"Welcome to trust and control Anonymous. Hi, my name is The Contessa and I will be your poster child for Trust and Control Issues today. There's coffee in the back, pleases help yourselves. Lets go round the circle and introduce ourselves. "
I spent the weekend in the country celebrating my birthday and my best friends birthday ( his was 6 months ago, but due to holidays and what not requested that we push it off to the half year).
We have mutual friends who set this weekend up. One lives there and it was to Lily's house that we went. It was perfect - the weather was stunning, I had all new clothes for this event, everything was set up to be perfect.
But it was less than perfect. And I blame some of it on my self and some on my best friend. It occured to me that I am also not a good actress when the subject matter is near and dear to my heart. And yes, I knew going in that this weekend was going to be tough in that regard, but I was prepared for it. Or so I thought.
While it was still early, we sat around the patio, eating lunch and drinking cocktails. The sun was shining, it was warm and lovely. The property is gorgeous. It was very peaceful. My best friend is now talking about his daughter who recently passed away in fatal car crash in March and how today being Fathers day was going to be difficult for him. I have long since known this story but our mutual friends did not. I had gotten him a fathers day card, somewhat generic since he's not MY father, our spouse, or whatever. I added a famous Indian Memorial Poem "Do not weep for me..." and gave it to him. He read it, got the lump in his throat and proceeded to start the joke telling.
I first noticed the control problem that started to mask itself as jealousy. I think I may have explained this before but jealousy isn't an issue for me. If I appear jealous, dig for it, because something else is the root cause. But there was a new person at the party, single and he was working her over. I don't know why it bothered me this time when he always tries to put all people, newcomers and the like, at ease at a party. But it did. and I had no reason for it.
I acknowledge that I have trust issues. I do, I know I do, and I work very very hard at trusting people. If I let you into my inner circle and my heart, that doesn't necessarily mean that I trust you implicitly. That means I am willing to try. It can take years for me to truly trust someone implicitly. I can count on one hand, those who I trust that way.
I am of the belief that my inability to trust people is because I am afraid. I am afraid. Of lots of things, I am afraid that my heart be broken, I am afraid that if I trust someone, they will let me down, I am afraid that I am not worthy of THEIR trust either. I have a lot of fears in this area. I have been working on dealing with the fear and that's been going well actually. This is how I realized I have issues with trust.
There isn't anything wrong with the people I surround myself with except that they are human. The problem as I see it, is mine. I am always looking for the hidden agenda, or the duplicity, or whatever it is that may hurt me in the long run. Part of me says "Keep digging it's there. You can find it if you look hard enough" and Part of me says "Why Dig? Everyone in the world has their secrets and their faults - do you really need to dig for them? " I try to keep thinking about "Let thou who has no sin in their heart cast the first stone." ( There's a great joke that goes with that one too!)
I am not perfect - oh my lord - so far from it. I don't wish to be perfect. I wish to be the best person I can be. But in order to do that, I need to trust more. It ties into the control. I need to be in control all the time. When I am fully in control, I find it easier to trust people.
It's pretty messed up. Right?
So this weekend, my control issues showed themselves less than I thought, but they were there. And I knew it. For example, my best friend drove my car home today. I was tense. The entire time. Why? no one drives my car but me. But I hadn't slept that well, I was tired and he wanted to give me a break. I relaxed somewhere on I684, but it took me awhile. But I trust him. Mostly. And I am working on this. A lot. Especially now that I am aware of it.
I was stressed at the party in the evening and why? Because I wasn't in control and he was. I finally went inside to lie down on the bed for a few minutes. I just needed 10 minutes alone. My best friend showed up and sat down next to me. He talked soothingly for about 5 minutes and left to make me a Blueberry Martini. He had my best girl friend make that and pick a glass for me. I got up and walked outside. I sat down with my drink, and tried to relax.
I started feeling better. But no, still not comfortable.
It turned out that the only way that I was able to relax was to have more to drink. Not really my style and I did get the comment as we were getting ready for bed that I shouldn't try to match him drink for drink. I didn't actually notice that I was....
So, back to the party. He got up to make me another drink, kissed me and said he was happy I was feeling better. Came back out and told everyone that it was my actual birthday, not his, and we should be celebrating that.
It was sweet and very considerate but the reality of my problem here was that the true nature of our friendship is very much on the down low. I am OK with this overall as a plan for right now. It's not anyone's business but ours, but it does make me feel, at times, that I can't always be myself with our friends. I understand that necessity of this at this juncture and I wouldn't have it any other way, however, it just adds pressure for me. I'm not a good actress and I won't pretend to be.
In reviewing the situation it should be noted that I don't start out by NOT trusting people. I start out small. As people deliver on the expectations that I have, I trust more, and the stakes go higher. Serously I tend to keep the bar low for awhile without even realizing it. I have a number of good friends whom I love and trust, both IRL and virtually. It's through this core of people that I am better able to see what I need to do to improve in this area. They are loving, trusting people as a rule and I am trying to learn from their succeses in this area. I am truly blessed to see such role models in my life.
I look at my mom and step-dad. Honesty is brutal and unrelenting in that household. They pull no punches. They fight only in the present, there is no dredging up of the past during their actual disputes. I learned to fight from them. I don't bring up every mistake, and the reason is because, if you deal with it as it happens, it's already solved. I don't hold grudges and I don't have regrets. These are wastes of time and they zap your energy. But at the same time they are kind and considerate of one another. I learned that too.
I look at my friends marriages. I have two that I have watched over many years. Bernie and his wife are amongst my best friends and they are so well matched for one another. Oh yes, they fight... but they know each other's limits and they work at their relationship. It's always wonderful to be around them.... they make me realize the goodness in being married and having a family.
Jenna and her husband too. They are incredibly considerate of one another. They may not think so, but if you watch them and just observe, they really are. I have on more than one occasion called and had her husband tell me that he drew her a bath which is where she isand cannot be disturbed as she had a long tough day. He commutes every day to the city for work and they are one kid short of a basketball team. But for all the things that they have going for them and against them, they make it work and it's all about the love for their children and family and each other.
Scores more of my friends fall into this category. Maplemama is probably the most trusting person I have ever met. She just opens her heart automaticaly and without reservation. I have long been using her as a model for how to do this. She's amazing to me and I am blessed to know all these people.
Back to the party again. By the time we got home, I dropped Jenna off and I told her that I am wanting to hang in with this and see it through. I can only come out ahead here. I know that. The problems I have, right now, are mine alone and I know that. The trust thing is a little like freefalling. I have to let go and just do it. The same thing with control. Once when I was in Junior high, I was dating a wonderful boy, my first true love. The only thing he ever wanted was for me to trust him. he used to stand behind me and say "close your eyes and fall backwards. I promise to catch you." I couldn't do it.
She responded that she was glad I decided to do that. She feels that it will come out right in the end too. The last thing she said to me as I was getting in the car was, For what it's worth, My best friend contributed more to my gift than anyone else did. She explained the contribution and he said he knew, but that this is what he wanted to give me.
I have no good reason in this world not to trust this man. Really and truly, not one. Yes, he has made some mistakes, and yes he has made up for them, acnowledged them and apologized for them. I have made some mistakes, some of the same ones no less. As long as the communication and honesty is happening I can't ask for more. But for all the mistakes that have been made, a lot of good things have happened too. More so than the bad. We jokingly call it the learning curve. Some days it's a short curve and others painfully long.
I guess I need to try free falling..... just a lil' bit.
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Wednesday, June 13, 2007
Quit Following me!!! We aren't friends!!!
I heard some news today.
It wasn't my favorite and my reaction was more or less to be expected.
I was on my team call and leader announces that our procurement liason from customer is moving on after just barely a year. Not great news as we really liked her.
He goes on to mention that her replacement is Pro-competition vendor A ( not good news for us) and came from company A.
I speak up and ask "Is this person from Company A male or female?"
Leader responds "Male."
"Do you know his name?" I ask.
" I can't recall it. " he says.
"It wouldn't be Obnoxious Customer would it?" I ask
"Yes!! That's it!!! Do you know him?" leader asks....
I inwardly groan as I say exasperatingly....
"That guy is a jackass".
everyone laughs and tells me the usual "tell us how you really feel". I then say
"And that's the nicest thing I can say about him"
I go on to explain WHY I know this.
when I started my career at Top3TelecomCompany, I supported Obnoxious Customer's account at Company A. He left. I worked the year out. Then I was tranferred to Larger Company B. I happily supported this account for a year, then Obnoxious Customer Joined Larger Company B in NY. Not only do I now have to deal with him, but I am forced to see him week in and week out in his office. What joy for me. I then left that account in order to go to the Largest Company C that I currently support. I have been here now for 4 years.
He joined largest Company C on Monday. I am disgusted. Why Can't he leave me alone???? He's not a nice person, he screws people over all the time, his hidden agenda makes me nuts and to top it off there's the unethical behaviour that always makes me batty.
