If any of you are still reading me, bless your hearts because I have been blog dark for months. I was inconsistent at best before that.
I would ordinarily offer up my apologies but I am no longer offering apologies for those things that I cannot control.
There is so much to tell you I do not know where to start so I will start with the most recent events and go backwards from there.
I was laid off from my position with a major telecom firm that I have been with through the darkest and ugliest of times over the past decade.
It's probably one of the worst things next to losing my dad that I have had to go through that is truly permanent.
Not only am I officially unemployed in the worst economy in my lifetime, I am unemployed as the primary source of income in my household.
Aside from the financial issues, there are the emotional and self esteem issues that go with it. Why me? Why Now?
I have no answers for any of this but I can tell you that I am angry. I am hurt and I am scared witless.
But if I am honest with myself, I am mostly burnt out. This job no longer presented me with a sense of accomplishment. It no longer provided me with a sense of urgency and care for my customers. They were suffering at my hand due to indifference.
Which brings me to indifference. Hate is usually equated as the opposite of love. It is not. Indifference? That's the true opposite of love. I once loved my job, the last few months, I was indifferent to it. Effective yes... indifferent MOST DEFINETLY.
So I am now sitting here and trying to figure out what I want to do when I grow up. Which has to be reasonably soon. While I SHOULD receive a gorgeous package - it's not here yet. So until I have it in my hands, I am assuming nothing.
My life is complicated and when one thing fails, the all fail. I am afraid that this will send Jon bolting ( to his credit he's not planning anything like that - that's just me and my personal insecurities), I haven't told my family yet, and I am embarassed beyond capacity. Frightened in ways that defy description and those are two things that don't happen frequently.
I will keep you posted and I promise to write more. I have a lot to tell you all and I promise to backtrack and fill you in while moving this forward.
Best to you all and I hope you stick around to read!
2 comments:
This is just my opinion, baby, and I can't claim to understand the machinations of family politics, but I would sincerely suggest telling the family. Soon. There are few things one can truly count on in life, and whether we like it or not, family is one of them. It may open avenues or present opportunities you haven't thought of yet. If nothing else, you will have some more support--locally--which is so important.
I understand the pride thing. I know how fiercely independent you are. I know you have to grieve this loss and all the baggage that comes along with it, and sometimes having family members tell you what you should do does more harm than good. But think about it. I loev you and am thinking about you!! <3
Still reading, and sending you a hug. You'll get through this -- all of it. You will.
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