That's the shape of my heart

I've noticed subtle changes in me lately.

There's a relaxing of the mind and soul that is unusual for me.

I suffer from conscious tension and fear. But at the same time, I have peace in my soul. Now.

I don't know why but I have always been embarassed by my emotions. If I feel something, I feel like I have to hide it.

In college, I met people who didn't do that. Maple Mama, Bernie and Am are the three that come to mind, but they aren't the only three. These are people that I have been so close to.... Marriages, children, illness in parents, death of parents, reuniting with family, birthdays, holidays, you name it. In those times I can look back at each person named here, and see birthdays of Bernie's kids, Communions, baptisms, Special birthdays of Bernie himself, a memorable trip to see Maple Mama when Bernie's son was small, being made of honor for Am, surprising her with her bridal shower that Maple and I threw, spending the night at her house during the NTE's, attending her grandfather's funeral that same weekend, Partying in our dorm during the summer when we broke in. All these memories of people I love who are as close to me, and in some ways closer, than my own family.

These are people who say they love you and mean it and aren't embarassed that they feel that. These are people who have redefined the word love and coyned the expression LOEV. It means something special only to the four of us. It can't be defined here, but we know what it means.

Over all these 20 years, they have helped me to learn that it's OK to feel things and it's OK to verbalize them. I have grown so much for all of them having been part of my life. We have had to fight at times to keep the friendship alive Because life and distance and certain things like that, get in the way.

I'm at a point in my life where knowing how my heart works, emotionally, is really key. I am impatient and impulsive. I worry that I am not doing the right things by my friends and I am sensitive. And I'm pushy. I want everything now.

We have changed though....Now I am letting the person who is important to me, catch up to me without being pushed by me. My impatience has left the building. Without being told, asked, shoved or anything. It was almost like a serenity blanket was put over me and I was able to relax and let him take his own path and time to get where we need to be. I'm already at one level and he's catching up now.

I had a glimpse of it the other night. Friday night, I mentioned to him that in all probability I was going to have a houseguest who happens to be one of my best friends on a temporary basis. Remember - we have a gag rule that is technically still in effect, but is starting to loosen. He was not only fine with it, but managed to recall WHO it was with some detail, their spouse and children's names and approximate levels in school. He was interested in meeting him - also good because that's something that's important to me.

These are good things. These are basic things, but I am so accustomed to drama that when it leaves I sometimes don't know how to relax.

But I'm learning. Every day. Little things change the shape of my heart. Mabye It's starting to grow back bigger. Or maybe it was this big to start with and I was only using a small part of it.

Whatever the reason is, this is now the new shape of my heart.