Uneasy

I have had a week of revelations. not all good.

First, I spoke to a friend of mine on Sunday who knew something about the Choral group that is recruiting me.

She mentioned that the director was a bit of a tyrant and she wouldn't work with her. If I didn't care, that was my choice, but she wanted me to know going in. Not sure I can do two tyrants a week....

The update there is that they rehearse on Tuesday nights and I am locked into a recording contract through mid February and all those rehearsals are on Tuesday nights. Which is a bummer for me. I very much wanted to try this kind of singing and it seems like a lot of fun. Maybe in February and I will inquire about seasonal singing with them.

Secondly. I put 5 lbs on that don't seem to want to leave. I know why they are there and I know what I need to do and I am just frustrated. Don't mind me, I just need to bitch a bit.

So I am putting my exercize routine back in place tomorrow. Two times a day. No discussions. No ifs' ands or butts.... pun TOTALLY intended.

I have a friendship that's slowly dying and I'm powerless to do anything about it. I guess I need to let it go. So to that end, I have decided that the last phone call I made this past week i sthe last one . I can't change this now but I left a somewhat sarcastic message out of frustration for lack of contact for which I am sorry.

But my perception is that I am carrying it alone and I can't do it anymore, and you can't know how it kills me inside as I feel like I am the failure here. I have done everything that I know to do to keep a friendship alive and flourishing long distance and in the end, I am the one who failed her. I couldn't reach her to tell her this live in person, and I won't send it in an email. If she reads this, I'm so sorry. I loev you and I'm sorry I failed you in this. I won't contact you or bother you anymore, but I am here if you need me, you just need to reach out. I'll miss you.

Which brings me to my current problem. Periodically, I suffer from this feeling of failure. In the case above, it's kind of true. But usually it's in my own head.

I feel like I am not the best person that I should be. I recently won an award for ALS Chairperson for the Kiwanis club. I was thrilled. And I don't feel like I deserve it. At all. So I am bothered by that. I know the family would tell me I am crazy.

I feel like my weight problems are another source of failure. Oh no matter that I took off 25 lbs. I still don't feel like it's enough.

I feel incompetent at work - why ??? Because my boss treats me like I am. How long are you treated badly before you believe it's true?

I don't feel in slightest bit attractive due to some criticsm of late. Doctors and friends and what not. I have skin atrophy on my face from overuse of steroids. Could I be any more of an idiot? I , of all people, know better. it's getting better but not fast enough. My own vanity caused it - isn't that sad???

My house is surface wise fine - you would never know that under the surface lies a mass of unorganized chaos. I am working on that.

Maybe at the young age of thirty - something, I am having a midlife crisis. And I am on the brink of getting the exact things that I want. So explain this situation to me. Someone.

I am a very intense and dramatic person, despite my attempts to not be. I have given up trying to be what I am not and am concentrating on being a better version of who am. Sometimes, in the explorations, that means I have doubts about myself. I don't feel worthy of the people in my life and I then suffer some insecurities.

My issues here are largely communication related and fear driven. I know this and recognize it and am trying very hard to make those problems go away. I have some plans for this. OH and I am not patient. I'm better at it, but I am not patient.

I'm just uneasy. Ill at ease.

and this too shall pass.

Soul Mates or Love is just the touching of souls?

Do you believe in soul mates?

I have always believed that the jury is out on this one.

Is there really one perfect person for everyone in the world?

In hebrew, the term "Beshert" means "destined" or "fated". The context is generally applied to another person.

"The Talmud (Moed Katan 18b; Sotah 2a) tells us that G-d personally chooses matches for people. A match that G-d has chosen is certainly "destined", even if it does not actually come about (for example, if the couple does not want to be a couple). The idea that matches are destined goes back to Genesis; Rivkah's behavior at the well demonstrated to Eliezer that "this is the woman whom G-d has appointed for my master's son" (Gen. 24:14,44).. In German, "bescheren" sometimes means "to give" or "to bestow"; thus one's given portion is "beschert" (the -er or -e ending indicates that the thing being given is male or female). This Hebrew association may have reinforced the Yiddish meaning of "beshert" as "fated" or "destined". "

-Torah.org

I'm not sure I ever bought into it.

I wanted to, with all my heart. But I just never saw this "matching up of twin souls" happening for me.

A little history here: I'm German, I'm French, I'm scottish, I'm english, I'm Irish. I'm Episcopalian. It doesn't matter, because every race, religion and creed has their own version of this concept. I happen to be drawn to the Hebrew version and since Jesus was technically Jewish - born, raised AND died - I tend to have an interest in that religion since Christianity is born of Judaism.

Back to Soul Mates. The point here is that, in theory, most of the famous poets in the world beleive that if we all took a chill pill and stopped looking, we would meet that perfect person. That Soul mate, their Beshert.

I think of my many friends who have met their mates. Married their mates. My mother who married her "prince charming" after divorcing the father of her children.

Divorce is just a sign that you haven't met that person. Can this be true? Can this be right? Why is it so rampant now the it was in our parents generations? Was it because they just suffered in silence?

I know this post opens a lot of questions up. I have been reading up on this and looking up information for awhile on this topic.

I question if I truly don't believe in it or am I just pouting because I am as old as I am and haven't met that person? Or I did and blew it off?

