Clearing space

Jon and I spent the day clearing space.

He cleared his brothers space - bringing home a lot of stuff for our home. I cleared our actual space - with the intent to clear out more than was being added.

For my part, I boiled the stove. This stove has probably never been THIS clean since it was new. Of course I exaggerate - but I managed to break the electric pilot light mechanism at the same time. Mercifully Jon was able to fix that - and we have no idea what was wrong,

I also took the time to actually clean up the bedroom. This room is crazy, for it seems to be the catchall for all our crap.

He came home wearing a Ramones shirt that his brother is on, and his brothers boots - suitably distressed. He looked so much like his brother I didn't know what to say.

We talked about clearing his space and my clearing of ours. It had been quite productive for both - for now we can attack - once and for all - the office/music room area. Once that is set up then we can start working properly.

The other thing that is neat about clearing space is about clearing the air. We are trying to clear the air about us and about his brother. He accused me of harboring and I said I wasn't - he just keeps interrupting me while I'm talking about it!!!! This, of course, made us both giggle a little - because it's true....

Clearing space is a very fulfilling activity. I highly recommend it.

Last wishes, thankful things

Alex is dying.


He has had ALS ( Lou Gehrigs' disease) since 2001.


He is officially a morphine addict though at the end stage of ALS, they don't call it that. But- it is in fact what is technically happening.


I think about this every day. There is so little we can do every day. We make him comfortable. We take money and supplies to him and his health care workers. We have moved him into the main living area of his house and he is in a hospital bed at long last.


He needs to go to the hospital soon to have his feeding tube changed. For those of you who remember, that feeding tube is a crucial moment in my relationship with Jon.


Jon has been going in once a week to make sure that everything is going the way it should. He spends time with Alex which to me is the most important thing.


We watched Love Actually last night with Nessa and Bill. They hadn't seen it and it's a beautiful movie. However Jon cries almost every time at the Laura Linney story line. She is the caretaker for her brother and cannot see that she has sacrificed her life and happiness for the well being of her brother. It was seeing this with me a year ago that got Jon motivated to move out of full time care of his brother.


So last night, in the midst of a routine practical discussion about Alex and his care and needs for the change of feeding tube, he started to cry. He said "My brother is dying".

I just held his hand. There is nothing we can do to stop, slow down or reverse this. This is a death sentence for him. It's horrible and it sucks and I am sad to say, it is what it is at this point.


Please understand - I am compassionate to Alex. He's made mistakes - he's human - but he shouldn't pay for that with his life. I think he now is starting to realize just how much he took and how little he gave back. It makes me sad for him. But the cards are dealt now and there's nothing to do at this point but focus on the good things that are left.

Jon finally said to me what has been plaguing him for a year. He wanted it made clear - that if this cancer turns around and suddenly becomes terminal, I am not to let him suffer out like this. He wants to go and quickly. Please turn up the morphine drip, set up his headphones and IPOD and just hold his hand till he sleeps and is gone.


I gently laughed and said that I know, I'm familiar with your work.... He told me I actually wasn't because he was incapable of completing that task on his own when he was in the hospital in July.


"That wasn't your decision, I shut that down. I brought in the nurse who brought in the psychs. Do you understand why?" I asked


"Well no actually.... why did you?" he said


"Because you were CAPABLE of a full medical recovery. You were getting better. There was 95% chance of recovery. And I wasn't letting you go without a fight. HOWEVER. If you are terminal and there is no hope and this is what you want, as long as I am here to fight for you, and I have decision making capabilities, you will have what you want. " I said.


"Thank you - that's all I ask. I do not want to linger on and be a place holder in life - just let me go" He said.


You know what was interesting. I never thought this was something I could do. I have always believed that we are more humane to our animals than we are to our people. You wouldn't let your terminally ill dog or cat live a poor quality of life, correct? Why? because it's selfish and only serving YOUR purposes. So why would we do something like that to a person?


It will be possibly the most hideous and difficult decision and action to take, but I won't hold him on this earth if he is terminal and wants to go. I would ensure that there is no possibility of recovery but if lingering and being a burden is too much for him - than I feel that I could honor his wishes and not put him on life support.

Today we went to the city to see a play. I met him in the city because he is going to see Alex to drop off some things, fix the DVD player and move some things around.

The play was lovely and it was nice to walk through the city. We took the subway to Queens where he left his car when he went to see Alex. As we were driving home,he started to talk about Alex and his visit. Evidently he was more lucid today than most days. He made Alex laugh at something that I said regarding the Wizard of Oz the night before ( and no mean feat either - I'm not funny - ASK ANYONE!) but I gathered form our conversation in the car that the overall tone of the visit was not wonderful and full of warm familial feelings.

As Jon read me chapter and verse in a very calm way about some of the things that had gone on between them as adults in healthier times, I finally stopped him and told him about editing. Edit out the crap and focus on the good times. Because Alex won't be with us much longer and it doesn't pay to focus on the bad stuff, I felt it was necessary to try and turn the negatives here into something at the base that was Neutral if not positive.

We continued the conversation and by the time we got home I realized that he was in a better place for having talked it out. He just needed to say that bad stuff out loud. Get it off his chest so he could now focus on the good.

We are not anywhere near the end of this road but I can see it from here. It's only going to degrade as time goes on.

So having said all this - here's my 5 thankfuls for today:

1. I am thankful that my audition went well. My audition tonight was fairly good and I feel sorry for my poor director who has 3 qualified sopranos who were well prepped to do this piece. It's not a matter of who did the best audition now - it's a matter of what sound does he want.
2. I am thankful that things in my relationship are going better. I think we are both working harder and it shows in both of us. We are still having some minor issues but this too shall pass.
3. I am thankful that Alex has pain management at this stage of his life. I am heartbroken that we are at this point, and I am bonding with him through Jon in ways that never happened in healthier times. Alex and I share a love for "Family Guy" and though he cannot communicate with me other than email, we have forged a small bond over little things like that, the Wizard of Oz, some darkish humor, and music.
4. I am thankful for the lovely day,albeit cold, that enabled us to do some walking in NYC.
5. I am thankful for the lovely dinner and rehearsal we had tonight. Some big things happened here. We stopped at the store to pick up a few things for supper at his suggestion. When we got home, he made the most amazing Caesar salad and we had homemade Chicken soup. We went to our rehearsal where he bought us raffle tickets on his own. I was utterly surprised when he said that too. The rehearsal was lovely - we had a wonderful time - I had my audition then we came home.
   

The parental units

Someday I want to read the mom handbook.



You know - the one that doesn't necesarilly TEACH you about how to raise your kids, but the one that all parents use expressions and end with the tag "Well, that's what it say in the parenting handbook"



Or how they behave for reasons that are eons old. Handed down generation after generation since Adam and Eve had THEIR kids - Cain and Able.



I can actually sort of see how that one went to be honest. Two boys? - you know the younger was the favorite. You also must know that in addition to that, the grief those boys gave their folks about being kicked of Eden must have been hell....



Which explains the need for parents to want better lives for their kids. A worthy goal to be sure.



The prodigal son story also truly explains the favorites bit. It's fairly self explanatory.



Having said all this.... Last night My best friend's mom and sister came to his gig. On his break. at 10:30.



