The universe and it's messages

It's really interesting.

When something happens to you that on the surface looks bad, how do you react? What does it mean?

I recently found myself on the receiving end of the 11AM phone call on a RIF day. I have only heard about it up to then and I have to tell you it's every bit as bad as you think it's going to be.

For me, the worst part is how it tore my boss apart to have to make that call to not one of his team leads ( me) but both. He lost his top two producers that day and the team is likely to be disbanded before the year is out.

For the past two decades I have had two phases of my career. The first 10 years, I affectionately refer to as my 20's I look back at on my 30th birthday. I was unhappy with the look of my life. Work was my only priority. I gave up things in favor of my job.

That job ending ,a month before I turned 30, forced me to evaluate what I was doing and what direction I wanted my life to go in. I got my new job which had me commuting to NYC each day and I was worshipped and revered by my company and clients.

That was 2 weeks AFTER I turned 30. A total of 6 weeks out of work. I never even filed for unemployment!

Of course, the economy was better. At least initially. I managed to work at MCI after it turned into WCOM and we all know how THAT ended, then back to MCI then Verizon then VerizonBusiness.

Turning 40 and having lost my job a month later in an economy that is so poor and frightening right now, made me review my life and my choices.

I have a lot of fear in me. I was always a fearful child. I didn't like change - I still don't.

I was afraid that as the primary household breadwinner, now out of work, my household would collapse. It didn't.

I was afraid my partner was secretly only here for the money - he isn't.

I was afraid that losing my job was somehow my fault - it wasn't.

I was afraid that unemployment would turn me down - they didn't.

I am afraid that the money will run out. Jon had a plan. A good one. And without my knowledge or discussion met me and some friends for what I affectionately refer to as our Pub crawl last week and started talking to restaurants about himself and us. We can earn money with our music.

He decided that I was right about that business. Merge my performing and teaching with his performing and voila - a business has formed.

We are not yet incorporated though that is in discussion and a plan is being worked out - but what we are doing in preparation for that day, is collecting our receipts and creating a business plan and operating as if we were already incorporated.

Being the finance and VP to be - I am being VERY prudent with the package I got. I paid off the car - I own it fully now. We use it as the primary vehicle except for gigs because it is the car that's in better condition and newer. I paid all the insurance for the year - homeowners and car. All other bills are current or ahead.

Financially we are somewhat secure. For awhile.

I continue every day to network and try to find a job while working at the new business with additional fervor.

For me, the issue is still change. I'm less afraid of it now. Jon doesn't let me get afraid, he jumps ahead and anticipates my reaction - as much as he can. Its still hit or miss but I can't deny it has made this life transition so much easier in many respects.

We have joined the Rec Center here in town and I now work out several times a week. We got his bike fixed so we can ride together. We go to concerts or bands and hang with our friends a couple of nights a week. I am amazed at how free this feels and I am actually enjoying this time more than I thought.

Don't get me wrong, I still stress. The relationship has taken a few hits of late requiring some additional work when things crop up. You can't be the age the two of us are and not have some shit back up on you! It's not even possible.

The thing that backs up on us most, believe it or not, is miscommunication. And some trust. I won't go out there and say there isn't trust, but I always thought the trust problem was mine and I discovered that it wasn't. We are working through that by communicating and laughter. Sometimes there's yelling and sometimes there are tears - largely frustration. But we try every day in every way.

His health is still a priority with me and we now have a medicaid advocate. In two hours she was able to solve problems that took us months of red tape - she's amazing and we love her. She's the mom of an up and coming musician and her husband is a musician friend of ours as well.

My health is a priority with him as well and we work on solutions for my skin all the time.

I don't recall the last time I took time like this for myself to enjoy and just be. It's wonderful and amazing and a little bit scary. But I kind of like it and being with Jon enables me to work through change so that it's less scary.

I know that things will work out for me in the future, but for now, I'm having some fun for a change.

Thankful list

1. Today I am thankful for my body. I went to my pilates class and my strength has really increased especially in my upper body. I was able to move my arms and shoulders in ways that I still can't believe. I am not seeing the differences yet - but I feel them!
2. Today I am thankful for the thoughfulness of my partner. When I came home from my lessons, I flew into the house at 7:45 and changed in my pilates clothes and flew out to my class. When I arrived home an hour later, Heroes was on, the dishes were done and he made me sit down on the couch with the cat and he made my dinner for me.
3. Today I am thankful for the new position I have. Even though I don't want it. I would be happier staying where I am. However it gives me an opportunity to utilize my skills.
4. Today I am thankful for my financial resourcefulness. You all know that I have been saying that for sometime we have been barely eeking by or dealing with financial highs and lows from month to month as i am the only one working. Today, after some very serious thought and very serious consideration, I took a big step. It will take care of longterm and shortterm issues and enable us to secure a nice future and start 2009 off on the right foot. I will sleep better tonight for doing it. I was afraid that he would freak out and leverage it, but he didn't. He just looked at me in wonder and said "You are so much smarter than I am at this". That was enough for me.
5. Today I am thankful for passing the second trust test. Jon received an email from the whore today. She needed to speak to him either on the phone or in person. I am not comfortable with that. At all. However, I looked at it, reviewed it in my mind and realized that we hadn't heard from her for the better part of a month. She isn't coming after him for anything romantic, so whatever it is, can't be that big of a deal if she's willing to do it on the phone. Then I dismissed it from my mind. He picked up the phone around the time she gets home from work and called her. Right in front of me. I felt doubly better. He left her a message with her daughter and that was that. I dont' know if they talked or what about and it really doesn't matter all that much. It just illustrated to me that I am calming down, albeit slowly, about her. I have to laugh that my stomach tightens at the mere mention of her name and today was no exception. But I unknot it immediately now. BEcause it's not the big tangle of knots that it used to be. I feel like I'm growing.

A friend of mine wrote a terrific article about 5 ways to strengthen your marriage. I read it today. I was very pleased wtih the article. Not only is she a gifted writer, but this is a really well put together article and I read it very carefully. We are working on all those things.

I am definitely going through my own growth period now. So is Jon. The good news is we are growing together. I like that.

Namaste!

Last wishes, thankful things

Alex is dying.


He has had ALS ( Lou Gehrigs' disease) since 2001.


He is officially a morphine addict though at the end stage of ALS, they don't call it that. But- it is in fact what is technically happening.


I think about this every day. There is so little we can do every day. We make him comfortable. We take money and supplies to him and his health care workers. We have moved him into the main living area of his house and he is in a hospital bed at long last.


He needs to go to the hospital soon to have his feeding tube changed. For those of you who remember, that feeding tube is a crucial moment in my relationship with Jon.


Jon has been going in once a week to make sure that everything is going the way it should. He spends time with Alex which to me is the most important thing.


We watched Love Actually last night with Nessa and Bill. They hadn't seen it and it's a beautiful movie. However Jon cries almost every time at the Laura Linney story line. She is the caretaker for her brother and cannot see that she has sacrificed her life and happiness for the well being of her brother. It was seeing this with me a year ago that got Jon motivated to move out of full time care of his brother.


So last night, in the midst of a routine practical discussion about Alex and his care and needs for the change of feeding tube, he started to cry. He said "My brother is dying".

