Anger and things learned

I have a really long fuse.

And I am not a yeller or a screamer.

Most people don't know that unless they are really close.

I get overly sarcastic at times....

But honestly - anger? rarely. Irritated, annoyed and frustrated. But rarely angry.

But when my fuse runs out - beware....................


I attended a 9:30AM call that has been moved 4 times since 9AM and twice since Friday.

I hate these calls regardless of date and time because they are never structured, there is no agenda and when interaction is requested it is always met defensively and all opinions are immediately invalidated.

So having this call first thing on a Monday morning was not setting the necessary tone for the week.

I decide that I am getting on the call but not involving myself, I just couldn't expend anymore emotional energy on this weekly call.

But leader certainly knows how to bait each and every one of us. And Leader does it. But doesn't want to hear any of the feedback that is being requested. But FL girl she makes some commentary, stating fact, and leader lies right to us, using the CYA tactic. I feel obligated to back FL girl up as I was present in the same meeting, so I venture my facts along with hers, and quelle surprise - we are both being shot down and lied too. I decide it's time to retreat temporarily and I IM FL girl and advise her of this. By now leader is mad as a hatter.

So NYC guy jumps in and starts talking about other things. Brooklyn Girl asks me for some assistance on SSB Project and CB project - we essentially started talking to another and leaving leader to listen in. I made sure that everyone's workload was manageable and started to wrap up the non productive 30 minutes of the week.....

But no, Lead starts talking about metrics and how this is the first time we are using them. Again, I can't let this go. So I mention that we have been measured on Metrics since before him. We both drop it. Leader is bound and determined to be right, so I stop speaking altogether. My team however is incensed. So they are fighting leader on a variety of topics now.

I have my phone on mute - I'm pretty sure. I look at the phone, mute light flashing merrily and I say in the most venomous tone that scared in me..... "Can't you just shut the &*()@!) up????"

I go on to say "SOMETHING STUPIDLY INAPPROPRIATE?"

" Why can't you just stop making additional work for everyone so you can take credit and look like a hero ?"

Then I realize I am actually screaming at my muted phone. My neighbors could hear me.

And swearing.

And wishing it wasn't 10:15 AM so I Could have a glass of red wine and I don't even drink all that much!

Then I got past screaming and just venom was coming out of every pour. My team started calling one by one to make sure that I was Ok...

I honestly can tell you that FL Girl made an interesting point. Leader beats up on her a lot and I take severe umbrage to that. She told me that she awoke at 6AM and took her phone off the hook and turned the cell off and went back to bed. Then she mentioned that leader makes her really angry and frustrated and then she takes it out on her ailing parent. I thought about that and realized that I do that too.

When I say nothing and even when I choose to say something, it's not what I need to say and it would fall on deaf ears anyway since the fact is, leader is of the belief that staff is not necessary to run the account since leader did it successfully in the smaller company for 1 year. It shows an amazing amount of ego, that statement does. What it shows if anyone is paying attention is that the smaller company had less business. But that statement can't be made without political uprisings.

I realized through this conversation with Fl Girl that I was taking this out on my poor kids. These kids work hard during the week and don't deserve to be yelled at by me. Even if they don't put in the time they should, I have been WAY too hard on them. Over the top too hard.

At 5pM I changed my clothes into an outfit that I feel good in and went out to teach my kids. The two that I have are not usually two that I need to have a problem with even on a bad week but I really paid close attention to my interactions with them. I was so wrapped up in this stupid situation, I almost messed up a NYSSMA festival date for 2 kids because of school break and vacations. Thank goodness the one I had today I was able to work out and negotiate for her and enable her to make her requirements for the school she attends in addition to the festival itself. Phew!!!! I won't make that mistake a second time tomorrow!

I feel bad that my kids have taken a beating of late, so I have made up my mind that they deserve a better experience with me. I love my kids and adore teaching them. They deserve a kinder and more understanding teacher.

I am simply not going to be baited anymore. I am going to address leader like an elderly dog. We love the dog and the dog may piddle in the corner so we train the dog with some strong words and a perhaps rap on the rump.

It was quite a day.