Clearing space

Jon and I spent the day clearing space.

He cleared his brothers space - bringing home a lot of stuff for our home. I cleared our actual space - with the intent to clear out more than was being added.

For my part, I boiled the stove. This stove has probably never been THIS clean since it was new. Of course I exaggerate - but I managed to break the electric pilot light mechanism at the same time. Mercifully Jon was able to fix that - and we have no idea what was wrong,

I also took the time to actually clean up the bedroom. This room is crazy, for it seems to be the catchall for all our crap.

He came home wearing a Ramones shirt that his brother is on, and his brothers boots - suitably distressed. He looked so much like his brother I didn't know what to say.

We talked about clearing his space and my clearing of ours. It had been quite productive for both - for now we can attack - once and for all - the office/music room area. Once that is set up then we can start working properly.

The other thing that is neat about clearing space is about clearing the air. We are trying to clear the air about us and about his brother. He accused me of harboring and I said I wasn't - he just keeps interrupting me while I'm talking about it!!!! This, of course, made us both giggle a little - because it's true....

Clearing space is a very fulfilling activity. I highly recommend it.

Cancer update and Editorial commentary

I want to be clear on something from yesterday's post. This is a general editorial on myself. Then back to our regularly scheduled program.



I am, now more than ever, of the belief that the specific balance and nature of a relationship and all that that entails is the business solely of the parties IN that relationship.



I say this because of my situation with this other person and the "license" she took and the lack of respect it shows.



I had a conversation with a friend today who in a strange twist of fate, ran into a similar framework - the specifics are different but the above belief still remains.



Here's what I mean - regardless of what goes on behind closed doors, there is a respect and dignity that is attached to each party and the relationship as a whole. If both parties don't strive to honor that, the relationship breaks down. That's what the communication structure and style is for.



I tend to run and hide. He tends to shout and walk out. We found a compromise. It took the better part of a year. These things sometimes happen right away and sometimes they take time.



I want to also address trust. Trust - as you know - is very hard for me. A lot of it is insecurity, which is solely my problem. IN order to make sure this wasn't a deal breaker in my relationship, I used baby steps and goals. Once one step or set of steps was met to attain a goal, I let go of that for awhile and let things rest. THen I worked on a bigger one. And so on and so on.



It's working for me.



So on that note I bring you back to our regularly scheduled post for today.

Cancer Update

I got him to go back to the doctor last week. We hadn't been since October. Out of sight out of mind played a small part, but the major reason was that he was out of clinic visits for Medicaid.

We need to have another PET scan. That will determine two things. One, the condition of the cancer at this point and Two, how to proceed from there.

I have learned during this illness that what the doctor says and what he tells me are not always an exact match but they are close.

So when he came home and said "no lumpectomy on the neck but the tonsils will have to come out by removing the jaw" I naturally panicked.

But I kept it all inside, and looked right at him and said,

"Did they actually say that or were they hedging and giving that as the worst case scenario?"

"They were hedging - it's a worst case scenario"

OK. I can work with that. Although it does mean removing his jaw completely and then doing reconstructive surgery with no guarantee that he will have a voice when he's done.

Of course neither of us is feeling to great about that. But. If that's what it takes to keep him alive then that's what it takes.

We shall jump off that bridge when we get to it.

Some bloodwork needs to be done still to determine the status of his kidneys. Other than that he's doing OK. I'm sliding the healthy lifestyle in a bit at time.

We will beat this thing yet.

Some interesting changes

I'm back.

I won't say "better than ever". Not yet.

The Acupuncture is the most amazing experience I've had in my life. Acupuncturists have the same challenges as Western Medical Doctors in treatment and it makes for a very interesting experience.

I have now had 3 treatments. Ever untrusting and skeptical, I didn't think anything was happening.

Why?

Because my skin - while improving - is not improving the way I expected. Not speed, mind you, though that would be nice.... More along the lines of the fact that I am still using the topical steroids and 4-5 different moisture creams 6-8 times per day.

However, I noticed that while I still worry and still suffer bouts of depression - I now have a new term for it. I call it depression light. I noticed my OCD is less. I trust more.

And now I am communicating. Better than ever.

I don't know if that's the acupuncture OR if that is simply the learning curve of the relationship or both.

But we have now had 1 serious fight that was resolved very quickly and was by rights my favorite fight - and his - because of how we handled ourselves and the situation. It was quite funny coming out the the other side.

The second thing that happened was the night BEFORE my third appt, I came home in the snow and he had just walked in. We were having a conversation and I burst out that I was tired of doing the right thing by people only to be taken advantage of. I'm tired of being the perpetual grownup when I am normally the youngest in the crowd by 10 years. Just because I am nice does not mean I am stupid!

He walked in, looked at me, put his arms around me said "Who's doing this to you?"

I replied one name.

THe name of one his "fans". We'll call her Sandy. Which is her real name. She is roughly his age ( Overage groupies tend to behave this way incidentally - I'm just starting to get that), married, two grown children.

She trashes me to him every chance she gets. She doesn't even know me. I'm offended. I'm a nice person. I'm a good person. And while I don't need to be LIKED by everyone - I do deserve some levek of respect in accordance with the relationship.

I tell him this adding "Who the hell is she to judge me? What goes on between you and I is only our business."

He basically responded that he is taking responsibility for it because he took a fight out of the house to her back in Sept when he should not have. He never corrected the situation because frankly he forgot and didn't think that it was anything important. If he had known how tormented I was by it, he would have addressed it sooner.

To which I concurred, adding, "Well she must have a HELL of an understanding husband."

THe look on his face was priceless.

"Ummm - she's not married. Not for many years. " he gently replied

"Oh really? YOu didn't notice the wedding bands on her hand? THEY CAN BE SEEN IN SPACE!" I countered.

"Oh I asked her about that. She said she just liked them" even he's not buying that....

"Look. It doesn't matter whether she is or she's not - that's her business. THe fact of the matter is I KNOW she is because she and I have a mutual friend. She's lying to you to support whatever her hidden agenda is. I don't like it because it's disrespectful to both you and I"

"Wow. Well. She's definitely lied to me about it. And frankly after the lies I went through with the whore who I had an Actual relationship with, I don't need this from someone I am just friends with. She's off the mailing list and I am deleting her from the address book. I am also going to have a conversation at my next gig there at the end of the month and clarify things about you because that's just not right" He said.

"Do you feel better?" He asked.

"I do."

Since I doubt she will go quietly, I did pull a background check on her to give some additional leverage. I won't use it unless absolutely necessary, but I felt she would start covering her tracks and I WAS RIGHT.

Her myspace profile - overnight - went from displaying married to in a relationship - and you have to hunt for it.

THe thing that made this really important to me is that he understood that taking something out from behind closed doors was not cool. And he's going to rectify it. He also now realizes that people are not always what they seem. And lastly, that I do trust him to do the the right thing by me and us. And he is.

THe biggest thing for me was that I held onto this for way too long. He called me on it and was right to do so. I wasn't planning to address it then. It just came out. But I wasn't afraid. Even though, my gut said that this woman was trouble back in May. I told him then and he blew it off because we barely knew her. Now he see's that I was right.

It's very liberating. This whole communication thing. And we are closer than ever about it. His friends, my friends and OUR Friends all see it - the intimacy is built more and more each day.

These are good stepping stones. Really good.

Keeping your enemies close or just too trusting?

Yes I know I have been blog "dark" for a few weeks.

My busi-ness level tripled with the holidays and it's not over yet.

Let me backtrack - I managed to surprise Jon on the 20th for his first gig back with the band. He didn't expect the table full and given the snowy sub zero icy temps - I was amazed as many showed as they did. 

It was a fun and lovely evening.

Two days later I awake to the intense ringing of the phone and my talking caller id announcing Jon's name.

Weird becayse I had fallen asleep around 11AM in the bedroom because he was napping on the couch. So how is he calling me from the living room and more importantly why? The house isn't THAT big and he could get his butt up!

I was dreaming that his brother passed away.

Which is ironic because it was his sister on the phone ( hence the talking caller id thing - her's comes up last name first). I knew when the minute I picked up the phone that Alex was gone.

