The little things

I realized, while riding in the car this afternoon, that this was really labor day weekend.

For Jon, this means nothing this year.

For me, it just means a day off work.

Overall, what I realized was literally how fast the summer passed us by. Not that we weren't busy, or paying attention. It just passed us by.


We were on our way to the movies. It's a big day for us. I commented that we hadn't been to a movie in the theater - together - in almost 4 years. And I can tell you what it was and where we saw it. He laughed and proceeded to tell me what it was and where we saw it.


It tends to be the little things that count though.


The psychic mentioned that we would be making a large ticket expenditure together. I laughed because these days it seems that everything is.


But Friday we started looking at furniture together. Not dinky cheap stuff either. But we had to come to terms on a look. He likes modern and I like more of a "Bombay company" look. So we settled on Crate and Barrel.


I started a list of the items that we want to get. He was really into it. I was surprised.


The discovery that he feels unattractive and insecure was a real wakeup for me. Of course when I commented on it, I was told that my opinion is suspect as I was already in love with him. THat made us both laugh. True - but still funny.


When you are in the public eye as he is, with adoring fans falling at your feet, you don't need to go looking for adulation from outside sources. And with him, knowing that he is beloved makes it easier for him to be happy wiht himself and with me.


But he hasn't been. happy that is, and I blamed myself for awhile and still do in moments of weakness. We are starting to get out more and take care of socializing and the like. I am trying to be patient and gently nudge him along making him think it's his idea. But I am hitting my own insecure rough patches.


I walked 90 mins on the boardwalk the other night. I am also doing my pushups and situps at night. I am doing a Sea Spa Detox that was rough for the first 3 days but seems to be better today which is day 4. I have lost 4 lbs and my skin and hair look amazing.


Of course today my hair dryer burner out too... figures. Gotta buy a new one.


We have been drinking a glass of wine each night and he has a doctor appt wiht the renal doctore and then radiation to determine when he will have his surgery. The Tumor on the one side appears larger at this time - It was tender to the touch and hot since he had the PET scan.


I am back to prayer at night. Largely for him, and me. And us. But I also include the respective family and friends and things of the like. I did become an Aunt for the 8th time and will become an aunt for 9th in October.


I am afraid to be optimistic. But I can't afford not to be. I miss the old us.


He started talking to me about things in his marriage. Traditions and behaviours that worked that he would like to continue and things that didn't. Slowly slowly slowly.

I don't do slow.

But I'm trying.

Love has to fall somewhere short of suicide

I can't take credit for this quote but I like it. It speaks to me of love being a choice as suicide is. It's sarcastic of course which is totally me as well. Not that I am in any contemplating suicide now or ever - It's the extreme that speaks to me.

The fact is, When times are tough - you have to make an effort, no, a conscious choice at times to love one another. Some days that's easy and some days it's not.

It occurs to me that this psychic that I saw was not only dead on in what she told me then but how forward seeing it really was.

In the past few days we have had a tug o war going on.

The psychic said that the only way we move off our plateaus is to nudge each other along albeit under the guise of humor, and this one that we are on now will be no different. And I have a knack for making him think it's his idea.

And that is all true. And each time I get down about this stuff I look back on these words and realize that it's true.

Unfortunately we have a wrinkle. I feel very specifically unattractive. In the past 24 hours I have spent an enormous amount of money ( nearly 1000 dollars) to look and feel better about myself. And it isn't WORKING.

To be fair - this expenditure is a longterm solution so I am not balking at the cost right now. Normally I would be panicking in ways and means I cannot describe but these are solutions that will last for at least a year if not more. So it turns out to be less than 100 bucks a month which is reasonable to me.


These are things that will help my eczema, my weight loss, my overall health, I did have my hair done, a mani and pedi, waxing - you know girl stuff. Eyelash tint and curl - the whole nine.


And yet, when I got home I felt as fat and undesirable as ever.


