Wednesday, May 30, 2007
Did you ever think you were backwards?
I think I am.
Backwards, that is.
I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.
Isn't that weird? I think so.
I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.
But is it enough? to live in the middle?
If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?
No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.
So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?
I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.
Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.
Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.
I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.
So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.
I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.
Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.
So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.
Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.
Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.
I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.
I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.
No fear.
I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.
I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.
The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.
This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.
Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.
One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.
I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.
Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.
Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?
Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).
I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!
Backwards, that is.
I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.
Isn't that weird? I think so.
I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.
But is it enough? to live in the middle?
If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?
No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.
So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?
I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.
Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.
Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.
I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.
So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.
I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.
Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.
So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.
Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.
Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.
I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.
I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.
No fear.
I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.
I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.
The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.
This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.
Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.
One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.
I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.
Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.
Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?
Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).
I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!
An oldie but goodie
And while not entirely applicable to my life today - it's got some grains of truth to it and paints a closer picture.
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last
Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams
P.S - Who knew that a blizzard was predicted for this month?????
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise
'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see
Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last
Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams
P.S - Who knew that a blizzard was predicted for this month?????
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
How a Chicken Salad sandwich changed my world
It really did too.
It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.
I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.
Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.
I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.
By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.
I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.
OK that rules that part out for now.
So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.
I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.
"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "
But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.
I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.
I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.
I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:
Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2: Welll - that's true....
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>
So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.
I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.
She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.
So it's 6:30.
I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.
You know what's coming right?
The chicken salad.
I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.
Oh my God. Nirvana.
I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.
A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.
I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.
I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).
I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.
As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.
I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.
I broke my plateau.
and - the panic attack - gone.
Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!
It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.
I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.
Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.
I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.
By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.
I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.
OK that rules that part out for now.
So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.
I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.
"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "
But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.
I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.
I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.
I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:
Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2:
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>
So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.
I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.
She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.
So it's 6:30.
I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.
You know what's coming right?
The chicken salad.
I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.
Oh my God. Nirvana.
I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.
A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.
I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.
I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).
I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.
As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.
I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.
I broke my plateau.
and - the panic attack - gone.
Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!
Monday, May 28, 2007
On Trust
I love "Friends". I am devastated that the show has ended.
I love it for a lot of reasons. Primarily though, that group of friends started on that show at the same exact age that I was at that time. So I kind of feel like I grew into the adult that I am WITH them. I identify with all of them.
I am really a conglomerate of Monica and Rachel. But more to the point, my personality tends to be more Rachel than anyone else on that show.
The qualities that make up these two fictitious characters ( did I mentiont that I know they aren't real???) that apply to me are too many to name but the percentage quite clearly leans me over to the Rachel side. And It would have been nice if I could have some of her looks too..... but I digress.....
This show has a theme in it that strikes me in every sitcom that I watch it. For as long as I can remember. It was present in Wings, present in Friends, The Nanny..... Two people who are friends and are working their way toward one other as destiny plays a sick game with the two.... Joe and Helen from Wings, Fran and Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny and Ross and Rachel from Friends. There are more shows with this that I could name, but these are the first three that pop into my head.
Years ago, when I was an avid watcher of Wings..... I miss that show a lot.... I was in my 20's. I really liked him more than he liked me though. I was way too young. And he was older. But nonetheless, I identified with Crystal Bernard when she and Joe broke up for the millioneth time it seemed when he and I split up around the same time.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that I continue to watch the syndicated re-runs of Friends as often as I do. I am living parts of Monica's life and more to the point - parts of Rachel's. And not the baby part!!!!
The recurring storyline of Rachel is perpetually annoying to me AND intriguing to me.
She is a trusting woman. She trusts that Monica will take her in and care for her when she leaves her fiance at the alter. THough she didn't even invite Monica to the wedding. She trusts Monica's friends to help her through getting a job and getting out from her family's thumb.
She trusts these people with everything.... including her life, her career, her health, her families health, her baby. She never lost the ability to trust even when Ross sleeps with the copy girl "while they were on a break".
Bringing me to the conclusion here, she trusted him through thick and through thin. Through his myriad marriages including to her. Even when she was angry with him, even when his new wife wouldn't allow him to see or speak to her - she trusted him and she did the right things by him.
Again, I realize that these are fictitious characters, but they are modeled after real people. Or several real people.
In my circle of friends, I am the Rachel.
I love it for a lot of reasons. Primarily though, that group of friends started on that show at the same exact age that I was at that time. So I kind of feel like I grew into the adult that I am WITH them. I identify with all of them.
I am really a conglomerate of Monica and Rachel. But more to the point, my personality tends to be more Rachel than anyone else on that show.
The qualities that make up these two fictitious characters ( did I mentiont that I know they aren't real???) that apply to me are too many to name but the percentage quite clearly leans me over to the Rachel side. And It would have been nice if I could have some of her looks too..... but I digress.....
This show has a theme in it that strikes me in every sitcom that I watch it. For as long as I can remember. It was present in Wings, present in Friends, The Nanny..... Two people who are friends and are working their way toward one other as destiny plays a sick game with the two.... Joe and Helen from Wings, Fran and Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny and Ross and Rachel from Friends. There are more shows with this that I could name, but these are the first three that pop into my head.
Years ago, when I was an avid watcher of Wings..... I miss that show a lot.... I was in my 20's. I really liked him more than he liked me though. I was way too young. And he was older. But nonetheless, I identified with Crystal Bernard when she and Joe broke up for the millioneth time it seemed when he and I split up around the same time.
So it shouldn't come as a surprise that I continue to watch the syndicated re-runs of Friends as often as I do. I am living parts of Monica's life and more to the point - parts of Rachel's. And not the baby part!!!!
The recurring storyline of Rachel is perpetually annoying to me AND intriguing to me.
She is a trusting woman. She trusts that Monica will take her in and care for her when she leaves her fiance at the alter. THough she didn't even invite Monica to the wedding. She trusts Monica's friends to help her through getting a job and getting out from her family's thumb.
She trusts these people with everything.... including her life, her career, her health, her families health, her baby. She never lost the ability to trust even when Ross sleeps with the copy girl "while they were on a break".
Bringing me to the conclusion here, she trusted him through thick and through thin. Through his myriad marriages including to her. Even when she was angry with him, even when his new wife wouldn't allow him to see or speak to her - she trusted him and she did the right things by him.
Again, I realize that these are fictitious characters, but they are modeled after real people. Or several real people.
In my circle of friends, I am the Rachel.
Saturday, May 26, 2007
On Keeping things light
I bought a new perfume today. Dolce and Gabanna's Light Blue. I love it - it's heavenly.
On the subject of keeping things light or lighter, I didn't weigh in at WW today as I am retaining water due to the unreasonable HEAT we are are dealing with here. I am up 2 lbs on my scale, but my clothes fit fine.
I put both air conditioning units on and did my pilates today. I took off Thursday and Friday and I can't afford more than two days off per week. Starting monday I am doing 30 mins of walking every day and pilates 3 times per week. I will do that through June. In July, I expect my weight to be down enough that I can then add 3 days a week of body sculpting. That will put me at MWF Walking 30 mins and pilates for 1 hour. TTHSAT walking 30 mins and Body sculpting. Sundays I will have the day off.
I ordered a new box of contacts as I have gone through 3 months in one but the doc says that's normal the first couple of months until you get used to them.... Gosh I hope so.... it makes me a little nuts.
I have decided officially that the extensions, ,while entirely lovely, are too long and too difficult to manage. I am going to have them removed ( what's left at any rate) and go back to tinting and curling until the fall when I have all the formals to attend. Then it makes sense.
I am prepared to be talked into a shorter lash length though... so stay tuned for that.
And my latest pet peeve - why tell me you are going to call on particular day and then NOT DO IT???? This drives me crazy. And I swear at times it is done intentionally. Either that or there is just so perspective on time. So I am sitting here patiently.... metaphorically of course. Don't imagine me pining away at the phone - that simply isn't happening. I notice usually around now, that the call I was expecting on that day, hasn't come in. Then I get a little bit nervous in case something happened and then peevish that I wasn't a priority. This is slowly getting better, but not quick enough for me.... :-)
I am an impatient pain in the ass to be honest. I know it.
