Catharsis

I tend to be a half full person. When life hands me lemons either I make lemonade or get out the tequila.


This has been one of my greatest challenges. Since Jon's diagnosis, I have not really cried, or had an emotional reaction in front of him. My worry is on my face at times or in the way I hover a little too much over him when he's in pain, but otherwise I stay the course and keep everyone positive and moving forward.


This week things were strained in large part because of me and my inability to quickly process events, make a decision and move on. It takes me longer than it takes him.


His computer has a virus and is a mess. I have been slowly working on it and trying to correct. It's slowly improving but I hit an impasse by Wed. So I took a day off. And his head exploded - not at me - but at himself for clicking on something he shouldn't have in the first place. He is very careful to qualify his frustration because he knows how many hours and how much money I have been spending to put it right again. But I know it's a pain in the ass - I hate it as much as he does.


So Thursday night when I arrived home from teaching, I poured myself a glass of wine, picked up my laptop and walked it over to his desktop and logged into my email to start re-working this machines registry line by line ad nauseum.


I was quiet. Working gave me the out. I didn't have to talk which is good as I was still really processing things.


At one point I asked him to please come over and pop his email password in so I could verify that login was working. He just verbally gave it to me and told me to play around as much as I wanted - nothing there I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed by the trust he has in me. Especially after I unwittingly violated that once a year ago.


I got all done with everything I could do and kicked off a NOrton Full scan and went to make my self dinner.


I sat down in the living room with my homemade waffles and he put on "God Said, Ha!". Now I don't care if you have personal identity with the situations outlined in the film or not - it's going to hit you between the eyes. For those of you unfamiliar, Julia Sweeney is doing poignant but funny at times monologue on her brother's cancer fight as well as her own. She survived, He did not.


In watching this film, I found myself unable to laugh, though she was absolutely hilarious. Unable to cry - and LORD KNOWS I WANTED TO.


Then she made some wise assed remark about her brothers responses to the shunt put in his forehead to help with fluids. I have to tell you that not only was that the funniest thing I had head, but it reminded me of his brother and the reactions that his brother routinely has at things like this. I looked at him and realized he was crying.


Then it occured to me that I was crying too.


Huh.


How did that escape me - had those tears been there all along?


Nah - I would have noticed to be sure.


I lean over and hug him. He tells me no no no - but doesn't push me away so I stay and just hold him.


Then he pushes me away - moment had passed.


We continue to watch this and it occurs to me slowly that I am not who he wants around right now. So the next round of tears that comes up - I look at him and he puts his hand up as if to say "don't touch me". I do this all the time to be honest... So I try not to take it personally. But I do say "I know I am not who you want around right now".


He responds by taking my hand and saying:


"You are going to meet everyone. Joann, Denise and yes, the whore. These women are going to be around and they are going to be our support system. They will be driving you and I back anf forth to radiation. And Yes the whore too."


" OK " is the only thing I can choke out here


"The whore is out of the doghouse with me as a friend. As a lover - not so much. But I need to let the anger go" He says


"I know - I knew that when you showed me the poem you wrote. I'm glad you've let it go but you have to be patient with the rest of us who aren't on the same point of the road yet and those of us who love you and don't trust the person who hurt you so badly"


still holding my hand "I know - and I can't tell you how that has helped me get to the point I am at with her. I can't have anger and pain hanging over me. THe only way to release it was to forgive her and rebuild the friendship. "


"OK I can try" I say


I get up, take out my contacts and get ready for bed.


I come back out to finish watching this movie that has now crushed me into sobs. He gets up to get something to drink and says to me "Turn it off - its time for bed".


It's not even midnight. Hunh


I say "no it's OK"


"no it's time for bed - this will be on some other time and we can watch it then. Besides I can't ever get through it all in one sitting. "


We go to bed and while we are laying there holding hands and watching "From Dusk til dawn" it occurs to me that we never had this moment since he got diagnosed - we just took it in stride and moved along as if nothing was different or even wrong for that matter - just each day as it came.

