Happy Thanksgiving

I find myself writing this in a lukewarm mood.

Possibly because I am tired, from overeating,but largely I think because of some of the twists in my life that I have been eluding too.

Now I won't dwell on them as this is supposed to be a thanksgiving post. All I will say is that I am overly thankful this year, but with less joy. Depression in a loved one can do that and I am not dealing as well with them as I would like.

enough.

What I am thankful for is that I have a wonderful family who has flaws because they are human. But they are still mine and I love them just for that reason alone and thankful that they are mine.

I am also thankful for my career and job, regardless of the down sides.

I am thankful for the vast array of friends that I h ave been blessed with. All are different, all hae very specific things that drew us together and all of them are special to me in wonderful and lovely ways.

I am blessed to own a home and a car. I am blessed with two beautiful cats. I am blessed with a person who loves me. I am blessed to love him too. I am thankful to have these elements in my life.

On wednesday, a wise friend of mine said to me "We have many things like what you are going through happen to us. What separates you and I out of it, is that, while we do what needs doing to help our loved ones, we also see the blessings that we have as well"

I thought that very appropriate. I try to remember my blessings when I am ready to give up the fight for what I want.

So on this Thanksgiving night, with my tummy full of wonderful food, I am thankful for my life, and the people in it. I know that when the going gets tough there blessings that can get me through.

Bless all of you and have a wonderfully Thankful weekend!

When you're up you're UP

I was flying yesterday.

Not literally but I might as well have been.

I spent the day with my best friend at Jenna's house. We discussed the latest events and are excited about them. we played music for the twins and sang. we had coffee and talked. It was relaxing and fun.

Then I came home and got ready for my gig. It was amazing. I had so much fun. I sang "Fly me to the moon", "The way you look tonight", "The lady is a tramp", "let's fall in love", "Almost like being in love", "Can this be love", "Till there was you", "Somewhere", "Memory" ( I hate that one), "the Girl from Ipanema" and for my main number I did "At long last love".

It was wonderful.

You know what made it wonderful? My Best Friend showed up after his gig. That meant a lot to me. I took him around the room to say hello to all of our friends. He told me I looked beautiful. We caught up with everyone, had our picture taken. We were both offered another gig at this church's pasta-rama in February.

He has more tests today. I am still concerned but he has some antibiotics that they are hoping may help. I am thinking that this is some kind of infection and hoping that's all it is. Praying actually. A lot, hard and often.

How a Chicken Salad sandwich changed my world

It really did too.

It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.

I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.

Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.

I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.

By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.

I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.

OK that rules that part out for now.

So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.

I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.

"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "

But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.

I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.

I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.

I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:

Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2: Welll - that's true....
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>

So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.

I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.

She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.

So it's 6:30.

I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.

You know what's coming right?

The chicken salad.

I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.

Oh my God. Nirvana.

I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.

A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.

I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.

I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).

I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.

As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.

I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.

I broke my plateau.

and - the panic attack - gone.

Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!

A melange of things

Today I had a busy and interesting day. And I like days like this because at least part of it is all about me, the other parts just include me and most of all it keeps my mind occupied.

And right now mind occupation is a good and important thing.

I had my voice lesson which was pretty good- I have so open ended questions about a performance I am supposed to do, but as I forgot to ask that's not my issue right now. I'll get it tomorrow.

So I went to Weight watchers and weighed in - 1.2 down. Very exciting - I was whistling on the way home and singing to upbeat Santana tunes ( the 70 degree weather was inspiring actually).

I got home and spent 40 minutes picking out outfits, changing. trying on new outfits. It was a tough call because I was going to a dinner party at my moms and didn't want to be too dressed up but not too casual and then there was the 20 degree swing in temperature that I needed to contend with.

I finally decide on a lovely sweater with three quarter length sleeves and horizontal stripes that alternate black, white and blue grey. Paired with black slim pants and 4 inch Black croc slides, I felt ready. Packed up my makeup and headed for my nail appointment.

