Fear - revisited

My dear friend's mom passed away 2 weeks ago.

I woke up in the morning, it was a Friday I remember. I had a bunch of silly facebook things from her between 6-8 AM which is when her son is having his breakfast.

Then I saw her status at 9.

" I am devastated. My mom just passed away".

And I fell apart.

I have never met her mom in person though we have spoken on the phone numerous times over the years.

Her mom was diagnosed a few months ago with Cancer of the throat. It had transferred to the brain though that didn't appear malignant.

What they didn't know, was that it also spread to the the lungs. THe Squamesh Cell Carcinoma had spread to her lungs. Ultimately killing her, though the death vertificate reads Cardiac Arrest.

In trying to help my friend sort through this via email I started to realise that I was sobbing. And So happy that Jon was in the next room.

How could I even tell him that her mom passed away from the very cancer that he has? THe one they said was not terminal? I realise that each situation is very specific and individual, but this puts a definite twist on things - don't you think?

He walks in a few minutes later and I was composed and continuing to write my response to her. I told him that i had heard from her and what she was busy doing and the memorial plans and he commented that it would be truly ideal if we had the money to fly down for it, but we don't so that's out. She knew that. She was OK with that and really didn't expect it.

I let it go at that. He had enough trouble her mom passing as it was. I really can't, in good conscience, tell him that she passed due to a freak spread ( really fast too) of this cancer. His mind - he will go straight to "If it spread that quickyl with her, what's to prevent it from happening to me like that". I don't want him living life scared. At all. ever.

This brought a lot into perspective. I have been holding on to him so tightly that he is itching to break free a bit. It's out of fear that something will happen to him again the minute I am out of sight. The price I am paying for this is too high though. It nearly cost me my best friend in the world. I won't do that. I won't sacrifice that relationship for this one - and he isn't asking me too.

This issue has been brought into a really specific relief right now. HE doesn't know all of it, but he knows I am upset about the whole thing. He decided that we were going to a play in the city together. We are going to get a crowd together and pack the place. It's a great idea. I love it.

I am erring on the side of life. THe secret will eat at me for awhile but it has to be mine.

At least for now.