I know his cancer is not terminal. In my heart I know it. But there is always that 1% seed of doubt in my mind that something may crop up that will be life threatening. I can't imagine my life without him so this is a scary concept. I tend not to focus on it - I have to stay positive and stay the course in order to keep him positive and both moving forward

Since that night, I have noticed an overwhelming number of movies with thiis concept have been on lately - My Life with Michael Keaton, Catch And Release with Jennifer Garner and Juliette Lewis, God Said Ha! and so on.... Even though I have seen all of them in the past - these are just not films I can watch at this point. Sad because they are all good and struck a chord in me even before this.

Carrol O'Connor has a great line in Return to me. He says "It's the character that's strongest that God hands the most challenges to".

It's the strength of character that matters most in all of us. It's what is going to pull him through this. It's going to be what enables me to help him get through it.

We had a cathartic moment. It was really emotional and exhausting.

But necessary - folks don't bury it! Let it out so you can move forward.

Onward and upward

The whore.

OK - it's been awhile. But the thing is I am trying to make my peace with the fact that he's not angry anymore and has forgiven her for hurting him.

He wants to be friends with her. At least for now.

I know she's using him for the emotional support that she may not be getting from the man she chose to live with and pursue an exclusive relationship with. But my knowing it and his knowing it are two different things. I cannot teach him this lesson. It's one that he has to learn on his own.

Perhaps he won't ever have to learn it or be further disappointed and hurt by her.

As for me, I am making as much peace with this as I can. It doesn't happen over night and I am the same way with my past loves so how could I expect him to be different?

The fact is he is faced with his mortality. I know he's trying to mend fences and un-burn bridges as much as possible right now. He's righting wrongs and rebuilding bridges.

This is what we call a growth period. Some might call it a mid life crisis.

At the end of the day a growth period is when you re-evaluate your life, take stock and make changes.

He started doing that in January when we did his brothers last fund raiser. It's been slowly but steadily changing and improving as time marches on.

All I can do here is love him and let him know that its OK to talk about things - if it bothers me I will address it as needed.

Resignation

I'm changing bf's name to a real one. His name is now Jon.

Tonight, Jon said to me that he has resigned himself to a life of pain. Of course it nearly brok my heart.

I hugged him. I kissed him - but it doesn't stop it. Not like when we were little at any rate.

My mom and I talked the other day. I gave her the updates on his oondition and she said "I need to tell you how proud I am of you. Others in your position might have walked away".

I can't even imagine that. Who would walk away?

And she doesn't even know the worst parts. And you know what - she knows that too. She knows the worst is yet to come and that there are things I can't and won't tell her.

And she's not offended.

Lately he's made the commetary on my making things "about me." Of course I am used to him making things about him, but about me??? hmmmm

I can't even imagine his pain. I hope like hell that the treatment will help alleviate it. In the meantime I am switching up to holistic and esthetic means of treatment in that arena.

Any suggestions??? We start radiation eery day for 9 weeks on Monday and 1 round of chemo every 3rd week.

All welcome!

I need parts of my old life back

I gained 10 lbs. All right?

Since cohabitating, I have stopped activity as a rule and my eating has regressed to an ugly frenzy. While my portion sizes have not increased, the types of foods have changed and not necessarily for the better.

I am changing up the food types this week. There has to be some changes anyway because his treatments start next week. I need to bulk him up a bit.

I saw my dermatologist last week and got new scripts for the same meds andn started a new allergy pill that seems to be working.

I am going start doing some kind of activity this week as well.

We have 2 parties on the calendar right now - one in April and one in June. We have a communion scheduled for May as well.

In spite of the cancer, we are trying to keep our schedules normal. I am still trying desparately to turn this house into a home for us. At least one that is comfrotable and all of that.

My week is already shaping up in the busiest of all ways. I have 2 lessons tomorrow. I have 2 lessons on Tuesday and the third lesson is going to be a dress rehearsal for a performance. Wed I have 2 lessons and the performance. Thursday I have 2 lessons and Friday I have one lesson. Saturday there is a gig that I may sing it - we'll see. It will depend if he remembers that conversation or not.

Trying to keep things "normal" is hard since there was not established "normalcy" in the first place. So I am going to establish some now.