Got my nails done, got waxed and had my eyelashes permed and tinted. The latter was a little bit torturous this week because my allergies were not happy, but it gave me the opportunity to practice some yoga deep breathing.

I headed to my mom's for her dinner party. Lot's of old friends and collegues. We had a lot of fun. I haven't seen these people in so long. It was lovely. We had a moment of remembrance for Rod. We ha a nice time catching up.

I left after 6 hours and drove home having eaten too much, but happy, having helped my mother in the kitchen - and she let me and didn't re-wash anything, and called an old friend I haven't talked to in 5-6 months. We caught up and agreed not to let the time get away and we're going to schedules some time to get together next week.

I have some major improvement plans for myself and I need to make some other adjustments to The plan:

1. Health:

I'm excerising more now - I have added pilates two - three times a week, walking is being ramped up to 5 days a week, core work every day.

I am eating healthier. I am shooting to get 3 dairy servings a day and 5 fruits and veggies servings.

I am keeping my portions small.

2 . Beauty:

All of the above AND

Eyelash extensions which elimate the need for perming, tinting and mascara. they are an expensive application but it's a one time gig. After that it's just maintenance.

I am getting green contacts. I have always wanted them so I am investing the money and doing it.

I have scheduled my hair to be done in May. Highlighting and cut.

I am planning on a massage and a facial for June and July.

I am making an appointment with the dentist to make some adjustments to my teeth.

I am making a followup appointment with the dermatologist to change up the allergy meds I am on. they are simply not addressing the allergies the way they need to. In the interim, he has me doubling up the dosage but cutting back from 3x a day to twice. I am already feeling better.

I am making my ob/gyn appt so I can get back on my birth control pills. My body works better on them. I went off out of necessity but that has passed and I need to go back on from a health perspective. The doctor suggested it and I agree - so I am going back soon.

I have a pedicure planned for May.

3. God

I am doing a lot of meditating. On myself and for others. I like that peaceful feeling when I am done so I am planning to make this a nightly plan.

I am planning on better attendance at church. I did not contact my priest yet on my situation but I do feel like I am in better control of it now. But as long as I continue my good relationship with God I think I will be OK for now. Not to be hokey but that's the way it is.

Going to meditate now...

On Murder Mysteries

The party was overall a success. The food was good, everyone came in costume, the drinks were wonderful. The company was good. we had a grieving widow, a nun a priest, a forensic specialist, a ferry captain, a french restauranteur, a real estate agent, an investigator, a chauffeur, a slutty secretary and a simple forestor.

The chauffeur and grieving widow were the murderers. My poor friend who played the chauffeur, took one look at the first round that outted him with a clue to conceal that stated he as the murderer, he made me go wiht him to the bedroom to explain what was happening... it was funny.

He brought his new lady friend who played Inspector Flic. Very nice, I like her a lot for him. In fact I told him I liked her better than him! I'm kidding of course.

My dinner was delicious. One friend had too much to drink and I argued with them in order to keep them here as long as possible. When the argument was over 40 odd minutes later, they were sobered up! I can't prevent them from leaving so I argue until they sober up. I can keep that game up from hours. Especially since I was sober. and they weren't. Verry entertaining.

Had the entire house cleaned up and everything put back by the end of the night for the most part. I am pretty pleased with that overall.

I liked the murder mystery but someone else has to host it next time. It was very tiring. And I didn't sleep well either though that's the mode of choice these days.

This was a lot of fun. I Highly recommend it!!!

More prepared for my party than I expected

The day was hectic. I ran around like a wingnut getting everything ready for this party. The party I am not in the mood to host. Nothing against my friends, but I am not in a party mood.

It's a good thing that I am doing it anyway. The fact remains that if I am busy I can't think or react. So those two things aside, this has the potential to be good for me.

I am the master of hiding when I need to. I feel like I need to, but not allowing myself that luxory. Not now and not on this.

