Follow-up to Next Steps

This post is a follow-up to next steps.

The whole Thanksgiving thing set in fine relief. I'm not sure if I was clear about what happened here.

I spent the day with my brother and his wife and her family. I couldn't have asked for anything better than this unless it was to have my mom and step dad here too.

At the end of the day - these holidays are about family and friends and giving thanks. B's mom made a wonderful meal with some dishes also provided by her grandmother.

I had a lot of good food and even better conversation. This to me is what family is about.

My family is made up of a rather distinctly unusual and bright and talented people. It's not a stretch really. All of us are super bright regardless of which end of the gene pool we came out of.

B's family is very similar in that regard. They are wonderfully bright and sensitive caring people. I really love that she and her family have joined with us. More importantly I love that my brother married the right girl for him. Their children will be a hoot and I can't wait for nieces or nephews that will actually know who I am. I love them already!

In short my brother and I are closer now. Not due to this holiday specifically but some family events of late. This makes me so happy. We talk like we haven't in years. He makes me laugh. All of you who know me and think I'm the funny one?? WRONG - he's the funny one. I'm the straight man.

I had one of the most relaxed days in a long time on Thursday. Christmas is with both families at my brother's house - that's going to be a blast and I can't wait. Last year was with B's family and if that's any indication I'm really looking forward to it. It's so nice to have a big family.

Thanksgiving Eve

It's actually officially Thanksgiving day.

If I were a different person or had some kind of evil personality transplant I would laugh and rub my hands together in evil glee.

You see the family member that hadn't invited me for Thanksgiving is now not even cooking for her guests as they have a family emergency to attend to that is life or death.

That part is sad and I feel very badly ( even with the evil persona) that this family is dealing with this tragedy at all, let alone on a holiday.

However.

That family member now is going to the cousin's home at the last minute and just tonight wondered what I was doing.

The real me, felt badly, that I was unable to invite them to where I was going. But not badly enough to say anything. When I was asked what I was doing, they were suprised to find my mom out of town. I, of course, reminded them that I had this conversation 2 weeks ago with them. Good will all around regardless. But funny that now the shoe is on the other foot.

I wish I could have truly enjoyed that moment. But All I could see was irony. and the thought that was go around comes around.

Meanwhile I LOVE this holiday. It is the only one that you can go to other's homes, there is no gift giving pressure, there is no religious overtones for people to navigate ( especially in multi-cultured homes like mine) and overall it's just about good food, good company and giving thanks for the blessings in your life whatever they may be.

For fear of being repetitive from yesterday, no one will spoil this for me.

Our interfaith service was wonderful. We had representatives from the Lutheran church, the Presbyterian church, the Congregational church, the Catholic Church, the Reformed Jewish Temple, the Orthodox Temple, The Mosque, The Greek Orthodox Church and the Episcopal Church ( we hosted). the choir had our normal 8 ( out of 10) and we had 8 members total from the other places of worship. It was a lovely service and I enjoyed it immensly.

I am headed for bed now as I have to sing at church at 10AM and then I can come home and chill out before heading to my sister-in-laws.

I give my thanks for my family, my friends, the roof over my head, the careers that I have, the cats I adore, and my good health.

I love you all!

Desparately in need of a mental health day

I'm tired.

Not physically. But emotionally. I want a day to not have to THINK about anyone I don't want to or anything I don't want to.

And Wednesday November 22 is my day.

I have a couple of have-to's to take care of - have to walk, have to teach 2 kids, have pick up the house.... but that night is my want to - the annual interfaith service. It's my favorite and it is so much fun. We have such a wonderful time. And this year my church, St Judes, is hosting.

We are singing "For the Beauty of the Earth" by Rutter. I hate the tune to be honest, because it is soooooo overdone. But it's suitable for words and technically do-able. So we go with it. Last year it was "look at the world" also Rutter. Wonderful piece and I love the Mass for the Children that it comes from. If you ever have the opportunity to listen to it, please do. I'm a little disappointed that we aren't doing more traditional hymns but that's not really a crisis.

Mostly my plans for the day are taking time to be with me. I need brain healing time. There are very few calls I will take - select friends and family ( and I mean select, if any of you are reading you are allowed to call!). I will take a hot bath maybe a nap ( yum!) and cook and just be at peace with myself. I need it so very much.

