I have to tell you, I have been really looking forward to meeting with Father Christopher tomorrow. All week... well, all month really.
And now here I am, the night before the appointment, feeling foolish and stupid that I am going to him for help on dealing with these life situations.
I realize that there is no reason to feel stupid and foolish. Really I know. I get it.
And yet, here I am, anxious and feeling really stupid and pitiful.
Oh - I should add - this isn't my first time talking to him. It's not. Not by a long stretch.
So why now?
I think the main problem is that in this area I should be able to handle myself. At my age, I should be able to handle this situation myself.
But I can't.
I want to. I really do. But hell, I know when to call it. It's a month in and I Can't manage it. I have too many conflicting ideas, too many conflicting emotions, too many ulitimatums ( none of which are mine or meant for me) and way too much history to navigate this without help.
So why do I feel idiotic? Seriously? And I feel stupid talking to someone I care about and trust? Someone who cares about me ?
I think it's the expectation of being strong and independent. I am both of those. But I think that being strong and independent also includes knowing when you need help and having the strength to ask for it.
I was strong enough to ask for it but I find myself waffling and wanting to cancel. I won't, because if I do I know I will regret it. And I really do want to talk to him.
I will keep the appointment. But I really feel foolish.
2 comments:
Though feeling foolish is normal, I think you're smart in keeping the appointment. Someone like you - strong, talented, together, a source of support for others - would, I think, naturally want to continue to project that energy. But it sounds as though you know your minister well and you have an established mutual appreciation. I hope telling him some of your concerns and thoughts makes things clearer for you.
Feeling foolish for a little while is much better than being unhappy for a long time. I should remember that. :)
I know that you are right. IN my logical mind - I know all of these things, but I still feel like a stupid junior kid who can't get it together.
At my age, that's a foolish feeling. Scrath that - I imagine at any age that would be a foolish feeling.
But I am still going. I'm busy picking out an outfit mentally - I don't want to look like I feel!
I've never worked this hard to keep up normal appearances and not go underground. I am handling this better over all but not well enough.
Thanks Post-Doc - you are right!!!!
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