The fact is I can't imagine myself with anyone else.

But "soul mates?"

I don't know.

Tell me your thoughts on this folks! I'm merely curious to know what you all think of soul mates - do you believe in it or not?

She gets weary

I'm weary.

I'm so far past tired that I no longer care.

The reasons don't change though the percentage of issue does.

The bottom line is I need to recupperate. I need a vacation. I need to not think about work for more than 24 - 48 hours.

There's another change in there that I need also, but it's too many layers above my control.

The weariness comes from me though. I haven't figured out a way to deal with the minutiae of my job and then explain it to my boss and again to the lead PM.

But I don't wish to talk about this.

The weariness is 50% work and 50% personal.

I spoke to a friend of mine who is Holistic healer. Quite renowned as it turns out.

I mentioned that I don't sleep well, since my best friend started seeing the doctor, and that I am dealing with situational blood pressure spikes. Doctor doesn't want it medicated at this point. But wants it watched and monitored.

She gave me an herbal concoction, don't ask me what it's called as I don't recall, but it is in a vodka base - yum.... Anyway. It was an interesting discussion as she explained what it was and what it did and how it worked. It was for emotional stresses. stresses of the heart. One of the herbs was nicknamed skullcap and the teacher she had described it as a hug for your head.

I loved that.

So I have this mixture and I am trying it tonight. I'm a little bit emotionally overcharged tonight. I am not one to jinx myself so no details right now.

The point being, I do not want to add meds if I don't have to. If this doesn't work, there are energy workups that can be done. I love her though, before we got there, she said " now this is where we get into the 'woo woo' stuff" I almost laughed in her face..... It was cute.

Other than the weariness, my overall outlook is positive. I need to weariness to go away. I miss my energy and I miss my optimism even though I am not down or anything - I am definitely positive I just am not as optimistic as I could be.

I'm actually tired and I am hoping to be able to sleep tonight.

When you're up you're UP

I was flying yesterday.

Not literally but I might as well have been.

I spent the day with my best friend at Jenna's house. We discussed the latest events and are excited about them. we played music for the twins and sang. we had coffee and talked. It was relaxing and fun.

Then I came home and got ready for my gig. It was amazing. I had so much fun. I sang "Fly me to the moon", "The way you look tonight", "The lady is a tramp", "let's fall in love", "Almost like being in love", "Can this be love", "Till there was you", "Somewhere", "Memory" ( I hate that one), "the Girl from Ipanema" and for my main number I did "At long last love".

It was wonderful.

You know what made it wonderful? My Best Friend showed up after his gig. That meant a lot to me. I took him around the room to say hello to all of our friends. He told me I looked beautiful. We caught up with everyone, had our picture taken. We were both offered another gig at this church's pasta-rama in February.

He has more tests today. I am still concerned but he has some antibiotics that they are hoping may help. I am thinking that this is some kind of infection and hoping that's all it is. Praying actually. A lot, hard and often.

He has seen the doctor and the doctor has seen him

Perverse as the universe is, I have some news.

My best friend called, and he saw the doctor. He is not yet ready to discuss it, but will tell me tomorrow morning.

Until then, all I know is that tests are not yet conclusive, nothing was prescribed for the pain and the lump on his neck is now connected to the pain in his ear.

I will worry this one through tonight until I know. I am trying to not to leap to conclusions or imagine the worst.

I have some heavy praying to do. I'm scared for him.

Gold Dust at my feet

I've snapped out of it. All of it.

Here's the last few days in a recap:

My best friend came and stayed a couple of more days with me, it was entirely lovely AND I didn't freak out. In fact I did a load of laundry, the dishes and conducted my normal business as if he wasn't here. The housekeeper came and cleaned with him here too.

I realized that I needed to chill. I'm getting better at this. I'm happy about it.

We both have gigs on Friday so we can't see each other perform. Ah such is the life of musicians.

I attended the vigil service on Tues and the wake on Wed for Ella's mom. It was heartbreaking and happy all in one. She and I are going rekindle our friendship, its all still there. It's lovely and it makes me so happy.

I spent some quality time with my God Daughter at the wake, she is now 15 and beautiful. I helped her pick a song for Vocal Jazz auditions in school. We had a lovely time. I missed her so much and she has grown up so lovely.

When I came home both nights, my best friend was still here. It was entirely lovely.

My oldest friend sounds OK and that makes me happy but she's got a long haul on her hands.

My other friend Lily has decided to try marriage again. Given my stress level on the subject, her optimism is infectious and I fund myself smiling and happy for her. I was at the last one, so was my best friend for that matter, and we are invited to this small but elegant affair in Newport RI. Black tie, hotel room comped for the night, I can't wait. It's going to be so much fun and I am so happy for her.

We have a number of formal events coming up and I am thrilled because he is coming with me!

I feel like I am walking on air now. Things turn around so quickly in this world. I am happy. Generally speaking, happiness prevailed because in front of her mother's casket, Ellan and I sat and talked for half an hour. We have always had each other's lives in the focus through mutual friends, but we haven't talked until I called her in Dec. We missed each other and it was like not a day had passed. I hate keeping up with Liz through her babysitter but I was out of options. Now I don't have to.

