The Plan: Month 5 - the birthday doth approacheth

Month 5 was a really crazy month full of more ups and more downs than I think I have had in the last 12 months. I made a lot of progress in almost all areas.....at least the ones that were important to me this month.


Scenario 1 - Health

Exercise: I am maintaining my exercize plan though I took a few days off this week for good behaviour. truthfully I took a few days off to accommodate some work issues. I will be going back tomorrow.

Food - Hit a lovely plateau and then moved past it. I'm very happy about that and noticing that my appetite has actually decreased. AND I am no longer emotionally eating. I do need more veggies but fruit and dairy is kicking some nice booty.

Journal - I continue to journal every single day. Every bite of food, every bit of activity. I have added a space for my daily weight taken in the morning. My daily resting heart rate. I check my blood pressure once in the morning when I wake up and again before I go to bed. Unless I feel really stressed or pressured. Then I check it again to see where it's at. It's a good gauge because I really do tend to internalize things. I have been better about it. but it does factor into the blood pressure.

Overall Health Management - I went back on the birth control pills with no adverse reaction to blood pressure. Yay me. I hate not being on them. For a variety of reasons.

Scenario 2 - Job/Career
Leader is making me a little bit nuts. He doesn't think before he speaks. His answer when face with a problem, change whose addressing it. I feel undervalued and expressed that. I feel that I am taking the bulk of the heat from him when he is called on the carpet by his boss. I have expressed to him that I feel like he is forcing me out of a job and he thought I was crazy. Which I may be. One of the things my team has noticed is he likes pushing the button for job insecurity with me. So I had a heart to heart with Poodle and decided that I was not going to respond or react to those danglers. Instead I will address the content through which they are coming from only. If a defense is needed, it will be succinct and not reactionary. I am deciding that I am going to be in a good mood at work and that everything is going to be awesome every day. It worked today and I was busy as hell, but in a great mood and very productive.

Scenario 3 - My home
House is still clean - in fact it's being cleaned tomorrow. I lost the vacuum cleaner bags. I found them as soon as I bought new ones - Argh! so I won't need new ones for quite some time. I still haven't taken the time to change my curtains and slip covers. Maybe we'll do that on my birthday.....

Scenario 4 - finances
Got paid some extra $$$ for working the recital for my kids - I wish I had been in a better frame of mind to enjoy it more. But it was a panicky thing for me.

I got my car serviced, got my inspection done and now I need to get my new registration.

The IRS rudely sucked up all of my tax refund and the bad news is I still owe - but it's much lower now.... so that's good. I just keep paying them monthly.... You know what they say - nothing is guaranteed except death and taxes!

Scenario 5 - Education
My last kid FINALLY went to competition. NO idea how he did score-wise. But all accounts say he kicked BUTT. He was a nervous wreck. He's so adorable and has so much talent and promise.

My two other voice students came back with 28's - perfect scores on their songs. I couldn't have been prouder of them both. All my kids did so well this year. I'm thrilled for them.

I am singing a solo from Brigadoon ON my birthday. Waitin' for my dearie. Oh dearie....

Lessons are still going well. I am most likely not going back to Bel Canto in the fall. I doubt they will even have a new director since my coach turned in his resignation after the last concert. I am more or less disgusted by the situation political and otherwise. My step mom, while I love her, will never be able to support a new director since my dad. We just had our third one separate and she turns on all of them the minute they make an error. it's like she has everything scripted, but they aren't allowed to see the script. So if they go off script, they get written out of the final act. I can't continue to participate in a group that operates like this. So I'll take a semester or two off for sure and see where they end up. I hate to abandon ship but it's not right.

Scenario 6 - Family & Friends
My family is wonderful. My sister looks well, Munch is a stunning and wonderful baby. Anna Banana is quite the charmer now - smiling and flriting with everyone. Sucking on beer bottles ( her fathers idea and they are empty). My parents were in good form. We had a lovely early Fathers day in NJ. It was the anniversary of my dad's passing. I miss him a lot but I really try to live my life to make him proud.

I am still spending a lot of time with my best friend. It's definately interesting. It's definately proven to me that I am willing to stand up for myself when needed and stand my ground when I am right. It has also taught me about apology ( his not mine) and showed me a lot of what's important to me is also important to him.

I am spending a lot of time with my best girl friend here in town too. I am starting to teach her son piano in exchange for laundry which is a dream for me. I hate doing laundry. I resent paying for it in my own building. So this arrangement works out for both of us. I love her family and her so much - they are so good to me. I am very lucky to have them in my world.

Scenario 7 - Self esteem
OK learned a LOT last month. A real lot. I have to say, living life in the middle is safe. Very safe. "Nothings gonna harm you, not while I'm around" runs through my head when I think of living in the middle.

But it's boring. Once I realized that life is about the ups and downs. And the middle. I was able to experience those things fully and enjoy them for what they are. Learn from them if they are mistakes.

I am probably living my life for better or worse and experiencing it for the first time in years. I am enjoying and savoring it, and I get some awesome stories to tell later. ( See the post on throwing a drink NOT a glass- it was a hoot!)

My self esteem is steadly going up or maintaining. In some areas I still feel lacking a bit but I am learning how to deal with that and improve myself as well.

Scenario - Faith
I saw my priest for some counseling. it was probably the single best thing I did in the month of May. While I really don't want or need to divulge the details of the session, I walked away taking part of the advice fairly immediately and tucking some away for some future date when I may or may not need it.

I am attending church weekly again. Something about the ritual makes me feel closer to God when I am there. I pray while I am there, not just go through the motions. I sing I rejoice and no matter how bad things feel at the time, I am loved there. By God and by Fr Chris and by my fellow parish family. It's a good place to be and a good thing to do. I sang a funeral there for a friend's grandfather 2 weeks ago. I spent Mother's day with that family as well. ( after being with my own mother of course).


Scenario - Inner Goddess
Tried the eyelash extensions. Not sure if we'll go back to well on that one again, but if I do they will be shorter for sure. They appear to be high maintenancec.

The green contacts are ME!!!! I love them - this is it.

Hair is colored. Hair is cut - too short. but it grows.

Had the pedicure.

Need to see Dentist still and dermatologist.

Bought new clothes - they are stunning. I look good them.



Overall I am pleased with the work that I have done here. I am continuing to do the work and make the progress. I am down 10 lbs. My WW attendance is low but I plan to bring that back up.


I am taking charge again. Watch out.

Pappa Do - I love you

"Life is the first gift, Love the second and understanding the third"

Marge Piercy

This quote says so much.

We are given life - a blank canvas, or a blank screen, or a blank sheet of staff paper. We are taught values, letters, numbers, speech.

We are taught HOW to love. And how to receive love.

But understanding as a gift? Many of us don't receive that until it's hind sight.

So it is with some hindsight understanding that I write this particular post.

A man helped create my life. He was my father. He helped raise me, thought not always in the conventional sense. Though he was the more conventional of my parents, circumstances didn't always allow him to raise us in the conventional method.

"Whatever is Flexible and loving will bend and grow. Whatever is rigid and blocked will wither and die."

Lao Tzu

Some might say that my dad was far from flexible. In some respects that is true. He refused to bend on commitment - you either made the commitment and followed through with it or you didn't, He didn't bend on striving for excellence - meaning he wished things to be as good or as excellent as possible but not perfect. He was very flexible when it came to some life lessons and very flexible when it came to loving his family. He was very flexible in loving God.

My dad and God had a huge falling out when I was about 8 years old. That was the year he moved out of our home. My father was raised by a very religious Methodist family. So for him to decide that he and God were through was pretty rough. He maintained his jobs with the churches but he did not take us.

My father felt that God had abandoned him when his marriage fell apart. As an adult, I can completely understand how he got to that conclusion. I really can. I can't imagine being in his shoes.

"You have to accept whatever comes and the only important thing is that you meet it with courage and with the best that you to give."

Eleanor Roosevelt

My dad would not have met my stepmom if he hadn't accepted the hand dealt to him in the divorce. Two people who spent their lives together having fun. Each one alone would not have had nearly the adventure that the two of them created together. To be sure, it wasn't always fun and games. But the pictures that I look back on, and they are considerablem are full of fun, happy faces, jokes being told.

" I tore myself away from the safe comfort of certainties through my love for truth, and truth rewarded me."

Simone de Beauvoir

In looking back on my relationship with my dad, I had a good one as a small child but there were a number of years in the middle that I can't speak to. My later teens and early 20's more specifically. It was when my dad called me and asked me if I would sing in his church choir as a favor to him and the choir that I have just resigned from, that our bond re-formed in a new fashion. A good Fashion. We had our music and that's what our center or truth was. When things didn't go right, we always had that to return to. I can honestly look back at having two very different relationships with my dad. Once I was willing to give up the emptiness of his not living in our home anymore, I was rewarded with a new, better relationship.

Loss is tough to deal with at any time. There is a common misconception that over time the wounds heal, we apply bandaids and promise never to look again, but they don't heal. The wounds stay there but they change. They become wonderful memorials to the person who is gone. Memories replace the pain. The pain in dulls into something manageable on a day to day basis.

