Keeping your enemies close or just too trusting?

Yes I know I have been blog "dark" for a few weeks.

My busi-ness level tripled with the holidays and it's not over yet.

Let me backtrack - I managed to surprise Jon on the 20th for his first gig back with the band. He didn't expect the table full and given the snowy sub zero icy temps - I was amazed as many showed as they did. 

It was a fun and lovely evening.

Two days later I awake to the intense ringing of the phone and my talking caller id announcing Jon's name.

Weird becayse I had fallen asleep around 11AM in the bedroom because he was napping on the couch. So how is he calling me from the living room and more importantly why? The house isn't THAT big and he could get his butt up!

I was dreaming that his brother passed away.

Which is ironic because it was his sister on the phone ( hence the talking caller id thing - her's comes up last name first). I knew when the minute I picked up the phone that Alex was gone.

I walked the phone into him and he was awake and calling her on his cell. She started freaking out " Why does he have to do everything the hard way??? WHY CAN"T HE JUST TALK ON THIS PHONE???" I had to give her that one. it made no sense to me either.

Alex was gone. After 8 years with ALS. He went in the night in his sleep. He was done. He is now in Rock and Roll heaven.

THere was little we could do but make the calls to our friends and loved ones just to let them know.

The next few days were insane. and yet calm. It was surreal to be honest. I was still planning his fundraiser that he didn't know about. So that kept me busy because many of those people wanted to come to the funeral which made it nuts.

Finally the family closed the funeral off to immediate family and the health care professionals that took care of him with the promise of a memorial at the end of January.  

I answered all the emails and phone calls and made sure that every one knew "game on".  He still wanted to keep our plans for lunch with friends ( the cover story) at that restaurant. 

Breathing a sigh of relief in a way, Christmas eve comes. He had made plans to attend services at his congregation with his family at 5:30 then dinner with them.  He intended to meet meat my church at 10:30 for our services. The plan after was to meet friends for drinks but that didn't work out so we were going to meet at home and have the eggnog I just made.

Ah the best laid plans.....  Somehow or another I was slightly delayed in leaving church and he should have beat me home by 20 minutes.  Strangely though, I got home and he wasn't there. Finally 40 minutes later I called his phone and he texted back that he was at one of the pubs as the owner paged him.

This turned out to be a lie but not a strategically crafted one. Given the circumstances - I didnt' ride him too much on it. He really wanted to drink the pain of his brother's dying away.  I was expecting this since the news came in so I wasn't altogether surprised.   He didn't want to "admit" that need so he came up with the lie so I wouldn't ride him too much.  

I want to take a slight pause in the story to explain that this pub and I have a checkered past.  Largely good, but the lows were LOW.    I know the owners and most of the waitstaff there.    So I can safely tell you that he hasn't been in there since Easter.   He hasn't been in touch since Easter.  This is very key to the rest of this story.   Back to our regularly scheduled program. 

I wake up at 3AM,  he's still not back and now I am starting to worry about how far gone he was.  So I texted him to let me know when he was ready to come home so I could get him. But I missed him as he walked in the door 10 minutes later. Holding a flier in his hand for his own fundraiser and not too happy with me!!!!

I tried to cover it but I'm not really adept at that. So I bailed fast and came clean. He started laughing as he was trying to remain upright. I got him into bed and he talked about how we would keep the secret for everyone else who worked so hard.

He wanted to bring his bass guitar and his acoustic.   He wanted me to sing some tunes.  We re-arranged the cover story of OURS to cover the original cover story.   Alex's death not withstanding that actually was helpful.  We basically went in two separate cars.  THe story for that was that he had to go to his mom's early and didn't have a chance to shower. At 1:45 I was walking out the door with both guitars in hand telling people that he was in the shower so I was able to sneak them out.  He was so overwhelmed and touched by this that combined with his brother's passing and the copious amounts of alcohol he consumed we had a few hours of him crying in my lap.   I could not have been more touched by his feelings. 

The invites had been going out, being updated and lots and lots of communications have been flying around.   I invited the whore.    Being the bigger and nicer person, I thought he would have appreciated that.  I invited his movie buddy,  his exwife even though she lives in another country and tons and tons of people regardless of location. 

As I walk into the bar, with my stuff and his two guitars in my hands, His movie buddy meets me at the door and helps me get everything into bar and set up.   Then I see the whore who comes over and hugs me.  I introduce the two women and proceed to get everything rolling.   

He walks in  - plays surprised BRILLIANTLY - seriously no one in Hollywood can hold a candle to the two of us! 

The music went on for 7 hours.   We shut it down when the PA and sound system had to depart for another gig out east!  We had musicians upon musicians upon musicians playing and singing.  Guitars, cellos, singers - harmonicas - it was just a blast.   Jon played all night long.   I sang a couple of sets with him and we had a great time.  I met tons of friends of his that I had been hearing about for years!  Many of my friends and some of "our" friends.  It was lovely. 

The one damper was the whore.  She got hammered.  And I mean hammered.  So much so that she could barely walk, she was flirting with every guy in the bar, handing out her phone number, broke my cellphone temporarily ( I was able to fix it later that night), she was feeling everyone up including me - she kept hugging me and telling me how lucky he was to have me and what a good woman I am.   Then - she goes up to Jon asks him to play the song he wrote FOR HER when they were together and he didn't ( lucky for him).  Not to be outdone, she then decides it was time to go home, oh but wait - as she was saying good bye to Jon, she invited him to go with her. 

Ummm - HELLO??????     Are you people KIDDING ME???? I truly thought my head was going to explode.  Oh he handled it well enough - he told her that was never going to happen again and that any future was dependent on her.   

Umm - yeah that's fine but not good enough.  So when we talked about it the next day I told him that I was offended at her behaviour and he needs to straighten her out.  She needs to understand that It was never going to happen again REGARDLESS of what she does.   And she needs to know that I am pretty angry with HER for the betrayal.  I tried to do the right thing and she screwed me.  Moving forward she won't be included.  Period.  I don't need this drama. 

He did agree with me that she needs to hear ALL of that in the light of sobriety and that he has no intentions of going back to her because she is incapable of giving him the relationship he wants and needs and that he is much happier here with me.   I meet his needs in ways she never could.   Part of him still hurts from the things she put him through and to some extent still does.  But he's trying hard to let it go and move on.   This was our first foray into the 3 of us in a social situation and she failed.   

I'm not angry anymore even though that converation hasn't happened yet.  We both had a great laugh though as she called and left a message as if nothing happened - she has no memory!  Oops.  

This was how we closed out Chrismas week.    I don't know if I was just trusting that she would behave at the ripe age of 50 or that I  trusted that she was telling me the truth in the hospital that she didn't want Jon.   Or was I just keeping my enemy close? 