I walked the phone into him and he was awake and calling her on his cell. She started freaking out " Why does he have to do everything the hard way??? WHY CAN"T HE JUST TALK ON THIS PHONE???" I had to give her that one. it made no sense to me either.

Alex was gone. After 8 years with ALS. He went in the night in his sleep. He was done. He is now in Rock and Roll heaven.

THere was little we could do but make the calls to our friends and loved ones just to let them know.

The next few days were insane. and yet calm. It was surreal to be honest. I was still planning his fundraiser that he didn't know about. So that kept me busy because many of those people wanted to come to the funeral which made it nuts.

Finally the family closed the funeral off to immediate family and the health care professionals that took care of him with the promise of a memorial at the end of January.  

I answered all the emails and phone calls and made sure that every one knew "game on".  He still wanted to keep our plans for lunch with friends ( the cover story) at that restaurant. 

Breathing a sigh of relief in a way, Christmas eve comes. He had made plans to attend services at his congregation with his family at 5:30 then dinner with them.  He intended to meet meat my church at 10:30 for our services. The plan after was to meet friends for drinks but that didn't work out so we were going to meet at home and have the eggnog I just made.

Ah the best laid plans.....  Somehow or another I was slightly delayed in leaving church and he should have beat me home by 20 minutes.  Strangely though, I got home and he wasn't there. Finally 40 minutes later I called his phone and he texted back that he was at one of the pubs as the owner paged him.

This turned out to be a lie but not a strategically crafted one. Given the circumstances - I didnt' ride him too much on it. He really wanted to drink the pain of his brother's dying away.  I was expecting this since the news came in so I wasn't altogether surprised.   He didn't want to "admit" that need so he came up with the lie so I wouldn't ride him too much.  

I want to take a slight pause in the story to explain that this pub and I have a checkered past.  Largely good, but the lows were LOW.    I know the owners and most of the waitstaff there.    So I can safely tell you that he hasn't been in there since Easter.   He hasn't been in touch since Easter.  This is very key to the rest of this story.   Back to our regularly scheduled program. 

I wake up at 3AM,  he's still not back and now I am starting to worry about how far gone he was.  So I texted him to let me know when he was ready to come home so I could get him. But I missed him as he walked in the door 10 minutes later. Holding a flier in his hand for his own fundraiser and not too happy with me!!!!

I tried to cover it but I'm not really adept at that. So I bailed fast and came clean. He started laughing as he was trying to remain upright. I got him into bed and he talked about how we would keep the secret for everyone else who worked so hard.

He wanted to bring his bass guitar and his acoustic.   He wanted me to sing some tunes.  We re-arranged the cover story of OURS to cover the original cover story.   Alex's death not withstanding that actually was helpful.  We basically went in two separate cars.  THe story for that was that he had to go to his mom's early and didn't have a chance to shower. At 1:45 I was walking out the door with both guitars in hand telling people that he was in the shower so I was able to sneak them out.  He was so overwhelmed and touched by this that combined with his brother's passing and the copious amounts of alcohol he consumed we had a few hours of him crying in my lap.   I could not have been more touched by his feelings. 

The invites had been going out, being updated and lots and lots of communications have been flying around.   I invited the whore.    Being the bigger and nicer person, I thought he would have appreciated that.  I invited his movie buddy,  his exwife even though she lives in another country and tons and tons of people regardless of location. 

As I walk into the bar, with my stuff and his two guitars in my hands, His movie buddy meets me at the door and helps me get everything into bar and set up.   Then I see the whore who comes over and hugs me.  I introduce the two women and proceed to get everything rolling.   

He walks in  - plays surprised BRILLIANTLY - seriously no one in Hollywood can hold a candle to the two of us! 

The music went on for 7 hours.   We shut it down when the PA and sound system had to depart for another gig out east!  We had musicians upon musicians upon musicians playing and singing.  Guitars, cellos, singers - harmonicas - it was just a blast.   Jon played all night long.   I sang a couple of sets with him and we had a great time.  I met tons of friends of his that I had been hearing about for years!  Many of my friends and some of "our" friends.  It was lovely. 

The one damper was the whore.  She got hammered.  And I mean hammered.  So much so that she could barely walk, she was flirting with every guy in the bar, handing out her phone number, broke my cellphone temporarily ( I was able to fix it later that night), she was feeling everyone up including me - she kept hugging me and telling me how lucky he was to have me and what a good woman I am.   Then - she goes up to Jon asks him to play the song he wrote FOR HER when they were together and he didn't ( lucky for him).  Not to be outdone, she then decides it was time to go home, oh but wait - as she was saying good bye to Jon, she invited him to go with her. 

Ummm - HELLO??????     Are you people KIDDING ME???? I truly thought my head was going to explode.  Oh he handled it well enough - he told her that was never going to happen again and that any future was dependent on her.   

Umm - yeah that's fine but not good enough.  So when we talked about it the next day I told him that I was offended at her behaviour and he needs to straighten her out.  She needs to understand that It was never going to happen again REGARDLESS of what she does.   And she needs to know that I am pretty angry with HER for the betrayal.  I tried to do the right thing and she screwed me.  Moving forward she won't be included.  Period.  I don't need this drama. 

He did agree with me that she needs to hear ALL of that in the light of sobriety and that he has no intentions of going back to her because she is incapable of giving him the relationship he wants and needs and that he is much happier here with me.   I meet his needs in ways she never could.   Part of him still hurts from the things she put him through and to some extent still does.  But he's trying hard to let it go and move on.   This was our first foray into the 3 of us in a social situation and she failed.   

I'm not angry anymore even though that converation hasn't happened yet.  We both had a great laugh though as she called and left a message as if nothing happened - she has no memory!  Oops.  

This was how we closed out Chrismas week.    I don't know if I was just trusting that she would behave at the ripe age of 50 or that I  trusted that she was telling me the truth in the hospital that she didn't want Jon.   Or was I just keeping my enemy close? 

Truth be told I don't think it is as much the enemy as the others.   The reason is,  it was way too easy for me to not invite her.  Way too easy.  

I'm embarrassed because she made a liar out of me.  I'm embarrassed because she made a fool out of me.  And herself - more so.  

It's been a tough week.  We have had a LOT go on.  But honestly - he was so overwhelmed by everything that I did.  I'm the hero of his life.   His family ( who just could not attend the fundraiser due to the fact that they buried Alex the day before) loves me now in ways that they never did before.  I was so worried that they continued their dislike of me.  I found out differently and then they proved it on New Years Eve.   I spent New Years at the restaurant where Jon plays.  We sang a set together and then his mum and step dad and step siblings showed up - we closed the place down.  It was one of my better New Years eve's in my life.  We had so much fun!  It was not complicated, there was no agenda - everyone was in good spirits and good form.  

I wish for you all a happy 2009.   It has to be better for all of us.  I truly believe that.  

I have hope.  

My December is flying by. Just when I think I have everything together - I realize just how far from my goal I really am this year. I still have gifts to buy, the house is NOT decorated and I can't find my dining room table.

OK the table comment is no longer true. I did fix that so we can get the table out and the new one in. So that's one thing I can check off.

Friday was Jon's birthday. It was also my dress rehearsal. Now the deal was that Jon and I were supposed to see a play -today. However - he has a family situation that he needed to attend to today so he went on Thursday Night with his niece. He and the woman who owns the theater group ( an old flame as it would be) went out to celebrate their collective birthdays afterward.

What we decided to do ws to have all our friends meet us at one of the bars/restaurants in town to have drinks an hang out.

So he went to the movies and dinner with his best friend while I was at dress rehearsal. He drove down to the bar. I met him there after rehearsal. However, I was sweating the entire evening because of the guest list.... I shouldn't really worry about it - but I do. We had a mixture of different folks invited - actually to be fair - his entire mailing list. Whivh includes some folks that are still "competitive" with me. So I was a little freaky.

Needlessly - Though I feel REALLY incredibly badly for him, very few folks made it out that night. The ones that did were really spectacular though. OUr friend Chris came, Lisa, Nessa and Lloyd.

