The plan - Month 6 & 7

Wow - I was so caught up in my own life that I truly thought I did my update for June and didn't!

To be honest - June was not a month I choose to want to remember.

Scenario 1 -

1. HealthExercise: Exercize has been badly lacking. I have been swimming some, but not enough to really count. I have been eating well though and have hit the 20 L B milestone. My B/P continues to remain average to low, even in stressful times. Sleep has been so/so but that will right itself soon enough
2. Scenario 2 - Job/Career- I'm starting to notice the effects of burnout. This happens from time to time with me. I took a week off to re-charge. I came back to an executive escalation ( for those of you who don't know - really NOT a good thing). The good news is my boss is on vacation. The bad news for him is he is sort of working. He called me today and reassured me that this has nothing to do with me and he was impressed with how I left things for my back up. Breathing better but still tense.
3. Scenario 3 - My home - Really went to the dogs in the past 2 weeks. I started whipping it back into shape today actually. I need to do mountains of laundry and my housekeeper comes on Friday.
4. Scenario 4 - finances - better. Much better. And you know what I found out, it's kind of true.... money can't buy happiness. It can buy fabulous shoes though.
5. Scenario 5 - Education - Kids are studying. My piano kids finally got a piano. Very exciting for them. I got a new voice student which is wonderful. I am stsil taking lessons and have a full plate of music to learn now.
6. Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - My family is amazing. My sister's baby is being baptized this weekend. We are so excited. My friends are wonderful. When I needed them most, even though I was unable to talk about what was going on, they still came through for me. My relationship with my best friend is an on going saga and I love him. Enough to marry him. But things aren't there at this time. So it's a long and strange road that we are on right now and I may change direction. It's a lot up in the air for now.
7. Scenario 7 - Self esteem - I don't think it's all that high. But I have been told by my priest that it's higher than I think it is for the movement and steps to take care of myself that I have made. Regardless of where I am on this journey, I am making sure that I am taking care of me on the way. So I suppose my self esteem is actually improving. I have been taking better care of my body, I am sitting out in the sun for about an hour or two a day wth sunscreen of course. My eczema is clearing up by leaps and bounds because of it, eliminating the need for steroids. I have my sugar scrubz and take my sugar and salt baths each night. I read HP and it was amazing. I have started wearing makeup again.

my updates seem bland and boring even to me. But honestly - I feel good about them.

Pot Pourie

Part Un

I was unable to post for a couple of days out of fear.

Fear that my laptop was about to crash.

I came home and turned it on, and it kept re-booting.

I finally gave up, shut it down and called the help desk to open a ticket.

Then it suddenly flashed on and said "Memory size modified" and lo an behold my laptop sprung to life.

Still worried about the data, I shut it down till This morning when I could speak to a technician.

I am 15 days away from warranty expiration which ironically is bad. If it had expired, I would have a brand new laptop. But alas, It it so I am getting a refurbished system board, ac adapted and battery. Woo f'n hoo.

I worked through the day on a laptop that was so slow you could hand write what I was doing faster. I was unable to open too many programs or it would crash.

Part Deux

It was while trying to work on my slower than molasses laptop, that I was asked to join a quick conf bridge with my PM on my project.

*** Please note that I have been on vacation for the past week ***

I join and we go through the same old litany of "how many orders... what is a Satellite.... are we done putting new orders in..... " Really after 6 months you'd think they could come up with some questions.

The next thing I know, we have directors joining the call. Evidently the customer esc to our VP. I'm not really one to point fingers but the majority of the issues we have been trying to overcome are the customers. We are literally killing ourselves and all I heard was my director telling me that I didn't push hard enough.

Now. I was - am, very disturbbed by that statement. They want me to be empowered to get the job done, but then they take my escalation chain away. My boss has known of these issues for months and I am being blamed for not calling someone I didn't even know was associated with this project?

Not crazy about this one. But given that the director and I are friendly I may choose to have a side conversation with him on this.

Part Trois

Or I may start looking for a new gig. I am seriously tired. Drained and tired. I suspect some burnout. I'm going to wait it out a bit and see if I bounce back. This may have just been a bad day.

Part Quatre

The two days with no laptop were peaceful. More so than I had expected. Very relaxing.

Part Cinq

I suspect the burnout is two fold - part from personal issues and part from work related issues. It feels like there is no safe haven for me right now. I was able to use work to get away from personal and personal to get away from work, but now I don't want EITHER an I want BOTH.

So it's a little bit frustrating.

Part Six

I hit 20 lbs officially this morning. I was thrilled. Considering I spent yesterday sleeping and on the couch reading my HP book.

Part Sept

My houuse is a flipping disaster. I have to pick it up, do laundry, run the dishwasher - all those things.

Part Huit

My personal definition of depression:

1. When my house is let go within an inch of its life
2. I eat way too much or way too little
3. I don't feel like going out
4. I work way too much
5. I cancel appts or meetings with friends
6. I stop caring about my bills

Good news here is I am really only dealing with 1 and the potential for 4 exists but I am fighting it. So no, not depressed and my counseling sessions are also in accordance with that. But it was brief concern for me.

What they have shown however is that I am in a situation that can be very frustrating as well as being fulfilling. I am also in circumstances that require a lot of personal strength, something I am not very good at. I am the woman who will re-create herself for a man. To be the perfect person for the relationship I am in. And I have done that, albeit unsuccesfully, once with the same person. But now, no. In the immortal words of Popeye:

I yam who I yam

And it's paying off. Better than I thought.

So Finit.

Je suis Fatigue.

I am going to sleep now.

Decompression

I saw Harry Potter on Wednesday Night with my Voice Twin.

So, I won't ruin for those of you who haven't seen it.

About 2 hours into the film, the battery on my cellphone which was on vibrate went on low and it started to beep.

Thse days, in light of everything going on, I don't turn it off, I turn it down.

Being polite to the other movie-goers. I did turn it off though.

After the movie was over, We were walking to the cars and discussing the movie. I looked at moon. As I was doing so, I was turning my phone on and hearing the voicemail chirp.

I KNEW somehing was not as it should be. I knew when I looked at the moon, I had a tug at my subconscious and the pit of my stomach was feeling really hollow.... although I might have been hungry....

As we were saying goodnight, I turned to walk to the car and nearly walked into a sapling. You see? I'm already distracted I KNOW who the voice mail is from.

I check my voicemail after I get in the car, and I was right. it was my best friend.

I called him back and he tells me he is leaving there at 10 and is it OK if he comes over.

I told him it was fine. I came home, picked up a bit and prepped a drink for him.

He walked in a little after 10:30 annd wraps his arms aroung me in a bear hug that lasted a few minutes. He says into my hair, "Thanks for letting me come by so late"

I hand him his drink and we settle on opposte sides of the couch. Room for at least one other body between us. We put on Boogie Nights as I haven't seen it, and he says

" I need to be in a safe place to decompress a bit, is that OK?"
" Of Course it's fine. I"m on vacation this week, so it's not like I have anything to get up for in the morning." I say
" Oh that's right, I forgot! "

So we watch the movie, talking through it as we are prone to do. We discuss some very personal choices in our past, things like cigarettes, drugs, alcohol, that kind of thing. We talk about some our past loves. General things.

He is spending an awful lot of time finding excuses to touch me. He finally reaches over and takes my hand. We sit like that for awhile. Very comfortable.

By the end of the movie we are lying together on the couch. Just holding each other while we watch the next movie.

It wasn't sexual. It could have easily gone that route, but he was exhausted. And he just needed to hold someone and be held. Someone that he loves and trusts.

At 3AM, I got up to go to bed. I offered him to come in with me and he said he would be in shortly. At 4:30, I woke up, and found him out cold on the couch. I covered him up with a blanket and went back to bed.

I awoke aroung 6, he was still sleeping. I went back to bed. I woke at 7:45 and he had gotten up and left.

Please remember a few months ago when I mentioned that I can only look good next to the whore.

I also want you to think about this. I did, long and hard.

When you are in a situation like this, dying parent, spouse, sibling, grand parent etc, and you are directly involved with being a caretaker, you have a tendancy to rely on the person you love most in the world to be your entire support system.

So the question is:

Why come to me and not go to the whore?

Ah - you see?

I KNOW the answer.

So does he.

And so do you.

The Amusement Park

I love Amusement Parks.

I adore Roller Coasters. I am getting smarter about them though. I can't deal with them when they are too fast.

