Massive Upheaval

You know,when you fall in love with someone, your life changes.

Sometimes for good and sometimes for bad.

But the change is inevitable.

What I have discovered after watching two movies tonight with Jon, is how we have both changed.

Largely positive.

For example. I have realized that I have dreams and hopes. I don't think I did before. Certainly not conscious ones. But I noticed that I gave up a lot of activities that kept me "busy" and stayed home a lot more and the two of us talk and think and brainstorm and watch films and music. IN doing all of that, I noticed that what was absent before was not the presence of another person, though that is true, but the absence of hopes and dreams for the rest of my life.

What I mean to say is that I really didn't have any. I have more now. They are not complete enough in my brain to write out - but they are in my head now and more importanly imprinted on my heart.

Here's something else I have noticed. I now actually have opinions on religion and politics. I am still largely in favor of tolerance since that is the foundation our country is based on, but Ihave these opinions. I am a little bit lost and confused by them because I was in a very comfortable zone, asking the hard questions only when I wanted to and investigating them only to the point that I was comfortably doing. I am still doing all of that but the conversations and discussions between us get heated at times and get very lively in good ways - all good ways - but they leave me with the feeling that all the things I knew my whole life don't work.

Honestly - for those of you who read this since the beginning - we have had some enormous challenges in my church. THe most recent for me is the fact that Choir rehearsal is at 8:15 on Sunday mornings. THat means I am in church for 4 hours on any given week. Don't even start with me on Holidays. Now I love to sing but I simply can't be awake and sing at that hour. It's not possible.

When I really sat and Identified it - My gift was bringing music to the service. If I can't do that I am not happy.

I discovered this when I subbed into a choir rehearsal the other night at another church. That is what I miss most.

Jon wants me to help the choir out in his congregation. The church I was at lats week wants me to help them.

I don't know if I am happy with those offers or if I should just suck it up and go back to my own church and deal with a choir director I"m not crazy about to sing at a time I am not wild about all because I love and adore my priest and I grew up with these people.

I don't know the answer. I am not really unhappy with the question either. I am not making any major moves to answer it right now either. THe fact is - I don't have to.

I'll know what's right when I find it.

Random musings

I have had a lot of things going on lately.





Here's the breakdown.

1. Work - My least favorite topic these days so I'm putting it here to get it done and out of the way. It's become increasingly difficult to get the job that was outlined in March done. The ruleset changes each day and it's a difficult environment to work in and I don't feel like my boss has my back. It's very frustrating to work for a client who has no regard for polite society and a complete sense of entitlement that is not earned or deserved.



2. Health (mine) - Blood pressure is playing around - can't seem to decide if it wants to be on the low side of normal or the high side of normal. Tends more to the low but my stress level is bumping it lately. Imagine that. Weight loss is going well. I have consistently maintained the 4lbs I took off last week. I am taking a pilates class one day per week and trying to walk the boardwalk more often. I am really tired lately. I'm generally trying to be healthier. Replacing some of my old products with healthier alternatives etc.



3. Health (Jon's) - So we are scheduling a lumpectomy to remove the inactive tumor in his neck. He has lost a tremendous amount of weight and we discovered he is now a 44 in jackets. He started out as a 48 and consequently A LOT of REALLY GOOD clothing is being donated to the Unitarian Church down the block. He still has active tumors on his tonsils and those need to be cleared up - right now we are taking no action and letting the radiation treatment finish it's work. There was improvement week before last though the course of treatment has been complete for some time. They will likely do another PET scan and a biopsy at the time of the lumpectomy. They cannot remove the tonsils and tumors themselves because the surgery, aside from being very disfiguring, would be highly dangerous. The surgeon thinks that there are other alternative at this time so we are reviewing those first. He's working out with weights to build up. He finally is getting side effects to the Lipitor so we curtailed the usage of that drug, though he is continuing the salt tablets. His blood came back reflecting normal sodium, high calcium and high kidney levels ( in the 3's again) which only one is good. He is tired but not in pain or discomfort. He is getting used to his new responsibilities to himself and life. Two steps foward - one step back. Just less frequently.


4. Music - I did a performance of two songs last night. I did Cole Porter's "Let's Do it, let's fall in love" and "I have dreamed" from The King and I. I LOVE the Cole Porter tune and Jon said it lays really well for me, I just need to stop "reading" it (even though I did it off book completely) and relax more. Words were a problem but not a huge one. I used mental rehearsal on how to perform this ahead of time and it worked beautifully. I envisioned how it would go, and it was almost exact. I looked nice, he looked nice. It was a fun dinner. He was happy I made him go. Other than today, I am back to my voice lessons too.