The small potential fly in the ointment was that my ex's band was playing. And lord of lords - these two men even liked each other and JOn now wants to use him for a couple of recordings. Now I tried gently to dissuade him as that has the possibilty of discomfort - for me - but from a musical stand point it makes good sense. We'll jump off that bridge when we come to it.

The band was good and we all had a wonderful time - Jon toasted me ( instead of himself) to my surprise - He basically said he wouldn't be here today on his 52nd birthday if it hadn't been for me. He felt everyone should have a "me" in their life but they cou;ldn't have this one - because I was his.

My concert went really well. I was very pleased. The Mozart was lovely and I had a lot of fun doing it.

I spent today taking care of busimess I can't take care of while he's home. I worked on his fundraiser and spent a lot of time making sure that he doesn't get wind of it. I have invited as many people asI can think of and I am doing the rounds of the places he goes to.

So here's my thankful list - it's a big one.

1. I am thankful that His birthday was such a lovely success for him. He loved his card from me, he and I had a great time together and I let him go for a night by himself in the city to see an old flame ( she's married) and trusted him completely on it. These were big things for me but they were very big for him and he thanked me for it. It's even easier now.
2. I am thankful for my other friends coming through when I need them. I was told that I shouldn't dance when I was child - I believe the expression "AN elephant in army boots" was used to describe me. Jon always said that was a load of crap and he danced in a ballet troupe for years. But Nessa said it too and I can't refute BOTH of them. I haven't felt so good about dancing in public since I danced with mah pahtner in college. But that's not a fair representation either since he too, can REALLY dance and make even the weakest partner look fantastic!
3. I am thankful that my concert went so well. I did the best job I could have. I missed my dad during the singing of Silent Night which is a first. But it was lovely.
4. I am thankful that Jon and I seem to be getting back to rights. slowly and ever so surely. those baby steps work. I am just trying to be patient.
5. I am thankful for the wonderful responses I am getting to the fundraiser. I cannot wait at this point because we have 3 HUGE events coming up surrounding Christmas. Most of htem are surprises.

Healthy Changes

I don't know about you, but anyone who tries to make me change "for my own good" is pretty much looking to get punched.

Jon is much the same way.

So it should come as no surprise that the source of many of our conflicts is this topic exactly.

Now - I am the very first one to tell you - "do not try to change your mate".

I have a little bit of a different spin on this now. My spin is - don't change them - change yourself and guide them slowly along with you. If you BOTH do it - you're growing together. RIght?

Sounds excellent on paper.

I have been working at the practical reality on this as well. We do the two steps forward one step back dance alot of the time, but I have to say that we are growing together overall.

My only problem is patience. I hate to say this in this way as it's sort of fairy tale-ish, but I have waited my WHOLE LIFE ( to this point) for this man and I want the whole picture RIGHT NOW.

One of the things that I am doing at the suggestion of a very enlightened young woman, is to surround him and spend time with other Healthy couples. I have discovered that this actually has excellent benefits. We have a lot of mutual friends that fall into this category. So for me it's an easy one.

We had a game night with 2 other couples - it was a HUGE hit. He freaked out the next day about it, but we have rallied and moved forward since then.

THen a few weeks ago, we had dinner and a movie with another couple - yet another astounding hit. Wow and wow. This gets better and better.

I received my Christmas present from him today. Because it arrived and was too big for him to hide. He would have wnated to assemble it and have it under the tree and there was no way to make that work at this time. So he had me go into the foyer and open it there.

I got my piano bench! I have had the Steinway for 20 years - it was my college Graduation gift. And I have been using a dining room chair for it ever since.

This piano bench is gorgeous. Black laquer, storage in the bench, the perfect height. He set it up, and I sat down and played. It was heaven. It was the perfect gift. He was too excited. He couldn't wait!!!!

I was so happy.

When I got home, the entertainment center wascompleted, the wiring done, the TV and cable and home theater system racked and functional. It looks AMAZING.

PS don't worry - I still have gifts to open Christmas day - he made that clear!

Today's Happy dance list includes:

1. I am thankful that things are slowly but surely shaping up. I still have a lot of work to do on me, but I have faith and hope now.
2. I am thankful that though it is a sad thing that my stepmom's best friend passed away, I am thankful that she is no longer in pain or suffering.
3. I am thankful that my Old TV will be going to a good home with Jon's Brother.
4. I am thankful that my old bookcases are going to a good home with my best friend.
5. I am thankful that I stood up to my Poodle. Whenever the going gets tough for him, he expects that everyone will drop what they are doing to coddle him through it. He called me every hour yesterday and then today I got 3 calls and 3 hangups before 9AM. This is unacceptable and after 10 years of this, I called him back, we did an hour of work together with me helping him. After that wasn't enough and I was still getting harassed all day, I called him back and told him this had to stop. I have my own work to do and he's a man in his mid 50's that needs to learn how to work independently.

A foot in each camp

I'm simply not sure what to feel.

Before JOn and I moved into together, I was very self assured and confident about what I did and didn't want. When he was "mis-behaving" I was sure about what to tell him and how to tell him. And more importantly - WHEN to tell him.

I never had the large enveloping sense of uncertainty that exists today.

Since most of you know I detest change, and do not handle it well, it stands to reason that the events of today, while good, have me reeling.

My house is a shambles. I have a new media center that I love, a new TV, a new home theater system. My living room is literally in the reverse from what it was this morning. I can't get into the music room and I cannot access the dining room EXCEPT through the kitchen.

We are both exhausted and snappish. I started to get resentful right around the time when he started telling me that the food I ate today was too much for the amoung of activity I did. I said nothing however because this is an argument that would be defined as stupid - right now.

As I sat on the couch and I listened to him say these words "Contessa - I am NOT TELLING YOU THIS AGAIN" about something I threw in the garbage in an incorrect format, it occurred to me that this house and it's contents that I worked my whole adult life to own, was no longer mine.

While I am happy about that, I am also very much afraid. Afriad that my identity as an individuak might be lost, afraid of what happens if this doesn't work out, afriad that something could happen to one of us.

If you include all the other crap that's going on here, ( his midlife crisis for one and my holiday depression for another) this is wonderful and yet frightfull - all at one time.

So I am processing slowly. I am really trying to focus on ways to bring us both back to center again.

Re-decorating is always a great way to join forces and make a place "ours" instead of "mine". However there are adjustments that need to go with it. I just need to figure out what they are and do them.

Yet another pothole on the road of life -.... this one is luckily not too deep!

1. Today I am thankful for Jon. He worked himself to the bone - and I mean bone, putting together the furniture. He has infinite patience and it looks gorgeous. I am lucky.
2. Today I am thankful that my job is flexible. While I am happy to be leaving the one customer and take on the new position, the flexibiliy that I am afforded is lovely.
3. Today I am thankful for my friends. I am indeed blessed in this regard. I am facing another difficult holiday season and while it's different from last year, it's not going to be easier. I already know this. THe handwriting is on the wall. I am trying to dodge the curveballs fast this year. The thing that makes it better is that this year I can discuss it with my girlfriends - all of them ( And Digital Dad of course) and not worry who knows what.
4. Today I am thankful that I am able to think up good surprises for my loved ones. I think I love the giving of gifts to my loved ones more than receiving them. I can't wait to see their faces.
5. Today I am thankful that I am able to provide for my family, Regardless of the fact that the family is just the two of us. I know it bothers him that he's living "off" me right now, but it's nice to know that at least for a short duration I am able to make ends meet. I feel stronger just with that.

Thankful things and the countdown

Today I am thankful for lots of things and I am here to admit and acknowledge my fall off the trust wagon briefly.

