A life in Flux

There is nothing quite so scary as having the major pillars of your life in flux.

At the same time.

My company is going through a reorg and while I am assured there are no layoffs in the immediate future, within the next 30-60 days my job will change dramatically.

I tend to take a "wait and see" towards that as it has never gone "bad" before when they have done this. IN this case , I will most likely be reporting to someone else, the player to be named later if you will.

I am trying to remain optomistic in this and taking the stance of "Don't worry and fret before you have something to worry and fret about".

I don't do it well but I am trying.

Meanwhile, the relationship is not going well. Communication is hit and miss which is actually an improvement over the complete NON-communication that was going on before. I've noticed some subtle things that go to the good and some that go to the less than good of late. My own mood has contributed to that as much as my best friend's. I want more, and he is not ready yet. I am being smothering in order to hold on to what's there, and he's pulling away. So I stopped it. All of it. I am not only not smothering him, I am giving the space that we both need here. It's a perspective thing. And it's hard for me. I am not good at playing "hard to get".

Music isn't going so well either. on some levels its better than ever, but the same old problem keeps cropping up.

The short version on all of this is, when my life comes apart at the seams like this, it's usually a sign that something needs to change.

In these cases, I believe that this is a chain reaction. One thing goes south, and they all do. I think if my job straightens out, I'll be better equipped emotionally to do the heavy lifting that needs to be done on the other two. Right now, I am so drained from lack of sleep and lack of nutrients that all I want to do is lay down. I force myself to exercize. I force myself to eat SOMETHING whether I am hungry or not. I try to make it productive. I work the required hours and follow my personal schedule to the letter.

But my heart's not in it. Nor is my brain. All I want to do is cut and run from my life. Leave it all behind and start again. But the reality is, if I Can't make it work in this life, what makes me think that I can do it in another? So I don't cut and run. I stay and try to fight it out.

But this time it's different. I've lost my fight. I'm tired. bone tired. I don't want to fight. I just want to "be".

It won't be this way forever, in fact, sooner rather than later I will be in a better position to know if I want to leave this company or not. Which is good. The general consensus right now is that the change that is being proposed is actually going to make life BETTER for us. My staff has come forward and mentioned that they are all managing a level of anxiety through medication. I was shocked to know that. It's unreal. That a company of this magnitude can instill such fear and manipulation that this is the rule rather than the exception. We have had two people under the age of 40 DIE this year of sudden heart attacks. NO warning, no heart related activitiy prior. Just died. One left a small child behind. Did this wake up my management? NO.

And that's why I am willing to wait out the change because the pressure wi be relieved. Of course, if it isn't, I am already researching other positions within this company and others to move to.

I think that in the past two years, the job has been so stressful for me and the others who work for this person, that its become impossible for me to put the required energy into dealing with and managing the other aspects of my life when they go into flux. Consequently, everything came to a head and all I can do is hide.

Largely this is my own fault. I tried to make a bad situation work post merger for me and my team. The reality is that the new mgmt didn't ever want it to work. Because the environment that they came from is so different, and the merger was handled very unusually, our lives have become hell. I should have put an end date on it sooner, but my reviews were glowing so why would I do that?

There are tons of reasons why I stay but I think the most important one is that I hate change and I am afraid of the unknown. In everything. I will stay in a bad situation rather than take a risk. 'Better the devil you know' attitude.

Except in love. I was willing to give this person another chance and while it's not going well right now, I do think we can get backk to that with some effort. My problem is that I just don't have the strength and he doesn't either. For the same sets of reasons.... So space is the answer for now, we are still together, just giving some breathing room to heal from outside influences. This was a HUGE step for me. I don't do this. I don't even know how! But something is guiding me, not always correctly, but something is guiding me.

I just need another ounce of faith.