5. Finances - Wow. I can safely say that never in my life have I wanted so much and had no funds with which to do it. That's OK. It's called a budget and I am being vey prudent in this economy. We need some new appliances and that's not optional. We also want some new furniture and for that we are saving. I may well start hawking the Arbonne just for some extra cash.


6. House - Well the house is a mess. I have been working so much and doing so much that this has gone to hell in a handbasket. I am dedicating the majoity of the weekend to cleaning and organizing. Except for this blog and the nap that I have planned. I plan to cook and to clean and to generally be domestic.


7. Relationship - This is going better. Not perfect but whose is? We are working at it. It's the little things that count right now and that's what we are doing - working on the little things. It's weird because in some ways this feels like a marriage and in others not as much. More so than not, but I see a lot of things going in a positive direction. I'm almost afraid to say more lest the other shoe drops!

I think that's it overall.

Subconscious mind

My good kid - the one I NEVER have to remind to practice, always focused, always works hard - my stepford child in fact - flaked out on me for the third week in row.

She's 12.

I fully expected her to tell me that there was boy responsilble for her pie in the sky behaviour.

But no.

Perverse as this child is - it was school work.

This is the short version by the way. It took awhile to get this out of her.

I am more than just a music teacher. THe other things that I bring to the table are life coaching.

So I explain to her about utilizing her sub conscious mind to problem solve.

Did you ever wrestle with a problem, decide that thinking about it isn't getting you anywhere, and suddenly in the shower - the answer pops into your head?

Subconscious mind.

Very underutilized and usually very accurate.

Here's the funny part. I was thinking about this after I left her house. Kids actually use this technique a lot. Far more frequently than grownups.

We have way too many things we juggle. So we need instant answers so we can close the chapter on that problem and move on to the next.

Hence - we make some poor judgements and poor decisions.

What if, we put the problem aside - "sleep on it" in a sense. You may actually do that, or you may only need to do it for a few hours. Do not allow yourself the option of thinking about it. Use a key phrase to yourself whenever you are tempted to open the book on this problem in your mind. "I will deal with this later" or "I am not at my deadline for this situation yet". Pick a finite time that you WILL deal with it, and usually your subconcsious mind will have the answer.

DING DING DING.... PROBLEM!!!!!!

What happens when we start doing this and we are still making poor decisions??? OK it's possible and even probable.

My answers are simply this. One has to do their homework for the solution to fit appropriately. So be sure you have as much information as you feel you can get and need before you try this. Second - be prepared to reject the plan. Your subconscious could easily come up with the "right" plan but we reject it for any number of other reasons. That doesn't make it the wrong plan - it just makes it the "not right now" plan.

But if we are open to this kind of use of our minds, there is no stopping us from getting things working better and more efficiently in our lives.

THere is a wonderful article from Oprah's Magazine last February. In effect when we start looking at our desires and needs from the CORE of our being ( not the superficial "I want to win the lottery crap") The universe will provide them in due course.

It's an interesting concept. I'm trying it more now. You want to give it a go?

Self Esteem: A study in contrasts

Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary -
Self-esteem: Self`-es*teem"\, n. The holding a good opinion of one's self; self-complacency.

-Webster's Revised Unabridged Dictionary, © 1996, 1998 MICRA, Inc.

Hmm. Self esteem, self worth.

Everyone in the world has some. I have never met a person who has absolutely none. less than normal, more than normal. But never NONE.

But then that got me thinking. What is the normal, well adjusted amoun? Who amonst us doesn't suffer lacking or doubts about one's ability in SOME area?

For example. Perhaps you are incredibly intelligent, wildly talented BUT you are not a good public speaker and you know it. Do you then have doubts about your ability to speak in public? Perhaps.

That, however, is perfectly acceptable and normal. And that one area can be improved upon, thus improving your self esteem IN THAT area.

What becomes damaging is when you have doubts in 1+ areas and you allow them to color your perception of yourself. Thus is born the accepted definition of LOW self-esteem.

So it is no surprise when I tell you ( as if you all didn't already know this!!!) I suffer from low self esteem. I think some of the problem is acceptance. I need to be accepted as I am and I have been conditionally accepted for as long as I can remember.

