Todays Thanks

I am really loving this new turn that my blog has taken. I want to tell you about some amazing things that have come of it after JUST TWO DAYS.

I am generally in a more positive frame of mind. I consider possibilites instead of failures. I am still suspicious but one doesn't give that up in 2 days after 40 years of being that way.

So because of the good and neat things that I am seeing come out of this, here's todays 5.

1. I am thankful for being able to not harbor on a mistake. Last night we had dinner plans with friends that we have never socialized with before. He had gone to the bar without me while I was teaching to book a gig. He left at 5;30 and was to be home by 7 so we could be at our destination by 7:30. At 7:30 I called him and got voice mail. At 7:40 I called again and he was "on his way". That meant he hadn't left yet. And while he was only 10 mins away that meant we would be a full 30 mins late to our destination and we were bringing dinner. When he got here, I was seething. He apologized profusely and took full ownership to both me AND our friends for the lateness. I made the MENTAL decision to NOT hold onto this. I was very proud of myself. That's normally difficult for me, and this time it wasn't. I am thankful that I was able to do that and that it wasn't all that difficult. Makes me hopeful for myself.
2. While I am thankful for my friends in general, I am thankful for these new friends.While I have known Nessa for a really long time and her mom, aunt etc. I feel a deeply special connection with her and her boyfriend. She is not only my massage therapist but I am proud to call her my friend. We can share things in ways I can't explain and she has managed to make my life so much better. I had the amazing priveldge of reading something she wrote that is important to her. It touched me in ways I cannot explain to you but it reinforced something I have known about her. She is the most spiritually enlightened young woman I know. She encourages and inspires. I am thankful to the universe for bringing us together.
3. I am thankful for the example that Nessa and Will showed me. Last night, I was shown the example of a healthy loving couple wiht values similar to ours. It was really lovely. It helped start to bridge a gap as well which for us is important.
4. I am thankful that in my first quest to trust more, I was succesful. Having him at the bar by himself last night after the fight we had 2 weeks ago was huge. I do trust him but given those recent events I was more unsure of myself than of him. When I really dug deep on that, I reaklized that the problem is largely mine. So I tested myself and I won't tell you that I didn't have enormous moments of doubt throughout the day BUT I shut my mouth and it turned out just fine.
5. I am thankful that I was able to assist a neighbor today. She is petrified of mice and to protect she and her family she wanted to get a cat. She doesn't know anything about cats.So I assisted her with information and places to rescue an animal so she could do some good for an animal in addition to protecting her household.

I had an amazing night last night. It was a real eye opener for both of us. Many good things for me and for Jon.

Happy Memorial day

I have been chided by a work friend for not forcing and creating memories between Jon and I.

i wouldn't say that we weren't, certainly not intentionally, but I can tell you that the illness has largely prevented us from some of the routine things that we used to do together.

Today, one my best girlfriends invited us over to cook out. He cannot eat solid food, but we went anyway.

What she figured would happen was that he would sya the upright bass in the corner or the piano and we would lose both he and Lizz.

Well she was right. And thank Goodness.

He really needed the music today. He lit up. Like a tree. At Christmas.

Lit up - I'm not kidding.

I wasn't in the room part of the time, but he called me in at one point and asked me to play a chord progression on the pano for him ( all my music friends can please stop the laughing now... ) and after a few tries, I did finally get it.

Then he moved onto to something else. So I sat and listened. sometimes I sang what I could remember of the tunes ( they weren't his usual because he canoot sing those things).

But he did play You are the susnshine of my life. I was touched because I love that song.

We re-established the connection even if he was being a bit of a plick with me. the eye contact was there. The connetion was back.

I was relieved.

When we got home, he flipped open the Beatles Orchestra scores that he has to Filling a Hole. Turne the light on and called me in from the kitchen.

"Play this" he says.

"Umm... OK" I think - I haven't heard this tune in a long time so this is going to be interesting.... key of F, ummmm not too hard...OK....

We start playing, he gets his guitar and the two of us start jamming... It was so much fun. Just us.

Then hs says.... "I beat you up pretty bad at Ellie's today. I wanted to give you something to play that would make you realize that you DO KNOW WHAT YOU ARE DOING - I've just been doing it longer...."

I had my back to him but I turned and looked at him and smiled.

" You did beat me up. But it wasn't bad. It just pointed out to me that there are stil things that I need to tighten up - I'm better than I was but nowhere hear where I need to be in music theory.... No wonder I had trouble in college theory!"

Then the doorbell rang.

My neighbor next door is probably the lightest sleeper I know. He's also one of the best people I know. So last week when he slipped the note under my door about the TV volume at night on the day that I had my car accident, I was not as responsive as I normally am.

