Grey skies are gonna clear up

yeah yeah yeah - I know I know

Put on a happy face.

Actually - for the first time in months - I probably am. I am the most relaxed since the diagnosis. I am the most calm that i have been.

I am busy - but constructively so.

The diagnosis is this. No more chemo, 2 more weeks of radiation and possibly surgery to remove the nodes if they don't continue to shrink on their own.

His voice is returning bit by bit. He's eating, he's drinking and the energy is slowly but surely making it's way back. Slowly oh so slowly.

More to the point, he's in a better mood and a better frame of mind. Which means WE are doing better. Not completely not yet - but the effort is there. I see it, I sense it. I know it.

We had a lovely visit with the whore. Whom I will from not on NOT be calling that anymore. I will have to find a new nickname for her. she's not so bad. not so good either. But she seems to have settled herself on what she wants out of this and it's minimal. Friendship to be sure, but not the every day in your face kind.

She will email, they will talk occasionally. But she made it clear without grandstanding that her life is now all about her, the man she chose over mine and her kids. I couldn't have asked for anything more. She also didn't say it for my benefit at all. It was part of conversation where she was explaining that her vacation was to be only family not friends of the kdis etc. She just wanted it to be her and the man and the kids and that was it.

No hidden agenda this time. She actaully hugged me upon leaving and told me that I was doing a great job with him and that clearly this was meant to be.

I won't tell you that I am perfectly OK now. But We all turned a big corner that day. I no longer wish her gone or dead. I wish her and her family well.

She no longer resents me. We get on OK so if we run into each other again - it won't be an issue.

Ironically, the more often I see her, the less pretty she becomes. I always thought that was the opposite.... the more you see into your competition.... how does that go???

Anyway - it's not that she isn't pretty, it's more that she is no longer a factor, that is most important.

What made that visit so good, is that we really communicated about her BEFORE she got there. And it wasn't forced and it bad or angry. We just talked about how I feel when it appears to be hidden and how he feels when he deems it necessary to hide it.

What it amounts to ( which I should have known) is that he wasn't quite done in his heart. That's OK - he's not enitrely done with any woman he's ever had a relatinoship with so this one is no surprise either. I don't have a problem with that - in many ways that is a part of all of us.

We are moving forward with the remaining parts of his treatments. Things are looking good and we are working towards getting the music business up and running.

I am gearing us into yoga slowly, I am gearing us into natural eating and holistic healing as well. Just integrating into our lives in bits and pieces will go a long way.

I am forcing a medical proxy as well as wills from a practical standpoint.

I am going to slowly get the house back to whole while starting to look for a bigger one....eventually that will be the plan.

Things are looking better. Much better.