Oops I did it again

Just like Britney says.... "Oops I did it again".

Only this time, it was less severe because I didn't raise up my hopes.

I don't actually mind spending New Years Alone.... I just really thought I was going to have company this time. We had discussed it and some tentative plans were made.

Ah but the best made plans.... right?

He got sick. He's home in bed. Sleeping. At least I knew early. So this shouldn't be any great shakes.

I won't lie and say I 'm not disappointed. I am. But I am not upset. I am not panicky and I am not going off the deep end this time.

While I didn't set my expectations really high for tonight, I did however have higher expectations than the none I would have had the day before.

I have noticed that NewYears has become more and more of a "non event" which I think is why I am not so upset.

If I manage to stay awake till midnight.... Happy New year!!!!

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Christmas

I had really wanted to write a heartfelt uplifting Holiday message for my readers.

I just can't do it this year, folks.

2007 has been a wonderful and amazing year for me. At the exact same time, it has been one of my worst since the death of my dad in 2003. And unfortunately, the majority of the negative and bad things have happened in the past 5 weeks.

Still trying to make the best of the bad, I am at least posting SOMETHING and I am going to tell you a little holiday laugh for you.

I have a niece who turned one year old 2 days ago. She is the light of my life and I am the light of hers.

I arrived at my mothers yesterday having cried the entire car-ride there. I was on the phone with Mrs Jax and I wasn't going inside until I was off the phone because it wasn't that kind of conversation. It was cold, but not horrible.

My youngest brother ( the father of my niece) came out while I was on the phone and took all my packages.

A few minutes later my step dad came out and lit his pipe and went back inside.

My mom came out to find out what I was doing.

then I hear banging.

I turnaround and there is my banana ( her nickname because it rhymes with her name) standing at the glass front door, laughing and smiling at me and banging on the door to get my attention.

Thank God for little kids. She took my heart out of the blues for a few hours and kept me busy. I got 2 hours of peace. If you call chasing a 1 year old peaceful!

She looks EXACTLY like my brother. Then my sister and her family arrived.

My nephew now has his dads coloring - but he looks exactly like my sister. And she looks exactly like me. People are actually astounded by that - when you consider that we came from completely different gene pools.

So I had two munchkins to keep me occupied. They both loved their toys ( my brother who does not YET have kids, went to the store and bought the noisiest toys that were in the age range - he's going to be a dead man when they have theirs!)

When I left I checked my answering machine. THe call I wanted and needed to hear had come in while I was at my moms. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I went on to deal with the rest of the day in a far more peaceful mood.

So with that I wish you all Peace and Joy today!

Post Script to "Insecurities"

As I was writing the last post, I had a Christmas tree candle buring that one of my students had given me as a gift.

It was typical that I didn't read the direction ahead of time.

It's a good fortune candle.

I published the Insecurites post ( which you should read first if you haven't yet) and looked at the candle.

Something odd was floating around the top.

I picked up the directions and read:

Hidden within is a charm, a trinket or a gemstone and a fortune capsule. Whne revealed, blow out the flame and retrieve with the wand. Twist open capsule for your message.

I opened the the capsule and here's the message:

"You have twice struggled - Doors magically open now, giving you the go ahead. Surprise Results! "

Very interesting. Hmm

Insecurity

Let's have a show of hands.....

"Who here thinks I am insecure?"

OK.

I know I'm not alone on this one....

I used to think my insecurities were weight related.

I now think the weight is due to insecurities.

Hows that for a turnabout?

I've made a lifetime of trying to get past them and see myself as the phenomenal woman that I am.

In many respects, I have done this well. I have succeeded in the target areas that I chose to work on.,

Then I recently discovered that there are whole areas in myself that I ignored phenomenally well, thus they sat there and festered for as long as they were allowed to be there.

Thus the change in my eating behaviour.

I wish I could take the credit on this one, but alas, no.

Before I had come to terms with who I am, I ate for every reason - hungry or not. Pain, happiness - name it - I did it. Stress of any kind got extra special attention.

Then in January of 2007, I noticed that my eating was taking a different direction. Emotional Stress caused me to STOP eating.

Duh. Mental head slap.

Now honestly.... I had so little emotional stress back then. I sort of miss it actually. I was emotionally available to support all my friends in their various problems and issues.

BAM. April comes, bringing Easter, spring and my best friend.

