I met my identical hand ( voice) twin!

Those of you who are "Friends" fans will remember Joey's famous line "I've met my identical hand twin!". And he thought they would make a lot of money on this....

Well, I have finally met the person who blends with me vocally. I have been dealing for a long while with not getting duet's and such because the director can't blend other's to my sound. It's really tough on singers because though it's not intended to be personal, it is personal. I can blend with most folks when I have some practice time ahead of me. But this director takes your natural sound and goes with that. Both ways are good, its a matter of taste I suppose.

But as we are headed towards our last few rehearsals to performance she has changed our seating from a big circle, to 2 rows and then to three. Each time I was seated next to Melody. She is younger by 10 years, very outgoing, beautiful voice. For awhile, I was intimidated. But as I got to know her better that went away and I started to suspect we might sing well together.

When we went to the 2 row config last week, I was positive. I called her midweek after rehearsal and told her this. We car pooled this week, and at rehearsal she was standing next to me in three row again and low and behold she passed me a note that said, OMG this blend is so FREAKY. I had to laugh.

We did some tests in the car and yup. Its there. I think she is going to do a duet with me at my recital. Then next year we have plans to learn any duets together before the audition and show the director what we are truly made of.

The other by-product of this is, I have a new friend.

Now, for those of you who know me, I always have a large circle of people whom I consider friends. I was not actually in the market for this one to be honest, but I am not in the least bit upset about it. It was a wonderful surprise. What is truly funny is how similar we are. She is me at that age. Right down to her looks. She's bright and funny, vivacious, personable and all the things that I was then and am the older version of now.

Most of my friends are older than I am, by a good amount. 10 + years is the norm actually. I have my best friends from college and my best friend from childhood, but by and large my friends have always been older. I have never been the older one. So this is uncharted territory for me. Not bad, just different. I think it will be fun to be the older one for a change, though we look similar enough to be sisters. Crazy.

So all in all, I am very pleased with this new development.

Halloween

Halloween - All Hallows Eve. The day/night that departed souls come out and dance on their graves.

My mom does a Halloween listening exercise with her students that she has been doing since I was in the third grade. I love it to death and I think I am going to do it myself this year.

She's puts on Danse Macabre by Camille Saint Saens and gives the kids paper and crayons and tells them to draw what they think or feel based on the music. She plays it once. Then she plays it a second time and they get to draw. We used to do this as kids and it is amazing the pictures that the kids produce. This a tradition that I think I am going to start again.

It pains me that the world is no longer safe enough for kids to go out trick or treating anymore. And even though some neighborhoods are still OK to do this in, the treats they get are still suspect. When I was young the worst thing we had to worry about were razor blades in apples and our parents just didn't let us eat things that weren't sealed or from a trusted source. You can't even do that anymore.

More property damage is done by the living than the dead would ever bother with. Their whole gig is to rise up and dance on their graves in an orderly fashion until midnight when All Saints day dawns then they return to their graves until next year. So why do the living have to make this night about damage - Property or otherwise? Even well behaved kids are looking to buy shaving cream and eggs. Animal shelters stop allowing the adoption of black cats in the beginning of September. Our parents used to talk about "the crazies" who only targeted kids on Halloween.What has the world come to when the true targets of a fun holiday are children and animals?

This year my usual Halloween party is not happening and I'm pretty sure if I arrived on a doorstep in costume with no kids, at the most I'd get laughed at and at the least they'd call the cops. I'm sad because Lilli usually throws this party and it's WONDERFUL. We have the best time and she goes all out. So I didn't plan to get a costume this year. So last week when my director suggested we all come in costume to our rehearsal and have a gathering afterward I almost died laughing. So I looked at the two that I have readily available and I am going as a bar maid. I'll send pics. this aught to be a hoot.

I am bringing my camera as no one will believe this!!!

It's not just a kids holiday.

Time ... unexpected

Today was my sister-in-law's baby shower, She's due in December.

The shower was being held in Pennsylvania and My new sister-in-law, my mom and I were planning to drive over.

The Weather however, caused a problem and gale force winds, flooding and torrential rain caused us to call off the trip. At 6:30 AM.

I should be grateful that we called it off that early, but I really didn't like waking up an hour before the alarm because I KNOW I will be up longer tham I want to. I was right, I was unable to fall back asleep until 9:30 ish. So now, I am asleep until nearly 1PM.

