The universe and it's messages

It's really interesting.

When something happens to you that on the surface looks bad, how do you react? What does it mean?

I recently found myself on the receiving end of the 11AM phone call on a RIF day. I have only heard about it up to then and I have to tell you it's every bit as bad as you think it's going to be.

For me, the worst part is how it tore my boss apart to have to make that call to not one of his team leads ( me) but both. He lost his top two producers that day and the team is likely to be disbanded before the year is out.

For the past two decades I have had two phases of my career. The first 10 years, I affectionately refer to as my 20's I look back at on my 30th birthday. I was unhappy with the look of my life. Work was my only priority. I gave up things in favor of my job.

That job ending ,a month before I turned 30, forced me to evaluate what I was doing and what direction I wanted my life to go in. I got my new job which had me commuting to NYC each day and I was worshipped and revered by my company and clients.

That was 2 weeks AFTER I turned 30. A total of 6 weeks out of work. I never even filed for unemployment!

Of course, the economy was better. At least initially. I managed to work at MCI after it turned into WCOM and we all know how THAT ended, then back to MCI then Verizon then VerizonBusiness.

Turning 40 and having lost my job a month later in an economy that is so poor and frightening right now, made me review my life and my choices.

I have a lot of fear in me. I was always a fearful child. I didn't like change - I still don't.

I was afraid that as the primary household breadwinner, now out of work, my household would collapse. It didn't.

I was afraid my partner was secretly only here for the money - he isn't.

I was afraid that losing my job was somehow my fault - it wasn't.

I was afraid that unemployment would turn me down - they didn't.

I am afraid that the money will run out. Jon had a plan. A good one. And without my knowledge or discussion met me and some friends for what I affectionately refer to as our Pub crawl last week and started talking to restaurants about himself and us. We can earn money with our music.

He decided that I was right about that business. Merge my performing and teaching with his performing and voila - a business has formed.

We are not yet incorporated though that is in discussion and a plan is being worked out - but what we are doing in preparation for that day, is collecting our receipts and creating a business plan and operating as if we were already incorporated.

Being the finance and VP to be - I am being VERY prudent with the package I got. I paid off the car - I own it fully now. We use it as the primary vehicle except for gigs because it is the car that's in better condition and newer. I paid all the insurance for the year - homeowners and car. All other bills are current or ahead.

Financially we are somewhat secure. For awhile.

I continue every day to network and try to find a job while working at the new business with additional fervor.

For me, the issue is still change. I'm less afraid of it now. Jon doesn't let me get afraid, he jumps ahead and anticipates my reaction - as much as he can. Its still hit or miss but I can't deny it has made this life transition so much easier in many respects.

We have joined the Rec Center here in town and I now work out several times a week. We got his bike fixed so we can ride together. We go to concerts or bands and hang with our friends a couple of nights a week. I am amazed at how free this feels and I am actually enjoying this time more than I thought.

Don't get me wrong, I still stress. The relationship has taken a few hits of late requiring some additional work when things crop up. You can't be the age the two of us are and not have some shit back up on you! It's not even possible.

The thing that backs up on us most, believe it or not, is miscommunication. And some trust. I won't go out there and say there isn't trust, but I always thought the trust problem was mine and I discovered that it wasn't. We are working through that by communicating and laughter. Sometimes there's yelling and sometimes there are tears - largely frustration. But we try every day in every way.

His health is still a priority with me and we now have a medicaid advocate. In two hours she was able to solve problems that took us months of red tape - she's amazing and we love her. She's the mom of an up and coming musician and her husband is a musician friend of ours as well.

My health is a priority with him as well and we work on solutions for my skin all the time.

I don't recall the last time I took time like this for myself to enjoy and just be. It's wonderful and amazing and a little bit scary. But I kind of like it and being with Jon enables me to work through change so that it's less scary.

I know that things will work out for me in the future, but for now, I'm having some fun for a change.

Waiting to exhale

Today was about me.

I woke up and realized it was Wednesday. And this was bad.

I hadn't logged into my company website since Friday. And had no desire to do so.

And didn't.

At 11:30 I called my boss. When I got no response on his landline and his company cell was disconnected I discovered on Tues, I got nervous.

I called HR. I didn't want to - those folks get sensitivity training from Hitler I think. Or GWB. Either way, I really really really didn't want to do this.

But the package is on a timer and each day I don't have it gives me the idea that I will be docked for that. Realistically they can't do that but this company is not known for fair.

I call them and they can't tell me anything. And for one breif moment, I think - wow it's all a mistake!

Then they called back.

At the exact moment the buzzer rang.

The package had arrived.

I opened it, scanned it, made sure the contents matched what I was told would be there and prepared for a bike ride.

I rode for about 45 minutes. Mostly to test my ankle as it is healing slower than I would like.

I returned home and spoke to my boss who gave me the news that not only did they take me from him, they took my right hand from him too. That's a major blow.

I reviewed the document and there's a curious thing in my state. If you are over a certain age, the law states that you have to be advised of exaclty what positions where cut, how many people and the age of those people.

This cut was HUGE. It went deep. Deeper than I think they can afford. But what do I know.

I did the toughest thing - I told the family. They handled it well because I was.

Then I went and had a massage.

Now I feel a bit better.

The pillars

Pillar 1.

Well the job officially changed this afternoon.

I report to a new manager - that appears on the surface to be good news.

I will be doing the same basic job with one major componant removed - making my job actually easier on some levels.

But the down side is it leaves me open to layoff. A sitting duck if you will. When you are one of many and they need to cut heads....

I keep reviewing the things that are not going in an acceptable manner and trying to figure out how to move things along for the better.

Pillar 2

I spoke to the Pres of the group I sing with tonight. He had promised that he was appointing me to the board to fill a vacancy. The current VP ( the witch from other posts) has done a marvelous job of slandering me and 3 members out of 5 objected to appointment based on, as it turns out, nothing. What was said about me was that I am not capable of doing a good job and that I don't follow through and complete my tasks.

Hello? I am a project manager by trade. Not finishing tasks would get me fired.

Oh snap. wait.

I just had a major job change didn't I?

Hmmm.

Pillar 3

My relationship is not going well. I really don't know whats happening but we are on the Pulling back phase right now. Space - yes. Time - yes. Frustration - yes. I am hurting because of this. Largely because I really do not understand what I did or didn't do to cause this or what in general is happening to cause this whether it was me or not. It's been two months. And it's been really rough. Ironically - nobody wants to leave - which is always hopeful. I try to focus on the good things and let the so-so ones go. But at the end of the day, right now, I feel like we have taken a step backwards. I understand what caused THAT and we have discussed that. But it's really hard for me.