Since then I have lost 32 lbs in a combination of emotional stress and very hard work.

What he has brought to my life is nothing short of amazing and for as bad as things are now for him and by extension for me, I wouldn't change this. I would change small parts in general, but I wouldn't change anything about him or me. I would change some circumstances and general reactions ( largely from me) but that's it.

You see, I'm not sure I'm any good at relationships. MAybe I have been alone too long. Maybe I am still so afraid of rejection....

But I know that I have improved in one specific thing. I now say what I feel. I know that we've talked about this in other posts.... but it's true. I am not afraid to say "I love you" regardless of what it costs me. I am also not afraid to be angry when it's warranted.

I have more to lose now than I did in June. What I am doing in my mind, whether I ever need to or not is remember that I survived without him before.

But did I? It's kind of complicated but I never stopped loving him. ever. Regardless of who I dated, who he dated, we kept coming back to this. After all that time, we keep coming back to this and each time it goes a step further between us.

I wrote him a letter 7 years ago when his brother first got sick and I was leaving his life temporarily. In the letter I told that we were perfect for one another and he should get his head out of his ass and not let me go.

But he did. He let me go.

And I wasn't surprised.

But you know what did surprise me? and for those of you who know me this is big.

I actually told him how I felt about him to his face one night 9 years ago. I stood there in the empty bar and told him exactly how I felt about him and he was stunned. He had no idea. and he didn't run - HA HA. In fact he stuck around to see what could happen.

Here's the thing now. For years after, I was mortified and embarassed that I put my heart on the line with him.

And now that I am thinking abbout it... I'm not anymore. And not because the status is different with us.

it's me that's different. But there is more work that I need to do. I have insecurities that manifest in trust issues, He has abandonment issues and isn't afraid to talk about them with me but it makes him insecure too.

I'm not afraid to do the work, but it does scare me. Because I am so afraid that in the process I will lose him too. Maybe not, but the rejection thing is still there because of some of the remaining open questions.

Mind you we are talking about a man who is most attracted to brains and talen first and beauty second.

My first question - What the hell are you doing with me?

He told me to put my arm around to my back and pull MY head out of my ass! You hve to love the irony there....

You know what makes me laugh most about this?

Eddie Murphy did a bit in Raw about this.

In short, you need to go out and find someone AS messed up as you are.

I think it will be OK.

Editing

Editing.

Publishers do it, recording studios do it, writers do it... film editors, composers.....

I do it too. But not in the way that you think.

There is a popular expression. Forgive and forget. I've spoken on it before. If you forgive you really have to forget, because remembering is holding on to the bad and not letting it go.

Human Beings are funny. We hurt each other, sometimes intentionally, sometimes not. But when we hurt each other, and there's love-type feelings involved, that's when the forgive and forget thing comes into play.

Enter in - editing.

Now I have been doing this for years. Since my childhood. But I recently saw an episode of a sitcom where the best man and brother of the groom gave a toast to his brother at his wedding and basically said "editing. Only remember the good stuff".

I had to laugh. Clearly I'm less unique then I thought.

In the past year, my mom told me a memory of mine that I clearly blocked. It wasn't a particularly bad one, as memories go, I just think that I blocked it due to timing. I was young - 7 or 8. My parents were recently divorced as we were still living in the family home. My mom told me that my future step dad would be spending more time around the family.

As I said, not a bad memory judging from the reality that I have lived in the last 30 years... but given the fact that my parents were newly divorced and I was going through the phase where I still had hope that they would get back together, I believe that I blocked this. To be honest.... I still don't actually remember it and am taking it on faith that it's true.

Editing.

I have been reviewing my relationship with my best friend. Not in a big way... but just looking at our past 10 years. We have been talking about it a lot lately too.

I haven't edited as much as I thought I was. It's kind of funny. I won't speak for everyone, but I am the person who meets someone, convinces MYSELF that they are perfect and I am the one who needs to change myself to be with them. Then I watch and listen and pay attention and try to mold myself into the perfect person for that relationship.

Now here's where that tragic display of low self esteem can have it's entertaining moments. The lifetime review of THAT would have me being a financial wizard ( math???? hell no. ), A gay man, a woman who would give up her cats and live on a boat ( not so much the outdoorsy type), a politicians wife, arm candy.... you get the idea.

The point is, not only haven't I altered who I am for him, but we have grown because of one another.