I just held his hand. There is nothing we can do to stop, slow down or reverse this. This is a death sentence for him. It's horrible and it sucks and I am sad to say, it is what it is at this point.


Please understand - I am compassionate to Alex. He's made mistakes - he's human - but he shouldn't pay for that with his life. I think he now is starting to realize just how much he took and how little he gave back. It makes me sad for him. But the cards are dealt now and there's nothing to do at this point but focus on the good things that are left.

Jon finally said to me what has been plaguing him for a year. He wanted it made clear - that if this cancer turns around and suddenly becomes terminal, I am not to let him suffer out like this. He wants to go and quickly. Please turn up the morphine drip, set up his headphones and IPOD and just hold his hand till he sleeps and is gone.


I gently laughed and said that I know, I'm familiar with your work.... He told me I actually wasn't because he was incapable of completing that task on his own when he was in the hospital in July.


"That wasn't your decision, I shut that down. I brought in the nurse who brought in the psychs. Do you understand why?" I asked


"Well no actually.... why did you?" he said


"Because you were CAPABLE of a full medical recovery. You were getting better. There was 95% chance of recovery. And I wasn't letting you go without a fight. HOWEVER. If you are terminal and there is no hope and this is what you want, as long as I am here to fight for you, and I have decision making capabilities, you will have what you want. " I said.


"Thank you - that's all I ask. I do not want to linger on and be a place holder in life - just let me go" He said.


You know what was interesting. I never thought this was something I could do. I have always believed that we are more humane to our animals than we are to our people. You wouldn't let your terminally ill dog or cat live a poor quality of life, correct? Why? because it's selfish and only serving YOUR purposes. So why would we do something like that to a person?


It will be possibly the most hideous and difficult decision and action to take, but I won't hold him on this earth if he is terminal and wants to go. I would ensure that there is no possibility of recovery but if lingering and being a burden is too much for him - than I feel that I could honor his wishes and not put him on life support.

Today we went to the city to see a play. I met him in the city because he is going to see Alex to drop off some things, fix the DVD player and move some things around.

The play was lovely and it was nice to walk through the city. We took the subway to Queens where he left his car when he went to see Alex. As we were driving home,he started to talk about Alex and his visit. Evidently he was more lucid today than most days. He made Alex laugh at something that I said regarding the Wizard of Oz the night before ( and no mean feat either - I'm not funny - ASK ANYONE!) but I gathered form our conversation in the car that the overall tone of the visit was not wonderful and full of warm familial feelings.

As Jon read me chapter and verse in a very calm way about some of the things that had gone on between them as adults in healthier times, I finally stopped him and told him about editing. Edit out the crap and focus on the good times. Because Alex won't be with us much longer and it doesn't pay to focus on the bad stuff, I felt it was necessary to try and turn the negatives here into something at the base that was Neutral if not positive.

We continued the conversation and by the time we got home I realized that he was in a better place for having talked it out. He just needed to say that bad stuff out loud. Get it off his chest so he could now focus on the good.

We are not anywhere near the end of this road but I can see it from here. It's only going to degrade as time goes on.

So having said all this - here's my 5 thankfuls for today:

1. I am thankful that my audition went well. My audition tonight was fairly good and I feel sorry for my poor director who has 3 qualified sopranos who were well prepped to do this piece. It's not a matter of who did the best audition now - it's a matter of what sound does he want.
2. I am thankful that things in my relationship are going better. I think we are both working harder and it shows in both of us. We are still having some minor issues but this too shall pass.
3. I am thankful that Alex has pain management at this stage of his life. I am heartbroken that we are at this point, and I am bonding with him through Jon in ways that never happened in healthier times. Alex and I share a love for "Family Guy" and though he cannot communicate with me other than email, we have forged a small bond over little things like that, the Wizard of Oz, some darkish humor, and music.
4. I am thankful for the lovely day,albeit cold, that enabled us to do some walking in NYC.
5. I am thankful for the lovely dinner and rehearsal we had tonight. Some big things happened here. We stopped at the store to pick up a few things for supper at his suggestion. When we got home, he made the most amazing Caesar salad and we had homemade Chicken soup. We went to our rehearsal where he bought us raffle tickets on his own. I was utterly surprised when he said that too. The rehearsal was lovely - we had a wonderful time - I had my audition then we came home.
   

Plans and my five things

Today's five things that I am thankful for are:

1. I am good enough at my job that I am in higher demand than I thought. As of yesterday I have a new position in my company in my primary area of expertise. On the one hand I am not happy about moving managers as I like mine overall. I would rather stay with a good boss than move in my area of expertise to an unknown. It sounds crazy but good leadership is hard to come by. But I am thankful to know that I am that valued that they really made my current boss angry by taking her number 1 and her number 2 away from her.
2. I am Thankful for my ability to recognize my faults and work on me. I am using this blog to help be a better "me" now. I can't change Jon, but I can change me. SoI am looking at the things in me that could be stronger and better and working on those. I am going to keep trying to improve the strengths I have as well.
3. I am Thankful for the challenges that I have been given. These challenges in all forms make me a stronger person. One of my tasks is to try and be more trusting and I think that tonight is going to be an exercise for that. I am looking for the strength within me that I can handle this gracefully.
4. I am Thankful for the fact that I am struggling with this list! It makes me human!!!! This is really hard - I was too generic and broad yesterday so not repeating is really hard.
5. I am Thankful that Jon is here with me though we are having still some difficulty.

This was the hardest day - I'm sure that this will get easier as time goes on but wow - I can't tell you how I struggled to not repeat myself and I'm not at all confident that I did that well.... But it's my exercise and my blog dammit so there!

The bottom line - I am really trying to do work on me and myself to be a far more enlightened and spiritual person.

If I do that - it will matter less what others think. I spend a lot of time protecting the things I have worked so hard for and worrying about everyone else and their needs. I joke with Jon pretty regularly that it's all about him and rarely about me. That's true for about 65% of the time. I just don't usually see that 35 % is in fact, about me. Just because, at times, it feels like I love him more than he loves me doesn't mean that he doesn't love me.

So one BIG thing at time. I'm working on trust. THe funny thing is, I figured what "event" made him the way he is. I just don't know what "event" made me the way I am. Isn't that weird?

Oprah

I am not an Oprah fan.

I am not a Martha Stewart fan either - and I actually have personal access to her.

However, my mom, meaning well, subscribed me to the Oprah magazine.

I am stupidly behind in my periodical reading given how busy life has become in 2008. So in my travels, I always bring one with me to read so I can catch up.

I took one to the beach with me the other day when walking. I tend to do the full boardwalk and then sit on one of the many benches and watch the ocean and the folks around while reading and listening to my ipod.

I read a fascinating article on love and the universe. It told the story of a woman who was advised by her psychic to write down a list of qualities she wanted in a partner "right down to the color of his socks" and put it away. The universe would deliver him to her. According to the story - it did.

Nice story - very oprah-esque - but I wasn't buying it.

So when my massage therapist gave ME the same advice I looked at her and laughed. She then proceeded to tell me how she went through a rough period - really rough - until she met her current partner. Whom she is madly in love with and he with her. They are an amazing couple too. I worship them because not only are they amazing people but they inspire others. Just by being themselves.

After that last huge fight, I went to teach her a voice lesson and being so in tune with me - she immediately asked me what was wrong.