I am thrilled that they are there for his sake. Not entirely comfortable for my own - but lets leave that out of it.... for now.



Mom makes a beeline for me and directly asks me how the living situation came to pass. I neatly deflect it and ask about brother. Phew..... Sis is taking up best friends time.... good all around. I compliment mom's parenting by telling her that he's wonderful around the house and clearly he's a good boy and was raised right.... I think I am in good for awhile.



He takes his mom into the now empty dining room. Leaving sis with me. She only has two switches - on and off. Lucky me - tonight is on. We have a great time. We have a drink and catch up.



They come back and he goes back on, they get up to leave.



She never heard him play a NOTE!



I'm offended on his behalf when he says "You're leaving? I haven't played a note since you got here!"



Sis responds "good guilt ! excellent" and they return to the bar. He plays three good songs then they pack it in and leave.



This morning - the phone rings. My phone.



It's his mom. How did she get this number? I think. Then mental headslap, she has had it for years. The benefit and his birthday.....



First, I put her on hold. Second I wake him up, third, he swears.



The next thing to happen is pacing, changing of clothes and the rushing to get out there, and my fielding calls. the onyl discussion we get to have between us is "She didn't hear a word I said last night".



That's not a good thing. He told her some very important things last night. Including his own health issues.



Parents are funny creatures. I have been taking her task on some of her behaviours where her other son is concerned ( my best friend ) and asking him to go easier on her because she is losing a child. I can't even imagine what this must be like for her. But I do know what this is like for him. He can't watch his brother perish anymore. It takes so much out of him and is borderline debilitating at times, most of which are coming more and more frequently. If he hadn't put in his time already for the past 5 years, I would say that he had to be a little more flexible with this - but he's been carrying the bulk of the load for so long and his shoulders are only so wide. It was time for him to hand the cross over to someone else for his own sake.



He came home in immense pain - physically, emotionally and spiritually. We talked for awhile and I put him to bed.



Till the phone started ringing.



Parents are funny creatures. ONce you become a parent, you are agreeing to love and raise this baby into a responsible human being. Teaching right from wrong, teaching the values that are important to you and passing family histories and generally helping to mold a responsible adult while giving some freedom to make choices and mistakes along the way.

This is a tough gig. You are signing on for a lot and there's no guarantees. And no REAL handbook.

I am not a parent and am not at all sure that I would a good one. My respect for parents in general is huge. It's the hardest job in my book and the lowest paid but I suspect more rewarding in many ways than the traditional 9-5. YOu are after all your own boss with joint ownership in most cases.


Your priorities completely change when you are a parent too. Once changed though, based on my parents and my friends parents, I suspect that they don't exactly alter as the child grows up though. Seeing your child as an adult who can, in fact, manage their own lives because of ( or in spite of at times) the parenting job you did would be difficult. The tendancy to want to jump in and prevent or fix still exists. My mom does this all the time and while frustrating - it's still a sing of love and protection.



I'm dealing wtih parents that aren't mine and seeing world I am not accustomed too, though I knew about it going in ( the fine print on the bill of sale), it wasn't live-in-person till the past month. I am finding it treacherous at times BUT I am finding that I am handling it better than I thought and I am grateful to my own family right now for just bearing with the fact that I am more incommunicado than is normal due to this overwhelming change.


No doubt about it - parenting is a tough gig. God bless all of you who are parents and all of us who have our parents - while they may not be perfect, they are ours. The good things about all of us came from them. The responsible adults that we have all turned into? them.



Their only fault ?



Being human.



That's the commonality between parents and their children.



We are all human.



It's because of this that we err.



It's also because of this that we perform miraculous feats.

Armchair Psychology: Transference

In my family, we have but one crown prince.

If you count ALL the kids he's literally the middle child of 5.... which is odd by any psychology standards.

But if you look closer, you will note that the two children that are born of one mother, the crown prince is the only boy AND the youngest.

I'm no longer resentful and the reason is that this transcends time. All mothers are like this with their sons. It's ridiculous but it is what it is.

I was my dad's princess so it balances out actually.

But at times for both my brother and I, it was tough to take from the other parent.

My best friend has an interesting dynamic in his family as well. His mother gave birth to 4 kids: 2girls and 2boys. My best friend is the oldest boy and his brother is the youngest child AND boy.

And he's dying as you all know.

Their mom has traditionally made his brother the favorite - he's their crown prince. She did everything for him. She went to all his performances, she took care of him in every possible way that she could.

According to my best friend, she has done substantially less for him. I suspect that the truth lies somewhere in between.

The past 6 weeks have been difficult for the two of us and his mom. She is not "wild" about the change of status here. He's not wild that she's turning all the love and affection onto him and I frankly don't know what the hell to do.

She sent me an email on Thursday night asking me to have him call her as she is having trouble reaching him. By the time I saw the email, he had spoken to her twice. I responded anyway politely and positively confirming that i would relay the message. I don't want this getting off on the wrong foot.

Tonight he's playing at a very Shee Shee restaurant on the North shore. She requested reservations 2 weeks ago in order to come hear him. I deliberately chose not to go to give her time and space to enjoy her oldest son's performance with minimal stress.

He just called one his break. They didn't show up.

I know he's disappointed or he would not have called.

It's interesting. On the one hand, he doesn't want the showering of love and affection and motherly concern, but on the other he feels it's his right that he get some of the benefit that his brother has gotten all these years. I knew he was expecting this to happen even at the point where he walked out the door tonight, but to hear his voice, trying to be matter of fact and still cut her break ( she has been in the city most of the week with the brother),on the phone tonight really made me sad. He is so good and so talented and a great showman. I know she is proud of him. I know she loves to hear him perform and I know that in her mind she treats her boys equally, but somehow in mine, given my experience on the subject, I know she's not.

And though he says it doesn't really bother him, now that the option is out there, even by default, it hurts him a little.

What I think is really getting to me about this is the fact that she also sent him an email about how he has been less than helpful where his brother is concerned this week. She should only know what he was like when he returned from the hospital after visiting. It was not good. He just can't do it anymore. It's slowing tearing him up to see his brother this way. And there is nothing anyone can do. The guilt card here is not a good choice.

Which brings out the mean mama bear in me. I get ridiculously defensive about the people that I love and very outspoken.

This is the post that has no end because this is just the beginning.....

MOthers and sons

Parents generally like me.


Not to blow my own horn or anything but whats not to like?


So you can imagine my surprise to find out that my best friend's mother doesn't really like me all that much.


I was at first really hurt, because I thought she and I had a really good relationship. We have affection for one another, I have done really nice things for her kids... her youngest specifically as he's the one who's dying.


The first time he brought it up was 2 weeks ago. I was so stunned I didn't know how to react.


So it was brought up again Monday night. I decided to go for further clarification.

I don't think I mentioned that she is a Psychologist. Her only complaint to him - "Be careful there, she's crazy about you"

It's a mother - son thing. We have this in my family and I can't tell you how many times I run into this.....

No woman is good enough.


But other than that - she likes me.


He stood up for me thouh. He told her that he and I know who we are, and what we want. He said some harsh things to her regarding this as well. I asked him to go lighter on her, she's losing a son to a horrible illness - the perceived favorite no less - and he's going to be all she has left on the other side.