1. Today I am thankful for the knowledge that enabled me to fix my own laptop. I lost my entire Itunes and several other apps yesterday and I am still not sure how it occurred other than I attempted to upgrade Itunes at Apples suggestion. I had to rollback with a system restore to Saturday which mercifully was no great issue. Just in the nick of time too - the new ipod arrived yesterday!
2. Today I am thankful for Jon. He came home from working out yesterday, prepped dinner for last night AND tonight. Cleaned the bathroom, the kitchen, the living room tables and the music room. He made me dinner AND dessert. He made me breakfast and lunch and he even made the tea which, simple as it sounds, he usually leaves to me as he never likes how he does it. I am very lucky indeed. I will tell you that the downside of all of this is that because I work from home there is a seed of resentment because I am physically here, but doing something else when he feels I should be helping him. I understand it and so does he but that's part of the process.
3. Today I am thankful for my new boss. I feel like crap. Big time. Voice cuts in and out. I am a tad phlematic. and Wiped out. He told me to take the day and rest up. I am not accustomed to that and what a nice man. I think I will stay with this group for a bit.
4. Today I am thankful for the blessing of my voice. I was awarded the solo in the Mozart Exultate Jubilate on Dec 13. I am doing the Alleluia. It was very tight competition. Jon heard the audition and didn't want to trade places with the director AT ALL. All three of us were well prepped and in good voice. We did a good job. It bottomed out to what sound was he looking for. I guess it was mine. I am shocked and thrilled. BAck to WORK.
5. Today I am thankful for the relationship I have with food. It's scary and it's real. But I am getting better at it. Each meal I try to slow down my consumption ( I hold the county record for speed eating). It's very possible that I can slow down to a normal pace. But I am not eating the mass quantity I used to. I just eat it fast.

So there it is folks.

Thankful list

1. Today I am thankful for my body. I went to my pilates class and my strength has really increased especially in my upper body. I was able to move my arms and shoulders in ways that I still can't believe. I am not seeing the differences yet - but I feel them!
2. Today I am thankful for the thoughfulness of my partner. When I came home from my lessons, I flew into the house at 7:45 and changed in my pilates clothes and flew out to my class. When I arrived home an hour later, Heroes was on, the dishes were done and he made me sit down on the couch with the cat and he made my dinner for me.
3. Today I am thankful for the new position I have. Even though I don't want it. I would be happier staying where I am. However it gives me an opportunity to utilize my skills.
4. Today I am thankful for my financial resourcefulness. You all know that I have been saying that for sometime we have been barely eeking by or dealing with financial highs and lows from month to month as i am the only one working. Today, after some very serious thought and very serious consideration, I took a big step. It will take care of longterm and shortterm issues and enable us to secure a nice future and start 2009 off on the right foot. I will sleep better tonight for doing it. I was afraid that he would freak out and leverage it, but he didn't. He just looked at me in wonder and said "You are so much smarter than I am at this". That was enough for me.
5. Today I am thankful for passing the second trust test. Jon received an email from the whore today. She needed to speak to him either on the phone or in person. I am not comfortable with that. At all. However, I looked at it, reviewed it in my mind and realized that we hadn't heard from her for the better part of a month. She isn't coming after him for anything romantic, so whatever it is, can't be that big of a deal if she's willing to do it on the phone. Then I dismissed it from my mind. He picked up the phone around the time she gets home from work and called her. Right in front of me. I felt doubly better. He left her a message with her daughter and that was that. I dont' know if they talked or what about and it really doesn't matter all that much. It just illustrated to me that I am calming down, albeit slowly, about her. I have to laugh that my stomach tightens at the mere mention of her name and today was no exception. But I unknot it immediately now. BEcause it's not the big tangle of knots that it used to be. I feel like I'm growing.

A friend of mine wrote a terrific article about 5 ways to strengthen your marriage. I read it today. I was very pleased wtih the article. Not only is she a gifted writer, but this is a really well put together article and I read it very carefully. We are working on all those things.

I am definitely going through my own growth period now. So is Jon. The good news is we are growing together. I like that.

Namaste!

Last wishes, thankful things

Alex is dying.


He has had ALS ( Lou Gehrigs' disease) since 2001.


He is officially a morphine addict though at the end stage of ALS, they don't call it that. But- it is in fact what is technically happening.


I think about this every day. There is so little we can do every day. We make him comfortable. We take money and supplies to him and his health care workers. We have moved him into the main living area of his house and he is in a hospital bed at long last.


He needs to go to the hospital soon to have his feeding tube changed. For those of you who remember, that feeding tube is a crucial moment in my relationship with Jon.


Jon has been going in once a week to make sure that everything is going the way it should. He spends time with Alex which to me is the most important thing.


We watched Love Actually last night with Nessa and Bill. They hadn't seen it and it's a beautiful movie. However Jon cries almost every time at the Laura Linney story line. She is the caretaker for her brother and cannot see that she has sacrificed her life and happiness for the well being of her brother. It was seeing this with me a year ago that got Jon motivated to move out of full time care of his brother.


So last night, in the midst of a routine practical discussion about Alex and his care and needs for the change of feeding tube, he started to cry. He said "My brother is dying".

I just held his hand. There is nothing we can do to stop, slow down or reverse this. This is a death sentence for him. It's horrible and it sucks and I am sad to say, it is what it is at this point.


Please understand - I am compassionate to Alex. He's made mistakes - he's human - but he shouldn't pay for that with his life. I think he now is starting to realize just how much he took and how little he gave back. It makes me sad for him. But the cards are dealt now and there's nothing to do at this point but focus on the good things that are left.

Jon finally said to me what has been plaguing him for a year. He wanted it made clear - that if this cancer turns around and suddenly becomes terminal, I am not to let him suffer out like this. He wants to go and quickly. Please turn up the morphine drip, set up his headphones and IPOD and just hold his hand till he sleeps and is gone.


I gently laughed and said that I know, I'm familiar with your work.... He told me I actually wasn't because he was incapable of completing that task on his own when he was in the hospital in July.


"That wasn't your decision, I shut that down. I brought in the nurse who brought in the psychs. Do you understand why?" I asked


"Well no actually.... why did you?" he said


"Because you were CAPABLE of a full medical recovery. You were getting better. There was 95% chance of recovery. And I wasn't letting you go without a fight. HOWEVER. If you are terminal and there is no hope and this is what you want, as long as I am here to fight for you, and I have decision making capabilities, you will have what you want. " I said.


"Thank you - that's all I ask. I do not want to linger on and be a place holder in life - just let me go" He said.


You know what was interesting. I never thought this was something I could do. I have always believed that we are more humane to our animals than we are to our people. You wouldn't let your terminally ill dog or cat live a poor quality of life, correct? Why? because it's selfish and only serving YOUR purposes. So why would we do something like that to a person?


It will be possibly the most hideous and difficult decision and action to take, but I won't hold him on this earth if he is terminal and wants to go. I would ensure that there is no possibility of recovery but if lingering and being a burden is too much for him - than I feel that I could honor his wishes and not put him on life support.

Today we went to the city to see a play. I met him in the city because he is going to see Alex to drop off some things, fix the DVD player and move some things around.

The play was lovely and it was nice to walk through the city. We took the subway to Queens where he left his car when he went to see Alex. As we were driving home,he started to talk about Alex and his visit. Evidently he was more lucid today than most days. He made Alex laugh at something that I said regarding the Wizard of Oz the night before ( and no mean feat either - I'm not funny - ASK ANYONE!) but I gathered form our conversation in the car that the overall tone of the visit was not wonderful and full of warm familial feelings.

As Jon read me chapter and verse in a very calm way about some of the things that had gone on between them as adults in healthier times, I finally stopped him and told him about editing. Edit out the crap and focus on the good times. Because Alex won't be with us much longer and it doesn't pay to focus on the bad stuff, I felt it was necessary to try and turn the negatives here into something at the base that was Neutral if not positive.

We continued the conversation and by the time we got home I realized that he was in a better place for having talked it out. He just needed to say that bad stuff out loud. Get it off his chest so he could now focus on the good.

We are not anywhere near the end of this road but I can see it from here. It's only going to degrade as time goes on.