So I looked at things that I need and I will be going to the beach and walking 4.5 miles 3 times a week. It makes me feel better and I like it there. Time permitting I will sit and meditate on the benches there too. If I time it right, I can do this from 7-8:30 MW and Thurs. Then home and dinner.

It's all I can do right now. I will add my core work in the evenings as well. We'll see after that.

The other thing is music. I know I keep saying it, but music brings us both back to the center. The center of what makes us well... us.

We watched Across the Universe tonight. It was amazing. Wonderful and poignant. He took out his guitar and we played and sang. We decided that he would do the vocal warmups I gave him and sing a couple of tunes per day. Even the callouses on his fingers have worn down so much it was a little bit painful to play. But we did and sang Beatles tunes. For 3 hours. It was wonderful.

He's interested in music again. That's something to thank God for.

Tomorrow he will be radioactive for a number of hours. He will be having a pet scan to determine his surgical options in a few weeks. This may well be the final phase we are moving into for remission.

Things can only go up from here.

So Close

You’re in my arms

And all the world is calm

The music playing on for only two

So close together

And when I’m with you

So close to feeling alive

A life goes by Romantic dreams will stop

So I bid mine goodbye and never knew

So close was waiting, waiting here with you

And now forever I know

All that I wanted to hold you

So close

So close to reaching that famous happy end

Almost believing this was not pretend

And now you’re beside me and look how far we’ve come

So far we are so close

How could I face the faceless days

If I should lose you now?

We’re so close

To reaching that famous happy end

And almost believing this was not pretend

Let’s go on dreaming for we know we are

So close So close

And still so far

I have spent a lot of time lately mentioning this song. It's virtually the only thing I listen to these days too. I know that sounds obsessive and it's not. If you know me even a little - you know that when a piece of music touches me that much I can't get enough of it into my soul fast enough so I do what I can to bring it in with large doses until I can pour it back it out.

I can't begin to tell you how I keep thinking back to Sunday on the beach by myself. It's the memory attached to this song. My Sitting on the boardwalk, watching people, seagulls, volleyball, ocean, waves, sky, kites - all of it, It was so wonderful and so filling up the emptiness that I was starting to feel. And I Don't know why the emptiness and I Don't know why that solved it.

The Psychic echoed everything that was renewed in my soul the next day. I was scared and nervous because I honestly didn't know what she would say. But she said things I needed to know and things I needed to hear. All of them good.

The thing is - I DO believe in fairy tales. Anyone who reads this who knew me as a child KNOWS I WAS THE FREAKING PRINCESS. I had the crown. I had the dresses and the shoes. I HATED to get dirty.

Evey birthday party that I had, I had some kind of birthday crown. Seriously. Ask my mom. I had the dresses- never pink though. Still am not crazy about it.

I believed in the prince, the magical wedding and happily ever after. Hell I GOT up at 4AM to watch Prince Charles marry Diana. My step mom and I both did. And I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON. Not then, not now, not ever.

That's not all - sometimr in my early 20's my parents and my sister and I went to Europe. On our 4th day there - we got on a train and went from Amsterdam to Brussels and somehow managed to get into the Coronation procession of the prince being upgraded King.

HOwever, somewhere between my early 20's and now - fairy tales died, happily ever after got lost somewhere in the other county and princes and princesses? Seriously? come on.

Here's the part of the story that you may or may not know.

10 years ago, Jon and I broke off things - seemingly permanent. I went to the bar where he worked and basically handed him a letter that said "get your head out of your ass - you know we are meant to be together and that we are perfect together. I knew it when you arrived at the wedding a YEAR before and I knew you were divorced without anyone telling me"

I look back on that and realize that as much as I say I don't believe in soul mates, he's it. I can tell you that till the cows come home ( and that would be a neat trick since we don't have any cows and live in a high rise),but the bottom line is as bad as things have been and things can be, We are soul mates.

