Are We really Grownups?

In the media, we always hear the stories of men who go to sleep in a drunken stupor after weeks of partying and wake up next to a wife and 3 kids and wonder how on earth they got there.

It should not come as any surprise that this happens to women too.

I just woke up the other day and realized that I am coming up on 40 years old. I am tired and burnt out of my primary job. I am the caretaker of a cancer patient who is starting to rebel against treatment and taking care of himself. My eczema is out of control though it's trying to make it's way back.

I looked around at my friends. People I used to stay out to all hours of the night, people who drunkenly stood on chairs with lampshades on their heads, friends who kept me up all night crying about this man or that woman - who broke their heart.

They are all married with kids now.

I saw a comedian. I can't remember his name but he's in nine million films. The two favorite roles that come to mind are the kiss-ass sales guy in pretty Woman and the father in !0 things I hate about you ( otherwise known as The TAming of the Shrew).

This guys stand up is so incredibly funny. He does a bit where he's talking to his friends newborn. He's looking as if into a crib and speaking as if to a baby.

"Hi there - did you know I used to hold your dad's head while he threw up??? Did you know it was YESTERDAY?"

He goes on to say that he is unclear how anyone that he knows is allowed to have children - without a permit or anything. No test??? Are you kidding???

I never laughed so hard.

But it did get me to thinking about some things.

Forty is a big birthday and a big number. Have a led an honorable life? Have I done anything to be proud of?

Logically the answer is yes to both. Emotionally, I feel like I have forgotten to put on my underwear before leaving the house. I feel like I forgot to do something. I can't REMEMBER what it is.

Growing older to date has been a gentle process for me. THis one is starting to freak me out a bit. I feel like there is too much at stake and too much I didn't do.

And I"m scared.

You see - We found another lump. It's on his throat. It's not large. But it's prominent enough to see. I got him to make his doctor appts today.

I'm worried, I'm stressed and I'm scared. Oh and a little bit pissed because his radiologist office called the house today claiming they have been trying to reach him and no resonspe fo r WEEKS!!!

WEEKS!!!!!

As I felt my head explode inside, I calmly picked up the phone and called him. My call was not taken ( big surprise) so I lef the information on his voice mail. I also sent him a text message as well.

He walked in 10 minutes later and I handed him the phone and said "Call them. NOW".

And he did.

I complained that I have the opposite of the midas touch to him tonight. He looked at me and hugged me tight. He said " I don't see that - I have doc appts I wouldn't have made if you hadn't gotten on me. That's major."

It's being a grown-up.

Since when did I become the adult? He's 12 years older than me and I am constantly on him about getting things done. Thats not me. I'm the one content to sit on the couch and watch movies when I should be doing the dishes!

We all grow up at our own pace.

But 40 is still scary. For now.

Plans and my five things

Today's five things that I am thankful for are:

1. I am good enough at my job that I am in higher demand than I thought. As of yesterday I have a new position in my company in my primary area of expertise. On the one hand I am not happy about moving managers as I like mine overall. I would rather stay with a good boss than move in my area of expertise to an unknown. It sounds crazy but good leadership is hard to come by. But I am thankful to know that I am that valued that they really made my current boss angry by taking her number 1 and her number 2 away from her.
2. I am Thankful for my ability to recognize my faults and work on me. I am using this blog to help be a better "me" now. I can't change Jon, but I can change me. SoI am looking at the things in me that could be stronger and better and working on those. I am going to keep trying to improve the strengths I have as well.
3. I am Thankful for the challenges that I have been given. These challenges in all forms make me a stronger person. One of my tasks is to try and be more trusting and I think that tonight is going to be an exercise for that. I am looking for the strength within me that I can handle this gracefully.
4. I am Thankful for the fact that I am struggling with this list! It makes me human!!!! This is really hard - I was too generic and broad yesterday so not repeating is really hard.
5. I am Thankful that Jon is here with me though we are having still some difficulty.

This was the hardest day - I'm sure that this will get easier as time goes on but wow - I can't tell you how I struggled to not repeat myself and I'm not at all confident that I did that well.... But it's my exercise and my blog dammit so there!

The bottom line - I am really trying to do work on me and myself to be a far more enlightened and spiritual person.