At the end of the day, what my heart and mind keep circling back to is maybe I'm not as good at my job as I thought. I've been doing it for 15 years and I had the top customer in my company for 4 of those. But maybe I'm not that good. when you are told you aren't doing a good enouogh job often enough and long enough - you start to believe it.

Now it's ad enough that I am dealing with this at work, but now the singing group that I have been with for 12 years is basically telling me the same thing now on an administrative post. Now I know it's crap, but the same kind of commentary has come up in a second place. With almost the same words - only none of them know my work life so they couldn't know that. Accident? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then you factor in the difficulties I am encountering in my romantic life. My brain continues to circle around what I did or did not do to cause any one of these three pillars to crumble and fall like this.

My whole psyche hurts. I can't figure out how I went from being such a strong woman who is good at her job and valued by her customer, sings professionally and is valued as a volunteer in her singing groups and loved by her best friend in the world to being the weak, unqualified and undervalued employee, a singer who can't hold a simple administrative function like writing the English language to take notes, and the woman who just feels like a burden now.

Which one is the real me???? I don't think I even know anymore.

A life in Flux

There is nothing quite so scary as having the major pillars of your life in flux.

At the same time.

My company is going through a reorg and while I am assured there are no layoffs in the immediate future, within the next 30-60 days my job will change dramatically.

I tend to take a "wait and see" towards that as it has never gone "bad" before when they have done this. IN this case , I will most likely be reporting to someone else, the player to be named later if you will.

I am trying to remain optomistic in this and taking the stance of "Don't worry and fret before you have something to worry and fret about".

I don't do it well but I am trying.

Meanwhile, the relationship is not going well. Communication is hit and miss which is actually an improvement over the complete NON-communication that was going on before. I've noticed some subtle things that go to the good and some that go to the less than good of late. My own mood has contributed to that as much as my best friend's. I want more, and he is not ready yet. I am being smothering in order to hold on to what's there, and he's pulling away. So I stopped it. All of it. I am not only not smothering him, I am giving the space that we both need here. It's a perspective thing. And it's hard for me. I am not good at playing "hard to get".

Music isn't going so well either. on some levels its better than ever, but the same old problem keeps cropping up.

The short version on all of this is, when my life comes apart at the seams like this, it's usually a sign that something needs to change.

In these cases, I believe that this is a chain reaction. One thing goes south, and they all do. I think if my job straightens out, I'll be better equipped emotionally to do the heavy lifting that needs to be done on the other two. Right now, I am so drained from lack of sleep and lack of nutrients that all I want to do is lay down. I force myself to exercize. I force myself to eat SOMETHING whether I am hungry or not. I try to make it productive. I work the required hours and follow my personal schedule to the letter.

But my heart's not in it. Nor is my brain. All I want to do is cut and run from my life. Leave it all behind and start again. But the reality is, if I Can't make it work in this life, what makes me think that I can do it in another? So I don't cut and run. I stay and try to fight it out.

But this time it's different. I've lost my fight. I'm tired. bone tired. I don't want to fight. I just want to "be".

It won't be this way forever, in fact, sooner rather than later I will be in a better position to know if I want to leave this company or not. Which is good. The general consensus right now is that the change that is being proposed is actually going to make life BETTER for us. My staff has come forward and mentioned that they are all managing a level of anxiety through medication. I was shocked to know that. It's unreal. That a company of this magnitude can instill such fear and manipulation that this is the rule rather than the exception. We have had two people under the age of 40 DIE this year of sudden heart attacks. NO warning, no heart related activitiy prior. Just died. One left a small child behind. Did this wake up my management? NO.

And that's why I am willing to wait out the change because the pressure wi be relieved. Of course, if it isn't, I am already researching other positions within this company and others to move to.

I think that in the past two years, the job has been so stressful for me and the others who work for this person, that its become impossible for me to put the required energy into dealing with and managing the other aspects of my life when they go into flux. Consequently, everything came to a head and all I can do is hide.

Largely this is my own fault. I tried to make a bad situation work post merger for me and my team. The reality is that the new mgmt didn't ever want it to work. Because the environment that they came from is so different, and the merger was handled very unusually, our lives have become hell. I should have put an end date on it sooner, but my reviews were glowing so why would I do that?

There are tons of reasons why I stay but I think the most important one is that I hate change and I am afraid of the unknown. In everything. I will stay in a bad situation rather than take a risk. 'Better the devil you know' attitude.

Except in love. I was willing to give this person another chance and while it's not going well right now, I do think we can get backk to that with some effort. My problem is that I just don't have the strength and he doesn't either. For the same sets of reasons.... So space is the answer for now, we are still together, just giving some breathing room to heal from outside influences. This was a HUGE step for me. I don't do this. I don't even know how! But something is guiding me, not always correctly, but something is guiding me.

I just need another ounce of faith.

The holidays- Joy and Peace

The holidays.

I love them but yet I hate them.

Everyone I know strives to have the "perfect" Christmas.

You know the ones I mean. The Norman Rockwell Christmas. The tree, snow falling ( region permitted of course), lights with not one out, candles in the window, carols on the stereo, good food, eggnog, fruitcake, presents under the tree, all that good family feeling....

You get the idea.

And it rarely happens that way - at least not for my family.

I have discovered, for myself, that the holidays tend to make me cry. A lot. And if there are things happening that would normally not work for me.... they are just exacerbated by the holidays.

Oh I chase that perfect Christmas like everyone else. It's a goal - and it's good to be goal driven.

I have had a lot on my plate for a long while. It's not making this season easy for me.

My job is hell. I have managed, quite convincingly, to tell myself that it's just a job and does not define who I am. I don't always believe it, but I work hard at it. I have spent an enormous chunk of my career serving customers and doing it well. I have a boss who is inconsistent. He will give direction one way, and then criticize you for it. It's very hard for the people pleaser that I am, to please this man. I am tired. I am psychologically battered for hearing the constant criticism, everything I do is wrong and the constant blame. I know there are some folks ( Lisa the Scalemistress) who would say and have said "Get another job".

Of Course they are right. It's not fiscally possible right now. But Come the end of January, if I don't see change, I will be posting out to another position. I just cannot abide by the abuse to much longer. I have set that date as a hard date and I did it for my customer.