We talked for awhile and after imparting that advice, I went home and did just that. I made my list. And with only one or two minor exceptions, that man is sitting in my home. He's just not ready. The universe delivered me a half baked cake. Maybe I'm so supposed to finish off the recipe.... tee hee.....

Anyway - the bottom line is when you step back and discover that the problem isn't yours, but you are involved due to proximity, the only thing you can do is work on yourself. You can't solve another's mid life crisis, or growth period. Which is more or less what this is.

So - I started doing just that. And I noticed a big change - in him and in us. Good ones.

We aren't all the way there but in 4 short days, he started working out again, he started making calls to his doctors to set up appointments, he is cooking again, we went out to a movie and had a drink in public, we are going to a play in the city this weekend ( the most affordable theater in NYC I might add - 18 dollars a ticket) and we started making some music together.

What did I do? I know you are dying to ask. For one thing, I stopped all discussions of money unless he initiated it. Temporarily. Just give him some time to get his head together. I did the food shopping so he didn't worry about how much money food was.

I went to my Pilates class. I am planning to do at least one more day per week starting next week. We started clearing and organizing the music room and he made some contacts with his old land lady to get our dining room table out of storage so we can get rid of mine ( its 20 years old and VERY Unstable).

I made a new deal with myself too. That each day I am going to write down 5 things that I am thankful for. Right here. For all of you to see. If I commit to doing this here, I will at least make an effort.

Sounds Oprah-esque doesn't it? Well it is. I got an anniversary mini book in one of the magazines called "What I know for sure". IN it she rights all kinds of neat gems with stories.

This one - called - "Be Thankful" is very ironic as it's November and very timely for Thanksgiving. She talks of her meltdown on the phone with Maya Angelou. And All Maya said to her was "Say Thank you". She was shocked into silence and asked why. Because by being thankful you are accepting the gifts you have and being grateful for the opportunity to receive. Thus making you able to receive even more. And I think we can all agree - Oprah's life has been bountiful and she has been sharing that bounty for years.

So in keeping with that, here are my five things from today:

1. I am thankful today that I have a roof over my head and healthy food to eat
2. I am thankful for all my friends and family.
3. I am thankful that the man that I love is getting better.
4. I am thankful that our country is getting a fresh start. Now let's see what he does with it.
5. I am thankful that I have a job - two - and that I am able to provide for my family.

There won't be any repeats for awhile. I am going to try and keep my word on that.

You know what's kind of funny about this exercise, is that I do something similar with my students. I have noticed that no matter what kind of family I teach in, I have kids with self esteem issues. I don't know what that's about to be honest, but given my own, if I can help a child release that burden I try. So what I do with them at each lesson is I tell them things about them that I like that are not necessarily music related and part of the general conversation. Then at the end of the lesson I make them tell me two things about them that I like that are NON MUSIC related and then two things that they think they could improve on. Then I let them do that to me. It's worked wonders on one kid who has a manipulative and lying streak in her.

Another thing that I do is that when we fight or we have things like this happen that don't really involve me but I am involved in due to proximity, I go to work on something that I am doing FOR HIM. Like his fundraiser that he doesn't yet know about. Like the Christmas party that I arranged to have so many of our friends at so we can be there for his first performance and his birthday. Like his Christmas gifts. All those things. I feel better for doing those things and refocuses my energies of anger elsewhere.

Oprah's show may drive me crazy - I do like her as an actress - but her magazine has some really good stuff in it. I'm not sorry I get that magazine now. It does have some good points.

She's not quite my hero but she does have some wisdom to impart.

Can love prevail?

"Aren't you tired yet? "The devil sitting on one shoulder asked me in the car this afternoon on my way home from food shopping.

"Tired? " Me - the monkey in the middle asked.

"Tired ? " Echoed the angel on the other shoulder.

Sighing, the devil on my shoulder put her hands on her hips and looked disgustedly at me while we are now stopped at a traffic light.

"Yeah, Tired. YOU KNOW. (yawning) TIRED?????"

"Umm. well. I got plenty of sleep last night and haven't done all that much today, so, I'm not sure what you are getting at. " Monkey in the middle replies.

At that moment the angel on the other shoulder, incensed in Stewie -like - fashion a la Family Guy, Looks at the devil and says:

"OF COURSE She isn't TIRED. Now you listen here WOMAN! Stop stirring up TROUBLE! WE ARE FINE!"

"UMmm, 'WE'??? MOnkey inquires.

"YES WE." says Stewie-angel, glaring at devil.

"OK -but by fine, you mean, NOT physically tired - right? Monkey inquires

"Of Course, why what did YOU think I meant?" Devil grins serenely at Monkey and stewie.

"I wasn't really sure because while I am not physically tired, I am feeling rather emotionally and psychologically exhausted at the moment.... but if that's not what you meant then we're all good here. " Monkey says - innocently.

"well - that DOES qualify - don't you think???" Devil suggests looking slyly at Stewie

"NOW YOU JUST STOP THAT INSTANTLY!!! LOOK AT THE TROUBLE YOU ARE CAUSING!!!! Stewie shrieks at the devil - with some stamping of feet,

"Now now - this may not be the time for a temper tantrum, Stewie. I am just trying to help Monkey here decide if she is tired, and why" Devil serenely smiles annoyingly again.

" That is not AT ALL what you are doing and YOU KNOW IT" Stewie raises the voice again.

"Folks, if I may jump in here, since this is all in MY head and MY argument, and it's all about, well, ME - I would like to verbalize this particular inner monologue:

You see - I AM TIRED. No not physically. I go between restless nightmare ridden sleep and too much sleep or drug induced sleep from the sleeping pills ( a rarity to be sure). I don't think sleep is the problem. My exhaustion comes from everything else. The job that I used to love that is claiming me as one of the many who are burnt out. The second job that I love which has started to become problematic as I don't feel like I have anything left to give these kids. I feel empty inside. I live with someone who on the one hand resents me for all that I do and on the other loves me for all the same things that I do.

Is love enough to make it? RIght now we are having problems. I think we can get through it but frankly this is usually the point where I make a break for it. WHen the going gets THIS tough - I'm out. So you see the cut and run option - that's you devil my dear. THe stay and work it out and fight for that love - that's Stewie Angel.

And I don't know which of you will win - yet.

But I want to pin my hopes on love. I just hope it's enough to win this battle.

Depression should kill not maim - people would protect from it and fight it a lot more actively.

Can I use a lifeline?

That show drove my crazy. To be honest I'm not a Regis fan.

But I was grasping at anything that resembled a life line today.

Sometimes I'm smart about it and othes not so much.

I'm dealing with a problem that I don't know how to fix.

Actually that's not accurate. I KNOW a conversation has to take place, however, being the GOOD study that I am, I really already know how that's going to go.

So I looked at WHY I feel the way I do and had a HELL of a time trying to pinpoint my exact issues.

Then I tried to find another method for solving it. I still don't have one but I did call for lifelines:

1. I first tapped into my inner poet - laugh all you want - it's actually not bad for me. I'm NOT a poet. Some us drink because we aren't poets ( hint: a Dudley moore quote from a movie). THe poem came out pretty good though.