If I do that - it will matter less what others think. I spend a lot of time protecting the things I have worked so hard for and worrying about everyone else and their needs. I joke with Jon pretty regularly that it's all about him and rarely about me. That's true for about 65% of the time. I just don't usually see that 35 % is in fact, about me. Just because, at times, it feels like I love him more than he loves me doesn't mean that he doesn't love me.

So one BIG thing at time. I'm working on trust. THe funny thing is, I figured what "event" made him the way he is. I just don't know what "event" made me the way I am. Isn't that weird?

Oprah

I am not an Oprah fan.

I am not a Martha Stewart fan either - and I actually have personal access to her.

However, my mom, meaning well, subscribed me to the Oprah magazine.

I am stupidly behind in my periodical reading given how busy life has become in 2008. So in my travels, I always bring one with me to read so I can catch up.

I took one to the beach with me the other day when walking. I tend to do the full boardwalk and then sit on one of the many benches and watch the ocean and the folks around while reading and listening to my ipod.

I read a fascinating article on love and the universe. It told the story of a woman who was advised by her psychic to write down a list of qualities she wanted in a partner "right down to the color of his socks" and put it away. The universe would deliver him to her. According to the story - it did.

Nice story - very oprah-esque - but I wasn't buying it.

So when my massage therapist gave ME the same advice I looked at her and laughed. She then proceeded to tell me how she went through a rough period - really rough - until she met her current partner. Whom she is madly in love with and he with her. They are an amazing couple too. I worship them because not only are they amazing people but they inspire others. Just by being themselves.

After that last huge fight, I went to teach her a voice lesson and being so in tune with me - she immediately asked me what was wrong.

We talked for awhile and after imparting that advice, I went home and did just that. I made my list. And with only one or two minor exceptions, that man is sitting in my home. He's just not ready. The universe delivered me a half baked cake. Maybe I'm so supposed to finish off the recipe.... tee hee.....

Anyway - the bottom line is when you step back and discover that the problem isn't yours, but you are involved due to proximity, the only thing you can do is work on yourself. You can't solve another's mid life crisis, or growth period. Which is more or less what this is.

So - I started doing just that. And I noticed a big change - in him and in us. Good ones.

We aren't all the way there but in 4 short days, he started working out again, he started making calls to his doctors to set up appointments, he is cooking again, we went out to a movie and had a drink in public, we are going to a play in the city this weekend ( the most affordable theater in NYC I might add - 18 dollars a ticket) and we started making some music together.

What did I do? I know you are dying to ask. For one thing, I stopped all discussions of money unless he initiated it. Temporarily. Just give him some time to get his head together. I did the food shopping so he didn't worry about how much money food was.

I went to my Pilates class. I am planning to do at least one more day per week starting next week. We started clearing and organizing the music room and he made some contacts with his old land lady to get our dining room table out of storage so we can get rid of mine ( its 20 years old and VERY Unstable).

I made a new deal with myself too. That each day I am going to write down 5 things that I am thankful for. Right here. For all of you to see. If I commit to doing this here, I will at least make an effort.

Sounds Oprah-esque doesn't it? Well it is. I got an anniversary mini book in one of the magazines called "What I know for sure". IN it she rights all kinds of neat gems with stories.

This one - called - "Be Thankful" is very ironic as it's November and very timely for Thanksgiving. She talks of her meltdown on the phone with Maya Angelou. And All Maya said to her was "Say Thank you". She was shocked into silence and asked why. Because by being thankful you are accepting the gifts you have and being grateful for the opportunity to receive. Thus making you able to receive even more. And I think we can all agree - Oprah's life has been bountiful and she has been sharing that bounty for years.

So in keeping with that, here are my five things from today:

1. I am thankful today that I have a roof over my head and healthy food to eat
2. I am thankful for all my friends and family.
3. I am thankful that the man that I love is getting better.
4. I am thankful that our country is getting a fresh start. Now let's see what he does with it.
5. I am thankful that I have a job - two - and that I am able to provide for my family.

There won't be any repeats for awhile. I am going to try and keep my word on that.

You know what's kind of funny about this exercise, is that I do something similar with my students. I have noticed that no matter what kind of family I teach in, I have kids with self esteem issues. I don't know what that's about to be honest, but given my own, if I can help a child release that burden I try. So what I do with them at each lesson is I tell them things about them that I like that are not necessarily music related and part of the general conversation. Then at the end of the lesson I make them tell me two things about them that I like that are NON MUSIC related and then two things that they think they could improve on. Then I let them do that to me. It's worked wonders on one kid who has a manipulative and lying streak in her.