I have been beastly for the past few weeks. Thoughtless in some cases, angry and defensive in others, weepy in still others and wildly happy at other times. Each emotion was a 'times 10' to the normal reality of my life. And while I do have certain circumstances that helped pull those along, I reacted to even the most mundane things more vehemently than I normally tend to.

It was a bit of a shock, when I sat in the bar Friday night listening to the last strains of "my life" by the Beatles die down as my best friend finished strumming his guitar. I got a little bit choked up. It took me by surprise because he had played that at another friend's father's funeral - not my dad's. But still, it really hit home.

I blinked back the tears as he started on his next tune and it dawned on me that Saturday was the 4 year marker of my dad's passing. I am not the type to dwell on those dates and things. I know the month perhaps, but that's usually it. I commented to my friend on his break that I was surprised it snuck up on me like that. He commented that I may not have conscioulsy known it but my behavior has been giving me away. Everything was not just reacted to but over reacted to, nothing negative - it just was. It's also a sign that grieving is ending and living and acknowledging my dad's life was beginning.

I miss him still. I know that he is proud of me. I know that he loved me on earth and loves me still in heaven. I miss and love him so much. I have so much I would talk to him about right now if he were here. I know the things he would tell me too.

So Pappa Do - I love you!

Bridges

I love bridges.

I know it's a little bit kookie and I admit it, but I love to drive over bridges. Especially if the weather is nice and the traffic is on the light side.

I happen to be blessed in living on an Island. Therefore, leaving it requires me to either cross a bridge, travel through a tunnel or get on a plane or boat.

I grew up on the South shore of this island. In order to get to the famed beaches, one had to take 1 to 2 bridges or a ferry. Or your own boat should you be in that tax bracket.

ON my end table there is a picture of the famed Robert Moses Bridge. I took this picture at night in the fog and really you see a shadowy outline with the lights on the bridge giving you the shape in the candle-like glow. It IS my favorite picture in the world. THough I no longer live there, and the house has since been leveled, I get a peaceful feeling when I look at that bridge.

I have been known to change my routes based on bridges. I LOVE Verizzano and the Tappan zee. I could cross that one all the time. I don't care for the Triborrough or the GW too much. I like the Throgs Neck.

My true fav is the Tappan Zee. it has the best approach and the best view by day.

When I am on these bridges I get this free feeling that comes over me. It washes the pain of anything that's bothering me away, It free's me from my troubles. I feel as if I am leaving the bad behind and going towards the good. It's almost a religious feeling.

Most of the time I am. When I am crossing these bridges it usually means I am going to see someone I love. These bridges mean I am going to see people like Lily, or Bernie ( by ext Lisa), My brother, or countless friends further North like MapleMama or Jax, or Poodle.

I watched a movie with a friend recently called Queens Logic. It's old it's from 1991. The central theme is about Queens borrough in NY more specifically the Queens side of the Hell's Gate Bridge ( another beauty but a freight bridge- not commercial). Halfway through the movie, it occurred to me that this bridge was going to be a pinnacle in this movie and I was right.

I also love the film "For love or Money" also from 1991, with Gabrielle Anwar and Michael J Fox. The movie is wonderful, but the final scenes are amongst my favs. They take place on the 59th street bridge. He is running toward her on one side and she on the other. As the music ( unbelievable orchestral score which I just bought - more on that later) swells you realize they are yelling key words for the film to each other - throwing away what seemed to be important for a time for the love that they realize they feel for each other in the moment.

It's sappy, very old fashioned MGM style love story - funny in spots. The music is what does it for me though.

I went to visit my youngest brother in NJ. He took us a different way than we normally go because of construction. This enabled me to go over the Verizzano Bridge and the outerbridge crossing.

I was in my glory because the day was perfect. It was sunny, warm but not too warm. The traffic was moving fairly well on the bridges themselves though not wonderfully well off them.

I had the soundtrack to For love or money on my CD player. The timing was ideal. Each time I was crossing a bridge, that scene would ironically be on my cd player at the moment.

I cry every time I hear it - since 1991. I am just sappy that way.

There's another song that I like to hear when I cross the Tz..... I Love you by the Climax Blues Band. I have no reason why - it just fits.

The Throgs Neck is NY state of mind by Billy Joel.

The Triborough is Adagio for Strings by Samual Barber. For those of you who do not know, I am related to Samual Barber. He is my Great Uncle. And I do not like this piece. UNLESS I am traveling over the Triborough Bridge. Alretnately Beethoven's 7th Symphony 2 movement. Or Chopin Intermezzo no 2 for Piano.

I love Bridges and the music that I associate with them is what helps make that special on each trip.

I have a trip coming up in 2 weeks. I am going to have pick the route and pick the tunes appropriately. We are going to Katonah ( where Martha Stewart Lives) for my birthday.

What better way to start and end it but by crossing bridges.

A behavioural change that I kind of like

I am an emotional eater.

Not bad emotions either - all of them - the good, the bad, the mundane.... all of the,m

And good lord, do not CREATE a reason for me to eat??? Hump day??? Beer and wings at the local pub? who's idea was this? They should be shot.

So it is without hesitation that I tell you that I have officially proven out the "I no longer eat out of stress" behavior.

Years and Years ago when I worked in NYC, My office building was a famous one - The former Pan Am building - now Met life building. It sits above Grand Central Station.

When Work stress would hit, I would change into my sneakers ( kept handy for commuting purposes) and do laps around the inside of GCS. For those of you who know it well.. that's walking from the escalators into Met life down to Zarro's bakery by the shuttle. walking the lenght of that, coming up the side near the famous oyster bar walking up the steep ramp to the opposite sided were the Metro north tracks are and back around 1 lap= a quarter mile.

I would pull off anywhere from 1-5 laps in about 20 mins then go back upstairs and get some water and back to work. I had my desk moved away from the break room with the vending machines though I would wander in there occasionally for a bottle of water.

this Behaviour change of doing ANYTHING BUT EAT during stress really carried me through. I took a large hit when my dad died 4 years ago tomorrow. I ate anything that was nailed down. Seriously we have an expression at Weight Watchers.... you can make a bomb out of anything. I do believe they were talking about me - I had once found myself eating bakers chocolate and I don't even LIKE chocolate all that much.

So you see this is a good thing.

You all know I have been under some stress between work, personal and medical lately.

I have still manageed to hit my 10 lb mile stone yesterday. I still use exercize as a means to combat emotional behaviour. I just don't have the grand concourse to walk....

Sometimes I miss those laps. I got to see a lot of neat things I wouldn't have had the opp to see.

But the change while it took years to really take on me... did eventually work.

That's what I am proud of as my next birthday looms close.

OH yes - one more thing

I'm prepared to hear I told you so - I just would prefer not for awhile.

Did you ever think you were backwards?

I think I am.

Backwards, that is.

I have never really experienced fear. Not serious fear at any rate.

Isn't that weird? I think so.

I have spent most of my life trying to live it in the middle so that I didn't have to deal with the peaks and valleys. I've discussed this with you before.

But is it enough? to live in the middle?

If you never experience something like fear, I would imagine that is a good thing. Right? but then how would you then appreciate security? and is that something that is even attainable?

No job is secure, no home is truly safe enough, no way to avoid death - we are all dying at some point, no relationship is guarnatee.

So Wouldn't it make sense to fear those things?

I had a revelation this morning. In the wee small hours.

Lately, I am actually... shh don't say it too loud..... afraid of everything. everything I just listed. I spend more time than I realized worrying about the security o f my job, the security of my home, dying - and alone at that, the health of my friends and family, my own health and well being and my relationship.

Worry is kind of Advanced fear. Its like a low level hum. It doesn't gra b you and put you into that fight or flight adrenaline rush, but it simmers just below the surface. In places that we are so accustomed to dealing with that we don't notice it's weird. Until it either dissipates or surfaces.

I find the single biggest problem for me, is not knowing what my fate is. either in the job, or my relationships with anyone. I absolutely cannot stand having someone upset or angry at me. I cannot abide by the idea that someone will not give me the opportunity to correct something if I have done it wrong.

So in thinking through ( or rather OVER thinking ) my panic attack yesterday and the lighter version of it today, I am sitting here pondering how this has boiled over the surface and is actually starting to interfere with my life. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I hate working. I exercise for the sheer reason that it gives me something to occupy my time. I teach for the same reason and can't find the pleasure in something I love that much. I have to manage a recital lfor 30 kids tonight and I honestly am petrified and stressed that it will go badly. A veritably train wreck. I have no assistance either - it's pretty much me + me running this show.

I am afraid of being hurt. Physically AND emotionally. What if I have an accident and I get hurt? Hospital???? Pain???? no, thank you.

Broken heart? what? again??? have you ever been in a relationship that hasn't broken up? For me, the answer is no. Not yet ( see what I did there - I threw the hopeful in - I am , after all, truly an optimist). I am hopeful though.