So I guess I do believe in them after all.

Happily ever after? We'll see about that.

My reading

I had my third psychic reading ever on MOnday night.

My first one was done by a hack. It was 40 dollars and an hour I have yet to get back. and sorely miss.

The second one I went to was ironically free and 15 minutes long. Evidently there is a line up on the "other side" or the "heavenly layer" looking for me back then. I recieved messages from Mark, Tim and my dad in that order. I gave this woman NOTHING to work with - not one thing - and she recieved this info.

So I was trepidacious as I walked into Starbucks. I bought my coffee, turned around and saw her. I knew it was her and she knew it was me.

I sat down and we talked a bit. Largely about who she is, what she does and how it works. She knew I was a teacher but that was it.

She did some opening prayers which were nice actually. She then talked about validations and how we do that.

So she tunes into me, and asks me if I am having trouble with my hips. I was a little surprised, because the night before I was unable to sleep due Sciatic pain. I didn't tell anyone but Jon.

Then she commented about my stomach - yes it's in knots and I hold my emotional stress there but that's recent. I used to hold it between my shoulders.

So we moved on. My dad kept telling her funny stories that were accurate. She finally stopped to verify that I knew who it was. I told her it was my dad and if he's not going to participate respectfully he can go away - she laughed. Then I told her "You know what - I'll do it" .

Then she told me she had an itchy scalp. That genereally happens when psychics "find each" other in a room. Oh and how long did I have the gift?

I tell her I am looking for insight into my romantic life and career.

So she starts by asking me if there is a Sagittarian in my life. I tell her yes, then she has me shuffle cards and lays out the spread.

She had done some work with Chakra's earlier during the validation. She mentioned Yellow.

She turns up the first card. A Queen in yellow. Too funny.

I won't ID the cards or go through the entire reading but I will sum it up like this:

Jon and I are soul mates. And yes the heavens and stars all know neither of us buy into that, but there it is. This is long term and we are in it for the long haul.

We are at a plateau - the way we move past each plateau in our past, was to nudge each other along in a laughing joking kind of way. We will get past this one too.

We didn't have much in the way of courtship but that will change for the better.

I am evolving in a stronger and more nurtured and nurturing way.

I am in a growth cycle ( mid life crisis is the less nice term applied)

She knew the money was largely mine. THe house etc.

Career wise - I hate my job. I know what she's going to say already. My job has the potential for a better change down the line in April of 2009.

I walked away for the first time in a long time feeling so amazingly good and happy about things. Largely because she was able to validate how I actually felt and was able to tell me what I knew in my heart was right. That despite the strife and struggle that we are going through there is something amazing on the other side.

We are so close, to that happy end.

I see dead people. ( just kidding - come one you had to see that one coming.)

Go to a place that will renew your soul

Today was an unusual day. I started out sleeping in a little as I have not been sleeping well the last few nights due to the issues with my eyes.

Once Up however, I made some coffee and had some breakfast while Jon did the crossword puzzle ( NYTimes - is there any other?). We chatted idly. Calm, relaxed, lovely.

His phone rang and his best buddy called. They were going to meet on the mile at his usual haunt. Now I want to go on record here. Part of our problem right now is that he has not been able to have a real social life since April. That means that he has not met a lot of my friends and vice versa. We all know about each other and in some cases have spoken on the phone, but never met. This one I met, once, a year or two ago for 10 seconds or less.

As I was leaving to go teach, he asked me if I wanted to meet the two of them down there. I was surprised and happy at this turn because it means he is feeling better. We agree that I will call him on his cell when I am heading back to town.

I teach my lesson and head back to town. I call him at 2 and tell him I am getting ready to come down there. I was less than pleased to hear, "Don't. I'm probably coming home soon and my buddy hasn't called me so they probably aren't coming". I hang up and go home. I'm not happy.