So we had a nice chat. He felt badly for bringing it up and I felt badly that he was losing sleep. We have a great relationship, thank goodness. I do not understand how his other neighbors can be so. umm, high maintenance.

Then he realized that Jon was really not rebounding well. He and I talked a bit about the disease the course it has taken. He got teary eyed... so I took him out to the hall and gave him a hug.

When I returned, Jon wanted to know what happened. So I told him. He looked at me and said "Now I am going to write HIM a note and he'll really get misty when he reads it!"

We both laughed but then we talked about how he had said how he hates when bad things happen to good people and how Jon is such a good guy and how we deserve each other because we are such good people and how unfair and unjust the whole thing is.

And all of that is true.

tomorrow is round two of Chemo. We Pray that the ant-nausea meds made it to facilty otherwise we are going to have a hideous week. They can't be sent to a pharmacy they must go directly to the hospital.

I do not expect this round to go as smoothly as the last one but I pray that it does. I pray he regains his voice and I pray he doesn't lose his hearing.

And then I just pray for us and for life.

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Life is strange

My college room-mate and one of my bestest friends in the world sent me an email today.

I can guarantee you that had this email come from anyone else, I would have been crazy defensive.

Here's why. She compared my current with her ex. In similarities. I should also say that I couldn't stand her ex. And I made that clear.

Time does strange things though. Her email was honest and based solely on what I have said to date. It was actaully good that she wrote it and I am very very glad that she did. because it forced me to step back and look at both men for their similarities AND their differences.

The differences are huge. The similarities, I hate to say this, sort of go with the age. We are talking about men who lived through the 60's and 70's and all the things that go with that

This latest crisis that I have been going through has been hard. And she has been a rock today. I love her for it because she loves me enough to be honest with me about the things she hears and reads from me.

She forced me, without realizing it, to defend him in all the good things that he is. I wrote them in my reply - which was an interesting exchange. She's probably the only person that I know who can challenge me that way and neither of us got defensive or ugly about it, just sort of matter of factly wrote out what we thought and when I wrote out the initial list, I had to stop because I would have been writing for awhile. I didn't even have to think through what his good points where. They just flowed out of me like an open water valve. she was surprised. All she's heard recently is the bad things.

I think as people we have a tendancy to be embarassed by seeing good in others. I know I do it. But I notice even with my other friends, we are quick to talk about the bad things that are plaguing us. Whose husband is pissing them off, whose parents are driving them nuts. We don't hear about how after 10+ years of marriage, through the good and bad, sickness, health, that they still do nice things for each other.

One of my girlfriends is married to a really great guy. I adore them both. They drive each other nuts, but love each other greatly. I called today to talk to her, and she had been out since 8AM. I spoke to her husband who said he hadn't seen her since 8 and it was now 3 and he couldn't wait to see her.

I hung up and started to cry at how incredibly sweet that was after all the years and kids and stress that they have.

I think we are embarassed to acknowledge how we feel about others. I think that we as a people have a tendancy to have that viewed as weakness in our cutthroat lives.

I can guarantee that I did.

If it weren't for Mrs Jackson, Vinny and Maplemama I don't think I would have ever uttered the words I love you to my friends. Seriously. I feel it, I know its present in my heart, but I couldn't say it. These folks just say these things as the feel them and they don't apologize for it or are embarassed by it. Excellent role models for me.

Now I say it.

I also am starting to make a point of looking at the good things and making sure that people know how I feel.

I know I am pile of goo on the inside. I am just ever so afraid that people will see that. and view as weak, or worse overly emotional. I was always overly emotional as a child and my parents didn't know how to deal with that as they weren't really like that. Or maybe I was too much of a handful - I don't know. What I do know is that I remember my stepfather asking me why I have to cry all the time and at everything. Why was I so emotional.

I worked really hard to squash that. It didn't work out so well. I built big thick solid walls around myself. Protecting myself from the hurt and pain. No pain, no tears. Neat right?

Anyone curious why I have a weight problem???? anyone seeing the pattern yet?

I am really working hard at this relationship. It's not without it's issues and problems. My gutt instinct when one rises up is to run for the hills. Then one of my friends talks me down ( Thank you Ms Siamese) and then another comes in and forces me to look for the good ( Thank you Am) and the fight comes back. The fire reignites in my belly.

I think the lesson here for me, is not just knowing in your heart what the good in your loves ones is, but being able to articulate it, even and especially when the chips are down. It brings different perspectives and helps the brain work out the solutions even while you are at rest.

Good friends are hard to find. especially the ones that know you longest. If you have lived together, so much the better. Don't let them go.

