You the know the thing about being a caretaker is the tendancy to OVERLOOK your needs in lieu of someone else's is very easy.
I used to e pretty adept at juggling both. However, this holiday, while I did not suffer from the ever present slippery sliding slope to depression like last year and previous years, it manifested in my skin. So I was feeling happier and more control but looked gross. Last year I looked great but felt like crap.
Tough call.
I'm tired of being asked "What's wrong with your Face" or "Are you OK?" or "Your eyes look terrible" or my favorite "Did you wash your hands before you touched that?"
OK people - it's JUST eczema. I do NOT have leprosy I swear. I have seen countless doctors and they have seen me. I have tried everything that western medicine has to offer and it only provides temporary, if any, relief. I have changed my skin care and this could be so much worse except that the skin care is holding me pretty well.
So After my trusted friend and massage therapist did a treatment including a reiki session, she suggested acupuncture.
oh HELL no. I am NOT having needles plunged into my skin. and how the hell is THAT going to help my skin? Sticking holes in it??? Really??? doubtful.
BUt she proceeded to send me to website after website and I spoke to some of her friends who are acupuncturists and honestly - I decided to give it a whirl.
The irony is that the acupuncturist that she and I decided on is someone I actually know. The sister of an acquaintance ( used to be a close friend but it's been too long to go back to that).
So given all the stresses of late -both good AND bad - I need to tackle this from a different perspective.
I did some dietary research as well. We both need to lighten up on the dairy and start eating better veggies and fruits. This should help maintain me and help alleviate the gout he suffers from too.
So send me some good thoughts tomorrow - that's the first treatment!
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Sunday, January 04, 2009
Saturday, August 02, 2008
Revelations
I have had a number of interesting revelations recently.
Revelation number 1: I've been hacked.
OK - chances are if you are reading this, you already know that. I don't exactly want or NEED to go into the details, but suffice it to say that someone, well, inappropriate, got their hands on my material and frankly, I wouldn't care in other circumstances, but I don't need added stress or pressure. So for the time being, the blog will remain on an invite only basis. I have invited all my normal readers, plus a couple who lurk now and again that I trust.
Lets leave it at that for now.
Revelation number 2: THe whore is not the problem
I have spent a lot of time blaming the whore for an untenable situation in my household. Now that I have met and seen her and spent time with her.... she has moved on from him. He's trying desparately to hold on. This, by the way, is not that uncommon with him. He's done it with every woman in his life to this very day. It has nothing to do with me. Logically and emotionally he's made a different choice and understands why it is the way it is. He just hasn't FULLY let go yet.
I will tell you that this brings a level of relief to me, actually. If it's only generated from him and not being returned, he'll move along appropriately. History shows me that. He has abondonment issues ( being addressed by his psych's now by the way) and this plays a major part in that.
Now that I am aware of it, I have relaxed a bit. Not all the way, mind you, but I have certainly relaxed a lot more with him. It shows in how we are relating now too. All good things.
Revelation Number 3: I have new skin care and it changed my life. And my skin. I am beyond thrilled with this company and their products and I haven't even bought them yet.... though that's coming soon... Swiss made botanical skin care. My face never looked this good. IN 2 and half days ( 5 uses) Jon noticed and my best friend noticed. Without prompting. I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the website. Try it, don't try it - but I am SOLD. Arbonne is the name. They make skin care, body care, spa treatments, supllements, weight loss, makeup, baby lines, teen lines, skin care for men, all very comprehensive. I will not lie and tell you it's drugstore quality or prices. But I will tell you a little goes a long way and it's worth every penny.
These are revelations in intelligence ( number 1), emotions ( number 2) and physical ( number 3). They have taken place over the past week.
I am proud of all of them.
Revelation number 1: I've been hacked.
OK - chances are if you are reading this, you already know that. I don't exactly want or NEED to go into the details, but suffice it to say that someone, well, inappropriate, got their hands on my material and frankly, I wouldn't care in other circumstances, but I don't need added stress or pressure. So for the time being, the blog will remain on an invite only basis. I have invited all my normal readers, plus a couple who lurk now and again that I trust.
Lets leave it at that for now.
Revelation number 2: THe whore is not the problem
I have spent a lot of time blaming the whore for an untenable situation in my household. Now that I have met and seen her and spent time with her.... she has moved on from him. He's trying desparately to hold on. This, by the way, is not that uncommon with him. He's done it with every woman in his life to this very day. It has nothing to do with me. Logically and emotionally he's made a different choice and understands why it is the way it is. He just hasn't FULLY let go yet.
I will tell you that this brings a level of relief to me, actually. If it's only generated from him and not being returned, he'll move along appropriately. History shows me that. He has abondonment issues ( being addressed by his psych's now by the way) and this plays a major part in that.
Now that I am aware of it, I have relaxed a bit. Not all the way, mind you, but I have certainly relaxed a lot more with him. It shows in how we are relating now too. All good things.
Revelation Number 3: I have new skin care and it changed my life. And my skin. I am beyond thrilled with this company and their products and I haven't even bought them yet.... though that's coming soon... Swiss made botanical skin care. My face never looked this good. IN 2 and half days ( 5 uses) Jon noticed and my best friend noticed. Without prompting. I HIGHLY recommend you take a look at the website. Try it, don't try it - but I am SOLD. Arbonne is the name. They make skin care, body care, spa treatments, supllements, weight loss, makeup, baby lines, teen lines, skin care for men, all very comprehensive. I will not lie and tell you it's drugstore quality or prices. But I will tell you a little goes a long way and it's worth every penny.
These are revelations in intelligence ( number 1), emotions ( number 2) and physical ( number 3). They have taken place over the past week.
I am proud of all of them.
Sunday, July 20, 2008
Switzerland
So since we last spoke - rather - read - 11 days ago my life has gotten pretty interesting.
I have renamed myself "Switzerland" or you can call me Heidi - take your pick.
I want to remind you of a post I submitted back in February about Mothers and Sons. It's fairly self explanatory. But little had changed in the forthcoming months.
Until now. The past 15 days have been good for his mom and I on a medical front. We had been largely in agreement on treatment when my best friend was unable to makke those decisions. Much of the time I was authorized by her to make them without her after awhile as she began to trust me more. It was really encouraging.
Until Day 4-5. He started behaving in a strange and unpredictable fashion after being woken from the 2.5 day heavily sedated sleep. Being there and being privy to it in the first person rattled me immeasurably but I am quite good in a medical crisis that is not my own, and sought out his nurses and got doctors on the floor fairly quickly.
She did not return my calls as promptly as I would have preferred and I was not able at that time, to make decisions for him and he was not capable of doinig it himself.
So I started dialoguing with her on days 5-NOW and the short version is this: Medically we will most likely agree on care. Socially/emotionally/spiritually/psychologically - you are looking at us in agreement about 25% of the time.
Three units later, countless docs - he finally gave the most recent doc, who has been the longest so far at 5 days, releases to speak with me about everything and anything they need and vice versa. I see him for 1 hour sessions 2 times a day. The rest of the time, he is resting and getting better and stronger as we research a new treatment protocol for the chemo.
What I have discovered is, because I am not her favorite person and she has undisclosed issues with me, arguing with her is not a good plan. From the onset, I knew this to be true. So what I have done was converted myself into a sounding board for her when I disagree. I just listen and ask her questions and let her think it all the way to a logical conclusion and then I drop it. When I agree however I vociferously ask lots of questions, propose action plans, get her input on the hows whens and whys and divide up the task list with her at her pleasure to get it done.
She's an unbelievably bright and intellignet person so the last thing I want to do is to alienate her by showing anything that looked like superiority. The bottom line was - I Believed 1-2 days in this particular environment would be beneficial. I believe that 10-14 days would have caused backwards movement in him.
She commented that she thinks I know him better than she does. I tap danced out of that by saying maybe in 1 or 2 things but she is his mother and she has 52 years experience to my 11.
The Point is, When she is barking up the wrong tree, I don't tell her so. I just listen and let her talk it out to a logicial conclusion. When She's right I am her single biggest advocate.
One particular battle we had was on medication. He does not want anything beyond the medical necessity meds ( heparin) and the fluids( .09 Saline and Potassium). There is nothing else medically necessary so they needed to stop pushing it.
The short tail on that is, she felt it was better for him, he didn't and was capable of saying no and was adamant about it, so as far as I was concerned, that was a done deal.
What I did here though was listen, read the websites decribing the drug, interactions and side effects. We agreed that this drug was a poor idea as it was clear they didn't read into the rest of his chart. However she then proceeded to investigate ANOTHER drug that would offer the same relief with different side effects. I just listened and said nothing.
I am neutral.
I am Swiss.
Just call me Heidi!
I have renamed myself "Switzerland" or you can call me Heidi - take your pick.
I want to remind you of a post I submitted back in February about Mothers and Sons. It's fairly self explanatory. But little had changed in the forthcoming months.
Until now. The past 15 days have been good for his mom and I on a medical front. We had been largely in agreement on treatment when my best friend was unable to makke those decisions. Much of the time I was authorized by her to make them without her after awhile as she began to trust me more. It was really encouraging.
Until Day 4-5. He started behaving in a strange and unpredictable fashion after being woken from the 2.5 day heavily sedated sleep. Being there and being privy to it in the first person rattled me immeasurably but I am quite good in a medical crisis that is not my own, and sought out his nurses and got doctors on the floor fairly quickly.
She did not return my calls as promptly as I would have preferred and I was not able at that time, to make decisions for him and he was not capable of doinig it himself.
So I started dialoguing with her on days 5-NOW and the short version is this: Medically we will most likely agree on care. Socially/emotionally/spiritually/psychologically - you are looking at us in agreement about 25% of the time.
Three units later, countless docs - he finally gave the most recent doc, who has been the longest so far at 5 days, releases to speak with me about everything and anything they need and vice versa. I see him for 1 hour sessions 2 times a day. The rest of the time, he is resting and getting better and stronger as we research a new treatment protocol for the chemo.
What I have discovered is, because I am not her favorite person and she has undisclosed issues with me, arguing with her is not a good plan. From the onset, I knew this to be true. So what I have done was converted myself into a sounding board for her when I disagree. I just listen and ask her questions and let her think it all the way to a logical conclusion and then I drop it. When I agree however I vociferously ask lots of questions, propose action plans, get her input on the hows whens and whys and divide up the task list with her at her pleasure to get it done.
She's an unbelievably bright and intellignet person so the last thing I want to do is to alienate her by showing anything that looked like superiority. The bottom line was - I Believed 1-2 days in this particular environment would be beneficial. I believe that 10-14 days would have caused backwards movement in him.
She commented that she thinks I know him better than she does. I tap danced out of that by saying maybe in 1 or 2 things but she is his mother and she has 52 years experience to my 11.
The Point is, When she is barking up the wrong tree, I don't tell her so. I just listen and let her talk it out to a logicial conclusion. When She's right I am her single biggest advocate.
One particular battle we had was on medication. He does not want anything beyond the medical necessity meds ( heparin) and the fluids( .09 Saline and Potassium). There is nothing else medically necessary so they needed to stop pushing it.
The short tail on that is, she felt it was better for him, he didn't and was capable of saying no and was adamant about it, so as far as I was concerned, that was a done deal.
What I did here though was listen, read the websites decribing the drug, interactions and side effects. We agreed that this drug was a poor idea as it was clear they didn't read into the rest of his chart. However she then proceeded to investigate ANOTHER drug that would offer the same relief with different side effects. I just listened and said nothing.
I am neutral.
I am Swiss.
Just call me Heidi!
Monday, June 02, 2008
There'll be tears in my ears....
Ok - a lyrics writer I am not....
These are actual C&W lyrics to a song I am unfamiliar with. A friend of mine used to quote it. They stuck with me, lord only knows why.
Also in a book I read awhile ago, by Mary Higgins Clark, The heroine of the story was describing the aftermath of her sister's death "My eyes would just suddenly start leaking and I had know idea it was even happening."
This is what happens to me now. I don't consciously cry. It's really odd. I'll be watching TV - it could be any show - but for arguments sake we'll use tonight as the example. I came home and Jon told me I didn't have to text him when I was on my way - if he needs something he'll text me. It just wakes him up.
I apologized for disturbing him to which he said I couldn't have known that - which is true.
So we were watching "Sleepers" and old movie but one that I really like to be sure. At the end, I noticed that my face was wet and that tears were leaking onto my hands. I don't think I even realized I was crying. No lump in the throat, no flushed face, no inablilty to speak. Just water leaking out of my eyes.
A really weird phenomenon. Stranger still - I can't seem to stop it.
