I have had a number of interesting revelations recently.
Revelation number 1: I've been hacked.
OK - chances are if you are reading this, you already know that. I don't exactly want or NEED to go into the details, but suffice it to say that someone, well, inappropriate, got their hands on my material and frankly, I wouldn't care in other circumstances, but I don't need added stress or pressure. So for the time being, the blog will remain on an invite only basis. I have invited all my normal readers, plus a couple who lurk now and again that I trust.
Lets leave it at that for now.
Revelation number 2: THe whore is not the problem
I have spent a lot of time blaming the whore for an untenable situation in my household. Now that I have met and seen her and spent time with her.... she has moved on from him. He's trying desparately to hold on. This, by the way, is not that uncommon with him. He's done it with every woman in his life to this very day. It has nothing to do with me. Logically and emotionally he's made a different choice and understands why it is the way it is. He just hasn't FULLY let go yet.
I will tell you that this brings a level of relief to me, actually. If it's only generated from him and not being returned, he'll move along appropriately. History shows me that. He has abondonment issues ( being addressed by his psych's now by the way) and this plays a major part in that.
Now that I am aware of it, I have relaxed a bit. Not all the way, mind you, but I have certainly relaxed a lot more with him. It shows in how we are relating now too. All good things.
Revelation Number 3: I have new skin care and it changed my life. And my skin. I am beyond thrilled with this company and their products and I haven't even bought them yet.... though that's coming soon... Swiss made botanical skin care. My face never looked this good. IN 2 and half days ( 5 uses) Jon noticed and my best friend noticed. Without prompting. I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the website. Try it, don't try it - but I am SOLD. Arbonne is the name. They make skin care, body care, spa treatments, supllements, weight loss, makeup, baby lines, teen lines, skin care for men, all very comprehensive. I will not lie and tell you it's drugstore quality or prices. But I will tell you a little goes a long way and it's worth every penny.
These are revelations in intelligence ( number 1), emotions ( number 2) and physical ( number 3). They have taken place over the past week.
I am proud of all of them.
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blogging. Show all posts
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Saturday, August 18, 2007
When I was just a little girl
When I was a little girl I would have been described as a "girly girl". I played with dolls, I played "house", yes I played "doctor" but not the lewd adult version everyone jokes about, I had a dollhouse that my dad made for me and my mom decorated ( that I still have at my brothers house). I loved frills and lace and hate anything practical.
I always planned to be "the mommy". I always expected to have a husband and a home and children and a dog. I expected to live in the exact same house that my parents had when I was small.
Somewhere after my parents divorce this plan of mine went away. Not even astray - just gone. I didn't care if I ever got married and I certainly didn't want children.
At 8 years old, on some level, security in relationships or lack thereof, was brought into a very specific relief. I had never seen my mom cry before, I helped pack my dad up to move and it never occured to me that this wasn't supposed to happen.
At this same early age, I learned that relationships are not only hard, but tenous at best. There is no home secure enough, no relationship strong enough on its own, to last without hard work from ALL parties. That means everyone who is involved. When one person shuts down, and stops contributing or working or even trying, it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it can be rebuilt and sometimes it can't.
As children, we tend to be dreamers. I always dreamed of being in love. As a baby and little girl, I was raised listening to the Carpenters ( gag) and Barry Manilow (Yeesh). As I got older and hit my teenage years, I listened to love songs. All of them, the happy ballads, the sad breakup tunes. I loved the all. I will admit to listening to Air Supply at one point and liking it. Can't stand them now, but know all the words.
What makes this important is that music and love have always been a part of my soul. They aren't and cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I listen to these songs and envision what they would, do or can mean in my life. I never really forget the songs and they come to my brain at strange times depending on how things are going.
In my heart of hearts, I always knew that love for me would be a huge challenge for me. That there was no way that my life was meant to meet someone, date, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, have kids, get the house, live thereafter till death us do part. I was, and am, convinced that the relationship that goes the distance was going to be frought with trials in the beginning.
I believed then as I do now two things about this. That good things come to those who wait and nothing worthwhile is easily attained. I am not in my 20's. And that is a good thing. If I had married in my 20's I can assure you I would be divorced by now.
The funny thing is, though I learned some definite negative behaviours as a child, I also learned some excellent ones also. I learned that marrying your best friend or having your spouse become your best friend is one of the ways to go, if you can make that work. That finding your prince charming does happen, even if you have to go through trial by fire to be with him. And as long as you are doing the right things by your self, then that trial by fire is the right thing. Honesty is truly the best policy and any relationship not based on that, is doomed to fail at some point.
All this history came to me this evening. I was looking at pictures of my childhood. All those happy and smiling faces. mostly mine. And thinking about the fact that in these pictures I am under the age of 8. And when I was 6, my dad changed jobs. He moved from "town I grew up in" to "town I currently live in" as director of music. This job change really shook up our lives. My parents divorced, my dad moved out, our house went up for sale.... and I met my best friend. Who was 18 at the time.
It sounds creepy right? It's only 12 years and doesn't matter today and who knew back then that we would be here?
But it gets better.
A close family friend of mine went to "Upstate State University" and is a year older than I am. He met his wife there. Her dearest friend turned out to be none other than.... my best friend's ex wife.
