Fear - revisited

My dear friend's mom passed away 2 weeks ago.

I woke up in the morning, it was a Friday I remember. I had a bunch of silly facebook things from her between 6-8 AM which is when her son is having his breakfast.

Then I saw her status at 9.

" I am devastated. My mom just passed away".

And I fell apart.

I have never met her mom in person though we have spoken on the phone numerous times over the years.

Her mom was diagnosed a few months ago with Cancer of the throat. It had transferred to the brain though that didn't appear malignant.

What they didn't know, was that it also spread to the the lungs. THe Squamesh Cell Carcinoma had spread to her lungs. Ultimately killing her, though the death vertificate reads Cardiac Arrest.

In trying to help my friend sort through this via email I started to realise that I was sobbing. And So happy that Jon was in the next room.

How could I even tell him that her mom passed away from the very cancer that he has? THe one they said was not terminal? I realise that each situation is very specific and individual, but this puts a definite twist on things - don't you think?

He walks in a few minutes later and I was composed and continuing to write my response to her. I told him that i had heard from her and what she was busy doing and the memorial plans and he commented that it would be truly ideal if we had the money to fly down for it, but we don't so that's out. She knew that. She was OK with that and really didn't expect it.

I let it go at that. He had enough trouble her mom passing as it was. I really can't, in good conscience, tell him that she passed due to a freak spread ( really fast too) of this cancer. His mind - he will go straight to "If it spread that quickyl with her, what's to prevent it from happening to me like that". I don't want him living life scared. At all. ever.

This brought a lot into perspective. I have been holding on to him so tightly that he is itching to break free a bit. It's out of fear that something will happen to him again the minute I am out of sight. The price I am paying for this is too high though. It nearly cost me my best friend in the world. I won't do that. I won't sacrifice that relationship for this one - and he isn't asking me too.

This issue has been brought into a really specific relief right now. HE doesn't know all of it, but he knows I am upset about the whole thing. He decided that we were going to a play in the city together. We are going to get a crowd together and pack the place. It's a great idea. I love it.

I am erring on the side of life. THe secret will eat at me for awhile but it has to be mine.

At least for now.

Can I use a lifeline?

That show drove my crazy. To be honest I'm not a Regis fan.

But I was grasping at anything that resembled a life line today.

Sometimes I'm smart about it and othes not so much.

I'm dealing with a problem that I don't know how to fix.

Actually that's not accurate. I KNOW a conversation has to take place, however, being the GOOD study that I am, I really already know how that's going to go.

So I looked at WHY I feel the way I do and had a HELL of a time trying to pinpoint my exact issues.

Then I tried to find another method for solving it. I still don't have one but I did call for lifelines:

1. I first tapped into my inner poet - laugh all you want - it's actually not bad for me. I'm NOT a poet. Some us drink because we aren't poets ( hint: a Dudley moore quote from a movie). THe poem came out pretty good though.

2. I then emailed my priest and asked for a time to go sit and talk to him. We haven't in a while so we're overdue. I could bring beer.... wait it's in the morning.... no beer - wine maybe....

3. I emailed my psychic to ask if it was too soon for another reading - I think it is and this issue is circumstantial but worth asking.

4. I went to the pilates class I planned to go to and felt better after,

5. I read an article from a life coach. She basically gave the ten commandments of marriage and intimacy and I swear if I rememebered where her site was I would tell you her name AND the website.

6. She gave a neat idea on how to re-establish intimacy and that connection between two people - I loved it and tried it and I am already seeing benefits.

7. we had a short discussion this evening - very short - where he actually chastised me for not fighting fair and bringing up the past. I laughed out loud at this. I am the child of a Marriage Encounter couple.... I know ALL ABOUT fighting fair. I just didn't in that moment. Very unusual and he even said so.

THough I feel better and have stopped anything resembling tears, I am keeping my appointment tomorrow morning. Why? Because I do need to talk it out. I have some things to sort out and need some help with that.

I didn't eat today which is never a good sign - I did have dinner because he deliberately waited for me to come home so he could eat with me.

So I'm using my lifelines....

Fate and life choices

As you all know I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe that there can be "perfect" matches but they can change over time.

I am not the same person I was at 21. If I had married the man that I loved in my early 20's I would be miserable, divorced and probably a mother.