In a recent discussion, a big part of his reticence of the years, is fear. He knows how good we are together, he is clearly aware of the connection but is so afraid that I will abandon him too that we keep playing some version of cat and mouse... until this past year.

We have hit a rough spot. This is well documented on this blog, albeit not terribly detailed. One set of events this weekend calls for some serious editing. Serious editing. On both sides but largely mine. I have forgiven. Completely.

And now I have started the editing. It started with a trip to the bar where he played last night. That went beautifully. I made a deal with myself on the way there, in the snow, that if this went well and certain events fell into place, church was a guarantee the next day regardless of what time I got home.

I kept that promise. Church was good too. I needed to feel that Joy and love that I get when I am there. I needed the cleansing hope that comes with it as well. And I prayed for him and I prayed for his brother.

and I continued the editing.

I have an advantage on this situation though. Up until the ONE bad event took place, we had two full happy, loving and amazing days together. We laughed, and cried and talked and talked and talked.

Only remember the good stuff.

Only keep the good memories.

Let go of the bad ones or "forget".

I am working on this, though I will not lie and tell you it's happening fast, but it is happening. I feel no need to be emotionally recompensed for what happened and I feel no need to hold it over his head.

Except for the only small and somewhat funny aspect.... we both resort to humor on these things...

It helps with the editing if you can find something to laugh about.

To wrap up the editing..... I find that letting go of the past, or editing, helps keep the fights fair when and if they happen. If you are only fighting about the present, then you can solve it and wrap it up, then edit it out, it helps keep you from mudslinging and dragging up every misdeed ever done in the world between you. It keeps the fights fair and easier to manage. No ripping open old wounds.

Only keep the good memories.

Love... Actually

You have to do these things at Christmas.

It's line rom the movie "Love Actually".

The movie is a phenomenal ensemble piece about love at Christmas time. I looks at all kinds of love. Friends, lovers, parents, siblings.... the old the young.... unrequited... you name it - it's in there.

I watched this movie with my best friend Thursday night. It's fairly old. He warned me in advance that I would cry. and I did. We both did.

One of the story lines is about a sister and brother. She's his caretaker and he's in a home. She is madly in love for nearly 3 years with a man in her office. She is always fielding calls from her brother throughout the movie. In this story line, which ends fairly quickly, she gives up the man she is in love with because of her family situation.

You cannot imagine the tears from both of us. It was heart wrenching - not completely applicable but we both see enough of the similarities that it struck a chord.

You see, he believes he is out of the doghouse with his brother. For whom he cared for for 5 years, 4 months 2 weeks and 12 hours. In doing so sacrificed himself.

When he left on the 13th hour, His brother accused him of "abandoning" him. Since August. And he received a birthday and Christmas card from him. When he announced this fact to me, we both fell to tears and held each other crying.

So when we watched this movie together, the sobbing - from both of us - was unbelievable. And it's a happy movie in the end really.

It was a really touching thing and opened a new door for us too in a way.

Because.... you have to do these things because it's Christmas.....

Wisdom isn't always with the old

I had to laugh out loud.

"What am I supposed to say when people say, Oh your young yet?" My voice twin asks.

This after some of the wisest words I have heard to date out of her mouth. or anyones. Though to be truthful I played my cards on the most recent set of events close to my chest.

I had to laugh.

How many times have we heard that in our teens and twenties and even into our thirties? "Oh your still young" or "Ah youth" or "Oh to be your age again"

I laugh because when my students whine about being tired, my response is ALWAYS "Wait till you get to be old and crotchety like me" and seriously folks - I'm actually not that old. But to them I am.

The point is here that since last week, I have been harboring a number of situations that have left me with more questions than answers ( again ). She took the information that I desseminated and made sense of it. Now she could be wrong, and that's OK. But I have a gut feeling she's not. And NOT because I want her to be right either ( though it works out so much better if she is). She weeded through all the crap and came out with some really well thought out responses.

Now I don't want anyone ( including her because she reads this ) to think that I don't believe her capable - I do. I find that the 3 twenty somethings that I associate with are ridiculously smart sometimes in spite of the hinderance of youth. I was the same way, so I get it.

It just reminds me that age and wisdom are not always joined at the hip. Just because I'm the age I am doesn't make me smarter by definition. Just because my best friend is 12 years older than me doesn't make him smarter by definition. Someone younger than I am can be smarter than me too.