Hold on with both hands and fight to keep them.

Taking care of long term business

I have to make a will.

I don't want to, but I'm at that age. I actually own property, so that also makes it necessary.

I also have life insurance and stuff, making this necessary.

Sometime ago, I made my brother and his wife the beneficiary and contingents at 100%.

After a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching, I modified it this evening and added a second benificiary.

I made the split 75% to my brother and 25% to the secondary beneficiary.

It's the right thing to do, even if its going to cause some controversy in my family. I don't care. It's what I want. I need to do this. I will be more at peace right knowing this is taken care of.

I asked Mrs. Jackson if she would take my cats in the event that something untimely happens to me. I asked that she raise them the way that I would.

She agreed, which I was counting on.

All that is left is the matter of my home, car and piano. The rest is incidental.

I am tidying up the interior and getting rid of extraneous things as well as giving away things I don't need or use. I live well, but I don't take care of things the way that I should.

Deciding how to handle the house is tough. What I want to do with it, is, leave it to one of the life insurance beneficiaries so they will always have a place to live. I don't know how that will fly or work, but I am expecting and anticipating that being the way this is going to go.

Oh and I know what my attorney will say. Again - don't care. He will advise me properly and I will listen and hear what he says, then I will do it my way.

It's an act of love, making sure that the people you love most in the world are taken care of after you depart.

I plan to have my funeral wishes written down and included in the will as well. For those of you that know me and will most likely outlive me, please, I trust you will see to it that they are followed.

Morbid... maybe.

But none-the-less.... an act of love.

If the second beneficiary is reading this.... I love you.

The Lingerie buyer

Poor Poodle.

With the advent of the trip coming up, I tend to be over prepared and I was working hard at the latest challenge - trying to determine what to wear to sleep in.

So I went to the VS website and started poking around. I picked out a couple of outfits that were designed for comfort and were sexy - whicch of course has its own set of criteria.

I called Poodle and made him look at them to help me out.

Girls.... don't make your gay guy friends pick out lingerie and especially not at work.

He kept saying.... "People are walking past my desk and seeing this stuff.... I have a reputation at stake here!"

To which I continue to reply: "That is the entire point of the Gay Guy straight girl relationship!!!! You are supposed to dress me!!!"

Needless to say - the one he picked out? One I already own. One I have never worn.

And here's the beauty of it.

It now fits again.

I cannot WAIT to go on the trip.

Had chest pains yesterday.

I noticed that they were not pains really, but not pressure. When I took a deep breath, it felt as if someone had a finger in my rib cage.

This went on most of the week, but was worse on Friday.

So, I went to see the Doctor.

Who told me to calm the hell down.

Backing up....

When we last left the Contessa, she was stressed out badly at work, had a slight bump in her relationship that was more or less her issue and was taking steps to relieve the stress of her extra-curricular music activities.

Update:

Work - still not good. Leader is micromanaging to the point where he is talking to my team as well as to myself like we are in Mickey Mouse Club.

Bel Canto - Herr Direktor is supposed to be calling me to ask me to stay, be section leader and to please audition for the solos.

relationship - Contessa apologized for not being as strong as she normally is, finally 'fessed up to the stress she has been under. The bf called last night, and showed up with wine for her, BK for him and Band of Brothers for the two of them. He spent the night, things were still tense, but it's residual and will go away.

Fast Forward:

I thought that the chest Discomfort would go away when 2 out of three things were solved. Nope. They didn't relieve until this evening and that's because I am not working. So the discomfort is actually work related. I am going to see Louise to see if there is something I can do, take, whatever that will assist in calming me down.

On a side note - I have discovered that Mederma is an amazing invention. Having severe stretch marks under my arms from my eczema, they are clearing up rapidly. I'm really happy about this. Amazing stuff with a unique smell. Not bad, just odd.

Another side note - red wine does assist in the calming down process, just keep the volume minimal.... ;-) the hangover's a bitch.

A last side note, had a really good conversation with Am today. We had a lot of fun and we covered a wide variety of topics. She made the observation that she too, tends to be mad at herself when she can't be strong for someone else. And she made the wise point that we are only human and sometimes our reactions are normal and sometimes all things aren't equal and the same information could just hit wrong. I hate that I wasn't the "rock" that I normally was. But I recognize that I am human and I feel OK about it. I did apologize to him for not being strong enough to handle it that day and in light of the other things that happened to me this week, he did understand that, but we are still "recovering" from it.

Happiness is....

Your choice.

Pick the thing that makes you happy.

You are not limited to one thing.

and it can't be anything from that song.

Seriously.

Sage advice from the ever brilliant Maple mama runs to my brain whenever doubt sets in.