I don't need these too often but the pressures of my job get to me. My primary gig can be very stressful and we are nearing the end of a project that I am running and everyone is starting to scream loudly and it has become an unmanageable mess. My boss took care of one major issue today so that when I return after the holiday it should be fine. I have a few other measures that I need to put in place and then I think it will be smoother sailing.

That said - that's circumstantial and I can walk away from that mentally 99% of the time. Layer that with the emotional stuff that's happening and you get a time bomb. So I'm de-fusing the bomb so to speak.

I'm looking forward to spending the holiday with my new sister-in-law and her family. That's going to be a lot of fun. As previously mentioned, her parents are roughly my age. I am truly looking forward to it.

I am also now trying to find my holiday outfits. I can't find anything appealing at my regular haunts and maybe tomorrow I will head over to Dress Barn here in town and see if they have anything that looks good for the holidays. I am sooooo picky and I need a new dress for the party on the 15th. You would think I would be excited right? I HATE to shop. I mean I seriously HATE stores. I hate trying things on - no matter WHAT weight I am. I resent that I have to spend my time there. Truthfully 99% of my wardrobe was bought online or through catalogues.

I do 100% of my Christmas shopping on line. I just don't have the patience for a line or any other those other things that make malls and stores so much fun for others. I don't even food shop in a store. 80% of my food purchases come from an outfit called Peapod. I love them and I am a preferred customer. They will be bringing me my groceries tomorrow - yay me!

One small note about customer service as we gear up for high shopping season. I made a deposit at my bank on Sunday night at the ATM. It should have posted today. Not only didn't it post, no one saw any record of it. I called the branch after talking to the customer service center and the assistant manager was so unbelievably nice. She went ahead and authorized a portion of the check to be posted to my account for tomorrow. What I liked most about it is they hadn't even found the check yet. She didn't want me to be without funds for the holiday while the bank was closed. I was truly touched by such a nice woman. She is supposed to let me know when they find the deposit but they believe that it is there and they just errored in processing. They were properly concerned for me, for locating my money, for making retribution to me, but not so much so as to create alarm in me. the personal touch is NOT dead OR in India as many believe. It's alive and well in the US.

So that's my plans for tomorrow - it's ALL about me.

( see I'm getting better .... I CAN tune out the world! ) Bon Soir!

A plan for Christmas

Given the stress of Thanksgiving and the situation in my family, I decided to make a plan for the Christmas holidays so as not to go through those feelings of "unwanted-ness".

I used my weight watcher list making technique. I made a list of "want to do's", "Need to do's" and "have to do's". It looks like this:

Want To Do:

1. Attend Midnight Mass Xmas eve
2. Visit with friends & family on Xmas day
3. Bake on Xmas eve
4. Have a relaxed meal both days
5. See Eeman play on Xmas eve
6. Have a nice dinner between Xmas eve services with the brilliant musicians mom. ( Her invite)
7. Sing all three services at church

Need to Do:

1. Exercise both days
2. Eat smartly early on both days
3. Shopping on Xmas eve
4. See a family member ( the one I am having difficulties with) on Xmas eve early or early on Xmas day

Have to Do:

1. See a family member ( the same one) on either day

Now you may wonder why "see a family member" is on the need to do and have to do list. Allow me to explain. this list is awesome tool. It shows in a very specific relief what the sense of urgency is on Need to do and Have to do.

So it's on both as it will depend what this person wants at that time. I have two slots that I have intentionally not filled so that I can arrange for one of them to go to this person. But I am not rearranging for them. I have a very specific time table all ready lined up for both days. I have some time before 4 on Christmas eve and I have time before 2 on Christmas day. That, of course, is assuming that my brother and this family member don't patch things up.

This is my absolute favorite season of the year. From Thanksgiving through New Years ( which I continue to find a bit of let down. ) I love to decorate my house, bake my favorite items, attend my holiday parties, See my friends for cocktails. I love the sights, the smells, the sound of voices raised to heaven... It's all important to me. And I'll be damned if someone else's issues will ruin it for me.