My love life is - well, we'll call it interesting for now. Not bad, but I'm not living on Cloud 9. The letter I sent to my best friend was received better than I expected. He was actually complimentary on it. We talked yesterday. After a hellacious day at work for me that left me in tears.... not the best timing. But we have a tendency to get the emotions rolling high and one of us leaves. He didn't want to do that again. His depression is lifting. Not quickly, but it is getting better. He's running again, he's cut back on the drinking and he's communicating. He's not going anywhere. He needs space, which is OK. He needs some time. But "we" are OK. Or we will be.

I'm not crazy about some of the side effects of this, but I am desperately trying to come to terms and deal with them till he's better.

What this has done to me though, is start the holiday tears way in advance. I've been crying for weeks. Hell I'm crying now. When he leaves, I cry. The day I know he's going home, I cry. It's insane. I miss him when he's not here.

Depression is a crazy thing. I jokingly told him that its starting to be contagious. I am not actually depressed - I am just aching for the pain that he has been in and continues to be in.

I have never loved someone enough to care about the pain they are in to this degree. Don't get me wrong, because I know that sounds horrible. My best friends and family - I feel awful when they are in pain. I want to help them as much as is possible. But I never felt helpless before in the face of depression in someone I love like this.

I saw my priest on wed. We talked about this pretty extensively and he and I are in agreement as it turns out. I know I can't fix the problem. I am not actually the problem at all.

I am an action person. If there's a problem - I need to address it. I need to fix it. I need to be right there with the sword and the shield.

This is a hard lesson for me and my best friend and I are walking this road together. He's not leaving, he doesn't want to. We are too important to one another. Something I truly never thought would happen.

He is a patient man. He forgives a lot with me. I am not good at relationships. I try too hard to be the exact thing for that person. Not this time - but in my past, yes. He lets me be me and insists on it. We are honest with each other and we are working on this. I really thought that wasn't going to happen. We are both lucky people.

This holiday is going to be tough. Because through both these difficult and painful situations, I am trying to be in good spirits and still chase the perfect holiday. I have a lot to do in terms of music and the work that goes into that. I performed a children's breakfast last weekend and frankly I couldn't get into the spirit of the thing. My heart ached and a friend who's mother just died was there, so I ached for that too. Any way you looked at it, I don't know how I got through those 2 hours. I have to decorate my house this weekend. I have a performance tonight and tomorrow, I have Christmas Eve services, a lunch next week... my best friend's birthday is next week.

We are all busy. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, this is the season of advent. Advent is important. It's a time to be quiet and plan for the coming of the Baby Jesus. It's a time to reflect and rest. I am trying to put the peace back into my life and do this.

So I pass this one to you. Regardless of faith - I pray for peace and joy for all of you during this season.

Happy Hanukkah for those of you celebrate!

PS - I hit 32 lbs down today!

Had chest pains yesterday.

I noticed that they were not pains really, but not pressure. When I took a deep breath, it felt as if someone had a finger in my rib cage.

This went on most of the week, but was worse on Friday.

So, I went to see the Doctor.

Who told me to calm the hell down.

Backing up....

When we last left the Contessa, she was stressed out badly at work, had a slight bump in her relationship that was more or less her issue and was taking steps to relieve the stress of her extra-curricular music activities.

Update:

Work - still not good. Leader is micromanaging to the point where he is talking to my team as well as to myself like we are in Mickey Mouse Club.

Bel Canto - Herr Direktor is supposed to be calling me to ask me to stay, be section leader and to please audition for the solos.

relationship - Contessa apologized for not being as strong as she normally is, finally 'fessed up to the stress she has been under. The bf called last night, and showed up with wine for her, BK for him and Band of Brothers for the two of them. He spent the night, things were still tense, but it's residual and will go away.

Fast Forward:

I thought that the chest Discomfort would go away when 2 out of three things were solved. Nope. They didn't relieve until this evening and that's because I am not working. So the discomfort is actually work related. I am going to see Louise to see if there is something I can do, take, whatever that will assist in calming me down.

On a side note - I have discovered that Mederma is an amazing invention. Having severe stretch marks under my arms from my eczema, they are clearing up rapidly. I'm really happy about this. Amazing stuff with a unique smell. Not bad, just odd.

Another side note - red wine does assist in the calming down process, just keep the volume minimal.... ;-) the hangover's a bitch.

A last side note, had a really good conversation with Am today. We had a lot of fun and we covered a wide variety of topics. She made the observation that she too, tends to be mad at herself when she can't be strong for someone else. And she made the wise point that we are only human and sometimes our reactions are normal and sometimes all things aren't equal and the same information could just hit wrong. I hate that I wasn't the "rock" that I normally was. But I recognize that I am human and I feel OK about it. I did apologize to him for not being strong enough to handle it that day and in light of the other things that happened to me this week, he did understand that, but we are still "recovering" from it.

Not recognizing worth

As I have mentioned, I quit the performance ensemble that I belonged to for 15 years. It was a hard decision but it needed to be done.

The fact is I was not being recognized for my value and my worth. Quite clearly, the diva can cover all of it so why should I continue to beat myself over the head and pay money to be unhappy? Logical.

So I quit.

My job however I can't do that with. At least not now. The fact is, My boss got recognized for his value and his worth on my project. No disrespect to him, but he couldn't have managed his way out of paper bag on this. It was custom, it was difficult and the customer did not have a clue. So add that with the fact that my manager is a figurehead, that would have been the single biggest mess ever.

I was supposed to have been recognized but they gave it to my boss instead.

Two places that mean a lot to me have made it clear that I am not worthy.

Then the whore got back into my life again. she called him ( he didn't take the call) and emailed him twice saying not haing him in her life as a friend is unbearable. While on paper, this doesn't have anything to do with me, and I realize that, this is however marginally upsetting and it's all about the timing. You see, I had that creepy feeling early in the day, like someone was walking over my grave, and the words from one of her emails to him back in May crept into my brain. Something I hadn't thought about SINCE then. That was the moment that he was reading the email from her. So the combo made me uneasy and caused an entire evening of strain between us.

I did apologize and he did call me out on her being the problem. I acknowledged it and we discusssed a bit. I am not angry at him. He did nothing wrong. Telling me about it is not a bad thing. I just couldn't get out of fmy own head on it and it hasn't bothered me in quite awhile. I would rather not prohibit him from discussing things that are on his mind.

In reference to the emails andn calls, I told him that my preference was that he not respond. He didn't.