Truth be told I don't think it is as much the enemy as the others.   The reason is,  it was way too easy for me to not invite her.  Way too easy.  

I'm embarrassed because she made a liar out of me.  I'm embarrassed because she made a fool out of me.  And herself - more so.  

It's been a tough week.  We have had a LOT go on.  But honestly - he was so overwhelmed by everything that I did.  I'm the hero of his life.   His family ( who just could not attend the fundraiser due to the fact that they buried Alex the day before) loves me now in ways that they never did before.  I was so worried that they continued their dislike of me.  I found out differently and then they proved it on New Years Eve.   I spent New Years at the restaurant where Jon plays.  We sang a set together and then his mum and step dad and step siblings showed up - we closed the place down.  It was one of my better New Years eve's in my life.  We had so much fun!  It was not complicated, there was no agenda - everyone was in good spirits and good form.  

I wish for you all a happy 2009.   It has to be better for all of us.  I truly believe that.  

I have hope.  

Thankful things and holidays

I am starting with my 5 things today because it will help me re-focus my priorities and my writing then improves!

1. I am thankful that the band had practice tonight. Jon loves it and is energized for days afterwards. He misses his music terribly so this is big for him.,
2. I am thankful that I was able to deconstruct and reconstruct "Mrs. Robinson". I have been having the worst time lately with learning songs. Seriously - I never put this much effort into it. It's worth it though. We are working on Mrs. Robinson, Back on the Chain Gang ( The Pretenders), Hazy Shade of Winter, If I fell, Good bye Girl, I will, America, THe Boxer, Homeward Bound. I know about half WELL. But for some reason, I actually stopped and LISTENED to Mrs Robinson and that was a huge mistake! Do you know there are overtones that mask as a third voice? Very confusing with that harmonies that I am trying to learn people! It took me two days and I finally GOT IT back where it was BEFORE I started listening. That will teach me.
3. I am thankful that I was able to make the Bacon mushroom pie tonight. I confess it was by far and away the best one EVER. I mean it - EVER. He loved it - he ate 2 huge pieces.
4. I am thankful that I took a hint today. Twice. I won't lie - it wasn't a hint I liked hearing but it does bring around a good point. It's time for me to step up and take better care of myself. I do more than I did over the summer but now I need to do even more. It's time.
5. I am thankful that I no longer have the "empty" feeling. For awhile recently I felt empty and depleted. I didn't have any feeling. I just felt hollow. It was weird and strange. I had a chat with my best friend this week over coffee. She actually told me that Jon is a story repeater. Which makes her crazy. He works out on her husbands weights 3 times a week ( they live down the block) and then the two of them have coffee and chit chat. She told me that the majority of the convo is him telling and re-telling stories. Now I know he does that, and I just generally write it off. Usually when he does that it's a version of events he's test driving to convince himself that it's true. Or it's a story he really likes. But I got defensive - I didn't act on it - but inside I got defensive. And I felt better because the emptiness seemed gone.

I want to say that We are going through a rough holiday - again. I just want to get through it. My family is big on the holidays. This one is going to be rough. Jon does not want to be on call or do a shift. I don't think he should have to.

The other problem and it's kind of a good problem to have is the benefit for Jon. I have a plan to get him there, but once he realizes what it is - he may freak. We'll see. I'm working on it.

I bought him some of his gifts today. I am worse about giving then getting - I love seeing the look on my friends and families faces!

The last year in this decade of my life....

39 years ago.... I was born. Twenty -two minutes ago to be exact.

Not far from where I currently live, no less. I don't even know if the hospital still exists.

The older I get, the more important my birthday becomes to me.

My dad was a big one for celebrating on THE day. We always did dinner on my actual birthday from the time my parents got divorced. That was his thing and he did it well. When he married my step mom - she embraced it as fervently as he did and sort of kept up the tradition after he died for awhile.

To be honest - we stopped it. Largely because my dad died a week before my birthday and it just became very morbid for both of us. Very sad. More her than me... but that's nont surprising.

I realized the other day that this is it. My last year in my thirties. As I write this, I am sitting here in my room, air conditioners humming away the intense heat of the day. I am hearing Jon cough in the living room where he is watching a ballgame and trying to wind down after a rough day, I have my Will and Grace on the TV and a cat on the bed.

Last night, he got his guitar out and played "You are the sunshine of my life". We looked at each other.... I can never describe that look between us, but everyone who see's us.... see's it.

This morning he played the only recording he has of he and the exwife singing together. I didn't know it existed so this was a lovely surprise for me. It was recorded on a 4 track recorded over a decade ago. It's good. It's really good stuff. All the material is the same stuff that he and I are targetting. When we got done listening to it, I commented that his playing is so much better, his lower voice is really rich on the tape but his upper voice today is far superior to what it was 10 years ago. She, not strangely enough, sounds like me. a little bit richer in the lower vocal ranges but I have more power. It was really a wonderful surprise to me.

He got a little sad and a little bit nostalgic. For a lot of reasons, one of which is the fact that he can't sing right now and is worried that he may never get to again. Another because of all the musical acts and bands that the has worked with in his life, the best musical partner for the job was his ex-wife. He misses the musical partnership though he does not miss the marriage. I absolutely can understand that.

I went back to my office and started working. It crossed my mind to tell him that there is more to him than musical performance. So much more. I wouldn't even know where to begin.... But the list is long and distinguished.

I am going to my girlfriends home alone this weekend. When I say alone, I mean without him. I will be amongst from friends and that will be lovely. I'm sad because I don't want to do this without him. I don't want to spend my birthday or fathers day without him. Neither of us have our dad's anymore, but both of us have step dads. He himself was a father until last year.

This is a bittersweet birthday because for as bad as I thought last year's was, this years, not really great either. That is no reflection on my family and friends.... by the way. It's just the circumstances surrounding this year are tough.

We'll make the best of this and muddle through. I have no expectations for tomorrow beyond the coffee I am having with my best friend.

Happy birthday to my friend and counterpart. We share the same name and the same birthday. She is my friend and like a sister to me as well. So, my friend, if you read this, May this year be a wonderful and special one for you!

Happy Memorial day

I have been chided by a work friend for not forcing and creating memories between Jon and I.

i wouldn't say that we weren't, certainly not intentionally, but I can tell you that the illness has largely prevented us from some of the routine things that we used to do together.

Today, one my best girlfriends invited us over to cook out. He cannot eat solid food, but we went anyway.

What she figured would happen was that he would sya the upright bass in the corner or the piano and we would lose both he and Lizz.

Well she was right. And thank Goodness.

He really needed the music today. He lit up. Like a tree. At Christmas.

Lit up - I'm not kidding.

I wasn't in the room part of the time, but he called me in at one point and asked me to play a chord progression on the pano for him ( all my music friends can please stop the laughing now... ) and after a few tries, I did finally get it.