Another thing that I do is that when we fight or we have things like this happen that don't really involve me but I am involved in due to proximity, I go to work on something that I am doing FOR HIM. Like his fundraiser that he doesn't yet know about. Like the Christmas party that I arranged to have so many of our friends at so we can be there for his first performance and his birthday. Like his Christmas gifts. All those things. I feel better for doing those things and refocuses my energies of anger elsewhere.

Oprah's show may drive me crazy - I do like her as an actress - but her magazine has some really good stuff in it. I'm not sorry I get that magazine now. It does have some good points.

She's not quite my hero but she does have some wisdom to impart.

Fate and life choices

As you all know I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe that there can be "perfect" matches but they can change over time.

I am not the same person I was at 21. If I had married the man that I loved in my early 20's I would be miserable, divorced and probably a mother.

I'm lucky enough to still call that man by the title "friend". But husband? uh - thanks - no.

What I discovered in looking back at the men in my life from the very first one to the most recent is that they all had something special in common. Two things actually.

One: They were either musicians OR had a deep love of music.
Two: There was a sensitive side to them.

Growth is possible between two people. If you are lucky, you grow together through love, respect and.... communication.

We had a week of highs and lows. Actually that describes my life with him perfectly. Now, normally, I would tell you that I would choose a man who would give me safety and securtiy. And um. well. Boredom.

I am NEVER bored with Jon. Never.

After a very eventful week, we had a scheduled game night tonight. We love board games and played them while he was in the hospital daily.

Tonight was a scheduled pot luck sit down dinner with 3 couples and then two board games over dessert.

Last night I came home from teaching and he announces that the audition for the play in the city that he was asked to read for was moved up to, that's right, TONIGHT.

5-8.

Dinner was scheduled at 6:30.

He cooked the entree in the morning and got on the train while I was out east getting groomed. He went to his brothers and then to the city. They got him in and out in an hour. We ended up 30 minutes late to dinner - and since we were bringing it and the hostess was running behind it worked out well.

This was a great night. We were on opposite teams. And yet we were still a team. It was quite funny but we were acting like an actual couple - possibly for the first time in front of our friends like that. It was nice and it was odd.

Up till now, while we were a couple, we were still sort of a secret couple.

Slowly but surely that is changing. I got a healthy dose of a lot good stuff today. He bragged about me right in front of our friends which I loved and was surprised by. The whore wasn't mentioned at all in any capactiy. He and I played off each other like the pro's that we are. It was obvious to everyone.

He also told everyone at the table about my different laughs. It was incredibly touching.

I know you are all reading this and scratching your head thinking "What's the big frickin deal? So what"

And if I were you - I know that's what I would be saying.

The fact is - we have been working hard to become a unit - a single unit - not two people in two worlds acting as one once in awhile.

I have a secret to tell you too.

I knew 9 years ago, after his divorce - that he was the only man for me. I love that but I hate it.

I knew that no matter who I dated, he would be the man by which all others would be measured. And while at times that bothers me, most of the time I am content in that knowledge.

So game night was a success in a lot of ways. The boys won Trivial pursuit though we gave them a good run for their money. We won Pictionary. By a hair. But we still won.

The fact is that I know how I feel about him and he knows how he feels about me. I dont' fight it I gave that up a long time ago. He does occasionally still fight it, because he's accustomed to a certain lifestyle and hasn't made 100% peace with the choice that HE wanted to make. He told me the other day that moving in was the best choice he made in a long time.

We are actively working on making this house "OURS". Since we decided in this uncertain economy that moving not a choice for the time being, we are making what we have work better for both of us.

As for his illness, we had a scare this week with some sudden and rapid swelling in the lymph node ( in about 30 minutes ) and we took a trip to the ER and there was nothing they could do because I had him ice it before we left the house and by the time we got there, it was gone. It happened again the next day and we identified it as being related to the hole in his tonsils. Food gets in and voila! Instant swelling.

To add a sad note, a dear friend of mine had her mom pass from the same type of cancer on Friday. While that scared Jon terribly as it did me, our hearts and condolences are with her and her family right now. We love her mom and will miss her terribly. The family is in her thoughts at this time.

