4 - finances - Started Christmas Shopping. Have some personal business to deal with and a will to make, officially.
• Scenario 5 - Education - Took on one last kid as a favor but that is it. Now it's just replacement kids as they grow up and graduate.
• Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - Working on my relationships with friends and family. They are coming along. I have discovered where some of my personality traits have come from based on some interesting events that have transpired recently. I was threatened bodily by a former friend ( the diva). she took a swing at me. I noticed that I was not only NOT afraid, but almost hit her back. It was some serious restraint and the thought of another person standing between us that prevented me from swinging back at her. I never had that happen before. I am usually the one to run away from anything physical like that. That situation will take care of itself as I am bringing her up on disciplinary charges within our group. Even she isn't above the law. Meanwhile I am still dealing with the depression of my best friend. I noticed on Thanksgiving eve that he makes sure he puts on a good act and good front for our friends. He doesn't drink that much and he doesn't misbehave. He says and does all the right things so people don't see how bad it is. Then he comes home to me and it all comes out. I know that this is only my problem by proximity but it worries me. I can't stand seeing someone I love in such pain. We are working on it though.
• Scenario 7 - Self esteem - This waxes and wanes. Overall I feel that it has improved. I am trying really hard to be the strong person that I am but it's hard to overcome 20+ years of bad self esteem.
• Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I am really trying t o make it to church. 8:30 call for a 10:15 service is driving me bananas. I am not the best sleeper and to invest almost 3 and half hours at church on a Sunday is a bit much. I am really trying to sort this out. This is the third year this way. I may have to just attend church and not sing in the choir because it's too much for me. I also am having some issues with the new director. She's reaally nice and immeasurably talented but she's hard to understand. Will continue to make and effort while I lobby to get a rehearsal during the week.

The holidays

If you asked me ten years ago, "When do you start preparing for Christmas" The answer would be sometime around Christmas eve.

With each passing year it gets sooner and sooner. I know MY reason is due to my concert and performance schedule beefing up and ramping up quickly. I started the preparation of my home this weekend.


No - not decorating. Just reorganizing and prepping for the actual deorating which I am planning to do on Dec 7th.


I have started my Christmas shopping and have started planning my baking. I want to have a dinner party for another couple sometime before the blessed event as well.


I have a larger performnce schedule than normal, and my best friend is racking and stacking his gigs like crazy too. Which, of course, means getting the calendar out and putting all the dates on there. Otherwise netiher of us gets to hear the other perform. At least not till we get "our" act together.


There is also his birthday in there as well. I would like to have the dinner party as a birthday dinner for my best friend with two other couples. Not a big fuss, just a dinner amongst friends. I am not inviting the whole world and I am not making a fuss over it. He would love it but hate it. And that's just tough because I know he is working the night of his birthday and I think he needs others to make a fuss over him so he knows how much he is loved.


So I have my Martha stewart Magazines out, cookbooks, I have two closets out of 3 done.


Through all the madness that has started, I have made a promise to myself though.


My activity level has recently decreased to non existent. I tend to get melancholy during the holidays which is why I like to be busy. So I am adding walking every day for 30 monites this week. then I am adding my weights back 5 days starting next week.


I bought cards today. I bouoght a birthday card for a friend and my best friend's birthday card and Christmas card. One is lighter than the other.

I woke up with no voice today. I will be attending my rehearsal tonight with the Diva who took a swing at me last week. I am taking her up on disciplinary actions. I am just busy writing that up. behaviour not befitting a board member.

I gained 2 pounds from Thanksgiving for which I am giving thanks. Because I practically ate myself into a coma. it's not that I overate - if you had seen my plate, no one would believe how little I ate. It's just that for ME it was a lot in one sitting. I eat that much over the course of one day not all at once. And I think that made in impact on how my body processed it.

Of course Scale Mistress makes a compelling point about vitamins and I need to get back to it.

So, in short the prep for the holidays, I hope will make things easier for me.

We shall see....

Happy Thanksgiving

I find myself writing this in a lukewarm mood.

Possibly because I am tired, from overeating,but largely I think because of some of the twists in my life that I have been eluding too.

Now I won't dwell on them as this is supposed to be a thanksgiving post. All I will say is that I am overly thankful this year, but with less joy. Depression in a loved one can do that and I am not dealing as well with them as I would like.

enough.

What I am thankful for is that I have a wonderful family who has flaws because they are human. But they are still mine and I love them just for that reason alone and thankful that they are mine.