My best friend was doing his sound engineering in the city working doubles which means home at 2-3AM and up again and on the train by 6AM for another day of it. He ha a couple of weeks of this leading up to 9-11 when he went in to see his friends from the morgue of 9-11. Every year they meet and go to the service together then to mass at St Pat's. Then he came to me. Contrite for not calling which is unacceptable.

Things are going so much better for me. I even lost 3 lbs of the superficial weight gain.... Yay me - 3 more to go!

Better but still weepy

I am in a general malaise.

If I'm honest with myself, it's the absence of my best friend for 10 days but who's counting?

Be that as it may. I am sad about Ella's mom. She was a dynamic performer, she was a forthright person - a little bit domineering but we'll call that the mother gene. That and she's British.

Grateful she's not in pain, but sad that she's gone. Something she always said to me came to mind today. She was raised Catholic during WWII. She didn't attend the catholic church - or any church after she moved to this country in 1970. When I asked her about that she told me that she couldn't believe in a God that would allow such a horrible war to go on and ravage her home, her family and her country.

She didn't really give up though. I know she didn't. She's at peace now. And no longer in pain and that's the main thing.

Last night while writing my post, I was seriously at the point of canceling all appts, rehearsals, lessons, pretty much everything are about, on a permanent level.

I just wanted out of my current existence. I'm tired. Bone tired. of everything.

I can't blame my best friend for this either.

It's my job. I am at the point where I hate going to work each day. I hate no matter what I do, it's not right. Or it is right, and I need to be criticized anyway just because.

I hate having my marching orders handed to me at 8:30 AM every day. Evidently I am too stupid to know what is a priority or not.

I am sticking it out as best as I can. But at some point I will need to make a decision. To stay or to go. I think we can all agree that I am not good at that kind of decision.

Additionally I am now at a point that I am seriously considering whether or not I ever want to get married. I am fairly sure that I do. In fact I am positive that I do. But divorce scares me. Being a child of divorce, with very few scars really, the idea of marriage and the work it entails is attractive, but scary. And I am dealing with friends who are on their first and second divorces and re-marriages. That's scary too. Honestly, I am starting to understand some of their reasons better. But divorce in any capacity just makes me cry. Every time, no matter whose it is. Because I see it as the end of a bad fairy tale.

Oh come on, I don't view marriage as a fairy tale. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

Seriously though. In a way, the end of a marriage I feel like it's the end of a life in a sense. and it is, It's the end of your life with that person. Now if they were abusive to you or your children in any way, divorce is the kindest thing that can happen. But just generally, it's so sad that my family and friends go through this that I grieve for them and the life together that they had.

So surely you can understand my fear of marriage is based on my experience with divorce. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best in Rumor has it.

"If the marriage implodes, divorce. You haven't lived fully till you've experienced one of those".

So that saddens me. I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and who I want to marry. I have no time table either.

I am feeling a little bit better about Friday night. I have a good accompanist and so I am really happy that it will go well.

So what am I doing to combat this you may be asking yourself.

Well in the area of my best friend, I'm waiting it out. We'll discuss the absence/communication issues when I see him and I will then explain to him why I am afraid the relationship will change and how communicating helps me keep that on par. But I'm not saying anything till we are in person.

In the area of my friends mom, I am going to the funeral on Wednesday. I need to pay my respects and say goodbye. I will go to the wake on Tuesday night as well so I can see my God-daughter.

In the area of my job, I'm just waiting it out for now. I don't know how long I can stand it but I'm going to try.

As far as the divorce/marriage thing: I just need to get my head out of my ass, be supportive to those who need it and not assume the cloak of responsibility for it.

I'm really not depressed, just sad becacuse things are backing up at one time. I'll be fine, I appreciate the concern and caring.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.

I'm crying and I don't even know why

I was sitting at the computer just about 40 minutes ago putting in an order for tomorrow.

I ran into a snag, nothing life threatening or critical, but it sent me into uncontrolled, inconsolable sobs.

It's not over, it's just resting right now.

Today was a weird day. It's been 9 days since I have heard from my best friend. It's stressing me out on a number of levels - none of them new:

• I told him something about me that he didn't know. I am afraid it scared him. He wa sreally supportive but it could cause him to view me in a way that would both surprise and hurt me.
• Or our relationship is changing and not for the better. He no longer needs me and as moved on to other things. This one scares me the most
• Or he's taking me for granted
• Or it could be the real thing that i don't know what it is.

Then there is a friend of mine whose mom we prayed for today at church. She died later today. I know her mom well, this was heartbreaking. But for the best as she was so sick.

Then there is my oldest friend who passed on some bad news today of her own.

Then there is my high level of burnout and the fact that I am so far behind but only care because I am getting yelled at.

I have to learn 15 songs by Friday.

I went to the first rehearsal of my group and am unhappy at this time. I love the new director but have discoverred that the mismanagement of the board has really turned me off. I am looked down on because of who my dad is and that kills me. The man is dead - let him rest in peace.

When I itemize like this, I see the reasons make sense. When it was just the problem with my best friend, I wasn't thrilled, but giving space is OK and I could make my peace with that.

The burnout and dread of Monday mornings makes me so physically ill it actually raises my blood pressure on Sunday nights by 20 points.

