A weird reality

Again - why am I doing this????

Oh that's right - I love it.

Or most of it.

I love music. Since I was a little girl. I have memories that go back to when I was 3, singing "O come all ye faithful" with my family.

I really think that I am on the right path for me both career wise and passion wise. I love what I do any which way.

But still the question posed itself last night in an unusual situation. For me at any rate.

There is one group that I sing with occasionally. I am ringer for them. And when I am there, I carry the entire Soprano section. I am by far, 20 + years, the youngest in the room.

This year, they are singing the Haydn Lord Nelson Mass and The Rossini Stabat Mater. I was asked to be understsudy to the Haydn and take the Soprano II solo and a tenor solo in the Rossini. I gladly obliged. But had been singing ALL the solo's and the choral parts for every rehearsal since December.

Last night the 5 paid soloists arrived. All of them people I had worked with before. Very nice, Very cool VERY talented people. It's a thrill to be in their company really.

But I still had a tough time NOT singing the parts I had been singing and working on for 2 months. I left early because I was still not feeling my best and the concert is this weekend. Since the director wasn't going to run my solo's again that night, I asked permssion to take off. As I was leaving he mentoned that the Alto was going to do the Second Soprano Solo and that's fine with me. So I left graciously saying goodnight to all. I wasn't angry or upset, I certainly left on a professional note. I was home in bed by 8:45 but still this nagging feeling of possession of these solos lingered.

The director called at 10 PM. I was actually taking a hot bath as it 19 degrees here. I was sitting in the bath with my book and my hot chocolate, resting and relaxing. The phone rings, and I have the coolest phone on earth. It announces who's calling in addition to displaying it on screen. It announces my vocal coach first and I decide I am not taking the call as I am in the bath.

The second call, literally seconds later, was from the director. I take that one. He changed his mind and I am now singing the second soprano solo in the Rossini and would I please call his board president and give my bio info to her. He thanked me for covering all term for him and felt that my diction was amazing. He really was pleased with the tenor solo that he only gave me a week to learn and feels it will be beautiful on performance. I didn't know what to say. It was certainly a surprise to me. It almost always is these days. I get so much criticism that its really hard to know that you might be sort of good at it.

I still felt weird about the other soprano who has a stunning voice and I feel there are parts of the Haydn that I do better, but its her gig and I wish her well. She is not only a talented person but a really nice woman to work with. In fact, that goes for all of the soloists. This is going to e fun for me in that regard, but I am moving my seat to sit amongst the soloists on Saturday. The director doesn't want me in left field away from them.

It's just tough to be understudy, learn everything to performance level and KNOW you aren't going to ever perform it. I've never been in that position before. I think I handled myself well. I didn't whine ( except to you folks!), I didn't pout or act inappropriately. The turmoil was entirely internal and I shoved it hard out of the way so it wouldn't infect others.

I know why I do this. I love it and I'm good at it. But there are still some lessons to learn along the way.