However, he doesn't want the attention from her as the only choice available and certainly doesn't want it at all anymore. He also told me that it was predetermined by the family when his brother got sick that he would be the caretaker - without consulting him first. How lucky they are that he is the person he is and did it with little to no complaint until July. That's 5 years of his life he can't get back and more importantly, now we are re-building both him and our life.

It gave me an insight to her that I didn't have before. Basically she really liked me until she realized how close and how important he and I have become to one another. Then it wasn't OK.

I should also admit that, my dad said that while he loved my best friend as if he were a son, He didn't like my best friend as a son-in-law. The difference is, he said that ( or so I have heard that he did) 7 years ago and my best friend was just out of a divorce at the time. My dad is now deceased as well so it's not like he can recant. You know what, recently, I have had a one way conversation with my dad in which I told him the same thing my best friend said to his mom. This is my choice, I know who I am now, and I know who he is. If you love me, you will support it.

I don't think I know a single person who hasn't encountered some form of this with the new family on some level.

Families are wonderful. They are also troubling and funny all at once. We are still getting to know the other one's respective familes.

It's a work in progress.

I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)

Christmas

I had really wanted to write a heartfelt uplifting Holiday message for my readers.

I just can't do it this year, folks.

2007 has been a wonderful and amazing year for me. At the exact same time, it has been one of my worst since the death of my dad in 2003. And unfortunately, the majority of the negative and bad things have happened in the past 5 weeks.

Still trying to make the best of the bad, I am at least posting SOMETHING and I am going to tell you a little holiday laugh for you.

I have a niece who turned one year old 2 days ago. She is the light of my life and I am the light of hers.

I arrived at my mothers yesterday having cried the entire car-ride there. I was on the phone with Mrs Jax and I wasn't going inside until I was off the phone because it wasn't that kind of conversation. It was cold, but not horrible.

My youngest brother ( the father of my niece) came out while I was on the phone and took all my packages.

A few minutes later my step dad came out and lit his pipe and went back inside.

My mom came out to find out what I was doing.

then I hear banging.

I turnaround and there is my banana ( her nickname because it rhymes with her name) standing at the glass front door, laughing and smiling at me and banging on the door to get my attention.

Thank God for little kids. She took my heart out of the blues for a few hours and kept me busy. I got 2 hours of peace. If you call chasing a 1 year old peaceful!

She looks EXACTLY like my brother. Then my sister and her family arrived.

My nephew now has his dads coloring - but he looks exactly like my sister. And she looks exactly like me. People are actually astounded by that - when you consider that we came from completely different gene pools.

So I had two munchkins to keep me occupied. They both loved their toys ( my brother who does not YET have kids, went to the store and bought the noisiest toys that were in the age range - he's going to be a dead man when they have theirs!)

When I left I checked my answering machine. THe call I wanted and needed to hear had come in while I was at my moms. The relief was almost overwhelming.

I went on to deal with the rest of the day in a far more peaceful mood.

So with that I wish you all Peace and Joy today!

Taking care of long term business

I have to make a will.

I don't want to, but I'm at that age. I actually own property, so that also makes it necessary.

I also have life insurance and stuff, making this necessary.

Sometime ago, I made my brother and his wife the beneficiary and contingents at 100%.

After a lot of thought and a lot of soul searching, I modified it this evening and added a second benificiary.

I made the split 75% to my brother and 25% to the secondary beneficiary.

It's the right thing to do, even if its going to cause some controversy in my family. I don't care. It's what I want. I need to do this. I will be more at peace right knowing this is taken care of.

I asked Mrs. Jackson if she would take my cats in the event that something untimely happens to me. I asked that she raise them the way that I would.

She agreed, which I was counting on.

All that is left is the matter of my home, car and piano. The rest is incidental.

I am tidying up the interior and getting rid of extraneous things as well as giving away things I don't need or use. I live well, but I don't take care of things the way that I should.

Deciding how to handle the house is tough. What I want to do with it, is, leave it to one of the life insurance beneficiaries so they will always have a place to live. I don't know how that will fly or work, but I am expecting and anticipating that being the way this is going to go.

Oh and I know what my attorney will say. Again - don't care. He will advise me properly and I will listen and hear what he says, then I will do it my way.

It's an act of love, making sure that the people you love most in the world are taken care of after you depart.

I plan to have my funeral wishes written down and included in the will as well. For those of you that know me and will most likely outlive me, please, I trust you will see to it that they are followed.

Morbid... maybe.

But none-the-less.... an act of love.

If the second beneficiary is reading this.... I love you.

Better but still weepy

I am in a general malaise.

If I'm honest with myself, it's the absence of my best friend for 10 days but who's counting?

Be that as it may. I am sad about Ella's mom. She was a dynamic performer, she was a forthright person - a little bit domineering but we'll call that the mother gene. That and she's British.

Grateful she's not in pain, but sad that she's gone. Something she always said to me came to mind today. She was raised Catholic during WWII. She didn't attend the catholic church - or any church after she moved to this country in 1970. When I asked her about that she told me that she couldn't believe in a God that would allow such a horrible war to go on and ravage her home, her family and her country.

She didn't really give up though. I know she didn't. She's at peace now. And no longer in pain and that's the main thing.

Last night while writing my post, I was seriously at the point of canceling all appts, rehearsals, lessons, pretty much everything are about, on a permanent level.

I just wanted out of my current existence. I'm tired. Bone tired. of everything.

I can't blame my best friend for this either.

It's my job. I am at the point where I hate going to work each day. I hate no matter what I do, it's not right. Or it is right, and I need to be criticized anyway just because.

I hate having my marching orders handed to me at 8:30 AM every day. Evidently I am too stupid to know what is a priority or not.

I am sticking it out as best as I can. But at some point I will need to make a decision. To stay or to go. I think we can all agree that I am not good at that kind of decision.

Additionally I am now at a point that I am seriously considering whether or not I ever want to get married. I am fairly sure that I do. In fact I am positive that I do. But divorce scares me. Being a child of divorce, with very few scars really, the idea of marriage and the work it entails is attractive, but scary. And I am dealing with friends who are on their first and second divorces and re-marriages. That's scary too. Honestly, I am starting to understand some of their reasons better. But divorce in any capacity just makes me cry. Every time, no matter whose it is. Because I see it as the end of a bad fairy tale.

Oh come on, I don't view marriage as a fairy tale. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

Seriously though. In a way, the end of a marriage I feel like it's the end of a life in a sense. and it is, It's the end of your life with that person. Now if they were abusive to you or your children in any way, divorce is the kindest thing that can happen. But just generally, it's so sad that my family and friends go through this that I grieve for them and the life together that they had.

So surely you can understand my fear of marriage is based on my experience with divorce. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best in Rumor has it.

"If the marriage implodes, divorce. You haven't lived fully till you've experienced one of those".

So that saddens me. I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and who I want to marry. I have no time table either.

I am feeling a little bit better about Friday night. I have a good accompanist and so I am really happy that it will go well.

So what am I doing to combat this you may be asking yourself.

Well in the area of my best friend, I'm waiting it out. We'll discuss the absence/communication issues when I see him and I will then explain to him why I am afraid the relationship will change and how communicating helps me keep that on par. But I'm not saying anything till we are in person.