So I ping my director on IM and ask hiim it's true. He said simply:
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We both supported Company A and B in our recent past so both know what we are dealing with. Poor leader doesn't. So now I have to have a chat with him.
To top it all off, because of the long standing relationship I had with Company B, I developed quite a lot of friends there that I retain to this day. One of them lost her job 2 months ago because Obnoxious customer took her position after telling her he wasn't going to. Then he left 7 weeks later.
I couldn't get off that call to talk to her fast enough. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Again. My director had a chat with her too ( we all worked together years ago ) last night for an hour.
I am planning to stay far away from this guys radar. Given his position and my historical lack of interaction at that level, it shouldn't be too hard.
Like I need more pressure ???? Lovely.
It wasn't my favorite and my reaction was more or less to be expected.
I was on my team call and leader announces that our procurement liason from customer is moving on after just barely a year. Not great news as we really liked her.
He goes on to mention that her replacement is Pro-competition vendor A ( not good news for us) and came from company A.
I speak up and ask "Is this person from Company A male or female?"
Leader responds "Male."
"Do you know his name?" I ask.
" I can't recall it. " he says.
"It wouldn't be Obnoxious Customer would it?" I ask
"Yes!! That's it!!! Do you know him?" leader asks....
I inwardly groan as I say exasperatingly....
"That guy is a jackass".
everyone laughs and tells me the usual "tell us how you really feel". I then say
"And that's the nicest thing I can say about him"
I go on to explain WHY I know this.
when I started my career at Top3TelecomCompany, I supported Obnoxious Customer's account at Company A. He left. I worked the year out. Then I was tranferred to Larger Company B. I happily supported this account for a year, then Obnoxious Customer Joined Larger Company B in NY. Not only do I now have to deal with him, but I am forced to see him week in and week out in his office. What joy for me. I then left that account in order to go to the Largest Company C that I currently support. I have been here now for 4 years.
He joined largest Company C on Monday. I am disgusted. Why Can't he leave me alone???? He's not a nice person, he screws people over all the time, his hidden agenda makes me nuts and to top it off there's the unethical behaviour that always makes me batty.
So I ping my director on IM and ask hiim it's true. He said simply:
YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We both supported Company A and B in our recent past so both know what we are dealing with. Poor leader doesn't. So now I have to have a chat with him.
To top it all off, because of the long standing relationship I had with Company B, I developed quite a lot of friends there that I retain to this day. One of them lost her job 2 months ago because Obnoxious customer took her position after telling her he wasn't going to. Then he left 7 weeks later.
I couldn't get off that call to talk to her fast enough. I couldn't believe this was happening to me. Again. My director had a chat with her too ( we all worked together years ago ) last night for an hour.
I am planning to stay far away from this guys radar. Given his position and my historical lack of interaction at that level, it shouldn't be too hard.
Like I need more pressure ???? Lovely.
The Rubber Band
You know how I keep referring to living life in the middle?
Well I came across this bit on my God Daughter's IM profile. She's a teenager and she thinks she's in luv. She's gorgeous and talented and of course I am not biased in any way. But she and I have never discussed this. So I found it interesting that this was on her profile.
"Life is a series of pulls, back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle... Which side wins? Love wins. Love always wins."
Now, I had to admit that I laughed when I read it. Evidently it means that I am not the only crazy person in this world. I had to find that entertaining really. I mean, she's 16. She gets it at 16. You know what I was doing at 16 ? My head was more than likely up my ass. She shocks me every day with the depth of her perception and intelligence. And she scares me every day with the exact same things. Because she is only 16.
But be that as it may. I think that people as a rule do tend to live in the middle and that's how and where they draw the strength to ride the waves into the peaks and valleys. Let's face it, no one should charge into those peaks and valleys without some degree of strength.
Which explained why I received the advice "Don't make any major life changes" after my dad died. Sadly, I had little control over that but I do truly understand why. I hadn't had enough "coasting" time in the middle to recuperate to handle the job change and moving out of my home a month later, and buying a new home all in the same 12 months. It forced me to put off grieving for a year. Which was not the healthiest thing to do.
It's that intensity that youth approach any given situation with that still makes me wonder. I look at my approaches to the same situations ( on paper) and realize that the only reason that I am more successful now, is that with age comes wisdom.
But that wisdom started in my youth. I looked at human nature a bit and discovered that we really encounter the same types of situations over and over again in our lives. The only thing that is different is how we respond and react to them. And here's where the wisdom comes in.
And how did we get that wisdom and the strength to act using it? By living in the middle of the rubber band and coasting while we recuperate and regain our strength.
Well I came across this bit on my God Daughter's IM profile. She's a teenager and she thinks she's in luv. She's gorgeous and talented and of course I am not biased in any way. But she and I have never discussed this. So I found it interesting that this was on her profile.
"Life is a series of pulls, back and forth. You want to do one thing, but you are bound to do something else. Something hurts you, yet you know it shouldn't. You take certain things for granted, even when you know you should never take anything for granted. A tension of opposites, like a pull on a rubber band. And most of us live somewhere in the middle... Which side wins? Love wins. Love always wins."
Now, I had to admit that I laughed when I read it. Evidently it means that I am not the only crazy person in this world. I had to find that entertaining really. I mean, she's 16. She gets it at 16. You know what I was doing at 16 ? My head was more than likely up my ass. She shocks me every day with the depth of her perception and intelligence. And she scares me every day with the exact same things. Because she is only 16.
But be that as it may. I think that people as a rule do tend to live in the middle and that's how and where they draw the strength to ride the waves into the peaks and valleys. Let's face it, no one should charge into those peaks and valleys without some degree of strength.
Which explained why I received the advice "Don't make any major life changes" after my dad died. Sadly, I had little control over that but I do truly understand why. I hadn't had enough "coasting" time in the middle to recuperate to handle the job change and moving out of my home a month later, and buying a new home all in the same 12 months. It forced me to put off grieving for a year. Which was not the healthiest thing to do.
It's that intensity that youth approach any given situation with that still makes me wonder. I look at my approaches to the same situations ( on paper) and realize that the only reason that I am more successful now, is that with age comes wisdom.
But that wisdom started in my youth. I looked at human nature a bit and discovered that we really encounter the same types of situations over and over again in our lives. The only thing that is different is how we respond and react to them. And here's where the wisdom comes in.
And how did we get that wisdom and the strength to act using it? By living in the middle of the rubber band and coasting while we recuperate and regain our strength.
On complacency
I resemble that remark.
Now that the weight started to come off, I stopped exercizing.
Now it hasn't caught up to me yet. But I suspect it's going to rise up and bite me pretty soon.
Now, what I am speaking of, is conventional exercize. I am moving more in general and adding activity where there once was none. some it lots of fun and some of it not so much. I walk the stairs more often, I park further away. I even dance in my own living room. I play actively with my friends kids ( and LORD are they active!).
But I did my abs and pushups today and discovered that in the last two weeks, I have missed it.
So I am going to go back to the walking and pilates. I need my resistance built up so I can start the weight training. I really miss that. It was once my favorite activity. So I need to get in slightly better shape to get back to it.
so here's my pledge:
I, The Contessa, Pledge that I will resume my original activity schedule of pilates Monday Wednesday and Friday and walking Tuesday and Thursday for the remainder of June. At which time, I will move the walking to every day at 8 AM and move Pilates to Tuesdays and Thursdays and add in Weight training in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
I also Pledge to continue abs and pushups every day of the week. I pledge to write down my actvity in addition to my food in my journal.
I commit to this plan of activity because it will ultimately make me look, feel and be happier and healthier in the long run.
Now that the weight started to come off, I stopped exercizing.
Now it hasn't caught up to me yet. But I suspect it's going to rise up and bite me pretty soon.
Now, what I am speaking of, is conventional exercize. I am moving more in general and adding activity where there once was none. some it lots of fun and some of it not so much. I walk the stairs more often, I park further away. I even dance in my own living room. I play actively with my friends kids ( and LORD are they active!).
But I did my abs and pushups today and discovered that in the last two weeks, I have missed it.
So I am going to go back to the walking and pilates. I need my resistance built up so I can start the weight training. I really miss that. It was once my favorite activity. So I need to get in slightly better shape to get back to it.
so here's my pledge:
I, The Contessa, Pledge that I will resume my original activity schedule of pilates Monday Wednesday and Friday and walking Tuesday and Thursday for the remainder of June. At which time, I will move the walking to every day at 8 AM and move Pilates to Tuesdays and Thursdays and add in Weight training in on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.
I also Pledge to continue abs and pushups every day of the week. I pledge to write down my actvity in addition to my food in my journal.
I commit to this plan of activity because it will ultimately make me look, feel and be happier and healthier in the long run.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
On Being MIA
Yes yes yes. I have been MIA for a few days.
My Birthday was exceedingly wonderful and fantastically busy. I did exactly what I wanted to do that day.