This started when the Great American Scream Machine first came out at Six Flags Great Adventure in NJ. I forgot what the year was.

I went on this ride without giving it a thought. When I got off, I threw up.

This is a big deal for me. First, because I LOVE Roller coasters and Second, Unless I have some hideous stomach virus, I rarely if ever throw up.

I couldn't figure out what went wrong. So I got back on line. This time I timed the roller coaster for the length of track.

Ah ha.

The damn thing was traveling too fast.

Fast forward to the Batman and Robin Ride at the same park. This one is a red car and a blue car that intertwine. They were running at less than a minute around the track including a backwards run.

I gave it try.

I didn't throw up, but there were a few dicey moments.

Lesson learned: Time the roller coaster vs the length of track and use those two rides as the benchmark ( both are still there in case you are curious).

This is kind of how my life has been until this month. A roller coaster that while I love it, makes me ill when the ride is over. The speed of change, the peaks and valleys. All of it.

This is how my emotions have been operating.

I LOVE Merry-go-rounds.

Growing up we had a local mini amusement park called Nunleys Carousel. It started out as just the carousel and a mini park sprung up around it. In fact my Uncle got married there with my dad and my brother and I, his 3 stepkids and 2 boys in attendance. This was their reception.

They Closed Nunley's when I was in college. But that didn't stop me from traveling to Syracuse to visit my room-mate and going on the Carousel at the new mall they built there. I have some of the best pictures of Maplemama, Jax and I on a Merry-go-round framed in my living room from one of visits. It was a really good time.

I had a favorite horse. It was black and it had Roses on it's bridle. I ALWAYS got that horse. I can still picture it. I had wanted to buy it at auction, but sadly I was a poor college student and was unable to even bid as the reserve was high. I heard recently that the entire thing was sold to one of the malls here... so perhaps I will ride the wild stallion with roses again some day.

What I love about the Merry-go-round is the fact that it is predictable. the horse goes up and down while the ride goes in a circle. If you are coordinated, you can stand up on the horse, walk around the merry-go-round while it's moving. It's restful, It reminds me of days gone by, when this was the ONLY ride ( before my lifetime for certain and my parents too). I picture women in big hats with parasols, riding side saddle trying to get the brass ring for the free ride. I love the music that's played. I can even hear it in my head now as I write this.

This is where my life is now.

I have removed myself from the nauseating roller coaster and put myself on the more soothing Carousel.

The question is - how long do I stay on it? Even for those who love this ride, eventually it gets boring and you want to get off.

So far that hasn't happened. I'm comforted at the fact that I am not dealing with the peaks and valleys and the rapid speed of change.

For now.

Words that drive my best friend crazy. I am fine with this situation for now. At some point that will change. To what I don't know.

My path is unclear. My priest had no ready answers. He expressed how proud of me he is. After one hour with him, he asked if it was OK if he offered up a prayer for me, my best friend and his dying brother. Half way through it he asked for help for me to see the path that I am on and what the lesson is and where it should go. I got choked up and at the end I looked at him and said that this was my problem. I can't see it for the life of me. He looked at me for a minute, and I had to jump in and say that I knew he had no answers or I would have high-tailed it down there months ago.

I don't know what the lesson supposed to be. I have no idea where or what my path is supposed to be.

Until I do, I'll coast on my favorite horse with the roses for awhile.

Vacation Day 1

The alarm went off and I looked out the window at the pouring rain and wished I could stay in bed.

We'll call that foreshadowing.

I hauled out of bed at 8:45 and got my juice and vitamins. I was just contemplating my shower when the phone rang. My priest had an unavoidable situation come up that would cut into my appointment. He asked if he could reschedule for tomorrow.

Hmmm - back to bed!!!!! YAY! I said yes, and hopped back into bed.

I was just getting comfortable cuddling into my pillows, when I suddenly missed my best friend. I wanted to be cuddling into him. And he liked to do that. So I was suddenly sad, but not overwhelmingly so. I dosed off.

I woke up and read, dosed off again, read some more. I finally dragged my butt out of bed at 1PM.

I tend to sleep a lot the first few days of my vacation. It's my decompression time. I used to think it was depression related, but after significant research, I realized that I tend to wake up at my regular time, then go back sleep when I know that I can. It's my body's way of decompressing. After a couple of days of this, I spring back into life and have more fun. I know that I need a vacation, when I start waking up later and later.

So my going back to bed doesn't concern me all that much. And I am tired enough to sleep right now, which that in itself is telling.

I did venture out though. I had lunch with my Voice Twin - or Linner since it was 4PM. We talked for awhile, it was fun and nice to be out.

Then I went on my round of students. I was on top of my game and things were going OK.

I am really fine without him. But when he calls, no matter what else is happening with us, my heart smiles.

So while I can live without him and I am OK wihtout him, I just don't want to be. When we are together, in good times and bad, I feel like the truest and best version of me. He doesn't judge it, he revels in it. And the same is true for him.

The thing that keeps coming back to me in my mind, If what he gets from me is unconditional love, and he comes to me for that and support for Alex and support for The Whore, what the hell is the Whore giving him?

(Besides that. get your mind out of gutter!)

So this ends Day 1 of my vacation.

Counseling Part 2

It's 11:31.

IT'S 11:31!!!!!

Holy crap. I'm supposed to be at a students house RIGHT NOW.

I jump out of bed and run to the phone.

"Hey I'm running behind today. If I get there in the next 15 minutes is that OK? "

After hearing yes, I jump into some clothes and run off to my students house. I'm not even sure what roads I took to get there.

The lesson was like pulling teeth with this kid in the beginning. I am sure that that I am 60% of t he problem, but the parents even agree she's been at little bit surly with me. Or with any adult for that matter.

I asked her what SHE thought was not going well. She told me she has trouble with her breathing. Too bad, we all go through it, I think to myself. Then I opened my mouth to speak and out came:

"How old were you when you started skating. ?" She answered 5 or 6.
"What would you say was the hardest move you had to learn" She answered her axel,
"HOw long did it take you to master it to where you were confident in it" She answerd 2-3 years.
"Learning how to control your breathing is lot like that axel. You can't run out and buy good breath support or a good axel, You can't order it off the internet. It's something that takes time. Time for your body to understand what you are asking it to do. Something you've never demanded of it before. Do you remember the day you mastered that axel?"

She smiled. She said yes.

"It's going to be like that when one day you sing this note for as long as it needs to e held and you don't even realize it but you've moved on with the song. Because it was right and it felt right. I don't let you use words in the beginning so you can get all the other stuff you need to think about down. When we add the words, it's usually a quick trip to the performance isn't it?"

She smiled again.

She didn't say anything. But I saw that smile again,

She got it.

I came home and put my PJ's on. All of a sudden I wanted to sit out by the pool. I put my suit on, got my book, my ipod and my water and sat outside till the sun moved to the west side of the building. The clouds kept moving in and around the sun.

At one point I looked up and I swear God was watching me back. I had the most benevolent feeling. Aside from the fact that this particular member of his flock as now strayed 4 weeks in a row, I was sort of surprised.

I asked him what on earth was he thinking? Why am I targeted for this heartbreak? This is not going to make me a better person, it's going to turn me into a freaking hermit, you know the crazy cat lady at the end of the street who's never married???? That's going to be me.

Naturally I didn't expect the sky to open it's cloud mouth and give me the answer. I returned to my reading.

I chose to make today a no thinking day. I read an entire James Patterson book cover to cover outside in the sun. I watched Grumpy Old Men and then Side Order of Life. Which has soem weird undertones that match up with my life in some weird ways.

I have my appointment tomorrow with my priest. I am going alone, my best friend is not invited. Though he wants to be badly. As much as I think he's genuinely interested in meeting this man, I think a portion of it stems more from his wanting to tell his "side" of things. I know that in this scenario if the roles were reversed, that's what I would be thinking and his self esteem is in worse shape than mine these days.

As was true the last time, I feel almost awkward about going to see my priest about this. I feel like I should be able to sort this through myself.

And I know I said it the last time. And yes, he helped me a bit then. So it stands to reason this should be helpful now, yes?

I can't organize what I think, what I feel, what was actually said vs. implied commentary. So this is going to be an interesting session to be sure.

Somewhere, someday this all needs to make sense.





But all of a sudden, she stopped resisting me and everything she did was just glorious. I mean shiningly so. So I grabbed an

Work-a-holic

Hi I am the Contessa and I am a recovering Workaholic.