I am also thankful for my career and job, regardless of the down sides.

I am thankful for the vast array of friends that I h ave been blessed with. All are different, all hae very specific things that drew us together and all of them are special to me in wonderful and lovely ways.

I am blessed to own a home and a car. I am blessed with two beautiful cats. I am blessed with a person who loves me. I am blessed to love him too. I am thankful to have these elements in my life.

On wednesday, a wise friend of mine said to me "We have many things like what you are going through happen to us. What separates you and I out of it, is that, while we do what needs doing to help our loved ones, we also see the blessings that we have as well"

I thought that very appropriate. I try to remember my blessings when I am ready to give up the fight for what I want.

So on this Thanksgiving night, with my tummy full of wonderful food, I am thankful for my life, and the people in it. I know that when the going gets tough there blessings that can get me through.

Bless all of you and have a wonderfully Thankful weekend!

Life is strange

My college room-mate and one of my bestest friends in the world sent me an email today.

I can guarantee you that had this email come from anyone else, I would have been crazy defensive.

Here's why. She compared my current with her ex. In similarities. I should also say that I couldn't stand her ex. And I made that clear.

Time does strange things though. Her email was honest and based solely on what I have said to date. It was actaully good that she wrote it and I am very very glad that she did. because it forced me to step back and look at both men for their similarities AND their differences.

The differences are huge. The similarities, I hate to say this, sort of go with the age. We are talking about men who lived through the 60's and 70's and all the things that go with that

This latest crisis that I have been going through has been hard. And she has been a rock today. I love her for it because she loves me enough to be honest with me about the things she hears and reads from me.

She forced me, without realizing it, to defend him in all the good things that he is. I wrote them in my reply - which was an interesting exchange. She's probably the only person that I know who can challenge me that way and neither of us got defensive or ugly about it, just sort of matter of factly wrote out what we thought and when I wrote out the initial list, I had to stop because I would have been writing for awhile. I didn't even have to think through what his good points where. They just flowed out of me like an open water valve. she was surprised. All she's heard recently is the bad things.

I think as people we have a tendancy to be embarassed by seeing good in others. I know I do it. But I notice even with my other friends, we are quick to talk about the bad things that are plaguing us. Whose husband is pissing them off, whose parents are driving them nuts. We don't hear about how after 10+ years of marriage, through the good and bad, sickness, health, that they still do nice things for each other.

One of my girlfriends is married to a really great guy. I adore them both. They drive each other nuts, but love each other greatly. I called today to talk to her, and she had been out since 8AM. I spoke to her husband who said he hadn't seen her since 8 and it was now 3 and he couldn't wait to see her.

I hung up and started to cry at how incredibly sweet that was after all the years and kids and stress that they have.

I think we are embarassed to acknowledge how we feel about others. I think that we as a people have a tendancy to have that viewed as weakness in our cutthroat lives.

I can guarantee that I did.

If it weren't for Mrs Jackson, Vinny and Maplemama I don't think I would have ever uttered the words I love you to my friends. Seriously. I feel it, I know its present in my heart, but I couldn't say it. These folks just say these things as the feel them and they don't apologize for it or are embarassed by it. Excellent role models for me.

Now I say it.

I also am starting to make a point of looking at the good things and making sure that people know how I feel.

I know I am pile of goo on the inside. I am just ever so afraid that people will see that. and view as weak, or worse overly emotional. I was always overly emotional as a child and my parents didn't know how to deal with that as they weren't really like that. Or maybe I was too much of a handful - I don't know. What I do know is that I remember my stepfather asking me why I have to cry all the time and at everything. Why was I so emotional.

I worked really hard to squash that. It didn't work out so well. I built big thick solid walls around myself. Protecting myself from the hurt and pain. No pain, no tears. Neat right?

Anyone curious why I have a weight problem???? anyone seeing the pattern yet?

I am really working hard at this relationship. It's not without it's issues and problems. My gutt instinct when one rises up is to run for the hills. Then one of my friends talks me down ( Thank you Ms Siamese) and then another comes in and forces me to look for the good ( Thank you Am) and the fight comes back. The fire reignites in my belly.

I think the lesson here for me, is not just knowing in your heart what the good in your loves ones is, but being able to articulate it, even and especially when the chips are down. It brings different perspectives and helps the brain work out the solutions even while you are at rest.

Good friends are hard to find. especially the ones that know you longest. If you have lived together, so much the better. Don't let them go.

Hold on with both hands and fight to keep them.

Taking care of long term business

I have to make a will.

