On trying to get my emotional act together

I need to start out by saying that I feel physically good.

I am losing weight pretty nicely at this point - almost 10LBs down.

The activity is ramped up nicely.... I have added upper body weights to the mix 3 times a week.

I put in my green contacts and the most popular compliment that I am getting is that they look natural on me. It really shouldn't be a stretch given that my eyes are hazel and the green that I chose is the same green as the flecks in my real eyes.

I am dressing more figure appropriate. I used to try and hide my figure because I idn't like it, but not anymore....

I had my counseling session. I am grateful that I had it. It didn't tell me anything new, I didn't gain any major insites. All that happened was he forced me to say out loud to another human being what I had already mentally come around to. I didn't and still don't like it. I am not comfortable with it. Not yet and maybe not ever. We'll see how this goes.

I reallly don't want to divulge too muchc more of my counseling session. It's more personal than I am prepared to go. But he is praying for me and my situation and for me that's truly an important thing. I need all the help I can get right now.

The truth is, I am doing OK on the day to day. I am still watching what I eat, working out when my emotional heart is tired and hurting, in fact, I work my poor body to the point where I can't remember what was bothering me without a struggle. It certainly enables me to sleep well at night. I guess that's endorphins though I have never actually experienced that high. I am checking my b/p 2 times a day. all within normal limits by the way. I am teaching my kids and taking care of my skin and doing my hair and makeup. I am managing my allergies.

And what is this going to net me in the end?

If I am honest with myself, I am not motivated by internal fire. Not by a stretch. Well it is an actual internal fire, but not the self improvement kind. I am using it to that end to occupy my time so I don't retreat and crawl into my shell.

I am kind of touchy right now too. I am injured by the slightest thing - both real and imagined. My emotions are sadly that close to the surface. If I call or email someone and they don't return the email/call, I may think that they are busy but I may just as easily think they are upset and angry with me. I know it's irrational and a little bit cuckoo - but this how I go.

The difference between this happening to me in my 20's and this happening to me slightly older, is I am using more logic and less emotion. Not NONE - please note. Just less.

I didn't cry today. I think that's a big improvement.

Oh and it hasn't escaped my notice that I have been on a whining spree lately.

Deal with it - it's my blog.