A long ways back, I did a post on going to bed mad. And how you shouldn't.
The Digital Father did a podcast about happy marriages ( Episode 30) as discussed with people married 50+ years.
Debunking the ever popular "Don't go to bed mad" myth actually made sense. Sometimes you have to in order to think with a fresh mind.
I bring this up to illustrate what happened last night.
I spent the better part of my afternoon - about 4-5 hours specifically - setting up a wireless router and network in our home so that both his desktop and my laptop could connect with the benefit of few to no wires.
It was not as easy as Cisco would make it seem, however it was less complicated than I originally had envisioned.
That not withstanding - I still experienced a number of hitches that someone who works with routers -both wired and not- every day should have expected. Ironic that I am the voice of reason and troubleshooting when it's me and a client but when it's just me??? I'm a freaking lunatic who ate the majority of a chocolate bunny during the 5 hours this projecct entailed.
So it should come as no surprise to you that when I returned from my rehearsal and was reading email from his own computer for the first time and it shut down in the middle, the anger and frustration that went on. I was trying to work on it and simultaneously he's fighting to connect. I offer him my laptop in the interim - but no. I mention multiple times that I am addressing the issue. He continues to huff and puff, sigh, curse, and bitch.
I finally shut everything on my laptop down, setup his email and say "just use mine for now - I can't fix it while you are hammering away".
I go to bed.
He makes a snide remark about half a job. I said if he thinks 4-5 hours is half a job I would like to see him do it since he was out playing all day.
He walks in and immediately changes his tune. Now he's mister nice guy. Lots of "I Didn't realize that" and "Obviously you are as frustrated as I am but deal with it better" and crap like this.
Somehow - with no actual apologies - we mend the fence.
By the time I went bed, I realized that we fought it out to a logical conclusion though it was not a realistic problem. It was frustration on both sides.
But it made me laugh. For me - it's better to resolve it right away - making me wait leads to not at all. Usually.
We have had some instances of some major fights that wait for the morning. Some are lined up out in the hall STILL waiting.
Well - these 50+ year marriages - they didn't say WHAT morning it had to wait for now did they?
It's good advice though. I just suggest you pick and choose when to use that.
Monday, March 31, 2008
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Keeping things normal
An interesting topic came up yesterday.
He came home from the annual St Patricks day parade a couple of towns over.... ( Please do not ask me the rationale for why they had this on March 28. It had to do with it being the seat of the Cathloci Diocese and Easter... you really don't want to know). He had been with his best buddy from HS and some of the "kids" ( early 20's ) that he hangs with from the restaurants he works in over the summer... They were durnk - duh. He made sure they got a table and some food in their stomachs when they all decided to get mushy on him about his illness.
He was, for the first time, bothered. On the surface for those who don't know him, it wouldn't have appeared bothersome but the mere fact that he mentioned it to me at all means he was bothered by it.
Once finished with his story - he told me that he only told the people that wouldn't fall apart on him about it. Then he asked me why I didn't fall apart.
I admitted that I had, I just wouldn't ever do it in front of him. He was surprised. I'm generally known as the mushiest of all of them. So the fact that he hasn't seen it at all really struck him. So I told him about Mark and his esophagial cancer. He knew the story, but had forgotten.
The fact is, Mark told only 2 people he was sick outside of his immediate family. For this very reason. He knew he was terminal and he knew that there was no way he could handle everyone falling apart on him. So he made sure his family and best friend didn't share with anyone. Until he died.
He came home from the annual St Patricks day parade a couple of towns over.... ( Please do not ask me the rationale for why they had this on March 28. It had to do with it being the seat of the Cathloci Diocese and Easter... you really don't want to know). He had been with his best buddy from HS and some of the "kids" ( early 20's ) that he hangs with from the restaurants he works in over the summer... They were durnk - duh. He made sure they got a table and some food in their stomachs when they all decided to get mushy on him about his illness.
He was, for the first time, bothered. On the surface for those who don't know him, it wouldn't have appeared bothersome but the mere fact that he mentioned it to me at all means he was bothered by it.
Once finished with his story - he told me that he only told the people that wouldn't fall apart on him about it. Then he asked me why I didn't fall apart.
I admitted that I had, I just wouldn't ever do it in front of him. He was surprised. I'm generally known as the mushiest of all of them. So the fact that he hasn't seen it at all really struck him. So I told him about Mark and his esophagial cancer. He knew the story, but had forgotten.
The fact is, Mark told only 2 people he was sick outside of his immediate family. For this very reason. He knew he was terminal and he knew that there was no way he could handle everyone falling apart on him. So he made sure his family and best friend didn't share with anyone. Until he died.
I retold this story - and my best friend stood in the hallway, jacket still on, and said "I can't cope that way. I need to talk about it and get support from others".
"I understand that and that's what makes you different from Mark - though you are so similar in many other ways. Whatever you need to do to cope in this area is fine. Talk about - don't talk about it - just do what's best for you and not worry about anyone else." Was my reply.
