Jon and I spent the day clearing space.
He cleared his brothers space - bringing home a lot of stuff for our home. I cleared our actual space - with the intent to clear out more than was being added.
For my part, I boiled the stove. This stove has probably never been THIS clean since it was new. Of course I exaggerate - but I managed to break the electric pilot light mechanism at the same time. Mercifully Jon was able to fix that - and we have no idea what was wrong,
I also took the time to actually clean up the bedroom. This room is crazy, for it seems to be the catchall for all our crap.
He came home wearing a Ramones shirt that his brother is on, and his brothers boots - suitably distressed. He looked so much like his brother I didn't know what to say.
We talked about clearing his space and my clearing of ours. It had been quite productive for both - for now we can attack - once and for all - the office/music room area. Once that is set up then we can start working properly.
The other thing that is neat about clearing space is about clearing the air. We are trying to clear the air about us and about his brother. He accused me of harboring and I said I wasn't - he just keeps interrupting me while I'm talking about it!!!! This, of course, made us both giggle a little - because it's true....
Clearing space is a very fulfilling activity. I highly recommend it.
Monday, January 26, 2009
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Cancer update and Editorial commentary
I want to be clear on something from yesterday's post. This is a general editorial on myself. Then back to our regularly scheduled program.
I am, now more than ever, of the belief that the specific balance and nature of a relationship and all that that entails is the business solely of the parties IN that relationship.
I say this because of my situation with this other person and the "license" she took and the lack of respect it shows.
I had a conversation with a friend today who in a strange twist of fate, ran into a similar framework - the specifics are different but the above belief still remains.
Here's what I mean - regardless of what goes on behind closed doors, there is a respect and dignity that is attached to each party and the relationship as a whole. If both parties don't strive to honor that, the relationship breaks down. That's what the communication structure and style is for.
I tend to run and hide. He tends to shout and walk out. We found a compromise. It took the better part of a year. These things sometimes happen right away and sometimes they take time.
I want to also address trust. Trust - as you know - is very hard for me. A lot of it is insecurity, which is solely my problem. IN order to make sure this wasn't a deal breaker in my relationship, I used baby steps and goals. Once one step or set of steps was met to attain a goal, I let go of that for awhile and let things rest. THen I worked on a bigger one. And so on and so on.
It's working for me.
So on that note I bring you back to our regularly scheduled post for today.
I am, now more than ever, of the belief that the specific balance and nature of a relationship and all that that entails is the business solely of the parties IN that relationship.
I say this because of my situation with this other person and the "license" she took and the lack of respect it shows.
I had a conversation with a friend today who in a strange twist of fate, ran into a similar framework - the specifics are different but the above belief still remains.
Here's what I mean - regardless of what goes on behind closed doors, there is a respect and dignity that is attached to each party and the relationship as a whole. If both parties don't strive to honor that, the relationship breaks down. That's what the communication structure and style is for.
I tend to run and hide. He tends to shout and walk out. We found a compromise. It took the better part of a year. These things sometimes happen right away and sometimes they take time.
I want to also address trust. Trust - as you know - is very hard for me. A lot of it is insecurity, which is solely my problem. IN order to make sure this wasn't a deal breaker in my relationship, I used baby steps and goals. Once one step or set of steps was met to attain a goal, I let go of that for awhile and let things rest. THen I worked on a bigger one. And so on and so on.
It's working for me.
So on that note I bring you back to our regularly scheduled post for today.
Cancer Update
I got him to go back to the doctor last week. We hadn't been since October. Out of sight out of mind played a small part, but the major reason was that he was out of clinic visits for Medicaid.
We need to have another PET scan. That will determine two things. One, the condition of the cancer at this point and Two, how to proceed from there.
I have learned during this illness that what the doctor says and what he tells me are not always an exact match but they are close.
So when he came home and said "no lumpectomy on the neck but the tonsils will have to come out by removing the jaw" I naturally panicked.