But it gets better than that. The close family friend is a close family friend because he is the step son of my dad's best friend, Kurt. Kurt, was changing jobs when I was 6. THis is how my dad got the job. Kurt left to go to "eastern school" and my dad took his job. But before that, Kurt was my best friends teacher.
Crazy right? I know.
Once I put it together in my mind, I knew I had to write it out here. Otherwise I might never remember it.
The whole bit with the love songs.... He's a musician and composer and that's his personal outlet. Ironic isn't it?
I look at my life now as product of many things. For one, I am at the point where I really cannot define what this relationship is. And I don't care. I am actually fine with no label. For now.
I have never been one to really come clean to those who count with what's in my heart for fear of rejection. Because my dad was rejected by my mom. I don't blame her - or him. That was a good decision in retrospect. But as a child that's how it looked to me. And I was the mature one. I can't tell you what it did to the younger kids.
So the fact that I verbalize my feelings to my closest friends, my best friend and this blog is a very big step for me. I was always embarassed to say these things for fear of being too "emo". I hate that term, because to me, it embodies a disparaging concept. As if it's not cool to have those kinds of feelings. I am feeling very free inside. Things aren't bottled up inside as much. Most importantly, I am able to convey my feelings to the people in my life who count without fear of retribution or even rejection.
I believe that some of my weight issues stem from this. I bottle things up and then used food as the outlet and comfort. It was easy to abuse food. Since I started communcating I am finding the weight loss easier. I almost don't eeven think about it as much as I used to,. I just eat when I am hungry, make sure I drink my water, my vitamins and get my fruits and veggies in and that's that. I don't worry about it as much. And the weight just comes off.
Even with having my best friend somewhat reject me, and then my attempt at rejecting him and then us fighting to be together in some fashion, we are communicating to each other and verbalizing the things that need to be verbalized. Honesty plays a huge roll in it as well.
I credit this blog, the people who read it and those who I read, for helping me to realize many of the things about myself that had been sitting there unaddressed, some which contribute to my weight issue since I have used food to compensate for years, and most importantly, to communicate my feelings better and making sure that the people I love, know it.
I always planned to be "the mommy". I always expected to have a husband and a home and children and a dog. I expected to live in the exact same house that my parents had when I was small.
Somewhere after my parents divorce this plan of mine went away. Not even astray - just gone. I didn't care if I ever got married and I certainly didn't want children.
At 8 years old, on some level, security in relationships or lack thereof, was brought into a very specific relief. I had never seen my mom cry before, I helped pack my dad up to move and it never occured to me that this wasn't supposed to happen.
At this same early age, I learned that relationships are not only hard, but tenous at best. There is no home secure enough, no relationship strong enough on its own, to last without hard work from ALL parties. That means everyone who is involved. When one person shuts down, and stops contributing or working or even trying, it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it can be rebuilt and sometimes it can't.
As children, we tend to be dreamers. I always dreamed of being in love. As a baby and little girl, I was raised listening to the Carpenters ( gag) and Barry Manilow (Yeesh). As I got older and hit my teenage years, I listened to love songs. All of them, the happy ballads, the sad breakup tunes. I loved the all. I will admit to listening to Air Supply at one point and liking it. Can't stand them now, but know all the words.
What makes this important is that music and love have always been a part of my soul. They aren't and cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I listen to these songs and envision what they would, do or can mean in my life. I never really forget the songs and they come to my brain at strange times depending on how things are going.
In my heart of hearts, I always knew that love for me would be a huge challenge for me. That there was no way that my life was meant to meet someone, date, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, have kids, get the house, live thereafter till death us do part. I was, and am, convinced that the relationship that goes the distance was going to be frought with trials in the beginning.
I believed then as I do now two things about this. That good things come to those who wait and nothing worthwhile is easily attained. I am not in my 20's. And that is a good thing. If I had married in my 20's I can assure you I would be divorced by now.
The funny thing is, though I learned some definite negative behaviours as a child, I also learned some excellent ones also. I learned that marrying your best friend or having your spouse become your best friend is one of the ways to go, if you can make that work. That finding your prince charming does happen, even if you have to go through trial by fire to be with him. And as long as you are doing the right things by your self, then that trial by fire is the right thing. Honesty is truly the best policy and any relationship not based on that, is doomed to fail at some point.
All this history came to me this evening. I was looking at pictures of my childhood. All those happy and smiling faces. mostly mine. And thinking about the fact that in these pictures I am under the age of 8. And when I was 6, my dad changed jobs. He moved from "town I grew up in" to "town I currently live in" as director of music. This job change really shook up our lives. My parents divorced, my dad moved out, our house went up for sale.... and I met my best friend. Who was 18 at the time.
It sounds creepy right? It's only 12 years and doesn't matter today and who knew back then that we would be here?
But it gets better.
A close family friend of mine went to "Upstate State University" and is a year older than I am. He met his wife there. Her dearest friend turned out to be none other than.... my best friend's ex wife.
But it gets better than that. The close family friend is a close family friend because he is the step son of my dad's best friend, Kurt. Kurt, was changing jobs when I was 6. THis is how my dad got the job. Kurt left to go to "eastern school" and my dad took his job. But before that, Kurt was my best friends teacher.
Crazy right? I know.
Once I put it together in my mind, I knew I had to write it out here. Otherwise I might never remember it.