First things first. I am putting a "plan" in place. This plan will not really be like last years plan. But it will include facets of that plan. The categories are:

Health - I need to see my ob/gyn - it's past due. I need to have my eyes looked at as that is coming up soon. I need to see a dentist and start getting my dental issues addressed. This weeks commitment is:

• I am going to do another internal cleanse starting tomorrow
• I will add activity 3 times a week
• and drink 48 oz of water every day.

Relationship - We still have a lot to do here. He's getting comfortable with this new life we are building but backwards slides are still occurring albeit less frequently. This week:

• I will stand up for myself more when I am right.
• I will pick my battles more intelligently
• I will make my needs known better.

Care taking - My job here is relegated purely to the home. I need to make sure that there are all the componants available by the end of the week for the start of his treatments. This week's goals:

• I need to stock up on Whole milk for bulking him up.
• We need lots of fluids in house to keep him hydrated.
• He needs to get releases from the doctor for accupuncture and massage therapy.
• Medicaid

Work/ Career Primary ( PM) - My new boss rocks. She is wonderful. I have my first one on one with her today. This week:

• I will wrsp up my ;ast inflight orders.
• Keep the project flowing
• get my act together as the POC for a new software program.

Work/ Career Secondary ( Music) - I have to seriously get my kids working towards the recital in June. I have solo's of my own in May. I have work for my man that needs to be done. This week I will:

• Practice "in my life" and "Lady Madonna"
• Work on my Haydn solos
• Keep all kids for NYSSMA focused and on the right track
• Get all post NYSSMA kids focused on the June recital.
• Research New Business opp with best friend.

Spiritual - This week

• I will schedule time for a counseling session
• Schedule a second speaker for spiritual values day
• Attend church this week.

Financial - This week I will

• Get my car registration renewed
• Get the rest of the car insurance paperwork straightened out. We just "merged" our policies.
• Pay back the benefactor who gave me that last 100 dollars that I needed.

Home/ House - This week I will

• Keep up with my chores
• Clean out file cabinet.
• Start an inventory of what needs to go to storage.

This is just a sample of what I plan to accomplsh between now and next Sunday. I will keep you posted as we move forward. I really need some semblance of normalcy as well some forward movement for us as well. I don't like to be naggy but I do need to make sure that things are happening and NOT at a glacial pace. You know how THAT thrills me.

If I start taking care of me and my needs better, he will be in a better place too. in the long run.

Life is exhausting. I need a vacation.

I've had a little vino and am starting to chill

Yes my readers I was really stressed and a bit pissed yesterday.

What also happened was that I didn't sleep and I was sick most of the night.

I awoke feeling worse for the wear. Lack of sleep and a high pollen count did me in. That and being angry.

Anger is a wasted emotion to dwell on. I"ve seen what it can do to people. I was not about to let that get inside me and tear me apart.

So he woke me up to tell me was leaving to do some errands including my banking. I got up, snapped out of it and went to work.

I decided the night before that I was going to drive out to my accountant and deliver paperwork. I left about 11 and was home about 12:30. I worked for an hour and had to lie down. My allergies were kicking my ass.

While I laid down for a hour I thought about where I was going to get the last hundred dollars. I had no ready solution at my fingertips. But I did get suitably angry at myself. First that I put my priorities last and second that I let him treat me badly.

The fact is the whore really isn't a problem. I don't really give a crap about her but I dont' want her rubbed in my face. The fact is she still thinks of him as hers. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. At the end of the day, I still don't care about that either - that's her problem. I am just a wee bit put out that I am being told that "we" need to be nicer to her. I don't see why I have to. Call me petulant, call me unreasonable, but I am just a bit frustrated because of all the hell I've been through at her expense - and she IS NOT EVEN AWARE OF IT.

So - the root of yesterday's post mostly was about that. The financial thing - yeah it's a headache. Yeah it sucks. Yeah it's my some of my financial things behind the eightball, but if he doesn't have a legal vehicle, he can't work. If he can't work, we don't eat. So the math at the end of the day goes straight to that. I will put my needs first more frequently now.... I have to for my own sanity.

A friend asked me today how did I handle the down time while waiting for someone to make a major life altering decision.....