I was doing so great this morning. I am really not in a good place.

The dilemma

I have been invited to sing at a dinner dance.

It's the same one I went to a year ago. Only this time, I was invited to perform.

The dilemma, the title of this post, is in choosing a song.

I needed to pick something age appropriate ( average age is going to be older than my parents), something known but maybe not mainstream, topic of love, peace and kind of hoo ha.

I picked 3 standards with the help of my friend Professor Higgins. Pun intended - it was his favorite role.

• Can this be love - performed most notably by Rosemary Clooney
• At long Last love - performed most notably by Sinatra, Bennett, Ella Fitzgerald, Dean Martin - pick the one you like and that's the tune. Also used in the movie Return to me
• Almost like being in love - Again performed by the same list above but written for Brigadoon the musical written by the same clowns who wrote Wicked.

I waffle between them as the tunes come to me.

Today is D day. I have to have a decision by noon. So I am taking them to my coach. Then to the accompanist and my trusted collegues and finally to my mom.

Wish me luck

The comedian

I went to a fund raiser this evening.

A local Comedy club hosted it for us and I can tell you that I have not laughed so hard in my whole life.

I forgot how much fun stand up can be.

I was particularly entertained by the young lady. She was my age give or take 5. Greek, degree from an ivy league in finance, had the big Wall street job. A younger Nia Vardolos if you will.

I was actually worried that she was going to spin off Nia's comedy. Ethnically speaking, there were similarities, of course, but this woman was no spin off.

She was very funny, very down to earth. Some poor half Greek 20 year old dboy sat right up front and announced his Greekness to her.

She asked to see his immigration card.

Then proceeded to call him "Fake Greek boy" for the rest of night.

She was so funny. Spoke of her family who is horrified that she is single. Stole the coin of good luck that her 5 year old nephew got in the cake on New Years, because she needed the luck more than he did - and graphically explained it to him.

I enjoyed the night. My face and sides hurt from laughing. We made a nice chunk of change. Which is good as we are in the red right now.

I have a dermatologist appointment tomorrow. I need to refill everything more or less. and I want to talk about scars and stretch marks and the redness on my upper lip.

My blood pressure is running low and I like that. I had a potassium deficiency and in less that 5 days I see a difference in my blood presure and I'm not suffering side effects so it clearly is a deficiency.

I am feeling good.

Human and Spiritual Values

After 3 years as the Chairperson of Inter-clubs it was time to give it up.

The job description isn't horribly difficult: to create an inter-club 4 members must visit another club in their district for an entire meeting or event.

We are supposed to have one for every club in the district. We like to make these up at installations as they are blacktie events that start in the beginning of our fiscal year so we can usually get a lot of them out of the way. Also because the district Lt Governer counts as one person of the 4 so we then only need to pull 1 member as the President and Secretary tend to be present at most of these.

After this season is over the first week of November, it gets very difficult for me to personally participate and that makes it hard for me to get people to do it.

I try to make it fun, I steal items from other clubs and ransom them back to their rightful owners. This forces the other club to interclub at one of our events. It's all done in fun. I once took a bell, put a blindfold on it, took a picture and emailed it. What a hoot!

But honestly, I can't do it any more. My schedule is getting more prohibitive rather than less.

So when our president, going into her second term, asked for chairs to be selected, I chose Human and Spiritual Values.

This job description seems to fit what I have been doing of late better:

To implement projects that support spiritual development, provide human companionship and comfort. Projects can encourage interfaith and interdenominational religious activity, such as prayer, but should not support a specific religious sect. Popular projects include layman of the year awards, transportation to religious services, visits to nursing homes and support of grief counseling. Would give the invocation and blessings at Club Functions.

With the exception of the blessings, I do most of these things on an individual contributor level. Chairing a committee for this shouldn't be a problem. The only issue was that the person who did last year is still on the board this year.

I was lucky though, she didn't want it. She wants to do more with children. I just knew it was a sign that I was going to get this committee.

Since I have to chair one thing, this is an easy one for me. And I like doing it.

I never saw such an eager group of folks though. We were clamboring over each other to take committees.

I have really high hopes for this year as a whole. I am also going to be sad because at some point in this year best friend's brother is going to die. His expectancy is low at this point so it's just a matter of time. I'm mentally setting my own expectations here. And preparing for the really hard work in the next 1-3 years after.

Hopefully this will give me some help.

call me CLUELESS

You know, I've never thought of myself as clueless, but maybe I am.

Here's the thing.

I was alerted to a situation involving one of my friends last night. It was a moment for me that really brought some clarity to my existence.

It occurred to me, in that moment, that I have not been the best friend that I could be of late.

Not that I am doing badly. I don't think we've crossed into that realm yet. But I could use some improvement. Hey at least I am not "openly hostile". Ha ha ha.

So I took some actions and apologized. I am feeling badly because I love this friend very much and we've been through so much together.

Then it occurred to me that, outside my immediate circle, I may have been less than available of late. Being honest with myself, my life has become comprised of work, teaching, my best friend and sleep. The filler time includes some form of food, exercize and socializing/errands/appts. There is very little time for anything spontaneous.

And this is in the summer. Fall just started. My availability is going to decrease further as the performing groups I belong to start rehearsal.