What I like is that it's in different areas. So Where I am weak they are stronger and vice versa or maybe it just seems that way given the situations.

Youth is amazing - why else would people be chasing it?

In sickness and in health

I have a chest infection.

I lost my voice completely. I can barely breathe properly. I have an appetite but can't taste anything so I'm not really eating.

Phlegm should be a four letter word. Evidently I am made of it. I find it hard to believe that so much crap can come out of someone so small.

I took my wonder drug, Mucinex, at 7:30 this morning. attempted to cough up anything at all for 2 more hours, fell asleep till 1Pm. Its now 6:20 and I feel like I have been awake for 24 straight hours.

I can't cough up anything productive. So that's pissing me off. I'm pulling muscles in my torso from the coughing. If I see another cup of tea I'm going to throw it across the room.

So now between having my heart ache, my soul ache - lets add the body to that list.

I have a performance - a paying one - Tuesday. You know that I'm probably giving that up to my best friend. I don't see how I can do it. I hate to disappoint people, but they love him too so that should be OK and he needs the money as minimal as it is.

Soup is almost ready.

Uncertainty

I have been thinking a lot on this topic lately.

Uncertainty is a toxin.

For little things, most people can let it roll off them like water off a ducks back. But the big stuff? no way.

The bigger issue here, is that the uncertainty causes reactions. Why? because people, in the face of uncertainty with no end date will strive to create a solution, an answer or an end date.

For example.

Your child, has a seizure-like episode. You rush him to the hospital. They find no ready answer at that time, but schedule a boatload of tests. Among them, an EKG, an MRI, a slew of bloodwork. The child is 12 and has no memory of the episode, is taking meds for ADHD and had a growth spurt of 1 inch in 4 weeks.

The child plays sports but until an answer comes back, now cannot. He also, being 12, was allowed to be left alone in the house while the parents ran short errands ( less than 1 hour). All of this is no longer allowed till an answer comes back.

While logical and the child knows whats going on, the parents can't say anything about even the possibilities because they know as little as the child does.

The parents are being eaten alive with uncertainty. The kid less so, but frustrated that his quality of life has changed with no explanation or reason.

The scary part here, this may come back with NO ANSWER. Which will take this family a while to process and handle.

Then there's the situation in my life. Uncertainty caused me to behave in a crazy and irrational fashion. I don't remember crying nearly as much as I did the past 2 months even when my dad passed. It consumed me so much that I was unable to put the focus and effort that I notmally put into my life. My life. not just my job, not just my activities. my life.

It has always been that way for me. I look for the answers. I work to get them. I am less afraid of bad news and more afraid of NO news. But in the face of no news, I can only sit still for so long. Then I create the answers in my own head. And no, they are never good! I always go to the extreme so I am less surprised when it happens.

I do this with everything from job layoffs, to auditions, to relationships. Nothing is sacred.

So 2 months of this made me an absolute lunatic. But I am pleased to tell you that I have let go of the whore. I was the one holding that demon close, and I have let it go. Finally and completely. I didn't even realize it until last night.

I have others, but I am working through them. This is part of the trust thing and I am working on that too. I hate to admit this, but I trust no one. Not for a long time. It takes me a long time and a lot of testing to finally relax and trust. I am trying to be better with that. I really am. Trusting my best friend is easy most of the time, but when I am tested through uncertainty too long, that's when things get interesting.

Basically, during an extended period of uncertainty, I have instituted a new expression that I am trying to opererate with:

"Don't worry till you have to. Don't guess unless you are sure."

If I Can make this work, there is hope for me.

The holidays- Joy and Peace

The holidays.

I love them but yet I hate them.

Everyone I know strives to have the "perfect" Christmas.

You know the ones I mean. The Norman Rockwell Christmas. The tree, snow falling ( region permitted of course), lights with not one out, candles in the window, carols on the stereo, good food, eggnog, fruitcake, presents under the tree, all that good family feeling....

You get the idea.

And it rarely happens that way - at least not for my family.

I have discovered, for myself, that the holidays tend to make me cry. A lot. And if there are things happening that would normally not work for me.... they are just exacerbated by the holidays.

Oh I chase that perfect Christmas like everyone else. It's a goal - and it's good to be goal driven.

I have had a lot on my plate for a long while. It's not making this season easy for me.