Weight played a big role in that. But overall what I think plagues me most in this quest to be the best version of myself possible is that I don't do enough for the people I love. If I could only do more, I would be loved more. If I could only be thin enough, I would be loved more.

It's stupid. I look at this in writing and even I am surprised by how silly it looks. Elementary even.

I work hard at my weight - most of you who know me know that. Tonight after dinner, Jon looked at me and said "I'm going to lecture you now, just wanted to warn you! " I laughed at him. I told to go on lecture away. His only statement was "I want you to watch your portion sizes more". THAT'S it???? That's your lecture? OK. I said "I agree".

A few minutes went by. I cleared the table I poured us each a glass of wine and sat down. He looked at me and said "I'm on this new program and I want you to do it with me - so we can both be healthy. "

I said "I agree - I just started the pilates class and I am continuing to walk on the beach." He responded that he loved the fact that I was taking that class at his "church". THen he looked horrified at me.... "OH NO" he said.

"WHAT??? WHAT???"

"You will have to RACE home on Monday night!!!! Or you will miss HEROES!!!!"

I almost died laughing. So much for the lecture, thanks ADD boy!.

I have noticed that his self esteem issues are, as I have mentioned before, largely related to being attractive. Being a local celeb that he is, he is used to adoring fans, throwing themselves at him. He's not one to take them up on it, but who deosn't like the ego boost of someone thinking you are attractive? He eats that up. He loves me and loves that I find him attractive at his worst, but according to him, my taste is clearly suspect in these issues.

When I approached this topic, he wasn't really receptive today. So I let it go. But I have to laugh at him. He mentioned a couple of little tidbits from his distant past that I didn't realize or know about, and always with the tag line - Nothing you need to be worried about! It makes me laugh when he does that. I don't worry about women from his past. Only the one and even now not so much. I trust him. At least as much as I am capable of doing.

So self -esteem, in contrast between us, is interesting. I want him to stop craving approval from strangers. He wants me to stop craving approval from loved ones. There has to be middle ground and I am trying to find it.

In the meantime, I'm trying to minimize the self-doubt. Sometimes I am succesful and others less so. But I will strive to be better!

Self - esteem - such a good thing when one has it and so damaging when one doesn't.

Religious Education

There are some topics that I choose not to include in my BLOG. The reasoning generally circles around being too personal.

This topic, falls into that category on a couple of levels, but I need to write this out so you are getting the full story. As always, I welcome comments but please do not be offended when I tell you that decisions are already made for the most part.

THe day started like any other. We got up, had breakfast, I started to work, and he headed out to run some errands.

One of these errands was a stop at the whore's house. Where he spent the majority of the afternoon. He cooked ( meals for me), fixed her computer, and agreed to teach religious education at her Roman Catholic Church.

For those of you who aren't caught up, he's an Agnostic who attends services at the Unitarian Universalist Congregation. He's not just an Agnostic, he's an active MILITANT Agnostic.

I do not personally care. It used to bother me in the beginning ( over a decade ago) bit over the years of talking and learning we have come to a mid point that we both can handle.

So it came as a shock that this militant Agnostic would even consider the offer to assist in teaching.

Then I took a step back. I realized that it was HIGHLY UNLIKELY that she asked him. More likely, he OFFERED.

That made more sense. She is a very devout and strict Catholic. She takes her teaching RE very seriously. There is NO WAY she would have ASKED for his help. If she knew anything about him, there is no way that this came up in the fashion that he is portraying it.

By the way - this is one of his MO's. He offers something and then tells people he was asked. It usually means that he is covering something else.

And so it is in this case. It would appear that he is not happy with the direction their friendship is taking. He doesn't so much like that fact that he is not as important to her day to day life as he would like to be. She has more or less made that clear. She doesn't return calls and she no lionger emails with any frequency and when she does, it's usually a funny or proseltyzing email that drives him crazy.

This seems like the answer. Offer to teach RE with her, and he can be of "use" to her one time a week thus bringing the friendship to a stronger level.

So he comes home and asks me what I think of his teaching RE. This is supposed to be my opinion right? So I tell him I think it's not the best choice he could make. I suggest that while it's a really nice gesture that he wants to help a friend out, there is a lot of CATHOLIC responsibilty that he simply isn't aware of.

For example, he has to teach not only the faith and religious perspective, but he must also embrace the political views of the church while answering questions. "Go ask your parents" will not cut it If they wanted that, they would handle RE in the home.

