A life in Flux

There is nothing quite so scary as having the major pillars of your life in flux.

At the same time.

My company is going through a reorg and while I am assured there are no layoffs in the immediate future, within the next 30-60 days my job will change dramatically.

I tend to take a "wait and see" towards that as it has never gone "bad" before when they have done this. IN this case , I will most likely be reporting to someone else, the player to be named later if you will.

I am trying to remain optomistic in this and taking the stance of "Don't worry and fret before you have something to worry and fret about".

I don't do it well but I am trying.

Meanwhile, the relationship is not going well. Communication is hit and miss which is actually an improvement over the complete NON-communication that was going on before. I've noticed some subtle things that go to the good and some that go to the less than good of late. My own mood has contributed to that as much as my best friend's. I want more, and he is not ready yet. I am being smothering in order to hold on to what's there, and he's pulling away. So I stopped it. All of it. I am not only not smothering him, I am giving the space that we both need here. It's a perspective thing. And it's hard for me. I am not good at playing "hard to get".

Music isn't going so well either. on some levels its better than ever, but the same old problem keeps cropping up.

The short version on all of this is, when my life comes apart at the seams like this, it's usually a sign that something needs to change.

In these cases, I believe that this is a chain reaction. One thing goes south, and they all do. I think if my job straightens out, I'll be better equipped emotionally to do the heavy lifting that needs to be done on the other two. Right now, I am so drained from lack of sleep and lack of nutrients that all I want to do is lay down. I force myself to exercize. I force myself to eat SOMETHING whether I am hungry or not. I try to make it productive. I work the required hours and follow my personal schedule to the letter.

But my heart's not in it. Nor is my brain. All I want to do is cut and run from my life. Leave it all behind and start again. But the reality is, if I Can't make it work in this life, what makes me think that I can do it in another? So I don't cut and run. I stay and try to fight it out.

But this time it's different. I've lost my fight. I'm tired. bone tired. I don't want to fight. I just want to "be".

It won't be this way forever, in fact, sooner rather than later I will be in a better position to know if I want to leave this company or not. Which is good. The general consensus right now is that the change that is being proposed is actually going to make life BETTER for us. My staff has come forward and mentioned that they are all managing a level of anxiety through medication. I was shocked to know that. It's unreal. That a company of this magnitude can instill such fear and manipulation that this is the rule rather than the exception. We have had two people under the age of 40 DIE this year of sudden heart attacks. NO warning, no heart related activitiy prior. Just died. One left a small child behind. Did this wake up my management? NO.

And that's why I am willing to wait out the change because the pressure wi be relieved. Of course, if it isn't, I am already researching other positions within this company and others to move to.

I think that in the past two years, the job has been so stressful for me and the others who work for this person, that its become impossible for me to put the required energy into dealing with and managing the other aspects of my life when they go into flux. Consequently, everything came to a head and all I can do is hide.

Largely this is my own fault. I tried to make a bad situation work post merger for me and my team. The reality is that the new mgmt didn't ever want it to work. Because the environment that they came from is so different, and the merger was handled very unusually, our lives have become hell. I should have put an end date on it sooner, but my reviews were glowing so why would I do that?

There are tons of reasons why I stay but I think the most important one is that I hate change and I am afraid of the unknown. In everything. I will stay in a bad situation rather than take a risk. 'Better the devil you know' attitude.

Except in love. I was willing to give this person another chance and while it's not going well right now, I do think we can get backk to that with some effort. My problem is that I just don't have the strength and he doesn't either. For the same sets of reasons.... So space is the answer for now, we are still together, just giving some breathing room to heal from outside influences. This was a HUGE step for me. I don't do this. I don't even know how! But something is guiding me, not always correctly, but something is guiding me.

I just need another ounce of faith.

More on editing

I can talk up a good game on this editing thing.

I describe it, tell you how it's done, give tips and tricks on making it work.

But in the end, human nature prevails.

You know the old saying "Good news travels fast, but bad news travels faster?"

The same concept applies to our memories.

Interestingly enough, If you have two confrontations that happen with the same people at the same event - one positive and one negative - which are you going to remember?

Most people will dwell on the negative. Or at least that will be the first thing that comes to mind when, at some future date, you are asked to recall the said event.

I'm going to use this Christmas day as my example.

Having gone on record and said already that this was the holiday season FROM HELL, it was in no way - and I mean what I say here - in NO WAY due to my family.

It may be the first time ever, but there were no incidents that readily come to mind.

This is an example of the editing that I chose to employ.

Here's the reality.

Mary, a friend of the family, has two sons. They are 5 and 3. They are the most delightful, sweet and funny BOY boys you will ever find. I can't get enough of them and am always thrilled to be around them and included in events with them.

But they are 5 and 3.

My brothers and I spent the day before giggling and laughing at my mother because she is a neat freak extraodinaire. Sadly a trait I did not inherit.... but I digress.