Then he moved onto to something else. So I sat and listened. sometimes I sang what I could remember of the tunes ( they weren't his usual because he canoot sing those things).

But he did play You are the susnshine of my life. I was touched because I love that song.

We re-established the connection even if he was being a bit of a plick with me. the eye contact was there. The connetion was back.

I was relieved.

When we got home, he flipped open the Beatles Orchestra scores that he has to Filling a Hole. Turne the light on and called me in from the kitchen.

"Play this" he says.

"Umm... OK" I think - I haven't heard this tune in a long time so this is going to be interesting.... key of F, ummmm not too hard...OK....

We start playing, he gets his guitar and the two of us start jamming... It was so much fun. Just us.

Then hs says.... "I beat you up pretty bad at Ellie's today. I wanted to give you something to play that would make you realize that you DO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING - I've just been doing it longer...."

I had my back to him but I turned and looked at him and smiled.

" You did beat me up. But it wasn't bad. It just pointed out to me that there are stil things that I need to tighten up - I'm better than I was but nowhere hear where I need to be in music theory.... No wonder I had trouble in college theory!"

Then the doorbell rang.

My neighbor next door is probably the lightest sleeper I know. He's also one of the best people I know. So last week when he slipped the note under my door about the TV volume at night on the day that I had my car accident, I was not as responsive as I normally am.

So we had a nice chat. He felt badly for bringing it up and I felt badly that he was losing sleep. We have a great relationship, thank goodness. I do not understand how his other neighbors can be so. umm, high maintenance.

Then he realized that Jon was really not rebounding well. He and I talked a bit about the disease the course it has taken. He got teary eyed... so I took him out to the hall and gave him a hug.

When I returned, Jon wanted to know what happened. So I told him. He looked at me and said "Now I am going to write HIM a note and he'll really get misty when he reads it!"

We both laughed but then we talked about how he had said how he hates when bad things happen to good people and how Jon is such a good guy and how we deserve each other because we are such good people and how unfair and unjust the whole thing is.

And all of that is true.

tomorrow is round two of Chemo. We Pray that the ant-nausea meds made it to facilty otherwise we are going to have a hideous week. They can't be sent to a pharmacy they must go directly to the hospital.

I do not expect this round to go as smoothly as the last one but I pray that it does. I pray he regains his voice and I pray he doesn't lose his hearing.

And then I just pray for us and for life.

The dawn of 2008

In the wake of a rather boring New Years Eve.... largely because I fell asleep at 11:30 - a first, I might add..... I want to tell you about some plans I have for the New Year.

I hate resolutions. Let's face it, no one makes it past March and I'm being generous with March.

I like to think of New Years in a similar fashion to Lent. For those of you not familiar with Lent... Lent is the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter where Jesus spent time in the dessert enduring temptations including those of Satan. It's a sort preparation for his crucifixion. Not a fun time to be sure.

It is customary in the Christian faith to give something up during Lent. The reason behind that is that we are preparing for the crucifixion.

OK I got a little bit deeper into lent than I had actually intended.... but hey, it's a learning experience, right?

So the idea of promising to DO something for the New year is similar in thought to giving something up for 40 days.

Especially when you look at the new twists that are going on with the Lenten "give - up" program as I call it. Now my faith also believes that maybe the giving up isn't as important as acquiring a new behaviour.... for example - perhaps you have decided to start volunteering during lent? that's just as good to the church as say, giving up chocolate ( and don't think for one minute that that doesn't go on). It's an interesting twist....

By the by, just as an aside, for those of you wondering, the whole eating fish on Fridays during Lent? Not religious in nature at all.... I hate to be the one to debunk this ( Seeing as how I have an entire post on debunking the bible coming dedicated to my sister in law), but its largely due to the fact that there was an overabundance of fish in biblical days..... you get the idea.

So having given this process some thought- I am not really jumping up and down to make resolutions. At the end of the day, what good is it going to do me? If I fail, my self esteem takes a hit because I put yet another set of unrealistic demands on myself? Thank you but I can do THAT without the pressure of a holiday anytime.

The fact is, I am taking a stand for myself this year. The only thing that I am resolving to do is what is best for me. I am going to really take the time to consider the choices I make in terms of what is good for the Contessa.

Oh I know what you are thinking......

Of course I will not be making choices that will harm another person in order to do what is right for me.... hello.... have we just met???

But I will be considering how the end results affect me more than I have been of late.

I will put forth this small example. Its huge for me, but small in the grand scheme.

I am on holiday from 12/21 through 1/7. While I am out, my Poodle is covering for me at work. Do you realize that every single working day from 12.21 through yesterday he has called me?

I am not taking his calls. I am on holiday. He has to think for himself. He is older than I am by 15 years.... come on now. He does this ALL THE TIME. And I can guarantee that those who are working right now with him are getting the full brunt of his whining and complaining about having to cover my work. He's so very predictable but I love him all the same.

Normally I would have called him back each time. My decision to not call him back is as much for his own good as it for my peace of mind.


Additionally, I plan to ask for help more and no, I don't mean the little things only. I have spent all of my life thinking I had to always be the strong independent type. Not to be reliant on others. To the point where I believe it as a sign of weakness. Each year I go through a holiday blues / Depression and this year went through one that brought me to my knees literally and emotionally and psychologically. Like never before in my life. Just at the point where I was unable to sleep more than 2 hours at a time and awaking so confused that I didn't know the day, time of where I was, I turned and asked my best friend for help.

Do we still need to talk about this - yes. But he's been so good. For all that he can be when he's in the throes of his own depression. Do I feel idiotic because mine is for stupid reasons while his is for real? sure.

I guess it's true that when you don't ask for help, you also deny those you love from showing they love you.

So this is my Non resolution year.

Happy 2008!

Oops I did it again

Just like Britney says.... "Oops I did it again".

Only this time, it was less severe because I didn't raise up my hopes.

I don't actually mind spending New Years Alone.... I just really thought I was going to have company this time. We had discussed it and some tentative plans were made.

Ah but the best made plans.... right?

He got sick. He's home in bed. Sleeping. At least I knew early. So this shouldn't be any great shakes.

I won't lie and say I 'm not disappointed. I am. But I am not upset. I am not panicky and I am not going off the deep end this time.

While I didn't set my expectations really high for tonight, I did however have higher expectations than the none I would have had the day before.

I have noticed that NewYears has become more and more of a "non event" which I think is why I am not so upset.

If I manage to stay awake till midnight.... Happy New year!!!!

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Christmas

I had really wanted to write a heartfelt uplifting Holiday message for my readers.

I just can't do it this year, folks.

2007 has been a wonderful and amazing year for me. At the exact same time, it has been one of my worst since the death of my dad in 2003. And unfortunately, the majority of the negative and bad things have happened in the past 5 weeks.