The whole bit with the love songs.... He's a musician and composer and that's his personal outlet. Ironic isn't it?
I look at my life now as product of many things. For one, I am at the point where I really cannot define what this relationship is. And I don't care. I am actually fine with no label. For now.
I have never been one to really come clean to those who count with what's in my heart for fear of rejection. Because my dad was rejected by my mom. I don't blame her - or him. That was a good decision in retrospect. But as a child that's how it looked to me. And I was the mature one. I can't tell you what it did to the younger kids.
So the fact that I verbalize my feelings to my closest friends, my best friend and this blog is a very big step for me. I was always embarassed to say these things for fear of being too "emo". I hate that term, because to me, it embodies a disparaging concept. As if it's not cool to have those kinds of feelings. I am feeling very free inside. Things aren't bottled up inside as much. Most importantly, I am able to convey my feelings to the people in my life who count without fear of retribution or even rejection.
I believe that some of my weight issues stem from this. I bottle things up and then used food as the outlet and comfort. It was easy to abuse food. Since I started communcating I am finding the weight loss easier. I almost don't eeven think about it as much as I used to,. I just eat when I am hungry, make sure I drink my water, my vitamins and get my fruits and veggies in and that's that. I don't worry about it as much. And the weight just comes off.
Even with having my best friend somewhat reject me, and then my attempt at rejecting him and then us fighting to be together in some fashion, we are communicating to each other and verbalizing the things that need to be verbalized. Honesty plays a huge roll in it as well.
I credit this blog, the people who read it and those who I read, for helping me to realize many of the things about myself that had been sitting there unaddressed, some which contribute to my weight issue since I have used food to compensate for years, and most importantly, to communicate my feelings better and making sure that the people I love, know it.
Friday, July 06, 2007
The conundrum
This day could not get any stranger in terms of information if it tried.
I heard from my best friend today. As I mentioned in yesterdays post, his brother had another surgical procedure that has put him in tremendous pain, but they brought him home today. Unfortunately, they did outpatient training on one family member ( best friend) and the nursing company will not touch it. I just quietly listened to him as he spoke. He was again respectful and very nice, but I could hear how much effort was going into that. Not due to me, but due to the anger that he is realing with over having nurses who can't help because of red tape and paperwork. This means that he needs to be there all the time.
I asked if there was anything I could do. He asked me if I wanted to be trained to help feed his brother. Feeling positively awful, I had to decline. I can't do that. I couldn't do that with my own dad. I know it's just not a good idea. What if something happened to him? I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else, so he asked if I would turn pages for him while his brother reads ( he can't). Now THAT I can do.
He mentioned trying to get over here this weekend to talk. I told him that our issues will survive another week if need be, he needs to get a schedule and plan in place for his brother first.
He told me he canceled his class and his gigs. I was acutely disappointed. This is just another step backwards for him.
I could be wrong on this, but I feel that he is hostage to this situation. A willing one.
Yes, it's not my problem directly, but I feel like it does affect me to a degree. Not because I feel badly about his brother, because I do, and certainly not because I fully understand the draining of your life that this becomes, because I do. But because it's robbing a person I love of their own will to live. I don't mean live as opposed to die. I mean living in a shadow of a life.
All I want to do right now it is hug him and hold him and tell him that he is loved and that he is appreciated even when it is not said, or shown.
And I can't.
I spoke to step mom tonight. It was a perfectly lovely and fun conversation. Given the family connection with this other family, I mentioned the situation. She counceled me the same way that I ended up going. She basically said,
"You are a good person with a huge heart. You would do it out of the goodness that is you. And if something happened, you would never forgive yourself. "
She was right. We talked some more about how the situation is robbing my best friend of his life when she popped out with,
"You know, this is why your dad objected to him in the first place. He hadn't found himself yet and he was already in his 40's. Now he's in his 50's and he has a perfectly legit excuse for why he doesn't need to find himself. He has to fight it and the hardest thing in the world is fighting against your own family. But each day he loses a piece of himself. Eveyone knows how you two feel about each other. Your dad knew. He just wasn't comfortable with it. "
Now, this actually is very interesting. I had heard this from her one other time, but when it's said in anger by her, you can't always tell where the honesty is. So I never paid it mind. She repeated it verbatim tonight in a good secure way, so it has to be true. My dad would never have told me. But he would have told his wife to be sure.
what makes it so interesting is this is exactly what my best friend said to me. He thought very seriously about marrying me and how easy that would be. But he has no future. blah blah blah, I'm not writing the rest of it, you can go back to older posts to see the details on this part.
I just think it's very odd that my dad thought these things ( The two of them liked each other VERY much when I wasn't involved in the equation) and that my best friend echoed those parentaly concerns in our "what do we do now" conversation. ( It's still pending by the way).
I'm on an information overload today. I keep walking around the house in circles. I can't sit still for long. I try to practice and can't. I can't sit through a 30 minute sitcom, I'm tired but can't sleep. Eating, however, isn't a problem. Not excessive but not a problem. I just feel like I am at loose ends.
My poor faithful readers. When I started this blog, it was not supposed to go this way. But then I never intended or expected this whole scenario to happen. I started this blog as a way to write through the episodes of my life in a fair and constructive fashion that would help me learn more about myself and to handle life's curveballs better. This blog has certainly done that. Even in this situation, it really has. I am awed by your support and immeasurably comforted b by your presence in reading. I expect to be repetitive. I expect to be dramatic. I expect to have you ripping your own hair out, yelling "DON'T YOU GET IT YET?", I expect all of that to happen. I am trying to manage it better so that it's not so irritating in print.