I guess I needed the rest. It was weird though. I don't do that unless I am sick normally...

But I decided to use the found time to do things for me. I wasn't really planning to organize anything and my brain really wasn't with it. I caught up with some friends( Bernie,Maplemama, and Lena) then I got the ironing board out and the iron and pulled down my winter curtains and slipcovers for the furniture and pressed and changed everything out in the living room. Then I lit some candles, pulled out my heavier afghans and watched a terrible movie. Do not rent Friends with money. I want my 5 dollars back and those 2 hours of my life.

I feel at peace today, the fountain in the foyer is running, the living room is set for winter, I pulled out my fall/winter housewarmer candles. I poured myself a nice glass of wine and I'm planning a hot bath later.

It felt weird to have NO plans. Nothing needing my attention, no one needing me to be present, nothing that I HAD to do. Not even anything that I WANTED to do. Yes, I SHOULD have gone to WW, but I didn't want to go outside to be honest. All I wanted to do was putter around my house and "nest".

I had French Fries for lunch. I will have soup for dinner. Maybe a crusty roll with it.

It was a pleasant day any way you look at it. And it was all the more pleasant because it was unexpected.

The aftermath and new realizations

I bought a clock.

That's it above. Its somewhat of an antique and I had been eyeing for awhile. So rather than eat every stitch of food in the house or go buy a pint or 5 of B&J or an entire bakery cake for myself ( In my defense I have never done any of those things actually but I did abuse food) , I bought the clock for my kitchen.

I have been eyeing it for sometime. It's slate actually, with antique B&W paris postcards decoupaged onto it. It was a little but pricey but not a killer. I was planning to spend between 30-50 dollars so this was right in the budget.

The minute I clicked the Pay now button, I felt 2000 % better. I also felt weird because I don't usually shop to ease pain. I don't like shopping most of the time. I don't have the patience to be honest. So, this was a little bit strange.

But not altogether unpleasant.

I also recognize the behaviour change from eating to shopping and I like that replacing eating with something else is good, I just have to be prudent with it so I don't break the bank.

I think the difference is, I have been wanting this clock for months. I have been saving the money and had set it aside. I was waiting, truthfully, for the price to go down.

I just decided to stop waiting and buy it now. So it wasn't the impulse buy that most people would do to ease suffering. Much like binging to ease suffering. Because it makes you feel good. I feel OK wiht the decision to buy it and my on again off again romance with ebay is ingited yet again. I am currently watching 26 items of which I REALLY want about 10. Largely picture frames ( a passion of mine - I have picture EVERYWHERE ) and some candles and a bowl that was discontinues in my china pattern that the cats broke. And a teapot in my china patter discontinued so many years ago I can't believe they are still selling them on ebay.

So the aftermath seems to be realistically harmless and I got my clock for the kitchen.

The other thing that has started happening is my nesting instinct has kicked in. At 10PM last night, I started cleaning off and reorganizing my desk. Even I was surprised. I feel so much better for it too.

Tomorrow I head to PA for my sister-in-law's baby shower. Of course the weather is supposed to be gale force winds and torrential rain. Typical. Last time we went, it was 9 MILLION degrees and I was picking up Wolfi from his foster mom to go to our furever home. All that travel in 9 million degree heat with a 3 month old kitten in the back and stupid traffic at the Holland tunnel.

If I weren't going, I start doing my closets again. Of course there is always Sunday. I really want to take advantage of my mental state to clean house - literally. And I also want to get the furniture I don't want out, and the stuff that I do want ( at brother's house) in.

In closing, my normal organizational skills are heightened and my behaviours are changing now too which is good.

Having a tough time

I'm having a tough time this week. I ate very well in terms of being healthy and making some smart choices, Not every day, but more often than not.

I didn't attend my meeting today because I had a gig. Nothing major but I had a gig, and it nicely allowed me to sleep in a bit. My lesson got canceled. so there it is.

I have been enable to work out since Monday due to this issue with my knee. I strained it Monday and knew immediately that I was going to pay for that move dearly ( I stepped on the step wrong). Not being able to work out made me realize some things:

1. I do like it. Go figure
2. I really feel like my head is in the weight loss game when I am working out regularly
3. I don't have as much stress when I get regular strenuous activity.