I cite 2 of HIS favorite political issues: Birth control and A woman's right to choose. He can't advocate anything BUT abstinence til marriage and Pro-Life. Two of his favorite sticking points in the upcoming election, He's highly critical of Ms. Palin for her stance on both. So what will he do when on of these 11-14 year olds asks him about those things? lie? Go against his own belief system ? You might as well ask him not to breathe.

He has no background for this, however on the plus side he is second to none when it comes to learning something knew and doing researhc. On the other hand - he doesn't believe it himself, so how exactly is he going to sell that to kids who will see right through that?

I discovered something else today that I haven't yet shared with him. He will need to take Sexual Abuse Awareness training as well as have a background check done. The Diocese of LI requires it for anyone doing anything involving children. Hall monitors, lunch aides - all of it.

Not that he has anything to hide in either area - it's just one more thing he would have to do. There is no option to "informally" interact with kids in this setting. Not anymore.

The bottom line - he's trying to keep a foot in the door to maintain the type of friendship that works best for HIM. Not for her - she barely factors into this at all actually. He has been telling me since the hospital that she doesn't give a crap about him, returns every 10th call, every 5th email. Once she realized he was happily in safe hands with me, she stopped worrying about him altogether. And he was offended by it. Not that she and I have a problem and not that he and I have a problem and believe it or not, he's happy that she and I are OK, but he's nto reconciled to the nature of their friendship and what's working for her isn't working for him.

So I am not angry at him or her. I am not happy about this situation but I am not angry at anyone. I think it's wrong and hypocritical. It makes me wonder how well she knows him. There is a lot at stake here, but I think that my best friend has it right. It's in god's hands.

She did suggest I contact the whore and politely suggest that this is a bad idea. I opted to NOT do that. He would be livid and I would be also if that went in the reverse. So I will share the training and background check info with him and we'll see what happens after that.

I can now let this go. I've said my piece. You all know how I feel about this. So does he - we had our fight about it. He understands my position about it. He keeps saying that all this depends on how strict the congregation is. Which shows me he knows NOTHING about catholicism. Please don't misunderstand me, I have nothing against Catholics. I am one. Not Roman, but Anglican and it's more or less the same. THe term "Catholic lite" applies on more than one occasion. more than half my family is RC. my eldest brother and his family believe in Pope Pius X. So I know a little bit about this and the bottom line is, Catholicsm is Catholicsm. It has faith, doctrine,dogma and political views. Most people don't get caught up in all of that, but when you are teaching you need to be prepared for questions about that because those questions will come. I get them every day. I have to stop and think "What household am I in" sometimes as I teach, Lutherans, Catholics, ORthodox Jews, etc. I have to temper my answer based on where I am,.

He is such a smart and intelligent person. I think that kids would benefit from his wisdom, but this is not the forum for it. Not at all. It's not appropriate and has disaster for all written all over it.

But it's in god's hand now.

my over-reaction is understandable, but it IS an over-reaction

I would confess, but then I would have to believe in confession....

So let's call it sharing.

I will SHARE that I am capable of, and from time to time have exhibited the signs of over reactions.

So in the efforts to identify what is valid and what is an ACTUAL over reaction, before I freaked out and made a perfect ASS out of myself, I decided to reflect a bit and sleep on it.

In the overcast isolation of the beach, listening to the surf crash the shores, I really thought about what upset me the night before.

Here is what happened:

In an effort NOT to editorialize, I will stick to facts first.

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

OK now for the editorialized version ( in red):

We were watching a movie. He's seen it before and I have not. He starts playing with the computer [I feel like a computer widow already - put it down and watch the damn movie with me!]. I continue to watch the film. I look over and realize he's looking at Singlesnet. com [OK are you kidding me????]. He asks me what I think of the woman on the screen [Now I ask you - why on earth would you show me a picture of a woman who has sent you an ice breaker and ASK my opinion???]. I raise one eyebrow over my glasses and ask what it is that he's doing. He mentions that he got a hit on his profile from a long time ago and was curious. Then he shows me another profile that he found of a friend of his who has been married for two years.

He continues to scroll through the listings that are local to us and then puts it away - the film has ended and I just get up and go to bed - he's not tired so he stays up to watch more TV.

So I wake up and decide that being angry isn't going to get me answers. I need to think this through and sort this out.

But first - I plurk it out because I need perfect strangers ( and some new and old friends) to tell me I'm a freaking nut job - by the way - thanks guys!)