My job is hell. I have managed, quite convincingly, to tell myself that it's just a job and does not define who I am. I don't always believe it, but I work hard at it. I have spent an enormous chunk of my career serving customers and doing it well. I have a boss who is inconsistent. He will give direction one way, and then criticize you for it. It's very hard for the people pleaser that I am, to please this man. I am tired. I am psychologically battered for hearing the constant criticism, everything I do is wrong and the constant blame. I know there are some folks ( Lisa the Scalemistress) who would say and have said "Get another job".

Of Course they are right. It's not fiscally possible right now. But Come the end of January, if I don't see change, I will be posting out to another position. I just cannot abide by the abuse to much longer. I have set that date as a hard date and I did it for my customer.

My love life is - well, we'll call it interesting for now. Not bad, but I'm not living on Cloud 9. The letter I sent to my best friend was received better than I expected. He was actually complimentary on it. We talked yesterday. After a hellacious day at work for me that left me in tears.... not the best timing. But we have a tendency to get the emotions rolling high and one of us leaves. He didn't want to do that again. His depression is lifting. Not quickly, but it is getting better. He's running again, he's cut back on the drinking and he's communicating. He's not going anywhere. He needs space, which is OK. He needs some time. But "we" are OK. Or we will be.

I'm not crazy about some of the side effects of this, but I am desperately trying to come to terms and deal with them till he's better.

What this has done to me though, is start the holiday tears way in advance. I've been crying for weeks. Hell I'm crying now. When he leaves, I cry. The day I know he's going home, I cry. It's insane. I miss him when he's not here.

Depression is a crazy thing. I jokingly told him that its starting to be contagious. I am not actually depressed - I am just aching for the pain that he has been in and continues to be in.

I have never loved someone enough to care about the pain they are in to this degree. Don't get me wrong, because I know that sounds horrible. My best friends and family - I feel awful when they are in pain. I want to help them as much as is possible. But I never felt helpless before in the face of depression in someone I love like this.

I saw my priest on wed. We talked about this pretty extensively and he and I are in agreement as it turns out. I know I can't fix the problem. I am not actually the problem at all.

I am an action person. If there's a problem - I need to address it. I need to fix it. I need to be right there with the sword and the shield.

This is a hard lesson for me and my best friend and I are walking this road together. He's not leaving, he doesn't want to. We are too important to one another. Something I truly never thought would happen.

He is a patient man. He forgives a lot with me. I am not good at relationships. I try too hard to be the exact thing for that person. Not this time - but in my past, yes. He lets me be me and insists on it. We are honest with each other and we are working on this. I really thought that wasn't going to happen. We are both lucky people.

This holiday is going to be tough. Because through both these difficult and painful situations, I am trying to be in good spirits and still chase the perfect holiday. I have a lot to do in terms of music and the work that goes into that. I performed a children's breakfast last weekend and frankly I couldn't get into the spirit of the thing. My heart ached and a friend who's mother just died was there, so I ached for that too. Any way you looked at it, I don't know how I got through those 2 hours. I have to decorate my house this weekend. I have a performance tonight and tomorrow, I have Christmas Eve services, a lunch next week... my best friend's birthday is next week.

We are all busy. For those of you who celebrate Christmas, this is the season of advent. Advent is important. It's a time to be quiet and plan for the coming of the Baby Jesus. It's a time to reflect and rest. I am trying to put the peace back into my life and do this.

So I pass this one to you. Regardless of faith - I pray for peace and joy for all of you during this season.

Happy Hanukkah for those of you celebrate!

PS - I hit 32 lbs down today!

Trust

I have trust issues.

I get it. I know it.

It's a family trait. We trust, but not after the other folks are forced to prove, repeatedly, that they are trustworthy.

I am sad to say, the very borderline OCD that comes with that also runs in the family. It manifests in different ways for those of us blessed with being a familia.

It's been diagnosed, at least in me, and dealt with. Honestly it hasn't shown itself in about 10+ years.

The short version is, it's a spinoff that relates to my self esteem. If my self esteem is in good shape, the OCD doesn't show, if the self esteem has been knocked about, the OCD shows up.

I never claimed to be normal.

It's not medicated for a specific reason - it's not consistent or severe.

I have to say that when it reared it's ugly head last week, I knew immediately. literally. In the midst of the behaviour pattern, I knew I was overboard.

I'm not proud of it. But I know its an issue. I have since taken some additional steps to alleviate the symptoms that brought it on and the behaviours themselves.