"I am the luckiest man in the world. I know the best people. Starting with you. The whole reason that this situation is actualy tolerable is that I wake up here every day. " He walk to me and hugs me long and hard.
I am speechless ( YES ME!). My eyes well up with tears. I choke them back so he doesn't see them and I reply:
"Yes. You are indeed lucky. For not only do you know the best people, but they have the priviledge of knowing you. And I am blessed to love you. "
Thursday, March 27, 2008
You can't win all the time
I had my "best friend bullshit-o-meter" installed about a month ago.
This is the neat meter that enables the woman in his life to determine what is fact and what is BS.
His younger sister alerted me to it during the crisis of both cars being dead at the same time. I mentioned that there was something wrong with his odometer and she held up her hand and said " I refuse to listen to anything where he and cars are concerned. He does not and will not take care of them".
Hunh.
That's odd - because I recall the conversation about 2 months ago where he said he still had time before he needed an oil change.
(Picture me scratching me head and looking confused)
Then she said - "Do you have your best-friend-bullshit-o-meter tuned up?"
That's when I realized mine must be outdated as I had it installed about 10 years ago but because we broke up and stopped speaking for awhile I let the updates lapse.
So I had it tweaked and updated and tuned up and all that.
And Guess what???
That's right.
It works.
Get this.
We both had business to conduct last night. We both expectd to be home by 9. He wanted an early night as he had an MRI the next day.
I should warn you that he has a claustrophobia thing. So he went ahead and checked out the machine and the room the day before to make sure it wouldn't drive him too batty. He knew it was closed but decided to go ahead with it anyway.
I arrived home at 10 and he wasn't back yet. Not surprised that he wasn't home yet, I went about doing what needed to be done. Next thing I knew - it was 1AM.
I call to make sure that he isn't dead. He was on his way home. He ended up finishing his business and played an impromptu gig that payed. Not too shabby.
He got home and it was clear that he had been drinking. Not too heavily but heavily enough. I pretty much predicted at that moment that the MRI wasn't happening.
This morning I wake up and the first thing out of his mouth
"I'm not having the MRI today"
Duh. Really?
"why not?" ( I already know)
"The Claustrophobia thing" he says, not looking at me.
come on now - who are you kidding?
"I thought you were going to suck it up and do it anyway? What changed" ( the vodka that's what)
"I had a dream about it." (At your age - this is the best you can do???)
"Well you need to call and reschedule it - let's do that now. It needs to be done prior to the radiation. " I say - handing him his phone.
"Yes - I"ll do that now....." He gets up to leave
Following him.... "Why don't you ask if you can be medicated before putting you in - valium or something"....
"OK good idea...." Not that many places to go within the house.....
I start working and I hear him on the phone.
The next thing that happened was he spent the day in bed.
I guess that Bullshit-o-meter works pretty well.
This is the neat meter that enables the woman in his life to determine what is fact and what is BS.
His younger sister alerted me to it during the crisis of both cars being dead at the same time. I mentioned that there was something wrong with his odometer and she held up her hand and said " I refuse to listen to anything where he and cars are concerned. He does not and will not take care of them".
Hunh.
That's odd - because I recall the conversation about 2 months ago where he said he still had time before he needed an oil change.
(Picture me scratching me head and looking confused)
Then she said - "Do you have your best-friend-bullshit-o-meter tuned up?"
That's when I realized mine must be outdated as I had it installed about 10 years ago but because we broke up and stopped speaking for awhile I let the updates lapse.
So I had it tweaked and updated and tuned up and all that.
And Guess what???
That's right.
It works.
Get this.
We both had business to conduct last night. We both expectd to be home by 9. He wanted an early night as he had an MRI the next day.
I should warn you that he has a claustrophobia thing. So he went ahead and checked out the machine and the room the day before to make sure it wouldn't drive him too batty. He knew it was closed but decided to go ahead with it anyway.
I arrived home at 10 and he wasn't back yet. Not surprised that he wasn't home yet, I went about doing what needed to be done. Next thing I knew - it was 1AM.
I call to make sure that he isn't dead. He was on his way home. He ended up finishing his business and played an impromptu gig that payed. Not too shabby.
He got home and it was clear that he had been drinking. Not too heavily but heavily enough. I pretty much predicted at that moment that the MRI wasn't happening.
This morning I wake up and the first thing out of his mouth
"I'm not having the MRI today"
Duh. Really?
"why not?" ( I already know)
"The Claustrophobia thing" he says, not looking at me.
come on now - who are you kidding?
"I thought you were going to suck it up and do it anyway? What changed" ( the vodka that's what)
"I had a dream about it." (At your age - this is the best you can do???)
"Well you need to call and reschedule it - let's do that now. It needs to be done prior to the radiation. " I say - handing him his phone.
"Yes - I"ll do that now....." He gets up to leave
Following him.... "Why don't you ask if you can be medicated before putting you in - valium or something"....
"OK good idea...." Not that many places to go within the house.....
I start working and I hear him on the phone.
The next thing that happened was he spent the day in bed.