I no longer need to attend support for this - truth be told I didn't really in the first place.

I just "got it".

I woke up one day and realized that I lost an entire decade of my life. And I was very sad about that.

It was a very important day for me, but I notice that the more pressure I get in my job, the more hours I put in.

The driving force in my work environment was fear.

I, as many were and are, was fearful that I would lose my job. We were and continue to downsize. I stopped counting how many RIF's I scraped through along with my limping team over the years.

The work increased and the personel decreased. I got to the point where I found myself in the emergency room with chest pains when I was 32 years old. I had worked at the company for 3 years. My eczema was so bad I was on Prednisone to combat it.

My team currently reports to a workaholic who has so much fear that he will lose his job that he takes it out on us. He works, supposeldy, 18 hours a day. I'm not entirely confident in that number because there are way to many day time hours where he is MIA.

Be that as it may, his fear has turned our work environment into a hostile workplace.

It is after midnight on a Saturday. I have just completed 3 hours of work on my vacation. I put in 5 last night. I did it so that my backup isn't looking to commit hary cary by the weeks end. My team has no idea what I do all day. But for the past week, I have put in roughly 3-4 hours in the evening after an 8 hour day, plus 4 hours today and four hours tomorrow just setting up and making sure that the bare basics are accomodated. Basically, I worked a 30 hour week on top of 40 hour week, so I can have 40 hours off next week.

I found that the extra hours of work were really helpful to get my mind off the other situations in my life. Or just the primary one. And I think how easy it would be to use my job as the security to help pull me out of it.

But using the job this way is kind of like taking an oral steroid. All it does is mask the problems so that your body can heal.

Which is a good thing, but not for someone who has workaholic tendancies buried in the fiber of her being. It's a quick slope down hill back into that world. And I am not going back. I WILL NOT.

So while working takes my mind away from the situations that plague me, it is not the firm answer long term. If I allow work to take over my brain so that I don't deal with the pain and grieving and all that crap, I will never get over it. I will just tuck it away somewhere where no one can see it and hope that the light of day doesn't shine on it again.

This is more than just the metaphor in my life as I am taking topical steroids to combat the stress related eczema that has flared up. I refuse to go back on the oral steroids as much as I will refuse to be a workaholic. The stress is both job related and personal life. One or the other wouldn't have done it, both, most definitely.

I am fortunate that I have so many treatments in the house that there is no need to fill more. I was able to start immediately.

As for my work, I will put my orders in tomorrow in the evening and then that is it. I will have done all I can do.

I am ON VACATION.

Don't give up on us

Well - there's no US. Certainly not the way it was at any rate. But....

The man is like a beacon.

The minute I make my peace to try and move forward without him.... the inevitable phone call comes.

I was just working on my coverage for next week when I am not working. I have a lot to line up for the next week and 1 and a half days to do it in.


The phone rang and I didn't even look at it. I knew. I KNEW. I just knew who was on the other end.


I picked it up, and after we exchanged greetings, he said:


"In response to your email this morning. Me too. I'm sorry we argued, I'm sorry I'm such a pain in the ass".


My apology was made for one reason only. Well two. I don't like to fight with people and leave it unresolved. If the resolution is that we never see or speak to each other, fine that's the resolution. But to leave a fight in the middle like that, I can't make peace with it.

Though it got easier as the hours passed. Strangely. Though as my post that day clearly shows, irritation and all that goes with that....

My apology was only that we argued. I apologized for fighting. I apologized for being a pain in the ass. Not for the content though. The content was more of the same and I won't apologize because of how I feel. Ever. Not to anyone.


He asked if he could come by. I said yes. So he came by. The first thing he did, was hug me and apologize again for the fighting.


He was here for about an hour. He drank his Vodka, I drank my water. We had perfectly reasonable conversation. We researched some Hospice care. we talked about the time table for it. We talked about other things unrelated to that, just general talk about us and our lives before we "officially" met. He hugged me and kissed me as he left and said "No more fighting for us. "

This is a man who doesn't believe in apology. Even when he knows he's screwed up. I have personally only heard him apologize to me one other time. I get a lot of excuses.... but generally speaking he doesn't apologize to anyone. And no, I don't consider myself blessed that he did it. And no, I don't consider myself special because of it. But it's effort.

It's actually easier to just walk away from the whole thing. But I am not really ready to say "I have done all I can do hear and this chapter in my life is over". There is some reason that I was put here to be in this situation. I have no FREAKING clue what it is. But I do know it involves me standing to him and standing up to myself.

It's getting much easier to do that,

The problem is, Whem I asked him why on earth he is holding onto me, why does he need me in his life, what is so important about me? He told me he gets something from me he gets nowhere else in the world.

He danced around it but in the end it was unconditional love. Love is what keeps bringing him back.

I do not get men. seriously.

On a secondary note, I spoke with Drew this afternoon . PHone tag for months. It's amazing how much time goes by, and it's like nothing. He asked what was wrong, I just matter of factly told him and he matter of factly gave me his opinion. We talked about Mark. A lot. A lot a lot.

I feel OK. MIgraine's are letting up and B/P is steady but on the higher side. Not alarmingly just slightly higher than normal. That will stabilize after this week. It's my vacation this week and I have plans to sit in the sun, read my books, and do absolutely nothing.

The perfect vacation.

Irritation and tension

I am ridiculously iritable lately. The mundane normal things that I used to accommodate with grace, are now met with sharp remarks or no comment at all.


My housekeeper came today. I did nothing to even pick up the house for her. Not my normal behaviour, not by a long shot. But last night did not go well for me in any capacity. I really don't want itemize it again because my best friend and I just did a rerun of the what happened 18 days ago.


Only this time - I think it is truly over. Everything.


I awoke in the wee hours with a migraine. It's the second one in two weeks. So I saw the doc today and my B/P was high ( he called it "situational" and I need to monitor it twice a day. He prescribed imitrex for the migraines. And he very kindly told me that I was too young for this kind of stress and grief and I needed to relax.


He meant well, I'm not angry at him.


Upon my housekeeper arriving to my less than picked up house, she first discovered that I had accidentally threw out her rags and there I was, digging through my garbage for her cleaning rags. She was chastising me for throwing them out. Ordinarily I would just play along, today I snapped. I said nothing but walked out of the room as she asked me where my brain was. What I would have said was, don't leave them on top of the freaking garbage can lid, they must have slipped in! But I walked away.


I am busy working, on the call from hell. She asks me to come to the kitchen. I walk in and hse has lined up tupperware on the counter. She then proceeds to chastise me for all the wasted food that is sitting there. This time, I told her to throw it all out and I start to get chokey from holding back my actual thoughts. She's just kidding with me and I realize that, but this is not the day. I finish the call from hell, change my clothes and head out to the bank so I can get the cash to pay her. I call my best girl friend and we talk a bit, she had made a beautiful piece of jewelery so I went to her house to pay her ad pick it up.

So my 10 minute trip turned into a one hour trip.

A phrase from one of those phenomenal women email forwards stuck in my head as I pulled into her driveway.

"A woman needs to..... know where to go when her soul needs soothing be it a quiet inn in the country or best friends kitchen table. "

And that's where I ended up. Her kitchen table and she fed me ( and herself) because neither of us ate.

What's happening now, is that I am shoving the pain and memory of all of it into the pocket that it was in to start with from 7 years ago.

But it leaks out in different forms. Now I notice major tension in my jaw. My skin is starting to fail, despite my increased efforts. And I still cry, but at situational things, a book, a movie. It's just more than would have been normal. I jump at small noises. And I hear crazy noises in the dark when I am trying to sleep.

I am trying to keep my life activities the same as it was before him. All the activities that I once enjoyed, all the work I was doing. The only problem is that he won't be a part of it. And that is weird.

I can't take it anymore. I am too young to feel this mentally and emotionally exhausted and drained. I'm tired of living like this. Love for me, is always associated with pain. Romantic love that is. Which is different from Loev. So being done with it forever really seems like a great plan.

I'm tired of it all. I want out and I want to be done. But when I am done with something, truly done - there is NO GOING BACK. So his decision is helping me make mine. There's a lot of truth in the old saying "Be Careful what you wish for". Because his wish will come true.

Moving forward while leaving a major part of your life behind is incredibly hard and requires incredible bravery. Something I don't think I have. Bravery is not something you can run out and buy, or just "learn". So I start with a major disadvantage.