The truth is, I am still waiting. My situation is weird. Only because he wants the grown up relationship and the perks that go with it. At the same time, he's reluctant to give up the life style he had. Baby steps get us closer every day.

My advice as a rule here is, you have to know that you really want is worth the waiting and the effort. And you have to be willing to walk away.

I came home from teaching tonight and dinner was waiting for me. It was delicious.

Now I'm heading for a bath and then bed.

Night!

Pre-existing conditions.

There are times that I get so mad and so frustrated that I want to hit something and hit it hard.

Today was one of those days.

This morning, my bf went to the doctor and upone arriving home asked me to call Katerina and see if we can "borrow" space in her driveway for his car.

The short version is he has some financial issues that he needs to straighten out on his car that predate our domestic partnership.

I didn't react immediately - as characteristic of me - and sat on it for while. I left to go teach with him recording tracks for "Something" by George Harrison.

In the car, I took two important calls, one fromm our friend who owns an insurance company and another from a friend who works at the DMV. Their advise echoed one another.

There were only two options that made sense. First - pay the civil fine and re-do paperwork ( preferable ) or Second - turn plates and reg in and off road the vehicle til July ( not preferable).

I calculated the exact number financially based on tomorrow and reviewed our ( mine) assets.

We can do this the preferred way. Unfortunatley it puts a crimp on some financial settlements that I need to do, but he needs to have a vehicle on the road and functional or I CAN'T do what I need to do.

So I arrive home to hear him giving the house number I use for business out. He hangs up the phone and says "Yes. From now on, we are both going to be nice to the whore."

I must have made some kind of facial expression that was less than affirmative. He said "it's the right thing to do".

I can only assume that my facial expression didn't change radically. So he says "you know - turn the other cheek and that kind of thing...."

My only commentary is " So why are you giving her my business number and why are we being nice to her after the beeotch she's been for two years???"

"We finally got to the place where we should have been awhile ago. We should onl have been friends and nothing more. "

"Yep OK fine whatever. " Not convinced.

" you Don't have to get there today. just know that's the goal" He says.

" fine - you need to listne to me for a minute. " proceed to tell him about his financial issues.

He kind of freaked out because he didn't want me spending the money. I get it. I understand that.

Instead of treating me nicely or normally - I got treated badly thereafter - then wonerful - then bad - then good.

It almost felt like he thoght less of me for helping him.

This happens all the time. It's usually embarassment that causes it.

He recognized that he was doing it, but was unsuccesful in correctng for a few hours.

Seriously - I have spent an enormous amont of money to date. He needs to chill.

So do I.

The trials of the living

A mutual friend was visiting today. She got married in the big "wedding" we went to in November. She has "retired" after 25 years in the insurance industry.

A slight backing up.... my best friend got notification that there are some complications with paper work and his vehicle. I had suggested that we put him on my policy anyway awhile ago as there is a mulit car discount as well as an age discount - so this would be a good thing. Now it's actually a necessity.

So while our friend was here, I called my agent and inquired about what was required. I get the listing of necessary items. She laughs and asks if we are getting married. He looks at me, I look at him and he says "Nah - it's cheaper this way!".

Now if Mrs Jackson hadn't sent me her email yesterday about the difference between men and women - I would have actually read into that.

Generally speaking this entire health situation has put so much in a very specific perspective. For starters, I have noticed that I am really not caring for myself the way that I once did and at the same time I am doing more of it than I used to. It's in different areas of focus.

For example, my exercize - all but gone. But I have read up on how a caretaker should be dealing with things for themselves.

My taxes? Not done yet. My music? Well all I can say there is that I just performed an aria ( Una Voce Poco Fa) from the Barber of Seville and didn't give a crap whether or not I knew the words correctly or not. And yes I blew a couple of words but the vast majority were dead on and because I didn't give a crap the entire thiing was brilliant. But I'm not working so hard at it and that's not good. But my piano skills are improving - go figure.

Reading - not as much my normal stuff - much more on holistic healing, caring for the caretaker, caring for cancer patients, dealing with illness etc.

