Love has to fall somewhere short of suicide

I can't take credit for this quote but I like it. It speaks to me of love being a choice as suicide is. It's sarcastic of course which is totally me as well. Not that I am in any contemplating suicide now or ever - It's the extreme that speaks to me.

The fact is, When times are tough - you have to make an effort, no, a conscious choice at times to love one another. Some days that's easy and some days it's not.

It occurs to me that this psychic that I saw was not only dead on in what she told me then but how forward seeing it really was.

In the past few days we have had a tug o war going on.

The psychic said that the only way we move off our plateaus is to nudge each other along albeit under the guise of humor, and this one that we are on now will be no different. And I have a knack for making him think it's his idea.

And that is all true. And each time I get down about this stuff I look back on these words and realize that it's true.

Unfortunately we have a wrinkle. I feel very specifically unattractive. In the past 24 hours I have spent an enormous amount of money ( nearly 1000 dollars) to look and feel better about myself. And it isn't WORKING.

To be fair - this expenditure is a longterm solution so I am not balking at the cost right now. Normally I would be panicking in ways and means I cannot describe but these are solutions that will last for at least a year if not more. So it turns out to be less than 100 bucks a month which is reasonable to me.


These are things that will help my eczema, my weight loss, my overall health, I did have my hair done, a mani and pedi, waxing - you know girl stuff. Eyelash tint and curl - the whole nine.


And yet, when I got home I felt as fat and undesirable as ever.


So I looked at things that I need and I will be going to the beach and walking 4.5 miles 3 times a week. It makes me feel better and I like it there. Time permitting I will sit and meditate on the benches there too. If I time it right, I can do this from 7-8:30 MW and Thurs. Then home and dinner.

It's all I can do right now. I will add my core work in the evenings as well. We'll see after that.

The other thing is music. I know I keep saying it, but music brings us both back to the center. The center of what makes us well... us.

We watched Across the Universe tonight. It was amazing. Wonderful and poignant. He took out his guitar and we played and sang. We decided that he would do the vocal warmups I gave him and sing a couple of tunes per day. Even the callouses on his fingers have worn down so much it was a little bit painful to play. But we did and sang Beatles tunes. For 3 hours. It was wonderful.

He's interested in music again. That's something to thank God for.

Tomorrow he will be radioactive for a number of hours. He will be having a pet scan to determine his surgical options in a few weeks. This may well be the final phase we are moving into for remission.

Things can only go up from here.

Happy Memorial day

I have been chided by a work friend for not forcing and creating memories between Jon and I.

i wouldn't say that we weren't, certainly not intentionally, but I can tell you that the illness has largely prevented us from some of the routine things that we used to do together.

Today, one my best girlfriends invited us over to cook out. He cannot eat solid food, but we went anyway.

What she figured would happen was that he would sya the upright bass in the corner or the piano and we would lose both he and Lizz.

Well she was right. And thank Goodness.

He really needed the music today. He lit up. Like a tree. At Christmas.

Lit up - I'm not kidding.

I wasn't in the room part of the time, but he called me in at one point and asked me to play a chord progression on the pano for him ( all my music friends can please stop the laughing now... ) and after a few tries, I did finally get it.

Then he moved onto to something else. So I sat and listened. sometimes I sang what I could remember of the tunes ( they weren't his usual because he canoot sing those things).

But he did play You are the susnshine of my life. I was touched because I love that song.

We re-established the connection even if he was being a bit of a plick with me. the eye contact was there. The connetion was back.

I was relieved.

When we got home, he flipped open the Beatles Orchestra scores that he has to Filling a Hole. Turne the light on and called me in from the kitchen.

"Play this" he says.

"Umm... OK" I think - I haven't heard this tune in a long time so this is going to be interesting.... key of F, ummmm not too hard...OK....

We start playing, he gets his guitar and the two of us start jamming... It was so much fun. Just us.

Then hs says.... "I beat you up pretty bad at Ellie's today. I wanted to give you something to play that would make you realize that you DO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING - I've just been doing it longer...."

I had my back to him but I turned and looked at him and smiled.

" You did beat me up. But it wasn't bad. It just pointed out to me that there are stil things that I need to tighten up - I'm better than I was but nowhere hear where I need to be in music theory.... No wonder I had trouble in college theory!"

Then the doorbell rang.

My neighbor next door is probably the lightest sleeper I know. He's also one of the best people I know. So last week when he slipped the note under my door about the TV volume at night on the day that I had my car accident, I was not as responsive as I normally am.

So we had a nice chat. He felt badly for bringing it up and I felt badly that he was losing sleep. We have a great relationship, thank goodness. I do not understand how his other neighbors can be so. umm, high maintenance.

Then he realized that Jon was really not rebounding well. He and I talked a bit about the disease the course it has taken. He got teary eyed... so I took him out to the hall and gave him a hug.

When I returned, Jon wanted to know what happened. So I told him. He looked at me and said "Now I am going to write HIM a note and he'll really get misty when he reads it!"

We both laughed but then we talked about how he had said how he hates when bad things happen to good people and how Jon is such a good guy and how we deserve each other because we are such good people and how unfair and unjust the whole thing is.

And all of that is true.

tomorrow is round two of Chemo. We Pray that the ant-nausea meds made it to facilty otherwise we are going to have a hideous week. They can't be sent to a pharmacy they must go directly to the hospital.

I do not expect this round to go as smoothly as the last one but I pray that it does. I pray he regains his voice and I pray he doesn't lose his hearing.

And then I just pray for us and for life.

Music of my heart

You'll never know, what you've done for me
What your faith in me, has done for my soul
You'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
Through the days ahead I'll think of days before
You made me hope for something better
And made me reach for something more

My best friend has taught me a lot of things. It was ironic. I was re-fitting a slip cover to the couch last night and he was cooking dinner, and we were just idly discussing the documentary we had been watching about de-criminalizing illegal drugs.

It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have never watched so many documentaries as I have since he came along. I've enjoyed and learned tons from most of them.

With that, I have noticed that I have seriously given thought to, and re-formed my opinions on many social and political issues of our time. Of course, I haven't gotten a personality transplant or anything. As I have always done, I see the other persons point of view, but it doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them.

We have full discussions about the state of our union, religious views, drugs, prostitution, rape, the prison system, slavery, prejudice, gangs, the homeless, medical insurance and socialized medicine...

Seriously - these are not conversations I tend to engage in. Not never, but not wanting to do battle as a rule, I stay away from these topics. We don't do battle though we don't always see eye to eye. The thing is I have learned that many of my opinions are based on my own personal fears.