I'm sure it's a combination of things. I don't feel sad. Really. Stressed - yes. Busy? sure. Lonely even though he's here? absolutely. Feeling that I don't do enough? Hell yes.
But sadness? no. Other than the normal sadness that comes from watching a loved one suffer. And that's what I do more often than not - watch a loved one suffer. Because there is little any of us can do including him.
The latest news is that the Chemo is aggravating his Gout. So we are changing up the non existent diet to include more fruits and vegetables. in liquid form of course. I am reading up on dietary changes that will support both gout and chemo.
Every night I take my laptop and do what I call research projects. I kick off some key words in Google while I write my post for the night. Then I scroll through and read up on the topic of the night.
Diet is tonight again. This is going to be a few days. Any suggestions for websites to look at are appreciated!
These are actual C&W lyrics to a song I am unfamiliar with. A friend of mine used to quote it. They stuck with me, lord only knows why.
Also in a book I read awhile ago, by Mary Higgins Clark, The heroine of the story was describing the aftermath of her sister's death "My eyes would just suddenly start leaking and I had know idea it was even happening."
This is what happens to me now. I don't consciously cry. It's really odd. I'll be watching TV - it could be any show - but for arguments sake we'll use tonight as the example. I came home and Jon told me I didn't have to text him when I was on my way - if he needs something he'll text me. It just wakes him up.
I apologized for disturbing him to which he said I couldn't have known that - which is true.
So we were watching "Sleepers" and old movie but one that I really like to be sure. At the end, I noticed that my face was wet and that tears were leaking onto my hands. I don't think I even realized I was crying. No lump in the throat, no flushed face, no inablilty to speak. Just water leaking out of my eyes.
A really weird phenomenon. Stranger still - I can't seem to stop it.
I'm sure it's a combination of things. I don't feel sad. Really. Stressed - yes. Busy? sure. Lonely even though he's here? absolutely. Feeling that I don't do enough? Hell yes.
But sadness? no. Other than the normal sadness that comes from watching a loved one suffer. And that's what I do more often than not - watch a loved one suffer. Because there is little any of us can do including him.
The latest news is that the Chemo is aggravating his Gout. So we are changing up the non existent diet to include more fruits and vegetables. in liquid form of course. I am reading up on dietary changes that will support both gout and chemo.
Every night I take my laptop and do what I call research projects. I kick off some key words in Google while I write my post for the night. Then I scroll through and read up on the topic of the night.
Diet is tonight again. This is going to be a few days. Any suggestions for websites to look at are appreciated!
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
and...he's back!
Well, the man that I love so much has resurfaced - a bit.
The energy is better today, the masses are shrinking noticeably and today he thanked me for being patient and apologized for not being up to doing anything at all recently.
I had him laughing when I said "Don't worry". He really thought I said "It's OK" so his response was a frustrated "It's NOT OK"....
He had no choice but to laugh when I said " I never said it was OK,.... I told you not to worry!"
I have to admit that I am having a harder time writing than I normally do. A lot of it has to do with the specifics of my life now. I work all the time. I mean all the time. Downtime for me is when I sleep - which is never through the night. I am always waking up for every little shift and movement. I am always conscious of his condition even if he's sleeping on the couch. Which is more and more common as his sleep patterns become more interrupted. Less from pain but more from the treatments.
The Radiation knocks his energy level down quite a bit. I knew that was a side effect going in but I think we were both unprepared for how hard that it hit him. He still has his hair, but we don't know how much longer. He thinks it will come out this week. I am not so sure on that. But either way, my response is the same, it's just hair and it will grow back. I love you whether you have hair or not!
Of course life goes on around us. The world didn't stop turning just because he has cancer. But I still get frustrated when some of my friends and I talk and they act like it's not happening - I have friends who are so consumed by their own lives that they even forget to ask me how I'm doing. Honestly that's frustrating but on the flip side of that - I completely and totally understand why I don't get those questions. It's uncomfortable. It's first on my mind - but certainly not on everyone Else's. Nor does it have to be! HA - that's MY self involvement!
My closest friends and buds aren't that shy. Regardless of comfort level - they ask. They offer. They do. I don't have to pretend that things are merrily rolling along with them. That's what makes them my buds, my friends and my pahtner ( and their spouses!).
I have a really good friend whom I love dearly. When my dad died - she didn't say a word. Not one word and I sat next to her every day. Finally after a month or so, I asked her "Is there some reason you haven't commented on my dad's passing" and she burst into tears. I was stunned. She said she felt so bad that she didn't say anything or do anything because she didn't know what to say or do. She just knew that it was horrible and she felt like a bad person. I started to laugh and pretty soon so did she. I said we were quite a pair. We knew EVERYTHING about each other - but that one thing really threw her for a loop. She couldn't rebound fast enough and subsequently felt guilty. The laughter brought us back to center and we've been fine ever since.
I now know where her demarcation is in her comfort zone.
The lesson I walked away with there is that lots of people don't handle these curve balls the way you might expect. Sometimes it comes to you in the form of disinterest and boredom. Other times, it's completely inappropriate commentary and still others come in the form of complete self involvement. Then there are the friends who call every couple of days to make sure that he's OK and I'm OK and if we need anything or share some research they've read about or just listen. I have had his friends, who barely know me at all, calling to let me know that they are thinking about us.
My priest made a very interesting point today. I am not Wonder Woman - even if I do own the costume. Wonder Woman wasn't even wonder woman - she was just Linda Carter with big boobs! I have a lot of trouble asking for help. I am not good at this at all. I happen to be fortunate that I don't always have to - I have really amazing friends who reach out FIRST. I also have a small contingency of friends that I know I can call and just vent when I can't sort it out. I just have to actually execute it and not internalize so much.
I teach a family that is amazing to me. I am fortunate to have them around. The parents have 2 biological children, 2 adopted children and 2 fosters who are soon to be adopted. The age range is 2 -16. The parents are really great people and this is a crazy insane loud household. I was talking to the mom about how things were going here. Amidst her trying to give me one of her kids to take home.... ( not ever happening) she basically told me that though it was killing me to not say what was on my mind about how things were going with us during these last few days, I did the right thing.
There is no way that I could communicate my frustration and sadness without him feeling guilty for being sick. There just wasn't. Once he apologized and started communicating about general things, I was able to do the same. For some reason, we shook it off today.
Today I bought him Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips for dinner. There is only ONE in the entire county. He ate it. He was happy. I was happier because he ate an entire meal. in one sitting. He paid for it dearly after - but he kept it down and felt happy for eating. We watched the Mets game alternating with Law and order and Steel Magnolias. He let me wait on him and fuss a bit which frustrates him and makes me feel useful. Odd isn't it?
He's not comfortable and he feels generally crappy. We are only at the tip of the iceberg right now and this could stand to get so much worse.
When you are alone you can make any choice you want, but when someone loves you, you lose that right . My choices now are made around him and how he feels and what he needs. If I can't do it myself, I will find someone who can.
That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!
The energy is better today, the masses are shrinking noticeably and today he thanked me for being patient and apologized for not being up to doing anything at all recently.
I had him laughing when I said "Don't worry". He really thought I said "It's OK" so his response was a frustrated "It's NOT OK"....
He had no choice but to laugh when I said " I never said it was OK,.... I told you not to worry!"
I have to admit that I am having a harder time writing than I normally do. A lot of it has to do with the specifics of my life now. I work all the time. I mean all the time. Downtime for me is when I sleep - which is never through the night. I am always waking up for every little shift and movement. I am always conscious of his condition even if he's sleeping on the couch. Which is more and more common as his sleep patterns become more interrupted. Less from pain but more from the treatments.
The Radiation knocks his energy level down quite a bit. I knew that was a side effect going in but I think we were both unprepared for how hard that it hit him. He still has his hair, but we don't know how much longer. He thinks it will come out this week. I am not so sure on that. But either way, my response is the same, it's just hair and it will grow back. I love you whether you have hair or not!
Of course life goes on around us. The world didn't stop turning just because he has cancer. But I still get frustrated when some of my friends and I talk and they act like it's not happening - I have friends who are so consumed by their own lives that they even forget to ask me how I'm doing. Honestly that's frustrating but on the flip side of that - I completely and totally understand why I don't get those questions. It's uncomfortable. It's first on my mind - but certainly not on everyone Else's. Nor does it have to be! HA - that's MY self involvement!
My closest friends and buds aren't that shy. Regardless of comfort level - they ask. They offer. They do. I don't have to pretend that things are merrily rolling along with them. That's what makes them my buds, my friends and my pahtner ( and their spouses!).
I have a really good friend whom I love dearly. When my dad died - she didn't say a word. Not one word and I sat next to her every day. Finally after a month or so, I asked her "Is there some reason you haven't commented on my dad's passing" and she burst into tears. I was stunned. She said she felt so bad that she didn't say anything or do anything because she didn't know what to say or do. She just knew that it was horrible and she felt like a bad person. I started to laugh and pretty soon so did she. I said we were quite a pair. We knew EVERYTHING about each other - but that one thing really threw her for a loop. She couldn't rebound fast enough and subsequently felt guilty. The laughter brought us back to center and we've been fine ever since.
I now know where her demarcation is in her comfort zone.
The lesson I walked away with there is that lots of people don't handle these curve balls the way you might expect. Sometimes it comes to you in the form of disinterest and boredom. Other times, it's completely inappropriate commentary and still others come in the form of complete self involvement. Then there are the friends who call every couple of days to make sure that he's OK and I'm OK and if we need anything or share some research they've read about or just listen. I have had his friends, who barely know me at all, calling to let me know that they are thinking about us.
My priest made a very interesting point today. I am not Wonder Woman - even if I do own the costume. Wonder Woman wasn't even wonder woman - she was just Linda Carter with big boobs! I have a lot of trouble asking for help. I am not good at this at all. I happen to be fortunate that I don't always have to - I have really amazing friends who reach out FIRST. I also have a small contingency of friends that I know I can call and just vent when I can't sort it out. I just have to actually execute it and not internalize so much.
I teach a family that is amazing to me. I am fortunate to have them around. The parents have 2 biological children, 2 adopted children and 2 fosters who are soon to be adopted. The age range is 2 -16. The parents are really great people and this is a crazy insane loud household. I was talking to the mom about how things were going here. Amidst her trying to give me one of her kids to take home.... ( not ever happening) she basically told me that though it was killing me to not say what was on my mind about how things were going with us during these last few days, I did the right thing.
There is no way that I could communicate my frustration and sadness without him feeling guilty for being sick. There just wasn't. Once he apologized and started communicating about general things, I was able to do the same. For some reason, we shook it off today.
Today I bought him Arthur Treachers Fish and Chips for dinner. There is only ONE in the entire county. He ate it. He was happy. I was happier because he ate an entire meal. in one sitting. He paid for it dearly after - but he kept it down and felt happy for eating. We watched the Mets game alternating with Law and order and Steel Magnolias. He let me wait on him and fuss a bit which frustrates him and makes me feel useful. Odd isn't it?
He's not comfortable and he feels generally crappy. We are only at the tip of the iceberg right now and this could stand to get so much worse.
When you are alone you can make any choice you want, but when someone loves you, you lose that right . My choices now are made around him and how he feels and what he needs. If I can't do it myself, I will find someone who can.
That which doesn't kill you, makes you stronger!
Sunday, May 11, 2008
My midlife crisis
I think I am having a midlife crisis.
Shit.
shit!
I have looked at my life lately and am feeling that it has been without worth. worthless in effect.
Yes I realize that nothing is all black or all white. Nothing is. But my overall sense of things is just that- worthless. without a point. And how did this happen?
I'm trying to sort out the exact moment when life turned and went in this direction?
Then Thursday Jon spent the day at the state aid office filing for medicaid and other state aid programs. Before I realized it, I had disclosed every dime I make, how much my home costs, my car, savings, 401K, retirement, trust fund etc, salary etc. including my SSN.
Now I don't know about you folks, but I don't disclose that kind of information to anyone but the person I intend to marry. And that's not something that's on the table at this time or perhaps ever.
I was uncomfortable - not because I don't trust him, but because it's on file with the state now and I don't know what could mean in the future. So on my way home from my dress rehearsal - I called the board president of our singing group as his day gig is that he is an attorney. I ran all my problems with this disclosure past him and he told me that the questions are valid but that legally since there is no marriage and our state has no common law ( not that we'd be eligible at this point anyway) I have no responsibility other than what I CHOOSE to do in terms of financial support.
Please don't misunderstand me, this is not a reflection of the relationship - I just was very tense about being on the radar for any reason. Every dime I make is reported to the IRS and there is nothing that I owe - it's just a general feeling that wow - this is really private stuff... I don't know how happy I am at disclosing this - at the point in our relationship Of course if we were married he wouldn't be eligible at all.