I have a meeting with Fr Chris on Monday. He's told me how proud he is that I have done these things. I don't feel proud of me. OK 10 %. But mostly what I feel is pain. Pain for me and pain for him. If I were in his shoes, I wouldn't be really thrilled with me right now. In his darkest hours I made the situation about me.

There I go again, thinking about him and not about me. I need to change that.

I need a lot of change.

And I haven't the first freaking clue how to do it.

An original poem

In the darkest part of my heart
Lives a small bright corner
It is in this corner that I keep the love I feel apart

In the darkest parts of my soul
Lives a small bright spark
It is this spark that keeps my love for you whole

In the darkest parts of my being
lives a small piece of me that is not in hell
It is in this hell that I hold onto that piece of me for dear life

In the dark places of my soul, heart and being
Lives the love that I feel for you and you alone
A love that only time will slow down for

My soul, heart and being are dark now - even the small places and sparks
The darkness sets in as I try release you from my life

So I can see the light again.

The Contessa - July 2007

A revelation

This may appear repetitive and it may be obvious to everyone else, but I had a revelation while having my evening bath.

I decided to have a hot bath earlier than normal and put all my salts and oils and herbs in. grabbed my ipod and my book and had a nice 45 minute long soak.


I was reading and not paying a lot of attention to my thoughts that were sitting in the back waiting for me to break my focus.


I was contacted by a friend of mine the other day. He has feelings for me... of some sort. I suspect they lend themselves more to the physical. The situation is not ever going to work for me and is inappropriate because he is married. This scenario does not interest me in the slightest. In any way. We are friends and have worked together a long time.


Due to recent events, I have started being nicer to him when he contacts me. Because no matter what, he is a nice man who is confused. His problems are not my problems and I refuse to adopt them. However, I have no reason to be mean and short with him. As long as he keeps the conversation on the up and up, there is no reason that I shouldn't be civil to him.

This occurred to me because my best friend has admitted to treating me in a less than stellar fashion for the past number of years in order to make me NOT love him. For all the good THAT did.


Here's where the other half of the revelation happened: The fact is, my best friend is the one for me. I know this as surely as spring follows winter and the sun rises in the east. He's in my blood like Holy wine... so bitter and so sweet.

The thing of it is, through his own admission.... I'm in his too. Our connection, the one that will be there for the rest of our lives - it's the same thing. We have an intimacy that surpasses friendship. It's a very special relationship. And though he needs so much help right now, in so many ways, I don't think I could truly walk away without a backwards glance at this point. I could never stand to watch someone I love twist in pain in the wind. Especially not when they so specifically ask for help. Help I am more than capable of giving.

We are bound together in some cosmic way.

And because I know these things now, I am a little bit more at peace. We have so much work that needs to be done on our friendship to get to a place where we can both be happy and at peace with it. That may go one to be another kind of relationship, or it may not.

Only time will tell.

Other Men's Cross are not my own

I woke up this morning, and a wave of sadness rushed over me like tsunami. I went back to bed and woke up at 1PM. I had been dreaming about Rod.

When I was about 20 years old, Rod, gave me some very important advice regarding a boyfriend I had who had a drinking problem.

He said "Contessa, your shoulders are only this wide" Gesturing the distance from one of my shoulders to the other.

"You can't carry your own cross and other people's full time. You can give them relief from time to time and if they love you, they will give you relief from time to time. "

"What my mother, Nellie, used to say is, Other men's crosses are not my crosses."

I thought of that this morning. His 58th birthday would have been yesterday had he lived. We lost him last year to an accident resulting from the pain of the cancer that would ultimately get him.

Other men's crosses are not my crosses.

Do not get the idea that I have adopted my best friends issues as my own. I have not. I am, however, in the position to do the things that need doing on the research end that can help him and his family while they are still actively caring for his dying brother.

I had to decline learning how to feed him. It just was in so many ways the wrong thing to do. Though I love him, if something happened to his brother under my watch, I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else to help relieve the pressure.

So this is my choice. I called upon receipt of the desperation email that he sent and offered to assist in this way. And that was accepted.

So while it is someone Else's cross, I am carrying it for now. Because I love him and because I think his family needs relief. I know what this feels like. I was there with my dad. And I only carried the responsibility for 4 hours a day when he was home and all hospital trips were split between my stepmom and I. With that little bit, I was able to carry on for 7 years, with moving from one county to another to be closer, taking a job with the understanding that I would have to leave by a certain time to be home for my shift.

Given the fact that my dad has been gone now 4 years in June, I realize that I still have 3 years to go before I am out of that situation as long as I was in it.

It's ironic. The day my dad died, I stood on the scale and realized that it was at a number that I wasn't happy with, but my clothing still fit.

I remember the day of the wake. The family went out to eat at the diner across the street from the funeral home. I ate like I had never seen food before. And didn't care. After the last person left the funeral home that night, I went out with the family again, and ate like I had never seen food before.

I gained 42 pounds in the 4 years after my dad died. 42 lbs sitting in WW meetings week after week. I can only imagine how much more that number would be if I hadn't been sitting there.

But, I lost 18 of that. Actually its close to 20 now. I only have 22 to go to get back to where I was 4 years ago.

It's funny, I picked up someone Else's cross and carried it, while working, hard, on my own.


I'm not upset about my decisions here. I made them, intelligently, and I didn't do it with any ulterior motives. I did this for someone I care about, because he asked for help. Being a person who doesn't often ask for help, and loving someone who is exactly like that himself, when it is asked for, it's usually way past the point where it will be easy. And it's not. But it is something that I am good at and capable of doing. I have the right people in place, the right information available and I am putting the files together to make this task easier on the family.


When my dad died, I didn't know what I needed. He showed up at my door with Chinese food and a six pack of beer for him and my favorite wine for me. He slept on the couch. The next night, another friend who was not going to be up here for the funeral, showed up with dinner and took all calls for me. Another friend, showed up one night with the biggest frozen yogurt she could muster up and stayed with me that night.


These people, these very same people are the people that his email was addressed to. I had dinner last night with with the friend who brought the yogurt and her mom. This dinner served a couple of things. I haven't seen her mom in awhile, so that was nice. I needed to be with this friend. She is the one who has my dad hanging around her aura. It got me out of the house AND Her mom is one of those formidable people who knows everyone in the town. She is going to be an asset here. I am already in discussions about jobs for him with her.


In times of trial, these people picked up my cross and carried it. They got me through the funeral and kept me busy and occupied for months afterwards.


That's love. That's what love is too.

Love is touching souls

Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constant in the darkness
Wheres that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar

Just before our love got lost assumes that it will be found again. The universe is a funny thing. There is a school of thought that says that each person has a missing half - their soul mate. The person that completes them. So if you " lose your love" one time it's probably safe to assume that person isn't your soul mate. But if it comes up a second time, wouldn't the universe be trying to tell you something? Should we not be paying attention here?

On the back of a cartoon coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
And your face sketched on it twice

And it wasn't Canada. it was the united states, drawn freehand with almost each state correctly placed and shaped including capitals. I was 10 and I was at party. A party of my dad's after one of his shows. For his students. My best friend was the choreographer for the show. He took the drawing with him.

No, he doesn't still have it. But it was the only thing I ever drew that was, well, obvious, but it was also REALLY good. My dad was shocked. Drawing was never my thing.

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I'd still be on my feet

I love the imagery in the chorus of this song. He is in my blood, my heart and my soul. The good AND the bad. My best friend. And the idea of a world without him in it is so unbelievably surreal. And yet, it nearly came to pass. My choosing not to see him or be in touch with him was largely assuming that he would just refrain from calling me on the phone or sending email. What I was not anticipating was the mortality of either of us. So his seriously considering ending his life over his family situation still has me reeling.

He is not a stupid man. He knows that solutions to this problem exist and he had to be pushed to the point that he is at to ask for help. But he did. He asked.

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Because he did ask me for help, I can't deny him. Love is touching souls. Our souls are touching even if there is fear in the way. And every time I cry or every time I sing, a part of me and a part of him pours forth. I sang today at my lesson and all the stress and emotion that I have been dealing with came pouring out in music I was just sight reading. My coach was stunned. So was I for that matter. But it's an artistic outlet much like the painter reference in this song.