I guess that Bullshit-o-meter works pretty well.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Let the bad times become the good times
"When I was younger man I hadn't a care
Foolin' around, hitting the town, growing my hair
You came along and stole my heart when you entered my life
Ooh babe you got what it takes so I made you my wife"
The man I am in love with was this guy. Describing him as Peter Pan would be an understatement.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like living a dream
And ooh I love you
He has looked back. Many times. He spent a lot of dwelling time looking back. Now I think he's starting to get off his butt and possibly remove his head from it. His life is improving ever so slowly because it HAS to.
You came along from far away and found me here
I was playin' around, feeling down, hittin' the beer
You picked me up from off the floor and gave me a smile
You said you're much too young, your life ain't begun, let's walk for awhile
There is a lot of truth to the old adage, The best husbands come from reformed playboys. I know this to be true of him. Ever so slowly I see the turn away from old destructive behaviours. I see new and stable ones taking their place. There is never a more apt description than this verse. That includes the drinking, the plaring around, the feelin down... all of it.
And as my head was spinnin' 'round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
Thank you babe for being a friend
And shinin' your light in my life
'cause ooh I need you
As my head was comin' round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
We started out as friends. I believe that some of the best relationships started out that way. We have this connection, it's in each others eyes. We but have to look at each other and we know what the other is thinking and it was ALWAYS like that. And it continues.
Thanks again for being my friend
And straightenin' out my life
'cause ooh I need you
Honestly - those of you who know me - you know this is exactly what is happening. This part of the chorus. He tells me every day how much he appreciates me.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like livin' a dream
Ooh I got you
If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you
One of my best friends, Elle, said the words "Let the Good times be the Bad" to me after her mom passed away in August.
Her mom told her this before she died. About marriage and relationships.
And if there was ever a couple that would know a little bit about this, it her parents.
What she meant, in essence, was that if you can support each through the bad times the good times are a piece of cake. When you look back on your life as a couple, you look at the bad times as well as the good because those are the times that you grow as a couple.
You have to grow individually but also together. It's a tough balance.
This morning, in the midst of all the negative stuff that's been going on lately, I awoke at 8Am to a song that means a lot to us and one that I love.
The irony here, I was in the middle of a horrific dream. Waking up to this song, with him standing in the doorway, proud of himself for getting his computer in and setup AND playing my favorite song, was a beautiful start to my day.
See here's the up's of late.
He told me the other day how lucky he was to have me and how good about himself I make him feel.
Then I spent some time with his niece who told me how happy she was that he had me in his life and told him not to screw it up.
He cooked me dinner twice in 4 days and did the dishes and tool out the garbage without being asked or prodded.
He started re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He brought me lunch.
He picked up music for me because he didn't think I would have time.
And most importantly, he is starting to become more optomistic. He admitted to being depressed and I gave him the job of re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He embraced it so succinctly that he is up and at it every day. He set up playlists of music I will like so I can listen while I work. He gave me a CD of all his personal original tunes.
And he wants to start to get to know my friends and my family more.
"If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you"
I never thought a life threatening disease would change things so positively for him and us. I am thankful every day and consider myself to be blessed. It's not been without it's thorns but I wouldn't trade it.
Foolin' around, hitting the town, growing my hair
You came along and stole my heart when you entered my life
Ooh babe you got what it takes so I made you my wife"
The man I am in love with was this guy. Describing him as Peter Pan would be an understatement.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like living a dream
And ooh I love you
He has looked back. Many times. He spent a lot of dwelling time looking back. Now I think he's starting to get off his butt and possibly remove his head from it. His life is improving ever so slowly because it HAS to.
You came along from far away and found me here
I was playin' around, feeling down, hittin' the beer
You picked me up from off the floor and gave me a smile
You said you're much too young, your life ain't begun, let's walk for awhile
There is a lot of truth to the old adage, The best husbands come from reformed playboys. I know this to be true of him. Ever so slowly I see the turn away from old destructive behaviours. I see new and stable ones taking their place. There is never a more apt description than this verse. That includes the drinking, the plaring around, the feelin down... all of it.
And as my head was spinnin' 'round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
Thank you babe for being a friend
And shinin' your light in my life
'cause ooh I need you
As my head was comin' round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
We started out as friends. I believe that some of the best relationships started out that way. We have this connection, it's in each others eyes. We but have to look at each other and we know what the other is thinking and it was ALWAYS like that. And it continues.
Thanks again for being my friend
And straightenin' out my life
'cause ooh I need you
Honestly - those of you who know me - you know this is exactly what is happening. This part of the chorus. He tells me every day how much he appreciates me.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like livin' a dream
Ooh I got you
If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you
One of my best friends, Elle, said the words "Let the Good times be the Bad" to me after her mom passed away in August.
Her mom told her this before she died. About marriage and relationships.
And if there was ever a couple that would know a little bit about this, it her parents.
What she meant, in essence, was that if you can support each through the bad times the good times are a piece of cake. When you look back on your life as a couple, you look at the bad times as well as the good because those are the times that you grow as a couple.
You have to grow individually but also together. It's a tough balance.