2. I then emailed my priest and asked for a time to go sit and talk to him. We haven't in a while so we're overdue. I could bring beer.... wait it's in the morning.... no beer - wine maybe....

3. I emailed my psychic to ask if it was too soon for another reading - I think it is and this issue is circumstantial but worth asking.

4. I went to the pilates class I planned to go to and felt better after,

5. I read an article from a life coach. She basically gave the ten commandments of marriage and intimacy and I swear if I rememebered where her site was I would tell you her name AND the website.

6. She gave a neat idea on how to re-establish intimacy and that connection between two people - I loved it and tried it and I am already seeing benefits.

7. we had a short discussion this evening - very short - where he actually chastised me for not fighting fair and bringing up the past. I laughed out loud at this. I am the child of a Marriage Encounter couple.... I know ALL ABOUT fighting fair. I just didn't in that moment. Very unusual and he even said so.

THough I feel better and have stopped anything resembling tears, I am keeping my appointment tomorrow morning. Why? Because I do need to talk it out. I have some things to sort out and need some help with that.

I didn't eat today which is never a good sign - I did have dinner because he deliberately waited for me to come home so he could eat with me.

So I'm using my lifelines....

playing hooky

I have never actually played hooky in my life.

I have never once called in sick and gone to the beach.

I have never skipped a class without a good reason ( coffee and euchre anyone?)

Today, I woke up at 6 with a raging headache, bodyaches and scratchy throat the urge to sleep like the dead. So I called in sick.

Jon woke me at 11. We both looked freaked - him because he had fallen asleep on the couch and forgot to wake me and me because I didn't wake him then to tell him I was calling in.

Surprise Surprise.

I was impressed to find that I was feeling completely better - I took 2 aleve just to make sure that these faded away and went back to bed for an hour.

When I emerged, Jon suggested that I go to the beach. What a great idea. It didn't happen - but it was a great idea.

I ended up going to my best friend's home and having lunch with her. We played air hockey on the new table they got for the boys.

I had a lovely time and we got to talking about some things happening in my home lately - good things. Like the discussion of how marriage takes hard work that the three of us had and him using Us as the example. THe other thing is his issues with his mom that persist from our eventful spell in the hospital.

This one is kind of hard for me. Once I discovered that she was not my number one fan, I have realized that I am not so quick to defend her. What really cinched it for me is that he has a warped sense of reality and hers - is worse.

For some reason she labors under the illusion that she rushed to his bedside and was there constantly.

OK here's the reality check - because I was there - every day and every time that I was allowed to be.

She did rush to him though she was hour and half away - so it took 2 more hours to get back once I called. It wouldn't have mattered anyway had she gotten there sooner - we would have been standing in the hallway together waiting for him to be moved. She was there that day,and once a day for the 2 days he was in ICU and once while he was in CCU. That's 3 times by my count.

Once he was in a regular room, she came the day after his suicide commentary, and one other time before he was moved in the psych unit. That's 5 so far - stay with me.

They moved into the psych unit. I saw him there 2 times and hten they moved him again. She hadn't gotten there yet.

In the all male psych unit they moved him to, she was there one time. And that was it until he came home.

6 times in 20 days.

I don't expect her to be there every minute of every day that he was there as I was. I kept her in the loop for every single thing that went on and she did the same with me.

He is angry at her for very specific and personal reasons. He's been harboring it for quite sometime. I have long since dropped it as a topic because he isn't prepared to deal with her.

So I was in some state of surprise when he mentioned to me that he was still angry about the lack of concern and lack of response she displayed at the hospital - "I got a social worker not a mom" is how he puts it. (She's a social worker so it's not a stretch).

I told him that mom's love their children - all of them - but sometimes they just aren't capable of doing the things that YOU need them to do, sometimes though they may love you to the best of their ability, it may not be enough but it is all that they are capable of. She is only human. She did the best she could.

The fact is, she did try and social work him, She took his personal choices for his care out of the equation. She put his brother first even at the lowest point. When he came out of the sedative and was talking depression and suicide, the only person he wanted was his mom. Not me, not anyone - just her. I called and called and called - and she didn't come till the next day. She didn't feel that her presence would do anything for him.

I disagreed then and I disagree now. I did everything I could for him, and don't get me wrong, he is very thankful and happy that I was there and took care of him. I am not offended at all that he wanted his mom instead of me - I don't blame him one bit.

This has weighed on us for 2 months now. He's starting to talk about both with me - calmly and with her - not so much. She has resorted to threats which concerns me. He is not talking to her on the phone right now and he's not responding to her emails.

So I brought this tot he kitchen table because my best friend understands this kind of strife as she has some similar things happening in her own family.

It felt good to talk it out like that and it gave me energy to write it here.

The rest of the day I spent food shopping, cooking and cleaning - and it felt good. I made a bacon mushroom savory pie for dinner - he ate half of it. We had Pinot Noir and chocolate ice cream for dessert.

We are planning some fun things to do now. We are also scheduling his surgery soon.

Playing half a day of hooky was really worth while. I should have done this sooner. It's like a surprise gift.

I would not make this a habit - but boy it felt good today.

Bonus: another half lb down. :-)))))

Self Esteem: A study in contrasts

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary -
Self-esteem: Self`-es*teem"\, n. The holding a good opinion of one's self; self-complacency.

-Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

Hmm. Self esteem, self worth.

Everyone in the world has some. I have never met a person who has absolutely none. less than normal, more than normal. But never NONE.

But then that got me thinking. What is the normal, well adjusted amoun? Who amonst us doesn't suffer lacking or doubts about one's ability in SOME area?

For example. Perhaps you are incredibly intelligent, wildly talented BUT you are not a good public speaker and you know it. Do you then have doubts about your ability to speak in public? Perhaps.

That, however, is perfectly acceptable and normal. And that one area can be improved upon, thus improving your self esteem IN THAT area.

What becomes damaging is when you have doubts in 1+ areas and you allow them to color your perception of yourself. Thus is born the accepted definition of LOW self-esteem.

So it is no surprise when I tell you ( as if you all didn't already know this!!!) I suffer from low self esteem. I think some of the problem is acceptance. I need to be accepted as I am and I have been conditionally accepted for as long as I can remember.

Weight played a big role in that. But overall what I think plagues me most in this quest to be the best version of myself possible is that I don't do enough for the people I love. If I could only do more, I would be loved more. If I could only be thin enough, I would be loved more.

It's stupid. I look at this in writing and even I am surprised by how silly it looks. Elementary even.

I work hard at my weight - most of you who know me know that. Tonight after dinner, Jon looked at me and said "I'm going to lecture you now, just wanted to warn you! " I laughed at him. I told to go on lecture away. His only statement was "I want you to watch your portion sizes more". THAT'S it???? That's your lecture? OK. I said "I agree".

A few minutes went by. I cleared the table I poured us each a glass of wine and sat down. He looked at me and said "I'm on this new program and I want you to do it with me - so we can both be healthy. "

I said "I agree - I just started the pilates class and I am continuing to walk on the beach." He responded that he loved the fact that I was taking that class at his "church". THen he looked horrified at me.... "OH NO" he said.

"WHAT??? WHAT???"

"You will have to RACE home on Monday night!!!! Or you will miss HEROES!!!!"

I almost died laughing. So much for the lecture, thanks ADD boy!.