So what is it that I am worrying about? The reality is I am busy. Too busy. too busy to worry about the things that I normally worry about day to day. I should be enjoying my relationship, and I can't seem to because I need more definition. But Do I really? Or is it me just worrying that there is something unspoken that is bad? Maybe and this actually is probably true, we are just working through the beginning of something new and this is supposed to be the fun part? I do believe having access to too much information can sometimes pose issues.

Everything can't be bad. Right? I am so not this person unless I am having doubts about myself and my personal center.

Which I am. Clearly this is where the panic attacks have to be generating from. THe loss of my personal center. Or in my case - the misplacement of it.

I've talked about the information age here too. Too much information CAN be a bad thing. In this instance -between too much information at my fingertips and my brain filling in the blanks, this becomes like a really scary madlibs game. The information leads me down a path, and my brain fills in the rest. My mind is not a place to go into alone unsupervised.

I don't fear the actual things. I was in NYC during 9-11. I watched the second plane hit the WTC. I walked to midtown after re-routing data traffic from tower 2 to china for a customer. I wasn't afraid. I wasn't nervous. I treated it like an adventure - not a happy one - but one nonetheless.... I helped people who needed assistance, I stayed out of the way, I made sure that I along with others were in a safe place.

No fear.

I had a friend's blood sugar once dip into the teens while in a strange city at picnic grounds with no insulin or medication or anything to help raise it up. I got her down on the ground, had the other companion traveling with us, get some milk and call 911. She came around with the help of the EMT's and dextrose. I didn't panic, I didn't worry and I wasn't afraid.

I guess I am good in a real crisis. As long as it's not my own. Then I want to crawl into a hole and hide. The urge is getting stronger right now. And I can't understand why I am having trouble fighting it now. My usual tactics aren't really working. Which is weird for me.

The loss of my personal center has more to do with the fact that I am in some uncharted territory with work. I am in uncharted territory with my relationships, I am in uncharted territory overall.

This loss of personal center means more that I have had the earth shift under my feet and I am still walking forward, but I am unstable in my three inch marabou Mules. Because of this shift ( the old darwinian shuffle as it may be) I am not in my comfort zone and it's very hard for me navigate without a map.

Maybe it's a sign of burnout. Maybe it's a sign that I need to learn different and better methods of communicating my needs.

One thing I do know, is that I fight every single day to do my normall day to day activities without worrying. I do think that this recital is a major problem for me. I am so worried because I had no input on how it was setup. The hall isn't paid for. The participants are children. The program is long, the parents are stressed.

I need to get past this. I need to communicate with leader some of the things taht are going on, but he hasn't called back in two days. I need to spend some other time on just me. getting my actvity plan back in place. Taking care of me.

Ironically my prayer has increased. I'm not at peace but it does help. My attendance at my worship has been better. But I mentally checked out on work. I mentally checked out on my music. I underthink those things and overthink things that shouldn't be. So I need to re-balance ad re-prioritze so as not to panic so much. It's a crappy feeling. It's like I can't sit still. That ANYTHING I do will be more productive than what I was doing.

Clearly this is a sign that something isn't working. I can't quite identify it down to ONE thing, but I can narrow it down to a few. That's something right? Good start. Right?

Now I just need to get back into my life and live it with less worry ( lets not go overboard right away!).

I know it's possible - I was doing this well before now!

An oldie but goodie

And while not entirely applicable to my life today - it's got some grains of truth to it and paints a closer picture.


Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
I see the passion in your eyes
Sometimes it's all a big surprise

'Cause there was a time when all I did was wish
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped or how I planned
But somehow it's enough

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last

All of the nights you came to me
When some silly girl had set you free
You wondered how you'd make it through
I wondered what was wrong with you
'Cause how could you give your love to someone else
And share your dreams with me
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

And now we're standing face to face
Isn't this world a crazy place
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
Sometimes the very thing you're looking for
Is the one thing you can't see

Sometimes the snow comes down in June
Sometimes the sun goes 'round the moon
Just when I thought our chance had passed
You go and save the best for last
You went and saved the best for last

Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams


P.S - Who knew that a blizzard was predicted for this month?????

How a Chicken Salad sandwich changed my world

It really did too.

It's actually quite funny how Chicken Salad tends to factor into my life. I love it. more than tuna and almost as much as egg.

I had awoken this morning uneasy. Unsure as to why, but knowing that dreams of Myspace factored into it ( though what specifically remains unclear), I got to the point during the day that I was experiencing major anxiety and panic.

Not being one to be anxious without cause and I can't say I have ever experienced actual panic before, this was a bizarre feeling today.

I woke up, normal time, had my breakfast and coffee, got on mty conf call.... all the while a l ow level hum of uneasiness starting to crescendo.

By the time it got to a full blown panic - I was already figuring out things that I needed to do to combat it.

I started by checking my blood pressure. I needed to verify this wasn't an actual physical issue, though there was slight tightness in my chest. B/P was checked first thing in the AM, before lunch and again arouond 3. Each time it was sitting roughly 117/75 with heart rate of 60's.

OK that rules that part out for now.

So I decided that Working was not happening. After a couple of hours, it occured to me that I was not motivated to lift a finger. I persevered though - I ran several reports to determine if our numbers were right for the end of the month - I still can't tell so I am moving ahead as if they are not.

I was ready to start that part of the project when it occurred to me that I hadn't worked out today.

"Perfect - that might help ease off the panic attack. I can't breathe well now, so let's add physical activity that might Shorten it more! "

But I do it anyway. I notice immediately how tired I am. Since I got a full nights sleep with uneasy dreams - I am confused how I should be THIS tired.... I got through 25 minutes of the 30 I needed to do and omitted the upper body and abs portion altogether for that day.

I am now at the part of my day when I am not happy. I now have back to back lessons starting at 4PM and lasting until 6:45 when I have to pick up Voice twin for a rehearsal.

I got to the first kid, we review her competition scores and comments. She got a perfect score, and the only criticism was her projection. That kind of annoyed me. No one is so perfect that they can't improve.

I leave that kid and head for kid #2. Who didn't practice. For 3 weeks. Not happy, and not normal for this kid but she wanted to play outside instead of practicing. I can't blame her. The conversation went like this:

Kid # 2: I DID practice
Me: really??? How often in the last 3 weeks?
Kid #2: Well.... a few times
Me: A few usually means around 3 - is that accurate?
Kid #2: I had a lot of homework.
Me: that's not an answer that's an excuse
Kid #2: OK, more like 5
Me: 5 times in 1 week? Or 5 times in total.
Kid # 2: in total
Me: Why?
Kid #2: I had a lot of fhomework and a lot of end of the year stuff.
Me: more than the rest of the year?
Kid #2: No.....
Me: Why don't you just tell me that you wanted to play outside because it's nice and it stays late longer....
Kid #2: Welll - that's true....
Me: Good news is - you are perfectly normal. THe bad news is - I am not happy. <>

So we continue with the lesson that she actually attempted to mail in.

I leave her and move on to my Fire baby. I am actually playing the piano for her in tomorrow nights recital. Which I am hosting. 38 kids performing. I can't imagine how I am going to get them in and out.

She has a the best lesson of all of them. Some scooping and a couple of neat American Idol twists to the Fiddler on the Roof tune she is singing - but we'll just chalk that up to "artistry" and pray she remembers tomorrow that I will KILL her if I hear it again.

So it's 6:30.

I'm already exhausted and I have to eat, gas up the car, pick up voice twin and head out east to a rehearsal.

You know what's coming right?

The chicken salad.

I walk into 7-11 and look at the pathetic selection they have. I look and find a lone, FRESH, chicken salad sandwich on a Kaiser roll.

Oh my God. Nirvana.

I haven't had a Kaiser roll in I can't even tell you how long. And we have already covered the fact that I worship chicken salad.

A match made in heaven. Headed for my tummy.

I ate my sandwich while driving, not my favorite method of eating, but I was running out of time.

I gas up the car ( HOpy shit batman 35 dollars!!!! and this is NOT an SUV ).

I pick up Voice twin and head to rehearsal. We sing, we listen, we Talk, we head home.

As I am getting out of the car, I realize my ipod headphone is broken - one side only. I am now aggravated.

I get in the house, I change out of my clothes and step on the scale.

I broke my plateau.

and - the panic attack - gone.

Long live the Chicken Salad Sandwich!

On Trust

I love "Friends". I am devastated that the show has ended.

I love it for a lot of reasons. Primarily though, that group of friends started on that show at the same exact age that I was at that time. So I kind of feel like I grew into the adult that I am WITH them. I identify with all of them.

I am really a conglomerate of Monica and Rachel. But more to the point, my personality tends to be more Rachel than anyone else on that show.

The qualities that make up these two fictitious characters ( did I mentiont that I know they aren't real???) that apply to me are too many to name but the percentage quite clearly leans me over to the Rachel side. And It would have been nice if I could have some of her looks too..... but I digress.....