This morning, in the midst of all the negative stuff that's been going on lately, I awoke at 8Am to a song that means a lot to us and one that I love.
The irony here, I was in the middle of a horrific dream. Waking up to this song, with him standing in the doorway, proud of himself for getting his computer in and setup AND playing my favorite song, was a beautiful start to my day.
See here's the up's of late.
He told me the other day how lucky he was to have me and how good about himself I make him feel.
Then I spent some time with his niece who told me how happy she was that he had me in his life and told him not to screw it up.
He cooked me dinner twice in 4 days and did the dishes and tool out the garbage without being asked or prodded.
He started re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He brought me lunch.
He picked up music for me because he didn't think I would have time.
And most importantly, he is starting to become more optomistic. He admitted to being depressed and I gave him the job of re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He embraced it so succinctly that he is up and at it every day. He set up playlists of music I will like so I can listen while I work. He gave me a CD of all his personal original tunes.
And he wants to start to get to know my friends and my family more.
"If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you"
I never thought a life threatening disease would change things so positively for him and us. I am thankful every day and consider myself to be blessed. It's not been without it's thorns but I wouldn't trade it.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I'm scared
Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how I can be strong for those that I love. Or in this case - the one that I love.
While I know this to be true.... each day comes back with information that strikes fear in me. I won't communicate that to him because he's already scared.
He now needs to have oral surgery to remove some of his top teeth. Due to surgeries in his youth for a cleft palette, he has some teeth that were weak but not detrimental. Given that radiation will increase the speed of decay in bone more specifically teeth, he has to have a few removed.
Which means that has to happen immediately as the radiation cannot start until that is healed. Meaning another week or two.
I don't think I need to tell you that this chink in the chain is not the greatest news because it means prolonging the arrest and shrinkage of the tumors.
The good news is still that nothing has spread to date.
We are busy working on Medicaid and I am researching the possible side effects and charts and stats and cargiving info all the while.
But that doesn't erase the fear.
I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer. Information always gives me that option so I research on. I am only now communicating my fears to others as I do not want him burdened with it.
It's funny, my friend Mark passed away of esophagial cancer 4 years ago. He told no one that he was sick. I kind of understand why. He didn't want people to treat him differently and he didn't want to be constantly reminded by people falling apart around him.
Of course that is the complete opposite here. He texts his entire phone book with the news and sends out email blasts to the rest. It makes it easier if he has to tell it fewer times. But on the other hand - he does like the attention.
To a point. When it comes time to be serious and beyond the fans saying "oh no - we'll say a prayer" and the real work starts with driving to and from appts, getting them on the calendar, making sure we have paperwork, the right foods, drinks, meds etc.... he doesn't want to deal at all.
Can't blame him there, but it is still necessary.
Meanwhile, I have this thing where I feel that I need to make everything good and happy and there is no fighting and strife and tra la la.
So when he borrowed my car to go to band practice last night for 2 hours and came home 5 later with no call or anything, I was pissed. Even more to the point, he had been drinking and driving. My car. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. At all. I got 2-3 hours at most and had to wake up at the crack of dawn to move it as he had to park it on the street because my spot was taken at that hour.
Did I pick the fight - no. It wouldn't have mattered if I had - he was drunk he wouldn't have remembered it anyway. I will calmly mention it later but the fact is he was being inconsiderate. I recognize that he wanted to go see one our friends to tell them the latest in person, but evidently his finger broke or his mouth or the freaking cell phone and he was unable to call and let me know so I wouldn't worry. Nothing I could do about the drinking as I wasn't there.
He knows that has to stop - that's the good news. He is going to get some help and treatment for that as well because once the radiation starts - that has to go. Can't do both. It's like pouring fuel on a fire.
To be fair given the status of things and how fast they are changing - I am not sure that I wouldn't' be drunk most of the time... I just wouldn't try to drive or even operate anything heavier than the remote. I don't give him a hard time with it unless he does something stupid like that.
So this blog, at least for the short term, is going to become a bit of a vent/rant/express how I am feeling about all of this. I ask you to please be patient with me. I haven't done the caretaker routine first hand in about 5 years.... I'm out of practice.
And I'm still scared that I could lose the man I love.
While I know this to be true.... each day comes back with information that strikes fear in me. I won't communicate that to him because he's already scared.
He now needs to have oral surgery to remove some of his top teeth. Due to surgeries in his youth for a cleft palette, he has some teeth that were weak but not detrimental. Given that radiation will increase the speed of decay in bone more specifically teeth, he has to have a few removed.
Which means that has to happen immediately as the radiation cannot start until that is healed. Meaning another week or two.
I don't think I need to tell you that this chink in the chain is not the greatest news because it means prolonging the arrest and shrinkage of the tumors.
The good news is still that nothing has spread to date.
We are busy working on Medicaid and I am researching the possible side effects and charts and stats and cargiving info all the while.
But that doesn't erase the fear.
I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer. Information always gives me that option so I research on. I am only now communicating my fears to others as I do not want him burdened with it.