I am doing the Firm body Sculpting II and I love it. So not being able to do it is a really challenge for me and I am STILL retaining water which is driving me nuts.

More importantly I am not seeing the losses at the scale that I would like. Its going down but not with the numbers I feel I should be seeing at this point.

My goal is to be 10 pounds lighter by my recital. More would be nice but 10 is my goal.

My knee is almost better, enough that I could walk tomorrow and maybe monday or tuesday start the firm again with low impact. I'm trying to take it slow, but its making me frustrated to not work out at all.

At least now I have stated my goal, in the positive and I know the steps that I need to take to get there. Cheer me on!

"I see" said the blind man

Today was my followup appointment at the opthamologist. I have been going quite frequently since the corneal abrasion on 9.23.06, so this is just one visit of many!

This time I went armed with my list of concerns and issues.

Q. I am on Prednisone drops for the eyes. Is this going to cause vision issues??
A. Not in drop form, but in ointment form, yes it could.

Q. Your nurses continue to tell me that my vision with the glasses is still 20/20 and without hasn't changed from 20/25 in right eye and 20/20 in left, so why am I having MORE trouble seeing without my glasses than ever before?? I shouldn't need them all the time and I seem to.

A. That has nothing to do with your actual vision. You have some swelling around the tear ducts in your eyes causing the lids to swell, both upper and lower. This is causing your eyes to tear, but not to moisten the eye properly as the moisture is leaking out rather than working on the eye as it is supposed to. You will need to fill a script for a opthamologic ointment called Tobradex to be used on the outer eyelids and refresh PM on the right eyeball at night before you go to bed. That should help solve the problem. Both eyes are affected so if you don't see an improvement with the one eye, go to both until the tear duct and lids are not so swollen and visible.

Q. All these steroids make me nervous. Especially Prednisone. Is this going to get into my blood stream and cause problems with my body? I also don't need to gain any more weight.

A. Do you have any idea how many bottles of this stuff you would need to take in rapid succession in order to have those things happen? Your kidding with me right?

So, we may have found the root behind why my eyes water so much when the rest of my body is not suffering from allergies. It will take some time, but time is all I've got really.

I don't have to go back until December and my vision should be cleared up by then as far as this blurriness is concerned. I won't need to wear my glasses as much and frankly I don't have anything against them other than the fact that its a hassle and I'm not accustomed to wearing them that much and tend to misplace them a lot.

I am feeling better about this than I have in a long time. I was worried there was scarring on the cornea. I am lucky.

Flexible spending - Just how flexible is it???

I have had a FSA now for about 3 years. My particular one allows me to use a debit card from their company in addition to submitting paper claims.

For those of you unfamiliar with this, in short, this is an account that your company will automatically take pre-tax money from your check and deposit it in this account for you to spend on medical co-pays, prescriptions, child care, OTC meds and supplies etc. Basically, it saves money in the long run.

The IRS has rules for these accounts as well. The FSA company that my place of business uses is called Payflex. They have diferent levels of service as most companies do. For my place of business, we are somewhere in the middle. The rules that the IRS had when I first joined the account 4 years ago, were, any charge on the card that was not an even dollar amount required a receipt to be faxed to them to verify that the card is being used properly.

They changed the rules, but did not notify the plan participants. Now one must submit receipts for every single thing. I think that makes more sense, though there communication skills could be re-vamped a little.

So, let me tell you why I chose this topic today. I logged into the website to verify the status of my card as it was declined and I have an obscene amount of money still available. There is no bill to pay since its prepaid, so I am confused. I can only see the words "permantly inactive" on the screen and my head spins around.

So I call the company and I get a young chick with attitude.... just my luck, someone who likes to fight, working customer service. This aught to be good. I explain my issues to her, she, nicely at first, advised me that new cards had been shipped - in January of 2006. Clearly mine didn't arrive, and my old was working till recently. So I share that with her and she tells me its not possible. Of course, my card activity proves her wrong, which sent her into a tailspin. She reviews the account and tells me that my new card will not be shipped to me until I clear up some receipt paperwork that is missing.

I can't tell you how I reacted but picture Linda Blair and your probably close. I was provided by the individual I was working with 6 items that needed paperwork. I hit the roof because well over half had been provided more than twice and some up to 5 times. with verbal confirmation. I wanted confirmation in writing but they don't do that for paperwork to back up card claims, only paper claims.