This show has a theme in it that strikes me in every sitcom that I watch it. For as long as I can remember. It was present in Wings, present in Friends, The Nanny..... Two people who are friends and are working their way toward one other as destiny plays a sick game with the two.... Joe and Helen from Wings, Fran and Mr. Sheffield from the Nanny and Ross and Rachel from Friends. There are more shows with this that I could name, but these are the first three that pop into my head.

Years ago, when I was an avid watcher of Wings..... I miss that show a lot.... I was in my 20's. I really liked him more than he liked me though. I was way too young. And he was older. But nonetheless, I identified with Crystal Bernard when she and Joe broke up for the millioneth time it seemed when he and I split up around the same time.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise that I continue to watch the syndicated re-runs of Friends as often as I do. I am living parts of Monica's life and more to the point - parts of Rachel's. And not the baby part!!!!

The recurring storyline of Rachel is perpetually annoying to me AND intriguing to me.

She is a trusting woman. She trusts that Monica will take her in and care for her when she leaves her fiance at the alter. THough she didn't even invite Monica to the wedding. She trusts Monica's friends to help her through getting a job and getting out from her family's thumb.

She trusts these people with everything.... including her life, her career, her health, her families health, her baby. She never lost the ability to trust even when Ross sleeps with the copy girl "while they were on a break".

Bringing me to the conclusion here, she trusted him through thick and through thin. Through his myriad marriages including to her. Even when she was angry with him, even when his new wife wouldn't allow him to see or speak to her - she trusted him and she did the right things by him.

Again, I realize that these are fictitious characters, but they are modeled after real people. Or several real people.

In my circle of friends, I am the Rachel.

On Keeping things light

I bought a new perfume today. Dolce and Gabanna's Light Blue. I love it - it's heavenly.

On the subject of keeping things light or lighter, I didn't weigh in at WW today as I am retaining water due to the unreasonable HEAT we are are dealing with here. I am up 2 lbs on my scale, but my clothes fit fine.

I put both air conditioning units on and did my pilates today. I took off Thursday and Friday and I can't afford more than two days off per week. Starting monday I am doing 30 mins of walking every day and pilates 3 times per week. I will do that through June. In July, I expect my weight to be down enough that I can then add 3 days a week of body sculpting. That will put me at MWF Walking 30 mins and pilates for 1 hour. TTHSAT walking 30 mins and Body sculpting. Sundays I will have the day off.

I ordered a new box of contacts as I have gone through 3 months in one but the doc says that's normal the first couple of months until you get used to them.... Gosh I hope so.... it makes me a little nuts.

I have decided officially that the extensions, ,while entirely lovely, are too long and too difficult to manage. I am going to have them removed ( what's left at any rate) and go back to tinting and curling until the fall when I have all the formals to attend. Then it makes sense.

I am prepared to be talked into a shorter lash length though... so stay tuned for that.

And my latest pet peeve - why tell me you are going to call on particular day and then NOT DO IT???? This drives me crazy. And I swear at times it is done intentionally. Either that or there is just so perspective on time. So I am sitting here patiently.... metaphorically of course. Don't imagine me pining away at the phone - that simply isn't happening. I notice usually around now, that the call I was expecting on that day, hasn't come in. Then I get a little bit nervous in case something happened and then peevish that I wasn't a priority. This is slowly getting better, but not quick enough for me.... :-)

I am an impatient pain in the ass to be honest. I know it.

But given the circumstances I am keeping things somewhat light. Light and easy is the key for the time being. In all areas of my life.

Jealousy

I am not a jealous person.

Not unless I am given a reason to be. I am, however, suspicious when things don't add up and will investigate until get to the bottom of it.

So what looks like jealousy on me, is in fact, really just my investigating a situation that doesn't ring true.

Now. Having said that.

There is an old line that has many variations but goes something like this "Reformed Playboys make the best husbands". I have seen first hand that when a man who is a dawg in a previous life or a playboy and he meets the woman he falls in love with, he reforms and shapes up. They never really lose the dawg mentality but that's OK because it makes them charming and funny. And insiteful to single girls and guys who are navigating the dating life,

I once worked with a woman whose husband asked her out for years. she refused to date him because he dated the "wrong" kind of girl. She finally got worn out from saying no and ended up marrying the guy and had 6 kids. They are still married and happier than ever. I have another woman in my church who is like a grandmother to me. She got married at 18. Her husband started asking her out when she was 11 years old. she gave him a new excuse every single week, and every week he came back and asked again. Finally she said yes, but she needed to bring her brothers with her as she was responsible for them. He said that was fine. So they started dating and are in their late 70's.

Now, please couple this with my "2+2 does not equal 5" mentality. This problem with me lies in every aspect of my life, health, work, diet, romance, friendship, family - everything. So lying clearly doesn't fly - I always figure it out. remember 2+2 <> 5.

So. I take a call from a friend on Friday. He mentions that he wants to get together this week. I suggested that night after work for him. He says he has "plans". My brain immediately perks up. We are now at phase one : 2+2.

Being direct I asked

"Oh?" and the response I recieved was
"Yes" So I said
"Your sure you wouldn't rather come here?" and the response to that was
"No I made a promise to someone"

Huh.

I should have known. I know this schedule better than most,

Mental headslap.

"Where are you going" I finally ask

All this got me was laughter.

"Going to Hewlette to see Kat, she needs support in her new job." He said

2+2

"Our Kat?" I ask
"yup"

huh.

"Well have fun and lay down an extra big tip from me - I"ll reimburse you later" I said
"Do you want to come with?" I am asked
"I have to sing a funeral in the morning, so no, but thanks for asking" I say.

=4.

2+2=4.

somtimes I am my own worst enemy. Instead of waiting for the problem to arise, then finding a solution.... I expect the problem to be there up front and THEN try and solve it - before there is one!

I wasn't jealous, and I couldn't really care less what the plans were. I objected to being played with at that moment. Especially when this tendancy in me is well known.

the parting commentary.....

"the Jealousy was cute by the way"



This equation never works in my favor!

Good things come to those who wait Part 2

They really do. Really and truly.

By popular demand.....

The eyelash pics......

My life is a movie Soundtrack

I have been wanting to do this for some time.... Maple Mama inspired me months ago, but alas my IPOD was not really up to the task till now:

How to Play:
1. Open your library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question below, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don't lie and try to pretend you're cool …

Here are mine.

Opening Credits: Don't Let him steal your heart away Phil Collins

First Day at School: Summer Wind Performed by Michael Buble

Falling In Love: Dream a Little Dream by Beautiful South

Breaking Up: Don't Go Breaking my Heart by Elton John and Kiki Dee

Prom: Sunday Morning performed by Maroon 5

Mental Breakdown: Hard to Say I'm Sorry by Chicago

Flashbacks: Faure Requiem Pie Jesu performed by Renee Fleming

Getting Back Together: Hard Habit to Break performed by Chicago

Wedding Scene: Just you n Me performed by Chicago

Final Battle:Lift Me Up performed by Yes

Death Scene: Rejoice Greatly O Daughter Of Zion from Messiah by Handel performed by Me ( The contessa)
Funeral Song: The Touch performed byRicky Martin

Finale: Mi Chiamano Mimi by Puccini performed by me ( the contessa)

End Credits: Adele's Laughing Song from Die Fledermaus performed by Me the Contessa


I got a personal chuckle from some of these.....

On being a dating moron

You know, at my age, I should be good at dating.

Hell I've been dating for well over 20 years.

And sadly, I'm not.

Good at it, that is.

And do you know why? I tend to make the process all about me.

Now, that's not the real true crime here, just making it obvious is.

So after some extensive thought and discussion with a real pro ( married 12 years to prove it), I discovered what I was doing wrong.

I wasn't actually doing the wrong things in theory, but in practice it wasn't being delivered properly.

For example, and this is ONLY an example, mind you.

Say you want a man to call you more often. Calling and leaving a message that he needs to call you more often, while direct and leaves no room for misinterpretation, is the wrong approach in the early part of a dating relationship.

If you want a man to call you more frequently you have to make it worth his while to call. You need him to WANT and NEED to speak to you more often.

If you are person, such as I am, who is not good at games, and was raised to be honest and direct, well this kind of approach is a difficult one to learn.

This is not flirting necessarily. It is a kind of cross between playing hard to get ( another game I suck at) and flirting. Mixed properly, this approach can net you your next date.

Now in my current situation, I have a built in safety net. But it's not fool proof. I found that out the hard way.

One things for sure. I have the best team of advisors to get me through this and stil have fun.

Oh crap - I have nothing to wear... stay tuned.

On the price of beauty is....

$211. Exactly. Minus tip for three people: stylist, shampoo and aesthetician.

I walked into the salon this afternoon at 1 sharp. I sat in my stylists chair and realized after the week that I had and the funeral I did that morning, I had no fight left in me.

So in that mode, my stylist said "How much am I allowed to take off now? It really needs a good shaping..."

"What does "a good shaping" entail" I ask

"3-4 inches."

sigh. "OK"

she starts the color process. This requires me to work too by the way. I do still believe that if I have to actively participate in the coloring process I should either get a break in the price or share in the proceeds.... but whatever.