Because I do not believe him. I think he needs space and doesn't want me there, but doesn't know how to say it so I won't be mad. And this plan is working SO MUCH BETTER!!!!!! Because I changed my plans to do this. And he damn well knew it.

I start doing some housekeeping. It was after I had changed the cat litter and cleaned out the air purifier that it occurred to me that it was a stunning day here and why should I be in the house cleaning it when he is not worried about he condition of our home and out having himself a party. I literally left the vacuum where it was, picked up a book, a bottle of water, my journals and ipod and hopped in the car and drove to Long beach.

Where I sat on the boardwalk looking at the ocean. I scribbled in my journal - nonsense mostly. Then I read my book. And listened to my Ipod. And sat there, staring at the ocean, sailboats, freighters in the distance.

I spent a couple of hours there. A friend advised me on my trip to Long Beach not to dwell on the situation that caused me to go because that won't make it easier to address. So I didn't.

A song came on my Ipod from Enchanted. It's the academy nominated ( don't recall if it won ) "So Close". What a lovely song. But it made me think a bit. I listened to it a lot actually.

The words are not entirely pertinent but there is a wonderful phrase in the bridge,

"Oh how could I face the faceless days if I should lose you now? We're so close to reaching that famous happy end"

It made me think. Girls think about this stuff a lot. A lot a lot. From childhood, we are read fairy tales about the princess and some evil person and prince charming who rescues her. We watch films like Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid, Snow White - all of them. Heck even the three feminine archetypes qualify here.

Happily ever after is NOT a phrase we do a lot with. We don't all know what it is, but as little girls we dream about it, and chase after it. Successful or not, cognizant or not, we go after the fated "Happily ever after" and only when it's UNSUCCESSFUL do we realize that we don't have it. When we do have it, only the fortunate recognize it.

My mom always says that while she loved my dad, she is currently married to and lucky enough to have had a second chance to have found her prince Charming. I envy her that.

For while I know that there are lots of challenges in their lives as people and as a couple, they have overcome some SERIOUSLY major obstacles to get where they are.

I suspect that what is happening to Jon and I is not necessarily bad, just us trying to find our footing as he recovers.

Here's why.

I was driving home from the beach, noticing that 3 hours had elapsed since I walked out of the house and hadn't heard a word from him. I was plugging my phone into the charger and noticed I had a voice mail. Phone hadn't rung, but reception is not so great on the parkway down there. I listen to it and it's him wondering where I am.

So I called him back and he tells me this big long story about how he was down there and his buddy showed up until his mom called and he needed to run errands for her into his brother's in Queen's blah blah. I was not terribly responsive at this point - handing out monosyllabic answers because I don't want to have this conversation on the phone. When he asks me where I was. I told him and he was quiet for a minute and then said,

"I wish I could have been there with you. "

One sentence. Stupid. But it made me cry. I am such a silly woman sometimes.

I hurry myself off the phone truly hoping he doesn't realize what that did - again only because I don't want to do it on the phone. In beach traffic.

When I got home, he says:

"Next weekend I want to try this again. You and my buddy and I will go to EB's. OK? "

"My movie buddy and I are going to see _____ movie on Friday - I want you to come- can you put it on the calendar?"

"Can the two of us go sit on the boardwalk together this week?"

I didn't know how to react. He's not any better at this than I am and he's got 12 years on me. I guess the thing I keep complaining about is communication, and I'm not doing it any more or any better than he is. In that regard I haven't figured out how to since he got sick. I used to know how to before that. I also realized that he knows - without being told - just how hard my life is right now. How many things are wrong and how just generally sad I feel. He can't do much, but he's trying to make things easier in smaller ways.

I did tell him not to say things that he has no intention of following through with just to make me happy for a moment. He was a little bit hurt that I thought that, but replied that he wasn't doing that. He was trying to merge our lives and today just didn't work out right. For either of us.