But I kept it all inside, and looked right at him and said,
"Did they actually say that or were they hedging and giving that as the worst case scenario?"
"They were hedging - it's a worst case scenario"
OK. I can work with that. Although it does mean removing his jaw completely and then doing reconstructive surgery with no guarantee that he will have a voice when he's done.
Of course neither of us is feeling to great about that. But. If that's what it takes to keep him alive then that's what it takes.
We shall jump off that bridge when we get to it.
Some bloodwork needs to be done still to determine the status of his kidneys. Other than that he's doing OK. I'm sliding the healthy lifestyle in a bit at time.
We will beat this thing yet.
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Some interesting changes
I'm back.
I won't say "better than ever". Not yet.
The Acupuncture is the most amazing experience I've had in my life. Acupuncturists have the same challenges as Western Medical Doctors in treatment and it makes for a very interesting experience.
I have now had 3 treatments. Ever untrusting and skeptical, I didn't think anything was happening.
Why?
Because my skin - while improving - is not improving the way I expected. Not speed, mind you, though that would be nice.... More along the lines of the fact that I am still using the topical steroids and 4-5 different moisture creams 6-8 times per day.
However, I noticed that while I still worry and still suffer bouts of depression - I now have a new term for it. I call it depression light. I noticed my OCD is less. I trust more.
And now I am communicating. Better than ever.
I don't know if that's the acupuncture OR if that is simply the learning curve of the relationship or both.
But we have now had 1 serious fight that was resolved very quickly and was by rights my favorite fight - and his - because of how we handled ourselves and the situation. It was quite funny coming out the the other side.
The second thing that happened was the night BEFORE my third appt, I came home in the snow and he had just walked in. We were having a conversation and I burst out that I was tired of doing the right thing by people only to be taken advantage of. I'm tired of being the perpetual grownup when I am normally the youngest in the crowd by 10 years. Just because I am nice does not mean I am stupid!
He walked in, looked at me, put his arms around me said "Who's doing this to you?"
I replied one name.
THe name of one his "fans". We'll call her Sandy. Which is her real name. She is roughly his age ( Overage groupies tend to behave this way incidentally - I'm just starting to get that), married, two grown children.
She trashes me to him every chance she gets. She doesn't even know me. I'm offended. I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. And while I don't need to be LIKED by everyone - I do deserve some levek of respect in accordance with the relationship.
I tell him this adding "Who the hell is she to judge me? What goes on between you and I is only our business."
He basically responded that he is taking responsibility for it because he took a fight out of the house to her back in Sept when he should not have. He never corrected the situation because frankly he forgot and didn't think that it was anything important. If he had known how tormented I was by it, he would have addressed it sooner.
To which I concurred, adding, "Well she must have a HELL of an understanding husband."
THe look on his face was priceless.
"Ummm - she's not married. Not for many years. " he gently replied
"Oh really? YOu didn't notice the wedding bands on her hand? THEY CAN BE SEEN IN SPACE!" I countered.
"Oh I asked her about that. She said she just liked them" even he's not buying that....
"Look. It doesn't matter whether she is or she's not - that's her business. THe fact of the matter is I KNOW she is because she and I have a mutual friend. She's lying to you to support whatever her hidden agenda is. I don't like it because it's disrespectful to both you and I"
"Wow. Well. She's definitely lied to me about it. And frankly after the lies I went through with the whore who I had an Actual relationship with, I don't need this from someone I am just friends with. She's off the mailing list and I am deleting her from the address book. I am also going to have a conversation at my next gig there at the end of the month and clarify things about you because that's just not right" He said.
"Do you feel better?" He asked.
"I do."
Since I doubt she will go quietly, I did pull a background check on her to give some additional leverage. I won't use it unless absolutely necessary, but I felt she would start covering her tracks and I WAS RIGHT.