I can translate it into three words.

Ride the wave.

I have another friend who is 25 and just got engaged. I sang with her in the group I just tendered my tentative resignation.

I sent her an email that explained what happened and how I felt about it. She sent back a lovely note that said " you need to do the things that make you smile... and I should take my own advice!".

I thought about this for a couple of days. I am happy. I have someone in my life who makes me smile, who reassures me when I have doubts, even when they may be about myself or him ( regardless of whether he even knows), I took my music and pared it down to the things that I love and cut out the crap that I don't need nor want.

I decided that if something isn't working in my life or someone isn't working in my life, I need to fix it or get rid of it.

I've discovered that i have no patience for stupid shit. I can't stand the popularity contest, or competition over something that isn't a competition in the first place. I don't want to get dramatic over anything that doesn't involve me or someone that I love who needs to feel defended.

So after listening to K's advice and Maple Mama's, I realized that it's better to have less and be happy with it than more and be miserable and busy.

What I like about this new plan, it gives me back some of my own time.... that's the real blessing!

I'm home

For the first time this weekend, I am in my house.

This weekend has been a marathon not a sprint.

First, Friday night I had the talent show from hell. This was supposed to start at 7 and started 20 minutes late for reasons I can't fathom.

The show, which only had 14 acts less than 5 mins each, proceeded to take 2 hours and 30 minutes plus 2 30 minute intermissions.

My act was second to last.

I didn't win, I didn't plan to win, I was there to add filler acts to a HS talent show.

By the time I got home, I could b arely put a coherent sentence together and the joke for the night was " I didn't realize that this was a sleepover talent show - I would have brought my sleeping bag!"

Yesterday , I ran like a lunatic and did all my errands, then had dinner with my best girlfriend and her hubby.

I got home around 9.

Today, I went to church, I had lunch with Bernie, and went to the bar to hear my best friend play. Then I taught an hour lesson, verbally resigned from the group that I sing with. I walked into my house at 8PM.

Here's the deal on the resignation. The reality is, I don't need to pay money to be irritated and angry. When I really reviewed why I was staying, it ultimately got round to two things. One, I was staying to keep the diva from getting what she really wanted ( me gone) and two, emotional ties to my dad and uncle who founded it. Letting the Diva win, believe it or not, was the harder thing to let go.

Once I made the decision though, I didn't feel anything. Not anything bad. I felt release. YOu would think after 12 years wtih this group that I would miss it or feel something.

But no.

Nothing.

Making the decision was harder than carrying it out.

I feel badly that I did it on a voice mail, but too bad. I came home, and am doing some chores. Then I'll have some light snack and a bath, then to bed.

It's really appealing and my December, as Bernie pointed out, is one concert performance lighter.

I miss the relaxing weekends though.

This is the game that never ends

Years ago, I saw stand up on HBO by Rita Rudner.

One of her skits was about playing peek-a-boo on the plane with the child in front of you.

Her take on this is, DO NOT START THIS GAME.

It's the game that has no end.

Every time the kid turns around... she kept saying

"It's me silly"

The kid turns around again

"It's still me silly"

Again

"yep - STILL ME"

My version of this game is with one of those cheesy toys that are usually a gift with purchase from somewhere and involves 2 four year olds.

The toy, for lack of a more creative name we'll call BOING. it's one of those small springloaded monsters that you push the spring down so that the suction cup on the bottom creates a seal. The pressure the spring causes the monster to bounce in the air making a boiing sound.

except this one doesn't work properly. It takes WAY too long to spring.

My best girlfriend and were playing this with her girls and we came up with the plan of setting the toy, dropping it from 8 inches in the air. We get the bounce AND the boing.

Which is when the trouble started.

Now the girls want to do it too. It radically went to "my turn, my turn".

We must have done "one more time" 10 more times.

If you know anything about Spamalot, a rewrote the words to " The song that never ends"

This is the game that's gone too long.
THis is the game that never ends.

I told her to HIDE this toy. Or lose it, or break it.

It was cute though. These kids always give me good entertainment.

That's the shape of my heart

I've noticed subtle changes in me lately.

There's a relaxing of the mind and soul that is unusual for me.

I suffer from conscious tension and fear. But at the same time, I have peace in my soul. Now.

I don't know why but I have always been embarassed by my emotions. If I feel something, I feel like I have to hide it.