While at the beach - and plurking from my mobile ( is there no END to my obsessing??? evidently not!) It occurs to me that if that ice breaker had been in my email, I would have looked out of curiousity too. And then seeing one friend of mine - looking for more would not be a stretch either.

Which is what he said when asked directly.

But nooooooooooooo. Taking him at his word is almost too much effort. And why you ask?

Go ahead - ask!

Well I made a list. Oprah ( whom I do not care for) said list makers usually get their dreams once they get out of the shallow pool. Ok I summed the 3 page article up into one sentence but whatever - Get the Feb 2008 issue out and look it up - it was good.

My list comprised of his issues and then mine.

Here's his issues list:

1. We moved in together before the relationship was really ready.
2. He was diagnosed immediately after moving in
3. He wants this life but is having trouble giving up the old one - for reasons 1 & 2
4. His self esteem issues. They are low. To start with, factor in all that he has been through and the fact that his "safe" ego boost through performing has been taken away and I am left with a shell of man looking for all the boost he can get - Oh and my opinion is suspect because I already love him.

Here's mine:

1. We moved into together before the relationship was really ready
2. He was diagnosed right after he moved in
3. I am having trouble with my own self esteem
4. I am desparately afraid of being hurt. I can't handle emotional pain. It doesn't kill though it should.

It's a fine line I tread here.

The fact is, if we were to split up now, I would join the ranks of women who abandoned him. I want to shake him and say "Snap out of it" A la Cher on this one. On the other hand, I have always said and maintained that regardless of who it is, god help the woman that loves him, for he will want what is in the past. I actually understand that. He mourns for the past because it is known. Not necessarily comfortable and happy. But Comfort in the known entity. He also has an uncanny knack for looking at his past relationships through rose colored glasses and re-arranging them to suit his ego and how much bruising it can take. There are always shreds of the truth in each arrangement.

Of course, I'm not any better. No one is. History is written by the winner. I'm fond of that saying. Breakups are not unlike war and relationships are at times battlegrounds. So all he is doing is re-writing his personal history to make it more palatable for him. I get that. I do that too. I think to some extent everyone does. Who wants to be made a fool of and the actually remember it that way??? Answer: No one. So we subtly re-write these anecdotes to make them more palatable thus allowing us to move forward. In our heart of hearts, we know the truth and sometimes even trot out for examination though never too close.

THe thing with him is, these historical adaptations enable him to portray himself in a better light. THe neat and cool thing about him is, that he actually tries to be THAT person the next time. THus - achieving growth.

I, however, am the anomaly in this equation called life. Likewise he is mine.

15 years ago, if you had told me this is where I would be, I would have laughed you out of the room. Or had you committed for insanity. Same for him.

I expected to be married by now - though to who I am sure I don't know. It just seemed to be the natural progression of things. I knew about 10-12 years ago that there was not going to be just a generic guy that was going to date me, propose, marry, kids etc. I can't have normal. I don't think I would even know what to do with that. I always knew that living together without a formal proposal would be hard on me. I didn't know then why, but I do now. It's the trust.

We are meant to be together. I do realize that. I just don't think I realized how hard it would be. I have never lived with a man before in this capacity.

The upside to this, I discovered how much he talks about me when I am not around. I knew from his other friends while he was in the hospital and I was making the rounds. And of course our mutual friends, but I was atonished at the bar on Friday to discover that I was as much a celebrity there as he was. People I did not know where coming up to me and telling me what a good job I do taking care of him, of how much love was there, how amazing it was to see us both out and looking so good together, him telling people about my teaching and musical performance, about how he makes me dinner, etc. It was touching.

I pay for nights like that in spades. Once he catches himself being happy, he has to do something silly.

That was a really long winded explanation for my over reaction and I honestly don't expect anyone to read all of this or for that matter care. I needed to write it down and get it out so I can let it go. I need to do that more often.

Life as I know it

I had the best week.

OK parts of it REALLY REALLY sucked.

But overall I would have to say that I had the best week.

First of all, I have not cooked in 3 days. I have been treated to homemade sausage and peppers that will literally make you moan. Turkey pot pie ( made by Jon but in the whore's kitchen) and tonight marinated skirt steak.

He has been trying to do more things in general. He went to the whore's yesterday and cooked with her and fixed her computer and dropped off the picture I framed for her. Dear lord I am nice and pretty!!!