Still trying to make the best of the bad, I am at least posting SOMETHING and I am going to tell you a little holiday laugh for you.

I have a niece who turned one year old 2 days ago. She is the light of my life and I am the light of hers.

I arrived at my mothers yesterday having cried the entire car-ride there. I was on the phone with Mrs Jax and I wasn't going inside until I was off the phone because it wasn't that kind of conversation. It was cold, but not horrible.

My youngest brother ( the father of my niece) came out while I was on the phone and took all my packages.

A few minutes later my step dad came out and lit his pipe and went back inside.

My mom came out to find out what I was doing.

then I hear banging.

I turnaround and there is my banana ( her nickname because it rhymes with her name) standing at the glass front door, laughing and smiling at me and banging on the door to get my attention.

Thank God for little kids. She took my heart out of the blues for a few hours and kept me busy. I got 2 hours of peace. If you call chasing a 1 year old peaceful!

She looks EXACTLY like my brother. Then my sister and her family arrived.

My nephew now has his dads coloring - but he looks exactly like my sister. And she looks exactly like me. People are actually astounded by that - when you consider that we came from completely different gene pools.

So I had two munchkins to keep me occupied. They both loved their toys ( my brother who does not YET have kids, went to the store and bought the noisiest toys that were in the age range - he's going to be a dead man when they have theirs!)

When I left I checked my answering machine. THe call I wanted and needed to hear had come in while I was at my moms. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I went on to deal with the rest of the day in a far more peaceful mood.

So with that I wish you all Peace and Joy today!

The holidays- Joy and Peace

The holidays.

I love them but yet I hate them.

Everyone I know strives to have the "perfect" Christmas.

You know the ones I mean. The Norman Rockwell Christmas. The tree, snow falling ( region permitted of course), lights with not one out, candles in the window, carols on the stereo, good food, eggnog, fruitcake, presents under the tree, all that good family feeling....

You get the idea.

And it rarely happens that way - at least not for my family.

I have discovered, for myself, that the holidays tend to make me cry. A lot. And if there are things happening that would normally not work for me.... they are just exacerbated by the holidays.

Oh I chase that perfect Christmas like everyone else. It's a goal - and it's good to be goal driven.

I have had a lot on my plate for a long while. It's not making this season easy for me.

My job is hell. I have managed, quite convincingly, to tell myself that it's just a job and does not define who I am. I don't always believe it, but I work hard at it. I have spent an enormous chunk of my career serving customers and doing it well. I have a boss who is inconsistent. He will give direction one way, and then criticize you for it. It's very hard for the people pleaser that I am, to please this man. I am tired. I am psychologically battered for hearing the constant criticism, everything I do is wrong and the constant blame. I know there are some folks ( Lisa the Scalemistress) who would say and have said "Get another job".

Of Course they are right. It's not fiscally possible right now. But Come the end of January, if I don't see change, I will be posting out to another position. I just cannot abide by the abuse to much longer. I have set that date as a hard date and I did it for my customer.

My love life is - well, we'll call it interesting for now. Not bad, but I'm not living on Cloud 9. The letter I sent to my best friend was received better than I expected. He was actually complimentary on it. We talked yesterday. After a hellacious day at work for me that left me in tears.... not the best timing. But we have a tendency to get the emotions rolling high and one of us leaves. He didn't want to do that again. His depression is lifting. Not quickly, but it is getting better. He's running again, he's cut back on the drinking and he's communicating. He's not going anywhere. He needs space, which is OK. He needs some time. But "we" are OK. Or we will be.

I'm not crazy about some of the side effects of this, but I am desperately trying to come to terms and deal with them till he's better.

What this has done to me though, is start the holiday tears way in advance. I've been crying for weeks. Hell I'm crying now. When he leaves, I cry. The day I know he's going home, I cry. It's insane. I miss him when he's not here.

Depression is a crazy thing. I jokingly told him that its starting to be contagious. I am not actually depressed - I am just aching for the pain that he has been in and continues to be in.

I have never loved someone enough to care about the pain they are in to this degree. Don't get me wrong, because I know that sounds horrible. My best friends and family - I feel awful when they are in pain. I want to help them as much as is possible. But I never felt helpless before in the face of depression in someone I love like this.

I saw my priest on wed. We talked about this pretty extensively and he and I are in agreement as it turns out. I know I can't fix the problem. I am not actually the problem at all.

I am an action person. If there's a problem - I need to address it. I need to fix it. I need to be right there with the sword and the shield.

This is a hard lesson for me and my best friend and I are walking this road together. He's not leaving, he doesn't want to. We are too important to one another. Something I truly never thought would happen.

He is a patient man. He forgives a lot with me. I am not good at relationships. I try too hard to be the exact thing for that person. Not this time - but in my past, yes. He lets me be me and insists on it. We are honest with each other and we are working on this. I really thought that wasn't going to happen. We are both lucky people.

This holiday is going to be tough. Because through both these difficult and painful situations, I am trying to be in good spirits and still chase the perfect holiday. I have a lot to do in terms of music and the work that goes into that. I performed a children's breakfast last weekend and frankly I couldn't get into the spirit of the thing. My heart ached and a friend who's mother just died was there, so I ached for that too. Any way you looked at it, I don't know how I got through those 2 hours. I have to decorate my house this weekend. I have a performance tonight and tomorrow, I have Christmas Eve services, a lunch next week... my best friend's birthday is next week.

We are all busy. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, this is the season of advent. Advent is important. It's a time to be quiet and plan for the coming of the Baby Jesus. It's a time to reflect and rest. I am trying to put the peace back into my life and do this.

So I pass this one to you. Regardless of faith - I pray for peace and joy for all of you during this season.

Happy Hanukkah for those of you celebrate!

PS - I hit 32 lbs down today!

The holidays

If you asked me ten years ago, "When do you start preparing for Christmas" The answer would be sometime around Christmas eve.

With each passing year it gets sooner and sooner. I know MY reason is due to my concert and performance schedule beefing up and ramping up quickly. I started the preparation of my home this weekend.


No - not decorating. Just reorganizing and prepping for the actual deorating which I am planning to do on Dec 7th.


I have started my Christmas shopping and have started planning my baking. I want to have a dinner party for another couple sometime before the blessed event as well.


I have a larger performnce schedule than normal, and my best friend is racking and stacking his gigs like crazy too. Which, of course, means getting the calendar out and putting all the dates on there. Otherwise netiher of us gets to hear the other perform. At least not till we get "our" act together.


There is also his birthday in there as well. I would like to have the dinner party as a birthday dinner for my best friend with two other couples. Not a big fuss, just a dinner amongst friends. I am not inviting the whole world and I am not making a fuss over it. He would love it but hate it. And that's just tough because I know he is working the night of his birthday and I think he needs others to make a fuss over him so he knows how much he is loved.