In college, I met people who didn't do that. Maple Mama, Bernie and Am are the three that come to mind, but they aren't the only three. These are people that I have been so close to.... Marriages, children, illness in parents, death of parents, reuniting with family, birthdays, holidays, you name it. In those times I can look back at each person named here, and see birthdays of Bernie's kids, Communions, baptisms, Special birthdays of Bernie himself, a memorable trip to see Maple Mama when Bernie's son was small, being made of honor for Am, surprising her with her bridal shower that Maple and I threw, spending the night at her house during the NTE's, attending her grandfather's funeral that same weekend, Partying in our dorm during the summer when we broke in. All these memories of people I love who are as close to me, and in some ways closer, than my own family.

These are people who say they love you and mean it and aren't embarassed that they feel that. These are people who have redefined the word love and coyned the expression LOEV. It means something special only to the four of us. It can't be defined here, but we know what it means.

Over all these 20 years, they have helped me to learn that it's OK to feel things and it's OK to verbalize them. I have grown so much for all of them having been part of my life. We have had to fight at times to keep the friendship alive Because life and distance and certain things like that, get in the way.

I'm at a point in my life where knowing how my heart works, emotionally, is really key. I am impatient and impulsive. I worry that I am not doing the right things by my friends and I am sensitive. And I'm pushy. I want everything now.

We have changed though....Now I am letting the person who is important to me, catch up to me without being pushed by me. My impatience has left the building. Without being told, asked, shoved or anything. It was almost like a serenity blanket was put over me and I was able to relax and let him take his own path and time to get where we need to be. I'm already at one level and he's catching up now.

I had a glimpse of it the other night. Friday night, I mentioned to him that in all probability I was going to have a houseguest who happens to be one of my best friends on a temporary basis. Remember - we have a gag rule that is technically still in effect, but is starting to loosen. He was not only fine with it, but managed to recall WHO it was with some detail, their spouse and children's names and approximate levels in school. He was interested in meeting him - also good because that's something that's important to me.

These are good things. These are basic things, but I am so accustomed to drama that when it leaves I sometimes don't know how to relax.

But I'm learning. Every day. Little things change the shape of my heart. Mabye It's starting to grow back bigger. Or maybe it was this big to start with and I was only using a small part of it.

Whatever the reason is, this is now the new shape of my heart.

Ashes and Snow

One of the things I love most about my best friend is that he loves all things beautiful. And beauty is in the eye of the beholder of course.

But he likes to share them with others and he has the knack to know who will truly appreciate it.

Tonight he jumped up off the couch and showed me a website that was nothing short of spectacular. If his head hadn't been up his ass when it came to town months ago, he would have taken me in to see it.

The site and the artists vision is called "Ashes and Snow"

The photographs and videos are of unusual, peaceful and tranquil poses and movements by humans in conjunction to animals such as Elephants, Manitees and Cheetahs... birds, Lynx....

They are quite possibly some of the most exquisite photo's I have ever seen. Each one is more beautiful than the last one and they are peaceful and tranquil.

This project took over 10 years to create and in every picture, humans eyes are closed and animals' eyes are open. From that perspective, given what I know about these kinds of animals, the eyes closed are to assist in not engaging the animal in attack posture. Direct eye contact can cause an animal who is afraid, to engage in attack.

But the effect is so calming and so trusting.

Trust.

The trust portrayed between these animals and human beings is really important.

For me it was somewhat representative of the lack of trust in each other. That over a 10 year period, this artist was able to capture that trust between humans and dangerous animals without a hint or a flinch of stress on these faces is absolutely amazing to me.

He explained that the stills were arranged in a long tranquil corridor fashion, and presentation is everything as we know. He took one of his friends with him and she absolutely loved it. She's an art professor, so that actually makes some sense.

I couldn't decide which was my favorite shot. I invite you to check out the website and decide on your own.

This was a really special moment for me. I hope you all enkoy it as much as I did.

Twin beds vs the "gag rule"

I have this wedding to go to soon. It's a super formal, lavish, but small affair in a very Shhee Shhee location.

I was invited along with two my best girlfriends and their husbands and my "best friend".

Somewhere in the past few weeks, I posed the question:

"Since the bride and groom or comping the rooms for us so we can stay the night, are we getting one or two? " Yes - I know the answer.

Remember the gag rule. These are mutual friends....

He looks at me and says "One. Two is just stupid. Besides...."

So I write her note, saying " In the interest of financial planning, we will share one room".

I really wasn't prepared for her to call tonight and tell me that she put us in a room.... wait for it.....

with 2 twin beds.

Seriously. Do hotels still HAVE rooms like this?

Of course now, I have to actually explain the dilemma.

I suggest that it would be, umm, easier, if we had one bed.

She says she will re-shuffle some things and let me know. She is good, she asked nothing further but did explain the decision making. And it made sense.

She was going to put us in a room with a queen and a pullout, but her fiance said - that wasn't fair to my best friend so he suggested the twin beds.