So now, I have to spend the time to locate these 6 items in my files, some as far back as 2004. You have to be kidding me. 2004???? Thank goodness it was 20 dollars because the vendor I used may not have the information I need on this if I cannot find it myself.

The other half of the problem is my laptop crashed in July. I lost all my medical records, electronic receipts etc. This means that i have to go back to Medco, CVS and FamilyMeds and hope they can assist me in re-constructing my records so I can have my card released.

It's a pain in the butt however this year my benefits plan is changing and I am going to need this card more than ever. I will now be paying a percentage of prescriptions rather than just a flat fee like this year.

I'm not sure that the title Flexible account is accurate. Though when the card is working its flexible and peace of mind during emergencies, however the upkeep and maintenance is a pain in the butt. Mostly becuase these people operate soley by fax. I would LOVE them to use emails. I put in the suggesstion with psycho girl that they should send email notificiation of receipt of all documentation whether its for a paper claim or a card claim and they should also accept email documentation as well. I'm not holding my breath but it would sure make things easier for me.

Oktoberfest

Today I went to an Oktoberfest at the rectory of our Church, hosted by my priest. What a great time I had.

Being a weight watcher and really serious about it now. ( That Cornea thing really burned me!) I saved up an extra 12 points to be able to accommodate the food that was sure to be there. This is, after all, a church gathering of adults and our motto is "Give them food and they will come!". And they always do.

I specifically did not eat dinner but had a snack that I planned for but did not plan enough for. I wanted a 3 point snack and I was at Dunkin Donuts getting my coffee, so I ordered what was sure to be an over priced cookie, sight unseen, and that was my first mistake. It was bigger than my hand. My three point cookie rapidly went to 5 plus my coffee so there goes that.

Being smart ( or being a "smart cookie" as Poodle would say), I compensated by drinking half a beer rather than an entire one. I had two brat's and one slice of cake. I was not only proud of myself, I wasn't hungry for anything else either.

On the exercise scene, I did the body sculpting session today ( 55 minutes) and did the entire thing, somewhere between beginner and advanced, depending on the moves. I haven't felt this good in a long time. So the answer is slowly but surely its starting to phase in the way I want to be so it doesn't bite anymore.

Back to Oktoberfest, the food was delicious. The Beer was wonderful. I hadn't been in the rectory since Fr Christopher came to town and it looks wonderful. I spent some time talking with what surely should have been my twin, she has the same name and spelling as mine and we share the same birthday - what are the odds of that? We are both musicians. She teaches my god daughter in school and we both sing with the same group in different seasons..... it's kind of weird to be honest. I sing with her mom in our church choir and I absolutely adore her! So it was kind of cool to be able to socialize with my twin and her husband tonight, they usually have the kids and they are so adorable but at a tough age for the parents to be able to socialize.

Both of us being musicians and singing with the same director during different seasons, she and her husband are going to come to the concert in November. I think I am going to have the two of them and her mom over for dinner some night. That would be fun. We'll talk about it in the morning at church.

All in all it was a nice and successful evening. I am really happy I was able to get there. I also wore a pair of pants I haven't even attempted to wear in two years and they looked pretty good.

I showed a big gain at the scales this morning, but honestly this has been a crazy week and I could make excuses but the reality is I had an awards banquet on Thursday, my cycle started on Friday and I am evidently retaining water in the event of a drought. I couldn't even put my rings on this morning and they were big on me to start with. By this evening I stood on my scale and some of the water has finally left my body. I am just watching the sodium intake to make sure that isn't playing a part.

Tomorrow I will try to start Pilate's. I need to keep some variety going or I get bored. I think got "it" back!

Miscellaneous Stuff

This is a short post to let you know what's going on and I'll do a more detailed post tomorrow or later.

Tonight is the Installation to the Board of directors for the community service group that I am receiving the award for. The award presentation will be tonight as well. I am also being installed as a director. I am wearing the red dress and black shoes from the wedding as the dress I had ordered is back-ordered. sad. But I am sitting here with rollers in my hair getting ready to go. I am warming up my voice as I am also singing the National Anthem and trying to find a reasonable key which is looking like B Flat at the moment.... not my choice but people tend to join in so I try to make it reasonable. My personal choice for anyone who cares is D major. No one asked - but just in case !

