Better but still weepy

I am in a general malaise.

If I'm honest with myself, it's the absence of my best friend for 10 days but who's counting?

Be that as it may. I am sad about Ella's mom. She was a dynamic performer, she was a forthright person - a little bit domineering but we'll call that the mother gene. That and she's British.

Grateful she's not in pain, but sad that she's gone. Something she always said to me came to mind today. She was raised Catholic during WWII. She didn't attend the catholic church - or any church after she moved to this country in 1970. When I asked her about that she told me that she couldn't believe in a God that would allow such a horrible war to go on and ravage her home, her family and her country.

She didn't really give up though. I know she didn't. She's at peace now. And no longer in pain and that's the main thing.

Last night while writing my post, I was seriously at the point of canceling all appts, rehearsals, lessons, pretty much everything are about, on a permanent level.

I just wanted out of my current existence. I'm tired. Bone tired. of everything.

I can't blame my best friend for this either.

It's my job. I am at the point where I hate going to work each day. I hate no matter what I do, it's not right. Or it is right, and I need to be criticized anyway just because.

I hate having my marching orders handed to me at 8:30 AM every day. Evidently I am too stupid to know what is a priority or not.

I am sticking it out as best as I can. But at some point I will need to make a decision. To stay or to go. I think we can all agree that I am not good at that kind of decision.

Additionally I am now at a point that I am seriously considering whether or not I ever want to get married. I am fairly sure that I do. In fact I am positive that I do. But divorce scares me. Being a child of divorce, with very few scars really, the idea of marriage and the work it entails is attractive, but scary. And I am dealing with friends who are on their first and second divorces and re-marriages. That's scary too. Honestly, I am starting to understand some of their reasons better. But divorce in any capacity just makes me cry. Every time, no matter whose it is. Because I see it as the end of a bad fairy tale.

Oh come on, I don't view marriage as a fairy tale. What kind of idiot do you take me for?

Seriously though. In a way, the end of a marriage I feel like it's the end of a life in a sense. and it is, It's the end of your life with that person. Now if they were abusive to you or your children in any way, divorce is the kindest thing that can happen. But just generally, it's so sad that my family and friends go through this that I grieve for them and the life together that they had.

So surely you can understand my fear of marriage is based on my experience with divorce. I think Shirley MacLaine said it best in Rumor has it.

"If the marriage implodes, divorce. You haven't lived fully till you've experienced one of those".

So that saddens me. I make no secret of the fact that I want to get married and who I want to marry. I have no time table either.

I am feeling a little bit better about Friday night. I have a good accompanist and so I am really happy that it will go well.

So what am I doing to combat this you may be asking yourself.

Well in the area of my best friend, I'm waiting it out. We'll discuss the absence/communication issues when I see him and I will then explain to him why I am afraid the relationship will change and how communicating helps me keep that on par. But I'm not saying anything till we are in person.

In the area of my friends mom, I am going to the funeral on Wednesday. I need to pay my respects and say goodbye. I will go to the wake on Tuesday night as well so I can see my God-daughter.

In the area of my job, I'm just waiting it out for now. I don't know how long I can stand it but I'm going to try.

As far as the divorce/marriage thing: I just need to get my head out of my ass, be supportive to those who need it and not assume the cloak of responsibility for it.

I'm really not depressed, just sad becacuse things are backing up at one time. I'll be fine, I appreciate the concern and caring.

In the meantime, I'm going to bed.