It's funny, my friend Mark passed away of esophagial cancer 4 years ago. He told no one that he was sick. I kind of understand why. He didn't want people to treat him differently and he didn't want to be constantly reminded by people falling apart around him.
Of course that is the complete opposite here. He texts his entire phone book with the news and sends out email blasts to the rest. It makes it easier if he has to tell it fewer times. But on the other hand - he does like the attention.
To a point. When it comes time to be serious and beyond the fans saying "oh no - we'll say a prayer" and the real work starts with driving to and from appts, getting them on the calendar, making sure we have paperwork, the right foods, drinks, meds etc.... he doesn't want to deal at all.
Can't blame him there, but it is still necessary.
Meanwhile, I have this thing where I feel that I need to make everything good and happy and there is no fighting and strife and tra la la.
So when he borrowed my car to go to band practice last night for 2 hours and came home 5 later with no call or anything, I was pissed. Even more to the point, he had been drinking and driving. My car. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. At all. I got 2-3 hours at most and had to wake up at the crack of dawn to move it as he had to park it on the street because my spot was taken at that hour.
Did I pick the fight - no. It wouldn't have mattered if I had - he was drunk he wouldn't have remembered it anyway. I will calmly mention it later but the fact is he was being inconsiderate. I recognize that he wanted to go see one our friends to tell them the latest in person, but evidently his finger broke or his mouth or the freaking cell phone and he was unable to call and let me know so I wouldn't worry. Nothing I could do about the drinking as I wasn't there.
He knows that has to stop - that's the good news. He is going to get some help and treatment for that as well because once the radiation starts - that has to go. Can't do both. It's like pouring fuel on a fire.
To be fair given the status of things and how fast they are changing - I am not sure that I wouldn't' be drunk most of the time... I just wouldn't try to drive or even operate anything heavier than the remote. I don't give him a hard time with it unless he does something stupid like that.
So this blog, at least for the short term, is going to become a bit of a vent/rant/express how I am feeling about all of this. I ask you to please be patient with me. I haven't done the caretaker routine first hand in about 5 years.... I'm out of practice.
And I'm still scared that I could lose the man I love.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Worst case scenarios and other disclaimers
I work in profession that regularly has to rely on outside companies to do work for us. That requires my company to regularly have to CYA.
In laymans terms "Cover Your Ass".
So, it came as no surprise to me that CYA applies to ALL professions in some form or another.
In the medical field - they call it "Worst Case Scenario".
I think I like that term better - but not when it applies to someone I love.
So - the-worst-case-scenario that we got from the Endoscopy appt yesterday was:
"You may lose your voice and your ability to speak and sing. We can do a trachyotmoy and give you a speaking box to communicate with".
I freaked out. I went to bed.
Quite literally - I got up and went to bed. I had timed out.
Earlier in the day, when leaving to GO to this appt, I was already half brain dead and he kissed me on top of the head and told me to stop worrying.
How the hell am I supposed to do that??? HELLO. HAve we JUST met????
Then that disclaimer comes in on the heels of "it hasn't moved or spread. Everything looks exactly the same"
Listen, I don't want to hold the outcome of this over anyone's head. This is no one's fault. Certainly not the doctors who are so willing to help a person who cannot pay for his treatments.
I just didn't like that answer.
We started a file and he made copies of everything and is working through his sister on a second opinion through Sloan Kettering. We are blessed that she worked there for so long prior to her career change.
The Radiation will start next week as planned since more than likely that has to happen anyway.
I am praying that there is a surgical option rather than a chemo option at this point as well.
So there is the latest. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's support and love. It means the world to me.
In laymans terms "Cover Your Ass".
So, it came as no surprise to me that CYA applies to ALL professions in some form or another.
In the medical field - they call it "Worst Case Scenario".
I think I like that term better - but not when it applies to someone I love.
So - the-worst-case-scenario that we got from the Endoscopy appt yesterday was:
"You may lose your voice and your ability to speak and sing. We can do a trachyotmoy and give you a speaking box to communicate with".
I freaked out. I went to bed.
Quite literally - I got up and went to bed. I had timed out.
Earlier in the day, when leaving to GO to this appt, I was already half brain dead and he kissed me on top of the head and told me to stop worrying.
How the hell am I supposed to do that??? HELLO. HAve we JUST met????
Then that disclaimer comes in on the heels of "it hasn't moved or spread. Everything looks exactly the same"
Listen, I don't want to hold the outcome of this over anyone's head. This is no one's fault. Certainly not the doctors who are so willing to help a person who cannot pay for his treatments.
I just didn't like that answer.
We started a file and he made copies of everything and is working through his sister on a second opinion through Sloan Kettering. We are blessed that she worked there for so long prior to her career change.
The Radiation will start next week as planned since more than likely that has to happen anyway.
I am praying that there is a surgical option rather than a chemo option at this point as well.
So there is the latest. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's support and love. It means the world to me.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The big "C", research, fear, chemo, radiation - to name a few keywords....
The Big "c'.