I'm lucky enough to still call that man by the title "friend". But husband? uh - thanks - no.

What I discovered in looking back at the men in my life from the very first one to the most recent is that they all had something special in common. Two things actually.

One: They were either musicians OR had a deep love of music.
Two: There was a sensitive side to them.

Growth is possible between two people. If you are lucky, you grow together through love, respect and.... communication.

We had a week of highs and lows. Actually that describes my life with him perfectly. Now, normally, I would tell you that I would choose a man who would give me safety and securtiy. And um. well. Boredom.

I am NEVER bored with Jon. Never.

After a very eventful week, we had a scheduled game night tonight. We love board games and played them while he was in the hospital daily.

Tonight was a scheduled pot luck sit down dinner with 3 couples and then two board games over dessert.

Last night I came home from teaching and he announces that the audition for the play in the city that he was asked to read for was moved up to, that's right, TONIGHT.

5-8.

Dinner was scheduled at 6:30.

He cooked the entree in the morning and got on the train while I was out east getting groomed. He went to his brothers and then to the city. They got him in and out in an hour. We ended up 30 minutes late to dinner - and since we were bringing it and the hostess was running behind it worked out well.

This was a great night. We were on opposite teams. And yet we were still a team. It was quite funny but we were acting like an actual couple - possibly for the first time in front of our friends like that. It was nice and it was odd.

Up till now, while we were a couple, we were still sort of a secret couple.

Slowly but surely that is changing. I got a healthy dose of a lot good stuff today. He bragged about me right in front of our friends which I loved and was surprised by. The whore wasn't mentioned at all in any capactiy. He and I played off each other like the pro's that we are. It was obvious to everyone.

He also told everyone at the table about my different laughs. It was incredibly touching.

I know you are all reading this and scratching your head thinking "What's the big frickin deal? So what"

And if I were you - I know that's what I would be saying.

The fact is - we have been working hard to become a unit - a single unit - not two people in two worlds acting as one once in awhile.

I have a secret to tell you too.

I knew 9 years ago, after his divorce - that he was the only man for me. I love that but I hate it.

I knew that no matter who I dated, he would be the man by which all others would be measured. And while at times that bothers me, most of the time I am content in that knowledge.

So game night was a success in a lot of ways. The boys won Trivial pursuit though we gave them a good run for their money. We won Pictionary. By a hair. But we still won.

The fact is that I know how I feel about him and he knows how he feels about me. I dont' fight it I gave that up a long time ago. He does occasionally still fight it, because he's accustomed to a certain lifestyle and hasn't made 100% peace with the choice that HE wanted to make. He told me the other day that moving in was the best choice he made in a long time.

We are actively working on making this house "OURS". Since we decided in this uncertain economy that moving not a choice for the time being, we are making what we have work better for both of us.

As for his illness, we had a scare this week with some sudden and rapid swelling in the lymph node ( in about 30 minutes ) and we took a trip to the ER and there was nothing they could do because I had him ice it before we left the house and by the time we got there, it was gone. It happened again the next day and we identified it as being related to the hole in his tonsils. Food gets in and voila! Instant swelling.

To add a sad note, a dear friend of mine had her mom pass from the same type of cancer on Friday. While that scared Jon terribly as it did me, our hearts and condolences are with her and her family right now. We love her mom and will miss her terribly. The family is in her thoughts at this time.

To wrap this up, fate is a funny thing. Whether you believe in fate, soul mates or whatever isn't even important. I make my life choices by my gutt a lot of the time. I made the choice about Jon 9 years ago. It just wasn't "our time" yet. I'm not even sure it's our time now. But I think we are a lot closer to that than we ever were.

So whether this is fate or a life choice - or both - I am not sorry.

And I am NOT bored.

The freudian slip

Most people I am close to are equating my relationsjip with Jon to a marriage.

DEAR LORD I HOPE THIS IS NOT WHAT MARRIAGE IS.

Well I hope this is not ALL that marriage is.

Truthfully speaking, until there's an actualy wedding I don't feel like we're married.

Of course - I have NO frame of reference to this. So I can only tell you this based on what I have witnessed and heard about.

So it when my best friend made the comment that we were married - I laughed it off. When My mom, who lived for years with my step dad before they got married, commented that I was married- I paused but laughed it off.

Third time is the charm right?