Ummmm - Awkward.

So I don't offer details and tell her that and she doesn't ask and tells me that. We are both on the same page. She knows nothing and i said nothing.

As far as she and I are concerned, this conversation, while charming and funny - didn't happen.

Maple Mama

I don't want to embarass her, but I don't know if you all realize how special Maple Mama is.

She was once my college room-mate, before that, a class mate at Manhattan School of Music.

I have so many memories that include her, I don't think I would know where to start.

Our personal histories are entwined for more than 20 years. We know each others parents, siblings ( mine she's an only) and outside friends... ( Sierra Sedan).

We have a cross section of Buds ( Bernie, Am to name 2).

There are literally thousands of things I could tell you about her. She's warm, she's funny - though sometimes not in the way she intended, she's absolutely corny in the most wonderful ways. She's absolutley beautiful.

She married an amazing man. I've always been jealous of that.... in the good way! She has a gorgous son with the best temperment ( He sent me a flock of ducks once!).

What I truly love most about her, is that through all these years, when I needed her.... she was there. That day was yesterday.

The cross section of personal histories caused me to need her as the only person I knew that I trusted to talk to. She was there. It was a really good talk. And I have felt that the weight that was on me in my last post has now been lifted though I still have some work I need to do.

She's like a sister, but better. She's truly amazing and I want to take this moment to dedicate this post to her.

Because

I loev her so much!!!!!

And I want her to know that, though we may not communicate much or often, that doesn't change that at all.

Uneasy

I have had a week of revelations. not all good.

First, I spoke to a friend of mine on Sunday who knew something about the Choral group that is recruiting me.

She mentioned that the director was a bit of a tyrant and she wouldn't work with her. If I didn't care, that was my choice, but she wanted me to know going in. Not sure I can do two tyrants a week....

The update there is that they rehearse on Tuesday nights and I am locked into a recording contract through mid February and all those rehearsals are on Tuesday nights. Which is a bummer for me. I very much wanted to try this kind of singing and it seems like a lot of fun. Maybe in February and I will inquire about seasonal singing with them.

Secondly. I put 5 lbs on that don't seem to want to leave. I know why they are there and I know what I need to do and I am just frustrated. Don't mind me, I just need to bitch a bit.

So I am putting my exercize routine back in place tomorrow. Two times a day. No discussions. No ifs' ands or butts.... pun TOTALLY intended.

I have a friendship that's slowly dying and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I guess I need to let it go. So to that end, I have decided that the last phone call I made this past week i sthe last one . I can't change this now but I left a somewhat sarcastic message out of frustration for lack of contact for which I am sorry.

But my perception is that I am carrying it alone and I can't do it anymore, and you can't know how it kills me inside as I feel like I am the failure here. I have done everything that I know to do to keep a friendship alive and flourishing long distance and in the end, I am the one who failed her. I couldn't reach her to tell her this live in person, and I won't send it in an email. If she reads this, I'm so sorry. I loev you and I'm sorry I failed you in this. I won't contact you or bother you anymore, but I am here if you need me, you just need to reach out. I'll miss you.

Which brings me to my current problem. Periodically, I suffer from this feeling of failure. In the case above, it's kind of true. But usually it's in my own head.

I feel like I am not the best person that I should be. I recently won an award for ALS Chairperson for the Kiwanis club. I was thrilled. And I don't feel like I deserve it. At all. So I am bothered by that. I know the family would tell me I am crazy.

I feel like my weight problems are another source of failure. Oh no matter that I took off 25 lbs. I still don't feel like it's enough.

I feel incompetent at work - why ??? Because my boss treats me like I am. How long are you treated badly before you believe it's true?

I don't feel in slightest bit attractive due to some criticsm of late. Doctors and friends and what not. I have skin atrophy on my face from overuse of steroids. Could I be any more of an idiot? I , of all people, know better. it's getting better but not fast enough. My own vanity caused it - isn't that sad???

My house is surface wise fine - you would never know that under the surface lies a mass of unorganized chaos. I am working on that.

Maybe at the young age of thirty - something, I am having a midlife crisis. And I am on the brink of getting the exact things that I want. So explain this situation to me. Someone.

I am a very intense and dramatic person, despite my attempts to not be. I have given up trying to be what I am not and am concentrating on being a better version of who am. Sometimes, in the explorations, that means I have doubts about myself. I don't feel worthy of the people in my life and I then suffer some insecurities.

My issues here are largely communication related and fear driven. I know this and recognize it and am trying very hard to make those problems go away. I have some plans for this. OH and I am not patient. I'm better at it, but I am not patient.