Meanwhile prior to that rehearsal, amidst a horrible day at work, it occurred to me that I carrying 100% of the household expenses in addition to the personal expenses for BOTH OF US. I am also doing 90% of the chores. I am organizing the "stuff" that made it's way into the house.
I am not unhappy with the overall just this part and I know that we have to talk about it BUT that conversation won't go well. I don't want to aggravate the disease either which this kind of stress will aggravate. But I've gotten so frustrated that all I can do is cry. and cry and cry and cry. Lots of tears over this situation and the news that he may have a recurrence in the vocal chords and his career will end altogether. Tears over the fact that I am not only not second but these days I am not sure I make the list at all of people and situations that are important. Tears over the old joke "what do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless" Because in this case it's true.
I cry out sadness and frustration and through it all I love him. I do. I can't help it. I know that he does not do this intentionally. The fact is he has not figure out where the breakpoint to being tired and feeling like crap is and he over programs his days - or severely under programs. The fact is he has blown others off when he feels crappy and has stayed home here with me.
I don't know if this qualifies as a midlife crisis or if this is just A crisis.
So this morning I sit here and type. I am trying to regain some perspective. Yet I still have this underlying feeling that my life has been worthless and yes it does make me so sad. He is still not well this morning, but he slept last night. I came home and he was out cold on the couch and I left him there.
I know he doesn't do this on purpose. I know he doesn't do it only to me, but I live here too so I get that extra dose of being taken for granted.
I end where I began - I sit here and consider the time I have lived and search for the moment that my life became worthless and lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself until I come up with a solution that works.
Shit.
shit!
SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm way to young to be doing this.... And how do women have mid life crises anyway????
"She thinks her life's been worthless and it makes her so sad" is a line in one of Jon's songs and though it was written about someone else long ago, it applies to me now.I have looked at my life lately and am feeling that it has been without worth. worthless in effect.
Yes I realize that nothing is all black or all white. Nothing is. But my overall sense of things is just that- worthless. without a point. And how did this happen?
I'm trying to sort out the exact moment when life turned and went in this direction?
This week was hard.
We started with Chemo. it was tough, but he rallied well until the weekend.
Then I started back to teaching and decided against grieving some kids competition scores. I wrestled with it for awhile. I feel like I am taking the easy way out and perhaps not doing the right thing by these kids, BUT, the fact remains that in grieving something subjective, they will stand by the adjudicator which is as it should be even if I disagree with the adjudicator. It did mean the difference in a score level for 2 and one kid who got a perfect score was coached by the same adjudicator so she could get that score, but I don't see me getting anywhere with it. And the fact remains that other than one small thing, this person was spot on in her remarks - both good and bad.
That made me feel a little bit like a sell out. Even if I am doing the right thing.
Then Thursday Jon spent the day at the state aid office filing for medicaid and other state aid programs. Before I realized it, I had disclosed every dime I make, how much my home costs, my car, savings, 401K, retirement, trust fund etc, salary etc. including my SSN.
Now I don't know about you folks, but I don't disclose that kind of information to anyone but the person I intend to marry. And that's not something that's on the table at this time or perhaps ever.
I was uncomfortable - not because I don't trust him, but because it's on file with the state now and I don't know what could mean in the future. So on my way home from my dress rehearsal - I called the board president of our singing group as his day gig is that he is an attorney. I ran all my problems with this disclosure past him and he told me that the questions are valid but that legally since there is no marriage and our state has no common law ( not that we'd be eligible at this point anyway) I have no responsibility other than what I CHOOSE to do in terms of financial support.
Please don't misunderstand me, this is not a reflection of the relationship - I just was very tense about being on the radar for any reason. Every dime I make is reported to the IRS and there is nothing that I owe - it's just a general feeling that wow - this is really private stuff... I don't know how happy I am at disclosing this - at the point in our relationship Of course if we were married he wouldn't be eligible at all.
Meanwhile prior to that rehearsal, amidst a horrible day at work, it occurred to me that I carrying 100% of the household expenses in addition to the personal expenses for BOTH OF US. I am also doing 90% of the chores. I am organizing the "stuff" that made it's way into the house.
Today was a busy day for us. On the calendar for a number of weeks now, we have had a First Holy communion for the son of our best friends. My concert was tonight with me doing the Soprano Solo's for the Haydn Missa Nicolai.
During the week he announced he was going to to a reading of a play in the city.
Now - I won't tell you that I was pissed or angry - not in the least. On the contrary I was concerned that he was over programming himself and would suffer for it.
Truer words were never spoken.
Guess who else got suffer along with him?
Yes - me.
I don't know how to say this without seeming like a supreme Queen Bitch. So please take this with the spirit that is intended.
I feel like I am being taken for granted. That everyone and everything comes ahead of me. He over programmed his day and managed to get the communion in and the play - but who got cut? me.
This is not even the first time it happened. It's becoming more and more common of late.
Oh he's not cutting me in lieu of other things. He is sick. He has cancer. When I got the call that he wasn't coming because the queasy feeling finally manifested into full out nausea and he was throwing up for the first time, I broke out in tears. Again. As I was leaving to go to the concert in the first place, he got angry and yelled at me out of frustration for not feeling well enough that he couldn't go. I got nothing from that. No hug, no kiss, no reassurance, no "break a leg". Nothing - just anger. It's not directed at me, but it is. It's directed at himself and taken out on me. I cry because I hurt for him and because of him.
He's not out having a party. He's making some interesting choices. By interesting I mean "not thought out"I am not unhappy with the overall just this part and I know that we have to talk about it BUT that conversation won't go well. I don't want to aggravate the disease either which this kind of stress will aggravate. But I've gotten so frustrated that all I can do is cry. and cry and cry and cry. Lots of tears over this situation and the news that he may have a recurrence in the vocal chords and his career will end altogether. Tears over the fact that I am not only not second but these days I am not sure I make the list at all of people and situations that are important. Tears over the old joke "what do you call a musician who breaks up with his girlfriend? Homeless" Because in this case it's true.
I cry out sadness and frustration and through it all I love him. I do. I can't help it. I know that he does not do this intentionally. The fact is he has not figure out where the breakpoint to being tired and feeling like crap is and he over programs his days - or severely under programs. The fact is he has blown others off when he feels crappy and has stayed home here with me.
I don't know if this qualifies as a midlife crisis or if this is just A crisis.
So this morning I sit here and type. I am trying to regain some perspective. Yet I still have this underlying feeling that my life has been worthless and yes it does make me so sad. He is still not well this morning, but he slept last night. I came home and he was out cold on the couch and I left him there.
I know he doesn't do this on purpose. I know he doesn't do it only to me, but I live here too so I get that extra dose of being taken for granted.
I end where I began - I sit here and consider the time I have lived and search for the moment that my life became worthless and lick my wounds and feel sorry for myself until I come up with a solution that works.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
Catharsis
I tend to be a half full person. When life hands me lemons either I make lemonade or get out the tequila.
This has been one of my greatest challenges. Since Jon's diagnosis, I have not really cried, or had an emotional reaction in front of him. My worry is on my face at times or in the way I hover a little too much over him when he's in pain, but otherwise I stay the course and keep everyone positive and moving forward.
This week things were strained in large part because of me and my inability to quickly process events, make a decision and move on. It takes me longer than it takes him.
His computer has a virus and is a mess. I have been slowly working on it and trying to correct. It's slowly improving but I hit an impasse by Wed. So I took a day off. And his head exploded - not at me - but at himself for clicking on something he shouldn't have in the first place. He is very careful to qualify his frustration because he knows how many hours and how much money I have been spending to put it right again. But I know it's a pain in the ass - I hate it as much as he does.
So Thursday night when I arrived home from teaching, I poured myself a glass of wine, picked up my laptop and walked it over to his desktop and logged into my email to start re-working this machines registry line by line ad nauseum.
I was quiet. Working gave me the out. I didn't have to talk which is good as I was still really processing things.
At one point I asked him to please come over and pop his email password in so I could verify that login was working. He just verbally gave it to me and told me to play around as much as I wanted - nothing there I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed by the trust he has in me. Especially after I unwittingly violated that once a year ago.
I got all done with everything I could do and kicked off a NOrton Full scan and went to make my self dinner.
I sat down in the living room with my homemade waffles and he put on "God Said, Ha!". Now I don't care if you have personal identity with the situations outlined in the film or not - it's going to hit you between the eyes. For those of you unfamiliar, Julia Sweeney is doing poignant but funny at times monologue on her brother's cancer fight as well as her own. She survived, He did not.
In watching this film, I found myself unable to laugh, though she was absolutely hilarious. Unable to cry - and LORD KNOWS I WANTED TO.
Then she made some wise assed remark about her brothers responses to the shunt put in his forehead to help with fluids. I have to tell you that not only was that the funniest thing I had head, but it reminded me of his brother and the reactions that his brother routinely has at things like this. I looked at him and realized he was crying.
Then it occured to me that I was crying too.
Huh.
How did that escape me - had those tears been there all along?
Nah - I would have noticed to be sure.
I lean over and hug him. He tells me no no no - but doesn't push me away so I stay and just hold him.
Then he pushes me away - moment had passed.
We continue to watch this and it occurs to me slowly that I am not who he wants around right now. So the next round of tears that comes up - I look at him and he puts his hand up as if to say "don't touch me". I do this all the time to be honest... So I try not to take it personally. But I do say "I know I am not who you want around right now".
He responds by taking my hand and saying:
"You are going to meet everyone. Joann, Denise and yes, the whore. These women are going to be around and they are going to be our support system. They will be driving you and I back anf forth to radiation. And Yes the whore too."
" OK " is the only thing I can choke out here
"The whore is out of the doghouse with me as a friend. As a lover - not so much. But I need to let the anger go" He says
"I know - I knew that when you showed me the poem you wrote. I'm glad you've let it go but you have to be patient with the rest of us who aren't on the same point of the road yet and those of us who love you and don't trust the person who hurt you so badly"
still holding my hand "I know - and I can't tell you how that has helped me get to the point I am at with her. I can't have anger and pain hanging over me. THe only way to release it was to forgive her and rebuild the friendship. "
"OK I can try" I say
I get up, take out my contacts and get ready for bed.
I come back out to finish watching this movie that has now crushed me into sobs. He gets up to get something to drink and says to me "Turn it off - its time for bed".
It's not even midnight. Hunh
I say "no it's OK"
"no it's time for bed - this will be on some other time and we can watch it then. Besides I can't ever get through it all in one sitting. "
We go to bed and while we are laying there holding hands and watching "From Dusk til dawn" it occurs to me that we never had this moment since he got diagnosed - we just took it in stride and moved along as if nothing was different or even wrong for that matter - just each day as it came.
I know his cancer is not terminal. In my heart I know it. But there is always that 1% seed of doubt in my mind that something may crop up that will be life threatening. I can't imagine my life without him so this is a scary concept. I tend not to focus on it - I have to stay positive and stay the course in order to keep him positive and both moving forward
Since that night, I have noticed an overwhelming number of movies with thiis concept have been on lately - My Life with Michael Keaton, Catch And Release with Jennifer Garner and Juliette Lewis, God Said Ha! and so on.... Even though I have seen all of them in the past - these are just not films I can watch at this point. Sad because they are all good and struck a chord in me even before this.
Carrol O'Connor has a great line in Return to me. He says "It's the character that's strongest that God hands the most challenges to".
This has been one of my greatest challenges. Since Jon's diagnosis, I have not really cried, or had an emotional reaction in front of him. My worry is on my face at times or in the way I hover a little too much over him when he's in pain, but otherwise I stay the course and keep everyone positive and moving forward.
This week things were strained in large part because of me and my inability to quickly process events, make a decision and move on. It takes me longer than it takes him.
His computer has a virus and is a mess. I have been slowly working on it and trying to correct. It's slowly improving but I hit an impasse by Wed. So I took a day off. And his head exploded - not at me - but at himself for clicking on something he shouldn't have in the first place. He is very careful to qualify his frustration because he knows how many hours and how much money I have been spending to put it right again. But I know it's a pain in the ass - I hate it as much as he does.
So Thursday night when I arrived home from teaching, I poured myself a glass of wine, picked up my laptop and walked it over to his desktop and logged into my email to start re-working this machines registry line by line ad nauseum.
I was quiet. Working gave me the out. I didn't have to talk which is good as I was still really processing things.