So I made my plans already. And though this is an unselfish time of year, I'm being a little bit selfish. I have to be though for two reasons: It's better for me from an emotionally stable point of view AND I am trying to make some traditions for myself. I always see Jenna on Christmas day night for cocktails. It's become a tradition for the past 3 years and it's really become a part of the holidays that I look forward to. I rush there from wherever I am so I can see my girls ad my boys before they fall asleep. This year the twins are REALLY talking and I CANNOT wait to see them and hear what they will say!

I already have 2 parties scheduled so I am being selective about everything else this year.

One is a secret Santa that I do with "the girls". Excuse me. The Goddesses. Jenna found the coolest website. http://www.elfster.com will set up your secret Santa for you and email the details to each participant. It was so cool, I set it up for my family secret Santa this year. It's working out really well. I love this website. I urge you to check it out and try it.

So I am now feeling settled for the Holidays and I am off and pricing out prelit trees for my house. I can't wait!

In the wee small hours of the morning

I should clarify some things from this morning's post.

When I wrote:

"I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me. "

I should quantify that this little tiny detail that he did with the wine is a small thing that he knew was important to me because it spoils the taste of the wine to be poured through a foil wrapped bottle neck. What set him apart was that he knew that and did it because it was important to ME and he really doesn't like wine terribly much. He drinks it when it's all that is left. So the small act was all the more important to me.

So I was late to church as I finally fell asleep at 6:30. I knew that was going to happen, I was late to my rehearsal, but only by 15 minutes. I love Peg but her voice isn't what it used to be. And she has my solo from last year ( Cincia is trying to keep things fair) but no one can hear her. We are having a LOT of music for Christmas eve and Advent but it should be fun. I am now singing at the 5PM service as well as the 10 AM and 10 PM. Busy day.

I am vocally tired today from yesterday's lesson. He worked me hard but that's ok. My recital is less than 3 months away. Eleven weeks to be exact. I'm freaking out now as I don't feel ready. I know it sounds crazy. But that's me - I like to be prepared early. I'm sure last night's drinking didn't help me at all either.

Funny thing is I lost 2 lbs between last night and today. That made me laugh. I have no intention of drinking like that perhaps ever. I just like the loss of control. It isn't me. I was not so drunk that I had any bad after affects: no hangover no stomach issues. I'm just a bit tired from irregular sleep. Some chest congestion but that's leftover from allergies/cold thing.

The Weight loss thing is going well now - two weeks of consecutive losses makes a big difference to me. I am shooting for a loss on Thanksgiving too. It's completely doable provide I save my bonus points for that day and keep in mind that it's a holiDAY not a HoliWEEK.

K and I are going to sing a duet at church on New Years Eve. We are excited about it. I like my new friend a lot. We talked today all through an exercise that we were supposed to be doing at church this morning - I'm surprised we didn't get detention! Or be made to stay after !!! Too funny. She's doing a recorded concert at church with her school's chamber choir and my baby girl Lin is singing a solo. Of course she almost blew it and I was going to do it because Lin double booked and planned to go with the thing she "wanted" to do rather than the thing she "committed" to first. But it all worked out which is better as my concert is the night before and I have one of the solo's in the Poulenc Gloria and there is a good chance I will be exhausted. But I will go and watch anyway. I will pinch hit if she needs me.

So I am still waiting for the pastor to email me back about his foster son... the brilliant, well-read, musician. The man just peaks my interest to no end. Half the books I have read of late are at his suggestion. And they were all good. He's totally against type for me. TOTALLY. Where I go for blonde's or light brown hair with blue, green or hazel eyes, he has black hair and dark brown eyes. He's just different. But when we talk - it's with single minded purpose, everyone else goes away and it's for hours. So I am patient with this one.

I just returned home from my rehearsal which was really great. I sang my solo with the group for the first time and it was a huge improvement over the crappy audition I did when I wasn't feeling well last week.

I treated myself with QP with cheese and fries from MCd's. 26 points for those who care.

I have em' I used em.

It was good.

A date for Thanksgiving

my sister-in-law called while I was entertaining a gentleman caller today....

I was entertaining EEman - he is now finally seeing me for the fabulous person I am.

He arrived with Killian's in tow...