For those of you who need me and I am not being good about noticing the signs, please email/call/Instant message me. I am going to try hard to pay better attention to those that I love, but in case I miss it, please clue the clueless blond in! I will drop what I am doing, make time, whatever and you all know that!

So, in short, I am going to try and be better.

The Plan:Month 8

• Scenario 1 - Health Exercise: My Blood Pressure spent 2 weeks on the crazy high side. Upon further analysis from a doctor and nutritionist, I am suffering from extreme stress and a lack of potassium. Who knew? I started taking a potassium supplement in addition to eating 1 banana for breakfast every morning. other than that, the weight continues to chink down slowly but surely. We are around the 25 lb mark at this time and I have the clothing size differential to prove it. I am doing Pilate's moves every day but am planning to step up the process by going back to walking every morning. I'm planning to add more strength moves in 2 weeks. I am making an appointment with the dermatologist soon to renew allergy meds.
• Scenario 2 - Job/Career- It's better, not wonderful. Leader was clearly spoken to and is being more reasonable, however this may not be a long term solution. My review was funny. He came all the way out here to give me my mid year and the reality was - he didn't come out here for me. He came out here to go to the US open. The worst possible time too, A/C was broken in the building. Project is almost wrapped up. I'm taking another vacation at the end of Sept. I need the down time seriously.
• Scenario 3 - My home - New A/C arrived. I'm very excited. It's not installed yet, but I'm working on it. I need to start fall cleanup. I LOVE the fall and I seriously can't wait to start seriously cooking my soups and stews and entertaining again. It's very much my favorite season. So I am going to be in an organizational mode over the next few months.
• Scenario 4 - finances - Things are looking up. I'm very pleased with it overall. I'm even planning to go back to the original plan for Christmas of being everyone a gift rather than secret Santa.
• Scenario 5 - Education - School starts on Wednesday. Kids should be going back to their schedules and I should be in better shape. I am personally singing at a black tie event in 2 weeks and then again at my own installation in October. I'm working hard and planning a recital in roughly a year with my voice twin.
• Scenario 6 - Relationships and Friendships - My family is still amazing. My newest nephew is absolutely precious. He smiles now. My newest niece is a real prize - she's got the best sense of humor, she crawls, and is valiantly trying to walk. She loves to play and giggle and really likes her voice. I was lucky to have an entire day with the two of them to myself this past weekend. My mom is going to babysit with Anna banana next weekend while my brother and SIL, J and Rae, go to a wedding out here. It should be great fun for my mom. My friends are awesome. We just did the girls August birthdays at the beach. It was entirely lovely. The next set of birthdays is going to be weird, I have one in October, one in November, my best friend in December and another in January. I traditionally do the January one. But I also now do the December one. It's going to be busy and interesting.
• Scenario 7 - Self esteem - Higher than it's been in a while. I am feeling more secure than I have in awhile and I think we all know why. I spend a lot of time on the topic here but this post is largely about the status of ME so I don't want to get into that here. I'm taking care of myself. I'm doing all the things that I know I need to do for myself and then some. I'm happy.
• Scenario 8 - Spirituality - I took the majority of the summer off from church attendance. For a variety of reasons. Primarily I had conflicts out of town, but the ones when I was here, I needed the rest and the ability to not have to look at people that I have known my entire life and tell them that everything is wonderful and fine when it wasn't. So I just avoided the entire place for the balance of time I wasn't able to go and I am now ready to go back next week. I miss it too. I have been praying every day, thanking God for the miracles and blessings provided to me.

Today is labor day. I took today off. I slept the majority of the day. I am still tired. But I feel good. My BP has been in low range all day which is lovely for me. Today is my day, I am not nervous or stressed about work tomorrow. I feel rested, relaxed and calm. I am happy and content.

Playing House

A short while ago I wrote a post about when I was a little girl. I referred to some of the games that I enjoyed playing back then. Playing house was one of my favorite favorite activities and I was ALWAYS the mother.

I had my own play kitchen, I had a china tea set ( which I still have) and my dad had built me a china closet for that tea set. I loved this game. I made my friends be the other members of the houshold and supplemented with dolls and stuffed animals when needed.

As I grew up, the idea of playing house was starting to morph as people started moving together. It took on a different connotation. Not a negative one per se, but a different one. It started when my now step dad moved in with us when I was 9. They didn't marry until I was 12. Thus they lived together with us kids ( 5) until that time. It was my mom who didn't want to get married. She was afraid that their relationship would change with marriage.


Other than room - mates, I have never "lived" with someone I was involved with for anything longer than a long weekend and I was in my early 20's at the time. To be honest I am not entirely comfortable with the idea as it leaves an escape hatch if you will.

My experience with "playing house" as a grown up is very different now. I have managed and maintained a household just for me and the pets that I had. I know what it's like when an appliance dies and needs to be replaced, how the bills need to be addressed, doing laundry and food shopping. All these things that need to be handled. At my pace and my schedule.

The operating words, right? My pace and my schedule.


So, earlier this week, my best friend and I trialed more than 1 day together in a row with no one leaving. Two whole days in fact.