Oh you are in my blood like holy wine
And you taste so bitter but you taste so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you
I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
And still be on my feet

I can't even imagine myself with another person. If I'm being honest with myself, I never did. I never saw myself with anyone else and because he didn't want me all those years ago, for good reasons, I just assumed would date guys,. have relationships with them, but ultimately end up alone. And you know what? I was OK with that. A friend of the family once told me right after I graduated from college, that I shouldn't just settle. So I didn't.

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Color go to him, stay with him if you can
Oh but be prepared to bleed

This is the voice in my soul. This voice, which I never heard before now, is saying, stay with him,, stay near him during this time of tragedy for him, don't abandon him. This voice is the woman. This voice has a mouth like his and knows his devils ad his deeds. It's the voice of twin souls fused together at the helm for some cosmic reason.

Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
Oh and you taste so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I'd still be on my feet

I don't understand the connection that keeps drawing us back together. For any reason, as friends, as lovers, as both. But I do know that a world without him in it, is no world that I want to live in. I would, but I would be miserable. He would be the same. His exact words were "Never seeing you again? Not speaking to you again? It's not acceptable to me. I can't live like that".

It's a very trying time. As of now, we have passed out of the danger zone, and while there is no firm plan in place as yet, we have a lot of information in front of us to start weeding through and making some educated decisions on the welfare of his family and himself so he can start healing.

Then we can start healing.


Lyrics to "A Case of you" by Joni Mitchell

Opening Night

Tonight is opening night for my college Room-mates show. It's the first one she's been in in roughly 15 years. She has the lead.

None of us were surprised. She is a wildly talented and amazing person. She blows me away in the talent department. I couldn't have pulled off a lead after a 15 year hiatus. I study heavily n now and couldn't pull it off.

I am so incredibly proud of her. She has spent this last year re-discovering herself. It's really amazing to see the girl that I knew FINALLY allowed morph into the woman she should have become.

I sent her flowers to celebrate opening night. We had a really awesome chat for an hour or so. I haven't been able to talk to her because of the demanding rehearsal schedule of this show. It's just been crazy.

So we chatted today. We talked about some funny things that happenedd in her life, we talked about the show and what the critics will think. I have someone going to it in my place as I am too far away to make the trip. I wish I could have though. What a great come back - the lead in this show!

We talked a bit about what's happening in my life. She doesn't care for this man too much and i don't blame her because all she has heard lately is bad and negative. Which unfortunately is what all of you have been hearing. But we talked about it and she understands where I am coming from but she tested me.

She asked me if I would marry him if he asked right now.

I said not if he wanted to get married right away. The answer to that is no. But if he wanted to get engaged and get counseling??? yes.

She told me I passed. Which was good. because I didnt' study!!!!!

Ahhhh - it's college all over again!!!!! I didn't study!!!

But it was so good to even do gmail chat with her. When we signed off, I cried a bit. I admit it. I just miss her. Especially now. When I need her and when she is doing something really huge like this!

But I want to offer my congratulations to her - again. I'm so proud of her for doing this! Its really huge and I'm glad she's getting her life back!!!!

A day long overdue

I was going through my day fairly normally.

leader started off this morning with 42 minutes and 6 seconds of idiocy. I hadn't even had coffee yet. And there's nothing like the project manager on the call with you, wishing like hell she hadn't bridged you up.

All we did was talk numbers and have an elementary math lesson while he tried to figure out where the bottleneck was. Now I, along with my PM, tried to shorten this exercise by TELLING him where it was, but he does not listen, loves to lecture, and holds us hostage till he finds his answer.

Annoyed ? yes. Earth shattering? eh - not so much. But I have to be honest here, this is the thing that drives my team bananas. And my poor PM is learning the hard way that don't bridge him up with ANYONE if you can help it.

So I was working through a lot of issues and realized that I was sitting in the wrong outlook profile for the better part of a hour and did a mental headslap. Duh. No wonder I wasn't getting any work email!

Boy was I sorry I switched.

I logged in, joined my 1:30 PM conference call, and started to catch up on the email that I had neglected inadvertently.

The first one I saw was from my best friend. It was pretty bad. He is so far down deep in the depression related to being the primary caregiver to his brother, that he was actually talking about some pretty permanent solutions.

I started to cry that he hurts this bad, but worse, none of it was news to me.

I called him, he called me back literally within seconds of seeing the call come through. We talked for about 15 minutes and I gave him the ready solutions that I have had for awhile. He just needed to be receptive and he wasn't nor was his family.

He told me who he addressed that email to. I gathered that the Whore wasn't on it, but he wasn't that specific.

He gave his schedule through Sunday and I have asked him to make some time for him and come over here so we can research getting his education resumed via the military and jobs and such. He can't wait to do this, he sounded better at the end of that call then I have heard him in 10 days,.

I called a friend who had mentioned a hospice that relates to the terminal disease his brother has and asked her to get me as much information as she could. She totally rocks and she delivered it to my door about a hour ago.

Further motivated I checked the Civil Service exams being given in our county.

I am compiling a list of questions that we need to get answered to move forward with a lot of this.

Then another friend who received the email called, obviously upset and a bit out of the loop. I filled her in and we talked about it. Both us got choked up at the tone of the email and she's traveling right now. She has offered her mom's assistance ( the woman is scary. 85 years old and she knows LITERALLY everyone in town. All we have to do is give her the specs and she will find him a job ). I told her that he's going to come over at some point by Monday or Tuesday and we will sit down and work out the details of the plan and start executing them point by point.

He was so relieved that I had ready info for him. But I knew this day was coming, and try as I might to head it off, if the family wasn't ready to hear the info about hospice, it would only aggravate them further and that isn't right either.

This is another stressor in the saga, but honestly, I think this is why my dad was attached to my friend. She's the one who called me as she received the email. My stepmom said that today and I was surprised. She thought for sure it was about her.... ( no one else did. just her) initially. I knew it had to do with me and I was reasonably confident that it was about this situation I am in with this man.

I can't explain this, but he was so relieved that I called. When I picked up the phone, he was tense and I was quiet. ( For those of you who know me, no commentary please). I said

"I got your email. We are going to get you through this. I have the name of a hospice that supports terminal illness. It's time. He needs to be there. It's better for him and better for you and you family."

It was met with silence. I suspect he was choked up a little. Then he said, quietly

"You and I have talked about everything in that email already. it's not new information to you. But I sent it to my family, mutual friend upstate and one or two other trusted friends including landlady. I need to make time for me now. I can't fix this. It's TERMINAL"

I responded to him, calmly, certainly more calmly than I felt

"We are going to get you through this. I know the director at the library, we can get you signed up for some of the basic utility civil service jobs that will give you a paycheck while you go back to school and get your training or degree. You need to make some time for you to come over here and lets make the plan and look at the options. I have a bottle of Vodka with your name on it so martinis ca be made. "

"You can't know how good that sounds. Here's my schedule through Monday. I'll call you and we'll sort this out"

I hung up. I cried stress tears only. It's a lot of stress to be this close to someone a few years older than me that is terminal.

I can't watch someone I love in so much pain that he was seriously considering a solution so permanent it helps no one. I couldn't let this go when I have some solutions readily at hand. It's not my personal battle, though in a sense it is. it's been a long road with this illness. I have been there from the beginning. This day was inevitable.

I'm just sorry that our own issues interfered with it or were interfered with before we settled it. This might settle it either way. We'll see.

I have no regrets about this choice and this decision. I'm doing something that's good and altruistic. It's helping someone that I love get their bearings in place. I can't knowingly let someone hurting so badly, flail in the wind.

And I would do it for any of you too...

The upside of misery

I'm not miserable one hundred percent of the time.

I would suffice it to say I am probably nont even miserable seventh-five percent of the time.

But when it hits, it hits hard.

The upside of all of this is, though I ordered the largest size coldstone makes last night for dinner, I didn't finish even half. Even picking at it at ten PM last night.

And somehow or another, still managed another 1.2 lbs down.

I was reading some of my own work last night, and was actually kind of impressed with The Garden. That was really decent writing. And I love that song. So I bought it and the overture to Candide last night on Itunes. I wish there was a way to play the song in Blogger while you are reading the post. It's the absolute coolest thing. That's what I did, I put it on my IPOD and read the post. It really was neat to have the music going while you are reading the words and the insight.


The upside to all this introspection and licking of wounds is, I suppose that since this hasn't killed me, it should make me stronger, right?