I got a much needed retreat to the beach though. It felt good in many ways to claim that bench and relax there in the sun and take in the sites ( some hot volleyball players were right in front of me!). IN many ways I perfer Long Beach to Jones Beach. It's got the nice boardwalk, parking is free and it's a little bit more "resort-ish". I felt like I was on vacation for 3 hours.

Boats, water,ocean, beaches. These are things I need to keep my soul soothed. I now realize that I am truly an east coast girl and don't take me more than 10-15 minutes away from my beach and ocean. I may not go often - but opening my windows and being able to smell the salt in the air means the world of difference to me. I love the ocean waves crashing, the sites, the sounds, the smells. If I could afford it, I would have a beach house. And be rest assured, when I win the lottery it will be done.

The fact is that the other night when I covered the boat cruise, I realized just how important a role this had in my life and how powerful it was. I stood on the bow of that boat, moving with the motion of the boat and the water, and I was momentarily at peace. Everything that bothers and troubles me was literally gone. I saw the sun set over the horizon and was absolutely awed by the site. I was thrilled to be under the draw bridge as it opened rather than on top waiting to be released to the other side.

So it was no great surprise that going there today was the right thing that my soul needed to renew. It was better than anything else that I could have done at that moment.

As for Jon, I recognize effort when I see it. This may not be happily ever after right now.... but there is so much potential that I think we can get there.

We're close. So close.

THe mid-life crisis part II

Sit back and get comfy, Because I seriously do not know how long this is going to take.

Honestly, this period of growth is more painful than the stagnated existence I was in.

But, I am trying to get in the spirit of the thing.

I signed up with Arbonne and am using the products and my face has never looked better.

I am paying ( still) dearly for a phone call I made last weekend to a friend in the midwest that upset me so terribly that I inflicted some major damage on myself afterward. So, needless to say, I am putting some of that behind me and trying to put myself outside the situation and look in.

Jon has realized that I am burning out at work and he's trying to take some pressure off me. He is now able to cover the food shopping in the house, so while I am physically doing the shopping, we're using his money for it. It's been a load off me in a lot of ways.

He also researched the Rec center we have here in town ( a GORGEOUS facility. I was amongst the first day campers there when it opened in the early 70's and my dad was teaching summer school ) and determined that we should both join as they have a full out gym, several pools, ice skating rink and 12 dollar Yoga classes. The annual membership is minimal.

We are both becoming members of the county museum here as well. Something we both like and enjoy. Likewise a work friend is a season ticket holder ( possibly THE BEST seats EVER) at lincoln center for the NY philharmonic and has generously offered the nights he cannot go to us.

Most everyone who knows me will say that I am doing a lot for someone else and not doing as much for myself in the past few months. And while I agree with that in some respects, my mind is all about me and the things I am not getting and not having done for me. Being me, I am not verbalizing those things. Largely so as not to aggravate the cancer ( my old joke - don't make it mad!) But those things turn into resentments and get compared to reality a lot and thus I get very hurt and eventually over time - I get angry.

I used to be better at this. Before the illness - I would just lob it back at him and have it out. I feel sort of powerless and protective that I should not get angry at him.

The reality is, he has cancer. He does not or did not have a lobotomy. He will make me insane, he will drive me mad and make me angry and I will do the same. He makes sure he verbalizes it to me, but I am scared. I am more afraid that the cancer will get worse and he will die. I would rather have here and alive and me be pissed at him, then him dead.

Of course, I was talking about leaving him until Monday night. I am quite sure that is not going to happen unless it is his choice and it's not.

We are talking about some more major investments together. I am writing my will and he will be doing his, though he has no material assets beyond the music gear ( do NOT kid yourself - its' worth more than my new car! ).

My GOSH - relationships are freaking TOUGH!. I work harder at this than I do at my actual job. Which I hate. my job that is.... lol

I have started journaling again to help me re-discover the new path that I am on. I am using a Goddess journal that I was given to help me on the journey. It's not easy but I feel better already.