I heard from my best friend today. As I mentioned in yesterdays post, his brother had another surgical procedure that has put him in tremendous pain, but they brought him home today. Unfortunately, they did outpatient training on one family member ( best friend) and the nursing company will not touch it. I just quietly listened to him as he spoke. He was again respectful and very nice, but I could hear how much effort was going into that. Not due to me, but due to the anger that he is realing with over having nurses who can't help because of red tape and paperwork. This means that he needs to be there all the time.
I asked if there was anything I could do. He asked me if I wanted to be trained to help feed his brother. Feeling positively awful, I had to decline. I can't do that. I couldn't do that with my own dad. I know it's just not a good idea. What if something happened to him? I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else, so he asked if I would turn pages for him while his brother reads ( he can't). Now THAT I can do.
He mentioned trying to get over here this weekend to talk. I told him that our issues will survive another week if need be, he needs to get a schedule and plan in place for his brother first.
He told me he canceled his class and his gigs. I was acutely disappointed. This is just another step backwards for him.
I could be wrong on this, but I feel that he is hostage to this situation. A willing one.
Yes, it's not my problem directly, but I feel like it does affect me to a degree. Not because I feel badly about his brother, because I do, and certainly not because I fully understand the draining of your life that this becomes, because I do. But because it's robbing a person I love of their own will to live. I don't mean live as opposed to die. I mean living in a shadow of a life.
All I want to do right now it is hug him and hold him and tell him that he is loved and that he is appreciated even when it is not said, or shown.
And I can't.
I spoke to step mom tonight. It was a perfectly lovely and fun conversation. Given the family connection with this other family, I mentioned the situation. She counceled me the same way that I ended up going. She basically said,
"You are a good person with a huge heart. You would do it out of the goodness that is you. And if something happened, you would never forgive yourself. "
She was right. We talked some more about how the situation is robbing my best friend of his life when she popped out with,
"You know, this is why your dad objected to him in the first place. He hadn't found himself yet and he was already in his 40's. Now he's in his 50's and he has a perfectly legit excuse for why he doesn't need to find himself. He has to fight it and the hardest thing in the world is fighting against your own family. But each day he loses a piece of himself. Eveyone knows how you two feel about each other. Your dad knew. He just wasn't comfortable with it. "
Now, this actually is very interesting. I had heard this from her one other time, but when it's said in anger by her, you can't always tell where the honesty is. So I never paid it mind. She repeated it verbatim tonight in a good secure way, so it has to be true. My dad would never have told me. But he would have told his wife to be sure.
what makes it so interesting is this is exactly what my best friend said to me. He thought very seriously about marrying me and how easy that would be. But he has no future. blah blah blah, I'm not writing the rest of it, you can go back to older posts to see the details on this part.
I just think it's very odd that my dad thought these things ( The two of them liked each other VERY much when I wasn't involved in the equation) and that my best friend echoed those parentaly concerns in our "what do we do now" conversation. ( It's still pending by the way).
I'm on an information overload today. I keep walking around the house in circles. I can't sit still for long. I try to practice and can't. I can't sit through a 30 minute sitcom, I'm tired but can't sleep. Eating, however, isn't a problem. Not excessive but not a problem. I just feel like I am at loose ends.
My poor faithful readers. When I started this blog, it was not supposed to go this way. But then I never intended or expected this whole scenario to happen. I started this blog as a way to write through the episodes of my life in a fair and constructive fashion that would help me learn more about myself and to handle life's curveballs better. This blog has certainly done that. Even in this situation, it really has. I am awed by your support and immeasurably comforted b by your presence in reading. I expect to be repetitive. I expect to be dramatic. I expect to have you ripping your own hair out, yelling "DON'T YOU GET IT YET?", I expect all of that to happen. I am trying to manage it better so that it's not so irritating in print.
Friday, June 22, 2007
Act 1 Scene 2 - Letters to God
In this scene we find the Contessa sitting at her desk, a lovely antique secretaire, at her laptop, with her morning coffee, furiously pecking at the keys despite her long manicured fingernails.
Musing to self:
I have been finding prayer and meditation difficult lately. I've been getting distracted in the midst of it.
So I started writing letters to God in my personal journal. I find that when I do this in the morning, or as the mood strikes me, I get out the feelings I need to. I tend to write about my personal needs lately but that's OK.
Once I sit down at my desk, with my water, coffee, juice whatever, I feel better able to go about my day after having written the letter. Two days in, with some trials and tribulations out there, things are being handled better for me and by me. I feel more confident in my decisions and the signs that I need to help me make the decisions are being seen but I am still challenged in how to read them.
In writing letters to God, there is less chance that I will forget something that's important. there is a better chance for some better self discovery and I can be as honest as I need to and dnot worry about hurting anyone or having people read these letters and think "That Contessa is loco loco loco!" or "That Contessa doesn't understand at ALL".
I have a tendancy to waffle on decisions that I need to make because I have been raised to think things through, ponder all sides and make sure that I am fully educated on the facts so that I make the best decision for me. So I tend to wait while the jury is out.