I opened my day up with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Large, Blueberry with Skim milk and two Splenda.
I headed to church in the overcast, seriously threatening to rain weather. Our outdoor service became an Indoor service.
My priest was back after a day off following a running accident where he broke and dislocated some bones. For me it was nice, because he issued my birthday blessing. My stepmom didn't remember that it was my birthday, but Ellie did. Ellie's the mom of my friend with the same name and birthday as I have. She came in, walked right over to me, gave me a huge hug and kiss and wished me a happy birthday. Then her grandchildren came in and hugged and kissed me and told me that it was pretty weird that mommy's friend has the same birthday and name as their mom. They are adorable.
After church, I was wondering what was up with step mom - she has been weird towards me. Lately. So I was talking with her on our way to the Church BBQ and we talked for hours. About the subjects that we have been avoiding too. Not that this has anything to do with "our" relationship, but it plays off us both as individuals. we cleared a lot of air. I feel better and I think she does too. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I could have done. Turns out I didn't. Nor did she. It's just that there are times when things are happening that affect us both that we can't talk about it. But we talk about everything, so it becomes eaiser to just avoid the other one till things have been sorted out in our own heads. I still have a secret I am keeping from her ( and the rest of my family and friends) until the time is right. But I retain that right as it only affects me. Not them.
I changed my clothes and went to my performance - it went really well. AND the whole group PLUS the audience sang Happy Birthday to me.... I almost died....! I was so not prepared for that.... My coach is a funny one.
Concert over, I went home and showered. I laid down to try and have a nap but I was still suffering the performance high. At 9 PM I went and picked up my best friend and we had our movie night - which was awesome. We watched some great flicks. Original version of the Producers - funny funny funny!!!! The Holiday. Good - but slow moving on the England half of the story. Good night all around.
The next day I was supposed to have the day off. I slept till 10 but went to work at 11:30. So my boss told me to call it off and take another day if I wanted. So I worked the remainder of the day ( shhh I took a nap in the middle as I was up later than normal!) and I taught my kids and was trying to catch up on my log reading and trying to write this post..... when the screen was blurring in front of my eyes. I went to bed. I couldn't stay awake another second.
It was a lovely though Busy day. I have next weeked too.... I will be MIA next weekend as well.... but that's OK. It will be fun and I will tell you all about it come Monday.
In the meantime - the positive thing is working well. And it's getting easier. try it!
My Birthday was exceedingly wonderful and fantastically busy. I did exactly what I wanted to do that day.
I opened my day up with Dunkin Donuts coffee. Large, Blueberry with Skim milk and two Splenda.
I headed to church in the overcast, seriously threatening to rain weather. Our outdoor service became an Indoor service.
My priest was back after a day off following a running accident where he broke and dislocated some bones. For me it was nice, because he issued my birthday blessing. My stepmom didn't remember that it was my birthday, but Ellie did. Ellie's the mom of my friend with the same name and birthday as I have. She came in, walked right over to me, gave me a huge hug and kiss and wished me a happy birthday. Then her grandchildren came in and hugged and kissed me and told me that it was pretty weird that mommy's friend has the same birthday and name as their mom. They are adorable.
After church, I was wondering what was up with step mom - she has been weird towards me. Lately. So I was talking with her on our way to the Church BBQ and we talked for hours. About the subjects that we have been avoiding too. Not that this has anything to do with "our" relationship, but it plays off us both as individuals. we cleared a lot of air. I feel better and I think she does too. I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I could have done. Turns out I didn't. Nor did she. It's just that there are times when things are happening that affect us both that we can't talk about it. But we talk about everything, so it becomes eaiser to just avoid the other one till things have been sorted out in our own heads. I still have a secret I am keeping from her ( and the rest of my family and friends) until the time is right. But I retain that right as it only affects me. Not them.
I changed my clothes and went to my performance - it went really well. AND the whole group PLUS the audience sang Happy Birthday to me.... I almost died....! I was so not prepared for that.... My coach is a funny one.
Concert over, I went home and showered. I laid down to try and have a nap but I was still suffering the performance high. At 9 PM I went and picked up my best friend and we had our movie night - which was awesome. We watched some great flicks. Original version of the Producers - funny funny funny!!!! The Holiday. Good - but slow moving on the England half of the story. Good night all around.
The next day I was supposed to have the day off. I slept till 10 but went to work at 11:30. So my boss told me to call it off and take another day if I wanted. So I worked the remainder of the day ( shhh I took a nap in the middle as I was up later than normal!) and I taught my kids and was trying to catch up on my log reading and trying to write this post..... when the screen was blurring in front of my eyes. I went to bed. I couldn't stay awake another second.
It was a lovely though Busy day. I have next weeked too.... I will be MIA next weekend as well.... but that's OK. It will be fun and I will tell you all about it come Monday.
In the meantime - the positive thing is working well. And it's getting easier. try it!
Saturday, June 09, 2007
Looking at the positive
I have a birthday coming up in roughly 12 hours.
On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.
That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).
As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.
As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"
I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.
If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.
I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.
But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.
This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.
That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.
I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.
Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.
She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.
Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.
One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.
It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.
But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.
Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.
When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.
An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.
We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.
Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.
So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.
Some things I am proud of:
1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.
I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.
I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )
On that day I have a performance with a group of people who may not be the best at what they do but are so unbelievably lovely and warm and welcoming that I can't possibly say no to them ever.
That of course is following the Outdoor church service and BBQ at church. Where my friend and I will have our birthdays blessed ( we have the same name, same spelling and were born on the same day... very bizarre).
As of last week, I was supposed to order in dinner and watch a movie with my best friend.
As men go he's pretty good most of the time but even he can mess things up pretty bad. He made plans with someone he wants to be involved with ( it's a long story and very boring) on that day because we are also celebrating our mutual birthdays the following weekend with friends. I absolutley stared at him as he was saying it and he faltered annd looked at me and said "your ACTUAL birthday is Sunday. OK I just officially blocked out the day and I'm all yours as we planned - I screwed up"
I should be happy but I was annoyed by that. I would have expected that he wouldn't need a freaking reminder after all these years. But everyone is not a walking calendar so I let it go. It was when I finally verbalized it that it stopped bothering me. I mean, he really did do the right thing. I just got mad that he would blow off his best friend for someone who doesn't even want him the way he wants her.
If you've ever seen the episode of Friends where Phoebe reads out Joey for breaking their date for another woman and then goes and breaks their date herself because HAnk Azaria is back fron Minsk for one day only - this is like that. Only we are the Ross and Rachel of our group.
I had dinner with my family today on the water at a lovely restaurant. I ate more food today than I have eaten all week. The same goes for last night. I actually got nautious. which is a first. I fell asleep when I got home too for about 30 minutes while waiting for neighbor to come over for a quick drink.
But I had a good early birthday gift - I went to Weight Watchers and stood on the scale - 6.2 lbs in the last 3 weeks for a grand total of 13.4! Happy Birthday to me.
This is the last year I am sharing my age too.... hence forth you all better keep track if you really want to know. A lady doesn't share her age.
That's enough about the birthday. I want to talk about the real gift I gave myself this year. Looking at the positive. I tend to be a glass half full person to start with but time and circumstances can cause a person to be somewhat jaded and a loss of perspective.
I am reading a book by Alexandra Stoddard called the Art of the positive. I highly recommend it. It teaches you how to live your live and enjoy it. If you are like me, and you work for a person who tends toward the crazy and tyrannical, it can tend to make YOU as much of a workaholic as they are. The trick is, take the time that is actually yours and use it. If you are required t o work from 8-5 and you are entitled to a one hour lunch break, start your work at 8., take your 1 hour and leave at 5. You will find that when you use the time that is yours in a way that is pleasing to you, you are better equipped to do your job and therefore do it better.
Now I work in an environment that can support this plan but not always. So I, along wi th my team, take comp time for overtime that we work since we do not get any other financial reimbursement. And we do this when it is excessive. Starting at 4 hours and going up from there. We never used to do it, we do it now.
She also suggests with work that when you are no longer excited by your job, but you love your career choice, it's time to take you career to the next level. I took a long look at my career. I love my job, I do it well. I am good at it. I am not ready to take it to the next level or leave. Not yet.
Making "possibilities" into "realities" is not easy, but it can be done with a little bit of change.
One of the other things I received this week was from my sales guy. He sent me an email that is titled two choices.
It basically says that Every situation that comes up in life gives us two choices, either we react negatively or we find the positive message in it. It's a long email so I won't post it here, it's very cute and has funny moments and serious ones. If you want me to send it to you, post a request in the comments and I will be more than happy to forward it on. It is not a chain - I hate those things. it's just a nice message.
But it made me think. I was having a pretty crappy day when he sent it. Work was not going well. So when I saw that it mae me smile and made me think.
Each day I get up as if it were on purpose now. I also get up with an attitude of positivity. I decide that today will be a good day and even better than yesterday.