But given the circumstances I am keeping things somewhat light. Light and easy is the key for the time being. In all areas of my life.
On the subject of keeping things light or lighter, I didn't weigh in at WW today as I am retaining water due to the unreasonable HEAT we are are dealing with here. I am up 2 lbs on my scale, but my clothes fit fine.
I put both air conditioning units on and did my pilates today. I took off Thursday and Friday and I can't afford more than two days off per week. Starting monday I am doing 30 mins of walking every day and pilates 3 times per week. I will do that through June. In July, I expect my weight to be down enough that I can then add 3 days a week of body sculpting. That will put me at MWF Walking 30 mins and pilates for 1 hour. TTHSAT walking 30 mins and Body sculpting. Sundays I will have the day off.
I ordered a new box of contacts as I have gone through 3 months in one but the doc says that's normal the first couple of months until you get used to them.... Gosh I hope so.... it makes me a little nuts.
I have decided officially that the extensions, ,while entirely lovely, are too long and too difficult to manage. I am going to have them removed ( what's left at any rate) and go back to tinting and curling until the fall when I have all the formals to attend. Then it makes sense.
I am prepared to be talked into a shorter lash length though... so stay tuned for that.
And my latest pet peeve - why tell me you are going to call on particular day and then NOT DO IT???? This drives me crazy. And I swear at times it is done intentionally. Either that or there is just so perspective on time. So I am sitting here patiently.... metaphorically of course. Don't imagine me pining away at the phone - that simply isn't happening. I notice usually around now, that the call I was expecting on that day, hasn't come in. Then I get a little bit nervous in case something happened and then peevish that I wasn't a priority. This is slowly getting better, but not quick enough for me.... :-)
I am an impatient pain in the ass to be honest. I know it.
But given the circumstances I am keeping things somewhat light. Light and easy is the key for the time being. In all areas of my life.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Jealousy
I am not a jealous person.
Not unless I am given a reason to be. I am, however, suspicious when things don't add up and will investigate until get to the bottom of it.
So what looks like jealousy on me, is in fact, really just my investigating a situation that doesn't ring true.
Now. Having said that.
There is an old line that has many variations but goes something like this "Reformed Playboys make the best husbands". I have seen first hand that when a man who is a dawg in a previous life or a playboy and he meets the woman he falls in love with, he reforms and shapes up. They never really lose the dawg mentality but that's OK because it makes them charming and funny. And insiteful to single girls and guys who are navigating the dating life,
I once worked with a woman whose husband asked her out for years. she refused to date him because he dated the "wrong" kind of girl. She finally got worn out from saying no and ended up marrying the guy and had 6 kids. They are still married and happier than ever. I have another woman in my church who is like a grandmother to me. She got married at 18. Her husband started asking her out when she was 11 years old. she gave him a new excuse every single week, and every week he came back and asked again. Finally she said yes, but she needed to bring her brothers with her as she was responsible for them. He said that was fine. So they started dating and are in their late 70's.
Now, please couple this with my "2+2 does not equal 5" mentality. This problem with me lies in every aspect of my life, health, work, diet, romance, friendship, family - everything. So lying clearly doesn't fly - I always figure it out. remember 2+2 <> 5.
So. I take a call from a friend on Friday. He mentions that he wants to get together this week. I suggested that night after work for him. He says he has "plans". My brain immediately perks up. We are now at phase one : 2+2.
Being direct I asked
"Oh?" and the response I recieved was
"Yes" So I said
"Your sure you wouldn't rather come here?" and the response to that was
"No I made a promise to someone"
Huh.
I should have known. I know this schedule better than most,
Mental headslap.
"Where are you going" I finally ask
All this got me was laughter.
"Going to Hewlette to see Kat, she needs support in her new job." He said
2+2
"Our Kat?" I ask
"yup"
huh.
"Well have fun and lay down an extra big tip from me - I"ll reimburse you later" I said
"Do you want to come with?" I am asked
"I have to sing a funeral in the morning, so no, but thanks for asking" I say.
=4.
2+2=4.
somtimes I am my own worst enemy. Instead of waiting for the problem to arise, then finding a solution.... I expect the problem to be there up front and THEN try and solve it - before there is one!
I wasn't jealous, and I couldn't really care less what the plans were. I objected to being played with at that moment. Especially when this tendancy in me is well known.
the parting commentary.....
"the Jealousy was cute by the way"
This equation never works in my favor!
Not unless I am given a reason to be. I am, however, suspicious when things don't add up and will investigate until get to the bottom of it.
So what looks like jealousy on me, is in fact, really just my investigating a situation that doesn't ring true.
Now. Having said that.
There is an old line that has many variations but goes something like this "Reformed Playboys make the best husbands". I have seen first hand that when a man who is a dawg in a previous life or a playboy and he meets the woman he falls in love with, he reforms and shapes up. They never really lose the dawg mentality but that's OK because it makes them charming and funny. And insiteful to single girls and guys who are navigating the dating life,
I once worked with a woman whose husband asked her out for years. she refused to date him because he dated the "wrong" kind of girl. She finally got worn out from saying no and ended up marrying the guy and had 6 kids. They are still married and happier than ever. I have another woman in my church who is like a grandmother to me. She got married at 18. Her husband started asking her out when she was 11 years old. she gave him a new excuse every single week, and every week he came back and asked again. Finally she said yes, but she needed to bring her brothers with her as she was responsible for them. He said that was fine. So they started dating and are in their late 70's.
Now, please couple this with my "2+2 does not equal 5" mentality. This problem with me lies in every aspect of my life, health, work, diet, romance, friendship, family - everything. So lying clearly doesn't fly - I always figure it out. remember 2+2 <> 5.
So. I take a call from a friend on Friday. He mentions that he wants to get together this week. I suggested that night after work for him. He says he has "plans". My brain immediately perks up. We are now at phase one : 2+2.
Being direct I asked
"Oh?" and the response I recieved was
"Yes" So I said
"Your sure you wouldn't rather come here?" and the response to that was
"No I made a promise to someone"
Huh.
I should have known. I know this schedule better than most,
Mental headslap.
"Where are you going" I finally ask
All this got me was laughter.
"Going to Hewlette to see Kat, she needs support in her new job." He said
2+2
"Our Kat?" I ask
"yup"
huh.
"Well have fun and lay down an extra big tip from me - I"ll reimburse you later" I said
"Do you want to come with?" I am asked
"I have to sing a funeral in the morning, so no, but thanks for asking" I say.
=4.
2+2=4.
somtimes I am my own worst enemy. Instead of waiting for the problem to arise, then finding a solution.... I expect the problem to be there up front and THEN try and solve it - before there is one!
I wasn't jealous, and I couldn't really care less what the plans were. I objected to being played with at that moment. Especially when this tendancy in me is well known.
the parting commentary.....
"the Jealousy was cute by the way"
This equation never works in my favor!
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
Monday, May 21, 2007
My life is a movie Soundtrack
I have been wanting to do this for some time.... Maple Mama inspired me months ago, but alas my IPOD was not really up to the task till now:
How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …
Here are mine.
Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins
First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble
Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South
Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee
Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5
Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming
Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago
Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago
Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes
Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin
Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)
End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa
I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....
How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …
Here are mine.
Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins
First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble
Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South
Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee
Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5
Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago
Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming
Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago
Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago
Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes
Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin
Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)
End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa
I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....
Sunday, May 20, 2007
On being a dating moron
You know, at my age, I should be good at dating.
Hell I've been dating for well over 20 years.
And sadly, I'm not.
Good at it, that is.
And do you know why? I tend to make the process all about me.
Now, that's not the real true crime here, just making it obvious is.
So after some extensive thought and discussion with a real pro ( married 12 years to prove it), I discovered what I was doing wrong.
I wasn't actually doing the wrong things in theory, but in practice it wasn't being delivered properly.
For example, and this is ONLY an example, mind you.
Say you want a man to call you more often. Calling and leaving a message that he needs to call you more often, while direct and leaves no room for misinterpretation, is the wrong approach in the early part of a dating relationship.
If you want a man to call you more frequently you have to make it worth his while to call. You need him to WANT and NEED to speak to you more often.