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart (music of my heart)

He has also taught me to free up the music in me and not be locked into the one thing I know how to do. Having made the observation that I am afraid to disappoint him and embarrass the seasoned performer, he has not pushed me hard. However, he also observed that every single thing he has asked me to pick up and learn I have picked up and done.

To my surprise, I am actually becoming a much better musician because of him. I am certainly more well rounded in this area and I am retaining my classical side as well.

Our voice blend like we were born to sing together. I am ever surprised when I hear us. It always makes me smile when he asks me in social settings to grab the high harmonies and please sing louder!

You were the one, always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing (made me sing)
I'm singing this for you
Everywhere I go, I'll think of where I've been
And all of ones who knew me better then any One ever will again

I'm told I'm a strong person. While I know that that is fundamentally true, I don't feel that way most of the time.

I feel in many ways, stronger because of him an sometimes weaker because I rely on him. I don't mean these things in negative ways. Having him at my defense, having him need me and vice versa- these are the things that go along with any relationship of substance from friendship to marriage to any partnership. I know this, but it's strange. Until it's the right kind of partnership with the right person, those things feel wrong. With us, they come almost naturally. Without a second thought.

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You opened my eyes
you opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart

There are aspects of this partnership that I love and wouldn't trade and some that I miss from before. Though I have faith that all will come right in the end, for the time being things are going just fine.

He has taught me so much about the person I was, the person I am and the person I am becoming. I feel that though things are murky now they are clearer than they have ever been. I feel that the highs and lows of the past year, while harsh and difficult, lead us to this place. and for a very specific reason.

What you've taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me before

'Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free

He forced down that wall when no one else could. He broke the barriers, and forced me, gently, to see that I was capable of love. He taught me that I had to start taking better care of me and not necessarily sacrificing my happiness for someone Else's. OK - I haven't QUITE mastered that last one but here's to effort!

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Helped me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Helped me hear the music of my heart

You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart
Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart

I write this today, because after 1 year, he has finally been to see the doctor. He has a mass pressing against his carotid artery and it is causing him enormous amounts of pain an some more alarming side affects. He has had it biopsied and Tuesday we get the results.

Though I am trying to remain positive and not jump to any conclusions, my mind does wander into that dangerous territory of "what if" once in a while. The thing is, from a purely selfish point a view, I haven't had him long enough. I'm not ready to let him go. If sheer acts of love and will and positive thinking can do anything at all - I'm all in. In fact, now that I have put it down on my blog I think I can let go of that forbidden place and completely focus on him being OK. Needing minimal treatment. Staying around.

He mentioned the other day, that commitment is committing to do the hard day to day work in addition to the big things. The problems of the living so to speak.

I am worried. I am prayerful. I am thankful.

He's the music in my heart.

Music brings us back together

I did something without realizing it today.

I let my best friend take my IPOD on the train to the city today.

We have the same one in the color. So I don't think I realized that he took it with him.

I have what I will affectionately call an eclectic selection of music on there.

He will undoubtedley make fun of me when it comes up in discussion. There are a lot of songs on there that are... well... I'll go with trite and he would say something that's probably a tad more colorful than I am willing to write here.

At the same time, there are a lot of great tunes on there too.... including my own recital. And his.

So it was with some surprise that upon his return, he mentioned that I had a song on there that he wanted to do with the band for weddings.

What.

Now - it's a sad state of affairs that I had a brief moment of panic that he saw what was on my ipod.

I decided that it was stupid. He was going to see it eventually. who cares.

He already knows how my taste in music is. I get the "What am I gonna do with you?" question a lot.

All of this took place in about 2 seconds.

Then we worked on 2 tunes.

My new keyboard is coming at the end of the week - YIPPEE!!!!! I cannot wait.

This new duet is really starting to take off. I am really excited.

Because MUSIC is where we started.

Getting What I want

I don't know what is wrong with me.

The things I want most in the world, the things I work hard for and want.... so badly....

I get them and don't know what to do with them.

Take music.

I cannot for the life of me understand why it is that a group of people dislike me. I don't. I am nice person. I am really great to work with because I don't criticize or make directors look bad in front of the group. If I feel strongly about something I take it offline, privately, and address it there.

So It came as a neat little surprise today to realize - again - that my dad's group, while he was alive, is restructuring their board to make sure I never get on it.

Now I have to ask what the hell is this about? I didn't need or want that info, but not being the person who shoots the messenger, I just swallowed it and walked away.

The bottom line there is I will be section leader, I will sing, I will get and do the solos. But that's it. This is the dumbest group of supposed adults I have ever seen in my life.

Still on the music topic. I have the opp to sing with my best friend. Something I have wanted to do for 10 years. I have been eagerly learning and listeninng to the high parts on the catalog entries he's given me ( Yes Bernie a lot of the ones we were having fun with the other night). We have a lot to practice together as I have been working on them several times a day every day.

But I'm unsure of myself with him. I don't doubt my ability, or my training or anything like that. I just doubt myself with him because I am afraid that I won't do a good job. He thinks I am crazy and how will we know if we don't practice. He's right. Of course he's right.

I told him he has to stop throwing his exwife around on this. she was his music partner as much as she was his wife. He hasn't sung with anyone else since and the thing that I keep hearing is that she was incredibly intuitive and heard parts that most people miss and that kind of thing.

Very unnerving - especially since, until this commentary came about, I don't have a first wife complex.

I don't think that I do now - I would have this problem whether he was married to her or not. More about me and my insecurity.

I think I am going to see about doing something over the weekend during the day. I have to bite the bullet to know whether I Can really do the job.

I do believe I can. I have a great sense for the harmonies, I have perfect pitch - this should be a no brainer other than the fact that he's a perfectionist.

Sometimes getting what you want requires more work to hold onto it than in getting it.

The pillars

Pillar 1.

Well the job officially changed this afternoon.

I report to a new manager - that appears on the surface to be good news.

I will be doing the same basic job with one major componant removed - making my job actually easier on some levels.

But the down side is it leaves me open to layoff. A sitting duck if you will. When you are one of many and they need to cut heads....

I keep reviewing the things that are not going in an acceptable manner and trying to figure out how to move things along for the better.

Pillar 2

I spoke to the Pres of the group I sing with tonight. He had promised that he was appointing me to the board to fill a vacancy. The current VP ( the witch from other posts) has done a marvelous job of slandering me and 3 members out of 5 objected to appointment based on, as it turns out, nothing. What was said about me was that I am not capable of doing a good job and that I don't follow through and complete my tasks.