Her myspace profile - overnight - went from displaying married to in a relationship - and you have to hunt for it.
THe thing that made this really important to me is that he understood that taking something out from behind closed doors was not cool. And he's going to rectify it. He also now realizes that people are not always what they seem. And lastly, that I do trust him to do the the right thing by me and us. And he is.
THe biggest thing for me was that I held onto this for way too long. He called me on it and was right to do so. I wasn't planning to address it then. It just came out. But I wasn't afraid. Even though, my gut said that this woman was trouble back in May. I told him then and he blew it off because we barely knew her. Now he see's that I was right.
It's very liberating. This whole communication thing. And we are closer than ever about it. His friends, my friends and OUR Friends all see it - the intimacy is built more and more each day.
These are good stepping stones. Really good.
I won't say "better than ever". Not yet.
The Acupuncture is the most amazing experience I've had in my life. Acupuncturists have the same challenges as Western Medical Doctors in treatment and it makes for a very interesting experience.
I have now had 3 treatments. Ever untrusting and skeptical, I didn't think anything was happening.
Why?
Because my skin - while improving - is not improving the way I expected. Not speed, mind you, though that would be nice.... More along the lines of the fact that I am still using the topical steroids and 4-5 different moisture creams 6-8 times per day.
However, I noticed that while I still worry and still suffer bouts of depression - I now have a new term for it. I call it depression light. I noticed my OCD is less. I trust more.
And now I am communicating. Better than ever.
I don't know if that's the acupuncture OR if that is simply the learning curve of the relationship or both.
But we have now had 1 serious fight that was resolved very quickly and was by rights my favorite fight - and his - because of how we handled ourselves and the situation. It was quite funny coming out the the other side.
The second thing that happened was the night BEFORE my third appt, I came home in the snow and he had just walked in. We were having a conversation and I burst out that I was tired of doing the right thing by people only to be taken advantage of. I'm tired of being the perpetual grownup when I am normally the youngest in the crowd by 10 years. Just because I am nice does not mean I am stupid!
He walked in, looked at me, put his arms around me said "Who's doing this to you?"
I replied one name.
THe name of one his "fans". We'll call her Sandy. Which is her real name. She is roughly his age ( Overage groupies tend to behave this way incidentally - I'm just starting to get that), married, two grown children.
She trashes me to him every chance she gets. She doesn't even know me. I'm offended. I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. And while I don't need to be LIKED by everyone - I do deserve some levek of respect in accordance with the relationship.
I tell him this adding "Who the hell is she to judge me? What goes on between you and I is only our business."
He basically responded that he is taking responsibility for it because he took a fight out of the house to her back in Sept when he should not have. He never corrected the situation because frankly he forgot and didn't think that it was anything important. If he had known how tormented I was by it, he would have addressed it sooner.
To which I concurred, adding, "Well she must have a HELL of an understanding husband."
THe look on his face was priceless.
"Ummm - she's not married. Not for many years. " he gently replied
"Oh really? YOu didn't notice the wedding bands on her hand? THEY CAN BE SEEN IN SPACE!" I countered.
"Oh I asked her about that. She said she just liked them" even he's not buying that....
"Look. It doesn't matter whether she is or she's not - that's her business. THe fact of the matter is I KNOW she is because she and I have a mutual friend. She's lying to you to support whatever her hidden agenda is. I don't like it because it's disrespectful to both you and I"
"Wow. Well. She's definitely lied to me about it. And frankly after the lies I went through with the whore who I had an Actual relationship with, I don't need this from someone I am just friends with. She's off the mailing list and I am deleting her from the address book. I am also going to have a conversation at my next gig there at the end of the month and clarify things about you because that's just not right" He said.
"Do you feel better?" He asked.
"I do."
Since I doubt she will go quietly, I did pull a background check on her to give some additional leverage. I won't use it unless absolutely necessary, but I felt she would start covering her tracks and I WAS RIGHT.