I'm angry at myself for this. I should be trusting in myself more. I don't. My self esteem is taking a big hit of late. I didn't realize how bad it was until this occurred.

What pisses me off so much is - I KNOW I AM WORTH MORE AND THE VALUE I BRING TO MY JOB, THAT CHORAL GROUP and MY RELATIONSHIP.... is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yet, others choose not to see it.

Everything is clearly a popularity contest. Even at this age.

Writer's Block

I don't really have writer's block. I have tons of things can write about. But sometimes too much information is simply.... too much.

I have developments in my love life that are really great. But I feel firstly, talking about them will jinx them ( remember how I am not superstitious.) and secondly, some things are just meant to be private. Just know that I am on the road that I want to be on.

I have developments in my career. These are less great. I have a direct manager who micro manages me ( and my team) to the brink of insanity. I want to shake him mand ask him if he's bored. But I don't.

Instead I have given up trying to play stupid in order to asuage his bruised ego. He is afraid of women with fine intellect. He spends as much time as possible riding us on stupid trivial things in order to drive us completely mental. The end result is, instead of a simple "ok" to him, I now say, "I took care of that and confirmed in email a few hours ago". Which generates anger. I refuse to deny my talents in that way. I will treat him the respect due his title, but I will not dumb myself down.

I got some of my house in shape, I'm pretty pleased with it. I have the rest scheduled. I no longer freak out when Maria is coming to clean.

I s tarted exercizing again. I feel great. I lost 3 of the 5 lbs I had gained. I am working on my skin which is getting better. I found a dress but I nee to add sleeves or change the neckline and my seamstress will KILL me as she HATES the type of material. I am still looking.

We shall this one writer's block and hopefully have more to tell you soon.

Uneasy

I have had a week of revelations. not all good.

First, I spoke to a friend of mine on Sunday who knew something about the Choral group that is recruiting me.

She mentioned that the director was a bit of a tyrant and she wouldn't work with her. If I didn't care, that was my choice, but she wanted me to know going in. Not sure I can do two tyrants a week....

The update there is that they rehearse on Tuesday nights and I am locked into a recording contract through mid February and all those rehearsals are on Tuesday nights. Which is a bummer for me. I very much wanted to try this kind of singing and it seems like a lot of fun. Maybe in February and I will inquire about seasonal singing with them.

Secondly. I put 5 lbs on that don't seem to want to leave. I know why they are there and I know what I need to do and I am just frustrated. Don't mind me, I just need to bitch a bit.

So I am putting my exercize routine back in place tomorrow. Two times a day. No discussions. No ifs' ands or butts.... pun TOTALLY intended.

I have a friendship that's slowly dying and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I guess I need to let it go. So to that end, I have decided that the last phone call I made this past week i sthe last one . I can't change this now but I left a somewhat sarcastic message out of frustration for lack of contact for which I am sorry.

But my perception is that I am carrying it alone and I can't do it anymore, and you can't know how it kills me inside as I feel like I am the failure here. I have done everything that I know to do to keep a friendship alive and flourishing long distance and in the end, I am the one who failed her. I couldn't reach her to tell her this live in person, and I won't send it in an email. If she reads this, I'm so sorry. I loev you and I'm sorry I failed you in this. I won't contact you or bother you anymore, but I am here if you need me, you just need to reach out. I'll miss you.

Which brings me to my current problem. Periodically, I suffer from this feeling of failure. In the case above, it's kind of true. But usually it's in my own head.

I feel like I am not the best person that I should be. I recently won an award for ALS Chairperson for the Kiwanis club. I was thrilled. And I don't feel like I deserve it. At all. So I am bothered by that. I know the family would tell me I am crazy.

I feel like my weight problems are another source of failure. Oh no matter that I took off 25 lbs. I still don't feel like it's enough.

I feel incompetent at work - why ??? Because my boss treats me like I am. How long are you treated badly before you believe it's true?

I don't feel in slightest bit attractive due to some criticsm of late. Doctors and friends and what not. I have skin atrophy on my face from overuse of steroids. Could I be any more of an idiot? I , of all people, know better. it's getting better but not fast enough. My own vanity caused it - isn't that sad???

My house is surface wise fine - you would never know that under the surface lies a mass of unorganized chaos. I am working on that.

Maybe at the young age of thirty - something, I am having a midlife crisis. And I am on the brink of getting the exact things that I want. So explain this situation to me. Someone.

I am a very intense and dramatic person, despite my attempts to not be. I have given up trying to be what I am not and am concentrating on being a better version of who am. Sometimes, in the explorations, that means I have doubts about myself. I don't feel worthy of the people in my life and I then suffer some insecurities.

My issues here are largely communication related and fear driven. I know this and recognize it and am trying very hard to make those problems go away. I have some plans for this. OH and I am not patient. I'm better at it, but I am not patient.

I'm just uneasy. Ill at ease.

and this too shall pass.

She gets weary

I'm weary.

I'm so far past tired that I no longer care.

The reasons don't change though the percentage of issue does.

The bottom line is I need to recupperate. I need a vacation. I need to not think about work for more than 24 - 48 hours.

There's another change in there that I need also, but it's too many layers above my control.

The weariness comes from me though. I haven't figured out a way to deal with the minutiae of my job and then explain it to my boss and again to the lead PM.

But I don't wish to talk about this.

The weariness is 50% work and 50% personal.

I spoke to a friend of mine who is Holistic healer. Quite renowned as it turns out.

I mentioned that I don't sleep well, since my best friend started seeing the doctor, and that I am dealing with situational blood pressure spikes. Doctor doesn't want it medicated at this point. But wants it watched and monitored.

She gave me an herbal concoction, don't ask me what it's called as I don't recall, but it is in a vodka base - yum.... Anyway. It was an interesting discussion as she explained what it was and what it did and how it worked. It was for emotional stresses. stresses of the heart. One of the herbs was nicknamed skullcap and the teacher she had described it as a hug for your head.

I loved that.

So I have this mixture and I am trying it tonight. I'm a little bit emotionally overcharged tonight. I am not one to jinx myself so no details right now.

The point being, I do not want to add meds if I don't have to. If this doesn't work, there are energy workups that can be done. I love her though, before we got there, she said " now this is where we get into the 'woo woo' stuff" I almost laughed in her face..... It was cute.

Other than the weariness, my overall outlook is positive. I need to weariness to go away. I miss my energy and I miss my optimism even though I am not down or anything - I am definitely positive I just am not as optimistic as I could be.