In my parents' day, this was statement was usually uttered in a stage whisper. Accompanied by the sign of the cross or "bite your tongue" or spitting depending on your nationality / religious beliefs.
Cancer.
It's amazing to me. When I hear about people who have it, I always think "They are tough and fighters - they can beat this - the success rate is so much higher today than ever before."
This one is too close to home. In fact - it's IN my home, though I am not the patient.
And I can't say those words to myself. Hence the fear.
In my parents' day, this was statement was usually uttered in a stage whisper. Accompanied by the sign of the cross or "bite your tongue" or spitting depending on your nationality / religious beliefs.
Cancer.
It's amazing to me. When I hear about people who have it, I always think "They are tough and fighters - they can beat this - the success rate is so much higher today than ever before."
This one is too close to home. In fact - it's IN my home, though I am not the patient.
And I can't say those words to myself. Hence the fear.
Fear is generally irrational and not grounded in reality or logic. At least not in the beginning.
Emotionally - I am afraid of losing him to this disease. I am angry that he has it, angry that he let it go for two years untreated and angry that it's in the throat which is his primary means of work. I am scared that we an't do enough fast enough to arrest it and treat it. I am afraid of the side effects. I am afraid of being without him.That said, I started researching Medicaid, the American Cancer society and I also started talking to my holistic healer who has battled breast cancer and survived through a combination of traditional means ( she did the radiation and chemo treatment) and through holistic treatments as well.
I am all intentions of re-vamping the dietary plan we have been eating on ( largely consisiting of take out and vodka.) and bringing more natural and organic foos into the house. More fruits and veggies. That sort of thing.
We have stepped up the closing down of his old house. I don't want the threat of that hanging over us while we are in the middle of a bigger situation. So that is being stepped up.
We have a lot to do and not a lot of time. The official diagnosis was Thursday. This tuesday is another test that will stage it and then radiation the following week and chemo the week after that.
I am fighting to get a second opinion simultaneous to the radiation. I think before anyone puts poison in their body they should absolutely get at least one more opinion. Additionally I have started bringing in the moisturizers for his skin as the radiation is very painful on the skin and hard on it overall. Given that his immune system is weak I have asked my holistic healer to please bring a bottle of the probiotics tonight to help put the good bacteria and help build him back up.
As I said a lot to do and very little time to do it. My stress level is higher today than other days but I also in major need of sleep. I am also needing to keep busy which I am doing by cleaning and organizing.
I need all your prayers and good thoughts here.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Music of my heart
You'll never know, what you've done for me
What your faith in me, has done for my soul
You'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
Through the days ahead I'll think of days before
You made me hope for something better
And made me reach for something more
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart (music of my heart)
What your faith in me, has done for my soul
You'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
Through the days ahead I'll think of days before
You made me hope for something better
And made me reach for something more
My best friend has taught me a lot of things. It was ironic. I was re-fitting a slip cover to the couch last night and he was cooking dinner, and we were just idly discussing the documentary we had been watching about de-criminalizing illegal drugs.
It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have never watched so many documentaries as I have since he came along. I've enjoyed and learned tons from most of them.
With that, I have noticed that I have seriously given thought to, and re-formed my opinions on many social and political issues of our time. Of course, I haven't gotten a personality transplant or anything. As I have always done, I see the other persons point of view, but it doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them.
We have full discussions about the state of our union, religious views, drugs, prostitution, rape, the prison system, slavery, prejudice, gangs, the homeless, medical insurance and socialized medicine...
Seriously - these are not conversations I tend to engage in. Not never, but not wanting to do battle as a rule, I stay away from these topics. We don't do battle though we don't always see eye to eye. The thing is I have learned that many of my opinions are based on my own personal fears.
You taught me to runYou taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart (music of my heart)
He has also taught me to free up the music in me and not be locked into the one thing I know how to do. Having made the observation that I am afraid to disappoint him and embarrass the seasoned performer, he has not pushed me hard. However, he also observed that every single thing he has asked me to pick up and learn I have picked up and done.
To my surprise, I am actually becoming a much better musician because of him. I am certainly more well rounded in this area and I am retaining my classical side as well.
Our voice blend like we were born to sing together. I am ever surprised when I hear us. It always makes me smile when he asks me in social settings to grab the high harmonies and please sing louder!
You were the one, always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing (made me sing)
I'm singing this for you
Everywhere I go, I'll think of where I've been
And all of ones who knew me better then any One ever will again
I'm told I'm a strong person. While I know that that is fundamentally true, I don't feel that way most of the time.
I feel in many ways, stronger because of him an sometimes weaker because I rely on him. I don't mean these things in negative ways. Having him at my defense, having him need me and vice versa- these are the things that go along with any relationship of substance from friendship to marriage to any partnership. I know this, but it's strange. Until it's the right kind of partnership with the right person, those things feel wrong. With us, they come almost naturally. Without a second thought.
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
you opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart
There are aspects of this partnership that I love and wouldn't trade and some that I miss from before. Though I have faith that all will come right in the end, for the time being things are going just fine.
