The pillars

Pillar 1.

Well the job officially changed this afternoon.

I report to a new manager - that appears on the surface to be good news.

I will be doing the same basic job with one major componant removed - making my job actually easier on some levels.

But the down side is it leaves me open to layoff. A sitting duck if you will. When you are one of many and they need to cut heads....

I keep reviewing the things that are not going in an acceptable manner and trying to figure out how to move things along for the better.

Pillar 2

I spoke to the Pres of the group I sing with tonight. He had promised that he was appointing me to the board to fill a vacancy. The current VP ( the witch from other posts) has done a marvelous job of slandering me and 3 members out of 5 objected to appointment based on, as it turns out, nothing. What was said about me was that I am not capable of doing a good job and that I don't follow through and complete my tasks.

Hello? I am a project manager by trade. Not finishing tasks would get me fired.

Oh snap. wait.

I just had a major job change didn't I?

Hmmm.

Pillar 3

My relationship is not going well. I really don't know whats happening but we are on the Pulling back phase right now. Space - yes. Time - yes. Frustration - yes. I am hurting because of this. Largely because I really do not understand what I did or didn't do to cause this or what in general is happening to cause this whether it was me or not. It's been two months. And it's been really rough. Ironically - nobody wants to leave - which is always hopeful. I try to focus on the good things and let the so-so ones go. But at the end of the day, right now, I feel like we have taken a step backwards. I understand what caused THAT and we have discussed that. But it's really hard for me.

At the end of the day, what my heart and mind keep circling back to is maybe I'm not as good at my job as I thought. I've been doing it for 15 years and I had the top customer in my company for 4 of those. But maybe I'm not that good. when you are told you aren't doing a good enouogh job often enough and long enough - you start to believe it.

Now it's ad enough that I am dealing with this at work, but now the singing group that I have been with for 12 years is basically telling me the same thing now on an administrative post. Now I know it's crap, but the same kind of commentary has come up in a second place. With almost the same words - only none of them know my work life so they couldn't know that. Accident? Coincidence? I don't think so.

Then you factor in the difficulties I am encountering in my romantic life. My brain continues to circle around what I did or did not do to cause any one of these three pillars to crumble and fall like this.

My whole psyche hurts. I can't figure out how I went from being such a strong woman who is good at her job and valued by her customer, sings professionally and is valued as a volunteer in her singing groups and loved by her best friend in the world to being the weak, unqualified and undervalued employee, a singer who can't hold a simple administrative function like writing the English language to take notes, and the woman who just feels like a burden now.

Which one is the real me???? I don't think I even know anymore.