I have some legal issues I am going through - nothing bad or major. But it did take me to my friend and attorney. He performed in the concert with me yesterday as well. He is going through his own array of shit too. He and his wife are separating after 35 years together. She came to the performance yesterday and he sang "The way you look tonight". I was touched to be honest. There is still love there between them. It makes me happy and sad for them. I hope they can work it out - it's an awful lot of time invested. We talked a bit about that, covered my issues, more minor than I thought and moved on.

My house needs shaping up. We have put a lot of things on hold pending tests and the like that the normal tasks of living have built up a bit. Hence the reason my taxes are not done yet.

My skin, while not as bad as it could be, is not great. I have made the doctor appointment necessary and will see them tomorrow.

At some point normal will kick in. I just do not know when.

I wonder if you can get a tax extension because of cancer......

Growth

Like plants, people grow at different paces.

I always laugh when I hear statements like "One day you wake up, you have a wife ( husband,partner whatever), kids, a mortgage and a job. And you wonder how all this happened when just it seems like yesterday that you woke up in a puddle of your own puke after a 3 day bender".

But it's kind of true. In a weird way.

I had an epiphany the other day. During my quiet introspective that I went through this week, I reached out to a friend. She gave me enough pause and enough to think about that I came to the following conclusion.

My best friend has grown a lot - tremendously in fact, despite his unwillingness to want to. Things he does for me, he didn't do for others in his past. Things he talks about with me were topics that were not approachable in his past.

He noticed my introspective and didn't try to intrude, but did try to being me out of it. While it was entirely about him, I wasn't angry or upset and he did nothing specific to cause me to be this way.

I received a call from a good friend today. She advised me that her husband had done some research on the cancer and treatment and wanted to let me know that even in an advanced state, it carries a 90% success rate after treatment. He didn't want me to worry about losing him. I was touched. That was so incredibly sweet of her husband to think of ME that way. He didn't want me to worry and he didn't want to keep upsetting me or my best friend by asking the same questions.

Not that I mind - I don't.

He sent out his notification for his upcoming gigs - it's light month for obvious reasons. But at the bottom of the note - to everyone in the world who knows him - he wrote the following statement:

"A special thank you goes to JoAnn, Denise, Lynne, Sandy and Kat and of course My Contessa for their love and support."

Now I saw it. but I didn't react right away. I went out taught a lesson and reflected on it. He's not prone to statements like this one. Certainly not public ones. So I didn't react right away.

When I returned home, he asked me if I had checke my email. I said I hadn't and sat down to look at it whilest he hovered over me like a kid on Christmas morning. I opened and read it. Right in front of him. I didn't know what to say. But when blinked back my tears and looked at him I said "Thank you Sweetie". It wasn't necessary but I am not telling him that. This was big for him.

I know he's grateful. He thanks me all the time. He's grown so much since this illness. I don't want to jinx it but I think out of this horrible disease may actually come some good.

Growth is hard. I am growing too here. and not the 5lbs I've gaine in the past week either. I learn things about him every day. I learn how he reacts each day and what triggers him and how he copes with tragedy every day. I learn things about myself too, like when I became introspective - I didn't try to pretend I wasn't. Normally I would. Ask anyone who's lived with me - they will all tell you...

Every cloud has a silver lining. I may have just found one....

The halfway mark

I think Rosie Perez said it best in White Men can't jump....

Sometime you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes, it's a tie.

Every day brings new knowledge to this relationship and it's willing and sometimes unwilling participants.

Surprisingly - or not - depending on how you look at it... I have been the unwilling one in the last few days. Not that I am leaving, or anything like that - it's nothing that bad - it's more like I am less willing than willing but not unwilling...

OK this took a weird turn.

But I know you KNOW what I mean.

I came home last night after a few days of being less willing to discover that he wasn't home. It didn't register right away that I didn't see his car.... I actually walked back down the drive and looked again. I scratched my head and thought

"Well OK but I wouldn't be out socializing with no teeth - but thats just me and my vanity I guess"

The fact is he kind of looks and sounds like the bumble from Rudolph. I don't mind - it doesn't make him less attractive by any means. But his speech - not surprisingly again - is affected. MOst people don't realize that teeth and palette and lips and everything going on in the mouth area affects your speech.