To wrap this up, fate is a funny thing. Whether you believe in fate, soul mates or whatever isn't even important. I make my life choices by my gutt a lot of the time. I made the choice about Jon 9 years ago. It just wasn't "our time" yet. I'm not even sure it's our time now. But I think we are a lot closer to that than we ever were.

So whether this is fate or a life choice - or both - I am not sorry.

And I am NOT bored.

Random musings

I have had a lot of things going on lately.





Here's the breakdown.

1. Work - My least favorite topic these days so I'm putting it here to get it done and out of the way. It's become increasingly difficult to get the job that was outlined in March done. The ruleset changes each day and it's a difficult environment to work in and I don't feel like my boss has my back. It's very frustrating to work for a client who has no regard for polite society and a complete sense of entitlement that is not earned or deserved.



2. Health (mine) - Blood pressure is playing around - can't seem to decide if it wants to be on the low side of normal or the high side of normal. Tends more to the low but my stress level is bumping it lately. Imagine that. Weight loss is going well. I have consistently maintained the 4lbs I took off last week. I am taking a pilates class one day per week and trying to walk the boardwalk more often. I am really tired lately. I'm generally trying to be healthier. Replacing some of my old products with healthier alternatives etc.



3. Health (Jon's) - So we are scheduling a lumpectomy to remove the inactive tumor in his neck. He has lost a tremendous amount of weight and we discovered he is now a 44 in jackets. He started out as a 48 and consequently A LOT of REALLY GOOD clothing is being donated to the Unitarian Church down the block. He still has active tumors on his tonsils and those need to be cleared up - right now we are taking no action and letting the radiation treatment finish it's work. There was improvement week before last though the course of treatment has been complete for some time. They will likely do another PET scan and a biopsy at the time of the lumpectomy. They cannot remove the tonsils and tumors themselves because the surgery, aside from being very disfiguring, would be highly dangerous. The surgeon thinks that there are other alternative at this time so we are reviewing those first. He's working out with weights to build up. He finally is getting side effects to the Lipitor so we curtailed the usage of that drug, though he is continuing the salt tablets. His blood came back reflecting normal sodium, high calcium and high kidney levels ( in the 3's again) which only one is good. He is tired but not in pain or discomfort. He is getting used to his new responsibilities to himself and life. Two steps foward - one step back. Just less frequently.


4. Music - I did a performance of two songs last night. I did Cole Porter's "Let's Do it, let's fall in love" and "I have dreamed" from The King and I. I LOVE the Cole Porter tune and Jon said it lays really well for me, I just need to stop "reading" it (even though I did it off book completely) and relax more. Words were a problem but not a huge one. I used mental rehearsal on how to perform this ahead of time and it worked beautifully. I envisioned how it would go, and it was almost exact. I looked nice, he looked nice. It was a fun dinner. He was happy I made him go. Other than today, I am back to my voice lessons too.


5. Finances - Wow. I can safely say that never in my life have I wanted so much and had no funds with which to do it. That's OK. It's called a budget and I am being vey prudent in this economy. We need some new appliances and that's not optional. We also want some new furniture and for that we are saving. I may well start hawking the Arbonne just for some extra cash.


6. House - Well the house is a mess. I have been working so much and doing so much that this has gone to hell in a handbasket. I am dedicating the majoity of the weekend to cleaning and organizing. Except for this blog and the nap that I have planned. I plan to cook and to clean and to generally be domestic.


7. Relationship - This is going better. Not perfect but whose is? We are working at it. It's the little things that count right now and that's what we are doing - working on the little things. It's weird because in some ways this feels like a marriage and in others not as much. More so than not, but I see a lot of things going in a positive direction. I'm almost afraid to say more lest the other shoe drops!

I think that's it overall.

my over-reaction is understandable, but it IS an over-reaction

I would confess, but then I would have to believe in confession....

So let's call it sharing.

I will SHARE that I am capable of, and from time to time have exhibited the signs of over reactions.

So in the efforts to identify what is valid and what is an ACTUAL over reaction, before I freaked out and made a perfect ASS out of myself, I decided to reflect a bit and sleep on it.

In the overcast isolation of the beach, listening to the surf crash the shores, I really thought about what upset me the night before.

Here is what happened:

In an effort NOT to editorialize, I will stick to facts first.

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

OK now for the editorialized version ( in red):

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer [I feel like a computer widow already - put it down and watch the damn movie with me!]. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com [OK are you kidding me????]. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen [Now I ask you - why on earth would you show me a picture of a woman who has sent you an ice breaker and ASK my opinion???]. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

So I wake up and decide that being angry isn't going to get me answers. I need to think this through and sort this out.