At one point I asked him to please come over and pop his email password in so I could verify that login was working. He just verbally gave it to me and told me to play around as much as I wanted - nothing there I couldn't see. I was overwhelmed by the trust he has in me. Especially after I unwittingly violated that once a year ago.
I got all done with everything I could do and kicked off a NOrton Full scan and went to make my self dinner.
I sat down in the living room with my homemade waffles and he put on "God Said, Ha!". Now I don't care if you have personal identity with the situations outlined in the film or not - it's going to hit you between the eyes. For those of you unfamiliar, Julia Sweeney is doing poignant but funny at times monologue on her brother's cancer fight as well as her own. She survived, He did not.
In watching this film, I found myself unable to laugh, though she was absolutely hilarious. Unable to cry - and LORD KNOWS I WANTED TO.
Then she made some wise assed remark about her brothers responses to the shunt put in his forehead to help with fluids. I have to tell you that not only was that the funniest thing I had head, but it reminded me of his brother and the reactions that his brother routinely has at things like this. I looked at him and realized he was crying.
Then it occured to me that I was crying too.
Huh.
How did that escape me - had those tears been there all along?
Nah - I would have noticed to be sure.
I lean over and hug him. He tells me no no no - but doesn't push me away so I stay and just hold him.
Then he pushes me away - moment had passed.
We continue to watch this and it occurs to me slowly that I am not who he wants around right now. So the next round of tears that comes up - I look at him and he puts his hand up as if to say "don't touch me". I do this all the time to be honest... So I try not to take it personally. But I do say "I know I am not who you want around right now".
He responds by taking my hand and saying:
"You are going to meet everyone. Joann, Denise and yes, the whore. These women are going to be around and they are going to be our support system. They will be driving you and I back anf forth to radiation. And Yes the whore too."
" OK " is the only thing I can choke out here
"The whore is out of the doghouse with me as a friend. As a lover - not so much. But I need to let the anger go" He says
"I know - I knew that when you showed me the poem you wrote. I'm glad you've let it go but you have to be patient with the rest of us who aren't on the same point of the road yet and those of us who love you and don't trust the person who hurt you so badly"
still holding my hand "I know - and I can't tell you how that has helped me get to the point I am at with her. I can't have anger and pain hanging over me. THe only way to release it was to forgive her and rebuild the friendship. "
"OK I can try" I say
I get up, take out my contacts and get ready for bed.
I come back out to finish watching this movie that has now crushed me into sobs. He gets up to get something to drink and says to me "Turn it off - its time for bed".
It's not even midnight. Hunh
I say "no it's OK"
"no it's time for bed - this will be on some other time and we can watch it then. Besides I can't ever get through it all in one sitting. "
We go to bed and while we are laying there holding hands and watching "From Dusk til dawn" it occurs to me that we never had this moment since he got diagnosed - we just took it in stride and moved along as if nothing was different or even wrong for that matter - just each day as it came.
I know his cancer is not terminal. In my heart I know it. But there is always that 1% seed of doubt in my mind that something may crop up that will be life threatening. I can't imagine my life without him so this is a scary concept. I tend not to focus on it - I have to stay positive and stay the course in order to keep him positive and both moving forward
Since that night, I have noticed an overwhelming number of movies with thiis concept have been on lately - My Life with Michael Keaton, Catch And Release with Jennifer Garner and Juliette Lewis, God Said Ha! and so on.... Even though I have seen all of them in the past - these are just not films I can watch at this point. Sad because they are all good and struck a chord in me even before this.
Carrol O'Connor has a great line in Return to me. He says "It's the character that's strongest that God hands the most challenges to".
It's the strength of character that matters most in all of us. It's what is going to pull him through this. It's going to be what enables me to help him get through it.
We had a cathartic moment. It was really emotional and exhausting.
But necessary - folks don't bury it! Let it out so you can move forward.
Tuesday, April 08, 2008
The trials of the living
A mutual friend was visiting today. She got married in the big "wedding" we went to in November. She has "retired" after 25 years in the insurance industry.
A slight backing up.... my best friend got notification that there are some complications with paper work and his vehicle. I had suggested that we put him on my policy anyway awhile ago as there is a mulit car discount as well as an age discount - so this would be a good thing. Now it's actually a necessity.
So while our friend was here, I called my agent and inquired about what was required. I get the listing of necessary items. She laughs and asks if we are getting married. He looks at me, I look at him and he says "Nah - it's cheaper this way!".
Now if Mrs Jackson hadn't sent me her email yesterday about the difference between men and women - I would have actually read into that.
Generally speaking this entire health situation has put so much in a very specific perspective. For starters, I have noticed that I am really not caring for myself the way that I once did and at the same time I am doing more of it than I used to. It's in different areas of focus.
For example, my exercize - all but gone. But I have read up on how a caretaker should be dealing with things for themselves.
My taxes? Not done yet. My music? Well all I can say there is that I just performed an aria ( Una Voce Poco Fa) from the Barber of Seville and didn't give a crap whether or not I knew the words correctly or not. And yes I blew a couple of words but the vast majority were dead on and because I didn't give a crap the entire thiing was brilliant. But I'm not working so hard at it and that's not good. But my piano skills are improving - go figure.
Reading - not as much my normal stuff - much more on holistic healing, caring for the caretaker, caring for cancer patients, dealing with illness etc.
I have some legal issues I am going through - nothing bad or major. But it did take me to my friend and attorney. He performed in the concert with me yesterday as well. He is going through his own array of shit too. He and his wife are separating after 35 years together. She came to the performance yesterday and he sang "The way you look tonight". I was touched to be honest. There is still love there between them. It makes me happy and sad for them. I hope they can work it out - it's an awful lot of time invested. We talked a bit about that, covered my issues, more minor than I thought and moved on.
My house needs shaping up. We have put a lot of things on hold pending tests and the like that the normal tasks of living have built up a bit. Hence the reason my taxes are not done yet.
My skin, while not as bad as it could be, is not great. I have made the doctor appointment necessary and will see them tomorrow.
At some point normal will kick in. I just do not know when.
I wonder if you can get a tax extension because of cancer......
A slight backing up.... my best friend got notification that there are some complications with paper work and his vehicle. I had suggested that we put him on my policy anyway awhile ago as there is a mulit car discount as well as an age discount - so this would be a good thing. Now it's actually a necessity.
So while our friend was here, I called my agent and inquired about what was required. I get the listing of necessary items. She laughs and asks if we are getting married. He looks at me, I look at him and he says "Nah - it's cheaper this way!".
Now if Mrs Jackson hadn't sent me her email yesterday about the difference between men and women - I would have actually read into that.
Generally speaking this entire health situation has put so much in a very specific perspective. For starters, I have noticed that I am really not caring for myself the way that I once did and at the same time I am doing more of it than I used to. It's in different areas of focus.
For example, my exercize - all but gone. But I have read up on how a caretaker should be dealing with things for themselves.
My taxes? Not done yet. My music? Well all I can say there is that I just performed an aria ( Una Voce Poco Fa) from the Barber of Seville and didn't give a crap whether or not I knew the words correctly or not. And yes I blew a couple of words but the vast majority were dead on and because I didn't give a crap the entire thiing was brilliant. But I'm not working so hard at it and that's not good. But my piano skills are improving - go figure.
Reading - not as much my normal stuff - much more on holistic healing, caring for the caretaker, caring for cancer patients, dealing with illness etc.
I have some legal issues I am going through - nothing bad or major. But it did take me to my friend and attorney. He performed in the concert with me yesterday as well. He is going through his own array of shit too. He and his wife are separating after 35 years together. She came to the performance yesterday and he sang "The way you look tonight". I was touched to be honest. There is still love there between them. It makes me happy and sad for them. I hope they can work it out - it's an awful lot of time invested. We talked a bit about that, covered my issues, more minor than I thought and moved on.
My house needs shaping up. We have put a lot of things on hold pending tests and the like that the normal tasks of living have built up a bit. Hence the reason my taxes are not done yet.
My skin, while not as bad as it could be, is not great. I have made the doctor appointment necessary and will see them tomorrow.
At some point normal will kick in. I just do not know when.
I wonder if you can get a tax extension because of cancer......
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Growth
Like plants, people grow at different paces.
I always laugh when I hear statements like "One day you wake up, you have a wife ( husband,partner whatever), kids, a mortgage and a job. And you wonder how all this happened when just it seems like yesterday that you woke up in a puddle of your own puke after a 3 day bender".
But it's kind of true. In a weird way.
I had an epiphany the other day. During my quiet introspective that I went through this week, I reached out to a friend. She gave me enough pause and enough to think about that I came to the following conclusion.
My best friend has grown a lot - tremendously in fact, despite his unwillingness to want to. Things he does for me, he didn't do for others in his past. Things he talks about with me were topics that were not approachable in his past.
He noticed my introspective and didn't try to intrude, but did try to being me out of it. While it was entirely about him, I wasn't angry or upset and he did nothing specific to cause me to be this way.
I received a call from a good friend today. She advised me that her husband had done some research on the cancer and treatment and wanted to let me know that even in an advanced state, it carries a 90% success rate after treatment. He didn't want me to worry about losing him. I was touched. That was so incredibly sweet of her husband to think of ME that way. He didn't want me to worry and he didn't want to keep upsetting me or my best friend by asking the same questions.
Not that I mind - I don't.
He sent out his notification for his upcoming gigs - it's light month for obvious reasons. But at the bottom of the note - to everyone in the world who knows him - he wrote the following statement:
"A special thank you goes to JoAnn, Denise, Lynne, Sandy and Kat and of course My Contessa for their love and support."
Now I saw it. but I didn't react right away. I went out taught a lesson and reflected on it. He's not prone to statements like this one. Certainly not public ones. So I didn't react right away.
When I returned home, he asked me if I had checke my email. I said I hadn't and sat down to look at it whilest he hovered over me like a kid on Christmas morning. I opened and read it. Right in front of him. I didn't know what to say. But when blinked back my tears and looked at him I said "Thank you Sweetie". It wasn't necessary but I am not telling him that. This was big for him.
I know he's grateful. He thanks me all the time. He's grown so much since this illness. I don't want to jinx it but I think out of this horrible disease may actually come some good.
Growth is hard. I am growing too here. and not the 5lbs I've gaine in the past week either. I learn things about him every day. I learn how he reacts each day and what triggers him and how he copes with tragedy every day. I learn things about myself too, like when I became introspective - I didn't try to pretend I wasn't. Normally I would. Ask anyone who's lived with me - they will all tell you...
Every cloud has a silver lining. I may have just found one....
I always laugh when I hear statements like "One day you wake up, you have a wife ( husband,partner whatever), kids, a mortgage and a job. And you wonder how all this happened when just it seems like yesterday that you woke up in a puddle of your own puke after a 3 day bender".
But it's kind of true. In a weird way.
I had an epiphany the other day. During my quiet introspective that I went through this week, I reached out to a friend. She gave me enough pause and enough to think about that I came to the following conclusion.
My best friend has grown a lot - tremendously in fact, despite his unwillingness to want to. Things he does for me, he didn't do for others in his past. Things he talks about with me were topics that were not approachable in his past.
He noticed my introspective and didn't try to intrude, but did try to being me out of it. While it was entirely about him, I wasn't angry or upset and he did nothing specific to cause me to be this way.
I received a call from a good friend today. She advised me that her husband had done some research on the cancer and treatment and wanted to let me know that even in an advanced state, it carries a 90% success rate after treatment. He didn't want me to worry about losing him. I was touched. That was so incredibly sweet of her husband to think of ME that way. He didn't want me to worry and he didn't want to keep upsetting me or my best friend by asking the same questions.
Not that I mind - I don't.
He sent out his notification for his upcoming gigs - it's light month for obvious reasons. But at the bottom of the note - to everyone in the world who knows him - he wrote the following statement:
"A special thank you goes to JoAnn, Denise, Lynne, Sandy and Kat and of course My Contessa for their love and support."
Now I saw it. but I didn't react right away. I went out taught a lesson and reflected on it. He's not prone to statements like this one. Certainly not public ones. So I didn't react right away.
When I returned home, he asked me if I had checke my email. I said I hadn't and sat down to look at it whilest he hovered over me like a kid on Christmas morning. I opened and read it. Right in front of him. I didn't know what to say. But when blinked back my tears and looked at him I said "Thank you Sweetie". It wasn't necessary but I am not telling him that. This was big for him.
I know he's grateful. He thanks me all the time. He's grown so much since this illness. I don't want to jinx it but I think out of this horrible disease may actually come some good.