I was at my pilates class at his congregation ( UU Congregation) and I was the only non member there. All of them including the instructor were married to Jewish men. They were all cracking the joke that they were jewish by injection. All of sudden it got quiet and they looked at me. I looked up from my mat and noticed the stares.... uh oh what did I miss? Did I pay the wrong amount? crap.

"Are you Jewish? are you married to one? " they asked me.

"No - I'm married to a Born and raised UU." I replied.

Crap. I can't believe that came out of my mouth. So readily off the cuff too.... yeesh how to back pedal from this....,

"Well - we aren't married - but there are days when it FEELS like we are...."

Whew - that generated some laughing and some " I HEAR THAT" kind of commentary.

I was happy when the instructor finally got down to business.

In light of a lot of things that happen politically lately I think that everyone should have the right to kind of relationship that is right for them - with whomever they want to be with. It should be allowed to be legal. There is no good reason why it shouldn't. We are a non religious country therefor that should not be the defining factor.

I love this man and he loves me. We live together and may never go through a wedding. But this is a marriage. It's a marriage of souls.

And that's what's important.

Project Managing my household.

OK I'll just say it.

Sometimes the communications skils or lack there of in my home are just annoying. Plain and simple.

For both of us. I'm NO prize.

So Friday - after de-gluing his ass from the couch - he went and worked out at my Best Friends' house.

When he came home he took both my hands in his and said "Jenna is really worried about the condition of our home. She kindly offered to help us clean up and organize"

My head internally combusted.

Why is this conversation taking place with my best friend and not with me?

I do some emails with her and a phone conversation and come to discover that he was using her as an intermediary to approach the topic.

That actually angers me more.

The fact is I have been doing literally everything in the house for, well, ever. He has been sitting on the couch playing with Yahoo Answers for 3 weeks licking his wounds. And I don't even know what the wounds were at the time....

Well I now know what the wounds are and this is legit. However. I'm not yet over the whole bringing my best friend into this.

So I bite the bullet and tell him that Jenna can't help us til January and I don't want to wait that long so lets come up with a plan.

He looked at me, blinked and admitted that he has a lot of worries. I told him that financial worries, while substantial and not to be ignored, can be dealt with as long as you have a plan. He's notorious for no plan, so this is huge.

First thing I did was take the first financial priority and address it. We needed to fill out some forms to do a change of address on his reg and DL. That way we can get him a parking permit for the building and stop the bleeding. Next we have to take care of the parking tickets ( we have the meter maid from hell here and the abolutely MOST ridiculous parking rules).

Then I told him we need to start by getting his dining table out of storage and I will buy the chairs we want.

As for organizing - I gave him his choice. He opted for the kitchen and we arranged to start on Sunday.

That done - we happily skipped through the weekend. Did I mention that my brother's wife gave birth to a baby boy? First kid for this sibling. Additionally, his first name is the same as the whore's youngest - not my fav. The middle name is after my brother and my dad. Which is lovely. He looks like my brother. I got to hold him - he's so tiny. So good.

We get to Sunday. He goes to services, I go to teach. I come home and immediately set about the emptying of the cabinets. 2 hours later - he strolls through the door with his guitar in his hand, all happy, and says - Oh I was kind of planning to blow this off today and I thought you were too.....

WRONG.

If you do something so ridiculous as to bring a third person into the equation - don't you EVER think I'm going to "blow it off." For that matter, if you go so far as to make a plan with me - you had better pony up because this is, by the way, WHAT I DO FOR A FREAKING LIVING.

He is downright shocked.

So he gets to work.

THe entire time that we are working, I am getting frustrated. Why? Because he is setting up the kitchen to suit HIM. I am not factored into the equation.

For reference, so you understand, I am 5' 2" tall and he is 6'. So I will concede on some things but not on everything. Don't tell me, for example, that we are going to put the toaster oven that we use EVERY SINGLE day on the top of the cabinets and just take it down and put it back.

That's stupid.

We use it - EVERY DAY. that should be lower to the ground.

I am willing to utilize the space differently and hell I will make all of it seem like his idea, but can't you at least try and make a couple of concessions for the fact that I cook and bake too and that I'm SHORT????

He finally stopped, looked at me and said - "You haven't eaten today have you?" Negatory good buddy!

So we took an extended break, ate, and then I took a bath and detoxed a bit and finally put the items on the counter away temporarily.