But first - I plurk it out because I need perfect strangers ( and some new and old friends) to tell me I'm a freaking nut job - by the way - thanks guys!)

While at the beach - and plurking from my mobile ( is there no END to my obsessing??? evidently not!) It occurs to me that if that ice breaker had been in my email, I would have looked out of curiousity too. And then seeing one friend of mine - looking for more would not be a stretch either.

Which is what he said when asked directly.

But nooooooooooooo. Taking him at his word is almost too much effort. And why you ask?

Go ahead - ask!

Well I made a list. Oprah ( whom I do not care for) said list makers usually get their dreams once they get out of the shallow pool. Ok I summed the 3 page article up into one sentence but whatever - Get the Feb 2008 issue out and look it up - it was good.

My list comprised of his issues and then mine.

Here's his issues list:

1. We moved in together before the relationship was really ready.
2. He was diagnosed immediately after moving in
3. He wants this life but is having trouble giving up the old one - for reasons 1 & 2
4. His self esteem issues. They are low. To start with, factor in all that he has been through and the fact that his "safe" ego boost through performing has been taken away and I am left with a shell of man looking for all the boost he can get - Oh and my opinion is suspect because I already love him.

Here's mine:

1. We moved into together before the relationship was really ready
2. He was diagnosed right after he moved in
3. I am having trouble with my own self esteem
4. I am desparately afraid of being hurt. I can't handle emotional pain. It doesn't kill though it should.

It's a fine line I tread here.

The fact is, if we were to split up now, I would join the ranks of women who abandoned him. I want to shake him and say "Snap out of it" A la Cher on this one. On the other hand, I have always said and maintained that regardless of who it is, god help the woman that loves him, for he will want what is in the past. I actually understand that. He mourns for the past because it is known. Not necessarily comfortable and happy. But Comfort in the known entity. He also has an uncanny knack for looking at his past relationships through rose colored glasses and re-arranging them to suit his ego and how much bruising it can take. There are always shreds of the truth in each arrangement.

Of course, I'm not any better. No one is. History is written by the winner. I'm fond of that saying. Breakups are not unlike war and relationships are at times battlegrounds. So all he is doing is re-writing his personal history to make it more palatable for him. I get that. I do that too. I think to some extent everyone does. Who wants to be made a fool of and the actually remember it that way??? Answer: No one. So we subtly re-write these anecdotes to make them more palatable thus allowing us to move forward. In our heart of hearts, we know the truth and sometimes even trot out for examination though never too close.

THe thing with him is, these historical adaptations enable him to portray himself in a better light. THe neat and cool thing about him is, that he actually tries to be THAT person the next time. THus - achieving growth.

I, however, am the anomaly in this equation called life. Likewise he is mine.

15 years ago, if you had told me this is where I would be, I would have laughed you out of the room. Or had you committed for insanity. Same for him.

I expected to be married by now - though to who I am sure I don't know. It just seemed to be the natural progression of things. I knew about 10-12 years ago that there was not going to be just a generic guy that was going to date me, propose, marry, kids etc. I can't have normal. I don't think I would even know what to do with that. I always knew that living together without a formal proposal would be hard on me. I didn't know then why, but I do now. It's the trust.

We are meant to be together. I do realize that. I just don't think I realized how hard it would be. I have never lived with a man before in this capacity.

The upside to this, I discovered how much he talks about me when I am not around. I knew from his other friends while he was in the hospital and I was making the rounds. And of course our mutual friends, but I was atonished at the bar on Friday to discover that I was as much a celebrity there as he was. People I did not know where coming up to me and telling me what a good job I do taking care of him, of how much love was there, how amazing it was to see us both out and looking so good together, him telling people about my teaching and musical performance, about how he makes me dinner, etc. It was touching.

I pay for nights like that in spades. Once he catches himself being happy, he has to do something silly.

That was a really long winded explanation for my over reaction and I honestly don't expect anyone to read all of this or for that matter care. I needed to write it down and get it out so I can let it go. I need to do that more often.

THe mid-life crisis part II

Sit back and get comfy, Because I seriously do not know how long this is going to take.

Honestly, this period of growth is more painful than the stagnated existence I was in.

But, I am trying to get in the spirit of the thing.