When I am faced with a situation or challenge ( I no longer allow the word "problem" to exist in that capacity), I look at it from the perspective of what good can come of this.
An example is my best friend's recent stupidity. I was hurt, he knew it and knew he screwed up. He corrected it immediately and apologized. Now. I can look at this and say well obviously this chick is more important to him than I am. OR I can say, he recognized his mistake and realizes what is important and changed his agenad accordingly - he is human after all.
We are human beings. We sometimes screw up and if you screw something up, you need to fix it as soon as you recognize the screw up. I once forgot I had to teach a kid. the mother called me very angry that it was so late and I never showed and never called. I immediately looked at my calendar, apologized, made a new date and didn't charge her due to my negligence.
Being Positive is what makes things possible. That and hard work. and Hard Play.
So on this my 38th year ( ha this is the last notification you will get of the actual age people!), I have reviewed the things that I have learned and I have looked ahead to the things I want to accomplish.
Some things I am proud of:
1. My First Vocal recital. It was spectacular and I have to thank Bernie, Jax and Voice Twin for helping me.
2. I can lose weight when I really do what I am supposed to. the whole package.
3. My heart is not frozen in time. It is warm and capable of loving and accepting love.
4. My spirituality is humming along nicely.
5. When you love yourself enough to take care of yourself, love from others naturally follows.
6. My family is insane. They are crazy. They are amazing - and they are mine and I love them.
7. My friends are an Incredible and eclectic group. I don't dare name them all for fear I will miss one as I am tired. But I am lucky lucky girl. I have amazing people in my life.
8. My dad may be gone from earth but he's with me when I need him.
9. Perfection isn't a realistic or good goal. Being the best that I can be in everything that I do is a better choice. Just by doing the best that I can will make me a stronger, more positive and better person. This goes for my music, my career, being a good friend, being spiritually strong, communicating better all of it. perfection sometimes leads you to being a perfect failure. So be the best you can be. Geez I sound like an ad for the armed forces.
10. Fight fair. Don't bring up the past, stay in the present and fight about the current situation. Put it to rest before you go to bed.
I am counting down now.... I have 12 hours an 55 minutes left on this year.
I'm vitually blowing out my candles with you and making my wish for this year. ( I can't tell or it won't come true )
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
The Plan: Month 5 - the birthday doth approacheth
Month 5 was a really crazy month full of more ups and more downs than I think I have had in the last 12 months. I made a lot of progress in almost all areas.....at least the ones that were important to me this month.
Scenario 1 - Health
Exercise: I am maintaining my exercize plan though I took a few days off this week for good behaviour. truthfully I took a few days off to accommodate some work issues. I will be going back tomorrow.
Food - Hit a lovely plateau and then moved past it. I'm very happy about that and noticing that my appetite has actually decreased. AND I am no longer emotionally eating. I do need more veggies but fruit and dairy is kicking some nice booty.
Journal - I continue to journal every single day. Every bite of food, every bit of activity. I have added a space for my daily weight taken in the morning. My daily resting heart rate. I check my blood pressure once in the morning when I wake up and again before I go to bed. Unless I feel really stressed or pressured. Then I check it again to see where it's at. It's a good gauge because I really do tend to internalize things. I have been better about it. but it does factor into the blood pressure.
Overall Health Management - I went back on the birth control pills with no adverse reaction to blood pressure. Yay me. I hate not being on them. For a variety of reasons.
Scenario 2 - Job/Career
Leader is making me a little bit nuts. He doesn't think before he speaks. His answer when face with a problem, change whose addressing it. I feel undervalued and expressed that. I feel that I am taking the bulk of the heat from him when he is called on the carpet by his boss. I have expressed to him that I feel like he is forcing me out of a job and he thought I was crazy. Which I may be. One of the things my team has noticed is he likes pushing the button for job insecurity with me. So I had a heart to heart with Poodle and decided that I was not going to respond or react to those danglers. Instead I will address the content through which they are coming from only. If a defense is needed, it will be succinct and not reactionary. I am deciding that I am going to be in a good mood at work and that everything is going to be awesome every day. It worked today and I was busy as hell, but in a great mood and very productive.
Scenario 3 - My home
House is still clean - in fact it's being cleaned tomorrow. I lost the vacuum cleaner bags. I found them as soon as I bought new ones - Argh! so I won't need new ones for quite some time. I still haven't taken the time to change my curtains and slip covers. Maybe we'll do that on my birthday.....
Scenario 4 - finances
Got paid some extra $$$ for working the recital for my kids - I wish I had been in a better frame of mind to enjoy it more. But it was a panicky thing for me.
I got my car serviced, got my inspection done and now I need to get my new registration.
The IRS rudely sucked up all of my tax refund and the bad news is I still owe - but it's much lower now.... so that's good. I just keep paying them monthly.... You know what they say - nothing is guaranteed except death and taxes!
Scenario 5 - Education
My last kid FINALLY went to competition. NO idea how he did score-wise. But all accounts say he kicked BUTT. He was a nervous wreck. He's so adorable and has so much talent and promise.
My two other voice students came back with 28's - perfect scores on their songs. I couldn't have been prouder of them both. All my kids did so well this year. I'm thrilled for them.
I am singing a solo from Brigadoon ON my birthday. Waitin' for my dearie. Oh dearie....
Lessons are still going well. I am most likely not going back to Bel Canto in the fall. I doubt they will even have a new director since my coach turned in his resignation after the last concert. I am more or less disgusted by the situation political and otherwise. My step mom, while I love her, will never be able to support a new director since my dad. We just had our third one separate and she turns on all of them the minute they make an error. it's like she has everything scripted, but they aren't allowed to see the script. So if they go off script, they get written out of the final act. I can't continue to participate in a group that operates like this. So I'll take a semester or two off for sure and see where they end up. I hate to abandon ship but it's not right.
Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
My family is wonderful. My sister looks well, Munch is a stunning and wonderful baby. Anna Banana is quite the charmer now - smiling and flriting with everyone. Sucking on beer bottles ( her fathers idea and they are empty). My parents were in good form. We had a lovely early Fathers day in NJ. It was the anniversary of my dad's passing. I miss him a lot but I really try to live my life to make him proud.
I am still spending a lot of time with my best friend. It's definately interesting. It's definately proven to me that I am willing to stand up for myself when needed and stand my ground when I am right. It has also taught me about apology ( his not mine) and showed me a lot of what's important to me is also important to him.
I am spending a lot of time with my best girl friend here in town too. I am starting to teach her son piano in exchange for laundry which is a dream for me. I hate doing laundry. I resent paying for it in my own building. So this arrangement works out for both of us. I love her family and her so much - they are so good to me. I am very lucky to have them in my world.
Scenario 7 - Self esteem
OK learned a LOT last month. A real lot. I have to say, living life in the middle is safe. Very safe. "Nothings gonna harm you, not while I'm around" runs through my head when I think of living in the middle.
But it's boring. Once I realized that life is about the ups and downs. And the middle. I was able to experience those things fully and enjoy them for what they are. Learn from them if they are mistakes.
I am probably living my life for better or worse and experiencing it for the first time in years. I am enjoying and savoring it, and I get some awesome stories to tell later. ( See the post on throwing a drink NOT a glass- it was a hoot!)
My self esteem is steadly going up or maintaining. In some areas I still feel lacking a bit but I am learning how to deal with that and improve myself as well.
Scenario - Faith
I saw my priest for some counseling. it was probably the single best thing I did in the month of May. While I really don't want or need to divulge the details of the session, I walked away taking part of the advice fairly immediately and tucking some away for some future date when I may or may not need it.
I am attending church weekly again. Something about the ritual makes me feel closer to God when I am there. I pray while I am there, not just go through the motions. I sing I rejoice and no matter how bad things feel at the time, I am loved there. By God and by Fr Chris and by my fellow parish family. It's a good place to be and a good thing to do. I sang a funeral there for a friend's grandfather 2 weeks ago. I spent Mother's day with that family as well. ( after being with my own mother of course).
Scenario - Inner Goddess
Tried the eyelash extensions. Not sure if we'll go back to well on that one again, but if I do they will be shorter for sure. They appear to be high maintenancec.
The green contacts are ME!!!! I love them - this is it.
Hair is colored. Hair is cut - too short. but it grows.
Had the pedicure.
Need to see Dentist still and dermatologist.
Bought new clothes - they are stunning. I look good them.
Overall I am pleased with the work that I have done here. I am continuing to do the work and make the progress. I am down 10 lbs. My WW attendance is low but I plan to bring that back up.
I am taking charge again. Watch out.
Scenario 1 - Health
Exercise: I am maintaining my exercize plan though I took a few days off this week for good behaviour. truthfully I took a few days off to accommodate some work issues. I will be going back tomorrow.
Food - Hit a lovely plateau and then moved past it. I'm very happy about that and noticing that my appetite has actually decreased. AND I am no longer emotionally eating. I do need more veggies but fruit and dairy is kicking some nice booty.