If you are person, such as I am, who is not good at games, and was raised to be honest and direct, well this kind of approach is a difficult one to learn.
This is not flirting necessarily. It is a kind of cross between playing hard to get ( another game I suck at) and flirting. Mixed properly, this approach can net you your next date.
Now in my current situation, I have a built in safety net. But it's not fool proof. I found that out the hard way.
One things for sure. I have the best team of advisors to get me through this and stil have fun.
Oh crap - I have nothing to wear... stay tuned.
Hell I've been dating for well over 20 years.
And sadly, I'm not.
Good at it, that is.
And do you know why? I tend to make the process all about me.
Now, that's not the real true crime here, just making it obvious is.
So after some extensive thought and discussion with a real pro ( married 12 years to prove it), I discovered what I was doing wrong.
I wasn't actually doing the wrong things in theory, but in practice it wasn't being delivered properly.
For example, and this is ONLY an example, mind you.
Say you want a man to call you more often. Calling and leaving a message that he needs to call you more often, while direct and leaves no room for misinterpretation, is the wrong approach in the early part of a dating relationship.
If you want a man to call you more frequently you have to make it worth his while to call. You need him to WANT and NEED to speak to you more often.
If you are person, such as I am, who is not good at games, and was raised to be honest and direct, well this kind of approach is a difficult one to learn.
This is not flirting necessarily. It is a kind of cross between playing hard to get ( another game I suck at) and flirting. Mixed properly, this approach can net you your next date.
Now in my current situation, I have a built in safety net. But it's not fool proof. I found that out the hard way.
One things for sure. I have the best team of advisors to get me through this and stil have fun.
Oh crap - I have nothing to wear... stay tuned.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
On the price of beauty is....
$211. Exactly. Minus tip for three people: stylist, shampoo and aesthetician.
I walked into the salon this afternoon at 1 sharp. I sat in my stylists chair and realized after the week that I had and the funeral I did that morning, I had no fight left in me.
So in that mode, my stylist said "How much am I allowed to take off now? It really needs a good shaping..."
"What does "a good shaping" entail" I ask
"3-4 inches."
sigh. "OK"
she starts the color process. This requires me to work too by the way. I do still believe that if I have to actively participate in the coloring process I should either get a break in the price or share in the proceeds.... but whatever.
30 minutes later she sets me up to let the color set. My Aesthetician came over and looked at my eyes and declared them fit for lash extensions.
Fifteen minutes later and NO weirdness at all, no pain, nothing. I had long lashes. They look AMAZING. I never need mascara again. ever. All I had to do was close my eyes. That was it. Fifteen minutes. Amazing.
Then my stylist took me back and started cutting. when I was done I had 3 inches and change off the back but it looks like 5 because of the natural curl in my hair. She cut on piece a little bit shorter in the front than in previous visits and when I commented she saarcasticallly told me to shut up. This caused me to crack up. she's been cutting my hair for 26 years. So this is allowed.
I then get my nails done.... nothing unusual there except half way through filing, she smacks my arm and says "YOUR EYES!!!!! THEY ARE GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I almost died laughing....
"Joy, you are working on them with the lashes for 15 minutes. you looked right at them and I even mentioned the color. You put eyeliner on me to prove how they pop and now you notice the color????? sheesh!"
We both started laughing.
Finished my nails and walked back to the wax room. I don't even remember the waxing, butI know it happened because the miscellaneous hair on my brows are now gone.
The care and upkeep of the lashes was discussed. It does take a couple of lifestyle changes for me, but that's Ok. I have to see how I like them day to day. I feel nervous about them now. One girl that works there told me she dries them with her hair dryer after she gets out of the shower to re-fluff them... I think that just might be going a bit far.
I was the last client left at the end. It was after 4 when I left. My hair color was touched up so that any silver that was trying to peek through is no more. its shorter and curlier and healthier looking, and I have gorgeous nails and long fluttery lashes.
All for $211.00.
And I Am happy. Really happy. I look fantastic.
If I do say so myself.
I walked into the salon this afternoon at 1 sharp. I sat in my stylists chair and realized after the week that I had and the funeral I did that morning, I had no fight left in me.
So in that mode, my stylist said "How much am I allowed to take off now? It really needs a good shaping..."
"What does "a good shaping" entail" I ask
"3-4 inches."
sigh. "OK"
she starts the color process. This requires me to work too by the way. I do still believe that if I have to actively participate in the coloring process I should either get a break in the price or share in the proceeds.... but whatever.
30 minutes later she sets me up to let the color set. My Aesthetician came over and looked at my eyes and declared them fit for lash extensions.
Fifteen minutes later and NO weirdness at all, no pain, nothing. I had long lashes. They look AMAZING. I never need mascara again. ever. All I had to do was close my eyes. That was it. Fifteen minutes. Amazing.
Then my stylist took me back and started cutting. when I was done I had 3 inches and change off the back but it looks like 5 because of the natural curl in my hair. She cut on piece a little bit shorter in the front than in previous visits and when I commented she saarcasticallly told me to shut up. This caused me to crack up. she's been cutting my hair for 26 years. So this is allowed.
I then get my nails done.... nothing unusual there except half way through filing, she smacks my arm and says "YOUR EYES!!!!! THEY ARE GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!".
I almost died laughing....
"Joy, you are working on them with the lashes for 15 minutes. you looked right at them and I even mentioned the color. You put eyeliner on me to prove how they pop and now you notice the color????? sheesh!"
We both started laughing.
Finished my nails and walked back to the wax room. I don't even remember the waxing, butI know it happened because the miscellaneous hair on my brows are now gone.
The care and upkeep of the lashes was discussed. It does take a couple of lifestyle changes for me, but that's Ok. I have to see how I like them day to day. I feel nervous about them now. One girl that works there told me she dries them with her hair dryer after she gets out of the shower to re-fluff them... I think that just might be going a bit far.
I was the last client left at the end. It was after 4 when I left. My hair color was touched up so that any silver that was trying to peek through is no more. its shorter and curlier and healthier looking, and I have gorgeous nails and long fluttery lashes.
All for $211.00.
And I Am happy. Really happy. I look fantastic.
If I do say so myself.
Friday, May 18, 2007
on Intimacy
I read this meditation yesterday. Again, as with previous "Meditations from Meditations For People who Worry Too Much" written By Anne Wilson Scharf, I really don't follow every day. If I am having a stressful day, I may pick it up and look at that days reflections and read a couple from previous days.
Intimacy
I worry most when I allow myself to love a person. Sometimes I prefer not to feel love because then I worry less. I switch between feelings of distance and feelings of love. Of course I liked the Janis Joplin song: "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."
This one was ironic. It so sadly describes me to a tee. I mean - it's scary.
I had just come to decision on Wednesday night that was premature. Mercifully, though I wrote out the note, I didn't send it to the intended recipient. Instead I sent it to my best friend or BFF as the kids call it now on text...
Timing is always everything though. It turned out that I spent a good couple of hours with her in which she hadn't read it yet. So she was advising without knowing where my head was truly at, even though we were talking. So before I left -right before - she read the email. It was a very personal and intimate note. Not one I would blithely share with anyone really other than the intended recipient. But such is the nature of my friendship with her, I was able to feel confident and comfortable with her reading it.
How glad I am that I did. She looked me right in the eye over lunch and told me that I needed to be more patient. I have been harping on my patience, or lack of, quite a bit of late and she was right. She said, in short, that I was not ready to toss EVERYTHING away, was I? Didn't I think that if I was afraid that "a talk" was going to happen and I wasn't prepared to have it, that I too would be avoiding it? She said that I had to treat this as brand new. No history. Don't ditch the note, but file it. It's a safety net.
It is a safety net. I didn't cry or anything when I wrote it. She was surprised and then not. She said " You didn't get emotional when writing it because you aren't ready to send it. "
She's right - I'm not.
But I did follow her advice. And it worked. Like a charm - I WAS SHOCKED.
I am still, at my age, so naive about the opposite sex. It's embarrassing really.