In the area of my friends mom, I am going to the funeral on Wednesday. I need to pay my respects and say goodbye. I will go to the wake on Tuesday night as well so I can see my God-daughter.

In the area of my job, I'm just waiting it out for now. I don't know how long I can stand it but I'm going to try.

As far as the divorce/marriage thing: I just need to get my head out of my ass, be supportive to those who need it and not assume the cloak of responsibility for it.

I'm really not depressed, just sad becacuse things are backing up at one time. I'll be fine, I appreciate the concern and caring.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

The master juggler

You know those Meme's that fly around the internet? They invariably ask the most idiotic question I have heard.

"Can you Juggle"

and honestly the only people who ever answer in the positive are people I generally work with.

The answer is "that is my entire job".

Because in our chosen career, multi-tasking is the only to stay equal with the curve. If fortunae smiles on you and you actually get ahead of the curve, you won't be there long so don't get comfortable. I had a boss who used say, if you are ahead of the curve and things are slow, use that time to tighten up the process, not loosen.

And I have managed my life and career that way.

As a single person, managing a career, being a homeowner, pet owner, friend, family member, car owner, lover, it's a tough juggle. You have to manage all of these things and still find time for yourself.

This same boss was once going through a divorce after 16 years of marriage and two kids. After that was over and she started dating again, a man she was dating said to her "I can only hope that I can be considered for the fourth or fifth slot in you priority list." When she asked how he arrived at that position, he told her "You are your own first priority. Your children are your second. Your family is your third and your career is your fourth. "

That was 8 years ago. She is no longer seeing that man which makes me sad as we liked him for her a lot. But his points stuck with me. They are really important. I have always tried to live my life that way too.

Given my life events of late in my romantic life and my career, I see a shift in my priorities and my family and friends have noticed the slow Darwinian shuffle starting to change around me.

My life prior to April went like this:

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Career
4. The Contessa

My life now looks more like this

1. The Contessa
2. Her Best Friend
3. Her Career
4. Her Family
5. Her Friends

But that is not consistent day to day. I am not good at adding that fifth element and juggling the whole stack well. And Honestly I am a true master juggler. I can run a conf call on topic A, while writing up orders for Client B, updating Spreadsheets for Client A and carrying on several IM conversations. At the same time.

So why can't I juggle all of this? Why do I feel like I am failing miserably at some class like Math? I am really trying to find time to include everything and something rise to the top when necessary and some things float back to the bottom. And yes, I know that is normal. But I can't seem to get into a routine and rhythm. The last thing I want to be is the girl who dumps her friends now that she's involved. Regardless of what the relationship is or how important it is, it's still a priority when that call comes in.

I have a crazy week ahead of me. I have not slept well in a week. My blood pressure is riding a bit high for the stress that's in my life today.

I need to get to Friday. Once I'm there, I'll breathe a sigh of relief. the juggling will have stopped.

At least temporarily.

When I was just a little girl

When I was a little girl I would have been described as a "girly girl". I played with dolls, I played "house", yes I played "doctor" but not the lewd adult version everyone jokes about, I had a dollhouse that my dad made for me and my mom decorated ( that I still have at my brothers house). I loved frills and lace and hate anything practical.

I always planned to be "the mommy". I always expected to have a husband and a home and children and a dog. I expected to live in the exact same house that my parents had when I was small.

Somewhere after my parents divorce this plan of mine went away. Not even astray - just gone. I didn't care if I ever got married and I certainly didn't want children.

At 8 years old, on some level, security in relationships or lack thereof, was brought into a very specific relief. I had never seen my mom cry before, I helped pack my dad up to move and it never occured to me that this wasn't supposed to happen.

At this same early age, I learned that relationships are not only hard, but tenous at best. There is no home secure enough, no relationship strong enough on its own, to last without hard work from ALL parties. That means everyone who is involved. When one person shuts down, and stops contributing or working or even trying, it all comes crumbling down. Sometimes it can be rebuilt and sometimes it can't.

As children, we tend to be dreamers. I always dreamed of being in love. As a baby and little girl, I was raised listening to the Carpenters ( gag) and Barry Manilow (Yeesh). As I got older and hit my teenage years, I listened to love songs. All of them, the happy ballads, the sad breakup tunes. I loved the all. I will admit to listening to Air Supply at one point and liking it. Can't stand them now, but know all the words.

What makes this important is that music and love have always been a part of my soul. They aren't and cannot be mutually exclusive for me. I listen to these songs and envision what they would, do or can mean in my life. I never really forget the songs and they come to my brain at strange times depending on how things are going.

In my heart of hearts, I always knew that love for me would be a huge challenge for me. That there was no way that my life was meant to meet someone, date, fall in love, get in engaged, get married, have kids, get the house, live thereafter till death us do part. I was, and am, convinced that the relationship that goes the distance was going to be frought with trials in the beginning.

I believed then as I do now two things about this. That good things come to those who wait and nothing worthwhile is easily attained. I am not in my 20's. And that is a good thing. If I had married in my 20's I can assure you I would be divorced by now.

The funny thing is, though I learned some definite negative behaviours as a child, I also learned some excellent ones also. I learned that marrying your best friend or having your spouse become your best friend is one of the ways to go, if you can make that work. That finding your prince charming does happen, even if you have to go through trial by fire to be with him. And as long as you are doing the right things by your self, then that trial by fire is the right thing. Honesty is truly the best policy and any relationship not based on that, is doomed to fail at some point.

All this history came to me this evening. I was looking at pictures of my childhood. All those happy and smiling faces. mostly mine. And thinking about the fact that in these pictures I am under the age of 8. And when I was 6, my dad changed jobs. He moved from "town I grew up in" to "town I currently live in" as director of music. This job change really shook up our lives. My parents divorced, my dad moved out, our house went up for sale.... and I met my best friend. Who was 18 at the time.

It sounds creepy right? It's only 12 years and doesn't matter today and who knew back then that we would be here?

But it gets better.

A close family friend of mine went to "Upstate State University" and is a year older than I am. He met his wife there. Her dearest friend turned out to be none other than.... my best friend's ex wife.

But it gets better than that. The close family friend is a close family friend because he is the step son of my dad's best friend, Kurt. Kurt, was changing jobs when I was 6. THis is how my dad got the job. Kurt left to go to "eastern school" and my dad took his job. But before that, Kurt was my best friends teacher.

Crazy right? I know.

Once I put it together in my mind, I knew I had to write it out here. Otherwise I might never remember it.

The whole bit with the love songs.... He's a musician and composer and that's his personal outlet. Ironic isn't it?

I look at my life now as product of many things. For one, I am at the point where I really cannot define what this relationship is. And I don't care. I am actually fine with no label. For now.

I have never been one to really come clean to those who count with what's in my heart for fear of rejection. Because my dad was rejected by my mom. I don't blame her - or him. That was a good decision in retrospect. But as a child that's how it looked to me. And I was the mature one. I can't tell you what it did to the younger kids.