Growth is hard. I am growing too here. and not the 5lbs I've gaine in the past week either. I learn things about him every day. I learn how he reacts each day and what triggers him and how he copes with tragedy every day. I learn things about myself too, like when I became introspective - I didn't try to pretend I wasn't. Normally I would. Ask anyone who's lived with me - they will all tell you...
Every cloud has a silver lining. I may have just found one....
Friday, April 04, 2008
The halfway mark
I think Rosie Perez said it best in White Men can't jump....
Sometime you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes, it's a tie.
Every day brings new knowledge to this relationship and it's willing and sometimes unwilling participants.
Surprisingly - or not - depending on how you look at it... I have been the unwilling one in the last few days. Not that I am leaving, or anything like that - it's nothing that bad - it's more like I am less willing than willing but not unwilling...
OK this took a weird turn.
But I know you KNOW what I mean.
I came home last night after a few days of being less willing to discover that he wasn't home. It didn't register right away that I didn't see his car.... I actually walked back down the drive and looked again. I scratched my head and thought
"Well OK but I wouldn't be out socializing with no teeth - but thats just me and my vanity I guess"
The fact is he kind of looks and sounds like the bumble from Rudolph. I don't mind - it doesn't make him less attractive by any means. But his speech - not surprisingly again - is affected. MOst people don't realize that teeth and palette and lips and everything going on in the mouth area affects your speech.
He called to tell me that he went out east to check out the location for late month private party he is working. He sounded good. He needed to be out and about a bit. He told me has planning to swing by his buddy's Open Mic on the way home and just cover some business as they do some gig's together. He planned to be home around 11 -12.
I decided to take advantage of the time by talking with a mutual friend who has the benefit of a lot more years both on this earth and knowing him. It turned out to be a smart move. A lot of misconceptions on both of us were set to rest. Some hurt feelings were reconciled. Talking with her eased my mind considerably.
He walked in around 2. I was dosing in bed. He started cooking - don't ask - this happens every time he comes home from that open mic - he makes breakfast for himself. I heard him swear in the middle of all of this and stumbled into the kitchen. He apologized for waking me, then told me about his night. His buddy send regards - remembers me fondly from the ALS benefit 2 years ago ( I know he was ther but that day was seriously a blur!)... told me about the place where the party is, he finally located his webdesigner - that sort of thing. I leaned my head against the doorway and knocked it harder than planned. He looked at me and turned me around and put me back to bed saying
"I'm going to eat my eggs and then come to bed. If your still awake and want to - we can watch a movie?"
I smiled as I laid in bed. I know this sounds really goofy, but he's been sleeping on the couch recovering so much lately that I have missed him. He's not taking the Vicadin anymore. He's sleeping more soundly. He needed the rest and though I offered the bed, he was happier on the couch so he could channel surf without waking me.
Shortly after he came to bed and we searched movies in our on demand channels. Being the insane movie people that we are, I subscribe to everything thats subscribable. We found Catch and release and since neither of us saw it all the way through, this was a good choice. We were both really enchanted by it. What a charming movie and a wonderful sound track. Which reminds me - I need to buy that! I think I will check on Itunes today.
As the movie ended and I drifted off to sleep, I was relieved to feel like my old self again,re-connected to the man I love. Lord that sounds nerdy. But it's true. I also have to say that when he was talking about me to someone else tonight, he was re-connecting with me even though I wasn't there. It made him want to come home and nurture the relationship a little bit even subconsciouly.
I am sleep deprived today. But in the best way possible.
Sometime you win, sometimes you lose and sometimes, it's a tie.
Every day brings new knowledge to this relationship and it's willing and sometimes unwilling participants.
Surprisingly - or not - depending on how you look at it... I have been the unwilling one in the last few days. Not that I am leaving, or anything like that - it's nothing that bad - it's more like I am less willing than willing but not unwilling...
OK this took a weird turn.
But I know you KNOW what I mean.
I came home last night after a few days of being less willing to discover that he wasn't home. It didn't register right away that I didn't see his car.... I actually walked back down the drive and looked again. I scratched my head and thought
"Well OK but I wouldn't be out socializing with no teeth - but thats just me and my vanity I guess"
The fact is he kind of looks and sounds like the bumble from Rudolph. I don't mind - it doesn't make him less attractive by any means. But his speech - not surprisingly again - is affected. MOst people don't realize that teeth and palette and lips and everything going on in the mouth area affects your speech.
He called to tell me that he went out east to check out the location for late month private party he is working. He sounded good. He needed to be out and about a bit. He told me has planning to swing by his buddy's Open Mic on the way home and just cover some business as they do some gig's together. He planned to be home around 11 -12.
I decided to take advantage of the time by talking with a mutual friend who has the benefit of a lot more years both on this earth and knowing him. It turned out to be a smart move. A lot of misconceptions on both of us were set to rest. Some hurt feelings were reconciled. Talking with her eased my mind considerably.
He walked in around 2. I was dosing in bed. He started cooking - don't ask - this happens every time he comes home from that open mic - he makes breakfast for himself. I heard him swear in the middle of all of this and stumbled into the kitchen. He apologized for waking me, then told me about his night. His buddy send regards - remembers me fondly from the ALS benefit 2 years ago ( I know he was ther but that day was seriously a blur!)... told me about the place where the party is, he finally located his webdesigner - that sort of thing. I leaned my head against the doorway and knocked it harder than planned. He looked at me and turned me around and put me back to bed saying
"I'm going to eat my eggs and then come to bed. If your still awake and want to - we can watch a movie?"
I smiled as I laid in bed. I know this sounds really goofy, but he's been sleeping on the couch recovering so much lately that I have missed him. He's not taking the Vicadin anymore. He's sleeping more soundly. He needed the rest and though I offered the bed, he was happier on the couch so he could channel surf without waking me.
Shortly after he came to bed and we searched movies in our on demand channels. Being the insane movie people that we are, I subscribe to everything thats subscribable. We found Catch and release and since neither of us saw it all the way through, this was a good choice. We were both really enchanted by it. What a charming movie and a wonderful sound track. Which reminds me - I need to buy that! I think I will check on Itunes today.
As the movie ended and I drifted off to sleep, I was relieved to feel like my old self again,re-connected to the man I love. Lord that sounds nerdy. But it's true. I also have to say that when he was talking about me to someone else tonight, he was re-connecting with me even though I wasn't there. It made him want to come home and nurture the relationship a little bit even subconsciouly.
I am sleep deprived today. But in the best way possible.
Wednesday, April 02, 2008
Am I being unreasonable?
I know things have changed in my life really really - well really fast in the past 2 months and change.
The fact is Since 1/17 my life has been really different. So much happened so quickly that I know that we both are just reacting as it comes.
Some interesting realizations have crept up on me. Things like, he is exactly the same now as he was in his 20's in many areas.
I now truly understand much of what makes up his insecurities. And his relief from them only feeds and fuels mine further.
The fact is Since 1/17 my life has been really different. So much happened so quickly that I know that we both are just reacting as it comes.
Some interesting realizations have crept up on me. Things like, he is exactly the same now as he was in his 20's in many areas.
I now truly understand much of what makes up his insecurities. And his relief from them only feeds and fuels mine further.
I awoke this morning feeling tired, frustrated and generally out of sorts. I wish it could be work, but that's no longer the stresser that it once was. OH it still has its moments but in general, not so bad anymore.
I am frustrated because I feel unappreciated. Oh he thanks me for helping, but I feel like he's just that much more appreciative of the MILLIONS who call to offer well wishes in response to his dramatic emails and text messages. However they aren't the ones doing the hard work. I am. So am I unreasonable about this?
Meanwhile - I feel like an ass for even ALLOWING that to cross my mind - why??? because this is his coping mechanism and I should not be resentful of that. And in truth its not the resentment to it that bothers me.... its that this takes precedence over all the crap I do here.
I have a wise friend in the south. Jules and I spoke today. She mentioned an interesting concept here. She believes that he has to handle these other people that way because he doesn't believe that he will get the support from them without working for it. So he treats them better because he knows I won't leave him.
It's the perversity of human nature. Meanwhile I have become somewhat quiet and withdrawn and he has noticed and doesn't know what to do. I can't rally right now though I am trying to. It just frustrates me. And I know I am being unreasonable... but I am missing a lot of the things that we used to do together. The uncompromised time we spent together- without his phone pinging constantly with calls and texts.
Things are off for us right now. Really really off. I understand that. I understand why. I know he's in pain.... I know he's not capable of eating regular food right now. I get it. He's not happy, he's more depressed. I really understand. I just need some understanding too. I don't want to be just a "room mate" and that's what it feels like right now.
What I want most is for him to be well again. I want him to be healthy and well and hopefully wise - r....
It can't happen soon enough - every day that this goes on I worry that the cancer spreads further.
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Keeping things normal
An interesting topic came up yesterday.
He came home from the annual St Patricks day parade a couple of towns over.... ( Please do not ask me the rationale for why they had this on March 28. It had to do with it being the seat of the Cathloci Diocese and Easter... you really don't want to know). He had been with his best buddy from HS and some of the "kids" ( early 20's ) that he hangs with from the restaurants he works in over the summer... They were durnk - duh. He made sure they got a table and some food in their stomachs when they all decided to get mushy on him about his illness.
He was, for the first time, bothered. On the surface for those who don't know him, it wouldn't have appeared bothersome but the mere fact that he mentioned it to me at all means he was bothered by it.
Once finished with his story - he told me that he only told the people that wouldn't fall apart on him about it. Then he asked me why I didn't fall apart.
I admitted that I had, I just wouldn't ever do it in front of him. He was surprised. I'm generally known as the mushiest of all of them. So the fact that he hasn't seen it at all really struck him. So I told him about Mark and his esophagial cancer. He knew the story, but had forgotten.
The fact is, Mark told only 2 people he was sick outside of his immediate family. For this very reason. He knew he was terminal and he knew that there was no way he could handle everyone falling apart on him. So he made sure his family and best friend didn't share with anyone. Until he died.
He came home from the annual St Patricks day parade a couple of towns over.... ( Please do not ask me the rationale for why they had this on March 28. It had to do with it being the seat of the Cathloci Diocese and Easter... you really don't want to know). He had been with his best buddy from HS and some of the "kids" ( early 20's ) that he hangs with from the restaurants he works in over the summer... They were durnk - duh. He made sure they got a table and some food in their stomachs when they all decided to get mushy on him about his illness.
He was, for the first time, bothered. On the surface for those who don't know him, it wouldn't have appeared bothersome but the mere fact that he mentioned it to me at all means he was bothered by it.
Once finished with his story - he told me that he only told the people that wouldn't fall apart on him about it. Then he asked me why I didn't fall apart.
I admitted that I had, I just wouldn't ever do it in front of him. He was surprised. I'm generally known as the mushiest of all of them. So the fact that he hasn't seen it at all really struck him. So I told him about Mark and his esophagial cancer. He knew the story, but had forgotten.
The fact is, Mark told only 2 people he was sick outside of his immediate family. For this very reason. He knew he was terminal and he knew that there was no way he could handle everyone falling apart on him. So he made sure his family and best friend didn't share with anyone. Until he died.
I retold this story - and my best friend stood in the hallway, jacket still on, and said "I can't cope that way. I need to talk about it and get support from others".
"I understand that and that's what makes you different from Mark - though you are so similar in many other ways. Whatever you need to do to cope in this area is fine. Talk about - don't talk about it - just do what's best for you and not worry about anyone else." Was my reply.
"I am the luckiest man in the world. I know the best people. Starting with you. The whole reason that this situation is actualy tolerable is that I wake up here every day. " He walk to me and hugs me long and hard.
I am speechless ( YES ME!). My eyes well up with tears. I choke them back so he doesn't see them and I reply:
"Yes. You are indeed lucky. For not only do you know the best people, but they have the priviledge of knowing you. And I am blessed to love you. "
Thursday, March 27, 2008
You can't win all the time
I had my "best friend bullshit-o-meter" installed about a month ago.
This is the neat meter that enables the woman in his life to determine what is fact and what is BS.
His younger sister alerted me to it during the crisis of both cars being dead at the same time. I mentioned that there was something wrong with his odometer and she held up her hand and said " I refuse to listen to anything where he and cars are concerned. He does not and will not take care of them".
Hunh.
That's odd - because I recall the conversation about 2 months ago where he said he still had time before he needed an oil change.
(Picture me scratching me head and looking confused)
Then she said - "Do you have your best-friend-bullshit-o-meter tuned up?"
That's when I realized mine must be outdated as I had it installed about 10 years ago but because we broke up and stopped speaking for awhile I let the updates lapse.
So I had it tweaked and updated and tuned up and all that.
And Guess what???
That's right.
It works.
Get this.