I have to say that it was an unplanned event. He arrived one night, a mutual friend stopped by while he was here, because I forgot completely that she was stopping by to drop something off. Providence though - We all needed to discuss a fund raiser she is trying to set up and it worked perfectly that she came here while he was. We had wine and cheese and talked and laughed.


When she left, we watched some movies and relaxed. It was a lot of fun. I had a full work day the next day so I didn't give this a lick of thought. I ended up in my office 2 times this week instead of 2 times a year...

The next morning I got up, showered and tiptoed around a bit so as not to wake him while I got ready to go to work. Fully expecting him to be gone when I arrived home.

I was late in getting home as I had a follow up almost immediately with one of my engineers. I walked in and saw his reading glasses still on the coffee table and almost laughed out loud. I was so surprised - pleasantly - that he was still here.

We spent the day puttering around the house, I worked, he put the groceries away, I worked, he fixed the shower drain. I worked some more, he took a nap, we had dinner, he brought in my air conditioner from the UPS Man. He wasn't feeling so well, so we took it easy and relaxed the evening away. Then we went to bed.

The next morning, we sat with coffee, he checked his messages for the first time in 2 days on his cell, right in front of me, on speakerphone. Nothing to hide.

It was entirely lovely.

But.

The last night, by about 10PM, I noticed that I was getting fidgety. I knew my housekeeper was coming the next day and I needed to pick up and fold laundry. Two problems, I didn't want to because I was exhausted. Secondly it felt rude. Hence my problem.

I was feeling claustrophic, and it wasn't about him. I love him and I would happily spend every second with him. So this was weird.

Upon further reflection it occured to me that I couldn't relax the second night because I didn't want him to feel like he was in the way and I had things I needed to do. I am not at the point where I can do normal day to day chores in front of him because I am still in "entertaining " mode.

Well, it's new. To a degree. it has the potential to develop further but then again we are at too early of a stage for it.

I'm a creature of habit and have lived alone for a long time. I want to share my life with him. I will happily make those accommodations, but when we are ready for it.

We are still talking and sharing. I told him a really important, insanely personal secret that less than 5 people in world know about. His reaction was absolutely sweet and supportive and slightly comical. He was touched that I mentioned it, understanding that he is very limited company.

It was an important trial and a good one I think. Was it perfect? no.

But it didn't suck.

The Cabanna

Today we celebrated the Jenna's and Kathy's birthdays by borrowing a cabanna from a friend of the family.

We packed all our foods and goodies, clothing, suits, drinks, and all necessary items for a day at the beach, prayed for good weather and set off.

I stopped on my way to our meet point to pick up a birthday cake. The funniest thing happened. I went to the bakery in our local Grocery store and as I was checking out, there was an old man - clearly 70's - 80's - bagging for the checkout girl.

I should clarify this since you can't see me. I have a slight redness over my top lip - similar to having chapped lips, due to my eczema.

He asked me 'What man has been kissing you?" I started to laugh and told him no one. But he persisted "You have whisker burn over your top lip! CLEARLY some man has been kissing you!!!" I laugh harder and so do the people around me. Not to be out done, I explain that it's from my eczema. "Oh. I thought for sure some man was making love to you"

I almost peed in my pants from laughing and said "From your lips to God's ears"

We live close to the beach, mere minutes in fact. We got there and our friend was there to open up the cabanna and she stayed to lunch with us which was lovely.

We set everything up and sadly ate all day long. Literally. When we weren't eating, we were drinking, margueritas and mimosas or both.

It was a little bit overcast causing me to have a slight, ever so slight, burn on my shoulders. It's OK and it doesn't really bother me, I just happened to notice it.

We had planned to have drinks afterwards and invite the guys and ladies that were unable to make it but no one could stay awake.

We stayed at Lily's moms for a bit and made her dinner, which we shared with her. We spent a few hours together and her mom is planning a black tie event and invited me to sing at it.

I have to sing something upbeat on the topic of Love and peace. My friend Pat is an expert at picking tunes so I am going to hit him up again.

I am incredibly tired. I am now going to bed.

By the way - I hit 25 lbs today. Very exciting.

The master juggler

You know those Meme's that fly around the internet? They invariably ask the most idiotic question I have heard.

"Can you Juggle"

and honestly the only people who ever answer in the positive are people I generally work with.

The answer is "that is my entire job".

Because in our chosen career, multi-tasking is the only to stay equal with the curve. If fortunae smiles on you and you actually get ahead of the curve, you won't be there long so don't get comfortable. I had a boss who used say, if you are ahead of the curve and things are slow, use that time to tighten up the process, not loosen.

And I have managed my life and career that way.

As a single person, managing a career, being a homeowner, pet owner, friend, family member, car owner, lover, it's a tough juggle. You have to manage all of these things and still find time for yourself.

This same boss was once going through a divorce after 16 years of marriage and two kids. After that was over and she started dating again, a man she was dating said to her "I can only hope that I can be considered for the fourth or fifth slot in you priority list." When she asked how he arrived at that position, he told her "You are your own first priority. Your children are your second. Your family is your third and your career is your fourth. "

That was 8 years ago. She is no longer seeing that man which makes me sad as we liked him for her a lot. But his points stuck with me. They are really important. I have always tried to live my life that way too.