But in the meantime, I can write my opinions and feelings down in my personal letters to God as well as in this blog.
Cut to phone ringing - cell phone.
The contessa answers the phone. She is surprised at the caller and is quiet as she listens.
She is a little bit short in the discussionary points and finally asks the caller to please call her home phone as the reception is difficult.
She knows what the caller is going to say, though they have been hemming and hawing on the phone....
The phone rings on her desk. She answers it and says:
"That's much better. Now what is it you are trying to tell me?"
" You may not want to come down to Merrick tonight" the caller says.
"Oh???? I wasn't planning to. You need a break from my presence there" She replies
"No - no I don't. I just wanted you to know that there might be someone there that you won't want to see and I am just doing the right thing and making you aware" The caller says.
" Well I appreciate that. However maybe I need a break from going down there. " She replies.
The call continues on a more sociable level after that but there is some slight tension in the air. Some plans are made and discussed and changed. Whether or not they pan out is to remain seen...
Once she hangs up, she returns to work. She has things to do while it's still quiet at the office.
About one hour later:
The contessa can be seen lying face down in the middle of her bed. Just laying there. Doing absolutely nothing.
She picks up her head and stares at the orange cat lying on the pillow. She reaches for her book and reads for a little while.
She gets up, looks at the time and wanders back to the living room, followed by golden eyed, orange cat.
She calls her best girl friend. Every leading lady has one, and this one is hers. She listens as her dear friend recounts her troubles and frustrations. Her friend has a lot on her plate as well. They discuss things through,
The contessa speaks to her friends' little girls, that always picks her spirits up. Then her friend comes back on line and The contessa shares part of her letter to God and the phone call she received. They discuss it at length and The Contessa confirms that friend was right in the first place and her friend offers the comment that the sign the Contessa thought she got last night, may not have been interpreted right or the right sign or even a sign altogether.
The contessa agree's. They hang up.
The Contessa goes back to work. She wraps up what she needs to for the day and heads out to teach. Knowing that she is not going to Merrick that night, she doesn't need to re-shower and dress up, so she doesn't. A less than dressy outfit would almost ENSURE that a change of heart wouldn't happen. The Contessa is not a stupid woman.
We end our scene with the Contessa, back at the antique secretaire with a glass of water, finishing this Blog post. She has since written another letter to God as well as completed this Blogpost. She is feeling relaxed. She has since taught three lessons and practiced singing an aria from Rossini's Barber of Seville in Italian. She attempted to watch the DVDs of two performances in the last two years but couldn't stand her stage presence and gave up....
The letters to God are a wonderful tool and while they don't replace prayer, it helps get the important points on the table so that they can be prioritized when prayer time comes.
"Prayers are always answered. Even if it's not the way you anticipated."
End Scene.
And .....................
Cut.
Musing to self:
I have been finding prayer and meditation difficult lately. I've been getting distracted in the midst of it.
So I started writing letters to God in my personal journal. I find that when I do this in the morning, or as the mood strikes me, I get out the feelings I need to. I tend to write about my personal needs lately but that's OK.
Once I sit down at my desk, with my water, coffee, juice whatever, I feel better able to go about my day after having written the letter. Two days in, with some trials and tribulations out there, things are being handled better for me and by me. I feel more confident in my decisions and the signs that I need to help me make the decisions are being seen but I am still challenged in how to read them.
In writing letters to God, there is less chance that I will forget something that's important. there is a better chance for some better self discovery and I can be as honest as I need to and dnot worry about hurting anyone or having people read these letters and think "That Contessa is loco loco loco!" or "That Contessa doesn't understand at ALL".
I have a tendancy to waffle on decisions that I need to make because I have been raised to think things through, ponder all sides and make sure that I am fully educated on the facts so that I make the best decision for me. So I tend to wait while the jury is out.
But in the meantime, I can write my opinions and feelings down in my personal letters to God as well as in this blog.
Cut to phone ringing - cell phone.
The contessa answers the phone. She is surprised at the caller and is quiet as she listens.
She is a little bit short in the discussionary points and finally asks the caller to please call her home phone as the reception is difficult.
She knows what the caller is going to say, though they have been hemming and hawing on the phone....
The phone rings on her desk. She answers it and says:
"That's much better. Now what is it you are trying to tell me?"
" You may not want to come down to Merrick tonight" the caller says.
"Oh???? I wasn't planning to. You need a break from my presence there" She replies
"No - no I don't. I just wanted you to know that there might be someone there that you won't want to see and I am just doing the right thing and making you aware" The caller says.
" Well I appreciate that. However maybe I need a break from going down there. " She replies.
The call continues on a more sociable level after that but there is some slight tension in the air. Some plans are made and discussed and changed. Whether or not they pan out is to remain seen...
Once she hangs up, she returns to work. She has things to do while it's still quiet at the office.
About one hour later:
The contessa can be seen lying face down in the middle of her bed. Just laying there. Doing absolutely nothing.
She picks up her head and stares at the orange cat lying on the pillow. She reaches for her book and reads for a little while.
She gets up, looks at the time and wanders back to the living room, followed by golden eyed, orange cat.