Journal - I continue to journal every single day. Every bite of food, every bit of activity. I have added a space for my daily weight taken in the morning. My daily resting heart rate. I check my blood pressure once in the morning when I wake up and again before I go to bed. Unless I feel really stressed or pressured. Then I check it again to see where it's at. It's a good gauge because I really do tend to internalize things. I have been better about it. but it does factor into the blood pressure.
Overall Health Management - I went back on the birth control pills with no adverse reaction to blood pressure. Yay me. I hate not being on them. For a variety of reasons.
Scenario 2 - Job/Career
Leader is making me a little bit nuts. He doesn't think before he speaks. His answer when face with a problem, change whose addressing it. I feel undervalued and expressed that. I feel that I am taking the bulk of the heat from him when he is called on the carpet by his boss. I have expressed to him that I feel like he is forcing me out of a job and he thought I was crazy. Which I may be. One of the things my team has noticed is he likes pushing the button for job insecurity with me. So I had a heart to heart with Poodle and decided that I was not going to respond or react to those danglers. Instead I will address the content through which they are coming from only. If a defense is needed, it will be succinct and not reactionary. I am deciding that I am going to be in a good mood at work and that everything is going to be awesome every day. It worked today and I was busy as hell, but in a great mood and very productive.
Scenario 3 - My home
House is still clean - in fact it's being cleaned tomorrow. I lost the vacuum cleaner bags. I found them as soon as I bought new ones - Argh! so I won't need new ones for quite some time. I still haven't taken the time to change my curtains and slip covers. Maybe we'll do that on my birthday.....
Scenario 4 - finances
Got paid some extra $$$ for working the recital for my kids - I wish I had been in a better frame of mind to enjoy it more. But it was a panicky thing for me.
I got my car serviced, got my inspection done and now I need to get my new registration.
The IRS rudely sucked up all of my tax refund and the bad news is I still owe - but it's much lower now.... so that's good. I just keep paying them monthly.... You know what they say - nothing is guaranteed except death and taxes!
Scenario 5 - Education
My last kid FINALLY went to competition. NO idea how he did score-wise. But all accounts say he kicked BUTT. He was a nervous wreck. He's so adorable and has so much talent and promise.
My two other voice students came back with 28's - perfect scores on their songs. I couldn't have been prouder of them both. All my kids did so well this year. I'm thrilled for them.
I am singing a solo from Brigadoon ON my birthday. Waitin' for my dearie. Oh dearie....
Lessons are still going well. I am most likely not going back to Bel Canto in the fall. I doubt they will even have a new director since my coach turned in his resignation after the last concert. I am more or less disgusted by the situation political and otherwise. My step mom, while I love her, will never be able to support a new director since my dad. We just had our third one separate and she turns on all of them the minute they make an error. it's like she has everything scripted, but they aren't allowed to see the script. So if they go off script, they get written out of the final act. I can't continue to participate in a group that operates like this. So I'll take a semester or two off for sure and see where they end up. I hate to abandon ship but it's not right.
Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
My family is wonderful. My sister looks well, Munch is a stunning and wonderful baby. Anna Banana is quite the charmer now - smiling and flriting with everyone. Sucking on beer bottles ( her fathers idea and they are empty). My parents were in good form. We had a lovely early Fathers day in NJ. It was the anniversary of my dad's passing. I miss him a lot but I really try to live my life to make him proud.
I am still spending a lot of time with my best friend. It's definately interesting. It's definately proven to me that I am willing to stand up for myself when needed and stand my ground when I am right. It has also taught me about apology ( his not mine) and showed me a lot of what's important to me is also important to him.
I am spending a lot of time with my best girl friend here in town too. I am starting to teach her son piano in exchange for laundry which is a dream for me. I hate doing laundry. I resent paying for it in my own building. So this arrangement works out for both of us. I love her family and her so much - they are so good to me. I am very lucky to have them in my world.
Scenario 7 - Self esteem
OK learned a LOT last month. A real lot. I have to say, living life in the middle is safe. Very safe. "Nothings gonna harm you, not while I'm around" runs through my head when I think of living in the middle.
But it's boring. Once I realized that life is about the ups and downs. And the middle. I was able to experience those things fully and enjoy them for what they are. Learn from them if they are mistakes.
I am probably living my life for better or worse and experiencing it for the first time in years. I am enjoying and savoring it, and I get some awesome stories to tell later. ( See the post on throwing a drink NOT a glass- it was a hoot!)
My self esteem is steadly going up or maintaining. In some areas I still feel lacking a bit but I am learning how to deal with that and improve myself as well.
Scenario - Faith
I saw my priest for some counseling. it was probably the single best thing I did in the month of May. While I really don't want or need to divulge the details of the session, I walked away taking part of the advice fairly immediately and tucking some away for some future date when I may or may not need it.
I am attending church weekly again. Something about the ritual makes me feel closer to God when I am there. I pray while I am there, not just go through the motions. I sing I rejoice and no matter how bad things feel at the time, I am loved there. By God and by Fr Chris and by my fellow parish family. It's a good place to be and a good thing to do. I sang a funeral there for a friend's grandfather 2 weeks ago. I spent Mother's day with that family as well. ( after being with my own mother of course).
Scenario - Inner Goddess
Tried the eyelash extensions. Not sure if we'll go back to well on that one again, but if I do they will be shorter for sure. They appear to be high maintenancec.
The green contacts are ME!!!! I love them - this is it.
Hair is colored. Hair is cut - too short. but it grows.
Had the pedicure.
Need to see Dentist still and dermatologist.
Bought new clothes - they are stunning. I look good them.
Overall I am pleased with the work that I have done here. I am continuing to do the work and make the progress. I am down 10 lbs. My WW attendance is low but I plan to bring that back up.
I am taking charge again. Watch out.
Monday, June 04, 2007
Pappa Do - I love you
"Life is the first gift, Love the second and understanding the third"
Marge Piercy
This quote says so much.
We are given life - a blank canvas, or a blank screen, or a blank sheet of staff paper. We are taught values, letters, numbers, speech.
We are taught HOW to love. And how to receive love.
But understanding as a gift? Many of us don't receive that until it's hind sight.
So it is with some hindsight understanding that I write this particular post.
A man helped create my life. He was my father. He helped raise me, thought not always in the conventional sense. Though he was the more conventional of my parents, circumstances didn't always allow him to raise us in the conventional method.
"Whatever is Flexible and loving will bend and grow. Whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die."
Lao Tzu
Some might say that my dad was far from flexible. In some respects that is true. He refused to bend on commitment - you either made the commitment and followed through with it or you didn't, He didn't bend on striving for excellence - meaning he wished things to be as good or as excellent as possible but not perfect. He was very flexible when it came to some life lessons and very flexible when it came to loving his family. He was very flexible in loving God.
My dad and God had a huge falling out when I was about 8 years old. That was the year he moved out of our home. My father was raised by a very religious Methodist family. So for him to decide that he and God were through was pretty rough. He maintained his jobs with the churches but he did not take us.
My father felt that God had abandoned him when his marriage fell apart. As an adult, I can completely understand how he got to that conclusion. I really can. I can't imagine being in his shoes.
"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you to give."
Eleanor Roosevelt
My dad would not have met my stepmom if he hadn't accepted the hand dealt to him in the divorce. Two people who spent their lives together having fun. Each one alone would not have had nearly the adventure that the two of them created together. To be sure, it wasn't always fun and games. But the pictures that I look back on, and they are considerablem are full of fun, happy faces, jokes being told.
" I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth, and truth rewarded me."
Simone de Beauvoir
In looking back on my relationship with my dad, I had a good one as a small child but there were a number of years in the middle that I can't speak to. My later teens and early 20's more specifically. It was when my dad called me and asked me if I would sing in his church choir as a favor to him and the choir that I have just resigned from, that our bond re-formed in a new fashion. A good Fashion. We had our music and that's what our center or truth was. When things didn't go right, we always had that to return to. I can honestly look back at having two very different relationships with my dad. Once I was willing to give up the emptiness of his not living in our home anymore, I was rewarded with a new, better relationship.
Loss is tough to deal with at any time. There is a common misconception that over time the wounds heal, we apply bandaids and promise never to look again, but they don't heal. The wounds stay there but they change. They become wonderful memorials to the person who is gone. Memories replace the pain. The pain in dulls into something manageable on a day to day basis.
I have been beastly for the past few weeks. Thoughtless in some cases, angry and defensive in others, weepy in still others and wildly happy at other times. Each emotion was a 'times 10' to the normal reality of my life. And while I do have certain circumstances that helped pull those along, I reacted to even the most mundane things more vehemently than I normally tend to.
It was a bit of a shock, when I sat in the bar Friday night listening to the last strains of "my life" by the Beatles die down as my best friend finished strumming his guitar. I got a little bit choked up. It took me by surprise because he had played that at another friend's father's funeral - not my dad's. But still, it really hit home.