I hadn't eaten all day literally so before I knew it, the beer was gone and he was looking to open a bottle of wine. I chose a good one and he did the very thing that sets him apart from most of the men that I know. He didn't JUST open it, he also removed the foil from the neck of the bottle BEFORE pouring. Wow, I could fall in love just that easily watching him do that. I do not believe that I taught him that, though that possibility does in fact exist. Still none-the-less, it really spoke to me.

Too bad we're just friends now. Actually, I'm kind of liking the fact the he's now treating me much better than he used to. This is a good thing and I'm happy about that. What makes this different for me is that I don't think I want him anymore in a romantic fashion, it just can't work for us. But I digress.

As you know wine is a big HUGE part of my life and my families. We grew up on it, my mom is quite knowledgeble about it and French wine in particular is important to us.

So if you want to call me a snob when it comes to that - go right ahead. Because it's true.

So E and I talked for hours literally. We played music and sang, we dished, discussed and endless array of subjects from politics, mutual friends, music, music, music, his 50th birthday party that I have been working on so hard. Oh and his potential break up with his girl friend.

hence the wine.

So when the phone rang ( twice while he was here....) and it was my new sister-in-law to invite me to her mom's on Thanksgiving - Eeman was cheering in the background between quoting verses of the song that bears her name ( and she's named after that song too according to her mom who is younger than eeman and close to my age. The song is by Looking glass and some key words in it are "wears a braided chain made of finest silver from the North of spain, a locket that bears the name of the man that ____________ loves...." ) because even though he has to work that night, he couldn't even do the day for dinner with me because he has to tend to his brother. And he felt badly about it. I thought it was incredibly sweet of her and I do think my mom had a hand in that because I don't think I mentioned my brother or his wife that I was going to be alone ( and they don't read this).

So now I have someplace to go that I will enjoy and be thankful for.

So back to Eeman. We had a LOT of fun tonight. I can't remember us having such a good time. I was feeling badly that he was not getting the best treatment from his girlfriend. Some women can juggle multiple men at the same time really well and some just can't. His girlfriend, it would appear, falls into the latter. She knows what she's doing is problematic and he really wants this to go somewhere. I just hope for him that they can work it out. I'm not real sympathetic to her cause to be honest. If you know you are doing something to hurt someone else and not making any move to rectify it, thats not good and doesn't really lend itself to a lasting relationship. I don't think that she wants to give the other guy up to be honest. I don't have high hopes here and I hate that this is happening to him. He has not had the best luck with women.

However to give snaps where they are due - he does recognize how fabulous I am and managed to nicely slip that into the conversation several times and I like hearing that from anyone but especially from my male friends. It speaks volumes about the male member of our species when they recognize things like that.

Meanwhile throughout all of this we have now finished off a six pack of beer and two bottles of wine. YIKES thats 17 points for me on Weight Watchers and I don't get that many in a day to start with!

uh oh - I'm was tipsy. OK I was full out drunk by the time he was ready to go deal with his girlfriend. I'm a scary light weight when it comes to alcohol consumption. And most times I can take or leave it altogether as I don't like to lose that much control of myself. But I was feeling safe and secure in my own home and with him so I was able to relax and enjoy myself. My problem is that I never sleep well when I have been drinking. I know tons of people who sleep wonderfully, I'm not one of them. So it was no surprise to me that 11:15 I was sleeping on the couch, I got up at 12:30 and went to bed and was awake by 4 and need to be up for my church gig at 8. I can't remember the last time this happened. Kind of funny but tomorrow I will need a nap at the least

So here I am writing my post with the hopes that I can fall back asleep without pharmaceutical means.

I'm starting yawn and notice that je fatigue so I am headed off to bed.

Fait de beaux reves!

Next Steps

All this introspection is exhausting.

Worth it, but really exhausting.

No matter how much I tell you guys that it doesn't matter that I will be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time EVER - it does matter.

Evidently more than I thought too, I called up one of my good friends who normally hosts, and she's not hosting this year due to a death in the family over the summer. This was my "safe school". Oops. I actually invited myself ( she would have too if the roles were reversed) because we have that kind of relationship. She felt bad and totally understood where I was coming from on certain points like the family member who's hosting the day and didn't invite me. She knows this person and agree's that they are being vindictive to the wrong people. She also said that even if I get an invite from her, stay home - otherwise the doormat that I once was will continue.