I really am not detailing the behaviours, though I know that those of you who don't know me well, are DYING to know. Those of you who do know me, you know what happened.

I stopped. I'm no longer acknowledging the urge and certainly I am not acting on it. I may steal glance as I follow the highway East, but I am not acting on anything at this point. As of noon, I am prepared to fully trust in someone else and believe in them. The reason that I decided on this though is really key.

I can't accuse him of not being honest with me, if I am only trusting him with everything BUT this one thing. This ONE thing is becoming my problem and not his anymore.

I like to look at it as that early scene in "My best friends wedding". The bitchy cousins say "Oh lord, look, it's the bride and the woman she'll never live up to".

Thats how I feel. That I can't live up to the memory of three specific women. I made peace with two, one is my dear friend and that's easy, the other is his first wife and that's also OK, the last one is the whore.

For all the bad things and negativity that both he AND I say, there is something there that he fell in love with even for a short while. And given the fact that she is still hanging on to him, making it tough for hi to get over her, makes me even more insane.

Bringing me to another movie line ( we watch a lot of movies here - you can tell!) - this one from the holiday.

"So let me get this straight, he broke up with you, but sstays in contact all the time? That sucks!!! THat's great for him, but sucky for you! That means he can get what he needs from you when he needs it, but you can't ever get over him!"

That is EXACTLY what is happening. Just substitute the pronouns.

So in short, my lesson learned for today is that if you want the one you love to trust you and be honest, you have to do those things too. We were both doing this wrong but for the right reasons. We didn't want the other one to be hurt more than necessary.

Things aren't wonderful. But they will be - sooner rather than later I hope. But I virtually hold his hand and we will walk on this path together and figure this out.

How to be in a relationship

Folks, THIS is the course I needed in undergrad.

Because honestly - I have no freaking clue what I am doing.

My parents divorced when I was young and both went through hell, literally, to find their current partners that they ultimately married for 25+ years.

So I have no idea how to navigate this.

When things are good, they are good. Now they aren't so hot, but we aren't sprinting for the door.... but we are in the avoidance aisle of the store.

So I don't know how to do this. And it's hard. And when the going gets tough and I Can't get results ( please remember that being a project manager is a results driven career), I lose patience, I freak out and my brain explodes.

I have to remember that everyone does not recover or behave according to my timetable. Yes I love the idea that it's all about me, except that it's actually not.

Frankly, I don't know how you married folks do it. Every day, I think about my friends who are married and I am absolutely bowled over by how you do it.

We aren't married and we FIGHT to stay together. Not literally. But lately its been a struggle. A lot of sickness, death, depression, past lives, the holidays and a birthday. it's a lot of pressure.

But it doesn't warrant craziness. I want to not be this nuts. Uncertainty makes me crazy and the longer I go on being uncertain, the more my wild imagination gets wilder.

I know both of us need to be communicating and I see definite effort here, not on the topics I want, but effort nonetheless. And honesty in areas I wasn't expecting to discuss either.

I am still learning how to love and care for this person. That doesn't sound right.... I know how to do that, but in tough times, I have a set of needs that clearly is different from his. We are there for each other, but I tend to hit insane/ crazy a lot quicker. He tends to hit remote and distant quicker. I don't yell and scream - I cry. He yells and screams - he doesn't. We both resort to sarcasm. Always a treat.

But the one underlying thing that I think we both worry about - we are afraid of being left.

So - there is no class or course you can take to learn this stuff - just practice and paying attention to the detail and learning the physical and verbal cues. On top of, honesty and communicating of course.

To wrap up here, I don't think I ever paid attention to the relationship itself before with anyone else. Just sort of took it moment by moment and hoped for the best. Now that its really important.... I am trying to be a quicker study and do the things that feel right to me.... ( thank you Lisa!) and trying to communicate with man in a way that works for him AND me( thank you Bernie and Lisa).

I really want to thank you guys for your support - all of you:

Maplemama - who knows where I come from and really gets where I am get to
Bernie - For being the straight man in my life that gives me "manly" advice
Lisa - Your wisdom always blows me away
Mrs Jackson - Your love and support and willingness to say the things you know will piss me off but make me think!!!!
Voice Twin - VOICE OF REASON DURING THE CRAZYS

Love you guys - you are beyond special and important to me!!!

And it ain't over yet - you guys are still on duty..... but I am more than willing to repay the favor as needed!!!!