So the fact that I verbalize my feelings to my closest friends, my best friend and this blog is a very big step for me. I was always embarassed to say these things for fear of being too "emo". I hate that term, because to me, it embodies a disparaging concept. As if it's not cool to have those kinds of feelings. I am feeling very free inside. Things aren't bottled up inside as much. Most importantly, I am able to convey my feelings to the people in my life who count without fear of retribution or even rejection.

I believe that some of my weight issues stem from this. I bottle things up and then used food as the outlet and comfort. It was easy to abuse food. Since I started communcating I am finding the weight loss easier. I almost don't eeven think about it as much as I used to,. I just eat when I am hungry, make sure I drink my water, my vitamins and get my fruits and veggies in and that's that. I don't worry about it as much. And the weight just comes off.

Even with having my best friend somewhat reject me, and then my attempt at rejecting him and then us fighting to be together in some fashion, we are communicating to each other and verbalizing the things that need to be verbalized. Honesty plays a huge roll in it as well.

I credit this blog, the people who read it and those who I read, for helping me to realize many of the things about myself that had been sitting there unaddressed, some which contribute to my weight issue since I have used food to compensate for years, and most importantly, to communicate my feelings better and making sure that the people I love, know it.

Some words of wisdom

By now you all should be fairly well versed in how things have been going in the house of the contessa.

I want to thank Lisa and by extension, Melodie for the quote below.

"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it is not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect"

It's a very profound commentary. But it does tie into the quote "Nothing worthwhile is easily attained." Thus, when one is working towards a goal and encounter people and situations that cause despair, disrespect and depression one should definitely work to remove them, but at the same time, one has to know that there is a possibility that this is part of the work one has to do to attain the goal you are working towards.

What I love most about Melodie's quote and it's the thing I carry with me in my heart, is this part right here:

"There is always something to do. There are hungry people to feed, naked people to clothe, sick people to comfort and make well. And while I don't expect you to save the world, I do think it is not asking too much for you to love those with whom you sleep, share the happiness of those you call friend, engage those among you who are visionary, and remove from your life those who offer you depression, despair and disrespect"

It's something I am trying to do more of. Which means the conversations and discussions with my family and friends take a different approach sometimes. The high point of this is that once I started doing it, others followed suit. I don't think my best friend and I have ever had the kind of communication that is happening now. The intimacy and closeness is at new level for us. It's weird too because with the intimacy and closeness that we share through that, other things between us seem to have shifted too. we're not where we need to be yet, but I feel like we are on that path.

And I'm not afraid of it. I have some fears but they are largley stupid if you ask me. Like, I am afraid that when things straighten out with his brother and his job, our relationship will fall apart. Or that I will be rejected for something that was once OK. These are things that are stupid and mostly my issues.

At the end of the day, you have to tell the people you love how you feel while you have the chance. God doesn't drop these gifts on our laps twice and no matter what you may think or feel, the people we love and who love us are gifts.

We are not mindreaders though. Not truly. With our loved ones, we sometimes know each other so well that we don't even need to speak in full sentences or at all. But this is not to be relied upon. If you tend to be secretive about your feelings, and I speak only for myself, and I am, you will miss some really good opportunities.

Being Secretive with out feelings and desires is usually a form of self esteem or lack thereof. I certainly know that this is my problem. It also is my best friends. But one thing I realized. This situation with us, while I can't define it in conventional terms, is very special. For both. I tried to leave twice in the past 7 years. The first time amounted to nothing. Nothing changed because I didn't change.

This last time did. Because I wasn't afraid to say how I felt. I didn't play for abstract. I laid it out there. specifically and in great detail. Now, to be fair, it didn't net me the reaction that I wanted, but I should have known going in that the possibility of that happening is about 70/30. I tried to leave the relationship altogether. I cann't live with a small piecec of the pie and the crumbs being thrown at me when it's convenient.

But then something happened. To my best friend. He wouldn't let me leave. And he's worked harder at keeping me than ever before. It's not perfect, but it just gets better. That connection is strong. communication is open. And I'm giving the space he needs - happily I might add - to do what he needs to do for himself and his family - and me.

And he's doing it.

I am content right now with the way things are. Imporvements on both sides need to be made but I am fairly content.

definitions

My job in the past few days has been unbelievably challenging.

I have noticed an increasing anger like a low level hum, almost primordial, amongst my team in the past 18 months.

It's been slowly increasing to a fever pitch.

And the calm before the storm is now officially over.

Our staff call today went 2 and half hours. It was recorded, and now I know why. OUr leader verbally abused and bashed us in defense of a lie he has been perpetuating.

Actually. I feel really sorry for him. I'm sorry that he came from a corporate culture that used fear and intimidation in order to lead. I'm sorry that he feels if he doesn't have us doing absolutely everyone's job including our own means that he will lose his.

The reality is, he is a nice man. He is a smart man. He is a compassionate man.

His business persona is almost opposite.

What I found more important here is that I walked out of my house at 5 and taught 3 lessons to my kids. Then I was looking forward to Coldstone Ice cream, but my mom wanted us out east as my step dad had just gotten through surgery. Successfully as it turns out, the mass is gone now. We are thrilled, he is running a temp but as long as it goes down and stays down he can come home tomorrow.

I heard from my best friend again today twice. This is an unnerving precedent. But entirely lovely. He is coming by any minute to show off his new car and we'll watch a movie and relax a bit. This is a repeat of what we did last night too.

I want to say this because today I noticed it. The work stuff is really bothering me. Here's what I do and I realized today that I do it all the time.

When things get bad, between my immediate mgmt and myself ( and /or my team), I assume that it's me. It's my fault, or I'm not as good at what I do. I torment myself into believing that I am not qualified or good at my job.

As I was driving to my mom's, with various team members on my phone, It occurred to me that the reason things are bad, is because I am not good at what I do.

I was quickly brouoght back to reality. My customer likes me. I must be doing something right. My previous manager gave me superior ratings all the time. He trusted me implicitly.

The problem here, isn't me.

Well it is in a way.

I am very thorough in what I do. What ends up happening is that my bosses of yore ( and present) woulf issue me directives that I had already done. I normally just say OK. and do the next couple of necessary steps. With my current boss, if I don't confirm it's done already, I end up hearing hourly "is it done yet? when will you get to it?". So I find myself in the awkward position of saying " I took care of that already" which generally shows that I am ahead of my boss.

ONly people who are really secure can handle that.

I find that the mgmt that I have worked for in my life that can't hear that, are generally afraid one of us is after their job.

They needn't worry. Not interested.

But once I realized that I am really good at my job, I was able to let it go. I had a nice evening with my family. Great news on the mass being gone succesfully and my best friend should be here momentarily. I am in a great mood.

Seriously no matter what happens tomorrow or the next day, this mgmt does not define me or my qualifications to do this job.

The opposite of the Midas touch

Things here are not going well and you know what they say:

"When it rains it pours"

Well - we had torrentional rain, thunder and lightning ripping through the area along with a tornado in Brooklyn last night.

That's just the actual weather report.

The storms, more commonly referred to as my life, took a different format. My bedroom A/C unit leaked water all over my carpet night before last which required me to mop up a boat load of water and found me drying the carpet with a hair dryer.

I spent last night researching "through the wall sleeve" units. They start at $450.00. I found a nice Sears Kenmore model for $499.00 and my neighbor is going to help me install it.