30 minutes later she sets me up to let the color set. My Aesthetician came over and looked at my eyes and declared them fit for lash extensions.

Fifteen minutes later and NO weirdness at all, no pain, nothing. I had long lashes. They look AMAZING. I never need mascara again. ever. All I had to do was close my eyes. That was it. Fifteen minutes. Amazing.

Then my stylist took me back and started cutting. when I was done I had 3 inches and change off the back but it looks like 5 because of the natural curl in my hair. She cut on piece a little bit shorter in the front than in previous visits and when I commented she saarcasticallly told me to shut up. This caused me to crack up. she's been cutting my hair for 26 years. So this is allowed.

I then get my nails done.... nothing unusual there except half way through filing, she smacks my arm and says "YOUR EYES!!!!! THEY ARE GREEN!!!!!!!!!!!!".

I almost died laughing....

"Joy, you are working on them with the lashes for 15 minutes. you looked right at them and I even mentioned the color. You put eyeliner on me to prove how they pop and now you notice the color????? sheesh!"

We both started laughing.

Finished my nails and walked back to the wax room. I don't even remember the waxing, butI know it happened because the miscellaneous hair on my brows are now gone.

The care and upkeep of the lashes was discussed. It does take a couple of lifestyle changes for me, but that's Ok. I have to see how I like them day to day. I feel nervous about them now. One girl that works there told me she dries them with her hair dryer after she gets out of the shower to re-fluff them... I think that just might be going a bit far.

I was the last client left at the end. It was after 4 when I left. My hair color was touched up so that any silver that was trying to peek through is no more. its shorter and curlier and healthier looking, and I have gorgeous nails and long fluttery lashes.

All for $211.00.

And I Am happy. Really happy. I look fantastic.

If I do say so myself.

on Intimacy

I read this meditation yesterday. Again, as with previous "Meditations from Meditations For People who Worry Too Much" written By Anne Wilson Scharf, I really don't follow every day. If I am having a stressful day, I may pick it up and look at that days reflections and read a couple from previous days.

Intimacy

I worry most when I allow myself to love a person. Sometimes I prefer not to feel love because then I worry less. I switch between feelings of distance and feelings of love. Of course I liked the Janis Joplin song: "Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose."

Ursula

Love has become so difficult and so complex for us humans that we sometimes have come to believe that only solution is not taking the risk. How sad it is that loving seems like a risk!

We are all so afraid of intimacy that we have indeed, become a people who actively escape from intimacy. Ironically, it is often those of us who profess the most about wanting to be intimate who are most afraid of it.

Some of us have bought ht advertising that sex is the avenue of to intimacy, and it just doesn't work. Or we believe that we can become intimate by getting the relationship clearly nailed down. Often this results in being nailed down. Or we believe that the way to become intimate is to analyze each other so we know "the truth". Often this only results in judgement and frustration.

We forget that intimacy grows and requires time and participation.

This one was ironic. It so sadly describes me to a tee. I mean - it's scary.

I had just come to decision on Wednesday night that was premature. Mercifully, though I wrote out the note, I didn't send it to the intended recipient. Instead I sent it to my best friend or BFF as the kids call it now on text...

Timing is always everything though. It turned out that I spent a good couple of hours with her in which she hadn't read it yet. So she was advising without knowing where my head was truly at, even though we were talking. So before I left -right before - she read the email. It was a very personal and intimate note. Not one I would blithely share with anyone really other than the intended recipient. But such is the nature of my friendship with her, I was able to feel confident and comfortable with her reading it.

How glad I am that I did. She looked me right in the eye over lunch and told me that I needed to be more patient. I have been harping on my patience, or lack of, quite a bit of late and she was right. She said, in short, that I was not ready to toss EVERYTHING away, was I? Didn't I think that if I was afraid that "a talk" was going to happen and I wasn't prepared to have it, that I too would be avoiding it? She said that I had to treat this as brand new. No history. Don't ditch the note, but file it. It's a safety net.

It is a safety net. I didn't cry or anything when I wrote it. She was surprised and then not. She said " You didn't get emotional when writing it because you aren't ready to send it. "

She's right - I'm not.

But I did follow her advice. And it worked. Like a charm - I WAS SHOCKED.

I am still, at my age, so naive about the opposite sex. It's embarrassing really.

What I did notice also, was that, I don't like that my moods are dependent on communication and trust. When I get a call or an email, I am smiley, happy and easy to get along with. That call doesn't come and the longer it's delayed, I am cranky, weepy, angry, and loony. I'm super glad I noticed that so I can address it in the future for myself.

How did I notice it? I was teaching a piano lesson when the call came in tonight in response to my email. I looked at the phone in disbelief. Are you kidding me? NOW ?? OK better now than not at all. I took the call. We talked as if two weeks of no communication ever happened. Not the time ( I could hear my BFF ( that term KILLS ME ) saying it in my head). We made our arrangements and hung up the call. The next lesson with these kids went so much better - I had more patience more laughing less yelling. What the hell is that about?

It's lack of knowledge really. When you don't know where you stand or you don't have the confidence in the position you are in, it can take tolls on the moods.

I am always discovering new things about myself and this journey can be a good one if I relax and have patience and enjoy the moments.


"Si le divin est dans nos ames, nous le reconnaitrons dans moments comme celui-ci."

Translation - "If God Lives at all, God lives in moments like these"

Good things come to those who wait

This is a proverb that I have strived to live. Not wiht the greatest amount of successfully of course, but I really work hard at it.

I have a personal interpretation of this proverb that has evolved over all the years since I was a sophomore in college.

My personal flavor of this proverb is Good things come to those who wait and are willing to work for them.

In short, if you want something and you sit on your duff and do nothing to earn that thing, chances are good you won't get it. And if you do get it, by some strange stroke of luck, you may not really appreciate it.

As you may have realized by now, my personal nemesis is patience. Since I was a child, hearing the words "wait until...." drove me mad. Telling me anything with forewarning is like a death sentence to me. I would recieve a call with the message on the machine "I need to talk to you" and I would immediately start returning the call.

Mostly the reason was self doubt. I was always afraid that what I didn't know WOULD hurt me. Or someone would be mad at me, or that I did something incorrectly or something like that.

I'm doing marginally better in the patience department. I was reminded twice today that in a specific area in my life, the patience card needs to be played longer. I can't bail at the first sign of trouble or when my patience suddenly craps out.

I never really thought about it. But I think that I am better about patience in this area than I have been in my past. But It's stil not enough. I am going to drive myself insane if I keep worrying about things that I can't change on my own.

But I am willing to do the work. I am filling my time fairly well, though the reason I am having trouble this week is the that I had a couple of days with more time on my hands than I should. I need to take steps to fill those voids too.

My patience is going to be better. And I am praying that with that patience comes the one thing I really want.

I am willing to put the work in on this. If that means occupying my time better, than that's what I need to do. If it means improving myself in the process - that's OK too.

so long as in the end the good thing comes to me because I am waiting AND working at it.

Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have."

I hear this one quite often.

Here's my only problem with it. It's a pretty simple one actually.

If you are comfortable wanting what you have, how would you know what other possibilities are out there that you might want to try?

A little philisophical perhaps.

The way I see it, if you want what you have, that's great. If you want something you don't have, you can sometimes work hard and get it. And then there are the things you work towards that may be you get and maybe you don't but you are always striving for.

Those are called Dreams.

So if you are striving for your dreams and don't yet have them, but are working hard, does the quote in my title still hold true?

I don't know.

I simply don't.

I know what I want. I have about 75% of the things that I want in life. I am very comfortable with these odds. The 25% that I don't have feels like 200% though.

The same person who commented that I don't take enough care of myself has also commented that with hard work a person can achieve exactly what they want.

I find that easy to believe on some levels and hard to believe on others.

I suppose like anything else in life, "Happiness is not having what you want. It is wanting what you have.", is probably full of exceptions.

I think I am one of them.

Why ???? Well it's simple. I was happy and content and wanted exactly what I had. Was perfectly happy. Didn't need anything else. Then that changed and I was put into a state of confusion and now I want things that I didn't even really care about before. And yes, they will make me terrbily, delioursly happy.

There was a thaw on my heart.

And now I have to figure out how to live like this.

Things I am learning about myself, about love and about life

The last few months have been enlightening to me.

I was accused of not taking care of myself. On more than one occasion by one person. I disagree on some points and I agree on others.

What I did say and maintain is "Hello kettle you ARE black". This person takes less care of themselves than I do.

You see, the term "taking care of myself" is a hard one. I care very much about myself. I am spending a lot of time taking care of my body and self image as that has taken a big hit in the past couple of years. I know why it did and while it's a valid reason, however it has a tendancy to take over, so I needed to let it go and move on. I gained all weight back that I had worked so hard to lose in the years before my dad passed and it's coming up on four years since he died and that also make me four years closer to a landmark birthday. So I bit the bullet when this person said to me, " you don't take care of yourself" and bumped up the good things I was ALREADY doing to get the weight off. I added the activity that I loathe so much. I actually like it now.