I'm actually tired and I am hoping to be able to sleep tonight.

Better but still weepy

I am in a general malaise.

If I'm honest with myself, it's the absence of my best friend for 10 days but who's counting?

Be that as it may. I am sad about Ella's mom. She was a dynamic performer, she was a forthright person - a little bit domineering but we'll call that the mother gene. That and she's British.

Grateful she's not in pain, but sad that she's gone. Something she always said to me came to mind today. She was raised Catholic during WWII. She didn't attend the catholic church - or any church after she moved to this country in 1970. When I asked her about that she told me that she couldn't believe in a God that would allow such a horrible war to go on and ravage her home, her family and her country.

She didn't really give up though. I know she didn't. She's at peace now. And no longer in pain and that's the main thing.

Last night while writing my post, I was seriously at the point of canceling all appts, rehearsals, lessons, pretty much everything are about, on a permanent level.

I just wanted out of my current existence. I'm tired. Bone tired. of everything.

I can't blame my best friend for this either.

It's my job. I am at the point where I hate going to work each day. I hate no matter what I do, it's not right. Or it is right, and I need to be criticized anyway just because.

I hate having my marching orders handed to me at 8:30 AM every day. Evidently I am too stupid to know what is a priority or not.

I am sticking it out as best as I can. But at some point I will need to make a decision. To stay or to go. I think we can all agree that I am not good at that kind of decision.

Additionally I am now at a point that I am seriously considering whether or not I ever want to get married. I am fairly sure that I do. In fact I am positive that I do. But divorce scares me. Being a child of divorce, with very few scars really, the idea of marriage and the work it entails is attractive, but scary. And I am dealing with friends who are on their first and second divorces and re-marriages. That's scary too. Honestly, I am starting to understand some of their reasons better. But divorce in any capacity just makes me cry. Every time, no matter whose it is. Because I see it as the end of a bad fairy tale.

Oh come on, I don't view marriage as a fairy tale. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

Seriously though. In a way, the end of a marriage I feel like it's the end of a life in a sense. and it is, It's the end of your life with that person. Now if they were abusive to you or your children in any way, divorce is the kindest thing that can happen. But just generally, it's so sad that my family and friends go through this that I grieve for them and the life together that they had.

So surely you can understand my fear of marriage is based on my experience with divorce. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best in Rumor has it.

"If the marriage implodes, divorce. You haven't lived fully till you've experienced one of those".

So that saddens me. I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and who I want to marry. I have no time table either.

I am feeling a little bit better about Friday night. I have a good accompanist and so I am really happy that it will go well.

So what am I doing to combat this you may be asking yourself.

Well in the area of my best friend, I'm waiting it out. We'll discuss the absence/communication issues when I see him and I will then explain to him why I am afraid the relationship will change and how communicating helps me keep that on par. But I'm not saying anything till we are in person.

In the area of my friends mom, I am going to the funeral on Wednesday. I need to pay my respects and say goodbye. I will go to the wake on Tuesday night as well so I can see my God-daughter.

In the area of my job, I'm just waiting it out for now. I don't know how long I can stand it but I'm going to try.

As far as the divorce/marriage thing: I just need to get my head out of my ass, be supportive to those who need it and not assume the cloak of responsibility for it.

I'm really not depressed, just sad becacuse things are backing up at one time. I'll be fine, I appreciate the concern and caring.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

I'm crying and I don't even know why

I was sitting at the computer just about 40 minutes ago putting in an order for tomorrow.

I ran into a snag, nothing life threatening or critical, but it sent me into uncontrolled, inconsolable sobs.

It's not over, it's just resting right now.

Today was a weird day. It's been 9 days since I have heard from my best friend. It's stressing me out on a number of levels - none of them new:

• I told him something about me that he didn't know. I am afraid it scared him. He wa sreally supportive but it could cause him to view me in a way that would both surprise and hurt me.
• Or our relationship is changing and not for the better. He no longer needs me and as moved on to other things. This one scares me the most
• Or he's taking me for granted
• Or it could be the real thing that i don't know what it is.

Then there is a friend of mine whose mom we prayed for today at church. She died later today. I know her mom well, this was heartbreaking. But for the best as she was so sick.

Then there is my oldest friend who passed on some bad news today of her own.

Then there is my high level of burnout and the fact that I am so far behind but only care because I am getting yelled at.

I have to learn 15 songs by Friday.

I went to the first rehearsal of my group and am unhappy at this time. I love the new director but have discoverred that the mismanagement of the board has really turned me off. I am looked down on because of who my dad is and that kills me. The man is dead - let him rest in peace.

When I itemize like this, I see the reasons make sense. When it was just the problem with my best friend, I wasn't thrilled, but giving space is OK and I could make my peace with that.

The burnout and dread of Monday mornings makes me so physically ill it actually raises my blood pressure on Sunday nights by 20 points.

I was doing so great this morning. I am really not in a good place.

The master juggler

You know those Meme's that fly around the internet? They invariably ask the most idiotic question I have heard.

"Can you Juggle"

and honestly the only people who ever answer in the positive are people I generally work with.

The answer is "that is my entire job".

Because in our chosen career, multi-tasking is the only to stay equal with the curve. If fortunae smiles on you and you actually get ahead of the curve, you won't be there long so don't get comfortable. I had a boss who used say, if you are ahead of the curve and things are slow, use that time to tighten up the process, not loosen.

And I have managed my life and career that way.

As a single person, managing a career, being a homeowner, pet owner, friend, family member, car owner, lover, it's a tough juggle. You have to manage all of these things and still find time for yourself.

This same boss was once going through a divorce after 16 years of marriage and two kids. After that was over and she started dating again, a man she was dating said to her "I can only hope that I can be considered for the fourth or fifth slot in you priority list." When she asked how he arrived at that position, he told her "You are your own first priority. Your children are your second. Your family is your third and your career is your fourth. "

That was 8 years ago. She is no longer seeing that man which makes me sad as we liked him for her a lot. But his points stuck with me. They are really important. I have always tried to live my life that way too.

Given my life events of late in my romantic life and my career, I see a shift in my priorities and my family and friends have noticed the slow Darwinian shuffle starting to change around me.

My life prior to April went like this:

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Career
4. The Contessa

My life now looks more like this

1. The Contessa
2. Her Best Friend
3. Her Career
4. Her Family
5. Her Friends

But that is not consistent day to day. I am not good at adding that fifth element and juggling the whole stack well. And Honestly I am a true master juggler. I can run a conf call on topic A, while writing up orders for Client B, updating Spreadsheets for Client A and carrying on several IM conversations. At the same time.