I don't want to, but I'm at that age. I actually own property, so that also makes it necessary.

I also have life insurance and stuff, making this necessary.

Sometime ago, I made my brother and his wife the beneficiary and contingents at 100%.

After a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching, I modified it this evening and added a second benificiary.

I made the split 75% to my brother and 25% to the secondary beneficiary.

It's the right thing to do, even if its going to cause some controversy in my family. I don't care. It's what I want. I need to do this. I will be more at peace right knowing this is taken care of.

I asked Mrs. Jackson if she would take my cats in the event that something untimely happens to me. I asked that she raise them the way that I would.

She agreed, which I was counting on.

All that is left is the matter of my home, car and piano. The rest is incidental.

I am tidying up the interior and getting rid of extraneous things as well as giving away things I don't need or use. I live well, but I don't take care of things the way that I should.

Deciding how to handle the house is tough. What I want to do with it, is, leave it to one of the life insurance beneficiaries so they will always have a place to live. I don't know how that will fly or work, but I am expecting and anticipating that being the way this is going to go.

Oh and I know what my attorney will say. Again - don't care. He will advise me properly and I will listen and hear what he says, then I will do it my way.

It's an act of love, making sure that the people you love most in the world are taken care of after you depart.

I plan to have my funeral wishes written down and included in the will as well. For those of you that know me and will most likely outlive me, please, I trust you will see to it that they are followed.

Morbid... maybe.

But none-the-less.... an act of love.

If the second beneficiary is reading this.... I love you.

CATS!

My cats have a tough time relating to people with deep voices. So Wolfi has been slowly adjusting to having my bf around.

Today was the ultimate though. I spent a sleepless night and was upset at some things going on and not going on ( real or imagined). I finally went back to bed only to see my cat sleeping on him.

That traitor.

I went to sleep figureing it was a one shot deal.

Ah but no.

The little orange bastard curled up on his lap to sleep for the better part of the afternoon. Good thing I got in there in the morning or I would have had NO cuddle time with him at all. What's good for the cat is good for the mother! In fact he wanted to know if it was alright with Wolfi!

As I was walking out the the door, the two of then looked up at me and he said " this is MY cat now".

Ha,

Not till he feeds them and deals with the litter box!

Weirdness

I have always suspected that the man I would spend my life with would be different and the relationship would be anything but normal.


I also knew - and I mean knew - that I would be tested by God and this man in very unique and special ways.


I have to admit trying desparately to take the easy way out. I have dated scores of men inside my and above my income level, I have dated scores of men equal to and above my intelligence level. I have dated very few musicians, but the ones I dated were very carefully selelcted by my psyche subconsciously.


I am all about tradition. I want the house with the proverbial picket fence, minus the kids and dog. Substitute peace and quiet and the ability to sleep in and some cats and we're golden.


What I have learned about myself and about God is, there is no easy way out and you really cannot help who you fall in love. I have discovered that when I realized who I truly loved, he was smarter than I am, a far superior musician in some respects but not all, more life experience ( of course that comes with age) and many many other traits. Most importantly, kindness and the ability to make me laugh, and oh my gosh, do I laugh like hell.


Being with a musician, a working one, is wonderful. It's also hard and stressful and takes a lot of trust and faith.


But It's not instinctive. Not for one second. I think it takes MORE faith and MORE trust than the ordinary relationships that I have been in . I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am any good at those things either. Hence the tests.


I get uptight about the women. I admit it. But I realized something. He wouldn't mention it at all, if it were important. It's an amazing ego boost for a man who thinks little of himself when he has so much that he offers and so freely gives of himself. And lord there are so many of them that it's hard for a guy to not look.

It's all about the communication. As long as thee dialogue is going on, things are goinig to be OK.

And Now we wait

This may come as a surprise to some of you, but I do not have a lot of patience. More to the point, I don't have a lot of patience when waiting for something.

The worst thing on earth is to call or leave a message, with no indicative tone of voice, that we need to talk. and then leave me hanging.

Largely because I have never had good things come from that. It's always been bad news.

Tonight I am sitting on edge and waiting because the Whore is at the bar where my bf is performing tonight.

The possibility of a showdown exists.

I'm a wreck pending the outcome and he hasn't called me yet. He even come by. We discussed it. I'll see him tomorrow either way.

But in the meantime, this has been eating him alive all week and it's passed on to me too. He's been wonderful about not pushing the issues here, but I'm stressed all the same.

I'd fight tigers for him. Including her.