Given my life events of late in my romantic life and my career, I see a shift in my priorities and my family and friends have noticed the slow Darwinian shuffle starting to change around me.

My life prior to April went like this:

1. Family
2. Friends
3. Career
4. The Contessa

My life now looks more like this

1. The Contessa
2. Her Best Friend
3. Her Career
4. Her Family
5. Her Friends

But that is not consistent day to day. I am not good at adding that fifth element and juggling the whole stack well. And Honestly I am a true master juggler. I can run a conf call on topic A, while writing up orders for Client B, updating Spreadsheets for Client A and carrying on several IM conversations. At the same time.

So why can't I juggle all of this? Why do I feel like I am failing miserably at some class like Math? I am really trying to find time to include everything and something rise to the top when necessary and some things float back to the bottom. And yes, I know that is normal. But I can't seem to get into a routine and rhythm. The last thing I want to be is the girl who dumps her friends now that she's involved. Regardless of what the relationship is or how important it is, it's still a priority when that call comes in.

I have a crazy week ahead of me. I have not slept well in a week. My blood pressure is riding a bit high for the stress that's in my life today.

I need to get to Friday. Once I'm there, I'll breathe a sigh of relief. the juggling will have stopped.

At least temporarily.

35 Years

I want to tell you about a really special friendship that I have.





When I was 3, I went to pre-K.... yes slightly early. I went to a private school for Pre-K and Kindergarten because my mom was a teacher there. Not mine, mind you.





I met Lena there.




She took my hand and we ran to her mom and she said "Look mommy - this is MY friend".





And that's been it ever since.





We didn't live in the same town, so we didn't attend the same schools after Kindergarten. In fact she stayed in that school for a few more years before attending the public school in town.





Things chugged along nicely, we had play dates ( they didn't have a title back then), our moms were friends and my younger brother and her youngest sister were in the same classes in school, and we had birthday parties and holidays and summers to play.



This picture shows us at an early birthday party - as true to my being a Contessa - I am the one with the tiara. She is the one on the right and in the middle is OUR first boyfriend, Kyle.

Then the worst day came. When we were 10 her parents made the decision to move to Puerto Rico. Her dad had business there and her grandparents lived there so it made some sense.





I thought I would never see her again.





We wrote, snail- mail ( before email and computers), we called one another on ludicrous expensive transatlantic phone rates for 10 minutes.





When I was 12, my parents arranged for me to travel down there, alone, to see her for 2 weeks. I was going to miss school, but I would get to spend knew years and 3 kings day with her and her family. I was excited. One of my top 5 Christmas gifts ever.





We had a great time, they took me to see everything.





The summer we turned 14 she moved home. Permanently. I was excited. It never occured to me that things would change with us. And so, they didn't.





We have seen each other through everything. First beau's, first periods, new siblings, divorced parents, death of parents, marriage, divorce. Everything.





We couldn't be more different though. She is the practical logical level headed one. Cuts right to the chase and pulls no punches. She is not a game player though neither am I.





Me, I was more of the dreamer. I always lived my life through the characters in my books, stories in movies, music. You get the idea.





Today, we continue to approach situations problems from these respective styles. the family issue I had a year ago, she cut to the chase and made the incredibly valid point that I maintain as accurate to this day, I had nothing to do with the situation. therefore I can't be held accountable. It's made everyone' s life easier as it takes me out of the loop and forces the other parties to negotiate amongst themselves.





When she has had emotional situations come up in her life, I provide her wtih the emotionally thought out responses that got her to think with her feelings in addition to her heart.





She has two gorgeous children. Her baby looks so much like her at that same age that I was taken back. Her baby is 3 which is when she and I met. She is starting Pre-K in the fall.






It's 35 years later. We are still close though we live on opposite sides of the country.

Happy Birthday Lena!!!

23

Today I started really mentally focusing on what I was consuming since I was slightly elevated in weight yesterday.

I started out by weighing myself prior to doing anything else, literally. That number was already down. I am only .8 of a lb over my lowest number.

Sweet.

So I took my day in stride, pressure and stress be damned. I went back to my ol' reliable for food. I ate my lean cuisines.

I cranked up the water.

I did the 15 minute version of pilates.

I am drinking green tea in the mornings on stressful days rather than coffee. That's not as much a healthy substitute as much as a lazy substitute.

Physically I feel better, my skin has a glow and I am wearing a pair of jeans in a size I haven't seen in a few years.

Emotionally and healthily, not as good. My emotional state, of which 85% is due to the job, is not that great. I am actually planning to step up the activity to help combat that. That stress and pressure is causing my blood pressure to go up and down.

I am in a smaller size and I keep forgetting how significant 23 lbs really is. I just keep thinking that I have so much to lose still, that I truly forget how significant a number this is.

I can't wait to fit into the smaller sizes I have in my closet.

Random items from yesterday

I've taken to titling my posts AFTER I've written them. I'm always afraid that will be the most creative thing about the post.

I spoke at my Kiwanis meeting last night. I hadn't planned on it, but our presdent asked me to give an update on my best friend's brother. One year after our fundraiser, the prognosis is not wonderful. On my way there though, I called to see how his doctor appt went. He didn't go as they rescheduled for next week. He wanted to come over and watch some more movies.