She calls her best girl friend. Every leading lady has one, and this one is hers. She listens as her dear friend recounts her troubles and frustrations. Her friend has a lot on her plate as well. They discuss things through,
The contessa speaks to her friends' little girls, that always picks her spirits up. Then her friend comes back on line and The contessa shares part of her letter to God and the phone call she received. They discuss it at length and The Contessa confirms that friend was right in the first place and her friend offers the comment that the sign the Contessa thought she got last night, may not have been interpreted right or the right sign or even a sign altogether.
The contessa agree's. They hang up.
The Contessa goes back to work. She wraps up what she needs to for the day and heads out to teach. Knowing that she is not going to Merrick that night, she doesn't need to re-shower and dress up, so she doesn't. A less than dressy outfit would almost ENSURE that a change of heart wouldn't happen. The Contessa is not a stupid woman.
We end our scene with the Contessa, back at the antique secretaire with a glass of water, finishing this Blog post. She has since written another letter to God as well as completed this Blogpost. She is feeling relaxed. She has since taught three lessons and practiced singing an aria from Rossini's Barber of Seville in Italian. She attempted to watch the DVDs of two performances in the last two years but couldn't stand her stage presence and gave up....
The letters to God are a wonderful tool and while they don't replace prayer, it helps get the important points on the table so that they can be prioritized when prayer time comes.
"Prayers are always answered. Even if it's not the way you anticipated."
End Scene.
And .....................
Cut.
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Looking at the positive
I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.
On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.
That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).
As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.
As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"
I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.
If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.
I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.
But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.
This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.
That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.
I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.
Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.
She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.
Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.
One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.
It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.
But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.
Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.
When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.
An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.
We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.
Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.
So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.
Some things I am proud of:
1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.
I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.
I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )
On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.
That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).
As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.
As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"
I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.
If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.
I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.
But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.
This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.
That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.
I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.
Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.
She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.
Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.
One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.
It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.
But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.
Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.
When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.
An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.
We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.
Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.
So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.
Some things I am proud of:
1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.
I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.
I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )
Monday, May 21, 2007
My life is a movie Soundtrack
I have been wanting to do this for some time.... Maple Mama inspired me months ago, but alas my IPOD was not really up to the task till now:
How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …
Here are mine.
Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins
First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble
Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South
Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee
Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5
Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming
Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago
Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago
Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes
Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin
Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)
End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa
I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....
How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …
Here are mine.
Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins
First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble
Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South
Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee
Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5
Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming
Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago
Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago
Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes
Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin
Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)
End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa
I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....
Monday, April 16, 2007
Untitled Post
Today was the second Sunday of Easter.
THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.
I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.
I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.
Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.
But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?
Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?
I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.
You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.
It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).
In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"
My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.
THe Gospel of choice in Christian based churches was about THomas - doubting Thomas.
I adore my priest. He's young ( my age roughly). He spoke of his worst year. The year he couldn't wait to have over. He mentioned that he was in a job he hated, a church that wasn't comfortable, a masters program that wasn't working for him, family was having issues and he was alone. He went on to mention that good friends will stay with you and help you see the sun on the dark days, good friends will walk with you when you need them too and sometimes carry you when that's required.
I have to be honest, somehow that tied into the Gospel for today. I really didn't get past those last words. They are very true. And the ones who do this often times come from places you don't expect.
Bernie's version was a little bit different.... A friend will help you move, a best friend will help you move a body. Same idea - with his unique twist of humor.
But the part that gets confusing is when the problems are with one of the "best friends". That's where we deal differently and it's subtle, very subtle and it needs to be handled delicately to a degree so as not to shake the foundation up too much. Right?
Or is it? Do you avoid? Do you confront? Do you pretend everything is normal and hope the awkwardness goes away?
I don't know the answers here.... but that's actually OK for now. Because I have other friends who are carrying and CARING for me right now when I need them.
You all know who you are.... Thank you for caring about me enough to help me through this. It's tough on me, but I am taking this to a higher power sometime this week. I have a wonderful counselor in my priest and I have talked over things with him of significantly more importance in the scheme of my life. In reading some of your blogs, you picked me up and carried me when you were not in an optimal place for yourselves. And in light of that..... I am grateful. Very, truly blessed and grateful.
It is kind of Strange though. While it's very important to me, I can't help taking a step back and thinking "how junior high is this?" or worse yet "This is embarassng to be dealing with when there are people out there grieving for lost loved ones, war, rape, death, illness...." But in the end, its still real to me and not going away. It's just dulled a bit after a lot of tears and then some sleep, then more tears. I prayed a lot this morning. Shortly I will be heading to bed and I will pray again. I have had several discussions with my dad ( don't look at me like that, I know he's dead. I still talk to the man and sometimes, when it's important, that's when I get my answers! ).
In fact, a problem solving technique that I like to employ is to shelve the problem until a set date and time. Anytime it comes up, you repeat some lovely mantra or phrase that works for you. Mine is " Put down the problem and step away! It's not to be touched until ____"
My timetable here is not reliant on me. But I am not going to address the issue before April 20. If it's forced prior to that, I'll cross that bridge then.
Monday, April 09, 2007
How much to say in a blogpost
I have some things in the hopper right now and I can't bring myself to post about them publicly yet.
Things like work, I can't put in publish mode. Not the gut wrenching brutally honest ones at any rate. For all good reasons.
But I was reading a book the other day. It's an old book that I read as teen an I kept the trio around because the author is very profound though she chooses to address the teen set. However, as an adult, I read these books from time to time on a different but yet the similar perspective as I did when I was younger.