What I did notice also, was that, I don't like that my moods are dependent on communication and trust. When I get a call or an email, I am smiley, happy and easy to get along with. That call doesn't come and the longer it's delayed, I am cranky, weepy, angry, and loony. I'm super glad I noticed that so I can address it in the future for myself.
How did I notice it? I was teaching a piano lesson when the call came in tonight in response to my email. I looked at the phone in disbelief. Are you kidding me? NOW ?? OK better now than not at all. I took the call. We talked as if two weeks of no communication ever happened. Not the time ( I could hear my BFF ( that term KILLS ME ) saying it in my head). We made our arrangements and hung up the call. The next lesson with these kids went so much better - I had more patience more laughing less yelling. What the hell is that about?
It's lack of knowledge really. When you don't know where you stand or you don't have the confidence in the position you are in, it can take tolls on the moods.
I am always discovering new things about myself and this journey can be a good one if I relax and have patience and enjoy the moments.
"Si le divin est dans nos ames, nous le reconnaitrons dans moments comme celui-ci."
Translation - "If God Lives at all, God lives in moments like these"
Intimacy
I worry most when I allow myself to love a person. Sometimes I prefer not to feel love because then I worry less. I switch between feelings of distance and feelings of love. Of course I liked the Janis Joplin song: "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."
Ursula
Love has become so difficult and so complex for us humans that we sometimes have come to believe that only solution is not taking the risk. How sad it is that loving seems like a risk!
We are all so afraid of intimacy that we have indeed, become a people who actively escape from intimacy. Ironically, it is often those of us who profess the most about wanting to be intimate who are most afraid of it.
Some of us have bought ht advertising that sex is the avenue of to intimacy, and it just doesn't work. Or we believe that we can become intimate by getting the relationship clearly nailed down. Often this results in being nailed down. Or we believe that the way to become intimate is to analyze each other so we know "the truth". Often this only results in judgement and frustration.
We forget that intimacy grows and requires time and participation.
This one was ironic. It so sadly describes me to a tee. I mean - it's scary.
I had just come to decision on Wednesday night that was premature. Mercifully, though I wrote out the note, I didn't send it to the intended recipient. Instead I sent it to my best friend or BFF as the kids call it now on text...
Timing is always everything though. It turned out that I spent a good couple of hours with her in which she hadn't read it yet. So she was advising without knowing where my head was truly at, even though we were talking. So before I left -right before - she read the email. It was a very personal and intimate note. Not one I would blithely share with anyone really other than the intended recipient. But such is the nature of my friendship with her, I was able to feel confident and comfortable with her reading it.
How glad I am that I did. She looked me right in the eye over lunch and told me that I needed to be more patient. I have been harping on my patience, or lack of, quite a bit of late and she was right. She said, in short, that I was not ready to toss EVERYTHING away, was I? Didn't I think that if I was afraid that "a talk" was going to happen and I wasn't prepared to have it, that I too would be avoiding it? She said that I had to treat this as brand new. No history. Don't ditch the note, but file it. It's a safety net.
It is a safety net. I didn't cry or anything when I wrote it. She was surprised and then not. She said " You didn't get emotional when writing it because you aren't ready to send it. "
She's right - I'm not.
But I did follow her advice. And it worked. Like a charm - I WAS SHOCKED.
I am still, at my age, so naive about the opposite sex. It's embarrassing really.
What I did notice also, was that, I don't like that my moods are dependent on communication and trust. When I get a call or an email, I am smiley, happy and easy to get along with. That call doesn't come and the longer it's delayed, I am cranky, weepy, angry, and loony. I'm super glad I noticed that so I can address it in the future for myself.
How did I notice it? I was teaching a piano lesson when the call came in tonight in response to my email. I looked at the phone in disbelief. Are you kidding me? NOW ?? OK better now than not at all. I took the call. We talked as if two weeks of no communication ever happened. Not the time ( I could hear my BFF ( that term KILLS ME ) saying it in my head). We made our arrangements and hung up the call. The next lesson with these kids went so much better - I had more patience more laughing less yelling. What the hell is that about?
It's lack of knowledge really. When you don't know where you stand or you don't have the confidence in the position you are in, it can take tolls on the moods.
I am always discovering new things about myself and this journey can be a good one if I relax and have patience and enjoy the moments.
"Si le divin est dans nos ames, nous le reconnaitrons dans moments comme celui-ci."
Translation - "If God Lives at all, God lives in moments like these"
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Good things come to those who wait
This is a proverb that I have strived to live. Not wiht the greatest amount of successfully of course, but I really work hard at it.
I have a personal interpretation of this proverb that has evolved over all the years since I was a sophomore in college.
My personal flavor of this proverb is Good things come to those who wait and are willing to work for them.
In short, if you want something and you sit on your duff and do nothing to earn that thing, chances are good you won't get it. And if you do get it, by some strange stroke of luck, you may not really appreciate it.
As you may have realized by now, my personal nemesis is patience. Since I was a child, hearing the words "wait until...." drove me mad. Telling me anything with forewarning is like a death sentence to me. I would recieve a call with the message on the machine "I need to talk to you" and I would immediately start returning the call.
Mostly the reason was self doubt. I was always afraid that what I didn't know WOULD hurt me. Or someone would be mad at me, or that I did something incorrectly or something like that.
I'm doing marginally better in the patience department. I was reminded twice today that in a specific area in my life, the patience card needs to be played longer. I can't bail at the first sign of trouble or when my patience suddenly craps out.
I never really thought about it. But I think that I am better about patience in this area than I have been in my past. But It's stil not enough. I am going to drive myself insane if I keep worrying about things that I can't change on my own.
But I am willing to do the work. I am filling my time fairly well, though the reason I am having trouble this week is the that I had a couple of days with more time on my hands than I should. I need to take steps to fill those voids too.
My patience is going to be better. And I am praying that with that patience comes the one thing I really want.
I am willing to put the work in on this. If that means occupying my time better, than that's what I need to do. If it means improving myself in the process - that's OK too.
so long as in the end the good thing comes to me because I am waiting AND working at it.
I have a personal interpretation of this proverb that has evolved over all the years since I was a sophomore in college.
My personal flavor of this proverb is Good things come to those who wait and are willing to work for them.
In short, if you want something and you sit on your duff and do nothing to earn that thing, chances are good you won't get it. And if you do get it, by some strange stroke of luck, you may not really appreciate it.
As you may have realized by now, my personal nemesis is patience. Since I was a child, hearing the words "wait until...." drove me mad. Telling me anything with forewarning is like a death sentence to me. I would recieve a call with the message on the machine "I need to talk to you" and I would immediately start returning the call.
Mostly the reason was self doubt. I was always afraid that what I didn't know WOULD hurt me. Or someone would be mad at me, or that I did something incorrectly or something like that.
I'm doing marginally better in the patience department. I was reminded twice today that in a specific area in my life, the patience card needs to be played longer. I can't bail at the first sign of trouble or when my patience suddenly craps out.
I never really thought about it. But I think that I am better about patience in this area than I have been in my past. But It's stil not enough. I am going to drive myself insane if I keep worrying about things that I can't change on my own.
But I am willing to do the work. I am filling my time fairly well, though the reason I am having trouble this week is the that I had a couple of days with more time on my hands than I should. I need to take steps to fill those voids too.
My patience is going to be better. And I am praying that with that patience comes the one thing I really want.
I am willing to put the work in on this. If that means occupying my time better, than that's what I need to do. If it means improving myself in the process - that's OK too.
so long as in the end the good thing comes to me because I am waiting AND working at it.
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."
I hear this one quite often.
Here's my only problem with it. It's a pretty simple one actually.
If you are comfortable wanting what you have, how would you know what other possibilities are out there that you might want to try?
A little philisophical perhaps.
The way I see it, if you want what you have, that's great. If you want something you don't have, you can sometimes work hard and get it. And then there are the things you work towards that may be you get and maybe you don't but you are always striving for.
Those are called Dreams.
So if you are striving for your dreams and don't yet have them, but are working hard, does the quote in my title still hold true?
I don't know.
I simply don't.
I know what I want. I have about 75% of the things that I want in life. I am very comfortable with these odds. The 25% that I don't have feels like 200% though.
The same person who commented that I don't take enough care of myself has also commented that with hard work a person can achieve exactly what they want.
