Not recognizing worth

As I have mentioned, I quit the performance ensemble that I belonged to for 15 years. It was a hard decision but it needed to be done.

The fact is I was not being recognized for my value and my worth. Quite clearly, the diva can cover all of it so why should I continue to beat myself over the head and pay money to be unhappy? Logical.

So I quit.

My job however I can't do that with. At least not now. The fact is, My boss got recognized for his value and his worth on my project. No disrespect to him, but he couldn't have managed his way out of paper bag on this. It was custom, it was difficult and the customer did not have a clue. So add that with the fact that my manager is a figurehead, that would have been the single biggest mess ever.

I was supposed to have been recognized but they gave it to my boss instead.

Two places that mean a lot to me have made it clear that I am not worthy.

Then the whore got back into my life again. she called him ( he didn't take the call) and emailed him twice saying not haing him in her life as a friend is unbearable. While on paper, this doesn't have anything to do with me, and I realize that, this is however marginally upsetting and it's all about the timing. You see, I had that creepy feeling early in the day, like someone was walking over my grave, and the words from one of her emails to him back in May crept into my brain. Something I hadn't thought about SINCE then. That was the moment that he was reading the email from her. So the combo made me uneasy and caused an entire evening of strain between us.

I did apologize and he did call me out on her being the problem. I acknowledged it and we discusssed a bit. I am not angry at him. He did nothing wrong. Telling me about it is not a bad thing. I just couldn't get out of fmy own head on it and it hasn't bothered me in quite awhile. I would rather not prohibit him from discussing things that are on his mind.

In reference to the emails andn calls, I told him that my preference was that he not respond. He didn't.

I'm angry at myself for this. I should be trusting in myself more. I don't. My self esteem is taking a big hit of late. I didn't realize how bad it was until this occurred.

What pisses me off so much is - I KNOW I AM WORTH MORE AND THE VALUE I BRING TO MY JOB, THAT CHORAL GROUP and MY RELATIONSHIP.... is HUGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But yet, others choose not to see it.

Everything is clearly a popularity contest. Even at this age.