I'm just uneasy. Ill at ease.

and this too shall pass.

When you're up you're UP

I was flying yesterday.

Not literally but I might as well have been.

I spent the day with my best friend at Jenna's house. We discussed the latest events and are excited about them. we played music for the twins and sang. we had coffee and talked. It was relaxing and fun.

Then I came home and got ready for my gig. It was amazing. I had so much fun. I sang "Fly me to the moon", "The way you look tonight", "The lady is a tramp", "let's fall in love", "Almost like being in love", "Can this be love", "Till there was you", "Somewhere", "Memory" ( I hate that one), "the Girl from Ipanema" and for my main number I did "At long last love".

It was wonderful.

You know what made it wonderful? My Best Friend showed up after his gig. That meant a lot to me. I took him around the room to say hello to all of our friends. He told me I looked beautiful. We caught up with everyone, had our picture taken. We were both offered another gig at this church's pasta-rama in February.

He has more tests today. I am still concerned but he has some antibiotics that they are hoping may help. I am thinking that this is some kind of infection and hoping that's all it is. Praying actually. A lot, hard and often.

Gold Dust at my feet

I've snapped out of it. All of it.

Here's the last few days in a recap:

My best friend came and stayed a couple of more days with me, it was entirely lovely AND I didn't freak out. In fact I did a load of laundry, the dishes and conducted my normal business as if he wasn't here. The housekeeper came and cleaned with him here too.

I realized that I needed to chill. I'm getting better at this. I'm happy about it.

We both have gigs on Friday so we can't see each other perform. Ah such is the life of musicians.

I attended the vigil service on Tues and the wake on Wed for Ella's mom. It was heartbreaking and happy all in one. She and I are going rekindle our friendship, its all still there. It's lovely and it makes me so happy.

I spent some quality time with my God Daughter at the wake, she is now 15 and beautiful. I helped her pick a song for Vocal Jazz auditions in school. We had a lovely time. I missed her so much and she has grown up so lovely.

When I came home both nights, my best friend was still here. It was entirely lovely.

My oldest friend sounds OK and that makes me happy but she's got a long haul on her hands.

My other friend Lily has decided to try marriage again. Given my stress level on the subject, her optimism is infectious and I fund myself smiling and happy for her. I was at the last one, so was my best friend for that matter, and we are invited to this small but elegant affair in Newport RI. Black tie, hotel room comped for the night, I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun and I am so happy for her.

We have a number of formal events coming up and I am thrilled because he is coming with me!

I feel like I am walking on air now. Things turn around so quickly in this world. I am happy. Generally speaking, happiness prevailed because in front of her mother's casket, Ellan and I sat and talked for half an hour. We have always had each other's lives in the focus through mutual friends, but we haven't talked until I called her in Dec. We missed each other and it was like not a day had passed. I hate keeping up with Liz through her babysitter but I was out of options. Now I don't have to.

My best friend was doing his sound engineering in the city working doubles which means home at 2-3AM and up again and on the train by 6AM for another day of it. He ha a couple of weeks of this leading up to 9-11 when he went in to see his friends from the morgue of 9-11. Every year they meet and go to the service together then to mass at St Pat's. Then he came to me. Contrite for not calling which is unacceptable.

Things are going so much better for me. I even lost 3 lbs of the superficial weight gain.... Yay me - 3 more to go!

Better but still weepy

I am in a general malaise.

If I'm honest with myself, it's the absence of my best friend for 10 days but who's counting?

Be that as it may. I am sad about Ella's mom. She was a dynamic performer, she was a forthright person - a little bit domineering but we'll call that the mother gene. That and she's British.

Grateful she's not in pain, but sad that she's gone. Something she always said to me came to mind today. She was raised Catholic during WWII. She didn't attend the catholic church - or any church after she moved to this country in 1970. When I asked her about that she told me that she couldn't believe in a God that would allow such a horrible war to go on and ravage her home, her family and her country.

She didn't really give up though. I know she didn't. She's at peace now. And no longer in pain and that's the main thing.

Last night while writing my post, I was seriously at the point of canceling all appts, rehearsals, lessons, pretty much everything are about, on a permanent level.

I just wanted out of my current existence. I'm tired. Bone tired. of everything.

I can't blame my best friend for this either.

It's my job. I am at the point where I hate going to work each day. I hate no matter what I do, it's not right. Or it is right, and I need to be criticized anyway just because.

I hate having my marching orders handed to me at 8:30 AM every day. Evidently I am too stupid to know what is a priority or not.

I am sticking it out as best as I can. But at some point I will need to make a decision. To stay or to go. I think we can all agree that I am not good at that kind of decision.