Last night was the my first board meeting with this crew and it went really well - some awesome ideas. This looks to be an awesome year. I'll submit some pics when I get them.

The work out yesterday actually allows me to still move though I feel every movement I make amplified. I will continue because as luck would have it - I feel great. So it blows a little less.

OK Have to run - have to finish some work and get my hair out of rollers, I do look wired for sound!

Wow exercize kinda blows

I'm sure I'll change my mind as I do more of it, but I have to tell you, exercize kinda blows.

I used to like it. I used to be addicted to it.

I can't imagine what happened and why I don't like it anymore.

I am the kind of person that has to be successful at what I do. I go after all the information available, test lots of different things - trial and error, I work hard to get better at whatever I take on.

So To start a program of exercize that I hve been wildly successful in my past and suck at it, really pissed me off. I have been walking steadily though so I was able to get more than halfway through the first 55 minute session. Not much past the halfway mark, but past it none the less which made me happy. I was exhausted after and thinking seriously about a nap. I didn't take one, just hydrated and then ate my lunch.

I know that I need to do this, and I know that I want to do this. The fire is lit inside me to get better at this. The benefit of course is that I will look better too. And my clothes will fit. Oh and I'll be healthy too - yeah I know that should have been first but life's full of choices. LOL

The Weight watchers plan is working great, my losses are small but mighty. My bigger issue is I am reacting heavily to sodium - more so than normal and I am assuming it has to do with the weather too. There has to be a way to make good foods without that much sodium. Seriously. I don't want to have to do EVERYTHING from scratch. I don't have that kind of time.

At the end of the day I am going to my program of 3 days a week ( MWF) for a couple of months and then see where we are at. My Goal is to be doing 100% of the workout with weights where I am supposed to in 3 months. If I can manage that, then changing the frequency or adding pilates is next. Depends on my mood.

But today was the hardest. It should get easier moving forward.

and there goes my patience

After the raw rough emotion of the weekend I woke up much more content back to my old self.

Except that I have a short fuse.

Now, those of you who know me know I have a fairly long fuse but when we get to the end - run for cover. I am, after all, my father's daughter.

I worked today. I had a lot of things to get done. I am dealing with the move of my order entry hub from MO to Buenos Aires. I have to be honest here, this move is quite possibly the worst decision I have had to deal with. And I had nothing to do with it.

I spend an inordinate amount of time, explaining to them how they need to write my orders, how fast it needs to be done and I am escalating right and left to get things done in a timely fashion as there really isn't an reasonable explanation I can provide to my customer for delays outside of 48 hours.

Not that I am expecting any of you to have to deal or even understand this, but the extra time that I need to take out of day to manage them when I didn't have to manage the weldon Springs, MO group at all is making me nuts.

So my patience was short to start with, its Monday and this is taking up most of my time.

For my job I keep several different instant message systems up. AOL occasionally, Lotus notes Sametime and Windows Communicator. I like Communicator the best out of all three, in the event you were wondering about my opinion. One thing that is a pet peeve of mine, is people who have entire conversations on it in place of the phone. Now it's one thing when you are on a conf call, but something else entirely when I am just sitting here working on my spreadsheets. My true pet peeve about it largely deals with the fact that if I am just sitting here typing conversation back and forth with my co-workers than chances are neither of us is getting much done. sure once in a blue on a slow day during the moratorium maybe but every day I have co-workers who do this. Then to hit me line after line after line while I am trying to respond to the first comment?????

Normally, I yell at the lap top and tell whoever it is to shut up. today I was so incensed with my lack of patience that I shut all three down altogether. I offered up the suggestion to call me while I am typing so as not to seem anti-social. I wanted to chat but I really had to get this stuff done. I don't want to be pressured tomorrow like I am every week to get all these reports out and the client was on holiday today so I was making the most of a semi day off. I also have a truckload of orders to put in tomorrow.

I was a little bit stressed about teaching today too.... I was afraid that I would lose my patience with my kids but I was OK with them. They can pull me out of that mood really easily which is my patience isn't suffering now. I taught Gil and Jen today and they did pretty good.