So I have my Martha stewart Magazines out, cookbooks, I have two closets out of 3 done.


Through all the madness that has started, I have made a promise to myself though.


My activity level has recently decreased to non existent. I tend to get melancholy during the holidays which is why I like to be busy. So I am adding walking every day for 30 monites this week. then I am adding my weights back 5 days starting next week.


I bought cards today. I bouoght a birthday card for a friend and my best friend's birthday card and Christmas card. One is lighter than the other.

I woke up with no voice today. I will be attending my rehearsal tonight with the Diva who took a swing at me last week. I am taking her up on disciplinary actions. I am just busy writing that up. behaviour not befitting a board member.

I gained 2 pounds from Thanksgiving for which I am giving thanks. Because I practically ate myself into a coma. it's not that I overate - if you had seen my plate, no one would believe how little I ate. It's just that for ME it was a lot in one sitting. I eat that much over the course of one day not all at once. And I think that made in impact on how my body processed it.

Of course Scale Mistress makes a compelling point about vitamins and I need to get back to it.

So, in short the prep for the holidays, I hope will make things easier for me.

We shall see....

Happy Thanksgiving

I find myself writing this in a lukewarm mood.

Possibly because I am tired, from overeating,but largely I think because of some of the twists in my life that I have been eluding too.

Now I won't dwell on them as this is supposed to be a thanksgiving post. All I will say is that I am overly thankful this year, but with less joy. Depression in a loved one can do that and I am not dealing as well with them as I would like.

enough.

What I am thankful for is that I have a wonderful family who has flaws because they are human. But they are still mine and I love them just for that reason alone and thankful that they are mine.

I am also thankful for my career and job, regardless of the down sides.

I am thankful for the vast array of friends that I h ave been blessed with. All are different, all hae very specific things that drew us together and all of them are special to me in wonderful and lovely ways.

I am blessed to own a home and a car. I am blessed with two beautiful cats. I am blessed with a person who loves me. I am blessed to love him too. I am thankful to have these elements in my life.

On wednesday, a wise friend of mine said to me "We have many things like what you are going through happen to us. What separates you and I out of it, is that, while we do what needs doing to help our loved ones, we also see the blessings that we have as well"

I thought that very appropriate. I try to remember my blessings when I am ready to give up the fight for what I want.

So on this Thanksgiving night, with my tummy full of wonderful food, I am thankful for my life, and the people in it. I know that when the going gets tough there blessings that can get me through.

Bless all of you and have a wonderfully Thankful weekend!

Hi, I am The Contessa and I have trust and control issues

"Welcome to trust and control Anonymous. Hi, my name is The Contessa and I will be your poster child for Trust and Control Issues today. There's coffee in the back, pleases help yourselves. Lets go round the circle and introduce ourselves. "

I spent the weekend in the country celebrating my birthday and my best friends birthday ( his was 6 months ago, but due to holidays and what not requested that we push it off to the half year).

We have mutual friends who set this weekend up. One lives there and it was to Lily's house that we went. It was perfect - the weather was stunning, I had all new clothes for this event, everything was set up to be perfect.

But it was less than perfect. And I blame some of it on my self and some on my best friend. It occured to me that I am also not a good actress when the subject matter is near and dear to my heart. And yes, I knew going in that this weekend was going to be tough in that regard, but I was prepared for it. Or so I thought.

While it was still early, we sat around the patio, eating lunch and drinking cocktails. The sun was shining, it was warm and lovely. The property is gorgeous. It was very peaceful. My best friend is now talking about his daughter who recently passed away in fatal car crash in March and how today being Fathers day was going to be difficult for him. I have long since known this story but our mutual friends did not. I had gotten him a fathers day card, somewhat generic since he's not MY father, our spouse, or whatever. I added a famous Indian Memorial Poem "Do not weep for me..." and gave it to him. He read it, got the lump in his throat and proceeded to start the joke telling.

I first noticed the control problem that started to mask itself as jealousy. I think I may have explained this before but jealousy isn't an issue for me. If I appear jealous, dig for it, because something else is the root cause. But there was a new person at the party, single and he was working her over. I don't know why it bothered me this time when he always tries to put all people, newcomers and the like, at ease at a party. But it did. and I had no reason for it.

I acknowledge that I have trust issues. I do, I know I do, and I work very very hard at trusting people. If I let you into my inner circle and my heart, that doesn't necessarily mean that I trust you implicitly. That means I am willing to try. It can take years for me to truly trust someone implicitly. I can count on one hand, those who I trust that way.

I am of the belief that my inability to trust people is because I am afraid. I am afraid. Of lots of things, I am afraid that my heart be broken, I am afraid that if I trust someone, they will let me down, I am afraid that I am not worthy of THEIR trust either. I have a lot of fears in this area. I have been working on dealing with the fear and that's been going well actually. This is how I realized I have issues with trust.

There isn't anything wrong with the people I surround myself with except that they are human. The problem as I see it, is mine. I am always looking for the hidden agenda, or the duplicity, or whatever it is that may hurt me in the long run. Part of me says "Keep digging it's there. You can find it if you look hard enough" and Part of me says "Why Dig? Everyone in the world has their secrets and their faults - do you really need to dig for them? " I try to keep thinking about "Let thou who has no sin in their heart cast the first stone." ( There's a great joke that goes with that one too!)

I am not perfect - oh my lord - so far from it. I don't wish to be perfect. I wish to be the best person I can be. But in order to do that, I need to trust more. It ties into the control. I need to be in control all the time. When I am fully in control, I find it easier to trust people.

It's pretty messed up. Right?

So this weekend, my control issues showed themselves less than I thought, but they were there. And I knew it. For example, my best friend drove my car home today. I was tense. The entire time. Why? no one drives my car but me. But I hadn't slept that well, I was tired and he wanted to give me a break. I relaxed somewhere on I684, but it took me awhile. But I trust him. Mostly. And I am working on this. A lot. Especially now that I am aware of it.

I was stressed at the party in the evening and why? Because I wasn't in control and he was. I finally went inside to lie down on the bed for a few minutes. I just needed 10 minutes alone. My best friend showed up and sat down next to me. He talked soothingly for about 5 minutes and left to make me a Blueberry Martini. He had my best girl friend make that and pick a glass for me. I got up and walked outside. I sat down with my drink, and tried to relax.

I started feeling better. But no, still not comfortable.

It turned out that the only way that I was able to relax was to have more to drink. Not really my style and I did get the comment as we were getting ready for bed that I shouldn't try to match him drink for drink. I didn't actually notice that I was....

So, back to the party. He got up to make me another drink, kissed me and said he was happy I was feeling better. Came back out and told everyone that it was my actual birthday, not his, and we should be celebrating that.

