"Welcome to trust and control Anonymous. Hi, my name is The Contessa and I will be your poster child for Trust and Control Issues today. There's coffee in the back, pleases help yourselves. Lets go round the circle and introduce ourselves. "
I spent the weekend in the country celebrating my birthday and my best friends birthday ( his was 6 months ago, but due to holidays and what not requested that we push it off to the half year).
We have mutual friends who set this weekend up. One lives there and it was to Lily's house that we went. It was perfect - the weather was stunning, I had all new clothes for this event, everything was set up to be perfect.
But it was less than perfect. And I blame some of it on my self and some on my best friend. It occured to me that I am also not a good actress when the subject matter is near and dear to my heart. And yes, I knew going in that this weekend was going to be tough in that regard, but I was prepared for it. Or so I thought.
While it was still early, we sat around the patio, eating lunch and drinking cocktails. The sun was shining, it was warm and lovely. The property is gorgeous. It was very peaceful. My best friend is now talking about his daughter who recently passed away in fatal car crash in March and how today being Fathers day was going to be difficult for him. I have long since known this story but our mutual friends did not. I had gotten him a fathers day card, somewhat generic since he's not MY father, our spouse, or whatever. I added a famous Indian Memorial Poem "Do not weep for me..." and gave it to him. He read it, got the lump in his throat and proceeded to start the joke telling.
I first noticed the control problem that started to mask itself as jealousy. I think I may have explained this before but jealousy isn't an issue for me. If I appear jealous, dig for it, because something else is the root cause. But there was a new person at the party, single and he was working her over. I don't know why it bothered me this time when he always tries to put all people, newcomers and the like, at ease at a party. But it did. and I had no reason for it.
I acknowledge that I have trust issues. I do, I know I do, and I work very very hard at trusting people. If I let you into my inner circle and my heart, that doesn't necessarily mean that I trust you implicitly. That means I am willing to try. It can take years for me to truly trust someone implicitly. I can count on one hand, those who I trust that way.
I am of the belief that my inability to trust people is because I am afraid. I am afraid. Of lots of things, I am afraid that my heart be broken, I am afraid that if I trust someone, they will let me down, I am afraid that I am not worthy of THEIR trust either. I have a lot of fears in this area. I have been working on dealing with the fear and that's been going well actually. This is how I realized I have issues with trust.
There isn't anything wrong with the people I surround myself with except that they are human. The problem as I see it, is mine. I am always looking for the hidden agenda, or the duplicity, or whatever it is that may hurt me in the long run. Part of me says "Keep digging it's there. You can find it if you look hard enough" and Part of me says "Why Dig? Everyone in the world has their secrets and their faults - do you really need to dig for them? " I try to keep thinking about "Let thou who has no sin in their heart cast the first stone." ( There's a great joke that goes with that one too!)
I am not perfect - oh my lord - so far from it. I don't wish to be perfect. I wish to be the best person I can be. But in order to do that, I need to trust more. It ties into the control. I need to be in control all the time. When I am fully in control, I find it easier to trust people.
It's pretty messed up. Right?
So this weekend, my control issues showed themselves less than I thought, but they were there. And I knew it. For example, my best friend drove my car home today. I was tense. The entire time. Why? no one drives my car but me. But I hadn't slept that well, I was tired and he wanted to give me a break. I relaxed somewhere on I684, but it took me awhile. But I trust him. Mostly. And I am working on this. A lot. Especially now that I am aware of it.
I was stressed at the party in the evening and why? Because I wasn't in control and he was. I finally went inside to lie down on the bed for a few minutes. I just needed 10 minutes alone. My best friend showed up and sat down next to me. He talked soothingly for about 5 minutes and left to make me a Blueberry Martini. He had my best girl friend make that and pick a glass for me. I got up and walked outside. I sat down with my drink, and tried to relax.
I started feeling better. But no, still not comfortable.
It turned out that the only way that I was able to relax was to have more to drink. Not really my style and I did get the comment as we were getting ready for bed that I shouldn't try to match him drink for drink. I didn't actually notice that I was....
So, back to the party. He got up to make me another drink, kissed me and said he was happy I was feeling better. Came back out and told everyone that it was my actual birthday, not his, and we should be celebrating that.
It was sweet and very considerate but the reality of my problem here was that the true nature of our friendship is very much on the down low. I am OK with this overall as a plan for right now. It's not anyone's business but ours, but it does make me feel, at times, that I can't always be myself with our friends. I understand that necessity of this at this juncture and I wouldn't have it any other way, however, it just adds pressure for me. I'm not a good actress and I won't pretend to be.
In reviewing the situation it should be noted that I don't start out by NOT trusting people. I start out small. As people deliver on the expectations that I have, I trust more, and the stakes go higher. Serously I tend to keep the bar low for awhile without even realizing it. I have a number of good friends whom I love and trust, both IRL and virtually. It's through this core of people that I am better able to see what I need to do to improve in this area. They are loving, trusting people as a rule and I am trying to learn from their succeses in this area. I am truly blessed to see such role models in my life.
I look at my mom and step-dad. Honesty is brutal and unrelenting in that household. They pull no punches. They fight only in the present, there is no dredging up of the past during their actual disputes. I learned to fight from them. I don't bring up every mistake, and the reason is because, if you deal with it as it happens, it's already solved. I don't hold grudges and I don't have regrets. These are wastes of time and they zap your energy. But at the same time they are kind and considerate of one another. I learned that too.
I look at my friends marriages. I have two that I have watched over many years. Bernie and his wife are amongst my best friends and they are so well matched for one another. Oh yes, they fight... but they know each other's limits and they work at their relationship. It's always wonderful to be around them.... they make me realize the goodness in being married and having a family.
Jenna and her husband too. They are incredibly considerate of one another. They may not think so, but if you watch them and just observe, they really are. I have on more than one occasion called and had her husband tell me that he drew her a bath which is where she isand cannot be disturbed as she had a long tough day. He commutes every day to the city for work and they are one kid short of a basketball team. But for all the things that they have going for them and against them, they make it work and it's all about the love for their children and family and each other.
Scores more of my friends fall into this category. Maplemama is probably the most trusting person I have ever met. She just opens her heart automaticaly and without reservation. I have long been using her as a model for how to do this. She's amazing to me and I am blessed to know all these people.
Back to the party again. By the time we got home, I dropped Jenna off and I told her that I am wanting to hang in with this and see it through. I can only come out ahead here. I know that. The problems I have, right now, are mine alone and I know that. The trust thing is a little like freefalling. I have to let go and just do it. The same thing with control. Once when I was in Junior high, I was dating a wonderful boy, my first true love. The only thing he ever wanted was for me to trust him. he used to stand behind me and say "close your eyes and fall backwards. I promise to catch you." I couldn't do it.
She responded that she was glad I decided to do that. She feels that it will come out right in the end too. The last thing she said to me as I was getting in the car was, For what it's worth, My best friend contributed more to my gift than anyone else did. She explained the contribution and he said he knew, but that this is what he wanted to give me.
I have no good reason in this world not to trust this man. Really and truly, not one. Yes, he has made some mistakes, and yes he has made up for them, acnowledged them and apologized for them. I have made some mistakes, some of the same ones no less. As long as the communication and honesty is happening I can't ask for more. But for all the mistakes that have been made, a lot of good things have happened too. More so than the bad. We jokingly call it the learning curve. Some days it's a short curve and others painfully long.
I guess I need to try free falling..... just a lil' bit.
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