Hello? I am a project manager by trade. Not finishing tasks would get me fired.

Oh snap. wait.

I just had a major job change didn't I?

Hmmm.

Pillar 3

My relationship is not going well. I really don't know whats happening but we are on the Pulling back phase right now. Space - yes. Time - yes. Frustration - yes. I am hurting because of this. Largely because I really do not understand what I did or didn't do to cause this or what in general is happening to cause this whether it was me or not. It's been two months. And it's been really rough. Ironically - nobody wants to leave - which is always hopeful. I try to focus on the good things and let the so-so ones go. But at the end of the day, right now, I feel like we have taken a step backwards. I understand what caused THAT and we have discussed that. But it's really hard for me.

At the end of the day, what my heart and mind keep circling back to is maybe I'm not as good at my job as I thought. I've been doing it for 15 years and I had the top customer in my company for 4 of those. But maybe I'm not that good. when you are told you aren't doing a good enouogh job often enough and long enough - you start to believe it.

Now it's ad enough that I am dealing with this at work, but now the singing group that I have been with for 12 years is basically telling me the same thing now on an administrative post. Now I know it's crap, but the same kind of commentary has come up in a second place. With almost the same words - only none of them know my work life so they couldn't know that. Accident? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then you factor in the difficulties I am encountering in my romantic life. My brain continues to circle around what I did or did not do to cause any one of these three pillars to crumble and fall like this.

My whole psyche hurts. I can't figure out how I went from being such a strong woman who is good at her job and valued by her customer, sings professionally and is valued as a volunteer in her singing groups and loved by her best friend in the world to being the weak, unqualified and undervalued employee, a singer who can't hold a simple administrative function like writing the English language to take notes, and the woman who just feels like a burden now.

Which one is the real me???? I don't think I even know anymore.

A life in Flux

There is nothing quite so scary as having the major pillars of your life in flux.

At the same time.

My company is going through a reorg and while I am assured there are no layoffs in the immediate future, within the next 30-60 days my job will change dramatically.

I tend to take a "wait and see" towards that as it has never gone "bad" before when they have done this. IN this case , I will most likely be reporting to someone else, the player to be named later if you will.

I am trying to remain optomistic in this and taking the stance of "Don't worry and fret before you have something to worry and fret about".

I don't do it well but I am trying.

Meanwhile, the relationship is not going well. Communication is hit and miss which is actually an improvement over the complete NON-communication that was going on before. I've noticed some subtle things that go to the good and some that go to the less than good of late. My own mood has contributed to that as much as my best friend's. I want more, and he is not ready yet. I am being smothering in order to hold on to what's there, and he's pulling away. So I stopped it. All of it. I am not only not smothering him, I am giving the space that we both need here. It's a perspective thing. And it's hard for me. I am not good at playing "hard to get".

Music isn't going so well either. on some levels its better than ever, but the same old problem keeps cropping up.

The short version on all of this is, when my life comes apart at the seams like this, it's usually a sign that something needs to change.

In these cases, I believe that this is a chain reaction. One thing goes south, and they all do. I think if my job straightens out, I'll be better equipped emotionally to do the heavy lifting that needs to be done on the other two. Right now, I am so drained from lack of sleep and lack of nutrients that all I want to do is lay down. I force myself to exercize. I force myself to eat SOMETHING whether I am hungry or not. I try to make it productive. I work the required hours and follow my personal schedule to the letter.

But my heart's not in it. Nor is my brain. All I want to do is cut and run from my life. Leave it all behind and start again. But the reality is, if I Can't make it work in this life, what makes me think that I can do it in another? So I don't cut and run. I stay and try to fight it out.

But this time it's different. I've lost my fight. I'm tired. bone tired. I don't want to fight. I just want to "be".

It won't be this way forever, in fact, sooner rather than later I will be in a better position to know if I want to leave this company or not. Which is good. The general consensus right now is that the change that is being proposed is actually going to make life BETTER for us. My staff has come forward and mentioned that they are all managing a level of anxiety through medication. I was shocked to know that. It's unreal. That a company of this magnitude can instill such fear and manipulation that this is the rule rather than the exception. We have had two people under the age of 40 DIE this year of sudden heart attacks. NO warning, no heart related activitiy prior. Just died. One left a small child behind. Did this wake up my management? NO.

And that's why I am willing to wait out the change because the pressure wi be relieved. Of course, if it isn't, I am already researching other positions within this company and others to move to.

I think that in the past two years, the job has been so stressful for me and the others who work for this person, that its become impossible for me to put the required energy into dealing with and managing the other aspects of my life when they go into flux. Consequently, everything came to a head and all I can do is hide.

Largely this is my own fault. I tried to make a bad situation work post merger for me and my team. The reality is that the new mgmt didn't ever want it to work. Because the environment that they came from is so different, and the merger was handled very unusually, our lives have become hell. I should have put an end date on it sooner, but my reviews were glowing so why would I do that?

There are tons of reasons why I stay but I think the most important one is that I hate change and I am afraid of the unknown. In everything. I will stay in a bad situation rather than take a risk. 'Better the devil you know' attitude.

Except in love. I was willing to give this person another chance and while it's not going well right now, I do think we can get backk to that with some effort. My problem is that I just don't have the strength and he doesn't either. For the same sets of reasons.... So space is the answer for now, we are still together, just giving some breathing room to heal from outside influences. This was a HUGE step for me. I don't do this. I don't even know how! But something is guiding me, not always correctly, but something is guiding me.

I just need another ounce of faith.

Weirdness

I have always suspected that the man I would spend my life with would be different and the relationship would be anything but normal.


I also knew - and I mean knew - that I would be tested by God and this man in very unique and special ways.


I have to admit trying desparately to take the easy way out. I have dated scores of men inside my and above my income level, I have dated scores of men equal to and above my intelligence level. I have dated very few musicians, but the ones I dated were very carefully selelcted by my psyche subconsciously.


I am all about tradition. I want the house with the proverbial picket fence, minus the kids and dog. Substitute peace and quiet and the ability to sleep in and some cats and we're golden.


What I have learned about myself and about God is, there is no easy way out and you really cannot help who you fall in love. I have discovered that when I realized who I truly loved, he was smarter than I am, a far superior musician in some respects but not all, more life experience ( of course that comes with age) and many many other traits. Most importantly, kindness and the ability to make me laugh, and oh my gosh, do I laugh like hell.


Being with a musician, a working one, is wonderful. It's also hard and stressful and takes a lot of trust and faith.