I have noticed that his self esteem issues are, as I have mentioned before, largely related to being attractive. Being a local celeb that he is, he is used to adoring fans, throwing themselves at him. He's not one to take them up on it, but who deosn't like the ego boost of someone thinking you are attractive? He eats that up. He loves me and loves that I find him attractive at his worst, but according to him, my taste is clearly suspect in these issues.

When I approached this topic, he wasn't really receptive today. So I let it go. But I have to laugh at him. He mentioned a couple of little tidbits from his distant past that I didn't realize or know about, and always with the tag line - Nothing you need to be worried about! It makes me laugh when he does that. I don't worry about women from his past. Only the one and even now not so much. I trust him. At least as much as I am capable of doing.

So self -esteem, in contrast between us, is interesting. I want him to stop craving approval from strangers. He wants me to stop craving approval from loved ones. There has to be middle ground and I am trying to find it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to minimize the self-doubt. Sometimes I am succesful and others less so. But I will strive to be better!

Self - esteem - such a good thing when one has it and so damaging when one doesn't.

a mid-life crisis does NOT mean corvette's and hot chicks

At least not for most women.

For all people, A mid life crisis is simply an urban term assigned an evolution of your life. Moving into the next phase.

I have discovered that when I moved AWAY from the things that once defined me, I felt lost. Very lost.

I still feel lost and that's largely because I did not replace those things with more evolved things.

Cryptic - maybe. But wait.

When Jon had his "midlife crisis" he was and still is to a large extent battling fading youth. On the one hand - he wants his back badly, on the other he wants to slow down and stop working so hard to impress today's youth with how "hip" he is.

It's made life hard for both of us because I was the one who had my shit together and he did not.

My midlife crisis looks like this:

• My relationship with God, while fine and I pray daily, has had me away from my church for a few months - though I did manage to get to two OTHER churchs. I miss it but I have very conflicted feelings about going back. Until they are identified and negotatiated I can't attend my own church. It's nothing personal - it's me and a professional obligation.
• my relationship with Jon is still uneven - though much better and improved. It's just not as settled and stable as I would like.
• My house is a mess. Literally. More so than even I can deal with.
• My relationship with myself is a problem. I am overly critical of myself. I am not taking any more care of myself than I absolutely have to.

This is the short list.

So in last month I decided to identify one thing on this list that I Can tackle.

Of course being the perverse psycho that I am I picked the hardest one - me.

Jon and I are walking in the morning. We are going to do 3 days a week together. I also plan to watch my diet FURTHER - I already do pay attention to it. I have a dear friend in Arizona who is going to be my diet / fitness buddy and I am really excited about it.

Jon and I talked about getting back into yoga. I can't wait! My wonderful friend and Massage Therapist ( Nessa) got me thinking. Yoga is so great. I miss it. Yoga, meditation.

She got me to change my skin care to something that's not onyl better FOR it, but works amazing results in a week. In researching the company, I realized that for the first time, I was excited about integrating these products into my life.

I am considering acupuncture to help deal with the eczema/allergy/asthma issues.

I'm not UNHAPPY - I just know that there are things that I need to change as I evolve into the better version of me. I know I"m in there somewhere.

Revelations

I have had a number of interesting revelations recently.



Revelation number 1: I've been hacked.



OK - chances are if you are reading this, you already know that. I don't exactly want or NEED to go into the details, but suffice it to say that someone, well, inappropriate, got their hands on my material and frankly, I wouldn't care in other circumstances, but I don't need added stress or pressure. So for the time being, the blog will remain on an invite only basis. I have invited all my normal readers, plus a couple who lurk now and again that I trust.

Lets leave it at that for now.

Revelation number 2: THe whore is not the problem

I have spent a lot of time blaming the whore for an untenable situation in my household. Now that I have met and seen her and spent time with her.... she has moved on from him. He's trying desparately to hold on. This, by the way, is not that uncommon with him. He's done it with every woman in his life to this very day. It has nothing to do with me. Logically and emotionally he's made a different choice and understands why it is the way it is. He just hasn't FULLY let go yet.

I will tell you that this brings a level of relief to me, actually. If it's only generated from him and not being returned, he'll move along appropriately. History shows me that. He has abondonment issues ( being addressed by his psych's now by the way) and this plays a major part in that.

Now that I am aware of it, I have relaxed a bit. Not all the way, mind you, but I have certainly relaxed a lot more with him. It shows in how we are relating now too. All good things.

Revelation Number 3: I have new skin care and it changed my life. And my skin. I am beyond thrilled with this company and their products and I haven't even bought them yet.... though that's coming soon... Swiss made botanical skin care. My face never looked this good. IN 2 and half days ( 5 uses) Jon noticed and my best friend noticed. Without prompting. I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the website. Try it, don't try it - but I am SOLD. Arbonne is the name. They make skin care, body care, spa treatments, supllements, weight loss, makeup, baby lines, teen lines, skin care for men, all very comprehensive. I will not lie and tell you it's drugstore quality or prices. But I will tell you a little goes a long way and it's worth every penny.

These are revelations in intelligence ( number 1), emotions ( number 2) and physical ( number 3). They have taken place over the past week.

I am proud of all of them.

Trust vs. Jealousy

I know I tend to talk about this a lot. But it plagues me, so as I continue to work on it - you guys get to hear about it.

I don't trust people. I have an inherent fear of intimacy. I am scared that if I allow myself to love and trust someone, they will let me down or leave. Or both.

It makes me sad that this a part of who I am. I work hard at this and I am slowly chipping away at it. Jon is no easy task with this. He trusts me far more than I trust him.

That's not really a fair assessment but it's the closest I can get. Our history isn't rosy by any stretch of the imagination. I have said from the beginning that loving someone means loving them warts and all. And I do. With everything that I am capable of giving.

That doesn't mean however that with certain people and certain topics, my stomach doesn't knot up. It does and it happened today. A neat reminder that this problem I have been working on is still there.... smaller perhaps - it didn't last long - but present none the less.

It's not anything he does. Not currently. It's me and what I don't believe of myself. I know this and it makes me sad. I jokingly made a comment tonight as I was getting ready for bed... I got up off the couch as he said "Yeah it's about that time..."

My response was "Yes I tend to be smart that way"

He said " You don't need to tell me that - you need to tell yourself that.... I already know. "

He wasn't laughing or kidding. He was right.

You see I spend a lot of time putting myself down. I don't even really understand where it's coming from. I weigh less this summer than last, and yet I feel fat and ugly. I am in position wth my job that's improved from last year, yet I feel exploited and condescended, I am in a relationship that changed dramatically in 2008, and I can't seem to catch up, I feel like everyone is smarter, prettier, funnier all of that...

As I said before - I know it's me and I know it's in my head.

I am smart - or I wouldn't have the job that I do. I wouldn't hold the position that I do. I may have some extra weight but I am pretty. I am nice and talented and all of that. I take good care of those that I love. I am a good friend and a good life companion.

So why the insecurities?

I really don't know. But I'll keep digging until I find out.

Jealousy- the wasted emotion

I finally get it.

really - I do.

I get it.

Jealousy - in small doses - kind of OK. In large doses - symptomatic of trust issues.