A very wise point was made today, that I was sliding fast. That's true. So stopping myself midslide seems like the wise thing to do. I am picturing myself, fallen, on a ski slope, unable to go down any further but with no viable means to get back up to the top.

So I was relieved when the hand was held out to help me back up to the top. I had been planning to ask for that help from this specific individual, but there never seemed to be a good time. I felt like it was a productive discussion and while I still have the fear, it's much easier to deal with. The conversation led me to more questions than answers butI can't tell you how relieved I feel. Though nothing truly got resolved, I am no longer angry and upset. Yes, I shed a few tears but that was the reality of the situation being painted in front of me. The good part is I have that hand to help me back up the mountain.

Now, I have never thought of myself as stupid, but maybe I am. In certain specific areas. For example. If someone calls and leaves me a message saying " I need to talk to you, it's urgent, I'll call you back tomorrow" I'll climb the walls until I know what's going on. Likewise when I was younger and my mom would say "Wait until UB gets home" or even younger "Wait umtil your dad gets home" I would dbe panicking and flipping out until the inevitable happened.

So surprises don't sit well with me unless they are good ones. And please don't be swayed and give me clues because that will only make me crazy and not in the good way. I anticipate the worst because I have never had a major surprise that was a good one. One that was just about me an other people. Oh yes the surprise Christmas/birthday gifts for sure but I am talking about something other than the material.

So keeping myself busy is a good thing. I can't get caught up in the possible ( and lets face it probable ) bad outcome. I am considering filing this week under "fun memories" and calling it over. I think its the right thing to do. Although, to be fair, I am basing all of this on my own feelings and opinions. Is that the right thing to do? Should I take into acount the other's involved ? Probably.

I think I am alone in this to be honest. So I am going to mentally treat this as if I am. If I am wrong, I'll deal with that when it comes up.

So I am busy and now I am planning to be sleeping.

Oh - I ate Pina coloda flavored Cashews tonight for dinner - I HIGHLY recommend these.

Au Revoir - Fait de beau reves!

On drinking

OK, here's the deal.

My family has a history of unaddressed alcoholism. Social drinking was de rigeur and most of our parents did it. The Scotch after work to unwind, the wine with dinner, etc.

I still socially drink, but I rarely if ever drink alone and not because of the stigma. I will occasionally have my red wine with a nice meal at home alone, or I will have a glass of wine or the bubbly in my bath at night. But I keep those occasions rare to make them more of a special treat for myself.

But in times of intense stress or release of said stress, I find that if I am out with friends or at a party, I will drink and possibly drink more than I normally would at home in my bath.

Not to get drunk, not my intention because I don't like the loss of control and I hate the next day passionately.

So in light of the positive resolution to my work situation which included a holographic apology from the customer, I went to an event and proceeded to have 3 martini's in four hours.

And forgot to eat.

I paid very dearly too. The hangover wasn't even the worst part - not great, but it wasn't bad because I ate when I got home and I loaded up with fluids So not too terrible, tired but ok.

It's the principle behind the thing. I have open ended items that are makng no head way and I can't force them. So the reality is the job thing sent me all the way down the slippery slope that I was on already. The resolution presented it self late in the day so I was in a much improved mood, but not at the top of slope yet.

That situation requires other people to participate in the resolution and if I force it I am possibly forcing the resolution the wrong way. It's a precarious fall for me really and I don't have a lot of breathing room. What bothers me most about this scenario is that I really don't have the control over it and if I am honest with myself, I have already allowed it to take over too much real estate in my brain. With no realistic end in sight.

So when the situation to have a signature drink at this event came up, I tried one, liked it and went back for another. Never once activating my normal plan which is to alternate the drink with soda or water, which I normally do.

Having paid my dues to the Martini God, in the form of a very very very mild hangover that I recovered from quickly, the problem is me.

I'm being cautious, I'm being careful. But it's not enough. So it's sitting inside and festering.