Madeleine L'Engle wrote The Wrinkle in time series - wonderful. But the "Meet the Austins" Series is the one I keep around. A Ring of Endless light is an amazing story of a teenaged girl struggling with the death of a granndparent while living with her family at her grandparents home. She is also simultaneously dealing with boys and love, siblings and growing up in general. None of which is easy at any age. She is a poet.
The perspective I have now on this particular story is interesting. I used to identify with our Heroine, Vicky, most of the time. I still do in strange ways, but I find myself identifying with all the other characters in the story. Like the Widow who becomes the nurse to Vicky's grandfather. Her husband dies saving someone from drowning right in the first chapter of the story. He leaves behind two sons. One is younger thanVicky ( her younger sisters age in fact ) and the other is going off to college in the fall.
The widow speaks to her sons about grief in the book. It's a very short moment, but it always stuck with me. It's about life and death. Its about affirmations of life when tragedy strikes. The conversation between our heroine and dthe widow's eldest son seems pertinent to me right now....
It rang true. "Let's concentrate on eating, then. For now." Then I asked, "Have you been hungry too?"
"Famished. I talked to my mom about it, and she expained about it being an urge to live. When Dad's father died, he had a heart attack unexpectedly, just like dad - they wept, and then they made love. And she showed me that this wasn't being disrespectful but a-- what did she call it? An affirmation of the goodness of life."
Since the title of this post is "How much to say in a blogpost", the answer is clear to me right now on this topic. The quote says all of what I need to say right now.
Blogging is interesting. I am an honest person by definition but I notice that I am careful with how and what I write lest I offend someone close to me. And I can tell you that I have had one friend me why I felt a particular way about them when I met them. It wasn't a bad thing, just a timing thing. I am sensitive to others feelings and even when they may drive me crazy, I won't write what I am feeling at the time, because worse than saying things you don't mean, is writing them. It sits there in cyberspace eternally in print. Just like words spoken can sit on the soul forever.
So not writing what I want to write at this point is a little bit troublesome, but I will get it sorted at some point and write something appropriate thats deferential to others. I just can't break a confidentiality agreement that I sign for work on paper, or a verbal one that I make to myself or a friend. I will wait it out till I can put my feelings into appropriate words that only affect me and no one else.
Things like work, I can't put in publish mode. Not the gut wrenching brutally honest ones at any rate. For all good reasons.
But I was reading a book the other day. It's an old book that I read as teen an I kept the trio around because the author is very profound though she chooses to address the teen set. However, as an adult, I read these books from time to time on a different but yet the similar perspective as I did when I was younger.
Madeleine L'Engle wrote The Wrinkle in time series - wonderful. But the "Meet the Austins" Series is the one I keep around. A Ring of Endless light is an amazing story of a teenaged girl struggling with the death of a granndparent while living with her family at her grandparents home. She is also simultaneously dealing with boys and love, siblings and growing up in general. None of which is easy at any age. She is a poet.
The perspective I have now on this particular story is interesting. I used to identify with our Heroine, Vicky, most of the time. I still do in strange ways, but I find myself identifying with all the other characters in the story. Like the Widow who becomes the nurse to Vicky's grandfather. Her husband dies saving someone from drowning right in the first chapter of the story. He leaves behind two sons. One is younger thanVicky ( her younger sisters age in fact ) and the other is going off to college in the fall.
The widow speaks to her sons about grief in the book. It's a very short moment, but it always stuck with me. It's about life and death. Its about affirmations of life when tragedy strikes. The conversation between our heroine and dthe widow's eldest son seems pertinent to me right now....
" Why have I been so hungry all summer?" I asked
"Because eating is a part of life. So is loving" It rang true. "Let's concentrate on eating, then. For now." Then I asked, "Have you been hungry too?"
"Famished. I talked to my mom about it, and she expained about it being an urge to live. When Dad's father died, he had a heart attack unexpectedly, just like dad - they wept, and then they made love. And she showed me that this wasn't being disrespectful but a-- what did she call it? An affirmation of the goodness of life."
-Madeleine L'Engle, A Ring of Endless Light
Since the title of this post is "How much to say in a blogpost", the answer is clear to me right now on this topic. The quote says all of what I need to say right now.
Blogging is interesting. I am an honest person by definition but I notice that I am careful with how and what I write lest I offend someone close to me. And I can tell you that I have had one friend me why I felt a particular way about them when I met them. It wasn't a bad thing, just a timing thing. I am sensitive to others feelings and even when they may drive me crazy, I won't write what I am feeling at the time, because worse than saying things you don't mean, is writing them. It sits there in cyberspace eternally in print. Just like words spoken can sit on the soul forever.
So not writing what I want to write at this point is a little bit troublesome, but I will get it sorted at some point and write something appropriate thats deferential to others. I just can't break a confidentiality agreement that I sign for work on paper, or a verbal one that I make to myself or a friend. I will wait it out till I can put my feelings into appropriate words that only affect me and no one else.
Friday, February 23, 2007
10 Weird Things about Me
Interestingly enough I usually Blog first and read blogs second. Tonight I read first as I was struggling with a topic - and low and behold I got tagged by Post-Doc!