I find that easy to believe on some levels and hard to believe on others.
I suppose like anything else in life, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.", is probably full of exceptions.
I think I am one of them.
Why ???? Well it's simple. I was happy and content and wanted exactly what I had. Was perfectly happy. Didn't need anything else. Then that changed and I was put into a state of confusion and now I want things that I didn't even really care about before. And yes, they will make me terrbily, delioursly happy.
There was a thaw on my heart.
And now I have to figure out how to live like this.
Here's my only problem with it. It's a pretty simple one actually.
If you are comfortable wanting what you have, how would you know what other possibilities are out there that you might want to try?
A little philisophical perhaps.
The way I see it, if you want what you have, that's great. If you want something you don't have, you can sometimes work hard and get it. And then there are the things you work towards that may be you get and maybe you don't but you are always striving for.
Those are called Dreams.
So if you are striving for your dreams and don't yet have them, but are working hard, does the quote in my title still hold true?
I don't know.
I simply don't.
I know what I want. I have about 75% of the things that I want in life. I am very comfortable with these odds. The 25% that I don't have feels like 200% though.
The same person who commented that I don't take enough care of myself has also commented that with hard work a person can achieve exactly what they want.
I find that easy to believe on some levels and hard to believe on others.
I suppose like anything else in life, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.", is probably full of exceptions.
I think I am one of them.
Why ???? Well it's simple. I was happy and content and wanted exactly what I had. Was perfectly happy. Didn't need anything else. Then that changed and I was put into a state of confusion and now I want things that I didn't even really care about before. And yes, they will make me terrbily, delioursly happy.
There was a thaw on my heart.
And now I have to figure out how to live like this.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Things I am learning about myself, about love and about life
The last few months have been enlightening to me.
I was accused of not taking care of myself. On more than one occasion by one person. I disagree on some points and I agree on others.
What I did say and maintain is "Hello kettle you ARE black". This person takes less care of themselves than I do.
You see, the term "taking care of myself" is a hard one. I care very much about myself. I am spending a lot of time taking care of my body and self image as that has taken a big hit in the past couple of years. I know why it did and while it's a valid reason, however it has a tendancy to take over, so I needed to let it go and move on. I gained all weight back that I had worked so hard to lose in the years before my dad passed and it's coming up on four years since he died and that also make me four years closer to a landmark birthday. So I bit the bullet when this person said to me, " you don't take care of yourself" and bumped up the good things I was ALREADY doing to get the weight off. I added the activity that I loathe so much. I actually like it now.
Then I started noticing that "care" had a different definition to me too. I care enough about myself to not get involved in situations that don't actively involve me. I also don't allow situations to happen that include me, without my permission. I don't mean to say that people ask my permission to involve me. I mean that I either allow the situation to happen to me or I decline and walk away and disassociate myself for some period of time.
Once I started doing this pretty frequently, I noticed it wasn't that hard.
For example. The Choral group I discussed yesterday. I am in the process of deciding to leave. I have three months to make that decision. Please DO NOT think that I am doing this in support for the director. I am not. I am doing this in support of ALL the past, present and future directors of this group. I am also doing it so that I do not have to watch the foundation crumble on my family legacy. Sad, but better if it folds up when I am not there, Less painful.
I am learning about love the hard way. I am in the middle of a life lesson that I am not entirely sure how it's supposed to go. Either I am supposed to acknowledge the feelings that I have had for 8-10 years and finally get over them OR I am supposed to learn the art of patience because the only person I have ever truly loved has walked back into my life in the right capactiy. Maybe this is our time FINALLY. Maybe it's not. Maybe its the lesson that teaches me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in for myself ? Or some combination of the above. What I want and what I am supposed to learn may end up being the same and they may end up being different. I am having a hard time believing that a loving and caring God would bring this situation back to me in this fashion without a plan for us to be together in the long run.
I pray for guidance on these items and I also pray for the outcome that I want with them as well.
I have discovered that life is funny, life is messy and dramatic. I hate the drama, I hate the gossip, but honestly, without it, I am living a half life. I am not fully living becuase I am not fully feeling. I realized that after Easter this year. I was not taking care of myself because I was living in the middle of the emotional spectrum rather than experiencing the Highs and Lows. Understand this. The middle is a nice resting place to hang out in when you are trying to recover your strength ( physical or emotonal) after something traumatic happens. It also takes a lot of additional work to not want the drama in your life. It sometimes takes an act of congress to put up the barrier that says "drama stay the hell out!".
But in the end, reality has a way of creeping up on you. Life is messy. YOu can't live fully without experiencing the high's and lows that come with it. So while the middle is a good resting place, it should only be used as that - A resting place. You can't love fully there.
I didn't think that was true. I didn't believe that I could be happy with the highs and the lows. Well, the lows. But the resting place gave me the strength to experience the highs and lows and handle the highs wonderfully with some AMAZING memories and handle the lows in a way that doesn't enable a full blown depression that would normally send me far away to hibernate.
I handle a lot of things better. I am better able to say "no" to situations that are not acceptable to me or good for me. And withstand the pressure when people try to change my mind.
I am better equipped to deal with my challenges of health and work.
A brilliant mind recently told me that they were envious of my situation. I have never had anyone be envious of me for any reason ever. It was a strange sensation. But not a bad one. I cannot imagine anyone choosing the path my life is on right now. And then I realize that I did choose. I could have said "No, I refuse to put myself in that position again". The risk of saying NO to the possibility was greater than the risk of having my heart broken. So I chose the path that I am on and will see it through to some point. The difference now, for me, is that I am 8-10 years older and I know more about myself and about the situation. I can mae some better educated decisions about what I will and won't tolerate.
And for all of you who know the story - did you know that throwing a drink at someone actually qualifies as "battery" ??? I just found that out in conversation and found that terribly funny. I guess I am lucky I didn't throw the waterford glass too! And that the person doesn't remember the drink got thrown!
I was accused of not taking care of myself. On more than one occasion by one person. I disagree on some points and I agree on others.
What I did say and maintain is "Hello kettle you ARE black". This person takes less care of themselves than I do.
You see, the term "taking care of myself" is a hard one. I care very much about myself. I am spending a lot of time taking care of my body and self image as that has taken a big hit in the past couple of years. I know why it did and while it's a valid reason, however it has a tendancy to take over, so I needed to let it go and move on. I gained all weight back that I had worked so hard to lose in the years before my dad passed and it's coming up on four years since he died and that also make me four years closer to a landmark birthday. So I bit the bullet when this person said to me, " you don't take care of yourself" and bumped up the good things I was ALREADY doing to get the weight off. I added the activity that I loathe so much. I actually like it now.
Then I started noticing that "care" had a different definition to me too. I care enough about myself to not get involved in situations that don't actively involve me. I also don't allow situations to happen that include me, without my permission. I don't mean to say that people ask my permission to involve me. I mean that I either allow the situation to happen to me or I decline and walk away and disassociate myself for some period of time.
Once I started doing this pretty frequently, I noticed it wasn't that hard.
For example. The Choral group I discussed yesterday. I am in the process of deciding to leave. I have three months to make that decision. Please DO NOT think that I am doing this in support for the director. I am not. I am doing this in support of ALL the past, present and future directors of this group. I am also doing it so that I do not have to watch the foundation crumble on my family legacy. Sad, but better if it folds up when I am not there, Less painful.
I am learning about love the hard way. I am in the middle of a life lesson that I am not entirely sure how it's supposed to go. Either I am supposed to acknowledge the feelings that I have had for 8-10 years and finally get over them OR I am supposed to learn the art of patience because the only person I have ever truly loved has walked back into my life in the right capactiy. Maybe this is our time FINALLY. Maybe it's not. Maybe its the lesson that teaches me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in for myself ? Or some combination of the above. What I want and what I am supposed to learn may end up being the same and they may end up being different. I am having a hard time believing that a loving and caring God would bring this situation back to me in this fashion without a plan for us to be together in the long run.
I pray for guidance on these items and I also pray for the outcome that I want with them as well.