I'll sort it out, but if I am honest with myself, I am afraid of the resolution.

Stay tuned.

Hosting A Murder Mystery

I LOVE to entertain.

Up until now I have not done a lot - maybe 3-4 times a year for a large group and 5-6 times for 2-4 people.

So in honor of some friends birthdays ( of which one is normally my large group party in the winter), we decided to host a Murder Mystery.

This was a really great idea. I did some research on line and found a wonderful site that supplies everything one needs to Host a Murder Mystery Dinner.

I was able to find one called Murder on the French Riviera. This is really cool and supports 12 players and you can add non essential players for more guests.

It creates and emails the invitations. You can also print them and mail them if you need to. They provide and create individual webpages for each guest. these pages provide essentials on the character, their role in the crime, costume ideas and pregame clues.

The Host page controls the release of information, all the game materials that can be printed and coalated.

My party in two weeks will be a dinner party a la French style. We will have drinks ( martini's and Kir Royale or Champagne) and maybe a hot hors d'oevres or two. The Dinner menu will be:

1. iceberg wedge with melted blue cheese and crumbled bacon bits.
2. Creamy French Country Chicken Stew
3. French Breads and biscuits
4. zucchini with parmesan
5. San Andree Triple Creme with Baguette
6. Birthday cake ( not french but home made)
7. Wine - Both Red and White
8. Water - Flat and Sparkling

I have no intentions of over stuffing my guests this time. Every party I throw is always more food than we ever need.

I am planning to have my guests who want to bring something bring the bread, the martini makings, the hot hors d'oevres, the sparkling water and any other beverage that might strike their fancy.

The stew is the barefoot Contessa's and can be made ahead. The zucchini will need to be made that day - no big deal, that's it really. Everything is easily pre-assembled.

It goes with the game too - this should be a lot of fun and I am doing a LOT of prep work to make sure that the game is a success. I am going to take the game materials to a copy center and have color copies made and bound, name tags, I have candles. I am getting flowers that both birthday girls can take home and I am, as of today, assigning the gift purchase to someone else as it is too much for me to all of this.

So I will delegate some tasks. This party will be a wonderful success!!!!

The great resentment

I'm having a mental block with Weight Watchers.

I did not go to the meetings the last two weeks due to conflicts in schedule and illness. I rarely miss one let alone two meetings. And that may be the issue here.

The bottom line is I resent having to eat less of what I like. it could be the healthiest food on earth and I will find away to eat more than I should.

I have eliminated sweets from my house with few exceptions. I have substituted Dannon Activia Low fat yogurts ( Raspberry is YUMMY), Dannon Light and fit smoothies, banana's and low fat graham crackers.

That has actually solved my sweet tooth problem. If I run into the need for Chocolate, Swiss Miss comes riding in to save the day with her fat free Marshmallow lovers hot chocolate made with water and skim milk.

My problem seems to be quantity not quality.

One of the major benefits to writing this blog is it helps me problem solve better. Learning from yourself is the best lesson I think. Reading other's blogs can be helpful as well. ( Post-Doc don't describe Caramel Pie Anymore - I DREAM about it!!!! Only kidding.... better to read about it than eat it)

In writing this post, it appears time for me to start eating what I call unit foods. Foods that are single serve sizes, prepackaged either by the manufacturer or by me in advance. That will keep my eating more uniform till I get the behaviours learned and consistent.

I need to get consistency into my exercise also which will be a challenge for this week.

It's very important that I take care of this and not quit. The weight has to get to a manageable point and as Lisa so rightly said - I'm tired of being the fat girl in pictures. I hear that.

So on the heels of finishing my homemade mac and cheese ( Barilla plus pasta = 3 WW points per cup, Brummel and BRown yogurts spread = 1 WW point per serving, a splash of skim milk and 1 oz of land o lakes sliced american cheese ( usually 2 slices)= 2). Total of 5 points per cup.