With all the kids traipsing through her house, putting sticky hands on the glass doors, spilling juice on the carpet, drool, spitting up, etc.... she didn't even flinch. We didn't even know what to do when there was nothing covering the dining room table. HOw were we to eat? Where would be put the plates? Not on the WOOD???? isn't that the eleventh commandment???

So Christmas day, the little boys (A&M), their parents, my brother, my mom and I are upstairs playing Christmas Carols. I put a closed and sealed bottle of Diet Coke on a book on the piano. My mom, in mom fashion, put it on the floor. "A" proceeds to kick it and put it back so that no one notices ( I am told this later). I pick it up, open it, it sprays everywhere.

You would actually think, that surgical triage was about to take place, barking orders screaming at people to move move move. She was a little "crazed" - ( not hard to see where it comes from now eh?).

We clean up the mess, and get back to singing. I wasn't quite up for it, after the disaster, so I worked with the kids.

But I was a little upset. She made SUCH a freaking commotion over this that I felt like a stupid 8 year old who can't get it together and just have a drink.

But I recount it now solely to illustrate my actual success at editing this. Here the reality. I am really reaching to recount how I felt. Other than the obvious - not a good feeling - I can't really tell you what all went through my mind. And I let it go, within minutes.

I am trying to do this with little things right now. The big things are so unbelieveably hard to let go.

My best friend and I are having a lot of trouble right now. Still. It's just added because now, instead of just his issues, now we have mine too. double the trouble.... ah a little humor to lighten things up.

I have started the editing and started some new attitudes and behaviours regarding this relationship. I won't resort to actual gameplaying, but we put some space in right now and let us heal a bit individually.

We both had some serious meltdowns on each other this past month. It was very bad. On both parts. Neither one of us is coming out of this holiday smelling like a rose. But I think that we can learn from this. He's already started correcting some of his things. And I need to start evaluating myself.

I know that I said no resolutions. These aren't New Years Resolutions - these are life resolutions.

1. I am working on trust. I need to trust him more and actually show it, not just say it. It's not him - it's everyone. I just don't trust. But I'm working on that.

2. I haven't like my life in the past 2 months. That is entirely my own fault because I allowed certain factors to encroach upon the things that make me who I am. So I am going back to those "solar" or rational activities that make me who I am. My music, my kids, my pets, exercise.... all of it.

3. My job. I have extended the deadline to the end of First quarter. There are major job shifts taking place and I need to see the direction that is going to be taking place. I am looking outside as well as inside the company for other opportunities n the meantime. I have uncovered in the past 2 weeks that I do not like my manager at all and that I do not have the mental strength to continue working for him unless he changes, he won't because he doesn't have to. As far as HIS boss is concerned - he walks on water. So that kind of sealed my decision. But I am open to negotiations.

4. My mental health and sanity - I need to deal with my insecurities and my fear that no man will love me for who I am. I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser 24x7. I need to be able to tap into the inner emotional strength that I know I have as I give to all around me. In other words, I need to make myself a priority. I am taking care of the physical part - 35 lbs down and 3 sizes, blood pressure is looking good. But the psychological issues are really starting to creep up and bite me. In ways I didn't expect.

There will be more as they come up as this is not just a one year thing - these changes are forever as far as I am concerned.

I need to get more silliness and happiness into my life. I was happy but closed off this time of last year. I am open, walls torn down, more exposed and I now have periods of happiness but generally - for right now - I'm now. I'm not even sad really anymore. I'm just borderline anxious. Not anxious enough to not sleep anymore, or eat even - I do sleep - not well - and I do eat - not well. But both activities are happening so one step at a time.

I have targetted my first editing routine. I have been trying, unseuccessfully, to use it on his entire meltdown. Instead of "forgetting" the bad stuff, I now lump up ALL the good stuff in it's place and smile in spite of myself - thus enabling me to not dwell on the bad. Still Editing - just a different twist. We'll call it the editors magic trick.

I am going to warn you now, flee if you want - but don't say I didn't tell you. This blog is going to be about my changes outlined here and in future posts. If you thought you were sick of hearing about the man before, it's not going to get better in terms of volume. It will most likely get better in terms of how this is going.... but the volume is going to go up. It's part of my decompression and part of my recovery from the depression I have been in. Don't say you weren't warned!

The dawn of 2008

In the wake of a rather boring New Years Eve.... largely because I fell asleep at 11:30 - a first, I might add..... I want to tell you about some plans I have for the New Year.

I hate resolutions. Let's face it, no one makes it past March and I'm being generous with March.

I like to think of New Years in a similar fashion to Lent. For those of you not familiar with Lent... Lent is the period of 40 days between Ash Wednesday and Easter where Jesus spent time in the dessert enduring temptations including those of Satan. It's a sort preparation for his crucifixion. Not a fun time to be sure.