I have discovered that life is funny, life is messy and dramatic. I hate the drama, I hate the gossip, but honestly, without it, I am living a half life. I am not fully living becuase I am not fully feeling. I realized that after Easter this year. I was not taking care of myself because I was living in the middle of the emotional spectrum rather than experiencing the Highs and Lows. Understand this. The middle is a nice resting place to hang out in when you are trying to recover your strength ( physical or emotonal) after something traumatic happens. It also takes a lot of additional work to not want the drama in your life. It sometimes takes an act of congress to put up the barrier that says "drama stay the hell out!".
But in the end, reality has a way of creeping up on you. Life is messy. YOu can't live fully without experiencing the high's and lows that come with it. So while the middle is a good resting place, it should only be used as that - A resting place. You can't love fully there.
I didn't think that was true. I didn't believe that I could be happy with the highs and the lows. Well, the lows. But the resting place gave me the strength to experience the highs and lows and handle the highs wonderfully with some AMAZING memories and handle the lows in a way that doesn't enable a full blown depression that would normally send me far away to hibernate.
I handle a lot of things better. I am better able to say "no" to situations that are not acceptable to me or good for me. And withstand the pressure when people try to change my mind.
I am better equipped to deal with my challenges of health and work.
A brilliant mind recently told me that they were envious of my situation. I have never had anyone be envious of me for any reason ever. It was a strange sensation. But not a bad one. I cannot imagine anyone choosing the path my life is on right now. And then I realize that I did choose. I could have said "No, I refuse to put myself in that position again". The risk of saying NO to the possibility was greater than the risk of having my heart broken. So I chose the path that I am on and will see it through to some point. The difference now, for me, is that I am 8-10 years older and I know more about myself and about the situation. I can mae some better educated decisions about what I will and won't tolerate.
And for all of you who know the story - did you know that throwing a drink at someone actually qualifies as "battery" ??? I just found that out in conversation and found that terribly funny. I guess I am lucky I didn't throw the waterford glass too! And that the person doesn't remember the drink got thrown!
Saturday, May 12, 2007
On resignation
Resignation comes in so many forms.
The two I had to deal with tonight were of the paper kind.
My director/Vocal Coach turned in his resignation to the group that I sing with. He just completed out his Third year with a performance of the Faure Requiem and Stravinsky Symphony of Psalms.
I will tell you that it's a bad thing as far as I am concerned. Not because he's my vocal coach, he is. Not because he's a fantastic director - he is that too.
But this group has a reputation now. We chew through directors. All the people worth anything are leaving. And we can't pay the money that is needed to attract seasoned, talented music directors willing and wishing to perform Master Works.
It hurts me because my uncle and my dad founded this group. It was their baby. They nurtured it and help it grow until my Uncle retired and turned the baton over to my dad. My dad continued on until his health had declined to a point where he turned the baton over to the woman he had both hired at the school where they taught and mentored her as well. He continued to sing with us until he passed away. Shortly before he died, we were interviewing new directors as the woman declined to continue.
We came across a young man who was a dynamic conductor, he was young, fresh, excited to be a part of the group, wanted to do master works.
We opted out of his contract renewal 1 year later. He was wanting to make is into an A Cappela group and we weren't having that. Not exclusively. Occasionally it's fun - but not an entire program. He was very talented and there is little doubt in my mind that he would have left us to pursue bigger things eventually. Our board just got there first.
So we hire my vocal coach. He is a musical genious and extremely talented director. Why did our board stsart forcing him out? Seriously.... it's an embarassment to me that I belong to such an immature group of adults. They started talking behind his back, polling hte membership, all those childish things that I detest. The bottom line, they didn't like that he wasn't a good administrator.
Now I ask you. If you have a full compliment on the board of directors ( President, Past Pres, VP, treasurer, Secretary, Pormotions, financial committee, Music Library) Why on EARTH should the Music Director need to administer ANYTHING???? He has a board to that crap for him!!!!
Except wiht this board - only 2-3 positions ACTUALLY do any work. our Pres - excellent, even signed on to do another year ar his peril as it turns out. And the poor guy doesn't even know about the resignation yet. Secretary - wondeerful, lovely person, works like a dog gets very little thanks and had to be the sad recipient of the letter. And dlastly, our treasurer. She a different one. She works hard and is very effective, but she is one of the yipey yentas of our group.
So our half functioning board of directors is comprised of the people most willing to do work in a group fo 45 people who do nothing. The people that got voted in still wish to do nothing and find ways to do it.
Our accompanist said it succinctly today. This is like a little club. everyone wants the club to run according to their individual needs and when that fails - they modify and adapt the rules so they can the director out the door.
I'm angry but in a strange position. A friend of mine may apply and I will have to support her if she decides to go for it and of course if she gets it. But as I may have mentioned, she will be fully and duly warned. I will make sure of it.
I'm angry and sad. This group has been around for most of my life. If this board keeps doing this, we will end up with no group. The motivations are that they want to have the original director back and force each subsequent one to succumb to it or have the job threatened. The VP wants full musical control so she can pick the rep and makes sure there are solos for her in there. I really think that if my friend doesn't get the job, I may just be done with this group. My dad would absolutely defend my decisions on this.
So knowing that the resignation was turned in was tough.
Then I turned in mine. It's not as much a resignation so much as decline of offered position. I sent out the decline for the presidency today. I included no reasons or details. I just thanked the committee for considering me a worthwhile choice but I would have to decline. I am not going to cite my step mom as a reason, or my insanely crazy life that I can't manage right now at all or anything like that. I have no intentions on elaborating and I am officially not taking the calls from this committee for a few days and I am certainly not going to my meeting this week.
Someday I may want to be president of some group - but Kiwanis? No. THe choral group? Never.
My poor dad. I'm glad he's gone so as not to put him through this. My uncle is alive though and I pray that he doesn't get wind of this.
I do not know how the whole thing will shape up to be honest. Our secretary is has the resignation letter. I advised her not to announce it at the diner after the performance. I advised and suggested to her that she might be better off waiting for the president to return from his trip on Monday and speak to him first and let him handle it. The president and the director are 20_+ year friends. Perhaps something can be corrected or adjusted. I don't know.
I just don't know.
In the grand scheme of what is happening in my world, I am disgusted by the childish behaviour of a group whose average age is 67 years old. Having not been elected the board a second year in a row ( mercifully I was smart enough not to run again) at my own decision, I don't have to deal with the inner workings. I thank GOD for that. I will demand that I be on the search committee for a new director. that's a sub committee that the director gets to create.
If I remain.
Time will tell.
The two I had to deal with tonight were of the paper kind.
My director/Vocal Coach turned in his resignation to the group that I sing with. He just completed out his Third year with a performance of the Faure Requiem and Stravinsky Symphony of Psalms.
I will tell you that it's a bad thing as far as I am concerned. Not because he's my vocal coach, he is. Not because he's a fantastic director - he is that too.
But this group has a reputation now. We chew through directors. All the people worth anything are leaving. And we can't pay the money that is needed to attract seasoned, talented music directors willing and wishing to perform Master Works.
It hurts me because my uncle and my dad founded this group. It was their baby. They nurtured it and help it grow until my Uncle retired and turned the baton over to my dad. My dad continued on until his health had declined to a point where he turned the baton over to the woman he had both hired at the school where they taught and mentored her as well. He continued to sing with us until he passed away. Shortly before he died, we were interviewing new directors as the woman declined to continue.
We came across a young man who was a dynamic conductor, he was young, fresh, excited to be a part of the group, wanted to do master works.
We opted out of his contract renewal 1 year later. He was wanting to make is into an A Cappela group and we weren't having that. Not exclusively. Occasionally it's fun - but not an entire program. He was very talented and there is little doubt in my mind that he would have left us to pursue bigger things eventually. Our board just got there first.
So we hire my vocal coach. He is a musical genious and extremely talented director. Why did our board stsart forcing him out? Seriously.... it's an embarassment to me that I belong to such an immature group of adults. They started talking behind his back, polling hte membership, all those childish things that I detest. The bottom line, they didn't like that he wasn't a good administrator.
Now I ask you. If you have a full compliment on the board of directors ( President, Past Pres, VP, treasurer, Secretary, Pormotions, financial committee, Music Library) Why on EARTH should the Music Director need to administer ANYTHING???? He has a board to that crap for him!!!!