So - here are my 10 Weird Things about me
1. I have a passion to own personal products. Consequently I have more moisturizers. bronzers and makeup than any human should. And I use ALL of it.
2. I take my cats for walks in the hall. They think its "outside" and it usually gets rid of some exess energy for them
3. Speaking of the hall, I dance up and down my hall - when no one is looking! Usually a waltz step or cha cha.
4. Since I was child, I can quote lines EXACTLY from movies - even if I only saw the movie once.
5. I tend to watch one or two movies, TV shows or listen to songs repeatedly until I tire of them annd move on.
6. I secretly love Van Halen. And Whitney Houston. and now its not secret!
7. I think I was born in the wrong generation. I so long for a period of time that was long before I was born - the early days of Frank Sinatra, Lucille Ball - the glamour of Hollywood in its prime and the value set that permeated the country. I actually miss something I never experienced.
8. I have perfect pitch. Frankly it's a bother. Other than getting me straight 4.0's in college sight singing classes and making me a fabulous sight singer now, its a real headache - and NOT a bragging point either.
9. I love to play practical jokes and am very good at it.
10. When I get an adrenelyn rush for any reason, my hands go numb in a flash and then tingle. Not sure if that's a normal response but it's been like that my whole life. Maybe it was foreshadowing on the carpal tunnel I am developing now!
I guess I have to tag someone now. I really don' t know the protocol so if I am doing it wrong please correct me! We are going to tag Peet Fointed, Bernie's World, Maple Mama and Sierra Sedan.
So - here are my 10 Weird Things about me
1. I have a passion to own personal products. Consequently I have more moisturizers. bronzers and makeup than any human should. And I use ALL of it.
2. I take my cats for walks in the hall. They think its "outside" and it usually gets rid of some exess energy for them
3. Speaking of the hall, I dance up and down my hall - when no one is looking! Usually a waltz step or cha cha.
4. Since I was child, I can quote lines EXACTLY from movies - even if I only saw the movie once.
5. I tend to watch one or two movies, TV shows or listen to songs repeatedly until I tire of them annd move on.
6. I secretly love Van Halen. And Whitney Houston. and now its not secret!
7. I think I was born in the wrong generation. I so long for a period of time that was long before I was born - the early days of Frank Sinatra, Lucille Ball - the glamour of Hollywood in its prime and the value set that permeated the country. I actually miss something I never experienced.
8. I have perfect pitch. Frankly it's a bother. Other than getting me straight 4.0's in college sight singing classes and making me a fabulous sight singer now, its a real headache - and NOT a bragging point either.
9. I love to play practical jokes and am very good at it.
10. When I get an adrenelyn rush for any reason, my hands go numb in a flash and then tingle. Not sure if that's a normal response but it's been like that my whole life. Maybe it was foreshadowing on the carpal tunnel I am developing now!
I guess I have to tag someone now. I really don' t know the protocol so if I am doing it wrong please correct me! We are going to tag Peet Fointed, Bernie's World, Maple Mama and Sierra Sedan.
Monday, February 19, 2007
Life Makeovers
I have started a new project.
I was going through my bookcases and found not one but two copies of a book I had purchased many years ago and started but never finished.
It was a wonderful book and I am sorry that I stopped it.
So I made the decision to start it again.
In the spirit of Blogging and to keep my thoughts straight, I began a new Blog called The Contessa's Life Makovers.
This Blog will specifically deal with the book and the weekly exercizes. There will be one post per week at first, on Tuesdays, on the exericise from the week prior and the plan on the week coming. At some point, I will add interim posts that will detail my progress towards the weeks end.
I would love it if any of you want to join me. The book is titled Life Makeovers and is written by Cheryl Richardson.
I was going through my bookcases and found not one but two copies of a book I had purchased many years ago and started but never finished.
It was a wonderful book and I am sorry that I stopped it.
So I made the decision to start it again.
In the spirit of Blogging and to keep my thoughts straight, I began a new Blog called The Contessa's Life Makovers.
This Blog will specifically deal with the book and the weekly exercizes. There will be one post per week at first, on Tuesdays, on the exericise from the week prior and the plan on the week coming. At some point, I will add interim posts that will detail my progress towards the weeks end.
I would love it if any of you want to join me. The book is titled Life Makeovers and is written by Cheryl Richardson.
Wednesday, September 13, 2006
A new look for The Contessa
Well folks - its done - for now....
I have made Blogger my new home. Myspace just wasn't cutting it. For one thing it was more difficult to manipulate beyond basic text and for another, well, it just didn't have the cool bells and whistles that Blogger does.
I had original blogger up for a couple of days but beta blogger is sooo cool, I migrated the site immediately. Makes my life so much easier. I hate HTML seriously. I used to write code for a living and I hate it. So anything to NOT write code is a blessing for me.
I migrated my Former blog into Blogger by date, so its all here. My first actual post on Blogger was yesterday. So much better and I love to be able to write and save drafts. Then I don't forget my topics and Ideas. Which I do. As I have said in previous posts, I am so busy and I do so much that an idea will come to me and I will make a mental note to Blog on it, and then its gone. Can't use Sticky notes like Sierra does, that throws a challenge down to the cats. Those are fluorescent pink toys to them.
I really like my new look now too. I will play with it and tweak it as I find out more about the new bells and whistles in beta blogger.
So Let me know what you think!
The Contessa