I won't lie to you - this day did make me wildly thrilled. It did NOT make me as crazy as it once would have however. I did talk him out of ( at least for now) teaching Roman Catholic religious education for her. One - he's not RC and that tends to be viewed unfavorably by the church. Two he's an Agnostic - also unfavorable by RC administrators AND parents of RC children and lastly - he has no training to teach whatsoever. He needs to take Child abuse course mandated by the county. And lastly - his reasons for doing it really suck. He's trying to be nice and ingratiating so she can see what her choice is costing her. Payback is a bitch. But more to the point - he's going to be the one who loses in the end.

I'm not angry at him and we did have this discussion tonight while we were at the pub. THe bottom line for me is, she asked him to assist partly because he's passionate about the topic and partly because she got roped in again and is a little burnt out. It's not appropriate on a regular basis to have him teaching a faith that isn't his, that he doesn't necessarily understand and believe. She can get in trouble as well.

I am suspicious of his motivations. He is so anxious to get the friendship on the appropriate footing that he will literally do ANYTHING to get it there. Including teaching religious education in a faith he doesn't believe in. We will continue the conversation but I think he needs to evaluate what he's commiting to. I wouldn't do it and I AM catholic. Of course I am also agnostic - another reason I won't teach. I can't adequately teach a faith that I am still questioning.

That aside, and the fact that we can only do a lumpectomy on the inactive tumors on the side of his neck leaving the active tumors on his tonsils, I had a good week. He cooked for me, we went to the pub and met the new owners. We saw the old staff who were thrilled to see us. Old friends. The place looks beautiful. The owners are going to buy us a dinner in exchange for his playing one night to determine if live music will work there. ( It will).

I start pilates classes at his church ( it's a unitarian congregation actually) on MOnday and he starts meditation class at the same time. We have a Sweet 16 for my God daughter ( he's giving her one of his old basses that he refurbished for her) next Sunday and I was asked to perform at the annual Prebyterian Dinner dance that Friday. Then we have the Kiwanis Installation after that. I am really excited.

More importantly I am starting to feel like we are actually a couple. We are doing things together and starting to have that life that we wanted from the start. Slowly it's starting to fit in.

I can't change this thing about him. He's like this with all the women in his past. Honestly - the reason the whore is a problem for me is that we overlapped. And she shredded his heart even before he and I got together. I've forgiven her however I would still be a lot happier with distance. She goes through fits and spurts where she gets caught up in her life and forgets about him. This of course is hurtful, however it is what it is. He has trouble letting go of all the women in his past hence the abandonment. I get it - I don't like it much - but I get it. We work through it.

This too shall pass.

I won't let it ruin my good week!

"Agnostic". It's not a dirty word

Agnostic:
One who believes that it is impossible to know whether there is a God.
One who is skeptical about the existence of God but does not profess true atheism.
One who is doubtful or noncommittal about something.

Word History: An agnostic does not deny the existence of God and heaven but holds that one cannot know for certain whether or not they exist. The term agnostic was fittingly coined by the 19th-century British scientist Thomas H. Huxley, who believed that only material phenomena were objects of exact knowledge. He made up the word from the prefix a-, meaning "without, not," as in amoral, and the noun Gnostic. Gnostic is related to the Greek word gnōsis, "knowledge," which was used by early Christian writers to mean "higher, esoteric knowledge of spiritual things"; hence, Gnostic referred to those with such knowledge. In coining the term agnostic, Huxley was considering as "Gnostic's" a group of his fellow intellectuals—"ists," as he called them—who had eagerly embraced various doctrines or theories that explained the world to their satisfaction. Because he was a "man without a rag of a label to cover himself with," Huxley coined the term agnostic for himself, its first published use being in 1870.

-American Heritage Dictionary

In my many extensive discussions with Jon, some our hot topics include religion and politics. Not surprisingly, given the state of our union and upcoming election, the conversations have increased of late.

In an effort to blow off steam, he joined a discussion group online for agnostics. He himself is a Unitarian universalist with socialist background and is a self proclaimed agnostic. He jokingly says things like "I don't have to believe in God because She believes in me" It's meant to be cute and usually stops ridicule and persecution in it's tracks. He had extensive religious education in his congregation ( which he still attends) and was basically told, "we've provided you the education,now you need to decide what it is you want to do with it."