I ate 3 cups.

I had 13 points left

I owe somebody 2

I think I owe it to me.

Things are better now

Things are back to normal.

My housekeeper came today and cleaned my house - it's so nice now. My Christmas tree is down and my house is clean.

I found that I was down to my last check so I re-ordered. I bought pretty tropical ones from Colorfulimages.com.

I don't want to talk about the bad things that happened with my coach. He apologized. That's all I can ask for. I doubt he's changed but that's my challenge not his. My challenge in terms of can I tolerate and do I want to? For now, yes. But it did force me to look at the relationship and examine those things that I don't like. Voice Twin and I had a conversation today about that and we are both on the same page about it but we will probably act on it in different ways. Our voices may be similar but we are different people in many ways. good ways, and she's starting in a different place than I am. The thing that continues to come up for me, is that when you are an adult taking lessons from a peer, there's a fine line between friendship and teacher/student. There's more control on the student end of that relationship. I forgot that and I need to start remembering that. I am a teacher as well. I am not a newbie or anything like that. And that children, concludes our fairy tale.

So my house is clean, I went back to the insanity ( my day job) and now I am settling in to watch the snow.

I am reveling in the normal-ness of things and I am in a good place now. I have heard the files and I am very happy with the job that I did. I ate very healthy, normal quantities of food today. I am deciding what to do for dinner even as we speak and there is a hot bath and hot chocolate in my future. Tomorrow there are big plans for exercise and some critical listening to the recital for my own notes.

This weekend coming up I will be making some family sized meals to freeze - I am going to start doing 1-2 a week. One that I love and another that's new. Portion them out and freeze. then I won't be in such a hurry to stop for fast food on the way home.

My life is getting back to normal. I think I just need to keep remembering that I do have some level of control over the outcome of things like this. Being Recital-zilla isn't necessarily a bad thing.

I do better in my life when the status is quo.

The Karma thing again

Do good things for the world and the world will do good things for you.

Or something like that.

My good deeds are mostly about myself lately but I think it's long overdue.

You see, this season has been magical and special in many many good ways. More so than other years. I am far more lighthearted and positive than ever before and I am truly enjoying this holiday season so much more than I have since I was a child actually.

You see, I made the peace with an old friend. We are far from OK, but we are both on the same road and willing to see where it goes and I think that's just magicall after four years. Before that my brother and I came around a turn and we are much closer than before. That makes me practically gleeful to be honest. Then there are my parents - pretty good before but we have notched it up to almost overdrive now and we are really enjoying one another in ways I don't remember. Even during the funeral lunch, my step-dad's cousins and my mom and I were howling with laughter and talking and catching up and having just the best time.

So today, mumbling and grumbling because I had to go to my office in the city and I seriously don't do that because A. I hate the commute and B. I am not a morning person. I had to be up at 6:30 to be there by 9.

So I am in the office and annoyed. Poodle and I decided to go get a Starbucks coffee. That cheered me a little but still annoyed. I open my boss's agenda for our staff meeting to see the following statement:

"The Process is not our friend"

I almost died laughing. I am project manager. The process is the whole basis of my job. I told Poodle that when we got to that point in the meeting that I was not planning to comment and if I did start to comment, to please kick me so that I stop.

So we get to part of the meeting and he and his boss start discussing how we should all have Project Mgmt training. Stop it already. I am one step from PMP certified.

Moving right along and I am still annoyed, we wrap the meeting up and our boss hands out gifts ( Did I mention the HUGE box of Italian cookies he brouught too??? NO???? he did, we ate, they were good.). I open mine and it is a leather Coach CD case. It's really quite lovely. I am really quite stunned. I never really believed he appreciated us to be honest.

So Poodle and I start to go out to lunch and we invite Tommy. He never socializes and so he decides to come along. We go to our favorite restaurant, Figs.

This is where the story gets funny. But the Karma thing is still working for me..... read on.