I blinked back the tears as he started on his next tune and it dawned on me that Saturday was the 4 year marker of my dad's passing. I am not the type to dwell on those dates and things. I know the month perhaps, but that's usually it. I commented to my friend on his break that I was surprised it snuck up on me like that. He commented that I may not have conscioulsy known it but my behavior has been giving me away. Everything was not just reacted to but over reacted to, nothing negative - it just was. It's also a sign that grieving is ending and living and acknowledging my dad's life was beginning.
I miss him still. I know that he is proud of me. I know that he loved me on earth and loves me still in heaven. I miss and love him so much. I have so much I would talk to him about right now if he were here. I know the things he would tell me too.
So Pappa Do - I love you!
Sunday, June 03, 2007
Bridges
I love bridges.
I know it's a little bit kookie and I admit it, but I love to drive over bridges. Especially if the weather is nice and the traffic is on the light side.
I happen to be blessed in living on an Island. Therefore, leaving it requires me to either cross a bridge, travel through a tunnel or get on a plane or boat.
I grew up on the South shore of this island. In order to get to the famed beaches, one had to take 1 to 2 bridges or a ferry. Or your own boat should you be in that tax bracket.
ON my end table there is a picture of the famed Robert Moses Bridge. I took this picture at night in the fog and really you see a shadowy outline with the lights on the bridge giving you the shape in the candle-like glow. It IS my favorite picture in the world. THough I no longer live there, and the house has since been leveled, I get a peaceful feeling when I look at that bridge.
I have been known to change my routes based on bridges. I LOVE Verizzano and the Tappan zee. I could cross that one all the time. I don't care for the Triborrough or the GW too much. I like the Throgs Neck.
My true fav is the Tappan Zee. it has the best approach and the best view by day.
When I am on these bridges I get this free feeling that comes over me. It washes the pain of anything that's bothering me away, It free's me from my troubles. I feel as if I am leaving the bad behind and going towards the good. It's almost a religious feeling.
Most of the time I am. When I am crossing these bridges it usually means I am going to see someone I love. These bridges mean I am going to see people like Lily, or Bernie ( by ext Lisa), My brother, or countless friends further North like MapleMama or Jax, or Poodle.
I watched a movie with a friend recently called Queens Logic. It's old it's from 1991. The central theme is about Queens borrough in NY more specifically the Queens side of the Hell's Gate Bridge ( another beauty but a freight bridge- not commercial). Halfway through the movie, it occurred to me that this bridge was going to be a pinnacle in this movie and I was right.
I also love the film "For love or Money" also from 1991, with Gabrielle Anwar and Michael J Fox. The movie is wonderful, but the final scenes are amongst my favs. They take place on the 59th street bridge. He is running toward her on one side and she on the other. As the music ( unbelievable orchestral score which I just bought - more on that later) swells you realize they are yelling key words for the film to each other - throwing away what seemed to be important for a time for the love that they realize they feel for each other in the moment.
It's sappy, very old fashioned MGM style love story - funny in spots. The music is what does it for me though.
I went to visit my youngest brother in NJ. He took us a different way than we normally go because of construction. This enabled me to go over the Verizzano Bridge and the outerbridge crossing.
I was in my glory because the day was perfect. It was sunny, warm but not too warm. The traffic was moving fairly well on the bridges themselves though not wonderfully well off them.
I had the soundtrack to For love or money on my CD player. The timing was ideal. Each time I was crossing a bridge, that scene would ironically be on my cd player at the moment.
I cry every time I hear it - since 1991. I am just sappy that way.
There's another song that I like to hear when I cross the Tz..... I Love you by the Climax Blues Band. I have no reason why - it just fits.
The Throgs Neck is NY state of mind by Billy Joel.
The Triborough is Adagio for Strings by Samual Barber. For those of you who do not know, I am related to Samual Barber. He is my Great Uncle. And I do not like this piece. UNLESS I am traveling over the Triborough Bridge. Alretnately Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2 movement. Or Chopin Intermezzo no 2 for Piano.
I love Bridges and the music that I associate with them is what helps make that special on each trip.
I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks. I am going to have pick the route and pick the tunes appropriately. We are going to Katonah ( where Martha Stewart Lives) for my birthday.
What better way to start and end it but by crossing bridges.
I know it's a little bit kookie and I admit it, but I love to drive over bridges. Especially if the weather is nice and the traffic is on the light side.
I happen to be blessed in living on an Island. Therefore, leaving it requires me to either cross a bridge, travel through a tunnel or get on a plane or boat.
I grew up on the South shore of this island. In order to get to the famed beaches, one had to take 1 to 2 bridges or a ferry. Or your own boat should you be in that tax bracket.
ON my end table there is a picture of the famed Robert Moses Bridge. I took this picture at night in the fog and really you see a shadowy outline with the lights on the bridge giving you the shape in the candle-like glow. It IS my favorite picture in the world. THough I no longer live there, and the house has since been leveled, I get a peaceful feeling when I look at that bridge.
I have been known to change my routes based on bridges. I LOVE Verizzano and the Tappan zee. I could cross that one all the time. I don't care for the Triborrough or the GW too much. I like the Throgs Neck.
My true fav is the Tappan Zee. it has the best approach and the best view by day.
When I am on these bridges I get this free feeling that comes over me. It washes the pain of anything that's bothering me away, It free's me from my troubles. I feel as if I am leaving the bad behind and going towards the good. It's almost a religious feeling.
Most of the time I am. When I am crossing these bridges it usually means I am going to see someone I love. These bridges mean I am going to see people like Lily, or Bernie ( by ext Lisa), My brother, or countless friends further North like MapleMama or Jax, or Poodle.
I watched a movie with a friend recently called Queens Logic. It's old it's from 1991. The central theme is about Queens borrough in NY more specifically the Queens side of the Hell's Gate Bridge ( another beauty but a freight bridge- not commercial). Halfway through the movie, it occurred to me that this bridge was going to be a pinnacle in this movie and I was right.
I also love the film "For love or Money" also from 1991, with Gabrielle Anwar and Michael J Fox. The movie is wonderful, but the final scenes are amongst my favs. They take place on the 59th street bridge. He is running toward her on one side and she on the other. As the music ( unbelievable orchestral score which I just bought - more on that later) swells you realize they are yelling key words for the film to each other - throwing away what seemed to be important for a time for the love that they realize they feel for each other in the moment.
It's sappy, very old fashioned MGM style love story - funny in spots. The music is what does it for me though.
I went to visit my youngest brother in NJ. He took us a different way than we normally go because of construction. This enabled me to go over the Verizzano Bridge and the outerbridge crossing.
I was in my glory because the day was perfect. It was sunny, warm but not too warm. The traffic was moving fairly well on the bridges themselves though not wonderfully well off them.
I had the soundtrack to For love or money on my CD player. The timing was ideal. Each time I was crossing a bridge, that scene would ironically be on my cd player at the moment.
I cry every time I hear it - since 1991. I am just sappy that way.
There's another song that I like to hear when I cross the Tz..... I Love you by the Climax Blues Band. I have no reason why - it just fits.
The Throgs Neck is NY state of mind by Billy Joel.
The Triborough is Adagio for Strings by Samual Barber. For those of you who do not know, I am related to Samual Barber. He is my Great Uncle. And I do not like this piece. UNLESS I am traveling over the Triborough Bridge. Alretnately Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2 movement. Or Chopin Intermezzo no 2 for Piano.
I love Bridges and the music that I associate with them is what helps make that special on each trip.
I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks. I am going to have pick the route and pick the tunes appropriately. We are going to Katonah ( where Martha Stewart Lives) for my birthday.
What better way to start and end it but by crossing bridges.
Friday, June 01, 2007
A behavioural change that I kind of like
I am an emotional eater.
Not bad emotions either - all of them - the good, the bad, the mundane.... all of the,m
And good lord, do not CREATE a reason for me to eat??? Hump day??? Beer and wings at the local pub? who's idea was this? They should be shot.
So it is without hesitation that I tell you that I have officially proven out the "I no longer eat out of stress" behavior.
Years and Years ago when I worked in NYC, My office building was a famous one - The former Pan Am building - now Met life building. It sits above Grand Central Station.
When Work stress would hit, I would change into my sneakers ( kept handy for commuting purposes) and do laps around the inside of GCS. For those of you who know it well.. that's walking from the escalators into Met life down to Zarro's bakery by the shuttle. walking the lenght of that, coming up the side near the famous oyster bar walking up the steep ramp to the opposite sided were the Metro north tracks are and back around 1 lap= a quarter mile.
I would pull off anywhere from 1-5 laps in about 20 mins then go back upstairs and get some water and back to work. I had my desk moved away from the break room with the vending machines though I would wander in there occasionally for a bottle of water.
this Behaviour change of doing ANYTHING BUT EAT during stress really carried me through. I took a large hit when my dad died 4 years ago tomorrow. I ate anything that was nailed down. Seriously we have an expression at Weight Watchers.... you can make a bomb out of anything. I do believe they were talking about me - I had once found myself eating bakers chocolate and I don't even LIKE chocolate all that much.