I signed up with Arbonne and am using the products and my face has never looked better.

I am paying ( still) dearly for a phone call I made last weekend to a friend in the midwest that upset me so terribly that I inflicted some major damage on myself afterward. So, needless to say, I am putting some of that behind me and trying to put myself outside the situation and look in.

Jon has realized that I am burning out at work and he's trying to take some pressure off me. He is now able to cover the food shopping in the house, so while I am physically doing the shopping, we're using his money for it. It's been a load off me in a lot of ways.

He also researched the Rec center we have here in town ( a GORGEOUS facility. I was amongst the first day campers there when it opened in the early 70's and my dad was teaching summer school ) and determined that we should both join as they have a full out gym, several pools, ice skating rink and 12 dollar Yoga classes. The annual membership is minimal.

We are both becoming members of the county museum here as well. Something we both like and enjoy. Likewise a work friend is a season ticket holder ( possibly THE BEST seats EVER) at lincoln center for the NY philharmonic and has generously offered the nights he cannot go to us.

Most everyone who knows me will say that I am doing a lot for someone else and not doing as much for myself in the past few months. And while I agree with that in some respects, my mind is all about me and the things I am not getting and not having done for me. Being me, I am not verbalizing those things. Largely so as not to aggravate the cancer ( my old joke - don't make it mad!) But those things turn into resentments and get compared to reality a lot and thus I get very hurt and eventually over time - I get angry.

I used to be better at this. Before the illness - I would just lob it back at him and have it out. I feel sort of powerless and protective that I should not get angry at him.

The reality is, he has cancer. He does not or did not have a lobotomy. He will make me insane, he will drive me mad and make me angry and I will do the same. He makes sure he verbalizes it to me, but I am scared. I am more afraid that the cancer will get worse and he will die. I would rather have here and alive and me be pissed at him, then him dead.

Of course, I was talking about leaving him until Monday night. I am quite sure that is not going to happen unless it is his choice and it's not.

We are talking about some more major investments together. I am writing my will and he will be doing his, though he has no material assets beyond the music gear ( do NOT kid yourself - its' worth more than my new car! ).

My GOSH - relationships are freaking TOUGH!. I work harder at this than I do at my actual job. Which I hate. my job that is.... lol

I have started journaling again to help me re-discover the new path that I am on. I am using a Goddess journal that I was given to help me on the journey. It's not easy but I feel better already.

Oh - I should add that he made me go to the doctor yesterday because my eye was not improving from what appeared to be an allergy related issue. I was unable to wear contacts, but it wasn't red or swollem - just uncomfortable. I have a condition called a deteriorating epithelial. It's not a big deal and nothing that isn't treatable, but the eye doctor is now convinced that my torn cornea's are part and parcel of this condition which is genetic. There is no pain from this just the umcomfortable feeling that something is in the eye.

The big joke for us both was that the solution is a sodium/saline ointment. So I have to put this in my eyes and he has to consume it. What a freaking pair. Also I can't see, he can't hear. Lovely.

He was so relieved and he researched it and discovered that it was truly not serious and the fix is really that simple. So he and the docs agree. Good.

Jon is making efforts that include me and what I want now too. This is a big change from a man who puts himself and his needs ahead of everyone in the world. He asked me to pick up dinner one night from the teh take-out place that I like - he does not. But he found some things on the menu that he can deal with and placed the order and had me pick it up on the way home. I was surprised.

He is a little vain - but then so am I and his vanity has been compromised with the disease. He doesn't feel attractive. It always surprises me. Because he's always attractive to me. So I finally told him that the other night. He should dodge a camera - he is a good looking man regardless of the cancer. But the reality is, he weighs less than I do now and he's 6'1. His hair is starting to thin and fall out from the chemo and he has no teeth. He does not feel strong, he tires easily and is generally in bed by 10. All strange and all odd for him. When I pieced together some things - I understand more. It doesn't make me like the situation more, but understanding really helps.

He researches the internet for news every day. He loves politics and is constantly reading the presidential race news to me. We watch baseball together and cheer the mets on. My dad would be so thrilled!

Anyway - stay tuned. Things are getting better.

Special thanks to Mrs. Jax and my Hil-Bil.

a mid-life crisis does NOT mean corvette's and hot chicks

At least not for most women.

For all people, A mid life crisis is simply an urban term assigned an evolution of your life. Moving into the next phase.