But It's not instinctive. Not for one second. I think it takes MORE faith and MORE trust than the ordinary relationships that I have been in . I'm not going to lie and tell you that I am any good at those things either. Hence the tests.


I get uptight about the women. I admit it. But I realized something. He wouldn't mention it at all, if it were important. It's an amazing ego boost for a man who thinks little of himself when he has so much that he offers and so freely gives of himself. And lord there are so many of them that it's hard for a guy to not look.

It's all about the communication. As long as thee dialogue is going on, things are goinig to be OK.

A quick update on the music

I just received a call ( yes I just hung up now after 30 minutes) from the new director of the group I have been with for 15 years.

For all intents and purposes, his goal was to convince and entice me to stay and to that end, he asked me to audition for the solo's and to please consider being section head.

Section head has morphed into a bigger job than the attendance that it used to be. It is now reviewing and moving seats around to keep the weak in front, the strong in back and the middle, well, in the middle.

It will be compensated in some fashion yet to be determined.

He was blissfully unaware until this week that the diva had control issues and wasn't going to rest until she drove me out.

He is not only aware of it now, but planning to slowly take things from her to re-balance the control throughout the group.

The fact is, if it weren't for her, I wouldn't have left. But left unchecked, I can't make my peace with being there. I am willing to give it winter and re-evaluate.

This group is near and dear to my heart. This is a family legacy for me. Leaving was the only way I could have musical peace.

I don't expect to have that peace back immediately, however, I think that this could work out. I will give it my best shot through the end of the year and see where we are in the spring.

He's a nice and talented man. I don't think that he really had any idea - or needed to care - about the stupid political machinations of this group. I told him that I wouldn't have mentioned these issues to him if the president of the board hadn't already done so as this should not be something to concern himselff with. He has bigger fish to fry.

And the diva thinks that I am Unprofessional?

I still turn up my nose, and laugh french-like, at her.... because I can.

Had chest pains yesterday.

I noticed that they were not pains really, but not pressure. When I took a deep breath, it felt as if someone had a finger in my rib cage.

This went on most of the week, but was worse on Friday.

So, I went to see the Doctor.

Who told me to calm the hell down.

Backing up....

When we last left the Contessa, she was stressed out badly at work, had a slight bump in her relationship that was more or less her issue and was taking steps to relieve the stress of her extra-curricular music activities.

Update:

Work - still not good. Leader is micromanaging to the point where he is talking to my team as well as to myself like we are in Mickey Mouse Club.

Bel Canto - Herr Direktor is supposed to be calling me to ask me to stay, be section leader and to please audition for the solos.

relationship - Contessa apologized for not being as strong as she normally is, finally 'fessed up to the stress she has been under. The bf called last night, and showed up with wine for her, BK for him and Band of Brothers for the two of them. He spent the night, things were still tense, but it's residual and will go away.

Fast Forward:

I thought that the chest Discomfort would go away when 2 out of three things were solved. Nope. They didn't relieve until this evening and that's because I am not working. So the discomfort is actually work related. I am going to see Louise to see if there is something I can do, take, whatever that will assist in calming me down.

On a side note - I have discovered that Mederma is an amazing invention. Having severe stretch marks under my arms from my eczema, they are clearing up rapidly. I'm really happy about this. Amazing stuff with a unique smell. Not bad, just odd.

Another side note - red wine does assist in the calming down process, just keep the volume minimal.... ;-) the hangover's a bitch.

A last side note, had a really good conversation with Am today. We had a lot of fun and we covered a wide variety of topics. She made the observation that she too, tends to be mad at herself when she can't be strong for someone else. And she made the wise point that we are only human and sometimes our reactions are normal and sometimes all things aren't equal and the same information could just hit wrong. I hate that I wasn't the "rock" that I normally was. But I recognize that I am human and I feel OK about it. I did apologize to him for not being strong enough to handle it that day and in light of the other things that happened to me this week, he did understand that, but we are still "recovering" from it.

Not recognizing worth

As I have mentioned, I quit the performance ensemble that I belonged to for 15 years. It was a hard decision but it needed to be done.

The fact is I was not being recognized for my value and my worth. Quite clearly, the diva can cover all of it so why should I continue to beat myself over the head and pay money to be unhappy? Logical.

So I quit.

My job however I can't do that with. At least not now. The fact is, My boss got recognized for his value and his worth on my project. No disrespect to him, but he couldn't have managed his way out of paper bag on this. It was custom, it was difficult and the customer did not have a clue. So add that with the fact that my manager is a figurehead, that would have been the single biggest mess ever.

I was supposed to have been recognized but they gave it to my boss instead.

Two places that mean a lot to me have made it clear that I am not worthy.

Then the whore got back into my life again. she called him ( he didn't take the call) and emailed him twice saying not haing him in her life as a friend is unbearable. While on paper, this doesn't have anything to do with me, and I realize that, this is however marginally upsetting and it's all about the timing. You see, I had that creepy feeling early in the day, like someone was walking over my grave, and the words from one of her emails to him back in May crept into my brain. Something I hadn't thought about SINCE then. That was the moment that he was reading the email from her. So the combo made me uneasy and caused an entire evening of strain between us.

I did apologize and he did call me out on her being the problem. I acknowledged it and we discusssed a bit. I am not angry at him. He did nothing wrong. Telling me about it is not a bad thing. I just couldn't get out of fmy own head on it and it hasn't bothered me in quite awhile. I would rather not prohibit him from discussing things that are on his mind.

In reference to the emails andn calls, I told him that my preference was that he not respond. He didn't.

I'm angry at myself for this. I should be trusting in myself more. I don't. My self esteem is taking a big hit of late. I didn't realize how bad it was until this occurred.

What pisses me off so much is - I KNOW I AM WORTH MORE AND THE VALUE I BRING TO MY JOB, THAT CHORAL GROUP and MY RELATIONSHIP.... is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yet, others choose not to see it.

Everything is clearly a popularity contest. Even at this age.

Happiness is....

Your choice.

Pick the thing that makes you happy.

You are not limited to one thing.

and it can't be anything from that song.

Seriously.

Sage advice from the ever brilliant Maple mama runs to my brain whenever doubt sets in.

I can translate it into three words.

Ride the wave.

I have another friend who is 25 and just got engaged. I sang with her in the group I just tendered my tentative resignation.

I sent her an email that explained what happened and how I felt about it. She sent back a lovely note that said " you need to do the things that make you smile... and I should take my own advice!".