We walk to the restaurant. We sit down, we order our drinks and discuss some of the funnier crazy things our boss does ( you probably wouldn't believe them unless you worked here seriously). The drinks come and Tommy is putting his straw in.

"Hey Tommy, what's that on your glass?" asks Poodle
"I don't know.... uh oh" says Tommy
"What? What is it" I say

Tommy gestures to the waitress, points to his glass. Her eyes bulge, she takes the glass and walks away.

"Tommy what happened" I ask
"A cockroach" he whispers

I start laughing. Internally my stomach is flipping in a squishy yucky way. But I think to myself, we eat here all the time, the place is ridiculously clean, This is Manhattan and they are doing construction right above the restaurant.

"They'll probably comp the lunch" I jokingly say

20 minutes elapses and we are starting wonder if they went out to buy new soda when they waitress and a tall woman appear.

"Your lunch is on us, we are so very sorry. The exterminator has been called to come immediately" We apprecaite you handling this so nicely. Anything you want or need at all, please let us know."

I got my free lunch and it was wonderful. We eat there a lot so I know this is a quality place. I believe that random little bug was a transplant from above and truthfully I am really glad I idn't actually see it as I have a morbid disgust for all bugs.

We tipped the waitress really well. ( Another shot for Karma!)

The moral of the story is

The cockroach can get you a free lunch. It doesn't mean the restuarant is infested ( we literally eat there all the time and they are rated very highly in NYC).

It was a well played out version of Victor / Victoria.

A date for Thanksgiving

my sister-in-law called while I was entertaining a gentleman caller today....

I was entertaining EEman - he is now finally seeing me for the fabulous person I am.

He arrived with Killian's in tow...

I hadn't eaten all day literally so before I knew it, the beer was gone and he was looking to open a bottle of wine. I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me.

Too bad we're just friends now. Actually, I'm kind of liking the fact the he's now treating me much better than he used to. This is a good thing and I'm happy about that. What makes this different for me is that I don't think I want him anymore in a romantic fashion, it just can't work for us. But I digress.

As you know wine is a big HUGE part of my life and my families. We grew up on it, my mom is quite knowledgeble about it and French wine in particular is important to us.

So if you want to call me a snob when it comes to that - go right ahead. Because it's true.

So E and I talked for hours literally. We played music and sang, we dished, discussed and endless array of subjects from politics, mutual friends, music, music, music, his 50th birthday party that I have been working on so hard. Oh and his potential break up with his girl friend.

hence the wine.

So when the phone rang ( twice while he was here....) and it was my new sister-in-law to invite me to her mom's on Thanksgiving - Eeman was cheering in the background between quoting verses of the song that bears her name ( and she's named after that song too according to her mom who is younger than eeman and close to my age. The song is by Looking glass and some key words in it are "wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the North of spain, a locket that bears the name of the man that ____________ loves...." ) because even though he has to work that night, he couldn't even do the day for dinner with me because he has to tend to his brother. And he felt badly about it. I thought it was incredibly sweet of her and I do think my mom had a hand in that because I don't think I mentioned my brother or his wife that I was going to be alone ( and they don't read this).

So now I have someplace to go that I will enjoy and be thankful for.

So back to Eeman. We had a LOT of fun tonight. I can't remember us having such a good time. I was feeling badly that he was not getting the best treatment from his girlfriend. Some women can juggle multiple men at the same time really well and some just can't. His girlfriend, it would appear, falls into the latter. She knows what she's doing is problematic and he really wants this to go somewhere. I just hope for him that they can work it out. I'm not real sympathetic to her cause to be honest. If you know you are doing something to hurt someone else and not making any move to rectify it, thats not good and doesn't really lend itself to a lasting relationship. I don't think that she wants to give the other guy up to be honest. I don't have high hopes here and I hate that this is happening to him. He has not had the best luck with women.

However to give snaps where they are due - he does recognize how fabulous I am and managed to nicely slip that into the conversation several times and I like hearing that from anyone but especially from my male friends. It speaks volumes about the male member of our species when they recognize things like that.