That person is a lonely person and I am not lonely - I normally don't have any issues being by myself. I don't wallow or ruminate. I just "am". A major holiday though - that's a different story.

This is a weird year. people who normally cook aren't, those who don't, are and people who never go away are away. It's just weird. It's like the world went on and left me here and I never knew there was that kind of change in the air.

So I haven't officially decided whether I am going up to Westport CT or if I am staying home by myself or somewhere in between yet. I probably won't decide until next week officially.

It still confounded me that this little thing - and let's be realistic - it's a "little" thing, really bothers me. So I am trying to work through it - like an adult. It's not easy because all these emotions get in the way. But that's all right - better to get them OUT of the way so they don't stay bottled up.

I'll get through this one. And my lesson is, that person in my family really doesn't want to have family. I keep trying to take care of them as my dad would have wanted, but they don't want it. So I have to make peace with the fact that they don't choose to be part of the family due to the issues that happened between them and another member. It just sucks that they are trying to make me have to pay for it. I have to make peace with the fact that I will never see my family memories and heirlooms again too. That's just stuff, but it's a part of my personal history. I'm glad I have the few I have already. I am going to have to be selective - something I hate - about the nature of our relationship moving forward. They want to have one, but I am beng relegated to "acquaintance" now, which I have a problem with.

Damnit. I did NOTHING wrong here. And I am being "taught" a lesson for it. They know that they are wrong for this too, otherwise more people would know about it. They have a habit of telling the free world when I have done something to upset them. And EVERYTHING I do is wrong. I don't lose weight the way they want, I don't dress the way they want, I don't eat the way the want, wear my hair the way they want, sing the way they want ( or not at all is their preference), worship the way the want, I know too much, I don't know enough.

You know what this is? The map of an insecure mind. This person is old enough to my parent, and they are so insecure that they need to be-little and berate others to be on top.

I have always known this and felt sorry for them. NOw I realize they have been doing it to me too... all along. If you can't beat them join them??? hell no. I have my own insecurities and they have been fed by this person for 25 years. Well. Those days are over too. Just a few days ago, they called me up to tell me that they had a medical test that I had inquired about a couple of weeks ago. It turned out negative which is wonderful. Then they told me the only reason they had it was to prove they were of sound mind when they updated their will.

That was uncalled for. I don't give a crap what they do with their "things". At the end of the day, those "things" are just things. I called them the next morning to tell them that the statement that was made and the spirit in which it was made, was not fair. At the end of the day, given the options, as much of a pain in the ass as they are, I would rather have them here. healthy. And That I resented the implication that I was a mercenary waiting around for death. We aren't like that and we weren't raised that way. They were properly conciliatory but not as much as I would have hoped. I don't think they believed me.

I thought this was a good first step to making the necessary changes to make me better and happier.


Yayyyyyyyy me!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Forgive and Forget

I just read someones blog that I don't normally read. http://cheaters-and-cheated.blogspot.com/ is definitely a sad story. I found something interesting though that made me think.

In reviewing the comments posted several people mentioned the concept of forgiving and forgetting. The general consensus is that if you can't forgive AND forget you may as well bag the whole thing.

But is it?

I have always been the person who forgives and forgets. Once I make the decision to let it go, it's gone. This is the main reason I have the ability to remain friends with almost ALL of my ex's including one specific relationship that I am not too proud of.

So it brings to the forefront the question - "can one forgive but not forget"? I have two members of my family that can't. Ironically they aren't speaking to each other at the moment either. And no it's not a coincidence.

My personal answer here is, I can, but what to do about those that can't??? Do I a)continue on trying to repair the relationship or do I b)just bag it or do I c) continue on and not worry about what they do.

I have chosen option "C". Once I am done and let it go, I continue on with the relationship and work at it. Eventually I may bag it due to lack of reciprocity but I will give it my all until I have had enough. I have a long fuse. This is what works best for me and truth be told I would feel like a failure if I just walked away without an effort. So this is what I am working at continuing. I like this trait in me, and no one gets to tell me it's bad or wrong.