So you see this is a good thing.
You all know I have been under some stress between work, personal and medical lately.
I have still manageed to hit my 10 lb mile stone yesterday. I still use exercize as a means to combat emotional behaviour. I just don't have the grand concourse to walk....
Sometimes I miss those laps. I got to see a lot of neat things I wouldn't have had the opp to see.
But the change while it took years to really take on me... did eventually work.
That's what I am proud of as my next birthday looms close.
Not bad emotions either - all of them - the good, the bad, the mundane.... all of the,m
And good lord, do not CREATE a reason for me to eat??? Hump day??? Beer and wings at the local pub? who's idea was this? They should be shot.
So it is without hesitation that I tell you that I have officially proven out the "I no longer eat out of stress" behavior.
Years and Years ago when I worked in NYC, My office building was a famous one - The former Pan Am building - now Met life building. It sits above Grand Central Station.
When Work stress would hit, I would change into my sneakers ( kept handy for commuting purposes) and do laps around the inside of GCS. For those of you who know it well.. that's walking from the escalators into Met life down to Zarro's bakery by the shuttle. walking the lenght of that, coming up the side near the famous oyster bar walking up the steep ramp to the opposite sided were the Metro north tracks are and back around 1 lap= a quarter mile.
I would pull off anywhere from 1-5 laps in about 20 mins then go back upstairs and get some water and back to work. I had my desk moved away from the break room with the vending machines though I would wander in there occasionally for a bottle of water.
this Behaviour change of doing ANYTHING BUT EAT during stress really carried me through. I took a large hit when my dad died 4 years ago tomorrow. I ate anything that was nailed down. Seriously we have an expression at Weight Watchers.... you can make a bomb out of anything. I do believe they were talking about me - I had once found myself eating bakers chocolate and I don't even LIKE chocolate all that much.
So you see this is a good thing.
You all know I have been under some stress between work, personal and medical lately.
I have still manageed to hit my 10 lb mile stone yesterday. I still use exercize as a means to combat emotional behaviour. I just don't have the grand concourse to walk....
Sometimes I miss those laps. I got to see a lot of neat things I wouldn't have had the opp to see.
But the change while it took years to really take on me... did eventually work.
That's what I am proud of as my next birthday looms close.
Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Did you ever think you were backwards?
I think I am.
Backwards, that is.
I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.
Isn't that weird? I think so.
I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.
But is it enough? to live in the middle?
If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?
No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.
So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?
I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.
Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.
Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.
I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.
So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.
I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.
Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.
So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.
Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.
Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.
I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.
I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.
No fear.
I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.
I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.
The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.
This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.
Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.
One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.
I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.
Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.
Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?
Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).
I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!
Backwards, that is.
I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.
Isn't that weird? I think so.
I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.
But is it enough? to live in the middle?
If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?
No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.
So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?
I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.
Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.
Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.
I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.
So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.
I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.
Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.
So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.
Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.
Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.
I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.
I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.
No fear.
I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.
I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.
The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.
This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.
Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.
One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.
I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.
Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.
Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?
Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).
I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!
An oldie but goodie
And while not entirely applicable to my life today - it's got some grains of truth to it and paints a closer picture.
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last
Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams
P.S - Who knew that a blizzard was predicted for this month?????
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last
Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams
P.S - Who knew that a blizzard was predicted for this month?????
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
How a Chicken Salad sandwich changed my world
It really did too.
It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.
I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.
Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.
I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.
By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.
I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.
OK that rules that part out for now.
So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.
I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.
"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "
But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.
I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.
I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.
I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:
Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2: Welll - that's true....
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>
So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.
I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.
She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.
So it's 6:30.
I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.
You know what's coming right?
The chicken salad.
I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.
Oh my God. Nirvana.
I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.
A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.
I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.
I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).
I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.
As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.
I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.
I broke my plateau.
and - the panic attack - gone.
Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!
It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.
I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.
Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.
I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.
By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.
I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.
OK that rules that part out for now.
So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.
I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.
"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "
But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.
I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.
I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.
I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:
Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2:
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>
So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.
I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.
She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.
So it's 6:30.
I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.
You know what's coming right?
The chicken salad.
I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.
Oh my God. Nirvana.
I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.
A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.
I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.
I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).
I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.
As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.
I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.
I broke my plateau.
and - the panic attack - gone.
Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!
Monday, May 28, 2007
On Trust
I love "Friends". I am devastated that the show has ended.
I love it for a lot of reasons. Primarily though, that group of friends started on that show at the same exact age that I was at that time. So I kind of feel like I grew into the adult that I am WITH them. I identify with all of them.
I am really a conglomerate of Monica and Rachel. But more to the point, my personality tends to be more Rachel than anyone else on that show.
The qualities that make up these two fictitious characters ( did I mentiont that I know they aren't real???) that apply to me are too many to name but the percentage quite clearly leans me over to the Rachel side. And It would have been nice if I could have some of her looks too..... but I digress.....
This show has a theme in it that strikes me in every sitcom that I watch it. For as long as I can remember. It was present in Wings, present in Friends, The Nanny..... Two people who are friends and are working their way toward one other as destiny plays a sick game with the two.... Joe and Helen from Wings, Fran and Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny and Ross and Rachel from Friends. There are more shows with this that I could name, but these are the first three that pop into my head.
Years ago, when I was an avid watcher of Wings..... I miss that show a lot.... I was in my 20's. I really liked him more than he liked me though. I was way too young. And he was older. But nonetheless, I identified with Crystal Bernard when she and Joe broke up for the millioneth time it seemed when he and I split up around the same time.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that I continue to watch the syndicated re-runs of Friends as often as I do. I am living parts of Monica's life and more to the point - parts of Rachel's. And not the baby part!!!!
The recurring storyline of Rachel is perpetually annoying to me AND intriguing to me.
She is a trusting woman. She trusts that Monica will take her in and care for her when she leaves her fiance at the alter. THough she didn't even invite Monica to the wedding. She trusts Monica's friends to help her through getting a job and getting out from her family's thumb.
She trusts these people with everything.... including her life, her career, her health, her families health, her baby. She never lost the ability to trust even when Ross sleeps with the copy girl "while they were on a break".
Bringing me to the conclusion here, she trusted him through thick and through thin. Through his myriad marriages including to her. Even when she was angry with him, even when his new wife wouldn't allow him to see or speak to her - she trusted him and she did the right things by him.
Again, I realize that these are fictitious characters, but they are modeled after real people. Or several real people.
In my circle of friends, I am the Rachel.
I love it for a lot of reasons. Primarily though, that group of friends started on that show at the same exact age that I was at that time. So I kind of feel like I grew into the adult that I am WITH them. I identify with all of them.
I am really a conglomerate of Monica and Rachel. But more to the point, my personality tends to be more Rachel than anyone else on that show.
The qualities that make up these two fictitious characters ( did I mentiont that I know they aren't real???) that apply to me are too many to name but the percentage quite clearly leans me over to the Rachel side. And It would have been nice if I could have some of her looks too..... but I digress.....
This show has a theme in it that strikes me in every sitcom that I watch it. For as long as I can remember. It was present in Wings, present in Friends, The Nanny..... Two people who are friends and are working their way toward one other as destiny plays a sick game with the two.... Joe and Helen from Wings, Fran and Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny and Ross and Rachel from Friends. There are more shows with this that I could name, but these are the first three that pop into my head.
Years ago, when I was an avid watcher of Wings..... I miss that show a lot.... I was in my 20's. I really liked him more than he liked me though. I was way too young. And he was older. But nonetheless, I identified with Crystal Bernard when she and Joe broke up for the millioneth time it seemed when he and I split up around the same time.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that I continue to watch the syndicated re-runs of Friends as often as I do. I am living parts of Monica's life and more to the point - parts of Rachel's. And not the baby part!!!!
The recurring storyline of Rachel is perpetually annoying to me AND intriguing to me.
She is a trusting woman. She trusts that Monica will take her in and care for her when she leaves her fiance at the alter. THough she didn't even invite Monica to the wedding. She trusts Monica's friends to help her through getting a job and getting out from her family's thumb.
She trusts these people with everything.... including her life, her career, her health, her families health, her baby. She never lost the ability to trust even when Ross sleeps with the copy girl "while they were on a break".
Bringing me to the conclusion here, she trusted him through thick and through thin. Through his myriad marriages including to her. Even when she was angry with him, even when his new wife wouldn't allow him to see or speak to her - she trusted him and she did the right things by him.
Again, I realize that these are fictitious characters, but they are modeled after real people. Or several real people.
In my circle of friends, I am the Rachel.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
On Keeping things light
I bought a new perfume today. Dolce and Gabanna's Light Blue. I love it - it's heavenly.