It was sweet and very considerate but the reality of my problem here was that the true nature of our friendship is very much on the down low. I am OK with this overall as a plan for right now. It's not anyone's business but ours, but it does make me feel, at times, that I can't always be myself with our friends. I understand that necessity of this at this juncture and I wouldn't have it any other way, however, it just adds pressure for me. I'm not a good actress and I won't pretend to be.

In reviewing the situation it should be noted that I don't start out by NOT trusting people. I start out small. As people deliver on the expectations that I have, I trust more, and the stakes go higher. Serously I tend to keep the bar low for awhile without even realizing it. I have a number of good friends whom I love and trust, both IRL and virtually. It's through this core of people that I am better able to see what I need to do to improve in this area. They are loving, trusting people as a rule and I am trying to learn from their succeses in this area. I am truly blessed to see such role models in my life.

I look at my mom and step-dad. Honesty is brutal and unrelenting in that household. They pull no punches. They fight only in the present, there is no dredging up of the past during their actual disputes. I learned to fight from them. I don't bring up every mistake, and the reason is because, if you deal with it as it happens, it's already solved. I don't hold grudges and I don't have regrets. These are wastes of time and they zap your energy. But at the same time they are kind and considerate of one another. I learned that too.

I look at my friends marriages. I have two that I have watched over many years. Bernie and his wife are amongst my best friends and they are so well matched for one another. Oh yes, they fight... but they know each other's limits and they work at their relationship. It's always wonderful to be around them.... they make me realize the goodness in being married and having a family.

Jenna and her husband too. They are incredibly considerate of one another. They may not think so, but if you watch them and just observe, they really are. I have on more than one occasion called and had her husband tell me that he drew her a bath which is where she isand cannot be disturbed as she had a long tough day. He commutes every day to the city for work and they are one kid short of a basketball team. But for all the things that they have going for them and against them, they make it work and it's all about the love for their children and family and each other.

Scores more of my friends fall into this category. Maplemama is probably the most trusting person I have ever met. She just opens her heart automaticaly and without reservation. I have long been using her as a model for how to do this. She's amazing to me and I am blessed to know all these people.

Back to the party again. By the time we got home, I dropped Jenna off and I told her that I am wanting to hang in with this and see it through. I can only come out ahead here. I know that. The problems I have, right now, are mine alone and I know that. The trust thing is a little like freefalling. I have to let go and just do it. The same thing with control. Once when I was in Junior high, I was dating a wonderful boy, my first true love. The only thing he ever wanted was for me to trust him. he used to stand behind me and say "close your eyes and fall backwards. I promise to catch you." I couldn't do it.

She responded that she was glad I decided to do that. She feels that it will come out right in the end too. The last thing she said to me as I was getting in the car was, For what it's worth, My best friend contributed more to my gift than anyone else did. She explained the contribution and he said he knew, but that this is what he wanted to give me.

I have no good reason in this world not to trust this man. Really and truly, not one. Yes, he has made some mistakes, and yes he has made up for them, acnowledged them and apologized for them. I have made some mistakes, some of the same ones no less. As long as the communication and honesty is happening I can't ask for more. But for all the mistakes that have been made, a lot of good things have happened too. More so than the bad. We jokingly call it the learning curve. Some days it's a short curve and others painfully long.

I guess I need to try free falling..... just a lil' bit.

On Being MIA

Yes yes yes. I have been MIA for a few days.

My Birthday was exceedingly wonderful and fantastically busy. I did exactly what I wanted to do that day.

I opened my day up with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Large, Blueberry with Skim milk and two Splenda.

I headed to church in the overcast, seriously threatening to rain weather. Our outdoor service became an Indoor service.

My priest was back after a day off following a running accident where he broke and dislocated some bones. For me it was nice, because he issued my birthday blessing. My stepmom didn't remember that it was my birthday, but Ellie did. Ellie's the mom of my friend with the same name and birthday as I have. She came in, walked right over to me, gave me a huge hug and kiss and wished me a happy birthday. Then her grandchildren came in and hugged and kissed me and told me that it was pretty weird that mommy's friend has the same birthday and name as their mom. They are adorable.

After church, I was wondering what was up with step mom - she has been weird towards me. Lately. So I was talking with her on our way to the Church BBQ and we talked for hours. About the subjects that we have been avoiding too. Not that this has anything to do with "our" relationship, but it plays off us both as individuals. we cleared a lot of air. I feel better and I think she does too. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I could have done. Turns out I didn't. Nor did she. It's just that there are times when things are happening that affect us both that we can't talk about it. But we talk about everything, so it becomes eaiser to just avoid the other one till things have been sorted out in our own heads. I still have a secret I am keeping from her ( and the rest of my family and friends) until the time is right. But I retain that right as it only affects me. Not them.

I changed my clothes and went to my performance - it went really well. AND the whole group PLUS the audience sang Happy Birthday to me.... I almost died....! I was so not prepared for that.... My coach is a funny one.

Concert over, I went home and showered. I laid down to try and have a nap but I was still suffering the performance high. At 9 PM I went and picked up my best friend and we had our movie night - which was awesome. We watched some great flicks. Original version of the Producers - funny funny funny!!!! The Holiday. Good - but slow moving on the England half of the story. Good night all around.

The next day I was supposed to have the day off. I slept till 10 but went to work at 11:30. So my boss told me to call it off and take another day if I wanted. So I worked the remainder of the day ( shhh I took a nap in the middle as I was up later than normal!) and I taught my kids and was trying to catch up on my log reading and trying to write this post..... when the screen was blurring in front of my eyes. I went to bed. I couldn't stay awake another second.

It was a lovely though Busy day. I have next weeked too.... I will be MIA next weekend as well.... but that's OK. It will be fun and I will tell you all about it come Monday.

In the meantime - the positive thing is working well. And it's getting easier. try it!

Looking at the positive

I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.



On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.



That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).

As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.

As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"

I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.

If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.

I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.

But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.

This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.

That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.

I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.

Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.

She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.

Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.

One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.

It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.

But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.

Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.

When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.

An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.

We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.

Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.

So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.

Some things I am proud of:

1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.

I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.

I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )

At an emotional impasse

My life is stranger than fiction.

No, no, no. It is. I am used to it, but I forget when people like yourselves pick up and read this blog, how unreal some of the things that happen to me must seem.

And yet they are all true.

I noticed this week that I am in an amazingly good mood and when the mood is this good, I don't write in my blog. Why is that? Wouldn't you think I would WANT to document happy occasions? I mean, happy for me - not just ordinary happy occasions like wedding and baby showers with 400 dollar strollers.