Her myspace profile - overnight - went from displaying married to in a relationship - and you have to hunt for it.
THe thing that made this really important to me is that he understood that taking something out from behind closed doors was not cool. And he's going to rectify it. He also now realizes that people are not always what they seem. And lastly, that I do trust him to do the the right thing by me and us. And he is.
THe biggest thing for me was that I held onto this for way too long. He called me on it and was right to do so. I wasn't planning to address it then. It just came out. But I wasn't afraid. Even though, my gut said that this woman was trouble back in May. I told him then and he blew it off because we barely knew her. Now he see's that I was right.
It's very liberating. This whole communication thing. And we are closer than ever about it. His friends, my friends and OUR Friends all see it - the intimacy is built more and more each day.
These are good stepping stones. Really good.
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Acupuncture - the final frontier
You the know the thing about being a caretaker is the tendancy to OVERLOOK your needs in lieu of someone else's is very easy.
I used to e pretty adept at juggling both. However, this holiday, while I did not suffer from the ever present slippery sliding slope to depression like last year and previous years, it manifested in my skin. So I was feeling happier and more control but looked gross. Last year I looked great but felt like crap.
Tough call.
I'm tired of being asked "What's wrong with your Face" or "Are you OK?" or "Your eyes look terrible" or my favorite "Did you wash your hands before you touched that?"
OK people - it's JUST eczema. I do NOT have leprosy I swear. I have seen countless doctors and they have seen me. I have tried everything that western medicine has to offer and it only provides temporary, if any, relief. I have changed my skin care and this could be so much worse except that the skin care is holding me pretty well.
So After my trusted friend and massage therapist did a treatment including a reiki session, she suggested acupuncture.
oh HELL no. I am NOT having needles plunged into my skin. and how the hell is THAT going to help my skin? Sticking holes in it??? Really??? doubtful.
BUt she proceeded to send me to website after website and I spoke to some of her friends who are acupuncturists and honestly - I decided to give it a whirl.
The irony is that the acupuncturist that she and I decided on is someone I actually know. The sister of an acquaintance ( used to be a close friend but it's been too long to go back to that).
So given all the stresses of late -both good AND bad - I need to tackle this from a different perspective.
I did some dietary research as well. We both need to lighten up on the dairy and start eating better veggies and fruits. This should help maintain me and help alleviate the gout he suffers from too.
So send me some good thoughts tomorrow - that's the first treatment!
I used to e pretty adept at juggling both. However, this holiday, while I did not suffer from the ever present slippery sliding slope to depression like last year and previous years, it manifested in my skin. So I was feeling happier and more control but looked gross. Last year I looked great but felt like crap.
Tough call.
I'm tired of being asked "What's wrong with your Face" or "Are you OK?" or "Your eyes look terrible" or my favorite "Did you wash your hands before you touched that?"
OK people - it's JUST eczema. I do NOT have leprosy I swear. I have seen countless doctors and they have seen me. I have tried everything that western medicine has to offer and it only provides temporary, if any, relief. I have changed my skin care and this could be so much worse except that the skin care is holding me pretty well.
So After my trusted friend and massage therapist did a treatment including a reiki session, she suggested acupuncture.
oh HELL no. I am NOT having needles plunged into my skin. and how the hell is THAT going to help my skin? Sticking holes in it??? Really??? doubtful.
BUt she proceeded to send me to website after website and I spoke to some of her friends who are acupuncturists and honestly - I decided to give it a whirl.
The irony is that the acupuncturist that she and I decided on is someone I actually know. The sister of an acquaintance ( used to be a close friend but it's been too long to go back to that).
So given all the stresses of late -both good AND bad - I need to tackle this from a different perspective.
I did some dietary research as well. We both need to lighten up on the dairy and start eating better veggies and fruits. This should help maintain me and help alleviate the gout he suffers from too.
So send me some good thoughts tomorrow - that's the first treatment!