On the subject of keeping things light or lighter, I didn't weigh in at WW today as I am retaining water due to the unreasonable HEAT we are are dealing with here. I am up 2 lbs on my scale, but my clothes fit fine.
I put both air conditioning units on and did my pilates today. I took off Thursday and Friday and I can't afford more than two days off per week. Starting monday I am doing 30 mins of walking every day and pilates 3 times per week. I will do that through June. In July, I expect my weight to be down enough that I can then add 3 days a week of body sculpting. That will put me at MWF Walking 30 mins and pilates for 1 hour. TTHSAT walking 30 mins and Body sculpting. Sundays I will have the day off.
I ordered a new box of contacts as I have gone through 3 months in one but the doc says that's normal the first couple of months until you get used to them.... Gosh I hope so.... it makes me a little nuts.
I have decided officially that the extensions, ,while entirely lovely, are too long and too difficult to manage. I am going to have them removed ( what's left at any rate) and go back to tinting and curling until the fall when I have all the formals to attend. Then it makes sense.
I am prepared to be talked into a shorter lash length though... so stay tuned for that.
And my latest pet peeve - why tell me you are going to call on particular day and then NOT DO IT???? This drives me crazy. And I swear at times it is done intentionally. Either that or there is just so perspective on time. So I am sitting here patiently.... metaphorically of course. Don't imagine me pining away at the phone - that simply isn't happening. I notice usually around now, that the call I was expecting on that day, hasn't come in. Then I get a little bit nervous in case something happened and then peevish that I wasn't a priority. This is slowly getting better, but not quick enough for me.... :-)
I am an impatient pain in the ass to be honest. I know it.
But given the circumstances I am keeping things somewhat light. Light and easy is the key for the time being. In all areas of my life.
On the subject of keeping things light or lighter, I didn't weigh in at WW today as I am retaining water due to the unreasonable HEAT we are are dealing with here. I am up 2 lbs on my scale, but my clothes fit fine.
I put both air conditioning units on and did my pilates today. I took off Thursday and Friday and I can't afford more than two days off per week. Starting monday I am doing 30 mins of walking every day and pilates 3 times per week. I will do that through June. In July, I expect my weight to be down enough that I can then add 3 days a week of body sculpting. That will put me at MWF Walking 30 mins and pilates for 1 hour. TTHSAT walking 30 mins and Body sculpting. Sundays I will have the day off.
I ordered a new box of contacts as I have gone through 3 months in one but the doc says that's normal the first couple of months until you get used to them.... Gosh I hope so.... it makes me a little nuts.
I have decided officially that the extensions, ,while entirely lovely, are too long and too difficult to manage. I am going to have them removed ( what's left at any rate) and go back to tinting and curling until the fall when I have all the formals to attend. Then it makes sense.
I am prepared to be talked into a shorter lash length though... so stay tuned for that.
And my latest pet peeve - why tell me you are going to call on particular day and then NOT DO IT???? This drives me crazy. And I swear at times it is done intentionally. Either that or there is just so perspective on time. So I am sitting here patiently.... metaphorically of course. Don't imagine me pining away at the phone - that simply isn't happening. I notice usually around now, that the call I was expecting on that day, hasn't come in. Then I get a little bit nervous in case something happened and then peevish that I wasn't a priority. This is slowly getting better, but not quick enough for me.... :-)
I am an impatient pain in the ass to be honest. I know it.
But given the circumstances I am keeping things somewhat light. Light and easy is the key for the time being. In all areas of my life.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Jealousy
I am not a jealous person.
Not unless I am given a reason to be. I am, however, suspicious when things don't add up and will investigate until get to the bottom of it.
So what looks like jealousy on me, is in fact, really just my investigating a situation that doesn't ring true.
Now. Having said that.
There is an old line that has many variations but goes something like this "Reformed Playboys make the best husbands". I have seen first hand that when a man who is a dawg in a previous life or a playboy and he meets the woman he falls in love with, he reforms and shapes up. They never really lose the dawg mentality but that's OK because it makes them charming and funny. And insiteful to single girls and guys who are navigating the dating life,
I once worked with a woman whose husband asked her out for years. she refused to date him because he dated the "wrong" kind of girl. She finally got worn out from saying no and ended up marrying the guy and had 6 kids. They are still married and happier than ever. I have another woman in my church who is like a grandmother to me. She got married at 18. Her husband started asking her out when she was 11 years old. she gave him a new excuse every single week, and every week he came back and asked again. Finally she said yes, but she needed to bring her brothers with her as she was responsible for them. He said that was fine. So they started dating and are in their late 70's.
Now, please couple this with my "2+2 does not equal 5" mentality. This problem with me lies in every aspect of my life, health, work, diet, romance, friendship, family - everything. So lying clearly doesn't fly - I always figure it out. remember 2+2 <> 5.
So. I take a call from a friend on Friday. He mentions that he wants to get together this week. I suggested that night after work for him. He says he has "plans". My brain immediately perks up. We are now at phase one : 2+2.
Being direct I asked
"Oh?" and the response I recieved was
"Yes" So I said
"Your sure you wouldn't rather come here?" and the response to that was
"No I made a promise to someone"
Huh.
I should have known. I know this schedule better than most,
Mental headslap.
"Where are you going" I finally ask
All this got me was laughter.
"Going to Hewlette to see Kat, she needs support in her new job." He said
2+2
"Our Kat?" I ask
"yup"
huh.
"Well have fun and lay down an extra big tip from me - I"ll reimburse you later" I said
"Do you want to come with?" I am asked
"I have to sing a funeral in the morning, so no, but thanks for asking" I say.
=4.
2+2=4.
somtimes I am my own worst enemy. Instead of waiting for the problem to arise, then finding a solution.... I expect the problem to be there up front and THEN try and solve it - before there is one!
I wasn't jealous, and I couldn't really care less what the plans were. I objected to being played with at that moment. Especially when this tendancy in me is well known.
the parting commentary.....
"the Jealousy was cute by the way"
This equation never works in my favor!
Not unless I am given a reason to be. I am, however, suspicious when things don't add up and will investigate until get to the bottom of it.
So what looks like jealousy on me, is in fact, really just my investigating a situation that doesn't ring true.
Now. Having said that.
There is an old line that has many variations but goes something like this "Reformed Playboys make the best husbands". I have seen first hand that when a man who is a dawg in a previous life or a playboy and he meets the woman he falls in love with, he reforms and shapes up. They never really lose the dawg mentality but that's OK because it makes them charming and funny. And insiteful to single girls and guys who are navigating the dating life,
I once worked with a woman whose husband asked her out for years. she refused to date him because he dated the "wrong" kind of girl. She finally got worn out from saying no and ended up marrying the guy and had 6 kids. They are still married and happier than ever. I have another woman in my church who is like a grandmother to me. She got married at 18. Her husband started asking her out when she was 11 years old. she gave him a new excuse every single week, and every week he came back and asked again. Finally she said yes, but she needed to bring her brothers with her as she was responsible for them. He said that was fine. So they started dating and are in their late 70's.
Now, please couple this with my "2+2 does not equal 5" mentality. This problem with me lies in every aspect of my life, health, work, diet, romance, friendship, family - everything. So lying clearly doesn't fly - I always figure it out. remember 2+2 <> 5.
So. I take a call from a friend on Friday. He mentions that he wants to get together this week. I suggested that night after work for him. He says he has "plans". My brain immediately perks up. We are now at phase one : 2+2.
Being direct I asked
"Oh?" and the response I recieved was
"Yes" So I said
"Your sure you wouldn't rather come here?" and the response to that was
"No I made a promise to someone"
Huh.
I should have known. I know this schedule better than most,
Mental headslap.
"Where are you going" I finally ask
All this got me was laughter.
"Going to Hewlette to see Kat, she needs support in her new job." He said
2+2
"Our Kat?" I ask
"yup"
huh.
"Well have fun and lay down an extra big tip from me - I"ll reimburse you later" I said
"Do you want to come with?" I am asked
"I have to sing a funeral in the morning, so no, but thanks for asking" I say.
=4.
2+2=4.
somtimes I am my own worst enemy. Instead of waiting for the problem to arise, then finding a solution.... I expect the problem to be there up front and THEN try and solve it - before there is one!
I wasn't jealous, and I couldn't really care less what the plans were. I objected to being played with at that moment. Especially when this tendancy in me is well known.
the parting commentary.....
"the Jealousy was cute by the way"
This equation never works in my favor!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
My life is a movie Soundtrack
I have been wanting to do this for some time.... Maple Mama inspired me months ago, but alas my IPOD was not really up to the task till now:
How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …
Here are mine.
Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins
First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble
Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South
Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee
Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5
Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming
Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago
Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago
Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes
Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin
Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)
End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa
I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....
How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …
Here are mine.
Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins
First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble
Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South
Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee
Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5
Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming
Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago
Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago
Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes
Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin
Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)
End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa
I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....