Or my favorite, God doesn't give you more than he thinks you can handle. Not as convinced here. But the jury is out for now.


I slept fine and had a migraine in the wee small hours of the morning. It's gone to a degree now. I am drinking a lot of coffee to help keep it gone.


I was whining yesterday. I know this. I admit and acknowledge it. Expect more since the situation is at a standstill for awhile.


A colleague of mine said something similar happened to her. And her response was really interesting. While on paper it looks like I have "more" than he does, what I get from him is as important as all that other stuff. I don't neccessarily need to be on equal footing with my partner in the possessions and finance stuff, just in the emotional and love stuff.


And he does give me that. And I give him that. That's what makes us, well, us. That's the good stuff, the stuff that sends my heart swirling no matter how long we are together, days, months, years.

The one thing that kind of worries me is when things are at a standstill, people can get comfortable with status quo. I am the one who put it on hold and I reserve the right to remove it from hold once I sense that the situation with his brother is under control.

I'm back to the dull ache from the hole in my heart. No tears today. Not even one.

I can't say I"m better, but I can say that I am trying to manage. One must crawl before one cann walk.

Waterworks

Yes that's right. The tears have started. Again.

Frankly, I don't understand it. Any of it. I shouldn't be crying anymore.

And I shouldn't "Should" myself as my very first WW leader would say.

Everything makes me cry. Literally everything.

I mean, what the HELL was God thinking here? What's the entire purpose of this exercize? To prove that I can feel pain? Good JOB MISSION FUCKING ACCOMPLISHED! What Else to prove that I still love him? DUH!!!!!!! To bring back to me in the capacity that he did only to be treated badly? Are you KIDDING ME????? This is freaking absurd!!! If this is the message, somebody majorly screwed up here. No one and I mean no one, should have to feel the kind of pain that I am in right now. And to be in a situation like I am in ???? Just freaking shoot me. It will hurt a lot less.

For example. Home. Working. half paying attention to the TV. I think the show on may have The Reba show. All I remember hearing was "I think I did make mistake in leaving you" and I disolved into tears. I don't know the circumstances, I wasn't following the story line, that one independent line and I was done.

I got an email today. From one my girlfriends. YOu know the ones... tell your friends you love them because you don't know if you will not get the chance blah blag blah. Done.

MOre tears.

Pictures from the birthday from hell came in. Done. Tears.

Heard some discussion about soul mates on some other show. I can't even tell you what show it was or the context. Done. tears.

I gave up on TV by this time. I grabbed my hand bag and went to the pharmacy to pick my prescription. I picked up the wrapping paraphenalia for his birthday gift. I decided to look at cards. What on EARTH went through my mind. I picked up the first card. I should have bought that one in retrospect and may go back with a clearer head. I through it back at the rack and perused the freezer section for ice cream.

I cried in the car - in silence - no music even to bring it on. Hell I am having the breakdowns now just based on my thoughts??? great.

I leak tears at any given moment.

I ate Coldstone for dinner. I didn't even enjoy it that much. 3/4 of it is still in the freezer. I haven't been off the couch since 6:30.

I just want my life back less the drama. I want HIM back less the drama.

This SUCKs.

and the best part, do you know what the best part of all this is????? I am doing this alone. almost exclusively. With the exception of the readership of my blog, it's only me here in person.

I am not good at asking for help, so when I do and it's turned down, I don't put up a fuss or fight, I just retreat to the corner and lick my wounds.

I'm in the corner if anyone needs me.

I'm firing my screenwriter

There comes a time when we have to say goodbye to people that work for us.

Such a time has come for my screen writer.

This magical person, who has written a great number of episodes in my life has put me on a bad path as acting goes. The only acting role worse than this is being in a coma or playing a corpse.

You see, my character has so much potential and so many good story lines to flesh out, and yet, this screenwriter of mine, apparantly finds humor in making The Contessa's love life, tragic.

This is a story line that has a happy ending in sight. Yet does the screenwriter write it that way? no. Why? A really bad sense of humor, that's why.

So screenwriter needs to get fired.

I need to hire a new screenwriter who will write the chapters and scenes in such away that I am not constantly under the emotional stress that screenwriter A continues to write for me.

By Firing my ficitious screenwriter that gives me the option of hiring a new one ( fictitious of course) or writing the scenes myself.

Here's the problem with writing me own stuff.

I am my own screenwriter. So I am really firing myself.

Huh. What to think about that one.

Hmmm.

In order to think about this and really sort it out, I Went to see makeup artist. I had Microdermabrasion done ( lovin that!) and bought a kit to do in the house. In three short days, my face looks amazing. And the skin was pretty good to start with! Then she put on some different eyemakeup - I bought one of the colors and the eyeliner. Then we played with lips, I bought a new lip color that I love. So I got my new skin care and some fun makeup for myself.

After that, I returned to my home and went next door to see neighbors new kitchen. He's my costume designer (or one of), and approved of my new sarong skirt. I have a real one that I bought last summer and didn't get to wear it due to the weather change. It's gorgeous. All shades of Blues. I had on a blue tank top with satin trim. It was lovely... Hair piled high on my head.

Then we ended up chatting with neighbor number 2.

I told Costume Designer that I was firing screen writer. He laughed. He thinks I should fire screenwriter too!

You see the basic problem with Screenwriter is Screenwriter belabors the point. OK. We're perfect together, OK we've tried this once, broken up, stayed friends, gotten together again and broken up. Are you freaking kidding me? can we cut through the 4 seasons of he said she said, dating others, jealousy, etc and just cut to the chase and get married?

This is why the Screenwriter has to go. The drama. I need that gone. So. Exit current screenwriter and enter new screenwriter.

Oh yeah.

The old screenwriter is me and the new one is still me. I'm just trying to creatively change the scripting so that there is less drama but I get fulfilling scenes that make me happy in the long run.

And I haven't a clue how to do it!

Moments of good

I have spent a lot of time writing about the things that are wrong and not working in my "whatever we call it now" relationship.

But, as is typical of human nature, we tend to focus on the bad and less on the good. You know the saying "Good news travels fast, Bad news travels faster"? The same is true when you hear about relationships.

Generally when things are good solid and working, unless it's brand new, you don't really hear about it. Why ? Because things are good and working and little to no additional stress or effort needs to be expended.

So it's natural that the last couple of weeks of posts have been on the negative side. Because we broke off the relationship. A lot of information that wasn't presently out there, was shared between us. And temporarily we have just put the whole thing on hold pending the outcome of his brother's immediate health challenge.

I received some good and interesting advice from a first time reader/commenter last week. I really liked his comment and perspective and it resonated with me so much that I can still recount what he said without looking it up. But for the moment I will past it in properly so as not to misquote.

In response to my post titled "The reprieve is over", I received the following comment:

"You're right C. but you have to be very sure of who you are now and who you are likely to be in your futures. Humanity needs clear minded tough cookies to love our misfits back into functionality. But is a thankless task and rarely gets positive results. If he wants to be proved unloveable maybe he has the right to choose that path. Do what will make you happiest with your life. Bon chance,"

I keep thinking about this. He does have the right to choose the path he is on. The only thing I feel differently about is that I don't think he has actually, intellectually made that choice. Based on all our discussions over the years, he reacts first and thinks second. He didn't used to be this way. When I was about 6 years old, He actually thought through a plan of action for his life that would have put both of us on very different paths today. He wanted to marry the woman he'd been seeing and set up a future for them both. He made a choice that would enable that plan to work out, only he failed to implement it properly so things didn't work out the way he wanted them to. Great plan but poorly executed. The woman broke up with him, though the three of us are great friends today. And he never really recovered from this. So instead of planning out his life, creating a future and executing the plan with the wisdom that comes with age, he reacts to the curve balls and than later, reviews things and gets depressed about how things are shaping up.

Again the psychologist in my comes out and says, "he refuses to plan because the plan always backfires and he pays for it". and then the logical person says, "learn how to plan idiot!".

The thing of it is, he is afraid of a relationship with me because he is afraid that he will be using me for security. While that may be a benefit, I certainly don't believe that is the only reason for the relationship.

For all the bad things that have happened and all the information that I have had thrown at me in really 2 weeks, it occurred to me that I was only focusing on the things that were bad. If it were all bad, I wouldn't have stuck it out this long. The situation, as I see it, is that I keep talking about the bad stuff, but please remember there are so many good things in him and in us together. The time we spend together is always good. I will try to make sure that I am adding the good stuff too. The roller coaster that we have been on has had equal hills and valleys.