My best friend called last night. His brother, as usual, doesn't learn. He has managed to thwart the efforts to get him hospice services. This is not terribly unusual though, he had to fall severla times in order to first get the cane, then get the walker anad finally the wheelchair. So this did not come as a surprise to me. Or him. But it is frustrating all the same because it's so unfair to his family. And all the people who help care for him.

Then there is the matter of my car. It feels like a roller coaster ride if you are in the passenger seat. I mentioned it to my best friend last night and he suspects the suspension. That never occurred to me, but then that shouldn't surprise anyone. I'm not "handy" that way.

So the money I have coming in PLUS my savings account will be going towards these two expenditures.

I tend to have the opposite of the midas touch. Everything I touch turns to crap.

Let's review the evidence:

• My job: Things were beautiful for about 4 years. BAM! merger. New boss. life is now crap.
• My love life: I met my soul mate. We are both in love with each other but the problem very specifically lies with him not wanting or ready to acknowledge it with some kind of peramanance. So right people - wrong time.
• My friendships: By and large this is not so bad, BUT I do have a couple of friends who seem to have abandoned me and I am unclear why. I should take the hint I guess. If they don't want regular contact wtih me and want to be friendly acquaintances who talk perhaps once or twice a year, thats fine. I just wish people would be up front instead of stringing me a long. One, when questioned, actually went with the "it's not you - It's me. "
• My family: While things are better here, I swear we are like a slightly warped version of everybody loves Raymond. And I'm Robert. Really do I need to say more?
• My home/car: As you have already seen we've covered this above. In the hopes of not being redundant I won't review it again.

Now, you may laugh when I say this but even with all of this above, every night I say a prayer, in the hopes that there is a heaven. This prayer consists of me thanking God for:

• the job that i have ( even though it blows),
• the home I have ( though it needs repairs),
• the car I drive ( same with the repairs),
• the friends and family that I have ( though all of us may be certifiable)
• The relationship that I am involved in ( though it needs a good deal of work)
• My health
• The world that we live in

Then I pray for the following:

• To make the job that am in better. by getting rid of leader
• To help me find the necessary elements to repair my home
• To help me find the necessary elements to repair my car
• To help my family and friends through any trials, illnesses or generals needs and blessings
• To help me with my relationship to get things on track for us.
• Keep me healthy and those close to me
• TO make the world a better place
• To give me strenght and courage to keep moving forward even when I feel like there is no hope, or have lost my way or my desire.

I guess that while I have the opposite of the midas touch, I also still have hope that I will be able to straighten everything out.

Re-charging

Today was a great day.

Why?

Because I did very little that I didn't want to do or choose to do.

I had my voice lesson which went well. We're talking about the possibility of another recital next year. This time I am picking the material. With recommendations of course, but I am not doing the killer program that I just did this year.

I'm looking to by a docking station for my ipod. One for the bedroom so I can hear my tunes while I take my bath at night. I have already blown out two sets of ear buds because they fell in the tub. I really don't want to keep spending money on those...

I came home, after by passing Weight watchers... Nothing personal, I should have gone, but I wanted to get home, get in my suit and sit by my pool and work on my tan. Which is exactly what I did. I read my book, listened to my JOni Mitchell CD and just generally disconnected from the world for 2 hours.

Which brings me to my next point. I have noticed how difficult it is for me to disconnect lately. I've started making a checklist of the shift I undergo depending on whether I am dealing with job related stress, emotional stress or worse - both. So far:

Job Related stress:
Weight Gain due to over eating
Unable to sleep at night - requires 2 different sleep meds to get 6 hours in.
Eczema breakouts despite meds
Unable to disconnect even for an hour
Snapping at the slightest provocation
Tears of frustration just hovering under the surface

Emotional Related Stress:
Weight Loss due to under eating
Excessive sleep - more than 8-9 hours a night
Tears of emotion at controlled intervals.
Disconnectiong from the world entirely for long stretches of time
Disinterest in my normal activities.

Isn't this interesting? Today, I made a conscious decision that disconnecting was my only choice. I spend two hours reading, tanning, listening to music, swimming. Then I came upstairs and had a lovely cool shower using my lavendar scented scubz sugar scrub.

When I emerged from my cool shower, feeling so refreshed, I applied my Aveeno Cream Oil and made some lunch. I watched Keeping the faith and took a nap. I can honestly tell you that it was the best nap I have had in months. I felt rested but I will still sleep tonight. I have laid out my outfit for my nephews baptism tomorrow. My parents are picking me up on our way out to Forest Hills. I am looking forward to this. I will take pictures!

I am recovering from the week. I will not have this week twice in a row. I just won't. And I have already decided that if my boss needs 7 hours to understand what is happening, he is going to have to get it from someone else - I am not up for the discussion at this time. I can't make him less clueless and multiple hours of explanation just takes me away from what I need to do for the customer. I can't operate the way he does. I am too old to live on that kind of adrenaline all the time.

We, as human beings, spend too much time connected. Email, cell phones, pagers, blackberrys. It's too much. No one should be that connected all the time. It burns us out too fast. It's information overload. It forces us to live on adrenaline so frequently that the fight or flight syndrome can't work the way it is intended too because we live it day to day now.

I have worked very hard in my life to play as hard as I work and to make the time for both equal. I have learned that my sacrifice of my life for my job will not be rewarded. It will be taken for granted. That's quite a sacrifice if you think about it. Handing over your life to your employer? And not getting compensated for it? All that does is set an ugly precedent. And instead of appreciating your noble gesture of handing over your life all they do is expect it and take it for granted. And - it's not their fault either. In most cases, they didn't even ask for it!

I am the first person for doing your job and doing it well. Not to be trite, but seriously Be the best that you can be while you are at your job, but go home when you are supposed to, take your lunches when you should - and not at your desk while working. This enables you to recharge you batteries so that you can come back tomorrow and be the best again.

People who have lives outside of their careers are the ones who go far. The workaholics often get passed up for higher positions because the workaholic tendancy tends to mask other issues. Management classes tend to teach that people who work round the clock like that have one of two issues, either they are ineffective in the position that they hold meaning they are really not qualified to do the job or are not trained properly OR there is truly so much work that the headcount needs to be increased.

Once I realized that my tendancy towards being a workaholic masked my confidence in my ability to do my job, I relaxed and did the best work I could during my alotted work hours, took my lunch when I was supposed to and then went home and relaxed. I became more productive and better at what I do. My problem was fear and confidence.

I just won't go back to that again.

Another day in hell ( the opposite of Another day in Paradise)

The week is over.

I can safely tell you that I have no idea where it went. Honestly.

days ran into each other, the line from one day to the next blending so specifically that I have no clue what day it was.

It was an odd feeling to know that I didn't actually LEAVE the house until Wednesday evening.

I had a slightly better day today, for two reasons. My old boss, the one I adore, stopped bashing me publicly all week and started helping me out. All is not forgiven yet, but much of it is.

The second reason is it's Friday. My housekeeper was here. I warned her up front that criticism will not be appreciated today. That didn't stop her, but it did make her understand when I snapped at her. She had the stupidity to criticize how I take care of my roses. THEY JUST GOT DELIVERED THIS AFTERNOON!!!!!!!!!! What the hell???? So when she was done, I asked her if there was anything else that I wasn't doing correctly that she needed to advise me on. She laughed and apologized and said that it was clearly not my week.