I smiled all the way to the meeting. Really Goofy stuff right?

I crack myself up. I make fun of women who get starry eyed. Or at least I used to. I can't really do that anymore without being somthing of a hypocrite.

***************************************************************************************

I noticed yesterday that my weight was up ever so slightly. I reviewed my eating habits and strategies and gave myself a mental headslap. On Weight watchers, depending on your actual weight, the number of points you are allowed to eat will change. You would have thought that someone who dropped 23 pounds on a program she has been on for 10 years would have remembered that. I have been eating an extra two points every day this week. Resulting in a slight elevation in the overall number. no biggie, It's certainly not a big enough number to make me freak out. It's not yet affecting how my clothes fit, but it needes to be taken care of now. So no pizza, no eating out, no ice cream, minimal alcoholic content. just for a bit.

I'm in an unsupported critical situation at work. Unsupported meaning my management is not supporting it actively. I am doing 100 % of the work and I still don't know if it will go the way I want it too. It's very uncomfortable. I feel in a way that I am beinng set up and on the other hand it could realy make me look good. We'll see.

I"m heading for bed - I am too old for 4AM nights.

Status Quo - "for now"

With my best friend no longer being his brothers keeper, I have found myself worrying less about him on one hand and a little bit more about us on the other. He's sufficiently starting to be on the mend for which I am grateful to God. His downward spiral, while totally predictable, was alarming.

I suppose that my worrying about us is not as critical as I thought it was, though it's not completely at bay. Last night, his first official day of freedom, he called me to bring me dinner and watch some films. I had a call that I could not miss at 8:30 for work, and he didn't even care. He slept through it. Some of the snoring intentional to get me off the phone faster.... he slept right on my lap while my team had our first call of many.

The thing that I noticed first was that in our relaxing of the vigilance we have both been observing over the past 4 months, nay, the past 5 years, was that we are both exhausted. Sleep takes on a whole new meaning. We talk about things that are of interest to both of us and he's taken more of an interest in my life and my past that he was just unable to focus on before. We did some pictures and conversation over dinner. It was entirely lovely.

Until things get to a more settled place where he has a regular job, and sadly, his brother passes, I don't expect the relationship to get where I want it to be. And I am enjoying what is happening now, while slightly uneasy because I abhor change, it's really better than it's ever been.

This has forced me to look at some things in my life that weren't working that I need to address. It's strange actually. Things you thought you had dealt with months or years ago suddenly arriving on your doorstep clamoring for your attention.

My job was the first thing to reach up and grab me in a choke hold. I am not alone in this and we are addressing it. An action plan is being put in place and a series of conf calls for planning sessions. We each have some hard thinking to do about how far we are willing to go, but there is at least a glimmer of light and hope.

The other thing is my home. I've got a commission check coming in on Friday that will enable me to catch up on a couple of things, buy my new A/C and start saving up to replace my, shhhhh, refrigerator. I bought a new gown for a formal event that my best friend is taking me too. I am madly in love with this dress and I am so excited that 23 lbs down I can fit into it.

My music has suffered unbearably and I need to get back to that. I actually brought all my books into the house from the car so I could work during the day. I have so much rep to learn and not enough hours in the day. I'm starting to get verbal about what I like and don't like and I"m standing up to it. I DO NOT want to sing anything else from "Merrily we roll along". I don't like it and that's that. I did start playing around with a new tune from Lady in the Dark called my ship.

I have to work on some of my relationships. Seriously. It's time for a little honesty here. I h have friends who hate the phone. I call them and one out of every 10-15 calls get returned. I understand the hows and whys that go into it, but its time for people to hear my side.

I myself hate email. If you got 500-700 emails per day - and that's just for work, you wouldn't want to be anywhere near it either. I make the concession for my friends sometimes, but truthfully, those of you phone haters - step up! I did, I check and answer email though I regularly wish to toss my laptop out the window by 5PM each day. And I'm on a high enough floor that it will do damage to it. I feel the same way about instant messenger. I am on 1 personal, 3 work related ones every day. I shut them down most times at night and will only talk to people on them during the day or for some select group of friends in the evening. ( you all know who you are). The phone is the only thing I can stand because I can truly multi task while on it. So there it is guys.

Friendship is a two way street. If you email me and I take the time to return it, knowing how much I detest it, please take the time to return the phone call I might make. I will recognize the effort as much as I know you guys will recognize the effort of my returning the Email. Thus endeth the lecture. Please understand that I needed to come clean and let you know that I appreciate your honesty and now it's my turn .

I need to start going back to church regularly, I have been using that time to sleep. I know, sad.

I need to add more activity to my life. I'm doing it, but it's not consistent. So I need to work on that.

health and skin - they are so susceptible to stress. I am working on my skin now and it's got good days and bad days. I have some kind of inner ear thing that makes me really uncomfortable but I have some drugs now.

I have doctor appts that need to be made and I am scheduling my third Brazilian wax for this week. It's not so bad now. The trick is to take aleve before you go in - and take a double dose, less pain.

I have been really reviewing things in my life and while thins are going well I have one small piece of stress, my best friend is having the lump on his neck looked at today and I haven't heard back yet whats up. I'm praying though.

Pray with me too please. He's everything to me.