Except wiht this board - only 2-3 positions ACTUALLY do any work. our Pres - excellent, even signed on to do another year ar his peril as it turns out. And the poor guy doesn't even know about the resignation yet. Secretary - wondeerful, lovely person, works like a dog gets very little thanks and had to be the sad recipient of the letter. And dlastly, our treasurer. She a different one. She works hard and is very effective, but she is one of the yipey yentas of our group.
So our half functioning board of directors is comprised of the people most willing to do work in a group fo 45 people who do nothing. The people that got voted in still wish to do nothing and find ways to do it.
Our accompanist said it succinctly today. This is like a little club. everyone wants the club to run according to their individual needs and when that fails - they modify and adapt the rules so they can the director out the door.
I'm angry but in a strange position. A friend of mine may apply and I will have to support her if she decides to go for it and of course if she gets it. But as I may have mentioned, she will be fully and duly warned. I will make sure of it.
I'm angry and sad. This group has been around for most of my life. If this board keeps doing this, we will end up with no group. The motivations are that they want to have the original director back and force each subsequent one to succumb to it or have the job threatened. The VP wants full musical control so she can pick the rep and makes sure there are solos for her in there. I really think that if my friend doesn't get the job, I may just be done with this group. My dad would absolutely defend my decisions on this.
So knowing that the resignation was turned in was tough.
Then I turned in mine. It's not as much a resignation so much as decline of offered position. I sent out the decline for the presidency today. I included no reasons or details. I just thanked the committee for considering me a worthwhile choice but I would have to decline. I am not going to cite my step mom as a reason, or my insanely crazy life that I can't manage right now at all or anything like that. I have no intentions on elaborating and I am officially not taking the calls from this committee for a few days and I am certainly not going to my meeting this week.
Someday I may want to be president of some group - but Kiwanis? No. THe choral group? Never.
My poor dad. I'm glad he's gone so as not to put him through this. My uncle is alive though and I pray that he doesn't get wind of this.
I do not know how the whole thing will shape up to be honest. Our secretary is has the resignation letter. I advised her not to announce it at the diner after the performance. I advised and suggested to her that she might be better off waiting for the president to return from his trip on Monday and speak to him first and let him handle it. The president and the director are 20_+ year friends. Perhaps something can be corrected or adjusted. I don't know.
I just don't know.
In the grand scheme of what is happening in my world, I am disgusted by the childish behaviour of a group whose average age is 67 years old. Having not been elected the board a second year in a row ( mercifully I was smart enough not to run again) at my own decision, I don't have to deal with the inner workings. I thank GOD for that. I will demand that I be on the search committee for a new director. that's a sub committee that the director gets to create.
If I remain.
Time will tell.
At the risk of sounding like a broken record
Dear Friends and Bloggers,
I realize to most of you who regularly read, I must sound like a broken record. I must sound like a whiny woman who is crying for the moon.
I have to tell you that this Blog is so important to me because this is the one place that I use to sound out my feelings, blow off steam without saying harmful things to people and to get som of my ideas andn opinions out there.
So therefore, if I seem repetitive, you need to chalk it up to the blow off steam and sound out my feelings portion of "why I blog". And while it is important to me that my readers, um, read, it is actualy more important that I get what I have to say off my chest.
I think the reason that I am overall handling these massive challenges that are coming at me all at once, better than I normally do, is because I blog. I put my feelings and opinions down and when I am done, I can walk away feeling better. I think more clearly and see the situation that may be bothering me slightly more objectively.
So I will start today by thanking you all for you patience, love and support.
****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Situations demanding my attention that cause me stress:
On Being President:
I have decided officially that I am not going to be president. I have no guilt feelings over this decision. It is the right one for me and I will stand by it. I am not afraid to tell my friends AND family that I just don't wish to hold that position. I have never wanted it and taking it on with out the desire, is just foolish. An not fair to the group.
On Feeling Foolish and Getting and Giving Help:
I am not embarassed or ashamed that I went to my priest for help and support. He asked me some questions that I knew were coming... I don't think I would have phrased them the same way, but thats neither here nor there. He acknowledged what he saw ( which is what everyone who has been in contact has seen) and understood why I remain involved in the situation at all. He also understands that what happened 10 years ago really plays a major part in what is happening today. Based on all the history and the current triangle / pay it forward / family illnesses situation, I have temporarily decided to wait and see. I can't and will not do this forever as my sanity cannot tolerate that. If I must, I will issue my ultimatum and fade silently away for awhile. I don't wish to do that. By doing that, I will inflict more pain on someone who is already tortured. I can't live with that even if it is the right thing to do for myself. I can't sacrifice someone else for my happiness. and Certainly not someone that I love. This topic is going to crop up now and again and I beg your indulgence on it as I am really not as good at this as I wish I were. I have wonderful friends, but I fear they are tired of listening to me.
Health:
I am continuing to exercize and eat right. I owe that to myself. I am looking better, my eyes are now adjusted to the contacts and I really like them. I tore one in half during my dress reahearsal and didn't even notice that half was stuffed in the corner of my eye! That was too funny.... My B/P continues to average right in the normal area.
Music:
My director is resigning tonight after our performance. He is sick of hte politics and the crap that is going on and I do not blame him. This is Romper Room for adults with some Choral MAsterworks thrown in. Depending on what happens with a new director ( A friend of mine was put up for the job already) I will completely support her but I am going to warn her, once she decides, what she is dealing with. This crew has never done that and I don't think it's fair. So I will do it myself and arm her with the information up front.
Family:
My stepmom is going to be very agnry and upset with me after this weekend. I really feel badly that I don't care that much. It's not that I don't care about her, but her reasons will be superficial and she will handle it by badmouthing me behind my back. I wish I could care abouot that, but I really can't. She will get one warning if I hear it, and then after that, she is on her own. I don't have that much tolerance these days.
Please do not mistake this for "A plan checkpoint". It's not. It's just me outlining the area's in my life that are causing me stress and where I am at.
If I take everything else away - the reason I went to see my priest is the biggest one weighing on my mind.
I hope everyone enjoys a Happy Mothers Day!
I realize to most of you who regularly read, I must sound like a broken record. I must sound like a whiny woman who is crying for the moon.
I have to tell you that this Blog is so important to me because this is the one place that I use to sound out my feelings, blow off steam without saying harmful things to people and to get som of my ideas andn opinions out there.
So therefore, if I seem repetitive, you need to chalk it up to the blow off steam and sound out my feelings portion of "why I blog". And while it is important to me that my readers, um, read, it is actualy more important that I get what I have to say off my chest.
I think the reason that I am overall handling these massive challenges that are coming at me all at once, better than I normally do, is because I blog. I put my feelings and opinions down and when I am done, I can walk away feeling better. I think more clearly and see the situation that may be bothering me slightly more objectively.
So I will start today by thanking you all for you patience, love and support.
****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Situations demanding my attention that cause me stress:
On Being President:
I have decided officially that I am not going to be president. I have no guilt feelings over this decision. It is the right one for me and I will stand by it. I am not afraid to tell my friends AND family that I just don't wish to hold that position. I have never wanted it and taking it on with out the desire, is just foolish. An not fair to the group.
On Feeling Foolish and Getting and Giving Help:
I am not embarassed or ashamed that I went to my priest for help and support. He asked me some questions that I knew were coming... I don't think I would have phrased them the same way, but thats neither here nor there. He acknowledged what he saw ( which is what everyone who has been in contact has seen) and understood why I remain involved in the situation at all. He also understands that what happened 10 years ago really plays a major part in what is happening today. Based on all the history and the current triangle / pay it forward / family illnesses situation, I have temporarily decided to wait and see. I can't and will not do this forever as my sanity cannot tolerate that. If I must, I will issue my ultimatum and fade silently away for awhile. I don't wish to do that. By doing that, I will inflict more pain on someone who is already tortured. I can't live with that even if it is the right thing to do for myself. I can't sacrifice someone else for my happiness. and Certainly not someone that I love. This topic is going to crop up now and again and I beg your indulgence on it as I am really not as good at this as I wish I were. I have wonderful friends, but I fear they are tired of listening to me.