Loving him means loving all of him, even the bad. But it does NOT mean accepting bad behaviour. He no longer has the option of bad behaviour and my excusing it. And while the duration has only been a week and half, the behaviour has improved. We'll see how the future unfolds.

This is going to sound incredibly corny. And it is. It truly is. But in April, when he came to me that Maundy Thursday, I looked in his eyes and I think my heart beat truly for the first time. So this while thing is terribly difficult for me.

And while we are sorting this out, I will continue to miss him terribly.

Women who need to go away to "think"

I have noticed that when I need to seriously sort out my life, I need to be far away from the day to day world that I live in.

Most times I pack my bags and go someplace. I once timed it perfectly so that I was sorting my life out IN Paris, Amsterdam and Brussells. I got a lot sorted out on the other side of the pond. All the things that were bothering me, didn't, so I was able to see what I needed to change. And in such a gorgeous place! But I do feel I missed a lot as I was absorbed with some major issues.

Some people tend to make fun of women who need to "get away" to sort things out. They don't understand that sometimes removing oneself from the day to day makes it easier to step back and look at the things that aren't working and create a plan with which to adjust and move forward.

It's really just a perspective thing. When you change the "view" of your life, it's easier to make the changes necessary. Think of Robin Williams with his Carpe Diem statement.... He made all those boys stand on the desk, view the room and then jump off. Everyone thought he was nuts but it changed the perspective of the room and new information was able to be seen and absorbed.

I've always done this. Even as a child I would take breaks from reality and visit my own little world in my head. As I got older, the divorce forced me to be in different places so the perspective was different evert 2 weeks. And summers.

I am at a disadvantage this time. I cannot take the amount of time needed to go someplace and sort things out. My job simply can't tolerate it right now. We are down people due to other vacations and the timing on my project is poor. It would be highly irresponsible of me to put ME first in this area.

Having done the unthinkable for me, I am even more surprised that I was able to do it without taking a trip somewhere, even for a day, to sort out and review the situation far away from the day to day. I should have though. THough I have no idea where I want to be either. I can go back Paris, but who wants to be in the city of Lights when you are heart is dark? Italy would depress me, The Carribean sounds wonderful but it's hurricane season. I can't afford Fire Island for more than a day trip, although the idea of sitting on a beach all day and then drinking at Flynns to the reggae band sounds like a hell of an idea. And I wouldn't be the first person to sleep on the beach when I missed the ferry back to mainland.

The fact is I retreated to my favorite childhood haunt. My head. From that safe place, I was able to make the decision that was most difficult for me. I am still not entirely secure with it and lets face it, it's far from over at this point.

I firmly believe that to get your bearings straight in order to make plans for your future, getting away from your past and present will help present them in a specific relief that helps you make more accurate and better decisions.

I was always the kid that thought I could fly. I was the kid who expected to grow up and be a princess. I was always a little bit dramatic and was called Sarah Heartburn by my mom throughout my life. The reality is, I am all those things. I may not be a princess, but I am a Contessa, I am dramatic and I am hiding behind my Dolce and Gabbana Sunglasses and a big floppy hat right now.

I am Rachel in "friends" and Grace in Will and Grace. When Grace breaks up with Nathan ( Woody Harrelson), she takes to her bed. She refuse to get up and when she does she brings the bed with her. At some point, she finds the slides of her childhood and makes Rosario watch them with her "Ro Ro where are you goin?" " I'm going out for some popsecret - I like a snack when I see a slide show."

I realized on the drive to my mom's on Wednesday that I was doing all of those things. I am more or less wearing the bed. I sleep all the time and on the drive to my moms, I drove through the development we grew up in ( the house was raised a number of years ago in order to BUILD the development but parts of the estate are still there), I then drove down the road that my best childhood friend grew up on ( her house is now pink - we just won't go there) and passed by Mark's house ( It looks EXACTLY the same) before turning the corner to my mom's condo. Each stop, or pause, brought memories flooding back about how much fun we had. The stupid things we all did. The laughs, the tears - all of it.

That was the review of my past.

I spoke to one of my best girlfriends today. She felt the pull to call me. She had had her aura read this week. There was a spirit attached to her, a mentor, with piano and keyboards, who passed on in the last 5 years. It was my dad. And she felt this urge to call me. We don't talk on the phone a lot, but even more rarely when we re both at home. She woke me up, and I wanted to wake up and talk to her.

We talked about the aura. I told her about all the psychic stuff that's been happening to me the last two weeks. It all seems related. It's like my dad is coming to me through her. Which means I must be ignoring his signs.... whatever they are.

That's the review of the future.

I told her the public stuff that's been going on with my best friend. She doesn't know the private. It's private. But, She does know that something is wrong. Something isn't well with me. She's right of course, but I can't tell her. I can't afford history to repeat itself.

We spoke for an hour. Afterwards I felt good. I got out of bed, I put on real clothes and went to Weight watchers. I lost 1.8 lbs. Then I went to pick up my Mary Kay products and then I went home.

This was a review of the present.

It was on the way home when I decided that I missed him and wanted to speak to him. I called his cell and told him that. He was softer on the phone. He really wants me to go to the party today. He said it again. I told him it will all depend on how fit for company I am. He laughed and said he totally understood. We had a nice talk. It was only a few minutes. I told him I was thinking about him and his brother and he said he really appreciates that. I told him if he wants to get away, my door is open. He said he would try tomorrow.

A review of the present.

I need to get away at some point. I do. But for now, I am using the escape hatch in my head. I am reviewing my past to see where I have been. I am reviewing the present to see what needs to change and hopefully by the time I can get away, I will have a better idea of what path I need to be on for my future.


But hey - I lost 1.8 for a grand total of 17.2. That is nothing to sneeze at!

The conundrum

This day could not get any stranger in terms of information if it tried.

I heard from my best friend today. As I mentioned in yesterdays post, his brother had another surgical procedure that has put him in tremendous pain, but they brought him home today. Unfortunately, they did outpatient training on one family member ( best friend) and the nursing company will not touch it. I just quietly listened to him as he spoke. He was again respectful and very nice, but I could hear how much effort was going into that. Not due to me, but due to the anger that he is realing with over having nurses who can't help because of red tape and paperwork. This means that he needs to be there all the time.

I asked if there was anything I could do. He asked me if I wanted to be trained to help feed his brother. Feeling positively awful, I had to decline. I can't do that. I couldn't do that with my own dad. I know it's just not a good idea. What if something happened to him? I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else, so he asked if I would turn pages for him while his brother reads ( he can't). Now THAT I can do.

He mentioned trying to get over here this weekend to talk. I told him that our issues will survive another week if need be, he needs to get a schedule and plan in place for his brother first.

He told me he canceled his class and his gigs. I was acutely disappointed. This is just another step backwards for him.

I could be wrong on this, but I feel that he is hostage to this situation. A willing one.

Yes, it's not my problem directly, but I feel like it does affect me to a degree. Not because I feel badly about his brother, because I do, and certainly not because I fully understand the draining of your life that this becomes, because I do. But because it's robbing a person I love of their own will to live. I don't mean live as opposed to die. I mean living in a shadow of a life.

All I want to do right now it is hug him and hold him and tell him that he is loved and that he is appreciated even when it is not said, or shown.

And I can't.

I spoke to step mom tonight. It was a perfectly lovely and fun conversation. Given the family connection with this other family, I mentioned the situation. She counceled me the same way that I ended up going. She basically said,

"You are a good person with a huge heart. You would do it out of the goodness that is you. And if something happened, you would never forgive yourself. "

She was right. We talked some more about how the situation is robbing my best friend of his life when she popped out with,

"You know, this is why your dad objected to him in the first place. He hadn't found himself yet and he was already in his 40's. Now he's in his 50's and he has a perfectly legit excuse for why he doesn't need to find himself. He has to fight it and the hardest thing in the world is fighting against your own family. But each day he loses a piece of himself. Eveyone knows how you two feel about each other. Your dad knew. He just wasn't comfortable with it. "

Now, this actually is very interesting. I had heard this from her one other time, but when it's said in anger by her, you can't always tell where the honesty is. So I never paid it mind. She repeated it verbatim tonight in a good secure way, so it has to be true. My dad would never have told me. But he would have told his wife to be sure.

what makes it so interesting is this is exactly what my best friend said to me. He thought very seriously about marrying me and how easy that would be. But he has no future. blah blah blah, I'm not writing the rest of it, you can go back to older posts to see the details on this part.