I thought about this for a couple of days. I am happy. I have someone in my life who makes me smile, who reassures me when I have doubts, even when they may be about myself or him ( regardless of whether he even knows), I took my music and pared it down to the things that I love and cut out the crap that I don't need nor want.

I decided that if something isn't working in my life or someone isn't working in my life, I need to fix it or get rid of it.

I've discovered that i have no patience for stupid shit. I can't stand the popularity contest, or competition over something that isn't a competition in the first place. I don't want to get dramatic over anything that doesn't involve me or someone that I love who needs to feel defended.

So after listening to K's advice and Maple Mama's, I realized that it's better to have less and be happy with it than more and be miserable and busy.

What I like about this new plan, it gives me back some of my own time.... that's the real blessing!

I'm home

For the first time this weekend, I am in my house.

This weekend has been a marathon not a sprint.

First, Friday night I had the talent show from hell. This was supposed to start at 7 and started 20 minutes late for reasons I can't fathom.

The show, which only had 14 acts less than 5 mins each, proceeded to take 2 hours and 30 minutes plus 2 30 minute intermissions.

My act was second to last.

I didn't win, I didn't plan to win, I was there to add filler acts to a HS talent show.

By the time I got home, I could b arely put a coherent sentence together and the joke for the night was " I didn't realize that this was a sleepover talent show - I would have brought my sleeping bag!"

Yesterday , I ran like a lunatic and did all my errands, then had dinner with my best girlfriend and her hubby.

I got home around 9.

Today, I went to church, I had lunch with Bernie, and went to the bar to hear my best friend play. Then I taught an hour lesson, verbally resigned from the group that I sing with. I walked into my house at 8PM.

Here's the deal on the resignation. The reality is, I don't need to pay money to be irritated and angry. When I really reviewed why I was staying, it ultimately got round to two things. One, I was staying to keep the diva from getting what she really wanted ( me gone) and two, emotional ties to my dad and uncle who founded it. Letting the Diva win, believe it or not, was the harder thing to let go.

Once I made the decision though, I didn't feel anything. Not anything bad. I felt release. YOu would think after 12 years wtih this group that I would miss it or feel something.

But no.

Nothing.

Making the decision was harder than carrying it out.

I feel badly that I did it on a voice mail, but too bad. I came home, and am doing some chores. Then I'll have some light snack and a bath, then to bed.

It's really appealing and my December, as Bernie pointed out, is one concert performance lighter.

I miss the relaxing weekends though.

Some Days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed

And that, my friends, was today.

From the minute I actually got out of bed, this day TANKED.

I won't elaborate on the work parts because, well, while they sucked, its really just another day in the life. BUT.

It did contribute to the murderous rage I was feeling by 5PM.

I was actually angry at that, because my kids that I teach do not deserve to have to put up with my rages at my life.

I was tempted to cancel and thought it would be a better growth opportunity for me to work through it.

So, in the midst of having quite to work day, I jump to a realization of information I have had since Saturday.

No, I am NOT slow, but I did shelve it.

I sing with a group that was founded by Uncle and carried by my dad till he passed. At that point we hired a young director roughly my age but did not renew his contract after the first year was over to a conflict in vision. Brilliant musician, just not for this group. Then we hired my voice coach ( who wasn't at the time) and he stayed with us for 3 years. He opted not to renew his contract this year.

Through All this, I had been on the board of directors. At some point, the diva became threatened by me and as she does in any competitive situation, she had me removed from the board by campaigning. She wasn't on the slate but opted to do a write in for herself as she felt that I had been on the board for too long.

Well. I was upset, but then realized I had hte best of all possible worlds, I could sing, attend meetings if I wanted but had no actual responsibility. Yes... this has definite possibilities.

So I went on happily in this fashion, getting my solos and singing beautiful music.

Then our director resigns and the "new" board hires a new one.

He's excellent. Talented, reasonable and fun. Yes he is very good for us.

But I'm not happy. I attended 3 out 5 rehearsals. But I'm not happy.

I really sat down and thought about it this week.

The reason that I'm not happy has nothing to do the director.

You see, in my section I am the most qualified person to be section leader. But I can't. Because of my last name.

I am the most qualified person to hold board position of Music Librarion. But I can't. Because of my last name.

I would be qualified to direct this group. But I can't. Because of my last name.

Are we seeing a pattern here?

The people in power right now got there by default and empty promises. ( sounds a little bit like our government does it not?)

They are threatened by people who are actually talented, motivated and do the work.

So, one of the newer board members is a woman I will call the name dropper. She is sad soul who feels her worth is made up by the people she knows.

She made the mistake of mentioning, in a board meeting that I did not attend, that her sister was a far superior flautist to me and if we are hiring professionals, her sister is the better choice.

Now I ask you. If you said this to a board about someone and one of that person's parents were on the board.... would that make you smart? would you think shrewd?

Or is that just STUPID????

The phone rang off the hook as 2/3 of the board ratted her out.

So I wrote her this email today.

Dear Name Dropper:

It has come to my attention, through several sources, that you feel your sister is a far superior flautist than I am. While it is your opinion and I respect your right to have it, I would suggest that, in the future, before you critique my performance, you may want to make sure you have actually heard it. As a professional musician, I have extensive degree's and credentials in this area and I take offense to unqualified criticism.

Best Regards,

The Contessa.

The tap dance that I got back was as follows:

Contessa,

I in no way meant any offense to your abilities as a flautist, and I have heard you play at last year's concert. You did a very good job. My concern is that if we are putting together a professional ensemble, we should get performers where instrumental performing is their forte. If you have that experience, my apologies. Your strength, in my opinion, is singing. The evidence for that is your well-deserved solos. I further don't understand why you would pay to be in a chorus and then want to play with the ensemble instead of singing. I personally would not want to be in a chorus and then end up playing an instrument for half the concert. I would find other outlets for my instrumental interests.

I cannot deny the fact that I do not know your degrees, credentials and experience. I do know my sister's extensive resume. I also have to admit to being partial to my sister, who is also a professional musician

I also apologize that you even heard any of this. In my opinion, people have to learn when to keep their mouths shut. Feel free to inform those "several sources" that I said so.

I hope we can consider this a small blip in our relationship.

Regards,

Name Dropper

Now, You may be wondering what credentials she has to make these determinations at all???

Well this is pretty big.

None.

Yes, that's right. Not one flippin thing.

This is why I am considering leaving the group.

No Not this ONE instance. This is the straw that broke the camels back. But because I am not valued here. The director, who doesn't know me, has now been subjected to hearing criticism of my many talents by the immature 50+ year old women who are so threatened that they trash anyone. I have stayed this long to keep them from turning on a younger more talented woman in my group. She is a brilliant young coloratura and I kind of protect her a bit from this crap.