I also know that if there is one attractive quality, it's confidence and self assurance. Honestly when I look back on how this whole thing came about - it started because I had rebuilt my life to be what I wanted, how I wanted and on my terms.

I was, in a word, successful.

please to note - "was" in this context does NOT imply that I am no longer "succesful". It just means that my success is measured differently.

moving on.

I haven't been displaying lots of that of late. I realize that. I have been accommodating, which is good. I have been caring, which is good. I have been loving which is good.

Then there are things that I do that I can't qualify as "bad" but it is not going to fall under "good" either.

For example. I am better about the whore, but not great. I can't always react the way that I want and even I read into my remarks after they are made. I can't just react and be me. Because I am afraid.

Here's the ironic part. Jon's ex wife was always accusing him of cheating on her. He never did. Once he commits to someone - that's it.

I am just afraid that the commitment isn't as, well, committed, as I want it to be.

But the reality is, there is no home safe enough, no relationship secure enough, if you aren't OK with you.

It hit me in the car on my way home tonight. Like a freight train.

I need to be me. More.

After all, "me" is the one he chose- right?

I keep saying that my life changed so fast that I couldn't keep up. Change never works well with me. But that's what is happening and I have to figure out a way to manage it, keep my household together financially, care for him when this disease kicks him in the ass and not make him feel bad that he has a past. Hell he accepts mine.

It's not that his past bothers me. I don't have a problem with his having a past. Being honest with myself, It's just this one. It's just the whore. If he can forgive ( but didn't forget - DO NOT BE FOOLED) then I Can try.

I'm not jealous of her - or any of his past. I'm afraid of getting hurt. I'm my own worst enemy. So - being smart - I'm changing it up.

I'm going to go back to being me and taking care of my business as much as I am taking care of his.

I can be all the things I need to be. I can work 2 jobs. I can have my own rehearsals. I can take care of him. I can handle the entire household. I can make sure that everything is moving forward. I can be the calming and patient one.

I know I can - I've done that my whole life before him... he's just added to the load but only slightly. This is completely doable and I WANT TO.

What I do for love......

A normal day - mostly

Today was actually quite wonderful.

Nothing special happened. We woke up - he had no voice - I mean literally none. He watched cartoons and I went back to sleep.

I awoke around 10 ( I haven't been sleeping so well so I was able to sleep in). I made him tea as his throat was hurting. I got dressed and walked down to the 7-11 to get him NY Times and me a coffee.

He got himself dressed, took his paper and went down to his local haunt to have some tea and do the crossword puzzle.

I took that time to do the dished and start housework. I have a long list of things that still need doing and now that we know his belongings are in storage I have a LOT more work ahead of me.

I managed to procrastinate just enough to put up the lovely template you see here.... Sadly it took me from Saturday evening into today to complete.

I had a lovely Chat with Mrs Jackson. We talked for a long time.

I finally saw pictures of his ex-wife too. She is not what I expected. Not at all. I had very little descriptive information other than hair, eye and skin tone. She was lovely and though we are complete opposites ( she's tall, I'm not, she's dark, I'm blond, she's blue eyed, mine are hazel green, she's fair skinned, I'm medium toned.) She's heavier than I am, but I see a kinship in her eyes. Knowing hte information that I do about her, we probably would be friends. I see a lot of things in her that I suspected were there.

Meanwhile - I am reasonably sure he saw the whore today, though he was only gone about an hour or two. And I want you all to know that I don't care. I mention it onl because this is a big turning point for me - because I honestly am OK with it. I don't even know why. Maybe I'm just tired. Maybe I am more trusting. Maybe I believe in things more. Maybe it just doesn't matter now. Whatever the reason, I'm not promising that I am completely past it, but I"m getting there.

And no I'm not calling her by her real name. I've come to enjoy her nickname and I don't think I WANT to change it. Not just yet anyway.

On the work front. He has canceled his gigs through July. He can't run the risk of not being able to perform and it's not fair to the restaurants and bars to hold them hostage til the day of waiting to find out if they will have live music that night.

The Band wrote a fan friendly note to their mailing list that was really touching. I want to hug Charlie to be honest. He's a good boy and did a beautiful and supportive job with Jon.

He posted a blog note on his myspace page as well.

During this time, I was still cleaning off my desk, doing a "thinning of the herd" on my books, and I took the leaf out of the dining room table and cleared off the crap and finished the dishes.

We watched to Baseball games ( we won both! ) a boxing match that I am still unclear how that guy won. We ate dinner. I skimmed magazines. I web searched for photo storage boxes ( we have millions of pictures - its sad really).

The house is shaping up slowly but surely. He felt pretty good today which helped me get a lot done. I am buying the makings for beef stew for him and we'll see how that goes.....

stay tuned....

Catharsis

I tend to be a half full person. When life hands me lemons either I make lemonade or get out the tequila.


This has been one of my greatest challenges. Since Jon's diagnosis, I have not really cried, or had an emotional reaction in front of him. My worry is on my face at times or in the way I hover a little too much over him when he's in pain, but otherwise I stay the course and keep everyone positive and moving forward.


This week things were strained in large part because of me and my inability to quickly process events, make a decision and move on. It takes me longer than it takes him.


His computer has a virus and is a mess. I have been slowly working on it and trying to correct. It's slowly improving but I hit an impasse by Wed. So I took a day off. And his head exploded - not at me - but at himself for clicking on something he shouldn't have in the first place. He is very careful to qualify his frustration because he knows how many hours and how much money I have been spending to put it right again. But I know it's a pain in the ass - I hate it as much as he does.


So Thursday night when I arrived home from teaching, I poured myself a glass of wine, picked up my laptop and walked it over to his desktop and logged into my email to start re-working this machines registry line by line ad nauseum.


I was quiet. Working gave me the out. I didn't have to talk which is good as I was still really processing things.


At one point I asked him to please come over and pop his email password in so I could verify that login was working. He just verbally gave it to me and told me to play around as much as I wanted - nothing there I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed by the trust he has in me. Especially after I unwittingly violated that once a year ago.


I got all done with everything I could do and kicked off a NOrton Full scan and went to make my self dinner.


I sat down in the living room with my homemade waffles and he put on "God Said, Ha!". Now I don't care if you have personal identity with the situations outlined in the film or not - it's going to hit you between the eyes. For those of you unfamiliar, Julia Sweeney is doing poignant but funny at times monologue on her brother's cancer fight as well as her own. She survived, He did not.


In watching this film, I found myself unable to laugh, though she was absolutely hilarious. Unable to cry - and LORD KNOWS I WANTED TO.


Then she made some wise assed remark about her brothers responses to the shunt put in his forehead to help with fluids. I have to tell you that not only was that the funniest thing I had head, but it reminded me of his brother and the reactions that his brother routinely has at things like this. I looked at him and realized he was crying.


Then it occured to me that I was crying too.


Huh.


How did that escape me - had those tears been there all along?


Nah - I would have noticed to be sure.


I lean over and hug him. He tells me no no no - but doesn't push me away so I stay and just hold him.


Then he pushes me away - moment had passed.


We continue to watch this and it occurs to me slowly that I am not who he wants around right now. So the next round of tears that comes up - I look at him and he puts his hand up as if to say "don't touch me". I do this all the time to be honest... So I try not to take it personally. But I do say "I know I am not who you want around right now".