I have discovered that when I moved AWAY from the things that once defined me, I felt lost. Very lost.

I still feel lost and that's largely because I did not replace those things with more evolved things.

Cryptic - maybe. But wait.

When Jon had his "midlife crisis" he was and still is to a large extent battling fading youth. On the one hand - he wants his back badly, on the other he wants to slow down and stop working so hard to impress today's youth with how "hip" he is.

It's made life hard for both of us because I was the one who had my shit together and he did not.

My midlife crisis looks like this:

• My relationship with God, while fine and I pray daily, has had me away from my church for a few months - though I did manage to get to two OTHER churchs. I miss it but I have very conflicted feelings about going back. Until they are identified and negotatiated I can't attend my own church. It's nothing personal - it's me and a professional obligation.
• my relationship with Jon is still uneven - though much better and improved. It's just not as settled and stable as I would like.
• My house is a mess. Literally. More so than even I can deal with.
• My relationship with myself is a problem. I am overly critical of myself. I am not taking any more care of myself than I absolutely have to.

This is the short list.

So in last month I decided to identify one thing on this list that I Can tackle.

Of course being the perverse psycho that I am I picked the hardest one - me.

Jon and I are walking in the morning. We are going to do 3 days a week together. I also plan to watch my diet FURTHER - I already do pay attention to it. I have a dear friend in Arizona who is going to be my diet / fitness buddy and I am really excited about it.

Jon and I talked about getting back into yoga. I can't wait! My wonderful friend and Massage Therapist ( Nessa) got me thinking. Yoga is so great. I miss it. Yoga, meditation.

She got me to change my skin care to something that's not onyl better FOR it, but works amazing results in a week. In researching the company, I realized that for the first time, I was excited about integrating these products into my life.

I am considering acupuncture to help deal with the eczema/allergy/asthma issues.

I'm not UNHAPPY - I just know that there are things that I need to change as I evolve into the better version of me. I know I"m in there somewhere.

My life...

is no longer recognizable.

I'm not sad about that overall.

But have you ever stepped back, reviewed where you are now and wonder how you got there?

And more importantly - why you are there?

I was listening to a broadway show in the care on my way home tonight ( I'm singing a duet with a student of mine for a cabaret concert). It was released in 1991. It's a good show, not phenomenal by any means in my opinion but it does ring some powerful emotions to the surface. It's not a happy show either.

In listening to it, I am reminded that this was the year I graduated with my undergrad degrees in Music Ed and performance. We all left school with stars in our eyes and the hope of future in hearts.

Of course there are pitfalls as well as the pinacles. Between my three best friends from college and I, in the last 17 years we have experienced marriage, children, death of a parent, sever health scares, purchase of first and second homes, multiple job changes, divorce, construction, etc.

This is what makes up life in the reality as well as the abstract.

My life, is shaken up right now. I am still sorting through the pieces to be honest. I started having this conversation with Bernie the other night - and don't worry - I want to finish it with you and I hope you are around on Thursday evening......

But I digress from myself....

I have a lot of things that I am looking at differently.

I noticed that I hate my job. In ways I can't describe. But I know why. I work for someone who demeans his people and is never pleased. When you work for someone like that, you are constantly belittled and berated for doing the same good job that you did before. I have no problem with high expectations, but I do have a problem with consistantcy and trusting that the person above you has your back.

I have 3 more days. It can't come fast enough.

As for my living situation. My life is not less complicated with my best friend here. But it is better. For the most part. Yes we fight. Yes we make up. We are passionate people so the fights are always dramatic. Someone tries to leave, someone persuades them to stay. It's never the same twice.

We are finding out way here. I don't know a different way to say that. It's not new to him but it is for me. I find that he is more patient with me than even I realize here.

My life is practically unrecognizable from before - BUT - we are working on the compromise thing and it's starting to take on elements of each others lives and slowly building into one.

He said perfectly the other day. IN choosing a life together you are choosing just the good and bad times, but you are choosing to do the work that takes the everday living and blends it into the good and bad times. Its this work that is the most diffcult.

There are times I miss my life from the past year. Or aspects of it. I miss aspects of our relationship that are now different. Some better, some not, some the same.

Mostly my problems relate to change and my inability to deal wtih it.

My life is changing drastically. We'll see how this pans out.

The three C's: Compromise Communication and Compatability

These are the hot buzz words in my household and life of late.

