I have a secret

It's not THAT secret anymore because I am starting to talk about it.

I am embarassed about it though.

I get the holiday blues. Generally right after Thanksgiving ( that's my favorite holiday) and lasts through new years.

Usually I can contain my blues to the inside of my head. THat generally works very successfully. If the last 20 years is any record....

This year I was less than successful. It has more to do with the extraneous things happening in my life and a lot to do with the unrealistic expectations that I set for this year. That, I think, was the bigger mistake to be honest. Unrealistic expectations.

So now we have the blind leading the blind. Or the depressed leading the depressed. And it's really interesting because we aren't fighting.... not really. We just aren't talking. Or doing much of anything. When things are good, they are freaking spectacular and when they aren't, they REALLY aren't.

He didn't know about my holiday blues thing. In fact, up until this year, only Mrs. Jackson and Maple mama really knew and only because they lived with me for 4 years. Bernie, not sure.... I'm a terribly good actress - my own family doesn't even notice. I should win an academy award for my annual performance in this area.

I handled things in a less than exemplary fashion this year and that required an explanation. Now , I am not good at asking for help. You should all know that. So, I am not good at asking for help or support, and I am more than just "blue" and behaving less than well. You can imagine how this is going right?

So - on the one hand, the things that were settng me off, were valid. Completely so. On the other hand, I took it a little far in my responses. I admit it and acknowledge it and made my apologies for it - and it was met with the most patient and loving of responses. I was stunned. Literally. I expected a big "thing' and got a big "nothing". What I got was loving concern for my lack of sleep.... and lack of appetite. What I got was patience and time.

So I am working triple hard to bounce back now. It turns out that this is anxiety. Hunh. Wasn't actually expecting that. I jsut thought it was mild depression. It's exacerbated since my dad passed and I just thought that's what I was dealing with. Nope. Anxiety and it's a bit higher than it should be even for me at this time of year. It's considered moderate to high and I am not taking at this time, as generally this passes fairly quickly. I am working with a massage / reike therapist who is amazing and taking some herbs and this is helping. We will re-evaluate in 3 weeks.

In the meantime, I am really lucky that though my best friend is depressed, he is being supportive of my situation. We haven't really discussed it in detail yet, but I know we will and I know it will be OK. (He's on probabtion though for the initial cause of the meltdown because that's basic common courtesy crap and he knows it. )

So my secret it out. I'm sharing a lot of them lately. I can't believe I actually asked him for help and support and got it. I really didn't think it would happen.

But it did.

We're lucky people to have each other even though things are bad for us right now, we are working through that. I actually have hope now.

I even feel better for the first time in 4 weeks.

Maybe I'll sleep tonight.

Pssst - but I am reaping the benefits of the depressive weight loss - I have to say it - I look pretty good! ;-)