He has taught me so much about the person I was, the person I am and the person I am becoming. I feel that though things are murky now they are clearer than they have ever been. I feel that the highs and lows of the past year, while harsh and difficult, lead us to this place. and for a very specific reason.
What you've taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me before
'Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free
He forced down that wall when no one else could. He broke the barriers, and forced me, gently, to see that I was capable of love. He taught me that I had to start taking better care of me and not necessarily sacrificing my happiness for someone Else's. OK - I haven't QUITE mastered that last one but here's to effort!
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Helped me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart
Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart
I write this today, because after 1 year, he has finally been to see the doctor. He has a mass pressing against his carotid artery and it is causing him enormous amounts of pain an some more alarming side affects. He has had it biopsied and Tuesday we get the results.
Though I am trying to remain positive and not jump to any conclusions, my mind does wander into that dangerous territory of "what if" once in a while. The thing is, from a purely selfish point a view, I haven't had him long enough. I'm not ready to let him go. If sheer acts of love and will and positive thinking can do anything at all - I'm all in. In fact, now that I have put it down on my blog I think I can let go of that forbidden place and completely focus on him being OK. Needing minimal treatment. Staying around.
He mentioned the other day, that commitment is committing to do the hard day to day work in addition to the big things. The problems of the living so to speak.
I am worried. I am prayerful. I am thankful.
He's the music in my heart.
Sunday, March 02, 2008
The parental units
Someday I want to read the mom handbook.
You know - the one that doesn't necesarilly TEACH you about how to raise your kids, but the one that all parents use expressions and end with the tag "Well, that's what it say in the parenting handbook"
Or how they behave for reasons that are eons old. Handed down generation after generation since Adam and Eve had THEIR kids - Cain and Able.
I can actually sort of see how that one went to be honest. Two boys? - you know the younger was the favorite. You also must know that in addition to that, the grief those boys gave their folks about being kicked of Eden must have been hell....
Which explains the need for parents to want better lives for their kids. A worthy goal to be sure.
The prodigal son story also truly explains the favorites bit. It's fairly self explanatory.
Having said all this.... Last night My best friend's mom and sister came to his gig. On his break. at 10:30.
I am thrilled that they are there for his sake. Not entirely comfortable for my own - but lets leave that out of it.... for now.
Mom makes a beeline for me and directly asks me how the living situation came to pass. I neatly deflect it and ask about brother. Phew..... Sis is taking up best friends time.... good all around. I compliment mom's parenting by telling her that he's wonderful around the house and clearly he's a good boy and was raised right.... I think I am in good for awhile.
He takes his mom into the now empty dining room. Leaving sis with me. She only has two switches - on and off. Lucky me - tonight is on. We have a great time. We have a drink and catch up.
They come back and he goes back on, they get up to leave.
She never heard him play a NOTE!
I'm offended on his behalf when he says "You're leaving? I haven't played a note since you got here!"
Sis responds "good guilt ! excellent" and they return to the bar. He plays three good songs then they pack it in and leave.
This morning - the phone rings. My phone.
It's his mom. How did she get this number? I think. Then mental headslap, she has had it for years. The benefit and his birthday.....
First, I put her on hold. Second I wake him up, third, he swears.
The next thing to happen is pacing, changing of clothes and the rushing to get out there, and my fielding calls. the onyl discussion we get to have between us is "She didn't hear a word I said last night".
That's not a good thing. He told her some very important things last night. Including his own health issues.
Parents are funny creatures. I have been taking her task on some of her behaviours where her other son is concerned ( my best friend ) and asking him to go easier on her because she is losing a child. I can't even imagine what this must be like for her. But I do know what this is like for him. He can't watch his brother perish anymore. It takes so much out of him and is borderline debilitating at times, most of which are coming more and more frequently. If he hadn't put in his time already for the past 5 years, I would say that he had to be a little more flexible with this - but he's been carrying the bulk of the load for so long and his shoulders are only so wide. It was time for him to hand the cross over to someone else for his own sake.
He came home in immense pain - physically, emotionally and spiritually. We talked for awhile and I put him to bed.
Till the phone started ringing.
Parents are funny creatures. ONce you become a parent, you are agreeing to love and raise this baby into a responsible human being. Teaching right from wrong, teaching the values that are important to you and passing family histories and generally helping to mold a responsible adult while giving some freedom to make choices and mistakes along the way.
This is a tough gig. You are signing on for a lot and there's no guarantees. And no REAL handbook.
I am not a parent and am not at all sure that I would a good one. My respect for parents in general is huge. It's the hardest job in my book and the lowest paid but I suspect more rewarding in many ways than the traditional 9-5. YOu are after all your own boss with joint ownership in most cases.
Your priorities completely change when you are a parent too. Once changed though, based on my parents and my friends parents, I suspect that they don't exactly alter as the child grows up though. Seeing your child as an adult who can, in fact, manage their own lives because of ( or in spite of at times) the parenting job you did would be difficult. The tendancy to want to jump in and prevent or fix still exists. My mom does this all the time and while frustrating - it's still a sing of love and protection.