I am an Episcopalian convert from Methodist. Born and raised in an interesting religious fashion, my mom was Lutheran by proximity - meaning, my grandmother had no specific denomination and my grandfather was Catholic. The only church that was within walking distance to their home that was NOT catholic ( the ONLY religious qualification my grandfather had incidentally) was Evangelical Lutheran. Hence my mom and Aunts were raised Lutheran. It wasn't strict and to be fair to the family - it's more the pomp and circumstance of the service and the sense of community that brought them there than it was the religion itself.

My dad was Methodist. Very religious family. Very protestant. Bible study, church school, Bible sewing circle etc. He actually toyed with becoming a minister in the latter part of his life.

I grew up learning about prayer and faith from my dad. It was very important to him, his relationship with God. He stopped the relationship when my parents divorced. He blamed God and ignored the relationship and presence. After his marriage to my step mom, he converted to Episcopal and rediscovered that relationship and nurtured it till the day he died.

I pray every day as if God were in the room with me and we were having a conversation. But I spend a lot of time as well, questioning existence. Is he really there? Is he a he? Is Jesus his actual son? Is it even likely that Mary was a virgin? These are questions that I ask myself often. I find that from a logical perspective, these questions have no answer that is readily available. Certainly not one based on facts.... just on faith. Which brings me to a bigger question. But First, more rationalizing....

The bible, is a set of stories and messages. Parables and Gospels and the like, My problem with the Bible is that in it's current form, it was assembled centuries later and was edited by Constantin and his cronies. We all know that history is written by the winners right? Edited? Does that mean there are stories and Gospels that didn't make the cut?

So, I set out in search of these things. I read The Gospel according to Judas and Thomas and Mary. I watched programs on the history channel, I researched on line. I spent time in the library. I attended other Church's and faiths.

The point being that I WANT to believe that God is who I think He/she is. I WANT to believe in these parables and Gospels. I just know that if I am to be the person that I am, I need to continually question until I find the answers that are satisfactory to my soul. But not just my soul. They also need to satisfy my intellect.

On that subject, I will say I have a fairly high IQ. It's not a superior intellect to be certain and it's not terribly extraordinary. What I bring to the table is my extensive patience to research and look for answers that are consistent with the nature of the question on the table. I am not satisfied with commentary like "Because that's how it's always been done" though there are instances where that is accurate and does suffice it should not ever be the starting point.

I can't say that I don't have faith. I won't tell you that I don't believe. I will tell you that in the definition of Agnostic in it's classic sense as quoted above, I fit that definition.

However - there are many kinds. Jon would be a Militant Agnostic. He is prepared to defend his choices and beliefs as well those of his loved ones to the mat. He looks for proof and meaning. He is a bit of a bull in china shop at times and detests proselytising in any form. He looks for the fight to prove his right to be that Agnostic in a country where "under God" was added to our non religious precious government documents in the 1950's. He believes that everyone should have the right to pray or NOT to pray. He believes in respect for all religious beliefs or NON beliefs.

That's just him being militant and I love that about him. We need rattlers and shakers. I am not that person. I am the person who does the research and hands the factoids to the militant to use in their battles.

So here's my main point. My main reasons are really quite personalized to me. The reality is that I do not trust that many people to start with. People are fallible. I love my family and my friends with every fiber of being, but occasionally they let me down. Worse yet - I let THEM down at times as well. Given that little piece of humanity, how on earth am I expected to believe in something unseen, and unproven?

My Mom is a little agnostic herself. She raised us to be good people, with good values, to be altruistic, help others, not to break laws, to be respectful of others, and to be tolerant and accepting of everyone's differences.

Being an Episcopal Agnostic means one thing to me. That I worship in the episcopal religion as my choice because I feel comfortable there. Also I worship there because I believe that in order to gain the answers I seek, one cannot sit on the sidelines and complain, ridicule or criticize. You have to be in it to win it. You have to participate in order to gain understanding, answers or... dare I say it? Faith.

I don't know if I can find the answers. I don't know if they do or do not exist. What I do know is that I will persevere in my own way. If I need help along the way, I ask for it. I discuss these things with my priest often and I sift through them regularly.

Being an Agnostic isn't really a bad thing. It means asking questions and seeking answers. You can believe that a God exists and by being agnostic, seeking the means to prove that to YOURSELF. However that proof comes to fruition. The beauty of this is, what is proof to one, is blasphemy to another.

That's what makes the freedom of religion that our country was founded on so prescient. It's a cornerstone and a foundation of our country that needs to be protected.

I'm not a political person, I happily leave that to Jon. He's political enough for the both of us. But I can and will say that we need to be a little bit more defined in our separation of church and state. And make sure that those things that are in the "grey" area are handled to a reasonable and lawful conclusion.