Health:
I am continuing to exercize and eat right. I owe that to myself. I am looking better, my eyes are now adjusted to the contacts and I really like them. I tore one in half during my dress reahearsal and didn't even notice that half was stuffed in the corner of my eye! That was too funny.... My B/P continues to average right in the normal area.
Music:
My director is resigning tonight after our performance. He is sick of hte politics and the crap that is going on and I do not blame him. This is Romper Room for adults with some Choral MAsterworks thrown in. Depending on what happens with a new director ( A friend of mine was put up for the job already) I will completely support her but I am going to warn her, once she decides, what she is dealing with. This crew has never done that and I don't think it's fair. So I will do it myself and arm her with the information up front.
Family:
My stepmom is going to be very agnry and upset with me after this weekend. I really feel badly that I don't care that much. It's not that I don't care about her, but her reasons will be superficial and she will handle it by badmouthing me behind my back. I wish I could care abouot that, but I really can't. She will get one warning if I hear it, and then after that, she is on her own. I don't have that much tolerance these days.
Please do not mistake this for "A plan checkpoint". It's not. It's just me outlining the area's in my life that are causing me stress and where I am at.
If I take everything else away - the reason I went to see my priest is the biggest one weighing on my mind.
I hope everyone enjoys a Happy Mothers Day!
Friday, May 11, 2007
On Being President
I recieved a call today. One I wasn't happy to get.
My local Kiwanis chapter wants me to be president.
Now I should tell you that they want me to be president so that my step mom WON'T be.
I have made this statement loud and clear from every mountaintop available. I WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT WHILE SHE IS ALIVE AND ACTIVE IN THE CLUB.
Because she was a successful president 3x. And a Lt. Gov for the District. And now PR and training for the state.
Being President requires an immense amount of work, time, effort and money. I have effort. I can't afford the time. I can't afford the finance. I would love the publicity. But I don't want it if I don't earn it.
So here are my list of pro's and con's:
Pros:
My local Kiwanis chapter wants me to be president.
Now I should tell you that they want me to be president so that my step mom WON'T be.
I have made this statement loud and clear from every mountaintop available. I WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT WHILE SHE IS ALIVE AND ACTIVE IN THE CLUB.
Because she was a successful president 3x. And a Lt. Gov for the District. And now PR and training for the state.
Being President requires an immense amount of work, time, effort and money. I have effort. I can't afford the time. I can't afford the finance. I would love the publicity. But I don't want it if I don't earn it.
So here are my list of pro's and con's:
Pros:
- I am good at leadership
- I can hand pick my secretary
- I get a big party in my honor
- Twice
- Lots of good photo ops
- Lots of good ops to do community service
- I get a slush fund of some reasonable amount to use as I see fit
- I have "supposedly" a wonderful support system and can request my board.
Cons:
- I nevver wanted to be president
- If I don't do everything the way step mom did, I am guaranteed to be subject to criticsm by her for the rest of my natural life
- I can't be the president that does everything - and she was
- I don't have the financial means to do the job the right way
- While yes, I have the support system, this group of 75 members only has about 10 that do the work
- That ten can't compensate for a president that can't be there for everything
- It's an enormous time commitment and I work two jobs.
- I have so many stress elements right now that adding to it with this is causing me great anxiety and
- Having guilt tossed at me that the club will fold if I don't step to plate is cruel.
- I don't like the "it's you or HER" attitude either
- If one MORE person calls me to convince me I will shoot them personally.
- I can't eat out that much. It's not good or healthy for me. Seriously I know this is stupid one....lol
As you can see, I have more cons than pros. My gutt says DO NOT DO THIS. Having people rely on me to do it is very hard to deal with.
I am all twisted and tangled here. I am now shelving the topic until Sunday. NO more thinking or discussing it. The answer will show itself on Sunday.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
On trying to get my emotional act together
I need to start out by saying that I feel physically good.
I am losing weight pretty nicely at this point - almost 10LBs down.
The activity is ramped up nicely.... I have added upper body weights to the mix 3 times a week.
I put in my green contacts and the most popular compliment that I am getting is that they look natural on me. It really shouldn't be a stretch given that my eyes are hazel and the green that I chose is the same green as the flecks in my real eyes.
I am dressing more figure appropriate. I used to try and hide my figure because I idn't like it, but not anymore....
I had my counseling session. I am grateful that I had it. It didn't tell me anything new, I didn't gain any major insites. All that happened was he forced me to say out loud to another human being what I had already mentally come around to. I didn't and still don't like it. I am not comfortable with it. Not yet and maybe not ever. We'll see how this goes.
I reallly don't want to divulge too muchc more of my counseling session. It's more personal than I am prepared to go. But he is praying for me and my situation and for me that's truly an important thing. I need all the help I can get right now.
The truth is, I am doing OK on the day to day. I am still watching what I eat, working out when my emotional heart is tired and hurting, in fact, I work my poor body to the point where I can't remember what was bothering me without a struggle. It certainly enables me to sleep well at night. I guess that's endorphins though I have never actually experienced that high. I am checking my b/p 2 times a day. all within normal limits by the way. I am teaching my kids and taking care of my skin and doing my hair and makeup. I am managing my allergies.
And what is this going to net me in the end?
If I am honest with myself, I am not motivated by internal fire. Not by a stretch. Well it is an actual internal fire, but not the self improvement kind. I am using it to that end to occupy my time so I don't retreat and crawl into my shell.
I am kind of touchy right now too. I am injured by the slightest thing - both real and imagined. My emotions are sadly that close to the surface. If I call or email someone and they don't return the email/call, I may think that they are busy but I may just as easily think they are upset and angry with me. I know it's irrational and a little bit cuckoo - but this how I go.
The difference between this happening to me in my 20's and this happening to me slightly older, is I am using more logic and less emotion. Not NONE - please note. Just less.
I didn't cry today. I think that's a big improvement.
Oh and it hasn't escaped my notice that I have been on a whining spree lately.
Deal with it - it's my blog.
I am losing weight pretty nicely at this point - almost 10LBs down.
The activity is ramped up nicely.... I have added upper body weights to the mix 3 times a week.
I put in my green contacts and the most popular compliment that I am getting is that they look natural on me. It really shouldn't be a stretch given that my eyes are hazel and the green that I chose is the same green as the flecks in my real eyes.
I am dressing more figure appropriate. I used to try and hide my figure because I idn't like it, but not anymore....
I had my counseling session. I am grateful that I had it. It didn't tell me anything new, I didn't gain any major insites. All that happened was he forced me to say out loud to another human being what I had already mentally come around to. I didn't and still don't like it. I am not comfortable with it. Not yet and maybe not ever. We'll see how this goes.
I reallly don't want to divulge too muchc more of my counseling session. It's more personal than I am prepared to go. But he is praying for me and my situation and for me that's truly an important thing. I need all the help I can get right now.
The truth is, I am doing OK on the day to day. I am still watching what I eat, working out when my emotional heart is tired and hurting, in fact, I work my poor body to the point where I can't remember what was bothering me without a struggle. It certainly enables me to sleep well at night. I guess that's endorphins though I have never actually experienced that high. I am checking my b/p 2 times a day. all within normal limits by the way. I am teaching my kids and taking care of my skin and doing my hair and makeup. I am managing my allergies.
And what is this going to net me in the end?
If I am honest with myself, I am not motivated by internal fire. Not by a stretch. Well it is an actual internal fire, but not the self improvement kind. I am using it to that end to occupy my time so I don't retreat and crawl into my shell.
I am kind of touchy right now too. I am injured by the slightest thing - both real and imagined. My emotions are sadly that close to the surface. If I call or email someone and they don't return the email/call, I may think that they are busy but I may just as easily think they are upset and angry with me. I know it's irrational and a little bit cuckoo - but this how I go.
The difference between this happening to me in my 20's and this happening to me slightly older, is I am using more logic and less emotion. Not NONE - please note. Just less.
I didn't cry today. I think that's a big improvement.
Oh and it hasn't escaped my notice that I have been on a whining spree lately.
Deal with it - it's my blog.