Then I started noticing that "care" had a different definition to me too. I care enough about myself to not get involved in situations that don't actively involve me. I also don't allow situations to happen that include me, without my permission. I don't mean to say that people ask my permission to involve me. I mean that I either allow the situation to happen to me or I decline and walk away and disassociate myself for some period of time.

Once I started doing this pretty frequently, I noticed it wasn't that hard.

For example. The Choral group I discussed yesterday. I am in the process of deciding to leave. I have three months to make that decision. Please DO NOT think that I am doing this in support for the director. I am not. I am doing this in support of ALL the past, present and future directors of this group. I am also doing it so that I do not have to watch the foundation crumble on my family legacy. Sad, but better if it folds up when I am not there, Less painful.

I am learning about love the hard way. I am in the middle of a life lesson that I am not entirely sure how it's supposed to go. Either I am supposed to acknowledge the feelings that I have had for 8-10 years and finally get over them OR I am supposed to learn the art of patience because the only person I have ever truly loved has walked back into my life in the right capactiy. Maybe this is our time FINALLY. Maybe it's not. Maybe its the lesson that teaches me how to stand up for myself and what I believe in for myself ? Or some combination of the above. What I want and what I am supposed to learn may end up being the same and they may end up being different. I am having a hard time believing that a loving and caring God would bring this situation back to me in this fashion without a plan for us to be together in the long run.

I pray for guidance on these items and I also pray for the outcome that I want with them as well.

I have discovered that life is funny, life is messy and dramatic. I hate the drama, I hate the gossip, but honestly, without it, I am living a half life. I am not fully living becuase I am not fully feeling. I realized that after Easter this year. I was not taking care of myself because I was living in the middle of the emotional spectrum rather than experiencing the Highs and Lows. Understand this. The middle is a nice resting place to hang out in when you are trying to recover your strength ( physical or emotonal) after something traumatic happens. It also takes a lot of additional work to not want the drama in your life. It sometimes takes an act of congress to put up the barrier that says "drama stay the hell out!".

But in the end, reality has a way of creeping up on you. Life is messy. YOu can't live fully without experiencing the high's and lows that come with it. So while the middle is a good resting place, it should only be used as that - A resting place. You can't love fully there.

I didn't think that was true. I didn't believe that I could be happy with the highs and the lows. Well, the lows. But the resting place gave me the strength to experience the highs and lows and handle the highs wonderfully with some AMAZING memories and handle the lows in a way that doesn't enable a full blown depression that would normally send me far away to hibernate.

I handle a lot of things better. I am better able to say "no" to situations that are not acceptable to me or good for me. And withstand the pressure when people try to change my mind.

I am better equipped to deal with my challenges of health and work.

A brilliant mind recently told me that they were envious of my situation. I have never had anyone be envious of me for any reason ever. It was a strange sensation. But not a bad one. I cannot imagine anyone choosing the path my life is on right now. And then I realize that I did choose. I could have said "No, I refuse to put myself in that position again". The risk of saying NO to the possibility was greater than the risk of having my heart broken. So I chose the path that I am on and will see it through to some point. The difference now, for me, is that I am 8-10 years older and I know more about myself and about the situation. I can mae some better educated decisions about what I will and won't tolerate.

And for all of you who know the story - did you know that throwing a drink at someone actually qualifies as "battery" ??? I just found that out in conversation and found that terribly funny. I guess I am lucky I didn't throw the waterford glass too! And that the person doesn't remember the drink got thrown!

On resignation

Resignation comes in so many forms.

The two I had to deal with tonight were of the paper kind.

My director/Vocal Coach turned in his resignation to the group that I sing with. He just completed out his Third year with a performance of the Faure Requiem and Stravinsky Symphony of Psalms.

I will tell you that it's a bad thing as far as I am concerned. Not because he's my vocal coach, he is. Not because he's a fantastic director - he is that too.

But this group has a reputation now. We chew through directors. All the people worth anything are leaving. And we can't pay the money that is needed to attract seasoned, talented music directors willing and wishing to perform Master Works.

It hurts me because my uncle and my dad founded this group. It was their baby. They nurtured it and help it grow until my Uncle retired and turned the baton over to my dad. My dad continued on until his health had declined to a point where he turned the baton over to the woman he had both hired at the school where they taught and mentored her as well. He continued to sing with us until he passed away. Shortly before he died, we were interviewing new directors as the woman declined to continue.

We came across a young man who was a dynamic conductor, he was young, fresh, excited to be a part of the group, wanted to do master works.

We opted out of his contract renewal 1 year later. He was wanting to make is into an A Cappela group and we weren't having that. Not exclusively. Occasionally it's fun - but not an entire program. He was very talented and there is little doubt in my mind that he would have left us to pursue bigger things eventually. Our board just got there first.

So we hire my vocal coach. He is a musical genious and extremely talented director. Why did our board stsart forcing him out? Seriously.... it's an embarassment to me that I belong to such an immature group of adults. They started talking behind his back, polling hte membership, all those childish things that I detest. The bottom line, they didn't like that he wasn't a good administrator.

Now I ask you. If you have a full compliment on the board of directors ( President, Past Pres, VP, treasurer, Secretary, Pormotions, financial committee, Music Library) Why on EARTH should the Music Director need to administer ANYTHING???? He has a board to that crap for him!!!!

Except wiht this board - only 2-3 positions ACTUALLY do any work. our Pres - excellent, even signed on to do another year ar his peril as it turns out. And the poor guy doesn't even know about the resignation yet. Secretary - wondeerful, lovely person, works like a dog gets very little thanks and had to be the sad recipient of the letter. And dlastly, our treasurer. She a different one. She works hard and is very effective, but she is one of the yipey yentas of our group.

So our half functioning board of directors is comprised of the people most willing to do work in a group fo 45 people who do nothing. The people that got voted in still wish to do nothing and find ways to do it.

Our accompanist said it succinctly today. This is like a little club. everyone wants the club to run according to their individual needs and when that fails - they modify and adapt the rules so they can the director out the door.

I'm angry but in a strange position. A friend of mine may apply and I will have to support her if she decides to go for it and of course if she gets it. But as I may have mentioned, she will be fully and duly warned. I will make sure of it.

I'm angry and sad. This group has been around for most of my life. If this board keeps doing this, we will end up with no group. The motivations are that they want to have the original director back and force each subsequent one to succumb to it or have the job threatened. The VP wants full musical control so she can pick the rep and makes sure there are solos for her in there. I really think that if my friend doesn't get the job, I may just be done with this group. My dad would absolutely defend my decisions on this.

So knowing that the resignation was turned in was tough.

Then I turned in mine. It's not as much a resignation so much as decline of offered position. I sent out the decline for the presidency today. I included no reasons or details. I just thanked the committee for considering me a worthwhile choice but I would have to decline. I am not going to cite my step mom as a reason, or my insanely crazy life that I can't manage right now at all or anything like that. I have no intentions on elaborating and I am officially not taking the calls from this committee for a few days and I am certainly not going to my meeting this week.

Someday I may want to be president of some group - but Kiwanis? No. THe choral group? Never.

My poor dad. I'm glad he's gone so as not to put him through this. My uncle is alive though and I pray that he doesn't get wind of this.

I do not know how the whole thing will shape up to be honest. Our secretary is has the resignation letter. I advised her not to announce it at the diner after the performance. I advised and suggested to her that she might be better off waiting for the president to return from his trip on Monday and speak to him first and let him handle it. The president and the director are 20_+ year friends. Perhaps something can be corrected or adjusted. I don't know.

I just don't know.

In the grand scheme of what is happening in my world, I am disgusted by the childish behaviour of a group whose average age is 67 years old. Having not been elected the board a second year in a row ( mercifully I was smart enough not to run again) at my own decision, I don't have to deal with the inner workings. I thank GOD for that. I will demand that I be on the search committee for a new director. that's a sub committee that the director gets to create.

If I remain.

Time will tell.

At the risk of sounding like a broken record

Dear Friends and Bloggers,

I realize to most of you who regularly read, I must sound like a broken record. I must sound like a whiny woman who is crying for the moon.

I have to tell you that this Blog is so important to me because this is the one place that I use to sound out my feelings, blow off steam without saying harmful things to people and to get som of my ideas andn opinions out there.

So therefore, if I seem repetitive, you need to chalk it up to the blow off steam and sound out my feelings portion of "why I blog". And while it is important to me that my readers, um, read, it is actualy more important that I get what I have to say off my chest.

I think the reason that I am overall handling these massive challenges that are coming at me all at once, better than I normally do, is because I blog. I put my feelings and opinions down and when I am done, I can walk away feeling better. I think more clearly and see the situation that may be bothering me slightly more objectively.

So I will start today by thanking you all for you patience, love and support.

****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ****** ******
Situations demanding my attention that cause me stress:

On Being President:

I have decided officially that I am not going to be president. I have no guilt feelings over this decision. It is the right one for me and I will stand by it. I am not afraid to tell my friends AND family that I just don't wish to hold that position. I have never wanted it and taking it on with out the desire, is just foolish. An not fair to the group.