We both had business to conduct last night. We both expectd to be home by 9. He wanted an early night as he had an MRI the next day.
I should warn you that he has a claustrophobia thing. So he went ahead and checked out the machine and the room the day before to make sure it wouldn't drive him too batty. He knew it was closed but decided to go ahead with it anyway.
I arrived home at 10 and he wasn't back yet. Not surprised that he wasn't home yet, I went about doing what needed to be done. Next thing I knew - it was 1AM.
I call to make sure that he isn't dead. He was on his way home. He ended up finishing his business and played an impromptu gig that payed. Not too shabby.
He got home and it was clear that he had been drinking. Not too heavily but heavily enough. I pretty much predicted at that moment that the MRI wasn't happening.
This morning I wake up and the first thing out of his mouth
"I'm not having the MRI today"
Duh. Really?
"why not?" ( I already know)
"The Claustrophobia thing" he says, not looking at me.
come on now - who are you kidding?
"I thought you were going to suck it up and do it anyway? What changed" ( the vodka that's what)
"I had a dream about it." (At your age - this is the best you can do???)
"Well you need to call and reschedule it - let's do that now. It needs to be done prior to the radiation. " I say - handing him his phone.
"Yes - I"ll do that now....." He gets up to leave
Following him.... "Why don't you ask if you can be medicated before putting you in - valium or something"....
"OK good idea...." Not that many places to go within the house.....
I start working and I hear him on the phone.
The next thing that happened was he spent the day in bed.
I guess that Bullshit-o-meter works pretty well.
This is the neat meter that enables the woman in his life to determine what is fact and what is BS.
His younger sister alerted me to it during the crisis of both cars being dead at the same time. I mentioned that there was something wrong with his odometer and she held up her hand and said " I refuse to listen to anything where he and cars are concerned. He does not and will not take care of them".
Hunh.
That's odd - because I recall the conversation about 2 months ago where he said he still had time before he needed an oil change.
(Picture me scratching me head and looking confused)
Then she said - "Do you have your best-friend-bullshit-o-meter tuned up?"
That's when I realized mine must be outdated as I had it installed about 10 years ago but because we broke up and stopped speaking for awhile I let the updates lapse.
So I had it tweaked and updated and tuned up and all that.
And Guess what???
That's right.
It works.
Get this.
We both had business to conduct last night. We both expectd to be home by 9. He wanted an early night as he had an MRI the next day.
I should warn you that he has a claustrophobia thing. So he went ahead and checked out the machine and the room the day before to make sure it wouldn't drive him too batty. He knew it was closed but decided to go ahead with it anyway.
I arrived home at 10 and he wasn't back yet. Not surprised that he wasn't home yet, I went about doing what needed to be done. Next thing I knew - it was 1AM.
I call to make sure that he isn't dead. He was on his way home. He ended up finishing his business and played an impromptu gig that payed. Not too shabby.
He got home and it was clear that he had been drinking. Not too heavily but heavily enough. I pretty much predicted at that moment that the MRI wasn't happening.
This morning I wake up and the first thing out of his mouth
"I'm not having the MRI today"
Duh. Really?
"why not?" ( I already know)
"The Claustrophobia thing" he says, not looking at me.
come on now - who are you kidding?
"I thought you were going to suck it up and do it anyway? What changed" ( the vodka that's what)
"I had a dream about it." (At your age - this is the best you can do???)
"Well you need to call and reschedule it - let's do that now. It needs to be done prior to the radiation. " I say - handing him his phone.
"Yes - I"ll do that now....." He gets up to leave
Following him.... "Why don't you ask if you can be medicated before putting you in - valium or something"....
"OK good idea...." Not that many places to go within the house.....
I start working and I hear him on the phone.
The next thing that happened was he spent the day in bed.
I guess that Bullshit-o-meter works pretty well.
Wednesday, March 26, 2008
Let the bad times become the good times
"When I was younger man I hadn't a care
Foolin' around, hitting the town, growing my hair
You came along and stole my heart when you entered my life
Ooh babe you got what it takes so I made you my wife"
The man I am in love with was this guy. Describing him as Peter Pan would be an understatement.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like living a dream
And ooh I love you
He has looked back. Many times. He spent a lot of dwelling time looking back. Now I think he's starting to get off his butt and possibly remove his head from it. His life is improving ever so slowly because it HAS to.
You came along from far away and found me here
I was playin' around, feeling down, hittin' the beer
You picked me up from off the floor and gave me a smile
You said you're much too young, your life ain't begun, let's walk for awhile
There is a lot of truth to the old adage, The best husbands come from reformed playboys. I know this to be true of him. Ever so slowly I see the turn away from old destructive behaviours. I see new and stable ones taking their place. There is never a more apt description than this verse. That includes the drinking, the plaring around, the feelin down... all of it.
And as my head was spinnin' 'round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
Thank you babe for being a friend
And shinin' your light in my life
'cause ooh I need you
As my head was comin' round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
We started out as friends. I believe that some of the best relationships started out that way. We have this connection, it's in each others eyes. We but have to look at each other and we know what the other is thinking and it was ALWAYS like that. And it continues.
Thanks again for being my friend
And straightenin' out my life
'cause ooh I need you
Honestly - those of you who know me - you know this is exactly what is happening. This part of the chorus. He tells me every day how much he appreciates me.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like livin' a dream
Ooh I got you
If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you
One of my best friends, Elle, said the words "Let the Good times be the Bad" to me after her mom passed away in August.
Her mom told her this before she died. About marriage and relationships.
And if there was ever a couple that would know a little bit about this, it her parents.
What she meant, in essence, was that if you can support each through the bad times the good times are a piece of cake. When you look back on your life as a couple, you look at the bad times as well as the good because those are the times that you grow as a couple.
You have to grow individually but also together. It's a tough balance.
This morning, in the midst of all the negative stuff that's been going on lately, I awoke at 8Am to a song that means a lot to us and one that I love.
The irony here, I was in the middle of a horrific dream. Waking up to this song, with him standing in the doorway, proud of himself for getting his computer in and setup AND playing my favorite song, was a beautiful start to my day.
See here's the up's of late.
He told me the other day how lucky he was to have me and how good about himself I make him feel.
Then I spent some time with his niece who told me how happy she was that he had me in his life and told him not to screw it up.
He cooked me dinner twice in 4 days and did the dishes and tool out the garbage without being asked or prodded.
He started re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He brought me lunch.
He picked up music for me because he didn't think I would have time.
And most importantly, he is starting to become more optomistic. He admitted to being depressed and I gave him the job of re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He embraced it so succinctly that he is up and at it every day. He set up playlists of music I will like so I can listen while I work. He gave me a CD of all his personal original tunes.
And he wants to start to get to know my friends and my family more.
"If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you"
I never thought a life threatening disease would change things so positively for him and us. I am thankful every day and consider myself to be blessed. It's not been without it's thorns but I wouldn't trade it.
Foolin' around, hitting the town, growing my hair
You came along and stole my heart when you entered my life
Ooh babe you got what it takes so I made you my wife"
The man I am in love with was this guy. Describing him as Peter Pan would be an understatement.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like living a dream
And ooh I love you
He has looked back. Many times. He spent a lot of dwelling time looking back. Now I think he's starting to get off his butt and possibly remove his head from it. His life is improving ever so slowly because it HAS to.
You came along from far away and found me here
I was playin' around, feeling down, hittin' the beer
You picked me up from off the floor and gave me a smile
You said you're much too young, your life ain't begun, let's walk for awhile
There is a lot of truth to the old adage, The best husbands come from reformed playboys. I know this to be true of him. Ever so slowly I see the turn away from old destructive behaviours. I see new and stable ones taking their place. There is never a more apt description than this verse. That includes the drinking, the plaring around, the feelin down... all of it.
And as my head was spinnin' 'round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
Thank you babe for being a friend
And shinin' your light in my life
'cause ooh I need you
As my head was comin' round
I gazed into your eyes
And thought ooh I want you
We started out as friends. I believe that some of the best relationships started out that way. We have this connection, it's in each others eyes. We but have to look at each other and we know what the other is thinking and it was ALWAYS like that. And it continues.
Thanks again for being my friend
And straightenin' out my life
'cause ooh I need you
Honestly - those of you who know me - you know this is exactly what is happening. This part of the chorus. He tells me every day how much he appreciates me.
Since then I never looked back
It's almost like livin' a dream
Ooh I got you
If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you
One of my best friends, Elle, said the words "Let the Good times be the Bad" to me after her mom passed away in August.
Her mom told her this before she died. About marriage and relationships.
And if there was ever a couple that would know a little bit about this, it her parents.
What she meant, in essence, was that if you can support each through the bad times the good times are a piece of cake. When you look back on your life as a couple, you look at the bad times as well as the good because those are the times that you grow as a couple.
You have to grow individually but also together. It's a tough balance.
This morning, in the midst of all the negative stuff that's been going on lately, I awoke at 8Am to a song that means a lot to us and one that I love.
The irony here, I was in the middle of a horrific dream. Waking up to this song, with him standing in the doorway, proud of himself for getting his computer in and setup AND playing my favorite song, was a beautiful start to my day.
See here's the up's of late.
He told me the other day how lucky he was to have me and how good about himself I make him feel.
Then I spent some time with his niece who told me how happy she was that he had me in his life and told him not to screw it up.
He cooked me dinner twice in 4 days and did the dishes and tool out the garbage without being asked or prodded.
He started re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He brought me lunch.
He picked up music for me because he didn't think I would have time.
And most importantly, he is starting to become more optomistic. He admitted to being depressed and I gave him the job of re-arranging cabinets and closets.
He embraced it so succinctly that he is up and at it every day. He set up playlists of music I will like so I can listen while I work. He gave me a CD of all his personal original tunes.
And he wants to start to get to know my friends and my family more.
"If ever a man had it all
It would have to be me
And ooh I love you"
I never thought a life threatening disease would change things so positively for him and us. I am thankful every day and consider myself to be blessed. It's not been without it's thorns but I wouldn't trade it.
Thursday, March 20, 2008
I'm scared
Everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how I can be strong for those that I love. Or in this case - the one that I love.
While I know this to be true.... each day comes back with information that strikes fear in me. I won't communicate that to him because he's already scared.
He now needs to have oral surgery to remove some of his top teeth. Due to surgeries in his youth for a cleft palette, he has some teeth that were weak but not detrimental. Given that radiation will increase the speed of decay in bone more specifically teeth, he has to have a few removed.
Which means that has to happen immediately as the radiation cannot start until that is healed. Meaning another week or two.
I don't think I need to tell you that this chink in the chain is not the greatest news because it means prolonging the arrest and shrinkage of the tumors.
The good news is still that nothing has spread to date.
We are busy working on Medicaid and I am researching the possible side effects and charts and stats and cargiving info all the while.
But that doesn't erase the fear.
I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer. Information always gives me that option so I research on. I am only now communicating my fears to others as I do not want him burdened with it.
It's funny, my friend Mark passed away of esophagial cancer 4 years ago. He told no one that he was sick. I kind of understand why. He didn't want people to treat him differently and he didn't want to be constantly reminded by people falling apart around him.
Of course that is the complete opposite here. He texts his entire phone book with the news and sends out email blasts to the rest. It makes it easier if he has to tell it fewer times. But on the other hand - he does like the attention.
To a point. When it comes time to be serious and beyond the fans saying "oh no - we'll say a prayer" and the real work starts with driving to and from appts, getting them on the calendar, making sure we have paperwork, the right foods, drinks, meds etc.... he doesn't want to deal at all.
Can't blame him there, but it is still necessary.
Meanwhile, I have this thing where I feel that I need to make everything good and happy and there is no fighting and strife and tra la la.
So when he borrowed my car to go to band practice last night for 2 hours and came home 5 later with no call or anything, I was pissed. Even more to the point, he had been drinking and driving. My car. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. At all. I got 2-3 hours at most and had to wake up at the crack of dawn to move it as he had to park it on the street because my spot was taken at that hour.
Did I pick the fight - no. It wouldn't have mattered if I had - he was drunk he wouldn't have remembered it anyway. I will calmly mention it later but the fact is he was being inconsiderate. I recognize that he wanted to go see one our friends to tell them the latest in person, but evidently his finger broke or his mouth or the freaking cell phone and he was unable to call and let me know so I wouldn't worry. Nothing I could do about the drinking as I wasn't there.
He knows that has to stop - that's the good news. He is going to get some help and treatment for that as well because once the radiation starts - that has to go. Can't do both. It's like pouring fuel on a fire.