I have been working on this post since Valentines Day and keep setting aside. I love stories of how couples got together. I mean long term couples. I find in these stories the coincidences that could have caused the lives to go a different way. Like the couple who meets but they are both involved with others and they keep meeting one only one was single, until the universe deemed the timing right and they both meet and party or a friends home or whatever. This is an example of the kind of thing I am talking about. I have a friend, Maplemama, who met her husband at a wedding where she caught the bouquet and he caught the garter, but then didn't see each other again till much later. When they finally met, it was their time. The couple in my first example, they kept running into each other until the universe said "OK ENOUGH IT'S YOUR TIME NOW".

I love that.

I see these things happen and I like to dissect them and figure out where it went right AND where it went wrong. Especially for myself. I'm very trepidacious with myself though. I am usually the one who will deny myself that crazy raw emotional feeling that comes in the beginning. I will not even acknowledge it for fear that I will jeopardize the whole shebang. So when do you know it's your time? When Do I know it's my time? Is the nervousness gone? Is the shyness that suddenly disappears and the intense feeling of comfort a sign?

I just don't know.

Not yet, anyway. Too soon to tell.

So I continue to sit back and let the universe make it's decisions for me. I am not one who gives my heart that easily but when I do, it's the whole deal. I spent many years in love with the entirely WRONG person because I made the mistake of confusing sex and love. Not the first person to make that mistake, I realize and I chalk to my 20's and discovery of myself. The reality was I wasn't in love with that person and the more I see of him and his family now, the more confirmed that becomes for me. So with that experience behind me from my 20's, I now am a little bit more selective about who I allow myself to care for. It's really easy for me to care for someone and really hard for me to recover when it doesn't work is no longer an option.

But I have a neat little talent within myself. What I do, is I look at love in a multi layer type of cake. There is friendship love, there is familial love, there is romantic love, and then there is long term accepting love. Each layer can operate independently. They can operate in almost any version of combinations. They can operate as a whole.

So when one layer is no longer functioning or has been blasted into the universe, I review the other layers in that combination and decide are the remaining layers worth fighting to keep in my life and is it something that will work for both people? If I can step back after the healing has started and my soul says yes, I immediately re-group and start working at the new relationship.

My example is the guy from my 20's. He's happily married with children now. I adore his wife and we are all good friends. But the reality is, if that were me, we'd be divorced. So the universe was using him as a teaching tool for me. He taught me a lot of things about myself that I wouldn't know when I did and I don't regret a sinlge instance of that. The pain was worth the knowledge that I have about myself now.


Back to the layer analogy, the soul's ability to say "yes" to the a new layer combination minus the romantic love, is the tough part. I have to really let go, and let my inner soul do the talking and that has taken YEARS of practice. The tendency, when any kind of breakup or parting of the ways happens, is to keep that person around in any capacity in hopes of a reconciliation. I am the first one to say I am guilty of that. But that's not doing your human-ness a good turn at all. That doesn't teach you the lesson you needed to learn from the breakup of with that person. The breakup is a sign that this is either A. the wrong person for you or B. The right person for RIGHT NOW to teach you something specific so that C. When the right person arrives or returns to your life, you are in the right position to accept them.

When the soul finally comes to the decision that its ready to take on the new blended version of the relationship, it's going to be hard and take some work. You have to commit to it up front. And it requires communication, honesty and respect for the persn and the space that the two of you need. I find that if I put the work in and a few months down the road that person is mysteriously absent from my personal terain, than I wasn't that committed and I was holding that person to me for selfish reasons and hoping for the reconcilliation.

So I have an open ended question ahead of me. And I truthfully do not have a blessed clue about the answer yet.

But for the very first time ever in my life, I am not shy about it, I am not afraid of it and I have made my peace with whatever is the universe's decisions. There is no jealousy of others and there is no fear.

Only hope.

Because through hope, and through the universe's lovely methods, I have gained back the willingness to risk my heart when the time is right. I have gained the confidence that if I lose this round, there will be others and I will be fine.

Happy Easter!

Happy Valentines day!

Today was a wonderful day.

My favorite part of the entire day was the nap I took. I know I know, a nap????

But yes a nap. My Little chou chou, Wolfi, decided to join me and crawled under the flannel afghan and settled down on my lap for a delicious 30 minute nap. He had his paw on top of my hand and purred until we were both drowsy with contentment.

What a way to say I love you. Yes, it was a cat - but honestly, it's not Romantic love, but it is love and thats what the day is about.

So in the spirit of love, I Love all of you! My faithful readers and those who are new - I hope you come back - I love you. For some of you - I LOEV you.

I never thought that I would be a blogger. But it's been a largely joyful and educational experience. It's a great place to try ideas, borrow ideas ( please make sure you give credit when you do!) vent and just lay your thoughts and experiences out. I love comments - live for them sadly. I check my stats way too often and though I don't often change my layout, I have many drafts filed away that I am always tweaking. I hate HTML but it's coming easier.

I love all my friends and my family. I appreciate them all for the things they bring to my life to help me be the person I am and the person I am always striving to be. Even the traits and behaviours that I don't like help me be a better person.

So here's to you - Happy Valentines Day. It's a day about Love - not just romantic love - but any love and I had two boys vying for my affections today - Felines, yes - but love none-the-less.

Please feel free to check out my recital at The Contessa's Recital. I would love comments on that too!

For old acquaintance be forgot and never brought to mind....

New Years is a time to wipe the slate clean. All wrongs are righted, all slights forgotten.

Right?

Well even if it's not accurate - I believe that.

With each new year I try to change one thing about me for the better. I try to change one thing about my environment for the better.

This year I bet you all think I am going to say that my personal change is going to be to get to goal weight don't you?

Ha ! Gotcha WRONG.

That's probably going to happen or get close to it, because I am already on that road, comfortably and happily and refuse to put a time limitation on it. If it happens in 2007 - excellent. If it takes me into 2008 so be it. A time limit just adds stresses to the situation and causes setbacks. So no, not this year.

No this year, my goal is to go through my personal inventory of people in my life and keep all those that are good solid healthy relationships or work on a plan to modify the relationship so that it is mutually beneficial to both people or cut that relationship out of my life. With no guilt or anything like that.

Now to be honest I have already started that process. First of all, I am not ruled by pride. I took a lot of time to offer the peace to a dear friend with whom I had a falling out right before my dad died, but I did it. We both know that we are stubborn and we both know we didn't behave admirably but at the end of the day we are good people whose motivations were only for the best, we just acted on them stupidly. hell - we aren't perfect. But we are a road to recovery.

The second thing that I need to do this year is not sweat the small stuff. I have a tendency to grab onto a little thing and roll it, like a downhill snowball, into a huge thing. I tried to exercise this plan this morning in church.