So now I am driving home and it's dark out, I can't find my glasses and I notice that my right eye ( the one that had the torn cornea) vision has degraded substantially. everything is blurry until I am close enough to touch it. This is not acceptable to me. I have a sinking feeling that this is scarring of the cornea and I am praying that can be addressed. The other thing that scares me is the steroid drops degrading the vision. I have an appt on the 20th. So I am trying to adjust to this. My left eye is perfect - no problem. I am planning to call the doctor tomorrow though just to ask about this.

I had called my best friend, Jax, last night while sitting in the drive through line at McD's for the eternity that it seemed like. She called me back this evening between kids. she couldn't believe how angry I was last night and how impatient I was today. I know that this is part of my grieving process - I recognized it immediately.

Its getting back to normal around here! Slowly Slowly....

the last Indian standing

Tonight was the last funeral and it was the hardest for me. Yesterday was Larry's. I loved Larry, but he was ill for a long time and I think he died of a broken heart. Tonight was Doris'. That was particularly rough as she only went to the hospital - perfectly healthy I might add - to have cataract surgery. The minister at the memorial service was barely getting through the service himself. I found myself crying during his sermon. Doris was a COOL lady and she was 79. Her husband is devastated. and I don't blame him.

Anyway after all these services, I realized that I was not fit company for polite civilized company. So I walked out of my rehearsal very early as everything there was pissing me off and went home. On my way I stopped and had a big mac, I can't tell you how long its been since I have eaten one of those. The drive through line had three cars on it and we were there for 20 minutes. evidently the first car was getting enough food to send to the troops overseas. Once we got there they handed me my order and I drove home. I normally check before pulling away for accuracy. Hell, most of the kids working there don't even necessarily speak English THAT well. I didn't and I was sorry - the Iced Tea I asked for came to me as Hi-C. I was a little bit annoyed. Just one more thing to add to my night.

Since I know I am angry I opted to not talk on the phone. though I did return some calls to people who weren't home, so I didn't speak to them just to their machines and warned them nicely not to call back tonight. I spoke to one friend of mine who knows how I can be at these times and is very calming. After that, I played a computer game that required major concentration. I needed something to focus my aggressions on and this seemed to be the ticket as no one gets hurt ( well except for the witches and wizards in the game and I am telling you that stupid dragon is gonna be next!). I am feeling better after that game to be honest. I could be fit for polite society again after all. I just left with a lot of rage and anger tonight. All the little stuff I normally do not care about was just aggravating me to the point of anger.

I needed quiet time today and seriously was not getting it. I tried to watch a movie and lay down but i picked the wrong movie. I chose Syrianna. BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD choice. I couldn't focus and I had really been interested in seeing this. I was disgusted and annoyed after the first 40 minutes and fell asleep - for 10 minutes when the phone rang, the rest of my afternoon went right along the same way. So I gave up, showered and got ready for the memorial service. You know the rest.

Its too much to have this many deaths and one pending happen so fast. It looks like my grandmother has spit in the eye of death one more time as she will be released from the hospital to a nursing home for a short term visit temporarily. That will give my mom the chance to recharge her batteries as she is suffering too. Lack of sleep, stress and always wondering and worrying what happens next. She started working out and I am going to do the same starting tomorrow. It's just better over all to manage my stress.

I'll be better after a good nights sleep. Lord knows I need it. I am headed there as soon as friends is over ( 10 minutes from now). I'll be better in the morning once I have one day not to be in a church of mourners. I am feeling sad for these families. I even feel sad for Diva's husband. I know what this feels like from their perspective. I still want to call my dad on the phone and tell him things. I forget sometimes. Its normal, I am told by my priest. I talk to him about these things when the going gets rough, which helps. We are the same age within months and we get along great.

Anyway - things will be back to normal in the morning - I will be my normal chipper self!

I figured out why I am so Blue

For the past week I have been a little bit down. Not so much that most people would notice, but those close to me did. I had no idea why - it just hit me.

Nothing major, no crying jags. Just not feeling "my usual bouncy" self. Less bounce to ounce so to speak. There really wasn't anything I could put my finger on. Fall is here and I LOVE this season, the weather, the colors, the clothing, the food, the smells - I mean YUM. So this melancholy that descended on me was kind of weird.