Meanwhile throughout all of this we have now finished off a six pack of beer and two bottles of wine. YIKES thats 17 points for me on Weight Watchers and I don't get that many in a day to start with!

uh oh - I'm was tipsy. OK I was full out drunk by the time he was ready to go deal with his girlfriend. I'm a scary light weight when it comes to alcohol consumption. And most times I can take or leave it altogether as I don't like to lose that much control of myself. But I was feeling safe and secure in my own home and with him so I was able to relax and enjoy myself. My problem is that I never sleep well when I have been drinking. I know tons of people who sleep wonderfully, I'm not one of them. So it was no surprise to me that 11:15 I was sleeping on the couch, I got up at 12:30 and went to bed and was awake by 4 and need to be up for my church gig at 8. I can't remember the last time this happened. Kind of funny but tomorrow I will need a nap at the least

So here I am writing my post with the hopes that I can fall back asleep without pharmaceutical means.

I'm starting yawn and notice that je fatigue so I am headed off to bed.

Fait de beaux reves!

The Godfather

My adopted Godfather ( my real one is who knows where), passed away on Halloween.
The exact email that I received went like this:

Friends, I’m sorry to have to inform you that Rod passed away yesterday after a long bout with cancer. He was a true friend to us all, sharing everything he had, asking only friendship in return. We all appreciate his rarity of character in our otherwise self-centered world. He will be missed.

It was perfectly written and though short, it captured the essence of what Rod was about.

He had pancreatic cancer. There was not much that could be done to save him.
Rod was a fantastic person. As UB put it, rare in this world. The expression "would give the shirt off his back" was an understatement.
We don't know too much right now, other than he has passed. We have heard that he would like to be cremated and his ashes buried at Arlington National Cemetery he was a Vietnam Vet). He is still in Florida as far as we know. The not knowing is hard for me.

I spent a little bit of time tracking down some friends of his, people that worked for him. It was tough to express it. By the time I got to WCC I was in a better place to talk about it.

He was 57 years old. He had a large family but not a close family life. He friends meant the world to him. He truly only asked for friendship in return. We were very close. I can't define the relationship too well, other than that. He was a part of my family. He was a lot of fun but he could drive you insane. He was ridiculously intelligent, but couldn't spell. I always said that his mom shortened his name from Roderick to Rod because he couldn't spell. He refused to clean his monitor at the office - he called it his anti- glare screen. He had rottweilers who hated women but loved me more than they even loved him.

He loved to spoil those around him and he has seen a lot of sad times and a lot of happy times. He attended my dad's wake, he came to my concerts ( when I had solos), he had me play for his wedding, I cat sat, dog sat, bird sat for him. He was my boss for awhile. He was my neighbor. My family always spent New Years with him.

One of our favorite shared memories was my Junior year of college when I was home student teaching, working at their company at night for some extra money. Rod, UB, my mom and Elle (Rod's Wife) decided to go to a french restaurant "La Grenouille". There, I had my first glass of truly expensive red wine. And Let me tell you the difference between inexpensive and expensive can only be described as whoooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I had Lobster - shelled. Unreal. But the part the we laughed about for 10+ years afterward was dessert. He didn't really eat dessert. But they put a bowl of the these chocolate balls. They were like chocolate balls of butter. So of course, the broadway crowd thins. It's a sudden lull in the restaurant and Rod yells "Bon Bon" and points to the bowl. We all cracked up. It's been a private joke between us for years. If I close my eyes, I can hear him saying it and laughing that laugh he has.

I am mixing my tenses and I realize it, but I am purposely not correcting it. I just can't believe that he's not here anymore and the laughter has ended. So the tenses will be mixed for awhile.

He was a special man. He was loved by most everyone. He's with Bear and Ibo now.

Rod - Ibo has a balloon in his mouth for you!