So why can't I juggle all of this? Why do I feel like I am failing miserably at some class like Math? I am really trying to find time to include everything and something rise to the top when necessary and some things float back to the bottom. And yes, I know that is normal. But I can't seem to get into a routine and rhythm. The last thing I want to be is the girl who dumps her friends now that she's involved. Regardless of what the relationship is or how important it is, it's still a priority when that call comes in.

I have a crazy week ahead of me. I have not slept well in a week. My blood pressure is riding a bit high for the stress that's in my life today.

I need to get to Friday. Once I'm there, I'll breathe a sigh of relief. the juggling will have stopped.

At least temporarily.

Random items from yesterday

I've taken to titling my posts AFTER I've written them. I'm always afraid that will be the most creative thing about the post.

I spoke at my Kiwanis meeting last night. I hadn't planned on it, but our presdent asked me to give an update on my best friend's brother. One year after our fundraiser, the prognosis is not wonderful. On my way there though, I called to see how his doctor appt went. He didn't go as they rescheduled for next week. He wanted to come over and watch some more movies.

I smiled all the way to the meeting. Really Goofy stuff right?

I crack myself up. I make fun of women who get starry eyed. Or at least I used to. I can't really do that anymore without being somthing of a hypocrite.

***************************************************************************************

I noticed yesterday that my weight was up ever so slightly. I reviewed my eating habits and strategies and gave myself a mental headslap. On Weight watchers, depending on your actual weight, the number of points you are allowed to eat will change. You would have thought that someone who dropped 23 pounds on a program she has been on for 10 years would have remembered that. I have been eating an extra two points every day this week. Resulting in a slight elevation in the overall number. no biggie, It's certainly not a big enough number to make me freak out. It's not yet affecting how my clothes fit, but it needes to be taken care of now. So no pizza, no eating out, no ice cream, minimal alcoholic content. just for a bit.

I'm in an unsupported critical situation at work. Unsupported meaning my management is not supporting it actively. I am doing 100 % of the work and I still don't know if it will go the way I want it too. It's very uncomfortable. I feel in a way that I am beinng set up and on the other hand it could realy make me look good. We'll see.

I"m heading for bed - I am too old for 4AM nights.

definitions

My job in the past few days has been unbelievably challenging.

I have noticed an increasing anger like a low level hum, almost primordial, amongst my team in the past 18 months.

It's been slowly increasing to a fever pitch.

And the calm before the storm is now officially over.

Our staff call today went 2 and half hours. It was recorded, and now I know why. OUr leader verbally abused and bashed us in defense of a lie he has been perpetuating.

Actually. I feel really sorry for him. I'm sorry that he came from a corporate culture that used fear and intimidation in order to lead. I'm sorry that he feels if he doesn't have us doing absolutely everyone's job including our own means that he will lose his.

The reality is, he is a nice man. He is a smart man. He is a compassionate man.

His business persona is almost opposite.

What I found more important here is that I walked out of my house at 5 and taught 3 lessons to my kids. Then I was looking forward to Coldstone Ice cream, but my mom wanted us out east as my step dad had just gotten through surgery. Successfully as it turns out, the mass is gone now. We are thrilled, he is running a temp but as long as it goes down and stays down he can come home tomorrow.

I heard from my best friend again today twice. This is an unnerving precedent. But entirely lovely. He is coming by any minute to show off his new car and we'll watch a movie and relax a bit. This is a repeat of what we did last night too.

I want to say this because today I noticed it. The work stuff is really bothering me. Here's what I do and I realized today that I do it all the time.

When things get bad, between my immediate mgmt and myself ( and /or my team), I assume that it's me. It's my fault, or I'm not as good at what I do. I torment myself into believing that I am not qualified or good at my job.

As I was driving to my mom's, with various team members on my phone, It occurred to me that the reason things are bad, is because I am not good at what I do.

I was quickly brouoght back to reality. My customer likes me. I must be doing something right. My previous manager gave me superior ratings all the time. He trusted me implicitly.

The problem here, isn't me.

Well it is in a way.

I am very thorough in what I do. What ends up happening is that my bosses of yore ( and present) woulf issue me directives that I had already done. I normally just say OK. and do the next couple of necessary steps. With my current boss, if I don't confirm it's done already, I end up hearing hourly "is it done yet? when will you get to it?". So I find myself in the awkward position of saying " I took care of that already" which generally shows that I am ahead of my boss.

ONly people who are really secure can handle that.

I find that the mgmt that I have worked for in my life that can't hear that, are generally afraid one of us is after their job.

They needn't worry. Not interested.

But once I realized that I am really good at my job, I was able to let it go. I had a nice evening with my family. Great news on the mass being gone succesfully and my best friend should be here momentarily. I am in a great mood.

Seriously no matter what happens tomorrow or the next day, this mgmt does not define me or my qualifications to do this job.

The opposite of the Midas touch

Things here are not going well and you know what they say:

"When it rains it pours"

Well - we had torrentional rain, thunder and lightning ripping through the area along with a tornado in Brooklyn last night.

That's just the actual weather report.

The storms, more commonly referred to as my life, took a different format. My bedroom A/C unit leaked water all over my carpet night before last which required me to mop up a boat load of water and found me drying the carpet with a hair dryer.

I spent last night researching "through the wall sleeve" units. They start at $450.00. I found a nice Sears Kenmore model for $499.00 and my neighbor is going to help me install it.

My best friend called last night. His brother, as usual, doesn't learn. He has managed to thwart the efforts to get him hospice services. This is not terribly unusual though, he had to fall severla times in order to first get the cane, then get the walker anad finally the wheelchair. So this did not come as a surprise to me. Or him. But it is frustrating all the same because it's so unfair to his family. And all the people who help care for him.

Then there is the matter of my car. It feels like a roller coaster ride if you are in the passenger seat. I mentioned it to my best friend last night and he suspects the suspension. That never occurred to me, but then that shouldn't surprise anyone. I'm not "handy" that way.

So the money I have coming in PLUS my savings account will be going towards these two expenditures.

I tend to have the opposite of the midas touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.