Physically I am feeling ok. Work is no more stressful than it normally is. My family is doing OK. Except for my step dad's mom. She's ill and she's in the hospital. Her mind has been drifting to the past a lot lately more and more and things haven't been going well there. She is 101. It's not too uncommon but it is sad as she's a tough strong independent woman. She has her opinions and she is super lady - so this is difficult to watch and my parents are having a tough time with her at home.

That alone isn't enough to bring on this melancholy though it is certainly a contributing factor. Then when I really got to thinking about that, it occured to me that last week Dennis passed away at age 50. Then today Howie, our IT guy in my NYC office, passed away from a sever asthma attack. That was kind of freaky being an asthmatic myself. They pulled the plug on the life support with him. It happened over the weekend. Then it occurred to me that my friend of 25 years is doing the same thing with her mother on Monday. Which is really sad for me as her parents are so wonderful and I adore them so. As if that wasn't enough, Larry passed away yesterday and though he was older and suffered from Parkinsons, he was a friend of my step mom's parents ( I knew her father well).

Just when you think, who else could possibly die that the Contessa knows? Diva's husband's grandmother ( who raised him).

No one specifically close to me, but I knew all of these people well. I would grieve anyway but this was like a slam dunk for me. 5 people in 9 days.

I am reasonably sure that the melancholy is due to this.

I have a few funerals to attend now. I will be singing at Larry's with my church choir on Saturday morning. I did not attend the funeral for Diva's Husband grandmother. I don't feel guilty about that either. Neither one of them has been "friends" of mine for over a year now. Almost 2 actually. Her husband is still very angry though I am unclear on why he is angry with me. I also no longer care. The point is I was not comfortable with this so I did not go, but I did send a card. Whatever takes place with Doris I will be there in whatever capacity that Nancy wants me to be.

I had to pick and choose the funerals to attend you see. I still can't "do" funerals real well since my dad passed 3 years ago. I can handle them to a degree but I don't do the viewings if I can avoid it and I prefer to "work" the funeral in an official capacity as soloist even for those I know as it keeps me focused.

I will say that writing it here was very cathartic for me. I feel the haze lifting as I type to be honest. At least I know what caused this melancholy is so I can deal with it.

The bird never flies far from the nest

Many people didn't believe me when I said that being the only unmarried child in my family didn't bother me. But it's true.

I say this because Autumn is here. My housekeeper left after cleaning house on Monday and I walked in to a peaceful environment. And a sweeping sense on contentment filled me. I started to think about what it would be like to share my space with someone that I had vowed to love till death do we part. I don't know if I know HOW to share on those terms. I'm sure I can learn - most people do. It just occurred to me that at this point in time I am not sure that I want to compromise. Anything.

Thats not to say that if the right man came along and all things being equal, I would say "sorry not willling to compromise". I'm not stupid. But I'm not kiling myself looking right now.

So now that its fall, I come home, I turn on my rock fountain in the foyer, remove my shoes and survey my home. You know what I see? I see my humidifier humming quietly in the corner ( It does not need to in the summer as the humidity is higher) keeping my skn and my piano healthy, my candles waiting to be lit and fill the air with pumpkin or fireside smells ( in summer its clean cotton or ocean side), my kitchen with it's homey french provincial wall paper, my bathroom with the multitude of bath salts and bubble baths and my bedroom with my wicker ceiling fan and the most comfortable bed on earth. And I am filled with a sense of calm. I always wanted my home to have this feeling when I arrived in it. I have the foundation in place and I intend to continue it.

The other things that make me so content now are my food systems ( lots of slow cooking in croc pots, different cheeses, roasts, stews and soups) and my exercize routines. I hate working out in the heat. Mostly what happens to me in the fall is the basic nesting instinct. I spend a lot more time cooking for myself good wholesome healthy foods, I pull out my fall and winter clothes, my snuggly pj's, drink hot tea and mostly I organize like mad.

I did my kitchen cabinets over the weekend. I completed re-organized them now that I have lived with this kitchen for two years. The cabinets originally made sense, now they make MORE sense and I am finding it easier to keep them this way. Clothing closets are next.

Fall is truly one of my favorite seasons. I think I am the best version of myself in the fall. The colors I love, the smells, the weather, the foods. All of these things make me happy and give me that overall sense of peace and contentment. I looked back on previous falls in my life and it always makes me feel peaceful.