Compromise:

You have all seen the toilet paper post. That was less about compromise and more about choosing your battles. I lump the two together because they are linked in a way. Fighting every battle is not the way to go. I learned this the hard way years and years ago. Fighting every battle is the path to dominate and have your own way. That is how choosing your battles is part of the compromise.

I am still working my behind off on this. The compromise is always a challenge for me, the person who has lived alone for the past 15 years. It's a challenge for him who has lived alone for the past 10. Imagine the fun we have with this and both of us have control issues.

I think that my neighbor said it best this morning. The women have a tendancy to take care of the men and that's that. IN my case that is most certainly true. And don't get me wrong, because I like to take care of him. It doesn't bother me one bit. But that does require compromise as well.

Communication:

Crap.

Meaning - I suck at this.

Not that I am incapable of communicating - I am not. Not that I never do it - I do. But do I really say what's happening in my heart of hearts? Not always.

And he does - to a point.

Certainly better than I do.

I am working on this. This and trust - not good at either. BUT I consider it a work in progress and I didn't freak out when he took my IPOD. He told me who called him today while he was asleep.

He also told me that the whore called him day before yesterday. She was very upset that he was "shacking up with me ".

Seriouslly - How crude can you get?

His reponse - perfect by the way - was...

"This stopped being your business 6 months ago".

I loved him so much in that moment. And it made me want to try harder to communicate. So that's a good thing.

I thought about why I am not good at it. I am afraid. I don't like strife and battle. I am afraid that the person will walk out on me or hate me or any of those things. It has actually happened to me so it's not without basis. However I am working really hard at this and I think it can get better.

I think back at the fact that I shared my depression with him. That was huge. Hell - my own family doesn't even know that. But he does. And he didn't judge me. Nor I him when he told me about his own.

Compatability:

This is unbelievable. Though I am writing about all the things that are weird and different, the reality is that I have never started living with someone that fit so perfectly with me as this man. I mean literally no one. Our compability is amazing.

And here's the neat thing to me. He was laying in bed this morning.... I was changing my clothes.... I caught him checking me out....

Silly - maybe. Flattering - hell yes. Surprising - kind of. We see each other at our best and worst now.... So catching that in the mirror was really amazing to me.

We are now filtering through the chores and through the moving process.

For a person who hates change, I kind of like this one even though it's not how I saw my life unfold on the one hand and on the other, it is completely what I expected.

Blog silent

I know I have been "blog silent" for awhile and I keep drafting posts up now and again but never finishing them to actually post them.

Largely because I don't know how to finish them.

Being a fairly decisive person, I usually make and stick by my decisions. They don't come easily but once I decide, after research of course and m y trusty pros and cons list, I plow forth.

I have made some "snap" decisions in this past month that are very uncharacteristic of me. I am not upset with them. I am not unhappy with them, I am just still undergoing the normal process that I go through while making them, even though I already know the outcome...

Yes - I admit that's weird. And the topics are not topics I can readily discuss on my blog as they are, while good fundamentally, too serious in nature, for me to post at this time.

I will acknowlede that the job change hasn't taken place yet. Though I am DYING for this to happen and sooner rather than later.

I reconnected with my dear friend Elle. I have missed her horribly so this is a good thing. And she needs me too, which is nice, as she is now going through a divorce. I have missed her kid too so equally good for me.....

I have sung my swan song with the Merrick Chorale. They are using me and not paying me so as much as I love the folks that sing there, I will not be singing the major works with them in the future. If my coach is directing, I will happily sing, but that's it. I will be using the line "I'm so sorry - I'm not available on those days" and moving on. Of course if they decide to offer it to me and pay me - different story altogether.

I honestly have no issues other than my living environment and I am working through that.

I do want to comment on my post the other day "good is not the absence of bad".

Mrs. Jackson posted a great reference on that post - please take a look - especially if you know her. She is completely right. With one exception that I did not include in my post:

Psychological abuse. It's as evil if not more so than the physical. Because it's harder to undo. though neither is acceptable or good in any way. It's subtle in nature and usually you don't even realize it's happening until it's too late. YOu just feel wretched and don't understand why.

But generally speaking - A good relationship is whatever you define goodness as. For me, goodness includes but is not limitied to: Love, laughter, conversation, attraction, intelligence, commitment, compromise.

That's for my purposes.

But as for being blog silent I promise to try and be more proactive.