My groceries were delivered and my favorite ice cream was in there. I smiled and dreamed about that until I couldn't stand it anymore and ate it for dinner. Yum

I got a lot done today. IN fact I got a lot done this week. despite the fact that no one will give me the database that I need to true up my data against. I don't want to hear it when stuff is missing. seriously I don't.

I had to advise my PM to stop allowing the mudslinging on calls. Its not productive and it tears the fabric of the team apart.

Then I noticed the fruit flies. Loads and loads and loads of them.

I hate bugs. All bugs. well - not lady bugs. But generally all bugs.

Don't misunderstand - I'm not afraid of any of them I just hate them.

I spoke to the exterminating company that's on retainer for my condo. They don't treat for fruit flies. Why you may ask?

They have a lifespan of less than 4 hours. However they multiply like wildfire. So the trick is to not let them land for too long as that is supposedly when they mate. I find it hard to believe however I am not an expert on fruit flies.

In lieu of bug spray, I used oust. When I ran out of that ( not the best choiice by the way), I went to windex. it worked for the father in My Big Fat Greek Wedding so why not?

Seriously it worked. They like to land on mirrors and glass so you can kill two birds with one stone. You can clean the glass and kill the bugs all at once!

I took an almost sadistic pleasure in killing them off. I figure as long as I force the numbers down, I figure the rest will die the slow death that I have been promised.

It's the end of the week. I really needed to spend time with my best friend and he needed to spend time with me. It was just not an option this week. Though we tried. Hard.

I have a technique that I use for weight watchers a lot. It's called Mental Rehearsal.

I use it for more than just weight loss though. I find that when I need to have conversations that are very important, I use that technique. When I need to do anything difficult, I use mental rehearsal. It helps me to guide the outcome in a way that is respectful and beneficial to all parties.

I was rehearsing a conversation that I was going to have with a family member regarding the situation with my best friend. really - truly - it's not their business. However, given the fact that it's taken some affects on me, a small explanation may be necessary. I haven't officially decided whether to do it or not. But one of the comments that came into my mind during the mental rehearsal was that we are fighting to stay in each other's lives.

Isn't that an interesting line. Fighting to stay in each other's lives. In effect fighting to stay together. When people have found their soul mates, its very hard to walk away. There is a connection and it doesn't go away. even when you walk away. It's true.

I know. Because I've done it. And I tried to do it a second time. And I havenn't been successful because there is wisdom that comes with age. Not just for me. He is fighting to keep me too. Flattering - hell yes. Realistic? don't know yet.

The minute that we get him a job and working full time again, his life will change.

And so will mine. I can roll with this punch too, but come on. You guys KNOW I hate change.

I am just afraid that this change will be the thing that changes US. Now yes, that can be for the good OR the bad. Because I tend to be unlucky in love, I tend to be a little pessismistic and don't think that the change will be for the good.

I am reminded of my mom. She wouldn't marry my step dad right away. She was afraid that marriage would change their relationship. They lived together for years. She finally married him and they are still married. And happy. she calls him her prince charming.

But such is my love for him that I need him to be happy. And he's not. It has nothing to do with me, it has everything to do with his situation with his brother. I need him to be settled and happy. It's that important to me that this happen soon. And if it comes to pass that we fall apart, I will deal with the loss of color. And if he gets his act together and we change for the better, then the color will just explode further in my life and that will be wonderful.

And thus ends my last day in the week from hell. I wish I could have high hopes for next week, but alas, I do not. My leader comes back from vacation and he's going to make this whole exec escalation worse by talking me to death while I try to get work done. I am not planning to do another week like this.

It is officially the weekend and this time is my time.

MY TIME.

Other Men's Cross are not my own

I woke up this morning, and a wave of sadness rushed over me like tsunami. I went back to bed and woke up at 1PM. I had been dreaming about Rod.

When I was about 20 years old, Rod, gave me some very important advice regarding a boyfriend I had who had a drinking problem.

He said "Contessa, your shoulders are only this wide" Gesturing the distance from one of my shoulders to the other.

"You can't carry your own cross and other people's full time. You can give them relief from time to time and if they love you, they will give you relief from time to time. "

"What my mother, Nellie, used to say is, Other men's crosses are not my crosses."

I thought of that this morning. His 58th birthday would have been yesterday had he lived. We lost him last year to an accident resulting from the pain of the cancer that would ultimately get him.

Other men's crosses are not my crosses.

Do not get the idea that I have adopted my best friends issues as my own. I have not. I am, however, in the position to do the things that need doing on the research end that can help him and his family while they are still actively caring for his dying brother.

I had to decline learning how to feed him. It just was in so many ways the wrong thing to do. Though I love him, if something happened to his brother under my watch, I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else to help relieve the pressure.

So this is my choice. I called upon receipt of the desperation email that he sent and offered to assist in this way. And that was accepted.

So while it is someone Else's cross, I am carrying it for now. Because I love him and because I think his family needs relief. I know what this feels like. I was there with my dad. And I only carried the responsibility for 4 hours a day when he was home and all hospital trips were split between my stepmom and I. With that little bit, I was able to carry on for 7 years, with moving from one county to another to be closer, taking a job with the understanding that I would have to leave by a certain time to be home for my shift.

Given the fact that my dad has been gone now 4 years in June, I realize that I still have 3 years to go before I am out of that situation as long as I was in it.

It's ironic. The day my dad died, I stood on the scale and realized that it was at a number that I wasn't happy with, but my clothing still fit.

I remember the day of the wake. The family went out to eat at the diner across the street from the funeral home. I ate like I had never seen food before. And didn't care. After the last person left the funeral home that night, I went out with the family again, and ate like I had never seen food before.

I gained 42 pounds in the 4 years after my dad died. 42 lbs sitting in WW meetings week after week. I can only imagine how much more that number would be if I hadn't been sitting there.

But, I lost 18 of that. Actually its close to 20 now. I only have 22 to go to get back to where I was 4 years ago.

It's funny, I picked up someone Else's cross and carried it, while working, hard, on my own.


I'm not upset about my decisions here. I made them, intelligently, and I didn't do it with any ulterior motives. I did this for someone I care about, because he asked for help. Being a person who doesn't often ask for help, and loving someone who is exactly like that himself, when it is asked for, it's usually way past the point where it will be easy. And it's not. But it is something that I am good at and capable of doing. I have the right people in place, the right information available and I am putting the files together to make this task easier on the family.


When my dad died, I didn't know what I needed. He showed up at my door with Chinese food and a six pack of beer for him and my favorite wine for me. He slept on the couch. The next night, another friend who was not going to be up here for the funeral, showed up with dinner and took all calls for me. Another friend, showed up one night with the biggest frozen yogurt she could muster up and stayed with me that night.


These people, these very same people are the people that his email was addressed to. I had dinner last night with with the friend who brought the yogurt and her mom. This dinner served a couple of things. I haven't seen her mom in awhile, so that was nice. I needed to be with this friend. She is the one who has my dad hanging around her aura. It got me out of the house AND Her mom is one of those formidable people who knows everyone in the town. She is going to be an asset here. I am already in discussions about jobs for him with her.