On Feeling Foolish and Getting and Giving Help:

I am not embarassed or ashamed that I went to my priest for help and support. He asked me some questions that I knew were coming... I don't think I would have phrased them the same way, but thats neither here nor there. He acknowledged what he saw ( which is what everyone who has been in contact has seen) and understood why I remain involved in the situation at all. He also understands that what happened 10 years ago really plays a major part in what is happening today. Based on all the history and the current triangle / pay it forward / family illnesses situation, I have temporarily decided to wait and see. I can't and will not do this forever as my sanity cannot tolerate that. If I must, I will issue my ultimatum and fade silently away for awhile. I don't wish to do that. By doing that, I will inflict more pain on someone who is already tortured. I can't live with that even if it is the right thing to do for myself. I can't sacrifice someone else for my happiness. and Certainly not someone that I love. This topic is going to crop up now and again and I beg your indulgence on it as I am really not as good at this as I wish I were. I have wonderful friends, but I fear they are tired of listening to me.

Health:

I am continuing to exercize and eat right. I owe that to myself. I am looking better, my eyes are now adjusted to the contacts and I really like them. I tore one in half during my dress reahearsal and didn't even notice that half was stuffed in the corner of my eye! That was too funny.... My B/P continues to average right in the normal area.

Music:

My director is resigning tonight after our performance. He is sick of hte politics and the crap that is going on and I do not blame him. This is Romper Room for adults with some Choral MAsterworks thrown in. Depending on what happens with a new director ( A friend of mine was put up for the job already) I will completely support her but I am going to warn her, once she decides, what she is dealing with. This crew has never done that and I don't think it's fair. So I will do it myself and arm her with the information up front.

Family:

My stepmom is going to be very agnry and upset with me after this weekend. I really feel badly that I don't care that much. It's not that I don't care about her, but her reasons will be superficial and she will handle it by badmouthing me behind my back. I wish I could care abouot that, but I really can't. She will get one warning if I hear it, and then after that, she is on her own. I don't have that much tolerance these days.

Please do not mistake this for "A plan checkpoint". It's not. It's just me outlining the area's in my life that are causing me stress and where I am at.

If I take everything else away - the reason I went to see my priest is the biggest one weighing on my mind.

I hope everyone enjoys a Happy Mothers Day!

On Being President

I recieved a call today. One I wasn't happy to get.

My local Kiwanis chapter wants me to be president.

Now I should tell you that they want me to be president so that my step mom WON'T be.

I have made this statement loud and clear from every mountaintop available. I WILL NEVER BE PRESIDENT WHILE SHE IS ALIVE AND ACTIVE IN THE CLUB.

Because she was a successful president 3x. And a Lt. Gov for the District. And now PR and training for the state.

Being President requires an immense amount of work, time, effort and money. I have effort. I can't afford the time. I can't afford the finance. I would love the publicity. But I don't want it if I don't earn it.

So here are my list of pro's and con's:

Pros:

• I am good at leadership
• I can hand pick my secretary
• I get a big party in my honor
• Twice
• Lots of good photo ops
• Lots of good ops to do community service
• I get a slush fund of some reasonable amount to use as I see fit
• I have "supposedly" a wonderful support system and can request my board.

Cons:

• I nevver wanted to be president
• If I don't do everything the way step mom did, I am guaranteed to be subject to criticsm by her for the rest of my natural life
• I can't be the president that does everything - and she was
• I don't have the financial means to do the job the right way
• While yes, I have the support system, this group of 75 members only has about 10 that do the work
• That ten can't compensate for a president that can't be there for everything
• It's an enormous time commitment and I work two jobs.
• I have so many stress elements right now that adding to it with this is causing me great anxiety and
• Having guilt tossed at me that the club will fold if I don't step to plate is cruel.
• I don't like the "it's you or HER" attitude either
• If one MORE person calls me to convince me I will shoot them personally.
• I can't eat out that much. It's not good or healthy for me. Seriously I know this is stupid one....lol

As you can see, I have more cons than pros. My gutt says DO NOT DO THIS. Having people rely on me to do it is very hard to deal with.

I am all twisted and tangled here. I am now shelving the topic until Sunday. NO more thinking or discussing it. The answer will show itself on Sunday.

On trying to get my emotional act together

I need to start out by saying that I feel physically good.

I am losing weight pretty nicely at this point - almost 10LBs down.

The activity is ramped up nicely.... I have added upper body weights to the mix 3 times a week.

I put in my green contacts and the most popular compliment that I am getting is that they look natural on me. It really shouldn't be a stretch given that my eyes are hazel and the green that I chose is the same green as the flecks in my real eyes.

I am dressing more figure appropriate. I used to try and hide my figure because I idn't like it, but not anymore....

I had my counseling session. I am grateful that I had it. It didn't tell me anything new, I didn't gain any major insites. All that happened was he forced me to say out loud to another human being what I had already mentally come around to. I didn't and still don't like it. I am not comfortable with it. Not yet and maybe not ever. We'll see how this goes.

I reallly don't want to divulge too muchc more of my counseling session. It's more personal than I am prepared to go. But he is praying for me and my situation and for me that's truly an important thing. I need all the help I can get right now.

The truth is, I am doing OK on the day to day. I am still watching what I eat, working out when my emotional heart is tired and hurting, in fact, I work my poor body to the point where I can't remember what was bothering me without a struggle. It certainly enables me to sleep well at night. I guess that's endorphins though I have never actually experienced that high. I am checking my b/p 2 times a day. all within normal limits by the way. I am teaching my kids and taking care of my skin and doing my hair and makeup. I am managing my allergies.

And what is this going to net me in the end?

If I am honest with myself, I am not motivated by internal fire. Not by a stretch. Well it is an actual internal fire, but not the self improvement kind. I am using it to that end to occupy my time so I don't retreat and crawl into my shell.

I am kind of touchy right now too. I am injured by the slightest thing - both real and imagined. My emotions are sadly that close to the surface. If I call or email someone and they don't return the email/call, I may think that they are busy but I may just as easily think they are upset and angry with me. I know it's irrational and a little bit cuckoo - but this how I go.

The difference between this happening to me in my 20's and this happening to me slightly older, is I am using more logic and less emotion. Not NONE - please note. Just less.

I didn't cry today. I think that's a big improvement.

Oh and it hasn't escaped my notice that I have been on a whining spree lately.

Deal with it - it's my blog.

I KNEW I wasn't dead yet

I received my blood pressure monitor two days ago.

Now, I don't know WHAT I was thinking about when I bought it. The doctors who take my blood pressure can't even get a reading most of the time till they do it two or three times.

So why did I think I could get a reading in my own house???? Duh.

Well I re-read the directions 3 more times today after reading them over and over and following the diagrams.

It turns out I was using it incorrectly. I got my first reading this evening after an extraordinarily stressful day.

I was anticipating the worst. But the worst was the 160/110 that I had the day of the positive pap.

Tonight, after emotional stress, a hideous day, decisions that need to be made but don't know how, a counseling session that I am unprepared to discuss right now....

131/79.

For a stressful day - that's not too damn bad.

So I will take it again tomorrow morning after I wake up which is recommended. I will monitor it for another 7 days and then fill my prescription that I needed to hold off on.

I always joke with the doctors that I was dead.

Clearly I am not.

On Feeling foolish

I have to tell you, I have been really looking forward to meeting with Father Christopher tomorrow. All week... well, all month really.

And now here I am, the night before the appointment, feeling foolish and stupid that I am going to him for help on dealing with these life situations.

I realize that there is no reason to feel stupid and foolish. Really I know. I get it.

And yet, here I am, anxious and feeling really stupid and pitiful.

Oh - I should add - this isn't my first time talking to him. It's not. Not by a long stretch.

So why now?

I think the main problem is that in this area I should be able to handle myself. At my age, I should be able to handle this situation myself.

But I can't.

I want to. I really do. But hell, I know when to call it. It's a month in and I Can't manage it. I have too many conflicting ideas, too many conflicting emotions, too many ulitimatums ( none of which are mine or meant for me) and way too much history to navigate this without help.

So why do I feel idiotic? Seriously? And I feel stupid talking to someone I care about and trust? Someone who cares about me ?

I think it's the expectation of being strong and independent. I am both of those. But I think that being strong and independent also includes knowing when you need help and having the strength to ask for it.

I was strong enough to ask for it but I find myself waffling and wanting to cancel. I won't, because if I do I know I will regret it. And I really do want to talk to him.

I will keep the appointment. But I really feel foolish.

On Communication and Honesty

It is no secret to most of you why I am in the field that I am in . Both of them in fact,

My primary career is in Communications. Telecommunications in fact. I hold a position that interface directly with Fortune 100 companies. No easy task. But one that I am good with.

When we first graduated college, Bernie's wife gave me a set of stationary ( which I still have some of left) because I was the one who kept in touch with everyone.