To be fair given the status of things and how fast they are changing - I am not sure that I wouldn't' be drunk most of the time... I just wouldn't try to drive or even operate anything heavier than the remote. I don't give him a hard time with it unless he does something stupid like that.
So this blog, at least for the short term, is going to become a bit of a vent/rant/express how I am feeling about all of this. I ask you to please be patient with me. I haven't done the caretaker routine first hand in about 5 years.... I'm out of practice.
And I'm still scared that I could lose the man I love.
While I know this to be true.... each day comes back with information that strikes fear in me. I won't communicate that to him because he's already scared.
He now needs to have oral surgery to remove some of his top teeth. Due to surgeries in his youth for a cleft palette, he has some teeth that were weak but not detrimental. Given that radiation will increase the speed of decay in bone more specifically teeth, he has to have a few removed.
Which means that has to happen immediately as the radiation cannot start until that is healed. Meaning another week or two.
I don't think I need to tell you that this chink in the chain is not the greatest news because it means prolonging the arrest and shrinkage of the tumors.
The good news is still that nothing has spread to date.
We are busy working on Medicaid and I am researching the possible side effects and charts and stats and cargiving info all the while.
But that doesn't erase the fear.
I believe in the power of positive thinking and prayer. Information always gives me that option so I research on. I am only now communicating my fears to others as I do not want him burdened with it.
It's funny, my friend Mark passed away of esophagial cancer 4 years ago. He told no one that he was sick. I kind of understand why. He didn't want people to treat him differently and he didn't want to be constantly reminded by people falling apart around him.
Of course that is the complete opposite here. He texts his entire phone book with the news and sends out email blasts to the rest. It makes it easier if he has to tell it fewer times. But on the other hand - he does like the attention.
To a point. When it comes time to be serious and beyond the fans saying "oh no - we'll say a prayer" and the real work starts with driving to and from appts, getting them on the calendar, making sure we have paperwork, the right foods, drinks, meds etc.... he doesn't want to deal at all.
Can't blame him there, but it is still necessary.
Meanwhile, I have this thing where I feel that I need to make everything good and happy and there is no fighting and strife and tra la la.
So when he borrowed my car to go to band practice last night for 2 hours and came home 5 later with no call or anything, I was pissed. Even more to the point, he had been drinking and driving. My car. I was so angry I couldn't sleep. At all. I got 2-3 hours at most and had to wake up at the crack of dawn to move it as he had to park it on the street because my spot was taken at that hour.
Did I pick the fight - no. It wouldn't have mattered if I had - he was drunk he wouldn't have remembered it anyway. I will calmly mention it later but the fact is he was being inconsiderate. I recognize that he wanted to go see one our friends to tell them the latest in person, but evidently his finger broke or his mouth or the freaking cell phone and he was unable to call and let me know so I wouldn't worry. Nothing I could do about the drinking as I wasn't there.
He knows that has to stop - that's the good news. He is going to get some help and treatment for that as well because once the radiation starts - that has to go. Can't do both. It's like pouring fuel on a fire.
To be fair given the status of things and how fast they are changing - I am not sure that I wouldn't' be drunk most of the time... I just wouldn't try to drive or even operate anything heavier than the remote. I don't give him a hard time with it unless he does something stupid like that.
So this blog, at least for the short term, is going to become a bit of a vent/rant/express how I am feeling about all of this. I ask you to please be patient with me. I haven't done the caretaker routine first hand in about 5 years.... I'm out of practice.
And I'm still scared that I could lose the man I love.
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Worst case scenarios and other disclaimers
I work in profession that regularly has to rely on outside companies to do work for us. That requires my company to regularly have to CYA.
In laymans terms "Cover Your Ass".
So, it came as no surprise to me that CYA applies to ALL professions in some form or another.
In the medical field - they call it "Worst Case Scenario".
I think I like that term better - but not when it applies to someone I love.
So - the-worst-case-scenario that we got from the Endoscopy appt yesterday was:
"You may lose your voice and your ability to speak and sing. We can do a trachyotmoy and give you a speaking box to communicate with".
I freaked out. I went to bed.
Quite literally - I got up and went to bed. I had timed out.
Earlier in the day, when leaving to GO to this appt, I was already half brain dead and he kissed me on top of the head and told me to stop worrying.
How the hell am I supposed to do that??? HELLO. HAve we JUST met????
Then that disclaimer comes in on the heels of "it hasn't moved or spread. Everything looks exactly the same"
Listen, I don't want to hold the outcome of this over anyone's head. This is no one's fault. Certainly not the doctors who are so willing to help a person who cannot pay for his treatments.
I just didn't like that answer.
We started a file and he made copies of everything and is working through his sister on a second opinion through Sloan Kettering. We are blessed that she worked there for so long prior to her career change.
The Radiation will start next week as planned since more than likely that has to happen anyway.
I am praying that there is a surgical option rather than a chemo option at this point as well.
So there is the latest. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's support and love. It means the world to me.
In laymans terms "Cover Your Ass".
So, it came as no surprise to me that CYA applies to ALL professions in some form or another.
In the medical field - they call it "Worst Case Scenario".
I think I like that term better - but not when it applies to someone I love.
So - the-worst-case-scenario that we got from the Endoscopy appt yesterday was:
"You may lose your voice and your ability to speak and sing. We can do a trachyotmoy and give you a speaking box to communicate with".
I freaked out. I went to bed.
Quite literally - I got up and went to bed. I had timed out.
Earlier in the day, when leaving to GO to this appt, I was already half brain dead and he kissed me on top of the head and told me to stop worrying.
How the hell am I supposed to do that??? HELLO. HAve we JUST met????
Then that disclaimer comes in on the heels of "it hasn't moved or spread. Everything looks exactly the same"
Listen, I don't want to hold the outcome of this over anyone's head. This is no one's fault. Certainly not the doctors who are so willing to help a person who cannot pay for his treatments.
I just didn't like that answer.
We started a file and he made copies of everything and is working through his sister on a second opinion through Sloan Kettering. We are blessed that she worked there for so long prior to her career change.
The Radiation will start next week as planned since more than likely that has to happen anyway.
I am praying that there is a surgical option rather than a chemo option at this point as well.
So there is the latest. I can't tell you how much I appreciate everyone's support and love. It means the world to me.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
The big "C", research, fear, chemo, radiation - to name a few keywords....
The Big "c'.
In my parents' day, this was statement was usually uttered in a stage whisper. Accompanied by the sign of the cross or "bite your tongue" or spitting depending on your nationality / religious beliefs.
Cancer.
It's amazing to me. When I hear about people who have it, I always think "They are tough and fighters - they can beat this - the success rate is so much higher today than ever before."
This one is too close to home. In fact - it's IN my home, though I am not the patient.
And I can't say those words to myself. Hence the fear.
In my parents' day, this was statement was usually uttered in a stage whisper. Accompanied by the sign of the cross or "bite your tongue" or spitting depending on your nationality / religious beliefs.
Cancer.
It's amazing to me. When I hear about people who have it, I always think "They are tough and fighters - they can beat this - the success rate is so much higher today than ever before."
This one is too close to home. In fact - it's IN my home, though I am not the patient.
And I can't say those words to myself. Hence the fear.
Fear is generally irrational and not grounded in reality or logic. At least not in the beginning.
Emotionally - I am afraid of losing him to this disease. I am angry that he has it, angry that he let it go for two years untreated and angry that it's in the throat which is his primary means of work. I am scared that we an't do enough fast enough to arrest it and treat it. I am afraid of the side effects. I am afraid of being without him.That said, I started researching Medicaid, the American Cancer society and I also started talking to my holistic healer who has battled breast cancer and survived through a combination of traditional means ( she did the radiation and chemo treatment) and through holistic treatments as well.
I am all intentions of re-vamping the dietary plan we have been eating on ( largely consisiting of take out and vodka.) and bringing more natural and organic foos into the house. More fruits and veggies. That sort of thing.
We have stepped up the closing down of his old house. I don't want the threat of that hanging over us while we are in the middle of a bigger situation. So that is being stepped up.
We have a lot to do and not a lot of time. The official diagnosis was Thursday. This tuesday is another test that will stage it and then radiation the following week and chemo the week after that.
I am fighting to get a second opinion simultaneous to the radiation. I think before anyone puts poison in their body they should absolutely get at least one more opinion. Additionally I have started bringing in the moisturizers for his skin as the radiation is very painful on the skin and hard on it overall. Given that his immune system is weak I have asked my holistic healer to please bring a bottle of the probiotics tonight to help put the good bacteria and help build him back up.
As I said a lot to do and very little time to do it. My stress level is higher today than other days but I also in major need of sleep. I am also needing to keep busy which I am doing by cleaning and organizing.
I need all your prayers and good thoughts here.
Saturday, March 08, 2008
Music of my heart
You'll never know, what you've done for me
What your faith in me, has done for my soul
You'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
Through the days ahead I'll think of days before
You made me hope for something better
And made me reach for something more
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart (music of my heart)
What your faith in me, has done for my soul
You'll never know the gift you've given me
I'll carry it with me
Through the days ahead I'll think of days before
You made me hope for something better
And made me reach for something more
My best friend has taught me a lot of things. It was ironic. I was re-fitting a slip cover to the couch last night and he was cooking dinner, and we were just idly discussing the documentary we had been watching about de-criminalizing illegal drugs.
It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have never watched so many documentaries as I have since he came along. I've enjoyed and learned tons from most of them.
With that, I have noticed that I have seriously given thought to, and re-formed my opinions on many social and political issues of our time. Of course, I haven't gotten a personality transplant or anything. As I have always done, I see the other persons point of view, but it doesn't necessarily mean I agree with them.
We have full discussions about the state of our union, religious views, drugs, prostitution, rape, the prison system, slavery, prejudice, gangs, the homeless, medical insurance and socialized medicine...
Seriously - these are not conversations I tend to engage in. Not never, but not wanting to do battle as a rule, I stay away from these topics. We don't do battle though we don't always see eye to eye. The thing is I have learned that many of my opinions are based on my own personal fears.
You taught me to runYou taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart (music of my heart)
He has also taught me to free up the music in me and not be locked into the one thing I know how to do. Having made the observation that I am afraid to disappoint him and embarrass the seasoned performer, he has not pushed me hard. However, he also observed that every single thing he has asked me to pick up and learn I have picked up and done.
To my surprise, I am actually becoming a much better musician because of him. I am certainly more well rounded in this area and I am retaining my classical side as well.
Our voice blend like we were born to sing together. I am ever surprised when I hear us. It always makes me smile when he asks me in social settings to grab the high harmonies and please sing louder!
You were the one, always on my side (always on my side)
Always standing by (always standing by)
Seeing me through
You were the song that always made me sing (made me sing)
I'm singing this for you
Everywhere I go, I'll think of where I've been
And all of ones who knew me better then any One ever will again
I'm told I'm a strong person. While I know that that is fundamentally true, I don't feel that way most of the time.
I feel in many ways, stronger because of him an sometimes weaker because I rely on him. I don't mean these things in negative ways. Having him at my defense, having him need me and vice versa- these are the things that go along with any relationship of substance from friendship to marriage to any partnership. I know this, but it's strange. Until it's the right kind of partnership with the right person, those things feel wrong. With us, they come almost naturally. Without a second thought.
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
you opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart
There are aspects of this partnership that I love and wouldn't trade and some that I miss from before. Though I have faith that all will come right in the end, for the time being things are going just fine.
He has taught me so much about the person I was, the person I am and the person I am becoming. I feel that though things are murky now they are clearer than they have ever been. I feel that the highs and lows of the past year, while harsh and difficult, lead us to this place. and for a very specific reason.
What you've taught me
Only your love could ever teach me
You got through when no one could reach me before
'Cause you always saw in me
All the best that I could be
It was you who set me free
He forced down that wall when no one else could. He broke the barriers, and forced me, gently, to see that I was capable of love. He taught me that I had to start taking better care of me and not necessarily sacrificing my happiness for someone Else's. OK - I haven't QUITE mastered that last one but here's to effort!
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside
Helped me hear the music of my heart
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You taught me to run
You taught me to fly
Helped me to free the me inside (me inside)
Helped me hear the music of my heart (music of my heart)
Helped me hear the music of my heart
You opened my eyes
You opened the door
To something I've never known before
And your love, is the music of my heart
Music of my heart
Music of my heart
Is the music of my heart
I write this today, because after 1 year, he has finally been to see the doctor. He has a mass pressing against his carotid artery and it is causing him enormous amounts of pain an some more alarming side affects. He has had it biopsied and Tuesday we get the results.