In times of trial, these people picked up my cross and carried it. They got me through the funeral and kept me busy and occupied for months afterwards.


That's love. That's what love is too.

The conundrum

This day could not get any stranger in terms of information if it tried.

I heard from my best friend today. As I mentioned in yesterdays post, his brother had another surgical procedure that has put him in tremendous pain, but they brought him home today. Unfortunately, they did outpatient training on one family member ( best friend) and the nursing company will not touch it. I just quietly listened to him as he spoke. He was again respectful and very nice, but I could hear how much effort was going into that. Not due to me, but due to the anger that he is realing with over having nurses who can't help because of red tape and paperwork. This means that he needs to be there all the time.

I asked if there was anything I could do. He asked me if I wanted to be trained to help feed his brother. Feeling positively awful, I had to decline. I can't do that. I couldn't do that with my own dad. I know it's just not a good idea. What if something happened to him? I would never forgive myself. I offered to do anything else, so he asked if I would turn pages for him while his brother reads ( he can't). Now THAT I can do.

He mentioned trying to get over here this weekend to talk. I told him that our issues will survive another week if need be, he needs to get a schedule and plan in place for his brother first.

He told me he canceled his class and his gigs. I was acutely disappointed. This is just another step backwards for him.

I could be wrong on this, but I feel that he is hostage to this situation. A willing one.

Yes, it's not my problem directly, but I feel like it does affect me to a degree. Not because I feel badly about his brother, because I do, and certainly not because I fully understand the draining of your life that this becomes, because I do. But because it's robbing a person I love of their own will to live. I don't mean live as opposed to die. I mean living in a shadow of a life.

All I want to do right now it is hug him and hold him and tell him that he is loved and that he is appreciated even when it is not said, or shown.

And I can't.

I spoke to step mom tonight. It was a perfectly lovely and fun conversation. Given the family connection with this other family, I mentioned the situation. She counceled me the same way that I ended up going. She basically said,

"You are a good person with a huge heart. You would do it out of the goodness that is you. And if something happened, you would never forgive yourself. "

She was right. We talked some more about how the situation is robbing my best friend of his life when she popped out with,

"You know, this is why your dad objected to him in the first place. He hadn't found himself yet and he was already in his 40's. Now he's in his 50's and he has a perfectly legit excuse for why he doesn't need to find himself. He has to fight it and the hardest thing in the world is fighting against your own family. But each day he loses a piece of himself. Eveyone knows how you two feel about each other. Your dad knew. He just wasn't comfortable with it. "

Now, this actually is very interesting. I had heard this from her one other time, but when it's said in anger by her, you can't always tell where the honesty is. So I never paid it mind. She repeated it verbatim tonight in a good secure way, so it has to be true. My dad would never have told me. But he would have told his wife to be sure.

what makes it so interesting is this is exactly what my best friend said to me. He thought very seriously about marrying me and how easy that would be. But he has no future. blah blah blah, I'm not writing the rest of it, you can go back to older posts to see the details on this part.

I just think it's very odd that my dad thought these things ( The two of them liked each other VERY much when I wasn't involved in the equation) and that my best friend echoed those parentaly concerns in our "what do we do now" conversation. ( It's still pending by the way).

I'm on an information overload today. I keep walking around the house in circles. I can't sit still for long. I try to practice and can't. I can't sit through a 30 minute sitcom, I'm tired but can't sleep. Eating, however, isn't a problem. Not excessive but not a problem. I just feel like I am at loose ends.

My poor faithful readers. When I started this blog, it was not supposed to go this way. But then I never intended or expected this whole scenario to happen. I started this blog as a way to write through the episodes of my life in a fair and constructive fashion that would help me learn more about myself and to handle life's curveballs better. This blog has certainly done that. Even in this situation, it really has. I am awed by your support and immeasurably comforted b by your presence in reading. I expect to be repetitive. I expect to be dramatic. I expect to have you ripping your own hair out, yelling "DON'T YOU GET IT YET?", I expect all of that to happen. I am trying to manage it better so that it's not so irritating in print.

The Garden

If relationship = gardens Then one person is the gardener and the other is flower that is being tended to.

"You've been a fool, and so have I
But come and by my wife.
And let us try, before we die,
To make some sense of life."

That Sounds like a great plan. I like it actually.

With one exception.

I don't believe that one person has exclusive rights as the Gardener and other as the flower.

I think in a relationship, the roles tend to switch depending on need.

"We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good;
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow,
And make our garden grow"

In my "whatever we are calling it now", I have been the Gardner for the past 3 months. I have weeded, I have nourished. I thought I was doing all the right things.

"I thought the world was sugar cake,
For so our master said.
But now I'll teach my hands to bake
Our loaf of daily bread."

But my Garden didn't grow. It started to wither and fail. And I blame myself in part for why that happened. I did the best that I could.

"We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good;
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow,
And make our garden grow..."

In all the time that I have known him, it wasn't until recently that I even ALLOWED myself to see a future with him. I worked with those goals in mind. I wasn't picky on the timeline either. I was even thinking about children. We both have so much to offer a child in terms of parenting and values and talents - can you imagine the musician that child would be? and dancing? I mean, we are talking a musical theater GENIUS. That would be our kid. And brilliant. and socially conscious. Politically unique ( him not me ). And the love of two parents and the multitudes of family that we both have.

"Let dreamers dream what worlds they please,
Those Edens can't be found.
The sweetest flowers, the fairest trees
Are grown in solid ground."

But unfortunately, fear is a powerful motivator. These things look wonderful on paper. They feel right in person. But if the garden is afraid to bloom for the Gardener, there is limited success to be had. The Gardner would have to be patient, coax the garden out slowly and patiently. Nurturing it, allowing for failures, enabling new ideas and allowing the garden the freedom to grow at its own pace.

But at some point. The Gardner has to decide when it's time to stop trying. Maybe the land isn't ready to be sown yet. Maybe the land needs rest until it is ready to take crops.

Maybe the land is not ready to grow the kinds of seeds that the Gardner is trying to plant. the seeds of love may not be the right thing for the land at this time. Maybe they will never be. Or maybe they need time and patience.

I guess what I am saying is that, I will keep doing the best that I know. I will keep trying to grow the garden until I have tried everything in my, albeit limited outside the metaphor, knowledge to get my garden to bear fruit. The fruit of love or friendship, or both.

A wise friend of mine, once said something brilliant to me about this very situation. She said that people who have this kind of connection and this kind of friendship and closeness with each other - they get married. They move in together. They love each other and they commit to one another.

"We're neither pure, nor wise, nor good;
We'll do the best we know.
We'll build our house and chop our wood
And make our garden grow,
And make our garden grow. "

And those people, the ones described in my friends' wisdom?

They make their garden grow.


Lyrics to "Make our Garden Grow" from Candide written by Leonard Bernstein

Looking at the positive

I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.



On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.



That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).

As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.

As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"

I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.

If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.

I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.

But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.

This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.

That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.

I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.

Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.

She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.

Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.

One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.

It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.

But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.

Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.

When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.

An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.

We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.

Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.

So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.

Some things I am proud of:

1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.

I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.

I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )