More on editing

I can talk up a good game on this editing thing.

I describe it, tell you how it's done, give tips and tricks on making it work.

But in the end, human nature prevails.

You know the old saying "Good news travels fast, but bad news travels faster?"

The same concept applies to our memories.

Interestingly enough, If you have two confrontations that happen with the same people at the same event - one positive and one negative - which are you going to remember?

Most people will dwell on the negative. Or at least that will be the first thing that comes to mind when, at some future date, you are asked to recall the said event.

I'm going to use this Christmas day as my example.

Having gone on record and said already that this was the holiday season FROM HELL, it was in no way - and I mean what I say here - in NO WAY due to my family.

It may be the first time ever, but there were no incidents that readily come to mind.

This is an example of the editing that I chose to employ.

Here's the reality.

Mary, a friend of the family, has two sons. They are 5 and 3. They are the most delightful, sweet and funny BOY boys you will ever find. I can't get enough of them and am always thrilled to be around them and included in events with them.

But they are 5 and 3.

My brothers and I spent the day before giggling and laughing at my mother because she is a neat freak extraodinaire. Sadly a trait I did not inherit.... but I digress.

With all the kids traipsing through her house, putting sticky hands on the glass doors, spilling juice on the carpet, drool, spitting up, etc.... she didn't even flinch. We didn't even know what to do when there was nothing covering the dining room table. HOw were we to eat? Where would be put the plates? Not on the WOOD???? isn't that the eleventh commandment???

So Christmas day, the little boys (A&M), their parents, my brother, my mom and I are upstairs playing Christmas Carols. I put a closed and sealed bottle of Diet Coke on a book on the piano. My mom, in mom fashion, put it on the floor. "A" proceeds to kick it and put it back so that no one notices ( I am told this later). I pick it up, open it, it sprays everywhere.

You would actually think, that surgical triage was about to take place, barking orders screaming at people to move move move. She was a little "crazed" - ( not hard to see where it comes from now eh?).

We clean up the mess, and get back to singing. I wasn't quite up for it, after the disaster, so I worked with the kids.

But I was a little upset. She made SUCH a freaking commotion over this that I felt like a stupid 8 year old who can't get it together and just have a drink.

But I recount it now solely to illustrate my actual success at editing this. Here the reality. I am really reaching to recount how I felt. Other than the obvious - not a good feeling - I can't really tell you what all went through my mind. And I let it go, within minutes.

I am trying to do this with little things right now. The big things are so unbelieveably hard to let go.

My best friend and I are having a lot of trouble right now. Still. It's just added because now, instead of just his issues, now we have mine too. double the trouble.... ah a little humor to lighten things up.

I have started the editing and started some new attitudes and behaviours regarding this relationship. I won't resort to actual gameplaying, but we put some space in right now and let us heal a bit individually.

We both had some serious meltdowns on each other this past month. It was very bad. On both parts. Neither one of us is coming out of this holiday smelling like a rose. But I think that we can learn from this. He's already started correcting some of his things. And I need to start evaluating myself.

I know that I said no resolutions. These aren't New Years Resolutions - these are life resolutions.

1. I am working on trust. I need to trust him more and actually show it, not just say it. It's not him - it's everyone. I just don't trust. But I'm working on that.

2. I haven't like my life in the past 2 months. That is entirely my own fault because I allowed certain factors to encroach upon the things that make me who I am. So I am going back to those "solar" or rational activities that make me who I am. My music, my kids, my pets, exercise.... all of it.

3. My job. I have extended the deadline to the end of First quarter. There are major job shifts taking place and I need to see the direction that is going to be taking place. I am looking outside as well as inside the company for other opportunities n the meantime. I have uncovered in the past 2 weeks that I do not like my manager at all and that I do not have the mental strength to continue working for him unless he changes, he won't because he doesn't have to. As far as HIS boss is concerned - he walks on water. So that kind of sealed my decision. But I am open to negotiations.

4. My mental health and sanity - I need to deal with my insecurities and my fear that no man will love me for who I am. I need to stop trying to be a people pleaser 24x7. I need to be able to tap into the inner emotional strength that I know I have as I give to all around me. In other words, I need to make myself a priority. I am taking care of the physical part - 35 lbs down and 3 sizes, blood pressure is looking good. But the psychological issues are really starting to creep up and bite me. In ways I didn't expect.

There will be more as they come up as this is not just a one year thing - these changes are forever as far as I am concerned.

I need to get more silliness and happiness into my life. I was happy but closed off this time of last year. I am open, walls torn down, more exposed and I now have periods of happiness but generally - for right now - I'm now. I'm not even sad really anymore. I'm just borderline anxious. Not anxious enough to not sleep anymore, or eat even - I do sleep - not well - and I do eat - not well. But both activities are happening so one step at a time.

I have targetted my first editing routine. I have been trying, unseuccessfully, to use it on his entire meltdown. Instead of "forgetting" the bad stuff, I now lump up ALL the good stuff in it's place and smile in spite of myself - thus enabling me to not dwell on the bad. Still Editing - just a different twist. We'll call it the editors magic trick.

I am going to warn you now, flee if you want - but don't say I didn't tell you. This blog is going to be about my changes outlined here and in future posts. If you thought you were sick of hearing about the man before, it's not going to get better in terms of volume. It will most likely get better in terms of how this is going.... but the volume is going to go up. It's part of my decompression and part of my recovery from the depression I have been in. Don't say you weren't warned!