So having said all this - here's my 5 thankfuls for today:

1. I am thankful that my audition went well. My audition tonight was fairly good and I feel sorry for my poor director who has 3 qualified sopranos who were well prepped to do this piece. It's not a matter of who did the best audition now - it's a matter of what sound does he want.
2. I am thankful that things in my relationship are going better. I think we are both working harder and it shows in both of us. We are still having some minor issues but this too shall pass.
3. I am thankful that Alex has pain management at this stage of his life. I am heartbroken that we are at this point, and I am bonding with him through Jon in ways that never happened in healthier times. Alex and I share a love for "Family Guy" and though he cannot communicate with me other than email, we have forged a small bond over little things like that, the Wizard of Oz, some darkish humor, and music.
4. I am thankful for the lovely day,albeit cold, that enabled us to do some walking in NYC.
5. I am thankful for the lovely dinner and rehearsal we had tonight. Some big things happened here. We stopped at the store to pick up a few things for supper at his suggestion. When we got home, he made the most amazing Caesar salad and we had homemade Chicken soup. We went to our rehearsal where he bought us raffle tickets on his own. I was utterly surprised when he said that too. The rehearsal was lovely - we had a wonderful time - I had my audition then we came home.
   

Todays Thanks

I am really loving this new turn that my blog has taken. I want to tell you about some amazing things that have come of it after JUST TWO DAYS.

I am generally in a more positive frame of mind. I consider possibilites instead of failures. I am still suspicious but one doesn't give that up in 2 days after 40 years of being that way.

So because of the good and neat things that I am seeing come out of this, here's todays 5.

1. I am thankful for being able to not harbor on a mistake. Last night we had dinner plans with friends that we have never socialized with before. He had gone to the bar without me while I was teaching to book a gig. He left at 5;30 and was to be home by 7 so we could be at our destination by 7:30. At 7:30 I called him and got voice mail. At 7:40 I called again and he was "on his way". That meant he hadn't left yet. And while he was only 10 mins away that meant we would be a full 30 mins late to our destination and we were bringing dinner. When he got here, I was seething. He apologized profusely and took full ownership to both me AND our friends for the lateness. I made the MENTAL decision to NOT hold onto this. I was very proud of myself. That's normally difficult for me, and this time it wasn't. I am thankful that I was able to do that and that it wasn't all that difficult. Makes me hopeful for myself.
2. While I am thankful for my friends in general, I am thankful for these new friends.While I have known Nessa for a really long time and her mom, aunt etc. I feel a deeply special connection with her and her boyfriend. She is not only my massage therapist but I am proud to call her my friend. We can share things in ways I can't explain and she has managed to make my life so much better. I had the amazing priveldge of reading something she wrote that is important to her. It touched me in ways I cannot explain to you but it reinforced something I have known about her. She is the most spiritually enlightened young woman I know. She encourages and inspires. I am thankful to the universe for bringing us together.
3. I am thankful for the example that Nessa and Will showed me. Last night, I was shown the example of a healthy loving couple wiht values similar to ours. It was really lovely. It helped start to bridge a gap as well which for us is important.
4. I am thankful that in my first quest to trust more, I was succesful. Having him at the bar by himself last night after the fight we had 2 weeks ago was huge. I do trust him but given those recent events I was more unsure of myself than of him. When I really dug deep on that, I reaklized that the problem is largely mine. So I tested myself and I won't tell you that I didn't have enormous moments of doubt throughout the day BUT I shut my mouth and it turned out just fine.
5. I am thankful that I was able to assist a neighbor today. She is petrified of mice and to protect she and her family she wanted to get a cat. She doesn't know anything about cats.So I assisted her with information and places to rescue an animal so she could do some good for an animal in addition to protecting her household.

I had an amazing night last night. It was a real eye opener for both of us. Many good things for me and for Jon.

Plans and my five things

Today's five things that I am thankful for are:

1. I am good enough at my job that I am in higher demand than I thought. As of yesterday I have a new position in my company in my primary area of expertise. On the one hand I am not happy about moving managers as I like mine overall. I would rather stay with a good boss than move in my area of expertise to an unknown. It sounds crazy but good leadership is hard to come by. But I am thankful to know that I am that valued that they really made my current boss angry by taking her number 1 and her number 2 away from her.
2. I am Thankful for my ability to recognize my faults and work on me. I am using this blog to help be a better "me" now. I can't change Jon, but I can change me. SoI am looking at the things in me that could be stronger and better and working on those. I am going to keep trying to improve the strengths I have as well.
3. I am Thankful for the challenges that I have been given. These challenges in all forms make me a stronger person. One of my tasks is to try and be more trusting and I think that tonight is going to be an exercise for that. I am looking for the strength within me that I can handle this gracefully.
4. I am Thankful for the fact that I am struggling with this list! It makes me human!!!! This is really hard - I was too generic and broad yesterday so not repeating is really hard.
5. I am Thankful that Jon is here with me though we are having still some difficulty.

This was the hardest day - I'm sure that this will get easier as time goes on but wow - I can't tell you how I struggled to not repeat myself and I'm not at all confident that I did that well.... But it's my exercise and my blog dammit so there!

The bottom line - I am really trying to do work on me and myself to be a far more enlightened and spiritual person.

If I do that - it will matter less what others think. I spend a lot of time protecting the things I have worked so hard for and worrying about everyone else and their needs. I joke with Jon pretty regularly that it's all about him and rarely about me. That's true for about 65% of the time. I just don't usually see that 35 % is in fact, about me. Just because, at times, it feels like I love him more than he loves me doesn't mean that he doesn't love me.

So one BIG thing at time. I'm working on trust. THe funny thing is, I figured what "event" made him the way he is. I just don't know what "event" made me the way I am. Isn't that weird?

Oprah

I am not an Oprah fan.

I am not a Martha Stewart fan either - and I actually have personal access to her.

However, my mom, meaning well, subscribed me to the Oprah magazine.

I am stupidly behind in my periodical reading given how busy life has become in 2008. So in my travels, I always bring one with me to read so I can catch up.

I took one to the beach with me the other day when walking. I tend to do the full boardwalk and then sit on one of the many benches and watch the ocean and the folks around while reading and listening to my ipod.

I read a fascinating article on love and the universe. It told the story of a woman who was advised by her psychic to write down a list of qualities she wanted in a partner "right down to the color of his socks" and put it away. The universe would deliver him to her. According to the story - it did.

Nice story - very oprah-esque - but I wasn't buying it.

So when my massage therapist gave ME the same advice I looked at her and laughed. She then proceeded to tell me how she went through a rough period - really rough - until she met her current partner. Whom she is madly in love with and he with her. They are an amazing couple too. I worship them because not only are they amazing people but they inspire others. Just by being themselves.

After that last huge fight, I went to teach her a voice lesson and being so in tune with me - she immediately asked me what was wrong.

We talked for awhile and after imparting that advice, I went home and did just that. I made my list. And with only one or two minor exceptions, that man is sitting in my home. He's just not ready. The universe delivered me a half baked cake. Maybe I'm so supposed to finish off the recipe.... tee hee.....

Anyway - the bottom line is when you step back and discover that the problem isn't yours, but you are involved due to proximity, the only thing you can do is work on yourself. You can't solve another's mid life crisis, or growth period. Which is more or less what this is.

So - I started doing just that. And I noticed a big change - in him and in us. Good ones.

We aren't all the way there but in 4 short days, he started working out again, he started making calls to his doctors to set up appointments, he is cooking again, we went out to a movie and had a drink in public, we are going to a play in the city this weekend ( the most affordable theater in NYC I might add - 18 dollars a ticket) and we started making some music together.

What did I do? I know you are dying to ask. For one thing, I stopped all discussions of money unless he initiated it. Temporarily. Just give him some time to get his head together. I did the food shopping so he didn't worry about how much money food was.

I went to my Pilates class. I am planning to do at least one more day per week starting next week. We started clearing and organizing the music room and he made some contacts with his old land lady to get our dining room table out of storage so we can get rid of mine ( its 20 years old and VERY Unstable).

I made a new deal with myself too. That each day I am going to write down 5 things that I am thankful for. Right here. For all of you to see. If I commit to doing this here, I will at least make an effort.

Sounds Oprah-esque doesn't it? Well it is. I got an anniversary mini book in one of the magazines called "What I know for sure". IN it she rights all kinds of neat gems with stories.

This one - called - "Be Thankful" is very ironic as it's November and very timely for Thanksgiving. She talks of her meltdown on the phone with Maya Angelou. And All Maya said to her was "Say Thank you". She was shocked into silence and asked why. Because by being thankful you are accepting the gifts you have and being grateful for the opportunity to receive. Thus making you able to receive even more. And I think we can all agree - Oprah's life has been bountiful and she has been sharing that bounty for years.