We have a member of our choir who is a cherished person in my life. I have known she and her husband for most of my life. They are brilliant people and valued musicians. But they have had their share of musical trials in terms of post retirement employment. Peg was our interim organist and choir director after my father passed leaving the vacancy. She was not the best at it to be honest and fair, but we love her and we supported her 2000 %. So it was not the huge surprise that my new priest ( with a degree in music prior to seminary) asked for her resignation in his first year. He hired another choir director organist. Peg decided that she would remain at St Judes and sing in the choir as this was now her spiritual home. We were delighted but knew the transition would be tough on her. Now sitting firmly in Soprano 2 section of our choir, she creates her own descants on every hymn at will whenever the mood strikes her. This makes me crazy. Unless our director tells us to do that, I don't think we should be just arbitrarily creating things on the fly - what if the whole choir did that? There would be no melody and other than the words, no one would have recognized O come all ye faithful or any other hymn!

Today I chose to practice some anger management techniques with this one. yes it drives me crazy, but if it makes her feel more important to do that, after all she's been through ( that's not the first church to let them go by the way), isn't it worth it to keep her a little bit happy? She's an amazingly wonderful albeit quirky person, so is this really important? Is it going to really alter my day? NO. So I had to let it go.

A stupid story, but it begs the point about me holding on to things that do not matter in the grand scheme of things.

So I am working on letting the little things go. Some little things can't be let go because they create a precedent which isn't right either, or that little thing can rapidly snowball into a big thing if not reacted to quickly. The trick for me is to know which is which. this year I reacted ( or overreacted in many cases ) to everything to make sure that nothing slipped by. that really wasn't the best plan. So this year I am going to pick the battles differently. Perhaps with more wisdom. I may not react at all immediately I may just wait on it, think on it and pray on it.

This year is also about getting my allergies and immune system tanked up again. It's important for me overall but I have a ulterior motive in my singing. So - weight loss certainly plays a part as does exercise and intelligent food choices. Regulating meds and what not. I know what to do an I certainly just have to keep doing it and keep reading on it.

So this year the three important things that I resolving to are:

1. Review and restore / recycle the relationships in my life
2. Don't sweat the small stuff
3. Get Immune system pumped up.

Happy New year to my oldest, bestest friends Lena, Maple Mama, Bernie, Jax, Jenna - I Loev you all!

Happy New Year to my newer friends - Post-Doc, Jules, Lori, Val....

"Make new friends but keep the old, one Silver and the other Gold"

A true holiday miracle

I got a call today from the father of one of my students.

I missed their lesson this week to unforeseeable circumstances. It turned out to be the best thing for all.

Their home burned the ground on Tuesday.

They lost literally everything but what they were wearing.

I love this family dearly. They are just fabulous people. Gorgeous home, not pretentious by any means. Well behaved kids and good family values. I so enjoy going there and spending time teaching the daughter and once in awhile I get to enjoy a glass of wine with parents.

So when they called me and told me what happened today, I was in such shock, literally, that I couldn't even speak. Then I was afraid to because I thought I would cry.

What most amazed me, though really it shouldn't, is the positive attitude that this father had. He was just sure everything was going to come up roses for them. He wants to make sure that his Little girl continues the music lessons and they will be in a rental home shortly and will let me know where that is for the interim while they re-build.

I'm so stunned. I immediately offered the support of Kiwanis and I will get more details down stream as soon as I know what more they need.

Kenny, the father, told me that he got the best gift this year.

His family, safe and sound.

That is a holiday miracle for me.

The most wonderful day of the year

"But I'm exhausted!" I whined.

I had a total of 6 services to sing for church in 26 hours. I was wiped out.

I actually took two naps on Christmas eve to get me through. I took one on Christmas day.

Christmas eve was amazing though. Better than ever. Better than I even imagined it would be.

"will you forgive a stubborn German?" I asked
"Only if you forgive this stubborn Git." She replied.

she thanked me for calling her and bridging the gap. She said it meant a lot. We'll be in touch after the holiday.

I felt fantastic. I was as high as a kite. I am barely down on earth now.

Then came Christmas day. We went to my brothers and he had a huge crowd there - it was largely family. It was wonderful. Mari was there with Will and the kids , Al and Matt. Al is at that wonderful age where everything is charming and fun and he loves to give kisses and hugs and he laughs at everything. We had so much fun with him - I adore that kid! largely because he liked my cookies that I made for my brother.

We had so much fun - the food was wonderful, the company was fantastic, the presents were a blast! My brother got me a digital recorder with software and everything just so I could practice my singing! I did put it on my list - but the one I got was far better than I expected and it is fantastic!

Mostly what this holiday did for me was that I had two major reunions with old friends that I missed dearly. I initiated one and D initiated the other. It was a uniquely special year for me. I wish they could all be that way.

The best gift, aside form my new niece, was a flock of ducks by Heifer Int'l donated in my name by MiniMaple. His new word is Ducky and I LOVE that. Maple mama has the most creative gifts. When my dad died, Maplemama sent me a Japanese red maple. So the FLock of ducks was not only not a surprise but a treasured gift from my little buddy, Minimaple.

This was one of the best holidays I can remember. My brother put a good day together at his home and I loved spending time there. I spent some time with my vocal coach and his family. I spent time with two of my dearest friends. I can't even imagine what else could be better?

Christmas Lawn Ornaments

"OH my God. What a train wreck!" I say as I round the corner of Hunter Avenue in the town I grew up in.

I HATE lawn Ornaments.

I look at the split level dark brown shingled ranch on the corner. Not a square inch of lawn is available.

There are lit up soldiers along the walkway.
A white lit up sleigh with a single reindeer
A snowglobe
there are candy cane lights strung around the yard.
A large bear in a Santa hat
more lit up reindeer
A large plastic santa
A large plastice snowman
Some Dickens Carolers from the days of yore ( LITERALLY).

the house was fascinating in it's awfulness. A little bit comforting too.... but largely facsinating.

My best friends parent's home has not changed much ever. Nor have they. Her mom answered the door - she looks the same and wonderful. Her dad gave me a big bear hug while he took a break from his video game with his grandson.

D looks fantastic. I haven't seen her 4 years. Since her littlest girl was in a carrier. Aimee is 6 now and quite the little girl. Mary is 10 and gorgeous. A bit of a tom boy. But remembered why I was funny and nice which was cool.

Chris looks the same and he and D make me laugh with their parenting. They are super at it. But so much themselves. It was as if no time had passed. literally. We caught up in the kitchen in the banquet which we both agreed had to go. We sat their picking on leftovers from Christmas dinner and drinking water and sodas and whatever was left around. I looked Aimee's drawings and Mary's stuffed animals. I laughed at chris' forcing the girls to go to bed and then needing Mary to get up and help him get out of his video game because he couldn't figure it out.

I laughed at D's parents going to bed while we were still sitting there yapping - every Christmas of our lives has gone like that and many many many other kinds of non event days.

I left at 11 and drove home exhausted. But happy. D and I had a good time.