He called to tell me that he went out east to check out the location for late month private party he is working. He sounded good. He needed to be out and about a bit. He told me has planning to swing by his buddy's Open Mic on the way home and just cover some business as they do some gig's together. He planned to be home around 11 -12.

I decided to take advantage of the time by talking with a mutual friend who has the benefit of a lot more years both on this earth and knowing him. It turned out to be a smart move. A lot of misconceptions on both of us were set to rest. Some hurt feelings were reconciled. Talking with her eased my mind considerably.

He walked in around 2. I was dosing in bed. He started cooking - don't ask - this happens every time he comes home from that open mic - he makes breakfast for himself. I heard him swear in the middle of all of this and stumbled into the kitchen. He apologized for waking me, then told me about his night. His buddy send regards - remembers me fondly from the ALS benefit 2 years ago ( I know he was ther but that day was seriously a blur!)... told me about the place where the party is, he finally located his webdesigner - that sort of thing. I leaned my head against the doorway and knocked it harder than planned. He looked at me and turned me around and put me back to bed saying

"I'm going to eat my eggs and then come to bed. If your still awake and want to - we can watch a movie?"

I smiled as I laid in bed. I know this sounds really goofy, but he's been sleeping on the couch recovering so much lately that I have missed him. He's not taking the Vicadin anymore. He's sleeping more soundly. He needed the rest and though I offered the bed, he was happier on the couch so he could channel surf without waking me.

Shortly after he came to bed and we searched movies in our on demand channels. Being the insane movie people that we are, I subscribe to everything thats subscribable. We found Catch and release and since neither of us saw it all the way through, this was a good choice. We were both really enchanted by it. What a charming movie and a wonderful sound track. Which reminds me - I need to buy that! I think I will check on Itunes today.

As the movie ended and I drifted off to sleep, I was relieved to feel like my old self again,re-connected to the man I love. Lord that sounds nerdy. But it's true. I also have to say that when he was talking about me to someone else tonight, he was re-connecting with me even though I wasn't there. It made him want to come home and nurture the relationship a little bit even subconsciouly.

I am sleep deprived today. But in the best way possible.

Am I being unreasonable?

I know things have changed in my life really really - well really fast in the past 2 months and change.


The fact is Since 1/17 my life has been really different. So much happened so quickly that I know that we both are just reacting as it comes.


Some interesting realizations have crept up on me. Things like, he is exactly the same now as he was in his 20's in many areas.


I now truly understand much of what makes up his insecurities. And his relief from them only feeds and fuels mine further.

I awoke this morning feeling tired, frustrated and generally out of sorts. I wish it could be work, but that's no longer the stresser that it once was. OH it still has its moments but in general, not so bad anymore.

I am frustrated because I feel unappreciated. Oh he thanks me for helping, but I feel like he's just that much more appreciative of the MILLIONS who call to offer well wishes in response to his dramatic emails and text messages. However they aren't the ones doing the hard work. I am. So am I unreasonable about this?

Meanwhile - I feel like an ass for even ALLOWING that to cross my mind - why??? because this is his coping mechanism and I should not be resentful of that. And in truth its not the resentment to it that bothers me.... its that this takes precedence over all the crap I do here.

I have a wise friend in the south. Jules and I spoke today. She mentioned an interesting concept here. She believes that he has to handle these other people that way because he doesn't believe that he will get the support from them without working for it. So he treats them better because he knows I won't leave him.

It's the perversity of human nature. Meanwhile I have become somewhat quiet and withdrawn and he has noticed and doesn't know what to do. I can't rally right now though I am trying to. It just frustrates me. And I know I am being unreasonable... but I am missing a lot of the things that we used to do together. The uncompromised time we spent together- without his phone pinging constantly with calls and texts.

Things are off for us right now. Really really off. I understand that. I understand why. I know he's in pain.... I know he's not capable of eating regular food right now. I get it. He's not happy, he's more depressed. I really understand. I just need some understanding too. I don't want to be just a "room mate" and that's what it feels like right now.

What I want most is for him to be well again. I want him to be healthy and well and hopefully wise - r....

It can't happen soon enough - every day that this goes on I worry that the cancer spreads further.