So in keeping with that, here are my five things from today:

1. I am thankful today that I have a roof over my head and healthy food to eat
2. I am thankful for all my friends and family.
3. I am thankful that the man that I love is getting better.
4. I am thankful that our country is getting a fresh start. Now let's see what he does with it.
5. I am thankful that I have a job - two - and that I am able to provide for my family.

There won't be any repeats for awhile. I am going to try and keep my word on that.

You know what's kind of funny about this exercise, is that I do something similar with my students. I have noticed that no matter what kind of family I teach in, I have kids with self esteem issues. I don't know what that's about to be honest, but given my own, if I can help a child release that burden I try. So what I do with them at each lesson is I tell them things about them that I like that are not necessarily music related and part of the general conversation. Then at the end of the lesson I make them tell me two things about them that I like that are NON MUSIC related and then two things that they think they could improve on. Then I let them do that to me. It's worked wonders on one kid who has a manipulative and lying streak in her.

Another thing that I do is that when we fight or we have things like this happen that don't really involve me but I am involved in due to proximity, I go to work on something that I am doing FOR HIM. Like his fundraiser that he doesn't yet know about. Like the Christmas party that I arranged to have so many of our friends at so we can be there for his first performance and his birthday. Like his Christmas gifts. All those things. I feel better for doing those things and refocuses my energies of anger elsewhere.

Oprah's show may drive me crazy - I do like her as an actress - but her magazine has some really good stuff in it. I'm not sorry I get that magazine now. It does have some good points.

She's not quite my hero but she does have some wisdom to impart.

Can love prevail?

"Aren't you tired yet? "The devil sitting on one shoulder asked me in the car this afternoon on my way home from food shopping.

"Tired? " Me - the monkey in the middle asked.

"Tired ? " Echoed the angel on the other shoulder.

Sighing, the devil on my shoulder put her hands on her hips and looked disgustedly at me while we are now stopped at a traffic light.

"Yeah, Tired. YOU KNOW. (yawning) TIRED?????"

"Umm. well. I got plenty of sleep last night and haven't done all that much today, so, I'm not sure what you are getting at. " Monkey in the middle replies.

At that moment the angel on the other shoulder, incensed in Stewie -like - fashion a la Family Guy, Looks at the devil and says:

"OF COURSE She isn't TIRED. Now you listen here WOMAN! Stop stirring up TROUBLE! WE ARE FINE!"

"UMmm, 'WE'??? MOnkey inquires.

"YES WE." says Stewie-angel, glaring at devil.

"OK -but by fine, you mean, NOT physically tired - right? Monkey inquires

"Of Course, why what did YOU think I meant?" Devil grins serenely at Monkey and stewie.

"I wasn't really sure because while I am not physically tired, I am feeling rather emotionally and psychologically exhausted at the moment.... but if that's not what you meant then we're all good here. " Monkey says - innocently.

"well - that DOES qualify - don't you think???" Devil suggests looking slyly at Stewie

"NOW YOU JUST STOP THAT INSTANTLY!!! LOOK AT THE TROUBLE YOU ARE CAUSING!!!! Stewie shrieks at the devil - with some stamping of feet,

"Now now - this may not be the time for a temper tantrum, Stewie. I am just trying to help Monkey here decide if she is tired, and why" Devil serenely smiles annoyingly again.

" That is not AT ALL what you are doing and YOU KNOW IT" Stewie raises the voice again.

"Folks, if I may jump in here, since this is all in MY head and MY argument, and it's all about, well, ME - I would like to verbalize this particular inner monologue:

You see - I AM TIRED. No not physically. I go between restless nightmare ridden sleep and too much sleep or drug induced sleep from the sleeping pills ( a rarity to be sure). I don't think sleep is the problem. My exhaustion comes from everything else. The job that I used to love that is claiming me as one of the many who are burnt out. The second job that I love which has started to become problematic as I don't feel like I have anything left to give these kids. I feel empty inside. I live with someone who on the one hand resents me for all that I do and on the other loves me for all the same things that I do.

Is love enough to make it? RIght now we are having problems. I think we can get through it but frankly this is usually the point where I make a break for it. WHen the going gets THIS tough - I'm out. So you see the cut and run option - that's you devil my dear. THe stay and work it out and fight for that love - that's Stewie Angel.

And I don't know which of you will win - yet.

But I want to pin my hopes on love. I just hope it's enough to win this battle.

Depression should kill not maim - people would protect from it and fight it a lot more actively.

Fighting about money

First - Don't do it.

Second - Don't do it while under the influence of anything

Third - Don't do it.

Now that we've gotten THAT ot of the way, allow me to unravel the events that ledup to this argument.

I should warn you - objects may not be as close as they appear in this one. Reading between the lines and using your third eye and ear are really key in this.

I'm not going to belabor this post with each syllabel, just know that this argument started out about our relationship and it's status. However, with no leg to stand on and no options there, I was able, with help, to read between the lines.

I think, for me, what REALLY made me confident on the problem - was the minute he told me that I hold the money that I make versus what he isn't contributing to the household over his head every minute of every day.

So - any one who knows me 5 minutes or more knows that's not only not true, but even if I was so inclined - I wouldn't becuase the reality is ... he CANNOT work. Would we be doing better right now if he was - certainly. But We are doing OK. Not great, but we are doing OK for now.

I should mention in the absence of anything truly incriminating - he manufactured an affair that I was having with a friend of mine. I was incensed on this point as well. I may be a lot of things but one of them is not a Cheater. Just isn't me. Duplicity ? nope. Can't do it. Hell Ican't even keep the secret on surprise gifts. Don't tell me - I can't do it!!!

So I was angry and really really hurt.

I did not realize just how badly he was depressed about this. I had no clue the roots had made their home this deep. HE threatened to move out and I told him if he felt that was the solution than that was OK with me. The consequence to that action however is we are through. I have 9 years invested in this and I am not going backwards.

The next day we kind of stayed out of each others way. He went to his sisters and spent the entire day there.

I went, as it turned out, to brunch with my girlfriends. That turned out to be good and bad. I wasn't really interested in talking about this with anyone since I couldn't process all the things that happened. I mentioned some generics. YOu know - we had a fight and it was pretty bad. And yes it's the second one this week. Yes, he saw his brother twice this week which aggravates his depression anyway. One of my good friends calmly said "Well, it has to be difficult for him. He has cancer, his brother whom he took care of for 5 years is dying and nothing he can do will change that, he has chemo related neuropathy, he still has no teeth, he lives in your home, he doesn't work - other than you - what does he have? " She also mentioned that if her husband was going through all this. he would have killed himself already.

Duh.

In trying to be brief here, I will tell you that this conversation was not all at brunch. Some was on the phone while she was on her way home later in the day.

I went to teach a lesson to my massage therapist. She heard this story with more of the details. She said "I'm sorry you are in the middle of this. He's going through a growth period and he's not handling it well. Most men don't". I asked her to expand on this.

She basically said that the depression he was feeling for not contributing and being sick, and needing me and needing to rely on another human being BEFORE He was truly ready to is making him a little nuts. He had a meltdown and blamed me. She made some good and salient points about how he needs to be around more healthy couples and that he's a social person who's not leaving hte house and spending all day and all night with me

And it's not my fault.

And these two wise women are completely right.

After that, I went home and really thought about things. I took out the Unitarian medallian that I boughthim for his birthday - something that he really wanted and was looking for. I put it in a tiffany box and left it under the remote in hte living room ( knowing he would see it right away LOL). He came home from his sisters.

He walked into the bedroom. I was lying on the bed in dark red satin lounge pants, a silk dark red velvet plaid top and my hair was loose and I was in my glasses reading.

He paused in the doorway, looked at me silently. I looked up and he smiled. He told me about his sister's new home and the game they watched. He went to the living room, came back with the box in his hand and said " I do not deserve this - where did you find it?" We just looked at each other for one long moment. He broke off the look and said that he wanted to take me to a special restaurant one of these days. This is huge by the way, he takes dates there, wives, girlfriends and NO ONE ELSE. And he's picky about who he shares this with. So I am feeling that he's moved past the relationship thing a little bit.