BON BON!!!

Saturday, August 19, 2006

When Life gives you berries make jam Current mood: creative Category: Food and Restaurants
At 7:30 my phone rings but I am asleep in an air conditioned room and do not hear it. That is a good thing actually, though since my father died, I am unually paranoid about missing "The call".
This one was not as life threatening, it was my vocal coach canceling due to a medical situation that needed immediate, but not life threatening, attention.
If I had gotten the call at 7:30 I would have just not woken up at all till I absolutely had to. But I awoke at 8:45, had my juice and saw the machine blinking.... upon recieving the message, I did what any other self respecting confirmed "sleeper" would do..... I took my cats and went back to bed.
That lasted for 30 minutes, the boys wouldn't let me sleep as that was their love and cuddle time. When they were done they left and I was wide awake. So much for going back to sleep! I was lying there contemplating what to do with the the 2 1/2 hours left before Weight Watchers. I had a long list, but I decided to get up and make French Instant Gratfification Jam.
One important note - the name is of the recipe is Instant Gratficiation Jam... I don't know about you but that title must be on comparison to something else because my idea of instant gratfication is not 2 hours.
It wasn't hard or complicated in any way you basically take one cup of sugar for each pint of fruit, toss it in a bowl to fruit is covered, put in a pot cover fruit/sugar mixture completely with water, bring to a boil then simmer to fruit reduces down.
Seriously, that is the entire recipe and the house smells delicious. But two hours? yikes. On top of which near the end, you really have to pay attention because one second too long and you have burned jam and a burned pot.
Mine wasn't scorched or anything and it tastes pretty good - I only used on pint of strawberries and it doesn't reduce down to much - maybe 4 servings. But it is delicious.
I don't know WHAT possessed me to do this today. Its not my way at all to make things I can buy LOL. Come on - you all must know that by now.
I proceeded to bring it up at Weight Watchers and they all stared at me. For that very reason - this is a group of people I have been with for 3-5 years. They all know....
My next plan is to see if I can do this with a mixture of sugar and splenda. then eventually I will cut over to splenda altogether. this could be a great idea for christmas gifts.
Unless you jar your jam in glass and seal it with wax for airtightness, this stuff lasts in the fridge 3-5 days. This is not preserves, its just jam.
Make it while the good fruits are in season - cut larger berries down to small pieces so that it reduces faster ( ANYTHING TO CUT DOWN THAT 2 HOUR cook time).
I think cherries next - that seems like a unique one.....

Thursday, August 10, 2006

Day 45 Current mood: hungry Category: Food and Restaurants

I have been reading a wonderful book called Joie de Vivre. I have read it once before. It is about a french chef who has transplanted from France to america. It is non fiction and very interesting about how to bring French habits regarding food and the home from France to America and make them work.

He owns several restaurants but his first was a cafe in Soho that you could get a cup of coffee and a roll or croissant and sit outside with your paper or book or friends.
That sounded heavenly to be honest. I now eat my breakfast at the dining room table wth the window open and sunlight streaming in. I don't eat the french breakfast in its entirety as my mind can't get round that as a habit. Perhaps on a weekend or something once in a while....

He talks about growing his vegetables in his own potager (garden). I don't have any options for that, but I think next year I am going to start growinig herbs to use while cooking.
The most important part for me is this wondereful man included some great recipes and none are complicated and all are translated to foods we can find here in America.
The one I am going to try first is the Roast Chicken. It looks amazing, and I can fit it into my new lifestyle with no problem.

The Roast Chicken is ridiculously simple. Its not trussed ( a good thing as I"ve never done that lol ), there is no basting. YOu just dress the chicken and throw it in the oven. But it uses garlic, olive oil, carrots, plum tomatoes. I can't tell you how wonderful it sounds!!!! YUM
I will probably have some folks over to help enjoy it. That with a little wine, a little cheese, some cafe and patisserie and it will be a wonderful meal!
Bon Soir!