Additionally I am now at a point that I am seriously considering whether or not I ever want to get married. I am fairly sure that I do. In fact I am positive that I do. But divorce scares me. Being a child of divorce, with very few scars really, the idea of marriage and the work it entails is attractive, but scary. And I am dealing with friends who are on their first and second divorces and re-marriages. That's scary too. Honestly, I am starting to understand some of their reasons better. But divorce in any capacity just makes me cry. Every time, no matter whose it is. Because I see it as the end of a bad fairy tale.

Oh come on, I don't view marriage as a fairy tale. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

Seriously though. In a way, the end of a marriage I feel like it's the end of a life in a sense. and it is, It's the end of your life with that person. Now if they were abusive to you or your children in any way, divorce is the kindest thing that can happen. But just generally, it's so sad that my family and friends go through this that I grieve for them and the life together that they had.

So surely you can understand my fear of marriage is based on my experience with divorce. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best in Rumor has it.

"If the marriage implodes, divorce. You haven't lived fully till you've experienced one of those".

So that saddens me. I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and who I want to marry. I have no time table either.

I am feeling a little bit better about Friday night. I have a good accompanist and so I am really happy that it will go well.

So what am I doing to combat this you may be asking yourself.

Well in the area of my best friend, I'm waiting it out. We'll discuss the absence/communication issues when I see him and I will then explain to him why I am afraid the relationship will change and how communicating helps me keep that on par. But I'm not saying anything till we are in person.

In the area of my friends mom, I am going to the funeral on Wednesday. I need to pay my respects and say goodbye. I will go to the wake on Tuesday night as well so I can see my God-daughter.

In the area of my job, I'm just waiting it out for now. I don't know how long I can stand it but I'm going to try.

As far as the divorce/marriage thing: I just need to get my head out of my ass, be supportive to those who need it and not assume the cloak of responsibility for it.

I'm really not depressed, just sad becacuse things are backing up at one time. I'll be fine, I appreciate the concern and caring.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

I'm crying and I don't even know why

I was sitting at the computer just about 40 minutes ago putting in an order for tomorrow.

I ran into a snag, nothing life threatening or critical, but it sent me into uncontrolled, inconsolable sobs.

It's not over, it's just resting right now.

Today was a weird day. It's been 9 days since I have heard from my best friend. It's stressing me out on a number of levels - none of them new:

• I told him something about me that he didn't know. I am afraid it scared him. He wa sreally supportive but it could cause him to view me in a way that would both surprise and hurt me.
• Or our relationship is changing and not for the better. He no longer needs me and as moved on to other things. This one scares me the most
• Or he's taking me for granted
• Or it could be the real thing that i don't know what it is.

Then there is a friend of mine whose mom we prayed for today at church. She died later today. I know her mom well, this was heartbreaking. But for the best as she was so sick.

Then there is my oldest friend who passed on some bad news today of her own.

Then there is my high level of burnout and the fact that I am so far behind but only care because I am getting yelled at.

I have to learn 15 songs by Friday.

I went to the first rehearsal of my group and am unhappy at this time. I love the new director but have discoverred that the mismanagement of the board has really turned me off. I am looked down on because of who my dad is and that kills me. The man is dead - let him rest in peace.

When I itemize like this, I see the reasons make sense. When it was just the problem with my best friend, I wasn't thrilled, but giving space is OK and I could make my peace with that.

The burnout and dread of Monday mornings makes me so physically ill it actually raises my blood pressure on Sunday nights by 20 points.

I was doing so great this morning. I am really not in a good place.

call me CLUELESS

You know, I've never thought of myself as clueless, but maybe I am.

Here's the thing.

I was alerted to a situation involving one of my friends last night. It was a moment for me that really brought some clarity to my existence.

It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have not been the best friend that I could be of late.

Not that I am doing badly. I don't think we've crossed into that realm yet. But I could use some improvement. Hey at least I am not "openly hostile". Ha ha ha.

So I took some actions and apologized. I am feeling badly because I love this friend very much and we've been through so much together.

Then it occurred to me that, outside my immediate circle, I may have been less than available of late. Being honest with myself, my life has become comprised of work, teaching, my best friend and sleep. The filler time includes some form of food, exercize and socializing/errands/appts. There is very little time for anything spontaneous.

And this is in the summer. Fall just started. My availability is going to decrease further as the performing groups I belong to start rehearsal.

For those of you who need me and I am not being good about noticing the signs, please email/call/Instant message me. I am going to try hard to pay better attention to those that I love, but in case I miss it, please clue the clueless blond in! I will drop what I am doing, make time, whatever and you all know that!

So, in short, I am going to try and be better.