I'm dealing wtih parents that aren't mine and seeing world I am not accustomed too, though I knew about it going in ( the fine print on the bill of sale), it wasn't live-in-person till the past month. I am finding it treacherous at times BUT I am finding that I am handling it better than I thought and I am grateful to my own family right now for just bearing with the fact that I am more incommunicado than is normal due to this overwhelming change.
No doubt about it - parenting is a tough gig. God bless all of you who are parents and all of us who have our parents - while they may not be perfect, they are ours. The good things about all of us came from them. The responsible adults that we have all turned into? them.
Their only fault ?
Being human.
That's the commonality between parents and their children.
We are all human.
It's because of this that we err.
It's also because of this that we perform miraculous feats.
You know - the one that doesn't necesarilly TEACH you about how to raise your kids, but the one that all parents use expressions and end with the tag "Well, that's what it say in the parenting handbook"
Or how they behave for reasons that are eons old. Handed down generation after generation since Adam and Eve had THEIR kids - Cain and Able.
I can actually sort of see how that one went to be honest. Two boys? - you know the younger was the favorite. You also must know that in addition to that, the grief those boys gave their folks about being kicked of Eden must have been hell....
Which explains the need for parents to want better lives for their kids. A worthy goal to be sure.
The prodigal son story also truly explains the favorites bit. It's fairly self explanatory.
Having said all this.... Last night My best friend's mom and sister came to his gig. On his break. at 10:30.
I am thrilled that they are there for his sake. Not entirely comfortable for my own - but lets leave that out of it.... for now.
Mom makes a beeline for me and directly asks me how the living situation came to pass. I neatly deflect it and ask about brother. Phew..... Sis is taking up best friends time.... good all around. I compliment mom's parenting by telling her that he's wonderful around the house and clearly he's a good boy and was raised right.... I think I am in good for awhile.
He takes his mom into the now empty dining room. Leaving sis with me. She only has two switches - on and off. Lucky me - tonight is on. We have a great time. We have a drink and catch up.
They come back and he goes back on, they get up to leave.
She never heard him play a NOTE!
I'm offended on his behalf when he says "You're leaving? I haven't played a note since you got here!"
Sis responds "good guilt ! excellent" and they return to the bar. He plays three good songs then they pack it in and leave.
This morning - the phone rings. My phone.
It's his mom. How did she get this number? I think. Then mental headslap, she has had it for years. The benefit and his birthday.....
First, I put her on hold. Second I wake him up, third, he swears.
The next thing to happen is pacing, changing of clothes and the rushing to get out there, and my fielding calls. the onyl discussion we get to have between us is "She didn't hear a word I said last night".
That's not a good thing. He told her some very important things last night. Including his own health issues.
Parents are funny creatures. I have been taking her task on some of her behaviours where her other son is concerned ( my best friend ) and asking him to go easier on her because she is losing a child. I can't even imagine what this must be like for her. But I do know what this is like for him. He can't watch his brother perish anymore. It takes so much out of him and is borderline debilitating at times, most of which are coming more and more frequently. If he hadn't put in his time already for the past 5 years, I would say that he had to be a little more flexible with this - but he's been carrying the bulk of the load for so long and his shoulders are only so wide. It was time for him to hand the cross over to someone else for his own sake.
He came home in immense pain - physically, emotionally and spiritually. We talked for awhile and I put him to bed.
Till the phone started ringing.
Parents are funny creatures. ONce you become a parent, you are agreeing to love and raise this baby into a responsible human being. Teaching right from wrong, teaching the values that are important to you and passing family histories and generally helping to mold a responsible adult while giving some freedom to make choices and mistakes along the way.
This is a tough gig. You are signing on for a lot and there's no guarantees. And no REAL handbook.
I am not a parent and am not at all sure that I would a good one. My respect for parents in general is huge. It's the hardest job in my book and the lowest paid but I suspect more rewarding in many ways than the traditional 9-5. YOu are after all your own boss with joint ownership in most cases.
Your priorities completely change when you are a parent too. Once changed though, based on my parents and my friends parents, I suspect that they don't exactly alter as the child grows up though. Seeing your child as an adult who can, in fact, manage their own lives because of ( or in spite of at times) the parenting job you did would be difficult. The tendancy to want to jump in and prevent or fix still exists. My mom does this all the time and while frustrating - it's still a sing of love and protection.
I'm dealing wtih parents that aren't mine and seeing world I am not accustomed too, though I knew about it going in ( the fine print on the bill of sale), it wasn't live-in-person till the past month. I am finding it treacherous at times BUT I am finding that I am handling it better than I thought and I am grateful to my own family right now for just bearing with the fact that I am more incommunicado than is normal due to this overwhelming change.
No doubt about it - parenting is a tough gig. God bless all of you who are parents and all of us who have our parents - while they may not be perfect, they are ours. The good things about all of us came from them. The responsible adults that we have all turned into? them.
Their only fault ?
Being human.
That's the commonality between parents and their children.
We are all human.
It's because of this that we err.
It's also because of this that we perform miraculous feats.