We talked about where I found the medallion. He told me he was going to watch some TV and to go back to sleep.

Monday morning came and things were in a quiet truce. I spoke to my best friend finally and she basically told me how he mentionef this to her and I hit the roof. She decided in that instant that he was crossing and blurring lines of reasonability wiht her and that he was no longer allowed to discuss these things wiht her.

It's now Wednesday night. He spent the day in bed. Sleeping - not feeling so great. He's a bit withdrawn and quiet, but not anything that's overly worrisome yet.

I don't know what this outcome will be. We shall see if we can move past it. He needs to relax a bit and I am just trying to be sensitive to his internal situations.

Fear - revisited

My dear friend's mom passed away 2 weeks ago.

I woke up in the morning, it was a Friday I remember. I had a bunch of silly facebook things from her between 6-8 AM which is when her son is having his breakfast.

Then I saw her status at 9.

" I am devastated. My mom just passed away".

And I fell apart.

I have never met her mom in person though we have spoken on the phone numerous times over the years.

Her mom was diagnosed a few months ago with Cancer of the throat. It had transferred to the brain though that didn't appear malignant.

What they didn't know, was that it also spread to the the lungs. THe Squamesh Cell Carcinoma had spread to her lungs. Ultimately killing her, though the death vertificate reads Cardiac Arrest.

In trying to help my friend sort through this via email I started to realise that I was sobbing. And So happy that Jon was in the next room.

How could I even tell him that her mom passed away from the very cancer that he has? THe one they said was not terminal? I realise that each situation is very specific and individual, but this puts a definite twist on things - don't you think?

He walks in a few minutes later and I was composed and continuing to write my response to her. I told him that i had heard from her and what she was busy doing and the memorial plans and he commented that it would be truly ideal if we had the money to fly down for it, but we don't so that's out. She knew that. She was OK with that and really didn't expect it.

I let it go at that. He had enough trouble her mom passing as it was. I really can't, in good conscience, tell him that she passed due to a freak spread ( really fast too) of this cancer. His mind - he will go straight to "If it spread that quickyl with her, what's to prevent it from happening to me like that". I don't want him living life scared. At all. ever.

This brought a lot into perspective. I have been holding on to him so tightly that he is itching to break free a bit. It's out of fear that something will happen to him again the minute I am out of sight. The price I am paying for this is too high though. It nearly cost me my best friend in the world. I won't do that. I won't sacrifice that relationship for this one - and he isn't asking me too.

This issue has been brought into a really specific relief right now. HE doesn't know all of it, but he knows I am upset about the whole thing. He decided that we were going to a play in the city together. We are going to get a crowd together and pack the place. It's a great idea. I love it.

I am erring on the side of life. THe secret will eat at me for awhile but it has to be mine.

At least for now.

Can I use a lifeline?

That show drove my crazy. To be honest I'm not a Regis fan.

But I was grasping at anything that resembled a life line today.

Sometimes I'm smart about it and othes not so much.

I'm dealing with a problem that I don't know how to fix.

Actually that's not accurate. I KNOW a conversation has to take place, however, being the GOOD study that I am, I really already know how that's going to go.

So I looked at WHY I feel the way I do and had a HELL of a time trying to pinpoint my exact issues.

Then I tried to find another method for solving it. I still don't have one but I did call for lifelines:

1. I first tapped into my inner poet - laugh all you want - it's actually not bad for me. I'm NOT a poet. Some us drink because we aren't poets ( hint: a Dudley moore quote from a movie). THe poem came out pretty good though.

2. I then emailed my priest and asked for a time to go sit and talk to him. We haven't in a while so we're overdue. I could bring beer.... wait it's in the morning.... no beer - wine maybe....

3. I emailed my psychic to ask if it was too soon for another reading - I think it is and this issue is circumstantial but worth asking.

4. I went to the pilates class I planned to go to and felt better after,

5. I read an article from a life coach. She basically gave the ten commandments of marriage and intimacy and I swear if I rememebered where her site was I would tell you her name AND the website.

6. She gave a neat idea on how to re-establish intimacy and that connection between two people - I loved it and tried it and I am already seeing benefits.

7. we had a short discussion this evening - very short - where he actually chastised me for not fighting fair and bringing up the past. I laughed out loud at this. I am the child of a Marriage Encounter couple.... I know ALL ABOUT fighting fair. I just didn't in that moment. Very unusual and he even said so.

THough I feel better and have stopped anything resembling tears, I am keeping my appointment tomorrow morning. Why? Because I do need to talk it out. I have some things to sort out and need some help with that.

I didn't eat today which is never a good sign - I did have dinner because he deliberately waited for me to come home so he could eat with me.

So I'm using my lifelines....

Fate and life choices

As you all know I don't believe in soul mates. I do believe that there can be "perfect" matches but they can change over time.

I am not the same person I was at 21. If I had married the man that I loved in my early 20's I would be miserable, divorced and probably a mother.

I'm lucky enough to still call that man by the title "friend". But husband? uh - thanks - no.

What I discovered in looking back at the men in my life from the very first one to the most recent is that they all had something special in common. Two things actually.

One: They were either musicians OR had a deep love of music.
Two: There was a sensitive side to them.

Growth is possible between two people. If you are lucky, you grow together through love, respect and.... communication.

We had a week of highs and lows. Actually that describes my life with him perfectly. Now, normally, I would tell you that I would choose a man who would give me safety and securtiy. And um. well. Boredom.

I am NEVER bored with Jon. Never.

After a very eventful week, we had a scheduled game night tonight. We love board games and played them while he was in the hospital daily.

Tonight was a scheduled pot luck sit down dinner with 3 couples and then two board games over dessert.

Last night I came home from teaching and he announces that the audition for the play in the city that he was asked to read for was moved up to, that's right, TONIGHT.

5-8.

Dinner was scheduled at 6:30.

He cooked the entree in the morning and got on the train while I was out east getting groomed. He went to his brothers and then to the city. They got him in and out in an hour. We ended up 30 minutes late to dinner - and since we were bringing it and the hostess was running behind it worked out well.

This was a great night. We were on opposite teams. And yet we were still a team. It was quite funny but we were acting like an actual couple - possibly for the first time in front of our friends like that. It was nice and it was odd.

Up till now, while we were a couple, we were still sort of a secret couple.

Slowly but surely that is changing. I got a healthy dose of a lot good stuff today. He bragged about me right in front of our friends which I loved and was surprised by. The whore wasn't mentioned at all in any capactiy. He and I played off each other like the pro's that we are. It was obvious to everyone.

He also told everyone at the table about my different laughs. It was incredibly touching.

I know you are all reading this and scratching your head thinking "What's the big frickin deal? So what"

And if I were you - I know that's what I would be saying.

The fact is - we have been working hard to become a unit - a single unit - not two people in two worlds acting as one once in awhile.

I have a secret to tell you too.

I knew 9 years ago, after his divorce - that he was the only man for me. I love that but I hate it.

I knew that no matter who I dated, he would be the man by which all others would be measured. And while at times that bothers me, most of the time I am content in that knowledge.

So game night was a success in a lot of ways. The boys won Trivial pursuit though we gave them a good run for their money. We won Pictionary. By a hair. But we still won.

The fact is that I know how I feel about him and he knows how he feels about me. I dont' fight it I gave that up a long time ago. He does occasionally still fight it, because he's accustomed to a certain lifestyle and hasn't made 100% peace with the choice that HE wanted to make. He told me the other day that moving in was the best choice he made in a long time.

We are actively working on making this house "OURS". Since we decided in this uncertain economy that moving not a choice for the time being, we are making what we have work better for both of us.

As for his illness, we had a scare this week with some sudden and rapid swelling in the lymph node ( in about 30 minutes ) and we took a trip to the ER and there was nothing they could do because I had him ice it before we left the house and by the time we got there, it was gone. It happened again the next day and we identified it as being related to the hole in his tonsils. Food gets in and voila! Instant swelling.