Oh - I should add that he made me go to the doctor yesterday because my eye was not improving from what appeared to be an allergy related issue. I was unable to wear contacts, but it wasn't red or swollem - just uncomfortable. I have a condition called a deteriorating epithelial. It's not a big deal and nothing that isn't treatable, but the eye doctor is now convinced that my torn cornea's are part and parcel of this condition which is genetic. There is no pain from this just the umcomfortable feeling that something is in the eye.

The big joke for us both was that the solution is a sodium/saline ointment. So I have to put this in my eyes and he has to consume it. What a freaking pair. Also I can't see, he can't hear. Lovely.

He was so relieved and he researched it and discovered that it was truly not serious and the fix is really that simple. So he and the docs agree. Good.

Jon is making efforts that include me and what I want now too. This is a big change from a man who puts himself and his needs ahead of everyone in the world. He asked me to pick up dinner one night from the teh take-out place that I like - he does not. But he found some things on the menu that he can deal with and placed the order and had me pick it up on the way home. I was surprised.

He is a little vain - but then so am I and his vanity has been compromised with the disease. He doesn't feel attractive. It always surprises me. Because he's always attractive to me. So I finally told him that the other night. He should dodge a camera - he is a good looking man regardless of the cancer. But the reality is, he weighs less than I do now and he's 6'1. His hair is starting to thin and fall out from the chemo and he has no teeth. He does not feel strong, he tires easily and is generally in bed by 10. All strange and all odd for him. When I pieced together some things - I understand more. It doesn't make me like the situation more, but understanding really helps.

He researches the internet for news every day. He loves politics and is constantly reading the presidential race news to me. We watch baseball together and cheer the mets on. My dad would be so thrilled!

Anyway - stay tuned. Things are getting better.

Special thanks to Mrs. Jax and my Hil-Bil.

a mid-life crisis does NOT mean corvette's and hot chicks

At least not for most women.

For all people, A mid life crisis is simply an urban term assigned an evolution of your life. Moving into the next phase.

I have discovered that when I moved AWAY from the things that once defined me, I felt lost. Very lost.

I still feel lost and that's largely because I did not replace those things with more evolved things.

Cryptic - maybe. But wait.

When Jon had his "midlife crisis" he was and still is to a large extent battling fading youth. On the one hand - he wants his back badly, on the other he wants to slow down and stop working so hard to impress today's youth with how "hip" he is.

It's made life hard for both of us because I was the one who had my shit together and he did not.

My midlife crisis looks like this:

• My relationship with God, while fine and I pray daily, has had me away from my church for a few months - though I did manage to get to two OTHER churchs. I miss it but I have very conflicted feelings about going back. Until they are identified and negotatiated I can't attend my own church. It's nothing personal - it's me and a professional obligation.
• my relationship with Jon is still uneven - though much better and improved. It's just not as settled and stable as I would like.
• My house is a mess. Literally. More so than even I can deal with.
• My relationship with myself is a problem. I am overly critical of myself. I am not taking any more care of myself than I absolutely have to.

This is the short list.

So in last month I decided to identify one thing on this list that I Can tackle.

Of course being the perverse psycho that I am I picked the hardest one - me.

Jon and I are walking in the morning. We are going to do 3 days a week together. I also plan to watch my diet FURTHER - I already do pay attention to it. I have a dear friend in Arizona who is going to be my diet / fitness buddy and I am really excited about it.

Jon and I talked about getting back into yoga. I can't wait! My wonderful friend and Massage Therapist ( Nessa) got me thinking. Yoga is so great. I miss it. Yoga, meditation.

She got me to change my skin care to something that's not onyl better FOR it, but works amazing results in a week. In researching the company, I realized that for the first time, I was excited about integrating these products into my life.

I am considering acupuncture to help deal with the eczema/allergy/asthma issues.