He responds by taking my hand and saying:


"You are going to meet everyone. Joann, Denise and yes, the whore. These women are going to be around and they are going to be our support system. They will be driving you and I back anf forth to radiation. And Yes the whore too."


" OK " is the only thing I can choke out here


"The whore is out of the doghouse with me as a friend. As a lover - not so much. But I need to let the anger go" He says


"I know - I knew that when you showed me the poem you wrote. I'm glad you've let it go but you have to be patient with the rest of us who aren't on the same point of the road yet and those of us who love you and don't trust the person who hurt you so badly"


still holding my hand "I know - and I can't tell you how that has helped me get to the point I am at with her. I can't have anger and pain hanging over me. THe only way to release it was to forgive her and rebuild the friendship. "


"OK I can try" I say


I get up, take out my contacts and get ready for bed.


I come back out to finish watching this movie that has now crushed me into sobs. He gets up to get something to drink and says to me "Turn it off - its time for bed".


It's not even midnight. Hunh


I say "no it's OK"


"no it's time for bed - this will be on some other time and we can watch it then. Besides I can't ever get through it all in one sitting. "


We go to bed and while we are laying there holding hands and watching "From Dusk til dawn" it occurs to me that we never had this moment since he got diagnosed - we just took it in stride and moved along as if nothing was different or even wrong for that matter - just each day as it came.

I know his cancer is not terminal. In my heart I know it. But there is always that 1% seed of doubt in my mind that something may crop up that will be life threatening. I can't imagine my life without him so this is a scary concept. I tend not to focus on it - I have to stay positive and stay the course in order to keep him positive and both moving forward

Since that night, I have noticed an overwhelming number of movies with thiis concept have been on lately - My Life with Michael Keaton, Catch And Release with Jennifer Garner and Juliette Lewis, God Said Ha! and so on.... Even though I have seen all of them in the past - these are just not films I can watch at this point. Sad because they are all good and struck a chord in me even before this.

Carrol O'Connor has a great line in Return to me. He says "It's the character that's strongest that God hands the most challenges to".

It's the strength of character that matters most in all of us. It's what is going to pull him through this. It's going to be what enables me to help him get through it.

We had a cathartic moment. It was really emotional and exhausting.

But necessary - folks don't bury it! Let it out so you can move forward.

I've had a little vino and am starting to chill

Yes my readers I was really stressed and a bit pissed yesterday.

What also happened was that I didn't sleep and I was sick most of the night.

I awoke feeling worse for the wear. Lack of sleep and a high pollen count did me in. That and being angry.

Anger is a wasted emotion to dwell on. I"ve seen what it can do to people. I was not about to let that get inside me and tear me apart.

So he woke me up to tell me was leaving to do some errands including my banking. I got up, snapped out of it and went to work.

I decided the night before that I was going to drive out to my accountant and deliver paperwork. I left about 11 and was home about 12:30. I worked for an hour and had to lie down. My allergies were kicking my ass.

While I laid down for a hour I thought about where I was going to get the last hundred dollars. I had no ready solution at my fingertips. But I did get suitably angry at myself. First that I put my priorities last and second that I let him treat me badly.

The fact is the whore really isn't a problem. I don't really give a crap about her but I dont' want her rubbed in my face. The fact is she still thinks of him as hers. She doesn't want him, but she doesn't want anyone else to have him either. At the end of the day, I still don't care about that either - that's her problem. I am just a wee bit put out that I am being told that "we" need to be nicer to her. I don't see why I have to. Call me petulant, call me unreasonable, but I am just a bit frustrated because of all the hell I've been through at her expense - and she IS NOT EVEN AWARE OF IT.

So - the root of yesterday's post mostly was about that. The financial thing - yeah it's a headache. Yeah it sucks. Yeah it's my some of my financial things behind the eightball, but if he doesn't have a legal vehicle, he can't work. If he can't work, we don't eat. So the math at the end of the day goes straight to that. I will put my needs first more frequently now.... I have to for my own sanity.

A friend asked me today how did I handle the down time while waiting for someone to make a major life altering decision.....

The truth is, I am still waiting. My situation is weird. Only because he wants the grown up relationship and the perks that go with it. At the same time, he's reluctant to give up the life style he had. Baby steps get us closer every day.

My advice as a rule here is, you have to know that you really want is worth the waiting and the effort. And you have to be willing to walk away.

I came home from teaching tonight and dinner was waiting for me. It was delicious.

Now I'm heading for a bath and then bed.

Night!

Growth

Like plants, people grow at different paces.

I always laugh when I hear statements like "One day you wake up, you have a wife ( husband,partner whatever), kids, a mortgage and a job. And you wonder how all this happened when just it seems like yesterday that you woke up in a puddle of your own puke after a 3 day bender".

But it's kind of true. In a weird way.

I had an epiphany the other day. During my quiet introspective that I went through this week, I reached out to a friend. She gave me enough pause and enough to think about that I came to the following conclusion.

My best friend has grown a lot - tremendously in fact, despite his unwillingness to want to. Things he does for me, he didn't do for others in his past. Things he talks about with me were topics that were not approachable in his past.

He noticed my introspective and didn't try to intrude, but did try to being me out of it. While it was entirely about him, I wasn't angry or upset and he did nothing specific to cause me to be this way.

I received a call from a good friend today. She advised me that her husband had done some research on the cancer and treatment and wanted to let me know that even in an advanced state, it carries a 90% success rate after treatment. He didn't want me to worry about losing him. I was touched. That was so incredibly sweet of her husband to think of ME that way. He didn't want me to worry and he didn't want to keep upsetting me or my best friend by asking the same questions.

Not that I mind - I don't.

He sent out his notification for his upcoming gigs - it's light month for obvious reasons. But at the bottom of the note - to everyone in the world who knows him - he wrote the following statement:

"A special thank you goes to JoAnn, Denise, Lynne, Sandy and Kat and of course My Contessa for their love and support."

Now I saw it. but I didn't react right away. I went out taught a lesson and reflected on it. He's not prone to statements like this one. Certainly not public ones. So I didn't react right away.

When I returned home, he asked me if I had checke my email. I said I hadn't and sat down to look at it whilest he hovered over me like a kid on Christmas morning. I opened and read it. Right in front of him. I didn't know what to say. But when blinked back my tears and looked at him I said "Thank you Sweetie". It wasn't necessary but I am not telling him that. This was big for him.

I know he's grateful. He thanks me all the time. He's grown so much since this illness. I don't want to jinx it but I think out of this horrible disease may actually come some good.

Growth is hard. I am growing too here. and not the 5lbs I've gaine in the past week either. I learn things about him every day. I learn how he reacts each day and what triggers him and how he copes with tragedy every day. I learn things about myself too, like when I became introspective - I didn't try to pretend I wasn't. Normally I would. Ask anyone who's lived with me - they will all tell you...

Every cloud has a silver lining. I may have just found one....

The halfway mark

I think Rosie Perez said it best in White Men can't jump....

Sometime you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes, it's a tie.

Every day brings new knowledge to this relationship and it's willing and sometimes unwilling participants.

Surprisingly - or not - depending on how you look at it... I have been the unwilling one in the last few days. Not that I am leaving, or anything like that - it's nothing that bad - it's more like I am less willing than willing but not unwilling...