Let's review the evidence:

• My job: Things were beautiful for about 4 years. BAM! merger. New boss. life is now crap.
• My love life: I met my soul mate. We are both in love with each other but the problem very specifically lies with him not wanting or ready to acknowledge it with some kind of peramanance. So right people - wrong time.
• My friendships: By and large this is not so bad, BUT I do have a couple of friends who seem to have abandoned me and I am unclear why. I should take the hint I guess. If they don't want regular contact wtih me and want to be friendly acquaintances who talk perhaps once or twice a year, thats fine. I just wish people would be up front instead of stringing me a long. One, when questioned, actually went with the "it's not you - It's me. "
• My family: While things are better here, I swear we are like a slightly warped version of everybody loves Raymond. And I'm Robert. Really do I need to say more?
• My home/car: As you have already seen we've covered this above. In the hopes of not being redundant I won't review it again.

Now, you may laugh when I say this but even with all of this above, every night I say a prayer, in the hopes that there is a heaven. This prayer consists of me thanking God for:

• the job that i have ( even though it blows),
• the home I have ( though it needs repairs),
• the car I drive ( same with the repairs),
• the friends and family that I have ( though all of us may be certifiable)
• The relationship that I am involved in ( though it needs a good deal of work)
• My health
• The world that we live in

Then I pray for the following:

• To make the job that am in better. by getting rid of leader
• To help me find the necessary elements to repair my home
• To help me find the necessary elements to repair my car
• To help my family and friends through any trials, illnesses or generals needs and blessings
• To help me with my relationship to get things on track for us.
• Keep me healthy and those close to me
• TO make the world a better place
• To give me strenght and courage to keep moving forward even when I feel like there is no hope, or have lost my way or my desire.

I guess that while I have the opposite of the midas touch, I also still have hope that I will be able to straighten everything out.

Rainy days and MOndays

Now I wont start this by saying that I worried for nothing yesterday.

I worried about the sad realities that surround working for the person that I do.

I told my partner in crime in the south today that the only reason I didn't quit last week is that everything I am doing would be dumped on her.

Isn't that amazing? Even in my job, I am thinking of my staff before my ownn happiness.

The reality is if and when I do separate myself, my staff will pay because they will not backfill the position regardless of whose choice it is.

The amount of work that we have used to be manageable but my leader has added layers and steps that are unnecesary and timewasters. Thus the 6 of us limp along with no ability to get through this.

So my worrying about him returning from vacation was totally for something. In fact he has since added steps to my workload. Thus, I will never dig out from under.

And you know what - I don't much care.

On a different front, I am back to feeling like there is a hole in my heart. I miss my best friend so much and I feel like a part of me is empty. I have noticed it more and more through last week, till last night I had two feelings inside me. The low level dread of the return of leader and the low level ache of missing my best friend.

I never thought I would miss hin like this and I don't recall ever missing someone like this. The feeling isn't pain exactly. It's like a piece of me is missing, at least temporarily. It's a really strange feeling.

I was asked by my priest if I was actually in love or just in love with the idea of him. I thought for a fleeting second about what he was asking me. And the answer formed without my thinking it all the way through. NO. It is him. I am in love with him. No matter what is happening between us, good, bad, fighting whatever, I hear his voice and my heart sings. It's the strangest thing.

He also warned me to watch out that he doesn't become an addiction. That's not really a cause for concern. We reviewed the criteria there and none of them fit.

So my life which consisted largely of my career and my love life has recently decided to reside in the toilet. For now.

I really started thinking about how I can turn this around. Sadly there are nont a lot of actionable items that I can do right now. Working around the clock is counter productive so while I may work later than normal, I won't adopt the behaviour my boss wants us to have. Waiting and worrying about my best friend and what's happening isn't going to change and I'm not going to hound him. And I'm not worried, I just miss him. Terribly.

I have a tendancy to want all the facets of my life to be functional and good. If one thing has some issues, that's OK. We work through them. When any of the major pillars are not working, it's distressing but we patch it up. When the two major pillars don't work - that's really bad. For me. Really really bad.

So this is where I am at on this first day of the work week.

Wishing tomorrow won't come

in 6 minutes it will be Monday.

Instead of being a better week than last, this one will be miles worse.

Leader is back and already flooding me with emails. It could be worse as there are 5 in the last hour and only one is truly ludicrous. But there's lots of hours between now and the start of the work day.

I am dreading Monday and planning my worst case actions which include but are not limited to resignation (letter is written already), opening and ethics case and an HR case. None of which I want to do, but I do believe that I may need to protect myself since my management chain most likely will not.

I am saddened by this turn of events to be sure. After almost 10 years here, it's come to this.

Tomorrow is now 2 minutes away. I'm signing off here to try and sleep.

Re-charging

Today was a great day.

Why?

Because I did very little that I didn't want to do or choose to do.

I had my voice lesson which went well. We're talking about the possibility of another recital next year. This time I am picking the material. With recommendations of course, but I am not doing the killer program that I just did this year.

I'm looking to by a docking station for my ipod. One for the bedroom so I can hear my tunes while I take my bath at night. I have already blown out two sets of ear buds because they fell in the tub. I really don't want to keep spending money on those...

I came home, after by passing Weight watchers... Nothing personal, I should have gone, but I wanted to get home, get in my suit and sit by my pool and work on my tan. Which is exactly what I did. I read my book, listened to my JOni Mitchell CD and just generally disconnected from the world for 2 hours.

Which brings me to my next point. I have noticed how difficult it is for me to disconnect lately. I've started making a checklist of the shift I undergo depending on whether I am dealing with job related stress, emotional stress or worse - both. So far:

Job Related stress:
Weight Gain due to over eating
Unable to sleep at night - requires 2 different sleep meds to get 6 hours in.
Eczema breakouts despite meds
Unable to disconnect even for an hour
Snapping at the slightest provocation
Tears of frustration just hovering under the surface

Emotional Related Stress:
Weight Loss due to under eating
Excessive sleep - more than 8-9 hours a night
Tears of emotion at controlled intervals.
Disconnectiong from the world entirely for long stretches of time
Disinterest in my normal activities.

Isn't this interesting? Today, I made a conscious decision that disconnecting was my only choice. I spend two hours reading, tanning, listening to music, swimming. Then I came upstairs and had a lovely cool shower using my lavendar scented scubz sugar scrub.

When I emerged from my cool shower, feeling so refreshed, I applied my Aveeno Cream Oil and made some lunch. I watched Keeping the faith and took a nap. I can honestly tell you that it was the best nap I have had in months. I felt rested but I will still sleep tonight. I have laid out my outfit for my nephews baptism tomorrow. My parents are picking me up on our way out to Forest Hills. I am looking forward to this. I will take pictures!