I was talking that over today with my friend Jenna. She and I live close by and try to meet for coffee on the days that all 4 of her kids are in school. Today we were going to meet in a starbucks that honestly, I thought I knew how to get there however I got lost and we were short on time to start with. So she picked up my coffee for me and we ended up back at her house. We had our coffee and caught up. We talked about men( because we ALWAYS do that - both hers and mine! ), we talked about jobs, mutual friends, meanwhile her 3 year old daughter was cooking for us in the pretend kitchen. We got around to talking about fair weather friend and how we are going to have dinner soon. We were talking about different foods and what not. We found out that we both LOVE fall. We can't get enough of it. The clothes, the food, the colors, the hair, the holidays.



I found that to be so funny that she feels the same way about this season. Its not a common discussion point - I don't normally ask my friends "What is the best season for to feel like the best version of you?" That's a crazy question. But we both do.



we are not going be having our Halloween party this year and it almost feels weird. Usually we are running around planning our costumes. So this is another weird thing.





All in all - this fall feels nice, the weather is cool enough and sleeping is good. I am content.

Bless all the animals

In honor St. Francis, My little episcopal church did a blessing of the animals.

Wolfi usually makes an appearance. He likes the activity, being outside, seeing his buddies.

Bandit is not exactly sociable. In fact for the first year I wasn't sure he even liked me. However he turned a corner and now loves to cuddle and play. He's just not as "Hey look at me!!!!" as Wolfi is.

Needless to say I got out the BIG carrier and bribed Bandit with treats. I got him in. Closed the door and picked up the other little man and the sneak got it and booked under bed - in the middle.

I'm out of time, so Wolfi is the only one going. One minor hitch, he hates the carrier and made that clear with the "car meow". You cat owners will be familiar (new cat owners be prepared) with this phenomenon. Your seemingly nice cat who meows quietly or even the rambunctious raucous ones during play, will be AMAZED at the sound and depth of the meow of a cat in the car.

We aren't even on the elevator yet - and he starts that. I blame myself. When he made the hospital trip, the carrier was MIA so he rode in the car without it. So he knows the difference and it wasn't that long ago.

I get there nice and early so that as it starts to fill up the noise level goes up slowly. He's doing OK - I take him out of the carrier as I want him not to be at the same level as the dogs on leashes. He's much more relaxed and happy that way. I make sure he and I are first on line after the prayers. He loves Fr. Christopher. He's been to the house twice to visit and Wolfi just loves him. It's mutual. Most people who meet either of them tend to love them so it's no stretch that they love each other.

I put him in the car with his carrier and I sit with him. I am waiting for my step mom to get the dog blessed. wolfi is not entirely fond of Liesel but that's OK.

It was a wonderful day and the blessing was a success. For my own part, the best was when I got home and released Wolfi. He ran right up to Bandit, they stood nose to nose chatting amongst themselves. If I had to imagine what they were saying it would have gone like this:

"Wow I'm back - man you should have been there!"
"Really what was it like???"
" Well the big box with the cage was a drag, but the big one who calls herself Mama took me out when we got there, only she held me the whole time"
"There's no WAY you were getting me in that box"
" It wasn't so bad, once you get used to it - its kind of roomie"
" She wouldn't have let me out. You know I used to LIVE outside - I was born there"
" So was I, hello, do you EVER listen to me?"
" So who was there? Anyone I know?"
" Liesel was there, she's gotten big - she had on a HIDEOUS collar. Tigger couldn't' make it, his mom had no time to get home. Sammy was there, but he and Liesel aren't speaking - I don't know why but I'm sure Freckles was involved.
" Freckles? I heard he got the axe!"
"Nah - he moved that's all"
"Anyone else - Any "newbies"?
" some new dog - not sure what her deal is, she looks like she's been through the mill - we talked a bit, but she won't say who did those things to her. She's getting help though. There was another cage with some babies of our kind. Tigger's mom seemed interested since she lost one. Luther won't like it though I can tell you. "
" Wow sounds like a lot of folks turned out for this one"
" yeah - they had those snacks that you chase and Catch too. Mama wouldn't let me near them though."
" I LOVE those. Darn I should have gone.
" Let's go lay down I've had a long day."
" Sounds Good!"

My boys like to dish! And me without my camera..... Sad.