Once upon a time, in a land far away, there was this young woman that I once knew.
She was a fundamentally good warm hearted person. Very bright. very talented a hard worker.
In her youth, she went to bed with a married man. At the time she knew he was married, but she was convinced, as many young girls are, that they were in love and that he would leave his wife for her.
Well they went to bed exactly one time. And talked A LOT on the phone about doing it again. And two things happened. The first thing, she realized that she wasn't in love with him. She also realized that though they had a fantastic time and it was a really important space of time for her, she didn't want to repeat it. Over the years, he continued to call and she continued to avoid, argue, cry and tell him to stop. This continued for 7 long years.
In my consultation with her, it occurred to me a couple of things. You've heard them from me before. One: You cannot control who you fall in love with. Two: You can control the actions that you take regarding that. You see, she believed she was in love and began exploring that relationship only to find out that she was not in fact in love with him. He was not in love with her either. He was nurturing a part of him that he was not getting at home.
What she realized was that she was exactly like his wife. Just like her. So all he was doing was making this young woman a sexual surrogate of sorts. This put a strain on their friendship. You see the young woman had known the man since she was a little girl. She grew up believing that he was the one for her. Only to find out that he was not. That briefly shattered her, but being a mature young woman, she picked herself up, dusted herself off and decided to put the friendship of the couple first.
Does she regret what she did? Absolutely. Would she do it again? Not on your life. It was emotionally painful and though she was able to let go, the man was not. She felt badly for him on some levels and not on others. He is married to a FABULOUS person. A person to love and admire.
In the end, choosing the friendship with his wife and family over any relationship with him served two important purposes for her. She was able to forgive herself for doing something that was morally unjust while being a better friend to his wife. It sounds crazy, but continuing the friendship with both of them and their immediate and extended families was more important. She put everything else aside and moved on. Her penance benefits everyone including herself.
She's a much happier person for it, she and the wife are very close. She speaks to the man periodically but her rules for that are one. If you can't say it in front of your wife, you cannot say it to her at all. He doesn't like it, but he abides by it.
The world is right again. The young woman has evolved into an older young woman. One is wiser to the ways of life, one who is smarter, one is more talented and more importantly one who is not feeling guilty about her past, but learning from it. About what TO do and about what NOT to do.
Life is a learning experience, not a guilt trip.
The End
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