At the same time, I really want people to understand the use of the word "tolerance". Tolerance is defined by the Random House Dictionary as:

1. a fair, objective, and permissive attitude toward those whose opinions, practices, race, religion, nationality, etc., differ from one's own; freedom from bigotry.

I am, at times, concerned that we, as a country, don't show enough of this.

So I leave you with this. Asking questions isn't bad. It's smart. Educated people who ask questions can also be people of faith. Tolerance is the act of allowing people to ask questions of their governing and religious choices. Being educated, I finally discovered this about myself and I felt a little strange at first and Jon, knowing how that would be, talked me down a bit. Once I got comfortable with it, we were able to really talk about how we felt from a religious standpoint. A very meaningful and pivotal point for us.

Agnostics are not bad people - just folks looking for answers or better yet - looking for that one thing that will enable them to have faith that there is a God.

Cleansing

This topic is not for the feint of heart.

I am on day 6 of a 7 day internal cleanse.

THis is not my first round with this sort of thing, but it is my first round with this particular product.

I will tell you that this one was fairly difficult on me. At least the first 3.5 days were. There was some discomfort in the first few days. I had a skin rash on my chest and was moving into the bathroom.

Once I turned the corner of day 3, I discovered that my skin had cleared up, my weight had dropped dropped, I was able to move out of the bathroom and felt amazing.


My body righted itself officially on Day 4 and has maintained through Day 6 ( today). The only thing I am feeling now is occasional gas pain but that passes naturally and with only slight quesiness.

Now I know you are all scratching your head in wonderment thinking "for all the bad synptoms this cleanse imparts WHY DO IT? "

Simple - better to have those symptoms for a few days and be productive about ridding my body of the crap ( in some folks case - literally) and replace with the good, then let it sit inside me and fester.

I have hydrated more than I ever did in my life - and again for those that know me that really is saying something because I drink so much water I should float.

Niot being a stranger to cleansing, this one was entirely botanical and all natural. It was in liquid form and I will be doing this one week a month in the future to keep myself in the "clear". I feel so much better.

THe cleanse that I started internally on the physical level I wanted to continue on the psychological and emotional levels as well. So, on "our" mutually agreed day off from one another, I went to the beach yesterday. I did not walk - I read my book and sat on a bench in the sun. I got myself a neat starter tan ( not bad for the end of the season) I felt fabulous when I got home.


From an intellectual standpoint, Jon and I have been discussing a lot of politics and religious views lately. He belongs to an Agnostic site and reads me all the posts and his responses. He is supportive of my beliefs and he wants to attend my services with me one day. We have spent enormous amounts of time on this lately - what with the presidential race going in earnest. We are at the point where we are starting to finish each others sentences and read each others minds a bit.

Last night when he arrived home, he mentioned that he ran into some of his fans from one of hte bars he played in. It has since been sold, and they have kept a lot of the original staff. He wants to go down there this coming weekend and spend some time. He wants to invite everyone who normally goes to hear him play. Then he suggested that he wanted to be magnanimous and invite the whore and her boyfriend to come too.

I was confused as to why that would be "Magnanimous". His explanation was that she is wary of him. Wary of having the two men around one another so she limits it. I think that this is odd and I comment to that effect. He then said she no longer emails or calls him, unless he initiates it.

I said "take the hint".

He didn't understand. I said that when she came to the hospital I noticed a change in her behaviour. One that makes me VERY comfortable with her now. He looked at me and said, "I knew something was too good to be true there".

I just explained that the fact is that she shut that door and moved on to the next phase of her life. It appears to be a life in which she is leaving him behind, hence her behaviour towards me in the positive.

He was quiet and then commented calmly that he is happy for her if that is what she wants. He has said time and again that he can't trust her to be anything more than a friend and not even a close one at that, but that part of him wasn't entirely ready to let go. Now it looks like he has to.

I told him that it would be a nice gesture to invite the couple to come down and spend the evening with the crowd but don't expect her to jump at the opp. He agreed and we settled out a small guest list.

The fact is he is slowly rebuilding his life. well. Our life. I am allowed to make him dinner now. We are still negotiating sleeping habits but we are having activities together that take us outside the home. We are practicing music together which is great fun for both. We are building him back up. We are prepping for surgery. We are looking to make some major purchases.

I am almost afraid to let myself feel happy. But know it's right there on the edge.....