Though I am trying to remain positive and not jump to any conclusions, my mind does wander into that dangerous territory of "what if" once in a while. The thing is, from a purely selfish point a view, I haven't had him long enough. I'm not ready to let him go. If sheer acts of love and will and positive thinking can do anything at all - I'm all in. In fact, now that I have put it down on my blog I think I can let go of that forbidden place and completely focus on him being OK. Needing minimal treatment. Staying around.
He mentioned the other day, that commitment is committing to do the hard day to day work in addition to the big things. The problems of the living so to speak.
I am worried. I am prayerful. I am thankful.
He's the music in my heart.
Saturday, February 09, 2008
A request for prayers
I don't often ask.
For help, or prayers or anything in that vein...
However.
My best friend has FINALLY decided to go to the Emergency room on Monday. The lump gets larger and larger and is causing unbelievable pain in him so that he wimpers all night and holds his neck. He has been taking aleve or bayer aspirin as a way of combatting the pain. And vodka when it's really bad. He also has been coughing up blood.
I'm scared. He's scared.
I'm happy he's going but I need all the prayers I can for him. I am so afraid it will be career ending for him, or worse yet, life ending. It's gone on too long but I can't make him do anything about it - he has to do it on his timetable.
so I'm glad he's finally going.
Please pray to whatever supreme deity you support that this is treatable and not life or career threatening. For me. and more importanly, for him.
My advance heartfelt thanks!
For help, or prayers or anything in that vein...
However.
My best friend has FINALLY decided to go to the Emergency room on Monday. The lump gets larger and larger and is causing unbelievable pain in him so that he wimpers all night and holds his neck. He has been taking aleve or bayer aspirin as a way of combatting the pain. And vodka when it's really bad. He also has been coughing up blood.
I'm scared. He's scared.
I'm happy he's going but I need all the prayers I can for him. I am so afraid it will be career ending for him, or worse yet, life ending. It's gone on too long but I can't make him do anything about it - he has to do it on his timetable.
so I'm glad he's finally going.
Please pray to whatever supreme deity you support that this is treatable and not life or career threatening. For me. and more importanly, for him.
My advance heartfelt thanks!
Friday, January 04, 2008
More on editing
I can talk up a good game on this editing thing.
I describe it, tell you how it's done, give tips and tricks on making it work.
But in the end, human nature prevails.
You know the old saying "Good news travels fast, but bad news travels faster?"
The same concept applies to our memories.
Interestingly enough, If you have two confrontations that happen with the same people at the same event - one positive and one negative - which are you going to remember?
Most people will dwell on the negative. Or at least that will be the first thing that comes to mind when, at some future date, you are asked to recall the said event.
I'm going to use this Christmas day as my example.
Having gone on record and said already that this was the holiday season FROM HELL, it was in no way - and I mean what I say here - in NO WAY due to my family.
It may be the first time ever, but there were no incidents that readily come to mind.
This is an example of the editing that I chose to employ.
Here's the reality.
Mary, a friend of the family, has two sons. They are 5 and 3. They are the most delightful, sweet and funny BOY boys you will ever find. I can't get enough of them and am always thrilled to be around them and included in events with them.
But they are 5 and 3.
My brothers and I spent the day before giggling and laughing at my mother because she is a neat freak extraodinaire. Sadly a trait I did not inherit.... but I digress.
With all the kids traipsing through her house, putting sticky hands on the glass doors, spilling juice on the carpet, drool, spitting up, etc.... she didn't even flinch. We didn't even know what to do when there was nothing covering the dining room table. HOw were we to eat? Where would be put the plates? Not on the WOOD???? isn't that the eleventh commandment???
So Christmas day, the little boys (A&M), their parents, my brother, my mom and I are upstairs playing Christmas Carols. I put a closed and sealed bottle of Diet Coke on a book on the piano. My mom, in mom fashion, put it on the floor. "A" proceeds to kick it and put it back so that no one notices ( I am told this later). I pick it up, open it, it sprays everywhere.
You would actually think, that surgical triage was about to take place, barking orders screaming at people to move move move. She was a little "crazed" - ( not hard to see where it comes from now eh?).
We clean up the mess, and get back to singing. I wasn't quite up for it, after the disaster, so I worked with the kids.
But I was a little upset. She made SUCH a freaking commotion over this that I felt like a stupid 8 year old who can't get it together and just have a drink.
But I recount it now solely to illustrate my actual success at editing this. Here the reality. I am really reaching to recount how I felt. Other than the obvious - not a good feeling - I can't really tell you what all went through my mind. And I let it go, within minutes.
I am trying to do this with little things right now. The big things are so unbelieveably hard to let go.
My best friend and I are having a lot of trouble right now. Still. It's just added because now, instead of just his issues, now we have mine too. double the trouble.... ah a little humor to lighten things up.
I have started the editing and started some new attitudes and behaviours regarding this relationship. I won't resort to actual gameplaying, but we put some space in right now and let us heal a bit individually.
We both had some serious meltdowns on each other this past month. It was very bad. On both parts. Neither one of us is coming out of this holiday smelling like a rose. But I think that we can learn from this. He's already started correcting some of his things. And I need to start evaluating myself.
I know that I said no resolutions. These aren't New Years Resolutions - these are life resolutions.
1. I am working on trust. I need to trust him more and actually show it, not just say it. It's not him - it's everyone. I just don't trust. But I'm working on that.
2. I haven't like my life in the past 2 months. That is entirely my own fault because I allowed certain factors to encroach upon the things that make me who I am. So I am going back to those "solar" or rational activities that make me who I am. My music, my kids, my pets, exercise.... all of it.
3. My job. I have extended the deadline to the end of First quarter. There are major job shifts taking place and I need to see the direction that is going to be taking place. I am looking outside as well as inside the company for other opportunities n the meantime. I have uncovered in the past 2 weeks that I do not like my manager at all and that I do not have the mental strength to continue working for him unless he changes, he won't because he doesn't have to. As far as HIS boss is concerned - he walks on water. So that kind of sealed my decision. But I am open to negotiations.
4. My mental health and sanity - I need to deal with my insecurities and my fear that no man will love me for who I am. I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser 24x7. I need to be able to tap into the inner emotional strength that I know I have as I give to all around me. In other words, I need to make myself a priority. I am taking care of the physical part - 35 lbs down and 3 sizes, blood pressure is looking good. But the psychological issues are really starting to creep up and bite me. In ways I didn't expect.
There will be more as they come up as this is not just a one year thing - these changes are forever as far as I am concerned.
I need to get more silliness and happiness into my life. I was happy but closed off this time of last year. I am open, walls torn down, more exposed and I now have periods of happiness but generally - for right now - I'm now. I'm not even sad really anymore. I'm just borderline anxious. Not anxious enough to not sleep anymore, or eat even - I do sleep - not well - and I do eat - not well. But both activities are happening so one step at a time.
I have targetted my first editing routine. I have been trying, unseuccessfully, to use it on his entire meltdown. Instead of "forgetting" the bad stuff, I now lump up ALL the good stuff in it's place and smile in spite of myself - thus enabling me to not dwell on the bad. Still Editing - just a different twist. We'll call it the editors magic trick.
I am going to warn you now, flee if you want - but don't say I didn't tell you. This blog is going to be about my changes outlined here and in future posts. If you thought you were sick of hearing about the man before, it's not going to get better in terms of volume. It will most likely get better in terms of how this is going.... but the volume is going to go up. It's part of my decompression and part of my recovery from the depression I have been in. Don't say you weren't warned!
I describe it, tell you how it's done, give tips and tricks on making it work.
But in the end, human nature prevails.
You know the old saying "Good news travels fast, but bad news travels faster?"
The same concept applies to our memories.
Interestingly enough, If you have two confrontations that happen with the same people at the same event - one positive and one negative - which are you going to remember?
Most people will dwell on the negative. Or at least that will be the first thing that comes to mind when, at some future date, you are asked to recall the said event.
I'm going to use this Christmas day as my example.
Having gone on record and said already that this was the holiday season FROM HELL, it was in no way - and I mean what I say here - in NO WAY due to my family.
It may be the first time ever, but there were no incidents that readily come to mind.
This is an example of the editing that I chose to employ.
Here's the reality.
Mary, a friend of the family, has two sons. They are 5 and 3. They are the most delightful, sweet and funny BOY boys you will ever find. I can't get enough of them and am always thrilled to be around them and included in events with them.
But they are 5 and 3.
My brothers and I spent the day before giggling and laughing at my mother because she is a neat freak extraodinaire. Sadly a trait I did not inherit.... but I digress.
With all the kids traipsing through her house, putting sticky hands on the glass doors, spilling juice on the carpet, drool, spitting up, etc.... she didn't even flinch. We didn't even know what to do when there was nothing covering the dining room table. HOw were we to eat? Where would be put the plates? Not on the WOOD???? isn't that the eleventh commandment???
So Christmas day, the little boys (A&M), their parents, my brother, my mom and I are upstairs playing Christmas Carols. I put a closed and sealed bottle of Diet Coke on a book on the piano. My mom, in mom fashion, put it on the floor. "A" proceeds to kick it and put it back so that no one notices ( I am told this later). I pick it up, open it, it sprays everywhere.
You would actually think, that surgical triage was about to take place, barking orders screaming at people to move move move. She was a little "crazed" - ( not hard to see where it comes from now eh?).
We clean up the mess, and get back to singing. I wasn't quite up for it, after the disaster, so I worked with the kids.
But I was a little upset. She made SUCH a freaking commotion over this that I felt like a stupid 8 year old who can't get it together and just have a drink.
But I recount it now solely to illustrate my actual success at editing this. Here the reality. I am really reaching to recount how I felt. Other than the obvious - not a good feeling - I can't really tell you what all went through my mind. And I let it go, within minutes.
I am trying to do this with little things right now. The big things are so unbelieveably hard to let go.
My best friend and I are having a lot of trouble right now. Still. It's just added because now, instead of just his issues, now we have mine too. double the trouble.... ah a little humor to lighten things up.
I have started the editing and started some new attitudes and behaviours regarding this relationship. I won't resort to actual gameplaying, but we put some space in right now and let us heal a bit individually.
We both had some serious meltdowns on each other this past month. It was very bad. On both parts. Neither one of us is coming out of this holiday smelling like a rose. But I think that we can learn from this. He's already started correcting some of his things. And I need to start evaluating myself.
I know that I said no resolutions. These aren't New Years Resolutions - these are life resolutions.
1. I am working on trust. I need to trust him more and actually show it, not just say it. It's not him - it's everyone. I just don't trust. But I'm working on that.
2. I haven't like my life in the past 2 months. That is entirely my own fault because I allowed certain factors to encroach upon the things that make me who I am. So I am going back to those "solar" or rational activities that make me who I am. My music, my kids, my pets, exercise.... all of it.
3. My job. I have extended the deadline to the end of First quarter. There are major job shifts taking place and I need to see the direction that is going to be taking place. I am looking outside as well as inside the company for other opportunities n the meantime. I have uncovered in the past 2 weeks that I do not like my manager at all and that I do not have the mental strength to continue working for him unless he changes, he won't because he doesn't have to. As far as HIS boss is concerned - he walks on water. So that kind of sealed my decision. But I am open to negotiations.
4. My mental health and sanity - I need to deal with my insecurities and my fear that no man will love me for who I am. I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser 24x7. I need to be able to tap into the inner emotional strength that I know I have as I give to all around me. In other words, I need to make myself a priority. I am taking care of the physical part - 35 lbs down and 3 sizes, blood pressure is looking good. But the psychological issues are really starting to creep up and bite me. In ways I didn't expect.
There will be more as they come up as this is not just a one year thing - these changes are forever as far as I am concerned.
I need to get more silliness and happiness into my life. I was happy but closed off this time of last year. I am open, walls torn down, more exposed and I now have periods of happiness but generally - for right now - I'm now. I'm not even sad really anymore. I'm just borderline anxious. Not anxious enough to not sleep anymore, or eat even - I do sleep - not well - and I do eat - not well. But both activities are happening so one step at a time.
I have targetted my first editing routine. I have been trying, unseuccessfully, to use it on his entire meltdown. Instead of "forgetting" the bad stuff, I now lump up ALL the good stuff in it's place and smile in spite of myself - thus enabling me to not dwell on the bad. Still Editing - just a different twist. We'll call it the editors magic trick.
I am going to warn you now, flee if you want - but don't say I didn't tell you. This blog is going to be about my changes outlined here and in future posts. If you thought you were sick of hearing about the man before, it's not going to get better in terms of volume. It will most likely get better in terms of how this is going.... but the volume is going to go up. It's part of my decompression and part of my recovery from the depression I have been in. Don't say you weren't warned!