She can handle them though. Better than I can actually. I took a page from her book on this.

I don't need to pay money to sing with a group that penalizes me for being the daughter of a great musician and the great niece of famous composer. I don't need to pay money to sing in a group that penalizes me for being a professional regardless of how I am being treated. I don't need to spend money to sing period. I get paid. elsewhere.

I can also more money and sing with a more musical, more professional and much higher caliber group with a demanding director who always delivers a spectacular performance whether I agree with her solo choices or not. If we get yelled at, it's because, we are not doing something right and it's usually as a group not an individual.

Now to be fair, I have a lightly harder audition each season because of my dad. Not that I am judged more harshly, but I am criticized more than most because of the potential that she knows is in me. I am not thrilled about it, but I am OK with it.

I went to that rehearsal tonight. And I viewed it through different eyes. I could make my home here. I really could. Not singing with the other group would also gain me access to the philharmonic again.

We were 30 minutes late to this rehearsal. We got applause for walking in at all. She's not usually that kindly.... normally I would be lacking a finger at the minimum, a full limb at the max. But she was kind and funny.

I really think I could make this my home. No more bullshit.

what a refreshing concept.

I spoke to Pat the president of the romper room group. I had stuck it out this long for him as he needed support in the masses. I told him I would have a decision by the end of the week. I won't leave them hanging. But I don't see why I should stay. I can't envision a reason to stay at this point. It hurts that I am being penalized for being related to 2 amazing , albeit deceased, musicians. And it bothers me more that the diva feels she has to behave this way in order to move ahead.

A director of mine once said "the person who is assertive moves up and ahead bringing those beneath him up with him. An Agressive person is one who steps on those beneath him on his way up."

The diva can't make it on her own. She has recruited some henchmen to help her in her quest, but the fact remains that if she, at 51 years of age, had the self assurance and confidence, I wouldn't have a post to write tonight on this topic.

On the high side of the day. I had Candy corn for dinner. And I won an ebay auction for something special for my sweetie.

Both things happened AFTER I got home.

The day ended more peacefully than it started.

Do what feels right

In the soft glow of the computer, I looked at the expression in my email and I thought about it. Really hard.

I was still in my "bar clothes" as I went to hear my best friend's band play and normally I am not allowed because he feels like he has to entertain me and he's "working". that's no longer the case, and I am free to roam the bar while he plays. This is largely due to the connection we have, he always finds me by sight and we have an entire private conversation with our eyes during their sets.

This is the real reason I am not allowed to come down - the connection. It was first discovered at this bar 5 -6 years ago and in order for him to be effective he needs it. I can't explain it to you and I wouldn't even try. It just is what it is.

First thing he did, was come back and kiss me hello. My lord, in public too. I almost passed out dead - so did the groupies....

Then he gave me some news that on the surface seems negative, but here's where it felt right.

He came om early from his north shore gig last night, packed up everything that had been given to him or was, the Whore's, including the only picture, wrote a letter and dumped everything unceromoniously at her house on the lawn.

Yes, I would say that it sounds childish. On the other hand, I call it closure.

Taking you back in time, to June and July. after the big gesture of "I want permission to call you every day", there was radio silencee for two weeks. The first thing I did, was take everything and pack it into a box and prepare it to be shipped 2 miles away from my home to his. That day, he showed up at the door. He had moved into his brother's because his brother had had a feeding tube in and he was the only one who had been trained to feed and it was absolute mayhem. He was so sorry he really was unable to call as he had no help. Given the way things are right now, in the present, quite clearly he was forgiven. And he still chose to do the work he needed to do to keep me.

I have always said, from the beginning that what she did to him, he did to me. I broke the cycle in June because I couldn't deal with that anymore. He just broke the cycle with her. He was hoping she would do for him, what he did for me. And when it was clear that that wasn't going to happen, he called it done - perhaps not the most mature of ways - but he put his closure in place.

He was angry and hurt when I saw him last night, but he didn't take it out on me. More importantly, these decisions and closure were made for HIM not for ME.... but as he put it, I did cross his mind on the way home form the gig and it sort of spurred him on. So I guess I was motivation in some small way.

Doing what feels right? He spent too much time talking up an aging groupie. I could do an entire post on groupies and their age..... I guess there's a post if I ever run out of material. When he came back around to where the keyboardist and I were chatting.... he pulled me aside and apologized. He was on a self destructive streak for a moment given the events in the past 24 hours, looked over, saw Mike and I talking, and politely excused himself to come back to me. And offered the apology.

What I am trying to say, is, doing what is right for me, means he has to help me grow in some areas, and he is. And I have to help grow in others, and I am. This is the one. I am sure of it. And I can tell you that I have never been sure of that in my whole entire life. This is big for me.

When I mentally reviewed the actions over the past few months, I saw the trend. It's as bright as if it were lit with each step. The that we are on, can only move forward.

"Do what feels right"

Four little words that mean so much.

"Do what feels right" - Scale Mistress

Thank you, Scale Mistress - it was good food for thought. It made me evaluate what's happening and made me realize that I have been.... and will continue to be.

Uneasy

I have had a week of revelations. not all good.

First, I spoke to a friend of mine on Sunday who knew something about the Choral group that is recruiting me.

She mentioned that the director was a bit of a tyrant and she wouldn't work with her. If I didn't care, that was my choice, but she wanted me to know going in. Not sure I can do two tyrants a week....

The update there is that they rehearse on Tuesday nights and I am locked into a recording contract through mid February and all those rehearsals are on Tuesday nights. Which is a bummer for me. I very much wanted to try this kind of singing and it seems like a lot of fun. Maybe in February and I will inquire about seasonal singing with them.

Secondly. I put 5 lbs on that don't seem to want to leave. I know why they are there and I know what I need to do and I am just frustrated. Don't mind me, I just need to bitch a bit.

So I am putting my exercize routine back in place tomorrow. Two times a day. No discussions. No ifs' ands or butts.... pun TOTALLY intended.

I have a friendship that's slowly dying and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I guess I need to let it go. So to that end, I have decided that the last phone call I made this past week i sthe last one . I can't change this now but I left a somewhat sarcastic message out of frustration for lack of contact for which I am sorry.