He will take it from here.


We discussed paint choices for the house, we discussed how to get the furniture and when. We talked about the fact that in this economy, buying a new home is not really optional right now. We'll see what happens. but I'm not planning it right now.

We are communicating better. I think we are both working a bit harder at this.

Man - marriage - real or common law - is hard damn work.

worth it in the end though.

playing hooky

I have never actually played hooky in my life.

I have never once called in sick and gone to the beach.

I have never skipped a class without a good reason ( coffee and euchre anyone?)

Today, I woke up at 6 with a raging headache, bodyaches and scratchy throat the urge to sleep like the dead. So I called in sick.

Jon woke me at 11. We both looked freaked - him because he had fallen asleep on the couch and forgot to wake me and me because I didn't wake him then to tell him I was calling in.

Surprise Surprise.

I was impressed to find that I was feeling completely better - I took 2 aleve just to make sure that these faded away and went back to bed for an hour.

When I emerged, Jon suggested that I go to the beach. What a great idea. It didn't happen - but it was a great idea.

I ended up going to my best friend's home and having lunch with her. We played air hockey on the new table they got for the boys.

I had a lovely time and we got to talking about some things happening in my home lately - good things. Like the discussion of how marriage takes hard work that the three of us had and him using Us as the example. THe other thing is his issues with his mom that persist from our eventful spell in the hospital.

This one is kind of hard for me. Once I discovered that she was not my number one fan, I have realized that I am not so quick to defend her. What really cinched it for me is that he has a warped sense of reality and hers - is worse.

For some reason she labors under the illusion that she rushed to his bedside and was there constantly.

OK here's the reality check - because I was there - every day and every time that I was allowed to be.

She did rush to him though she was hour and half away - so it took 2 more hours to get back once I called. It wouldn't have mattered anyway had she gotten there sooner - we would have been standing in the hallway together waiting for him to be moved. She was there that day,and once a day for the 2 days he was in ICU and once while he was in CCU. That's 3 times by my count.

Once he was in a regular room, she came the day after his suicide commentary, and one other time before he was moved in the psych unit. That's 5 so far - stay with me.

They moved into the psych unit. I saw him there 2 times and hten they moved him again. She hadn't gotten there yet.

In the all male psych unit they moved him to, she was there one time. And that was it until he came home.

6 times in 20 days.

I don't expect her to be there every minute of every day that he was there as I was. I kept her in the loop for every single thing that went on and she did the same with me.

He is angry at her for very specific and personal reasons. He's been harboring it for quite sometime. I have long since dropped it as a topic because he isn't prepared to deal with her.

So I was in some state of surprise when he mentioned to me that he was still angry about the lack of concern and lack of response she displayed at the hospital - "I got a social worker not a mom" is how he puts it. (She's a social worker so it's not a stretch).

I told him that mom's love their children - all of them - but sometimes they just aren't capable of doing the things that YOU need them to do, sometimes though they may love you to the best of their ability, it may not be enough but it is all that they are capable of. She is only human. She did the best she could.

The fact is, she did try and social work him, She took his personal choices for his care out of the equation. She put his brother first even at the lowest point. When he came out of the sedative and was talking depression and suicide, the only person he wanted was his mom. Not me, not anyone - just her. I called and called and called - and she didn't come till the next day. She didn't feel that her presence would do anything for him.

I disagreed then and I disagree now. I did everything I could for him, and don't get me wrong, he is very thankful and happy that I was there and took care of him. I am not offended at all that he wanted his mom instead of me - I don't blame him one bit.

This has weighed on us for 2 months now. He's starting to talk about both with me - calmly and with her - not so much. She has resorted to threats which concerns me. He is not talking to her on the phone right now and he's not responding to her emails.

So I brought this tot he kitchen table because my best friend understands this kind of strife as she has some similar things happening in her own family.

It felt good to talk it out like that and it gave me energy to write it here.

The rest of the day I spent food shopping, cooking and cleaning - and it felt good. I made a bacon mushroom savory pie for dinner - he ate half of it. We had Pinot Noir and chocolate ice cream for dessert.

We are planning some fun things to do now. We are also scheduling his surgery soon.

Playing half a day of hooky was really worth while. I should have done this sooner. It's like a surprise gift.

I would not make this a habit - but boy it felt good today.

Bonus: another half lb down. :-)))))