I'm not UNHAPPY - I just know that there are things that I need to change as I evolve into the better version of me. I know I"m in there somewhere.

Just trying to hold it together

Jon is fond of saying that he is not your average man, meaning:

1. he does change the toilet paper when the roll is finished.
2. He refills ice cube trays when they are empty
3. He does put the dinner dishes in the sink AND rinses them off.
4. He does call when he is going to be late and he does recall key dates MOST of the time.
5. HE does cook.
6. He knows the fundamental use of the toilet and does leave the seat in the position that he found it - though because the gender balance is 50/50 I don't complain if it's not where I like it.

So of course it stands to reason that some of his downfalls might well be:

1. clothing on the floor, the couch, the chair etc ( I generally can't complain here and don't because I am not a lot better about that - I just relegate to the bedroom so that I can close the door)
2. I have the tendancy of being confused with the role of "mom"
3. He does hog the remote
4. He is unable to find things in the house without screaming and swearing.

There are more... but moving on....

Tuesday morning, I am woken up VERY early by him walking into the bedroom, and yelling "HEY WHERE DID I PUT THE STACK OF MEDICAL BILLS"

Yelling.

While I am in a deep sleep.

Now anyone who knows me, knows you can lose a body part for that.

I can't even think of my own name let alone where a stack of bills I have never had my hands on ever would have been placed.

So I respond "I don't know - you had them last".

THis response was met with some very creative swearing and yelling and finally the door slamming.

I - went back to sleep.

So the email that I received this morning had me HOWLING with laughter. I mean literally howling.

CLASSES FOR MEN AT OUR LOCAL LEARNING CENTER FOR ADULTS SIGN UP BYEND OF MONTHNOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL OF THEIR CONTENTS,EACH COURSE WILL ACCEPT A MAXIMUM OF 8 PARTICIPANTS EACH.

• Topic 1: How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. -- Step by Step, withSlide Presentation.
• Topic 2: The Toilet Paper Roll. Does it Change Itself? -- RoundTable Discussion.
• Topic 3: Is It Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Liftingthe Seat and Avoiding the Floor/Walls/Nearby Bathtub? -- Group Practice.
• Topic 4: Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and theFloor. -- Pictures/Explanatory Graphics.Topic
• 5: After Dinner Dishes. Can They Levitate and Fly Into theKitchen Sink? -- Examples on Video
• Topic 6: Loss of Identity - Losing the Remote to Your SignificantOther. -- Help Line Support and Support Groups
• Topic 7: Learning How to Find Things - Starting with Looking in theRight Places Instead of Turning the House Upside Down Whilescreaming. -- Open Forum.
• Topic 8: Health Watch - Bringing her Flowers is Not Harmful to YourHealth. -- Graphics and Audio Tapes.
• Topic 9: Real Men ask for Directions When Lost. -- Real LifeTestimonials.
• Topic 10: Is it Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly While sheParallel Parks? -- Driving Simulations
• Topic 11: Learning to Live - Basic Differences Between Mother andWife. Online Classes and Role-Playing.
• Topic 12: How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. -- RelaxationExercises, Meditation and Breathing Techniques.
• Topic 13: How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy - Remembering Birthdays,Anniversaries and Other Important Dates and Calling When You'reGoing to be Late. -- Cerebral Shock Therapy Sessions and FullLobotomies Offered.
• Topic 14: The Stove/Oven - What it is and How it is Used. -- Livedemonstration.** Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued to thesurvivors.**

So you can imagine the hilarity at topic 7. Even he had to laugh at that!

Men - who can figure you guys out?
Women - who can figure us out?

We're all nuts.

Don't Borrow Trouble

While Jon was in the hospital, he picked a fight with me.

The funny part is, he didn't view it as a fight, but a discussion. I viewed it as a fight.

Of course, today - I'm replaying it in my mind. I still see this as a fight and I wish I had reacted differently.

My reactions at the time, were to resolve the situation as quickly as possible with as little emotional strife at the end. Translate that to a draw.