But my perception is that I am carrying it alone and I can't do it anymore, and you can't know how it kills me inside as I feel like I am the failure here. I have done everything that I know to do to keep a friendship alive and flourishing long distance and in the end, I am the one who failed her. I couldn't reach her to tell her this live in person, and I won't send it in an email. If she reads this, I'm so sorry. I loev you and I'm sorry I failed you in this. I won't contact you or bother you anymore, but I am here if you need me, you just need to reach out. I'll miss you.

Which brings me to my current problem. Periodically, I suffer from this feeling of failure. In the case above, it's kind of true. But usually it's in my own head.

I feel like I am not the best person that I should be. I recently won an award for ALS Chairperson for the Kiwanis club. I was thrilled. And I don't feel like I deserve it. At all. So I am bothered by that. I know the family would tell me I am crazy.

I feel like my weight problems are another source of failure. Oh no matter that I took off 25 lbs. I still don't feel like it's enough.

I feel incompetent at work - why ??? Because my boss treats me like I am. How long are you treated badly before you believe it's true?

I don't feel in slightest bit attractive due to some criticsm of late. Doctors and friends and what not. I have skin atrophy on my face from overuse of steroids. Could I be any more of an idiot? I , of all people, know better. it's getting better but not fast enough. My own vanity caused it - isn't that sad???

My house is surface wise fine - you would never know that under the surface lies a mass of unorganized chaos. I am working on that.

Maybe at the young age of thirty - something, I am having a midlife crisis. And I am on the brink of getting the exact things that I want. So explain this situation to me. Someone.

I am a very intense and dramatic person, despite my attempts to not be. I have given up trying to be what I am not and am concentrating on being a better version of who am. Sometimes, in the explorations, that means I have doubts about myself. I don't feel worthy of the people in my life and I then suffer some insecurities.

My issues here are largely communication related and fear driven. I know this and recognize it and am trying very hard to make those problems go away. I have some plans for this. OH and I am not patient. I'm better at it, but I am not patient.

I'm just uneasy. Ill at ease.

and this too shall pass.

When you're up you're UP

I was flying yesterday.

Not literally but I might as well have been.

I spent the day with my best friend at Jenna's house. We discussed the latest events and are excited about them. we played music for the twins and sang. we had coffee and talked. It was relaxing and fun.

Then I came home and got ready for my gig. It was amazing. I had so much fun. I sang "Fly me to the moon", "The way you look tonight", "The lady is a tramp", "let's fall in love", "Almost like being in love", "Can this be love", "Till there was you", "Somewhere", "Memory" ( I hate that one), "the Girl from Ipanema" and for my main number I did "At long last love".

It was wonderful.

You know what made it wonderful? My Best Friend showed up after his gig. That meant a lot to me. I took him around the room to say hello to all of our friends. He told me I looked beautiful. We caught up with everyone, had our picture taken. We were both offered another gig at this church's pasta-rama in February.

He has more tests today. I am still concerned but he has some antibiotics that they are hoping may help. I am thinking that this is some kind of infection and hoping that's all it is. Praying actually. A lot, hard and often.

The dilemma

I have been invited to sing at a dinner dance.

It's the same one I went to a year ago. Only this time, I was invited to perform.

The dilemma, the title of this post, is in choosing a song.

I needed to pick something age appropriate ( average age is going to be older than my parents), something known but maybe not mainstream, topic of love, peace and kind of hoo ha.

I picked 3 standards with the help of my friend Professor Higgins. Pun intended - it was his favorite role.

• Can this be love - performed most notably by Rosemary Clooney
• At long Last love - performed most notably by Sinatra, Bennett, Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin - pick the one you like and that's the tune. Also used in the movie Return to me
• Almost like being in love - Again performed by the same list above but written for Brigadoon the musical written by the same clowns who wrote Wicked.

I waffle between them as the tunes come to me.

Today is D day. I have to have a decision by noon. So I am taking them to my coach. Then to the accompanist and my trusted collegues and finally to my mom.

Wish me luck

Status Quo - "for now"

With my best friend no longer being his brothers keeper, I have found myself worrying less about him on one hand and a little bit more about us on the other. He's sufficiently starting to be on the mend for which I am grateful to God. His downward spiral, while totally predictable, was alarming.

I suppose that my worrying about us is not as critical as I thought it was, though it's not completely at bay. Last night, his first official day of freedom, he called me to bring me dinner and watch some films. I had a call that I could not miss at 8:30 for work, and he didn't even care. He slept through it. Some of the snoring intentional to get me off the phone faster.... he slept right on my lap while my team had our first call of many.

The thing that I noticed first was that in our relaxing of the vigilance we have both been observing over the past 4 months, nay, the past 5 years, was that we are both exhausted. Sleep takes on a whole new meaning. We talk about things that are of interest to both of us and he's taken more of an interest in my life and my past that he was just unable to focus on before. We did some pictures and conversation over dinner. It was entirely lovely.

Until things get to a more settled place where he has a regular job, and sadly, his brother passes, I don't expect the relationship to get where I want it to be. And I am enjoying what is happening now, while slightly uneasy because I abhor change, it's really better than it's ever been.

This has forced me to look at some things in my life that weren't working that I need to address. It's strange actually. Things you thought you had dealt with months or years ago suddenly arriving on your doorstep clamoring for your attention.

My job was the first thing to reach up and grab me in a choke hold. I am not alone in this and we are addressing it. An action plan is being put in place and a series of conf calls for planning sessions. We each have some hard thinking to do about how far we are willing to go, but there is at least a glimmer of light and hope.

The other thing is my home. I've got a commission check coming in on Friday that will enable me to catch up on a couple of things, buy my new A/C and start saving up to replace my, shhhhh, refrigerator. I bought a new gown for a formal event that my best friend is taking me too. I am madly in love with this dress and I am so excited that 23 lbs down I can fit into it.

My music has suffered unbearably and I need to get back to that. I actually brought all my books into the house from the car so I could work during the day. I have so much rep to learn and not enough hours in the day. I'm starting to get verbal about what I like and don't like and I"m standing up to it. I DO NOT want to sing anything else from "Merrily we roll along". I don't like it and that's that. I did start playing around with a new tune from Lady in the Dark called my ship.

I have to work on some of my relationships. Seriously. It's time for a little honesty here. I h have friends who hate the phone. I call them and one out of every 10-15 calls get returned. I understand the hows and whys that go into it, but its time for people to hear my side.

I myself hate email. If you got 500-700 emails per day - and that's just for work, you wouldn't want to be anywhere near it either. I make the concession for my friends sometimes, but truthfully, those of you phone haters - step up! I did, I check and answer email though I regularly wish to toss my laptop out the window by 5PM each day. And I'm on a high enough floor that it will do damage to it. I feel the same way about instant messenger. I am on 1 personal, 3 work related ones every day. I shut them down most times at night and will only talk to people on them during the day or for some select group of friends in the evening. ( you all know who you are). The phone is the only thing I can stand because I can truly multi task while on it. So there it is guys.