OK this took a weird turn.

But I know you KNOW what I mean.

I came home last night after a few days of being less willing to discover that he wasn't home. It didn't register right away that I didn't see his car.... I actually walked back down the drive and looked again. I scratched my head and thought

"Well OK but I wouldn't be out socializing with no teeth - but thats just me and my vanity I guess"

The fact is he kind of looks and sounds like the bumble from Rudolph. I don't mind - it doesn't make him less attractive by any means. But his speech - not surprisingly again - is affected. MOst people don't realize that teeth and palette and lips and everything going on in the mouth area affects your speech.

He called to tell me that he went out east to check out the location for late month private party he is working. He sounded good. He needed to be out and about a bit. He told me has planning to swing by his buddy's Open Mic on the way home and just cover some business as they do some gig's together. He planned to be home around 11 -12.

I decided to take advantage of the time by talking with a mutual friend who has the benefit of a lot more years both on this earth and knowing him. It turned out to be a smart move. A lot of misconceptions on both of us were set to rest. Some hurt feelings were reconciled. Talking with her eased my mind considerably.

He walked in around 2. I was dosing in bed. He started cooking - don't ask - this happens every time he comes home from that open mic - he makes breakfast for himself. I heard him swear in the middle of all of this and stumbled into the kitchen. He apologized for waking me, then told me about his night. His buddy send regards - remembers me fondly from the ALS benefit 2 years ago ( I know he was ther but that day was seriously a blur!)... told me about the place where the party is, he finally located his webdesigner - that sort of thing. I leaned my head against the doorway and knocked it harder than planned. He looked at me and turned me around and put me back to bed saying

"I'm going to eat my eggs and then come to bed. If your still awake and want to - we can watch a movie?"

I smiled as I laid in bed. I know this sounds really goofy, but he's been sleeping on the couch recovering so much lately that I have missed him. He's not taking the Vicadin anymore. He's sleeping more soundly. He needed the rest and though I offered the bed, he was happier on the couch so he could channel surf without waking me.

Shortly after he came to bed and we searched movies in our on demand channels. Being the insane movie people that we are, I subscribe to everything thats subscribable. We found Catch and release and since neither of us saw it all the way through, this was a good choice. We were both really enchanted by it. What a charming movie and a wonderful sound track. Which reminds me - I need to buy that! I think I will check on Itunes today.

As the movie ended and I drifted off to sleep, I was relieved to feel like my old self again,re-connected to the man I love. Lord that sounds nerdy. But it's true. I also have to say that when he was talking about me to someone else tonight, he was re-connecting with me even though I wasn't there. It made him want to come home and nurture the relationship a little bit even subconsciouly.

I am sleep deprived today. But in the best way possible.

Am I being unreasonable?

I know things have changed in my life really really - well really fast in the past 2 months and change.


The fact is Since 1/17 my life has been really different. So much happened so quickly that I know that we both are just reacting as it comes.


Some interesting realizations have crept up on me. Things like, he is exactly the same now as he was in his 20's in many areas.


I now truly understand much of what makes up his insecurities. And his relief from them only feeds and fuels mine further.

I awoke this morning feeling tired, frustrated and generally out of sorts. I wish it could be work, but that's no longer the stresser that it once was. OH it still has its moments but in general, not so bad anymore.

I am frustrated because I feel unappreciated. Oh he thanks me for helping, but I feel like he's just that much more appreciative of the MILLIONS who call to offer well wishes in response to his dramatic emails and text messages. However they aren't the ones doing the hard work. I am. So am I unreasonable about this?

Meanwhile - I feel like an ass for even ALLOWING that to cross my mind - why??? because this is his coping mechanism and I should not be resentful of that. And in truth its not the resentment to it that bothers me.... its that this takes precedence over all the crap I do here.

I have a wise friend in the south. Jules and I spoke today. She mentioned an interesting concept here. She believes that he has to handle these other people that way because he doesn't believe that he will get the support from them without working for it. So he treats them better because he knows I won't leave him.

It's the perversity of human nature. Meanwhile I have become somewhat quiet and withdrawn and he has noticed and doesn't know what to do. I can't rally right now though I am trying to. It just frustrates me. And I know I am being unreasonable... but I am missing a lot of the things that we used to do together. The uncompromised time we spent together- without his phone pinging constantly with calls and texts.

Things are off for us right now. Really really off. I understand that. I understand why. I know he's in pain.... I know he's not capable of eating regular food right now. I get it. He's not happy, he's more depressed. I really understand. I just need some understanding too. I don't want to be just a "room mate" and that's what it feels like right now.

What I want most is for him to be well again. I want him to be healthy and well and hopefully wise - r....

It can't happen soon enough - every day that this goes on I worry that the cancer spreads further.

The pillars

Pillar 1.

Well the job officially changed this afternoon.

I report to a new manager - that appears on the surface to be good news.

I will be doing the same basic job with one major componant removed - making my job actually easier on some levels.

But the down side is it leaves me open to layoff. A sitting duck if you will. When you are one of many and they need to cut heads....

I keep reviewing the things that are not going in an acceptable manner and trying to figure out how to move things along for the better.

Pillar 2

I spoke to the Pres of the group I sing with tonight. He had promised that he was appointing me to the board to fill a vacancy. The current VP ( the witch from other posts) has done a marvelous job of slandering me and 3 members out of 5 objected to appointment based on, as it turns out, nothing. What was said about me was that I am not capable of doing a good job and that I don't follow through and complete my tasks.

Hello? I am a project manager by trade. Not finishing tasks would get me fired.

Oh snap. wait.

I just had a major job change didn't I?

Hmmm.

Pillar 3

My relationship is not going well. I really don't know whats happening but we are on the Pulling back phase right now. Space - yes. Time - yes. Frustration - yes. I am hurting because of this. Largely because I really do not understand what I did or didn't do to cause this or what in general is happening to cause this whether it was me or not. It's been two months. And it's been really rough. Ironically - nobody wants to leave - which is always hopeful. I try to focus on the good things and let the so-so ones go. But at the end of the day, right now, I feel like we have taken a step backwards. I understand what caused THAT and we have discussed that. But it's really hard for me.

At the end of the day, what my heart and mind keep circling back to is maybe I'm not as good at my job as I thought. I've been doing it for 15 years and I had the top customer in my company for 4 of those. But maybe I'm not that good. when you are told you aren't doing a good enouogh job often enough and long enough - you start to believe it.

Now it's ad enough that I am dealing with this at work, but now the singing group that I have been with for 12 years is basically telling me the same thing now on an administrative post. Now I know it's crap, but the same kind of commentary has come up in a second place. With almost the same words - only none of them know my work life so they couldn't know that. Accident? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then you factor in the difficulties I am encountering in my romantic life. My brain continues to circle around what I did or did not do to cause any one of these three pillars to crumble and fall like this.

My whole psyche hurts. I can't figure out how I went from being such a strong woman who is good at her job and valued by her customer, sings professionally and is valued as a volunteer in her singing groups and loved by her best friend in the world to being the weak, unqualified and undervalued employee, a singer who can't hold a simple administrative function like writing the English language to take notes, and the woman who just feels like a burden now.

Which one is the real me???? I don't think I even know anymore.