To add a sad note, a dear friend of mine had her mom pass from the same type of cancer on Friday. While that scared Jon terribly as it did me, our hearts and condolences are with her and her family right now. We love her mom and will miss her terribly. The family is in her thoughts at this time.

To wrap this up, fate is a funny thing. Whether you believe in fate, soul mates or whatever isn't even important. I make my life choices by my gutt a lot of the time. I made the choice about Jon 9 years ago. It just wasn't "our time" yet. I'm not even sure it's our time now. But I think we are a lot closer to that than we ever were.

So whether this is fate or a life choice - or both - I am not sorry.

And I am NOT bored.

Project Managing my household.

OK I'll just say it.

Sometimes the communications skils or lack there of in my home are just annoying. Plain and simple.

For both of us. I'm NO prize.

So Friday - after de-gluing his ass from the couch - he went and worked out at my Best Friends' house.

When he came home he took both my hands in his and said "Jenna is really worried about the condition of our home. She kindly offered to help us clean up and organize"

My head internally combusted.

Why is this conversation taking place with my best friend and not with me?

I do some emails with her and a phone conversation and come to discover that he was using her as an intermediary to approach the topic.

That actually angers me more.

The fact is I have been doing literally everything in the house for, well, ever. He has been sitting on the couch playing with Yahoo Answers for 3 weeks licking his wounds. And I don't even know what the wounds were at the time....

Well I now know what the wounds are and this is legit. However. I'm not yet over the whole bringing my best friend into this.

So I bite the bullet and tell him that Jenna can't help us til January and I don't want to wait that long so lets come up with a plan.

He looked at me, blinked and admitted that he has a lot of worries. I told him that financial worries, while substantial and not to be ignored, can be dealt with as long as you have a plan. He's notorious for no plan, so this is huge.

First thing I did was take the first financial priority and address it. We needed to fill out some forms to do a change of address on his reg and DL. That way we can get him a parking permit for the building and stop the bleeding. Next we have to take care of the parking tickets ( we have the meter maid from hell here and the abolutely MOST ridiculous parking rules).

Then I told him we need to start by getting his dining table out of storage and I will buy the chairs we want.

As for organizing - I gave him his choice. He opted for the kitchen and we arranged to start on Sunday.

That done - we happily skipped through the weekend. Did I mention that my brother's wife gave birth to a baby boy? First kid for this sibling. Additionally, his first name is the same as the whore's youngest - not my fav. The middle name is after my brother and my dad. Which is lovely. He looks like my brother. I got to hold him - he's so tiny. So good.

We get to Sunday. He goes to services, I go to teach. I come home and immediately set about the emptying of the cabinets. 2 hours later - he strolls through the door with his guitar in his hand, all happy, and says - Oh I was kind of planning to blow this off today and I thought you were too.....

WRONG.

If you do something so ridiculous as to bring a third person into the equation - don't you EVER think I'm going to "blow it off." For that matter, if you go so far as to make a plan with me - you had better pony up because this is, by the way, WHAT I DO FOR A FREAKING LIVING.

He is downright shocked.

So he gets to work.

THe entire time that we are working, I am getting frustrated. Why? Because he is setting up the kitchen to suit HIM. I am not factored into the equation.

For reference, so you understand, I am 5' 2" tall and he is 6'. So I will concede on some things but not on everything. Don't tell me, for example, that we are going to put the toaster oven that we use EVERY SINGLE day on the top of the cabinets and just take it down and put it back.

That's stupid.

We use it - EVERY DAY. that should be lower to the ground.

I am willing to utilize the space differently and hell I will make all of it seem like his idea, but can't you at least try and make a couple of concessions for the fact that I cook and bake too and that I'm SHORT????

He finally stopped, looked at me and said - "You haven't eaten today have you?" Negatory good buddy!

So we took an extended break, ate, and then I took a bath and detoxed a bit and finally put the items on the counter away temporarily.

He will take it from here.


We discussed paint choices for the house, we discussed how to get the furniture and when. We talked about the fact that in this economy, buying a new home is not really optional right now. We'll see what happens. but I'm not planning it right now.

We are communicating better. I think we are both working a bit harder at this.

Man - marriage - real or common law - is hard damn work.

worth it in the end though.

playing hooky

I have never actually played hooky in my life.

I have never once called in sick and gone to the beach.

I have never skipped a class without a good reason ( coffee and euchre anyone?)

Today, I woke up at 6 with a raging headache, bodyaches and scratchy throat the urge to sleep like the dead. So I called in sick.

Jon woke me at 11. We both looked freaked - him because he had fallen asleep on the couch and forgot to wake me and me because I didn't wake him then to tell him I was calling in.

Surprise Surprise.

I was impressed to find that I was feeling completely better - I took 2 aleve just to make sure that these faded away and went back to bed for an hour.

When I emerged, Jon suggested that I go to the beach. What a great idea. It didn't happen - but it was a great idea.

I ended up going to my best friend's home and having lunch with her. We played air hockey on the new table they got for the boys.

I had a lovely time and we got to talking about some things happening in my home lately - good things. Like the discussion of how marriage takes hard work that the three of us had and him using Us as the example. THe other thing is his issues with his mom that persist from our eventful spell in the hospital.

This one is kind of hard for me. Once I discovered that she was not my number one fan, I have realized that I am not so quick to defend her. What really cinched it for me is that he has a warped sense of reality and hers - is worse.

For some reason she labors under the illusion that she rushed to his bedside and was there constantly.

OK here's the reality check - because I was there - every day and every time that I was allowed to be.

She did rush to him though she was hour and half away - so it took 2 more hours to get back once I called. It wouldn't have mattered anyway had she gotten there sooner - we would have been standing in the hallway together waiting for him to be moved. She was there that day,and once a day for the 2 days he was in ICU and once while he was in CCU. That's 3 times by my count.

Once he was in a regular room, she came the day after his suicide commentary, and one other time before he was moved in the psych unit. That's 5 so far - stay with me.

They moved into the psych unit. I saw him there 2 times and hten they moved him again. She hadn't gotten there yet.

In the all male psych unit they moved him to, she was there one time. And that was it until he came home.

6 times in 20 days.

I don't expect her to be there every minute of every day that he was there as I was. I kept her in the loop for every single thing that went on and she did the same with me.

He is angry at her for very specific and personal reasons. He's been harboring it for quite sometime. I have long since dropped it as a topic because he isn't prepared to deal with her.

So I was in some state of surprise when he mentioned to me that he was still angry about the lack of concern and lack of response she displayed at the hospital - "I got a social worker not a mom" is how he puts it. (She's a social worker so it's not a stretch).

I told him that mom's love their children - all of them - but sometimes they just aren't capable of doing the things that YOU need them to do, sometimes though they may love you to the best of their ability, it may not be enough but it is all that they are capable of. She is only human. She did the best she could.

The fact is, she did try and social work him, She took his personal choices for his care out of the equation. She put his brother first even at the lowest point. When he came out of the sedative and was talking depression and suicide, the only person he wanted was his mom. Not me, not anyone - just her. I called and called and called - and she didn't come till the next day. She didn't feel that her presence would do anything for him.

I disagreed then and I disagree now. I did everything I could for him, and don't get me wrong, he is very thankful and happy that I was there and took care of him. I am not offended at all that he wanted his mom instead of me - I don't blame him one bit.

This has weighed on us for 2 months now. He's starting to talk about both with me - calmly and with her - not so much. She has resorted to threats which concerns me. He is not talking to her on the phone right now and he's not responding to her emails.

So I brought this tot he kitchen table because my best friend understands this kind of strife as she has some similar things happening in her own family.

It felt good to talk it out like that and it gave me energy to write it here.

The rest of the day I spent food shopping, cooking and cleaning - and it felt good. I made a bacon mushroom savory pie for dinner - he ate half of it. We had Pinot Noir and chocolate ice cream for dessert.

We are planning some fun things to do now. We are also scheduling his surgery soon.

Playing half a day of hooky was really worth while. I should have done this sooner. It's like a surprise gift.

I would not make this a habit - but boy it felt good today.

Bonus: another half lb down. :-)))))