Friendship is a two way street. If you email me and I take the time to return it, knowing how much I detest it, please take the time to return the phone call I might make. I will recognize the effort as much as I know you guys will recognize the effort of my returning the Email. Thus endeth the lecture. Please understand that I needed to come clean and let you know that I appreciate your honesty and now it's my turn .

I need to start going back to church regularly, I have been using that time to sleep. I know, sad.

I need to add more activity to my life. I'm doing it, but it's not consistent. So I need to work on that.

health and skin - they are so susceptible to stress. I am working on my skin now and it's got good days and bad days. I have some kind of inner ear thing that makes me really uncomfortable but I have some drugs now.

I have doctor appts that need to be made and I am scheduling my third Brazilian wax for this week. It's not so bad now. The trick is to take aleve before you go in - and take a double dose, less pain.

I have been really reviewing things in my life and while thins are going well I have one small piece of stress, my best friend is having the lump on his neck looked at today and I haven't heard back yet whats up. I'm praying though.

Pray with me too please. He's everything to me.

When I was just a little girl

When I was a little girl I would have been described as a "girly girl". I played with dolls, I played "house", yes I played "doctor" but not the lewd adult version everyone jokes about, I had a dollhouse that my dad made for me and my mom decorated ( that I still have at my brothers house). I loved frills and lace and hate anything practical.

I always planned to be "the mommy". I always expected to have a husband and a home and children and a dog. I expected to live in the exact same house that my parents had when I was small.

Somewhere after my parents divorce this plan of mine went away. Not even astray - just gone. I didn't care if I ever got married and I certainly didn't want children.

At 8 years old, on some level, security in relationships or lack thereof, was brought into a very specific relief. I had never seen my mom cry before, I helped pack my dad up to move and it never occured to me that this wasn't supposed to happen.

At this same early age, I learned that relationships are not only hard, but tenous at best. There is no home secure enough, no relationship strong enough on its own, to last without hard work from ALL parties. That means everyone who is involved. When one person shuts down, and stops contributing or working or even trying, it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it can be rebuilt and sometimes it can't.

As children, we tend to be dreamers. I always dreamed of being in love. As a baby and little girl, I was raised listening to the Carpenters ( gag) and Barry Manilow (Yeesh). As I got older and hit my teenage years, I listened to love songs. All of them, the happy ballads, the sad breakup tunes. I loved the all. I will admit to listening to Air Supply at one point and liking it. Can't stand them now, but know all the words.

What makes this important is that music and love have always been a part of my soul. They aren't and cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I listen to these songs and envision what they would, do or can mean in my life. I never really forget the songs and they come to my brain at strange times depending on how things are going.

In my heart of hearts, I always knew that love for me would be a huge challenge for me. That there was no way that my life was meant to meet someone, date, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, have kids, get the house, live thereafter till death us do part. I was, and am, convinced that the relationship that goes the distance was going to be frought with trials in the beginning.

I believed then as I do now two things about this. That good things come to those who wait and nothing worthwhile is easily attained. I am not in my 20's. And that is a good thing. If I had married in my 20's I can assure you I would be divorced by now.

The funny thing is, though I learned some definite negative behaviours as a child, I also learned some excellent ones also. I learned that marrying your best friend or having your spouse become your best friend is one of the ways to go, if you can make that work. That finding your prince charming does happen, even if you have to go through trial by fire to be with him. And as long as you are doing the right things by your self, then that trial by fire is the right thing. Honesty is truly the best policy and any relationship not based on that, is doomed to fail at some point.

All this history came to me this evening. I was looking at pictures of my childhood. All those happy and smiling faces. mostly mine. And thinking about the fact that in these pictures I am under the age of 8. And when I was 6, my dad changed jobs. He moved from "town I grew up in" to "town I currently live in" as director of music. This job change really shook up our lives. My parents divorced, my dad moved out, our house went up for sale.... and I met my best friend. Who was 18 at the time.

It sounds creepy right? It's only 12 years and doesn't matter today and who knew back then that we would be here?

But it gets better.

A close family friend of mine went to "Upstate State University" and is a year older than I am. He met his wife there. Her dearest friend turned out to be none other than.... my best friend's ex wife.

But it gets better than that. The close family friend is a close family friend because he is the step son of my dad's best friend, Kurt. Kurt, was changing jobs when I was 6. THis is how my dad got the job. Kurt left to go to "eastern school" and my dad took his job. But before that, Kurt was my best friends teacher.

Crazy right? I know.

Once I put it together in my mind, I knew I had to write it out here. Otherwise I might never remember it.

The whole bit with the love songs.... He's a musician and composer and that's his personal outlet. Ironic isn't it?

I look at my life now as product of many things. For one, I am at the point where I really cannot define what this relationship is. And I don't care. I am actually fine with no label. For now.

I have never been one to really come clean to those who count with what's in my heart for fear of rejection. Because my dad was rejected by my mom. I don't blame her - or him. That was a good decision in retrospect. But as a child that's how it looked to me. And I was the mature one. I can't tell you what it did to the younger kids.

So the fact that I verbalize my feelings to my closest friends, my best friend and this blog is a very big step for me. I was always embarassed to say these things for fear of being too "emo". I hate that term, because to me, it embodies a disparaging concept. As if it's not cool to have those kinds of feelings. I am feeling very free inside. Things aren't bottled up inside as much. Most importantly, I am able to convey my feelings to the people in my life who count without fear of retribution or even rejection.

I believe that some of my weight issues stem from this. I bottle things up and then used food as the outlet and comfort. It was easy to abuse food. Since I started communcating I am finding the weight loss easier. I almost don't eeven think about it as much as I used to,. I just eat when I am hungry, make sure I drink my water, my vitamins and get my fruits and veggies in and that's that. I don't worry about it as much. And the weight just comes off.

Even with having my best friend somewhat reject me, and then my attempt at rejecting him and then us fighting to be together in some fashion, we are communicating to each other and verbalizing the things that need to be verbalized. Honesty plays a huge roll in it as well.

I credit this blog, the people who read it and those who I read, for helping me to realize many of the things about myself that had been sitting there unaddressed, some which contribute to my weight issue since I have used food to compensate for years, and most importantly, to communicate my feelings better and making sure that the people I love, know it.