Tis the season

It's March of 2017.

This time, 3 years ago, John was sick.  We thought it was a horrible virus/ cold that had been going around - and he well have had that  - but that's not really what made him feel so crappy.

For the past 2 years I have been ignoring this "season" or the "beginning of the end" in the hopes that I can glide through it and move on to the next phase aka "the day john died"

To back up and fill you in, since John died:

• His cat has died
• My grandmother has died
• His great nephew was born
• 2 nieces have gotten married
• both cars are road worthy
• we are down to one parking spot in our lot
• Our band is doing well
• our government is in shambles

So now I am in this season and I recognized that I was in it by the level of sleeplessness and full out insomnia that I am now experiencing.  Yoga, melatonin, meditation and Valium - nothing works. 

I tried ambien last night.  grogginess till about 2PM.  But I had to do something because I am starting to suffer from the long term effects of sleep deprivation.  

I have other alternatives now - I just had to get myself back on the right cycle. I was not falling asleep before 3-4AM and then I had to wake up 3-4 hours later. It's no way to live. I am much shorter on patience, I can't remember basic words and commonly used phrases and lastly my band has put in an enormous effort to memorize a large amount of music and now I've forgotten the first words to almost all of it. It's frustrating. 

So I am back to writing in the hopes that it will help. 

The Life and Times of The Contessa: A life lived in color is now Blackand White

The Life and Times of The Contessa: A life lived in color is now Black and White

This old post has new relevance.

With the death of my husband barely a month old, I was speaking to his niece, and she said she felt like the world was a little less bright without him in it. It sparked the memory of this post. 

Back then I was writing about my world being black and white when we weren't together. Meaning, when we were broken up.  When we resumed our relationship, my whole world sharpened into fast bright technicolor. 

I've been living happily in that technicolor HD world for 6 years. Married for just under 3. I can safely say that these 6 years have been the best years of my life.  I wouldn't trade them for anything. Except, of course, to have my husband back, as he was, with me. 

I realize that's not possible.  In the space of four months that technicolor started a  gradual fade out.  As was the case in our overall relationship it went back and forth between those two worlds.  Until one day I sat with him as he took his last breath and my whole whirl went straight to black and white. 

Black and white.  It's where I live now. 

Since his passing everything has gone wrong. Our condo was hit by lightning six dats after he passed knocking out the elevators and our intercom system.  One car needs a couple of thousand dollars worth of work and resides in the lot with a flat tire,  my laptop is barely working, his ashes are a week late in coming back, I have to rewrite my will. Select a new executor, and new health proxies, DNRs and DNIs signed, get my name on the plot with my husband so we can be together in the afterlife. I have to get the headstone and have both names put on it because you know someone will screw up the spelling of it. I have all the cremation jewelry picked out for the family.  And myself. Now I need a nice companion urn. Then today I had copyright things to deal with that he started and my license is suspended for a ticked I hot while he was dying. That's already firing dealt with so I'm not worried about but it's just one more thing. 

I'm tired all the time but can't sleep. I wake up when his night terrors would start. I no longer act on them, hut do still wake up. 

Black and white, It isn't right to hold me down and bleed me dry.  Cut the ties that keep me up and night and make me see myself in black and white. - The Staves. 

I always said this world was too hard for him. I'm starting to think it's too hard for me.

It sure is darker now, shining less brightly and in black and white. 

Wake me from this nightmare.