Everyone has always heard the line "Don't go to bed mad" or "Always say I love you because you may not get another chance" and the like.

This is what happened.

We had the fight. It was not good. I ended it quickyl because I had to leave to go teach. I wasn't gone 30 minutes in total, when he called and advised me that he was being moved to the 12th floor. I had no idea what that meant, but I was about to find out.

I got back to the hospital an hour earlier than planned - got off the elevator on the twelfth floor and was faced with two large locked doors. Buzzer entrance only. I don't know what to make of this, so I get buzzed in. I am now in the vast never never land between two more sets of locked doors. and no way in or out. Magically someone appears and lets me in through the next set of doors. Very Get Smart-ish. I am asked to sign a book in an activity room with my name, relationship and have I been advised of the rules.

Rules????

So I put my name down. Under relationship I answer "yes" ( still the wise ass!) and for rules I put no.

I am asked to sit and wait.

I wait and wait and wait.

My own personal hell by the way is to be stuck in waiting room with psych patients and one TV playing the Simpsons....

He finally comes in, manic, and tells me it's not as bad as he expcted, not to worry, take his phone and medicaid card and please come back tomorrow. Don't cry don't worry.

WHO THE HELL IS HE KIDDING???

So now you know the circumstances.

So as we move further and further away from this whole situation, the terms of the fight are coming back to me. I am not wild about it, but if it comes up again, I know how I will fight back this time. I won't end it, just to keep peace because then it festers inside me, and him.

Most of our fights tend to generate from his speaking in "sound bites" or "AOL Keywords". That leaves a lot open to interpretation. That and his need to be right all the time. It doesn't help that I do too... need to be right....

We make it work and we actually had one of those "discussions" last night AND again today that ended with him contrite and me laughing at the stupidity.

Growing up is hard to do....

Revelations

I have had a number of interesting revelations recently.



Revelation number 1: I've been hacked.



OK - chances are if you are reading this, you already know that. I don't exactly want or NEED to go into the details, but suffice it to say that someone, well, inappropriate, got their hands on my material and frankly, I wouldn't care in other circumstances, but I don't need added stress or pressure. So for the time being, the blog will remain on an invite only basis. I have invited all my normal readers, plus a couple who lurk now and again that I trust.

Lets leave it at that for now.

Revelation number 2: THe whore is not the problem

I have spent a lot of time blaming the whore for an untenable situation in my household. Now that I have met and seen her and spent time with her.... she has moved on from him. He's trying desparately to hold on. This, by the way, is not that uncommon with him. He's done it with every woman in his life to this very day. It has nothing to do with me. Logically and emotionally he's made a different choice and understands why it is the way it is. He just hasn't FULLY let go yet.

I will tell you that this brings a level of relief to me, actually. If it's only generated from him and not being returned, he'll move along appropriately. History shows me that. He has abondonment issues ( being addressed by his psych's now by the way) and this plays a major part in that.

Now that I am aware of it, I have relaxed a bit. Not all the way, mind you, but I have certainly relaxed a lot more with him. It shows in how we are relating now too. All good things.

Revelation Number 3: I have new skin care and it changed my life. And my skin. I am beyond thrilled with this company and their products and I haven't even bought them yet.... though that's coming soon... Swiss made botanical skin care. My face never looked this good. IN 2 and half days ( 5 uses) Jon noticed and my best friend noticed. Without prompting. I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the website. Try it, don't try it - but I am SOLD. Arbonne is the name. They make skin care, body care, spa treatments, supllements, weight loss, makeup, baby lines, teen lines, skin care for men, all very comprehensive. I will not lie and tell you it's drugstore quality or prices. But I will tell you a little goes a long way and it's worth every penny.

These are revelations in intelligence ( number 1), emotions ( number 2) and physical ( number 3). They have taken place over the past week.

I am proud of all of them.