I will tell you that, while that is true to a degree, I have a tendancy to cut people out who don't return my communications. THey don't have to be in the same format.... If I make a call, and the return is via email.... that's OK - not forever but that's OK. I like email for little things, but I hate to type, so if I have a lot that needs to be discussed, I make the calls.

I was raised on speaking your mind and saying how you feel. To be truthful even as a child, I was never comfortable with the level of it that went on in my mom's home. But I do not regret the exposure. Because of it, when push really came to shove, I was able to voice the feelings that were buried deep in my heart. The good ones AND the bad ones.

I was able to say out loud to my brother, that I KNOW that my dad and I didn't rebuild our relationship after the divorce until was in my early 20's. And if we didn't have the music, who knows how long that would have taken.

Wiht my dad, it was not so much what he did say, but what was left unsaid. He never failed to tell me that he loved me. I believed him then as I do now. Without a doubt. But when I dated someone, he would never offer me an opinion. He would just say nothing.

I had fallen in love with someone many years ago. It was a person that my dad knew from another place and time. A person that my dad liked very much. But he didn't like his daughter dating him. Or so I found out AFTER my dad died. I had no idea. He never said anyhting, implied anything, not a hint, not a breath, not a look.

That, to me, is both good and bad. I would have thought that when we broke up, my dad would have said something. But it was left up to my step mom to tell me after he died. And then it was collaborated by another friend of the family ( Diva).

That bothered me a lot. Because my dad was a very smart man. But the omission felt like a stab to hear it after he was gone. I couldn't challenge him in any way.

I am an honest person for the most part. I can't claim complete honesty. I will omit so as not to hurt when I have no other way to "say something nice or not at all". I won't lie directly about it. I just won't answer the questions. But when it comes down to speaking my mind and speaking my feelings, I am much better at it now than I ever was. There's a lot at stake in my personal life right now which may have contributed to it.

But I don't think I can claim my current situation as the reason I am better able to communicate my feelings. I think it's my friends who have helped teach me about this. recently, as we get older and are losing parents, grandparents, sblings etc.... we have started telling one another how we feel more frequently.

I notice it a lot of my college buds - not a week goes by without us writing, Im'ing or saying it to each other or to VM that we loev ( or love if any of us could type) one another. I notice it more now than before.

With my crew here locally, we do the same things. Only they can type ( I can't.) :-)

I am more demonstrative than I was before too. I was never the huggy kissy type - I notice that I am now.

What I noticed about ME is that my communication and honesty really started after 9-11. Not knowing what was going to happen to me that day, being in NYC not far from the blast. Getting home and thanking God that everyone I knew was safe. Almost.

I believe in communication and more so now than ever before. I never fail to tell my family and friends that I love them. I never fail to tell the person most important to me that I love them too. I say it to my pets.

If you feel it, you should say it. If it's in your heart, put it on your lips.

You may not have the chance again.

On Piano emergencies

Today was a much better day than yesterday. Work was work... nothing out of line there. Project is not going the way that I want it to, but my customer can't get out of his own way so there is really very little I can about it, other than document the inconsistencies and lack of response.

I had a board meeting for community service group that I belong to. It was a good meeting, really short in the grand scheme of these meetings. I'm feeling OK about everything that's going on at this time with this crew. We even had a little bit of fun!

ON my way home, I noticed that my phone was vibrating. My identical voice twin had called... and she was in a restaurant that I was just driving past and she was having herself a good drink and fried food. HAving recently been in that position and knowing the day she's had, I really couldn't blame her. She asked me to come keep her company.

So I pulled in, found her and started leafing through her music. You see, she had to find an emergency replacement for her accompanist. She called every one she could think of, in fact she made 21 calls in an hour! One her friends came through for her in the end which was wonderful.

Hence the mudslide.

and the Mozzerella sticks.

So we talk about the music for her chorus - all awesome tunes! She is really fortunate to have the talent in her school to be able to pull these off so wonderfully. They are tough tunes some of them, but I trust her judgement. If they can do it, I think it's amazing and wonderful. It proves my gutt feeling in the kind of teacher she is. She inately knows the overall talent of the group and chooses music that is challenging - very in some cases - and then teaches them the tools to learn the music. While using the music itself as a tool. Very progressive for a young teacher. Very impressive if her adminstration is paying attention at all.

But she had a panic ridden stressy day. We've all been there. So I stayed and talked with her about all kinds of things - some things about me, some about another friend of mine in the same business, our teacher, her kids, her accompanist, the waitress, her birthday gift ( Nice job !).

We left about an hour later with her still wanting to hit something - I promptly danced away! She meant the batting cages but that's ok. I understand the frustration. I work out and do horrible exercizes to my body till I can't walk now in order to relieve stress. It does pay off in the end as my weight is coming down and I look and feel better.

I drove home and was thinking about how I used to be the "baby". All my older friends you used to sit there and counsel me and make me feel better. And Now I am doing that for someone younger. Someone who is a lot like me. Braver perhaps.... certainly has some additional courage that I never had at that age.

I kind of like it.

On getting help and giving help

"OK, lady, tell me what's going on. I saw tears from the choir loft." Father Christopher said.

"I didn't think anyone noticed. Rather - I hoped that no one would have noticed. My emotions are really close to the surface right now." I said.

"Does this have to do with anyone with the initial "S'? " He asked

" NO - she and I are fine. nothing amiss between stepmom and I" I countered

"OK, lets make an appointment and talk. This isn't like you. " He pulls out his palm pilot.

I love that priest has a palm pilot. I think that's a hoot - we did discuss the pro's and cons of a blackberry also.


"What's good for you? " He asks

"Anytime, I'm flexible" from me

He looks me up and down and winks.

"I do pilates now" I said Laughing

"really.... you look good. How's Wednesday? Morning? He asks. He puts a hand on my shoulder

I start to cry again. I put my sunglasses on.

"Wednesday is good, I can make that. I'm sorry, this is really close to the surface right now" I sniffle

"It's OK, you want to hide, I get that. I do that too. " He says. " So I'll see you on Wednesday morning - OK? "

I nod as another parishioner came over to talk to him. She hugged me and thanked me for my kind words when she got pinned at our Kiwanis meeting earlier in the week. I had dedicated some money in the freewill offering in happiness that she got pinned. Behind my sunglasses, the tears were still flowing freely. But she nicely didn't notice.

I pulled away from her and Fr. Christopher says "I'll talk with you Wed. Its all good!"

I lean over and I say "This isn't my normal topics. This one is about a man" I say.

He clapped his hands in glee - " I can't WAIT to hear this one"

I do just love a priest with a sense of humor. I also love that he's my age. It makes our counseling sessions more like friends hanging out and talking. Though he does make me think and answer questions I would rather not acknowledge at all most of the time.

"I have been waiting for you to come back." I said "Don't go away that long again. Even on the bishops dime"

That generates a laugh on his part.

As I leave to go teach, I realize that I have to get my game face on. Can't face a 10 year old while in tears. So I have some water as I sit in the car. I relax and think about my other friend K. She and I have the same name and the same birthday. She's in hell with her job. She loves her craft but hates the district that she is currently working in. I feel her pain. In this region, the more money a school district has, the more likely it is that the teachers are going to have to deal with kids and parents that have the attitude of self entitlement. My niece is one of her students. She doesn't suffer from that particular syndrome but so many of her classmates do.

My poor friend just got verbally abused at the solo festival that we have been prepping kids diligently for the last few months. She got verbally abused by three seemingly mature adult teachers at least 10-15 years our senior. She was reduced to tears, which is not normal for her. Been there, done that. All I could do was give her a hug. I invited her over for a glass of wine or tea. She said, not today, but definitely next weekend. She said she needs another friend who can help her through this that understands our business. She wants to get her doctorate but it's an audition only scenario and she needs more experience before the programs will accept her. I've seen her work and seriously these programs would be just damn foolish for not accepting her. But I know ther pre-reqs as well as she does and the C/V needs tweaking with more experience so we are going to brainstorm a bit.

What goes around comes around. Even on good things like asking for and receiving help,. And giving help when you are the qualified individual.

There are several future posts to come out of both scenarios here. These are both potentially volatile situations.

There is no shame in asking for help. Be it from a friend. Or a minister. Or a qualified professional. or even a family member. Human being's are raised to be independent and not need nor ask for help. But Human Beings are social creatures and are not created to know everything. They were created to learn. IN order to learn, questions must be asked. Help for what you don't understand must be sought. It is not shameful, it is not weak. If anything, asking for help when you need it is SMART. It shows intelligence and shows that you know your own mind welll enough.

I feel better just for having an appointment on the calendar. And I feel good that I am in a position to help a friend. Most of all I feel that I can discuss my issues without fear and without judgement. It's not confession - there is no confessing here. This is just simple counseling. Plain and simple.

I just need objective help here. My trusted friends who know, I value and respect all the opinions that have been offered, all the support, the caring, compassion and love. This has nothing to do with any of that. I just need to talk it out with someone who's going to help me sort out what's in my head and heart right now.

It's going to be OK. I know it is.