It is customary in the Christian faith to give something up during Lent. The reason behind that is that we are preparing for the crucifixion.

OK I got a little bit deeper into lent than I had actually intended.... but hey, it's a learning experience, right?

So the idea of promising to DO something for the New year is similar in thought to giving something up for 40 days.

Especially when you look at the new twists that are going on with the Lenten "give - up" program as I call it. Now my faith also believes that maybe the giving up isn't as important as acquiring a new behaviour.... for example - perhaps you have decided to start volunteering during lent? that's just as good to the church as say, giving up chocolate ( and don't think for one minute that that doesn't go on). It's an interesting twist....

By the by, just as an aside, for those of you wondering, the whole eating fish on Fridays during Lent? Not religious in nature at all.... I hate to be the one to debunk this ( Seeing as how I have an entire post on debunking the bible coming dedicated to my sister in law), but its largely due to the fact that there was an overabundance of fish in biblical days..... you get the idea.

So having given this process some thought- I am not really jumping up and down to make resolutions. At the end of the day, what good is it going to do me? If I fail, my self esteem takes a hit because I put yet another set of unrealistic demands on myself? Thank you but I can do THAT without the pressure of a holiday anytime.

The fact is, I am taking a stand for myself this year. The only thing that I am resolving to do is what is best for me. I am going to really take the time to consider the choices I make in terms of what is good for the Contessa.

Oh I know what you are thinking......

Of course I will not be making choices that will harm another person in order to do what is right for me.... hello.... have we just met???

But I will be considering how the end results affect me more than I have been of late.

I will put forth this small example. Its huge for me, but small in the grand scheme.

I am on holiday from 12/21 through 1/7. While I am out, my Poodle is covering for me at work. Do you realize that every single working day from 12.21 through yesterday he has called me?

I am not taking his calls. I am on holiday. He has to think for himself. He is older than I am by 15 years.... come on now. He does this ALL THE TIME. And I can guarantee that those who are working right now with him are getting the full brunt of his whining and complaining about having to cover my work. He's so very predictable but I love him all the same.

Normally I would have called him back each time. My decision to not call him back is as much for his own good as it for my peace of mind.


Additionally, I plan to ask for help more and no, I don't mean the little things only. I have spent all of my life thinking I had to always be the strong independent type. Not to be reliant on others. To the point where I believe it as a sign of weakness. Each year I go through a holiday blues / Depression and this year went through one that brought me to my knees literally and emotionally and psychologically. Like never before in my life. Just at the point where I was unable to sleep more than 2 hours at a time and awaking so confused that I didn't know the day, time of where I was, I turned and asked my best friend for help.

Do we still need to talk about this - yes. But he's been so good. For all that he can be when he's in the throes of his own depression. Do I feel idiotic because mine is for stupid reasons while his is for real? sure.

I guess it's true that when you don't ask for help, you also deny those you love from showing they love you.

So this is my Non resolution year.

Happy 2008!

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Christmas

I had really wanted to write a heartfelt uplifting Holiday message for my readers.

I just can't do it this year, folks.

2007 has been a wonderful and amazing year for me. At the exact same time, it has been one of my worst since the death of my dad in 2003. And unfortunately, the majority of the negative and bad things have happened in the past 5 weeks.

Still trying to make the best of the bad, I am at least posting SOMETHING and I am going to tell you a little holiday laugh for you.

I have a niece who turned one year old 2 days ago. She is the light of my life and I am the light of hers.

I arrived at my mothers yesterday having cried the entire car-ride there. I was on the phone with Mrs Jax and I wasn't going inside until I was off the phone because it wasn't that kind of conversation. It was cold, but not horrible.

My youngest brother ( the father of my niece) came out while I was on the phone and took all my packages.

A few minutes later my step dad came out and lit his pipe and went back inside.

My mom came out to find out what I was doing.

then I hear banging.

I turnaround and there is my banana ( her nickname because it rhymes with her name) standing at the glass front door, laughing and smiling at me and banging on the door to get my attention.

Thank God for little kids. She took my heart out of the blues for a few hours and kept me busy. I got 2 hours of peace. If you call chasing a 1 year old peaceful!

She looks EXACTLY like my brother. Then my sister and her family arrived.

My nephew now has his dads coloring - but he looks exactly like my sister. And she looks exactly like me. People are actually astounded by that - when you consider that we came from completely different gene pools.

So I had two munchkins to keep me occupied. They both loved their toys ( my brother who does not YET have kids, went to the store and bought the noisiest toys that were in the age range - he's going to be a dead man when they have theirs!)

When I left I checked my answering machine. THe call I wanted and needed to hear had come in while I was at my moms. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I went on to deal with the rest of the day in a far more peaceful mood.

So with that I wish you all Peace and Joy today!