I just think it's very odd that my dad thought these things ( The two of them liked each other VERY much when I wasn't involved in the equation) and that my best friend echoed those parentaly concerns in our "what do we do now" conversation. ( It's still pending by the way).

I'm on an information overload today. I keep walking around the house in circles. I can't sit still for long. I try to practice and can't. I can't sit through a 30 minute sitcom, I'm tired but can't sleep. Eating, however, isn't a problem. Not excessive but not a problem. I just feel like I am at loose ends.

My poor faithful readers. When I started this blog, it was not supposed to go this way. But then I never intended or expected this whole scenario to happen. I started this blog as a way to write through the episodes of my life in a fair and constructive fashion that would help me learn more about myself and to handle life's curveballs better. This blog has certainly done that. Even in this situation, it really has. I am awed by your support and immeasurably comforted b by your presence in reading. I expect to be repetitive. I expect to be dramatic. I expect to have you ripping your own hair out, yelling "DON'T YOU GET IT YET?", I expect all of that to happen. I am trying to manage it better so that it's not so irritating in print.

The Garden

If relationship = gardens Then one person is the gardener and the other is flower that is being tended to.

"You've been a fool, and so have I
But come and by my wife.
And let us try, before we die,
To make some sense of life."

That Sounds like a great plan. I like it actually.

With one exception.

I don't believe that one person has exclusive rights as the Gardener and other as the flower.

I think in a relationship, the roles tend to switch depending on need.

"We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good;
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow,
And make our garden grow"

In my "whatever we are calling it now", I have been the Gardner for the past 3 months. I have weeded, I have nourished. I thought I was doing all the right things.

"I thought the world was sugar cake,
For so our master said.
But now I'll teach my hands to bake
Our loaf of daily bread."

But my Garden didn't grow. It started to wither and fail. And I blame myself in part for why that happened. I did the best that I could.

"We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good;
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow,
And make our garden grow..."

In all the time that I have known him, it wasn't until recently that I even ALLOWED myself to see a future with him. I worked with those goals in mind. I wasn't picky on the timeline either. I was even thinking about children. We both have so much to offer a child in terms of parenting and values and talents - can you imagine the musician that child would be? and dancing? I mean, we are talking a musical theater GENIUS. That would be our kid. And brilliant. and socially conscious. Politically unique ( him not me ). And the love of two parents and the multitudes of family that we both have.

"Let dreamers dream what worlds they please,
Those Edens can't be found.
The sweetest flowers, the fairest trees
Are grown in solid ground."

But unfortunately, fear is a powerful motivator. These things look wonderful on paper. They feel right in person. But if the garden is afraid to bloom for the Gardener, there is limited success to be had. The Gardner would have to be patient, coax the garden out slowly and patiently. Nurturing it, allowing for failures, enabling new ideas and allowing the garden the freedom to grow at its own pace.

But at some point. The Gardner has to decide when it's time to stop trying. Maybe the land isn't ready to be sown yet. Maybe the land needs rest until it is ready to take crops.

Maybe the land is not ready to grow the kinds of seeds that the Gardner is trying to plant. the seeds of love may not be the right thing for the land at this time. Maybe they will never be. Or maybe they need time and patience.

I guess what I am saying is that, I will keep doing the best that I know. I will keep trying to grow the garden until I have tried everything in my, albeit limited outside the metaphor, knowledge to get my garden to bear fruit. The fruit of love or friendship, or both.

A wise friend of mine, once said something brilliant to me about this very situation. She said that people who have this kind of connection and this kind of friendship and closeness with each other - they get married. They move in together. They love each other and they commit to one another.

"We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good;
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow,
And make our garden grow. "

And those people, the ones described in my friends' wisdom?

They make their garden grow.


Lyrics to "Make our Garden Grow" from Candide written by Leonard Bernstein

As long as NIagra Falls and as long as Gibralter stands

Or at the very least till Hell Freezes over....

I still love him and while there are time I wish to hell I didn't, there are times that I am not sorry that I do.

I spoke to him briefly today. I returned his call from Tuesday. He was busy at the hospital checking his brother out a day later than scheduled. But asked if he could call me "later". This is the kind of behaviour that keeps slightly at peace. And you know why? It's respectful and polite. The warmth and caring is apparent but it's slightly formal. I know that this is because he's trying to show respect and he's trying to do the right thing.

Now, as a teaching professional, I do need to let you know that when I was LEAST expecting it, I had to recognize his efforts.

1. He picked up the call while busy at the hospital - a fact that is unprecedented with us.
2. He talked for few minutes and then asked me if he could call back.

Here's the deal.

After I hung up I didn't investigate or ruminate about the call. I just went on about my business.

However when I was in the car, it occurred to me that love doesn't "just end" because you say it does or you even think it does or because you want it to.

And it hasn't.

Here's my problem. I have to address it sooner rather than later. If I wait till it happens, the anger and resurgence of emotion will destroy any of the fabric we are weaving today.

He's going to want to bring the Whore around. Perhaps even her kids. And I don't want to be anywhere near the place when this occurs. The only thing that is keeping this possibility from being a reality is the fact that he has spent the last year telling us just what kind of bad behaviour this whore has been displaying where he's concerned. I won't speak for our friends, but given the information that we all possess, I don't exactly think she will be all that well received. Especially considering the whore is still with the other guy too and lied to both men about the other one. But he thinks she's "the one". So the possibility exists. Idiot.

So, as long as Niagara Falls, As long as Gibraltar stands or until Hell freezes over. I just don't see us not being in each other's lives. But I don't know how to stop loving him enough to just be his friend. How does one put all this "stuff" aside? All the love, the pain, the hurt, the disrespect, the bad treatment, the good treatment? How does one just wipe the slate clean and start again?

I am still struggling with whether or not I want to love this misfit back into the functional world. ( credit to Crowbard for that expression). I am tough enough but am I willing to give that much of my soul up for another person who claims they only want part of it?

The ready an available answer is no. But there are other variables that I am still working through at this time.

Your patience as I work through this is very much appreciated. Your wisdom and caring is appreciated more!

The reprieve is over

I got the phone call.

I truly thought he would never call again. The singular proof of how unimportant I need to be made to feel by him in order to fall out of love. Right?

I don't get it really.

The psychologist in me takes over, steps back, and looks at the behaviour.

He doesn't believe he deserves to be loved.

Because of this:

1. He gets involved in relationships that hurt him and validate his feeling that he doesn't deserve to be loved
2. He treats anyone who has the audacity to see past this and love him despite it like crap.
3. So that they won't love him anymore
4. Thus validating his belief that he isn't worthy of being loved.

neat isn't it? Nice circle.

So.

With this knowledge, I listened to the message carefully.

here it is:

"Hey Contessa it's best friend. Want to let you know that brother had his surgery put in, he's in a lot of pain but he's Ok and he's coming home tomorrow. I'm staying at his place so if you want to call, call my cell. I'll talk to you later. Bye"

There are a number of things about this message that are strange.

1. His use of my first name.
2. Identifying himself by name
3. Allowing access while at his brothers
4. Not calling my cell, but my home.

And these were the first things that came to my mind when I heard the message, I had to go back and listen to the details on the brother again a second time.

I hate this. I would give my kidney up to back in time and do the last 8 years over again. More to the point, the last 3 months.

I refuse to predict the future. There is a lot of push to say this person is toxic and shouldn't be in my life and a part of me agrees with that. In fact depending on the day, that part of me is larger or smaller. Then there is the push that says but you have such a history here, and you two love each other regardless of the relationship status - how can you give that up?

Well here's the thing. I NEVER EVER gave up the person I love before. For any reason. If it was not going well, I was going to do the work required to bring it back.

But I chose to give him up and every day, I mean every SINGLE day, I regret it, but I don't. I miss him so very painfully much, but I'm at peace because I am not thrown to the peaks and the valleys.

I don't know if we can be friends. Because I don't know if I can trust him to treat me right. He's never done it consistently enough before, so how do I know that it wll happen this time.

There are so many reasons to NOT do this. But honestly, the one reason I have TO do it is powerful enough to override the others.

I am just not sure. Not yet. I'm still working through what is best for me. Not him. Me. Not my friends. Me.