I am recovering from the week. I will not have this week twice in a row. I just won't. And I have already decided that if my boss needs 7 hours to understand what is happening, he is going to have to get it from someone else - I am not up for the discussion at this time. I can't make him less clueless and multiple hours of explanation just takes me away from what I need to do for the customer. I can't operate the way he does. I am too old to live on that kind of adrenaline all the time.

We, as human beings, spend too much time connected. Email, cell phones, pagers, blackberrys. It's too much. No one should be that connected all the time. It burns us out too fast. It's information overload. It forces us to live on adrenaline so frequently that the fight or flight syndrome can't work the way it is intended too because we live it day to day now.

I have worked very hard in my life to play as hard as I work and to make the time for both equal. I have learned that my sacrifice of my life for my job will not be rewarded. It will be taken for granted. That's quite a sacrifice if you think about it. Handing over your life to your employer? And not getting compensated for it? All that does is set an ugly precedent. And instead of appreciating your noble gesture of handing over your life all they do is expect it and take it for granted. And - it's not their fault either. In most cases, they didn't even ask for it!

I am the first person for doing your job and doing it well. Not to be trite, but seriously Be the best that you can be while you are at your job, but go home when you are supposed to, take your lunches when you should - and not at your desk while working. This enables you to recharge you batteries so that you can come back tomorrow and be the best again.

People who have lives outside of their careers are the ones who go far. The workaholics often get passed up for higher positions because the workaholic tendancy tends to mask other issues. Management classes tend to teach that people who work round the clock like that have one of two issues, either they are ineffective in the position that they hold meaning they are really not qualified to do the job or are not trained properly OR there is truly so much work that the headcount needs to be increased.

Once I realized that my tendancy towards being a workaholic masked my confidence in my ability to do my job, I relaxed and did the best work I could during my alotted work hours, took my lunch when I was supposed to and then went home and relaxed. I became more productive and better at what I do. My problem was fear and confidence.

I just won't go back to that again.

Another day in hell ( the opposite of Another day in Paradise)

The week is over.

I can safely tell you that I have no idea where it went. Honestly.

days ran into each other, the line from one day to the next blending so specifically that I have no clue what day it was.

It was an odd feeling to know that I didn't actually LEAVE the house until Wednesday evening.

I had a slightly better day today, for two reasons. My old boss, the one I adore, stopped bashing me publicly all week and started helping me out. All is not forgiven yet, but much of it is.

The second reason is it's Friday. My housekeeper was here. I warned her up front that criticism will not be appreciated today. That didn't stop her, but it did make her understand when I snapped at her. She had the stupidity to criticize how I take care of my roses. THEY JUST GOT DELIVERED THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? So when she was done, I asked her if there was anything else that I wasn't doing correctly that she needed to advise me on. She laughed and apologized and said that it was clearly not my week.

My groceries were delivered and my favorite ice cream was in there. I smiled and dreamed about that until I couldn't stand it anymore and ate it for dinner. Yum

I got a lot done today. IN fact I got a lot done this week. despite the fact that no one will give me the database that I need to true up my data against. I don't want to hear it when stuff is missing. seriously I don't.

I had to advise my PM to stop allowing the mudslinging on calls. Its not productive and it tears the fabric of the team apart.

Then I noticed the fruit flies. Loads and loads and loads of them.

I hate bugs. All bugs. well - not lady bugs. But generally all bugs.

Don't misunderstand - I'm not afraid of any of them I just hate them.

I spoke to the exterminating company that's on retainer for my condo. They don't treat for fruit flies. Why you may ask?

They have a lifespan of less than 4 hours. However they multiply like wildfire. So the trick is to not let them land for too long as that is supposedly when they mate. I find it hard to believe however I am not an expert on fruit flies.

In lieu of bug spray, I used oust. When I ran out of that ( not the best choiice by the way), I went to windex. it worked for the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding so why not?

Seriously it worked. They like to land on mirrors and glass so you can kill two birds with one stone. You can clean the glass and kill the bugs all at once!

I took an almost sadistic pleasure in killing them off. I figure as long as I force the numbers down, I figure the rest will die the slow death that I have been promised.

It's the end of the week. I really needed to spend time with my best friend and he needed to spend time with me. It was just not an option this week. Though we tried. Hard.

I have a technique that I use for weight watchers a lot. It's called Mental Rehearsal.

I use it for more than just weight loss though. I find that when I need to have conversations that are very important, I use that technique. When I need to do anything difficult, I use mental rehearsal. It helps me to guide the outcome in a way that is respectful and beneficial to all parties.

I was rehearsing a conversation that I was going to have with a family member regarding the situation with my best friend. really - truly - it's not their business. However, given the fact that it's taken some affects on me, a small explanation may be necessary. I haven't officially decided whether to do it or not. But one of the comments that came into my mind during the mental rehearsal was that we are fighting to stay in each other's lives.

Isn't that an interesting line. Fighting to stay in each other's lives. In effect fighting to stay together. When people have found their soul mates, its very hard to walk away. There is a connection and it doesn't go away. even when you walk away. It's true.

I know. Because I've done it. And I tried to do it a second time. And I havenn't been successful because there is wisdom that comes with age. Not just for me. He is fighting to keep me too. Flattering - hell yes. Realistic? don't know yet.

The minute that we get him a job and working full time again, his life will change.

And so will mine. I can roll with this punch too, but come on. You guys KNOW I hate change.

I am just afraid that this change will be the thing that changes US. Now yes, that can be for the good OR the bad. Because I tend to be unlucky in love, I tend to be a little pessismistic and don't think that the change will be for the good.

I am reminded of my mom. She wouldn't marry my step dad right away. She was afraid that marriage would change their relationship. They lived together for years. She finally married him and they are still married. And happy. she calls him her prince charming.

But such is my love for him that I need him to be happy. And he's not. It has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with his situation with his brother. I need him to be settled and happy. It's that important to me that this happen soon. And if it comes to pass that we fall apart, I will deal with the loss of color. And if he gets his act together and we change for the better, then the color will just explode further in my life and that will be wonderful.

And thus ends my last day in the week from hell. I wish I could have high hopes for next week, but alas, I do not. My leader comes back from vacation and he's going to make this whole exec escalation worse by talking me to death while I try to get work done. I am not planning to do another week like this.

It is officially the weekend and this time is my time.

MY TIME.