It makes me curious though. Since my true closest friends are the forgive and forget types ( regardless of the infraction by the way), I don't really deal with the other except for those family members that are like that. And trust me - that's accommodated BECAUSE it's family. So my curiosity on this is simply, how do you hold onto all that baggage and still function? I mean, seriously? It seems like it would be A LOT to have to mentally file through when deciding if you are going to open up to a new person. It also seems to be a lot of work to have a friend who may have made a mistake that hurt you or made you angry and have to keep filtering how you deal with them. It almost seems dishonest in a way. You know what you CAN talk about and you know what you CAN'T talk about. I don't think with true friends you should have to filter subject matter.

I find it infinitely more peaceful to forget the bad in the past and work towards a future of good. But there's something to be said for forgiveness but not forgetting what was done - IF YOU CAN LEARN FROM IT. But if all you are doing it holding onto the past hurt or infraction for self protection, not only didn't you learn from it, but it tends to make you bitter and angry when you come across that again. You also run the risk of never being able to completely open up to another person.

Which brings me again to my dear Maple Mama. In one her comments to my post this week, she became my memory. She remembered how I can open up willingly and give of myself to another person because she has seen me do it. This is part of it. I thank goodness she remembers these things, because it reminded me that I CAN do this and I CAN open up to others. I just have to go with my instincts and be the person that I am supposed to be, not the person that others want me to be. In other words, when I open up and get hurt, I have to forgive, forget and move on. Mourn the loss and put it away on the shelf. Dust it off when I am ready to examine it clinically for a learning purpose. I used to do it, Maplemama has seen it so clearly there's proof there. As weird as it sounds, I usually wake up one day and the world is right again and happy and I have moved on.

One of the forgive-but-not-forget family members would love nothing more than for me to be like them. This person spends a lot of time being negative and expecting the worst in everyone. I don't view people like that. I never did. But I have spent a lot of time with this person and I started to realize that I was viewing people very critically and expecting to be disappointed. And I didn't like it much. So I let that go and went back to being me. It helped that during that time my childhood best friend and I were talking quite a good deal, which is really cool by the way, and as she has a tendency to be cautious and I am the optimistic one, it really helped me gain my perspective back. She always said that I see the good in people. She's right I do. I just have to keep being me.

What a concept.

By the way, here's a picture of Lena ( my child hood best friend), our first boyfriend, Kyle and I at my 4th birthday party. Look, I even have a tiara - I was a contessa even then. Just ask my mother.

Playing safe in the neighorhood

I'm piggy backing on Maple Mama a little bit here but the information I have now is really important.

And mind boggling.

I tend to have a very positive view of the world and human nature. So it is incomprehensible that there are human beings out there who want to harm children physically, emotionally or any other way.

I have Friends and Family who have been through this before, so it's very real, but I can't get wrap my mind around the kind of person who would do these things. I have a tendency to try and get into the mind of the person to react in the most fair way possible. I literally try to stand in their shoes to understand where they are coming from before acting. Having said that I cannot do it with these types of people. I don't get it.

The damage that ensues from both the physical and emotional trauma is sometimes so intense that it takes a long time to get past. So education and prevention is very important.

I agree with Maple mama that you have to run a fine line with teaching kids about this. They need to know to be cautious but you don't want them petrified to leave the house. I don't have children myself, but I have been trained to identify abuse in many forms. No matter whether the kids are related to me, or students, or friends' kids, I am always looking out for them and their well being.

I check myspace regularly for my students ( under the age limit or suggestion as I call it since there is no way to enforce it!) and my friends' kids. I also check those that are of age to make sure that not too much personal information is being given out. I warn them that I scan so they know that I do and why.

My new sister-in-law sent me a wonderful website called http://www.familywatchdog.us. I checked it out myself and was astonished to note how many sex offenders of varying degrees live in my town - none too close to me, but in town none-the-less. There is in fact a building that I swear has a policy that states if you DON'T have a sex offense charge you can't live there as so many occupants do. Thankfully that's not in my town.

What is neat about this website, is you put in your address, and a map pops up, your house is marked by a house and the schools are posted and the whereabouts of the sex offenders are noted around the maps. You click on any one of the sex offender dots and that person's address, picture and the specific crimes that they were convicted of come up. There are different color codes for child molestation, rape, sexual battery and "other". Each color has a corresponding color for the work location of these people as well.

It was very much a wake up call to me as my stomach kept turning over as I saw more and live ( and might I say skeevy) people, mostly men, but surprisingly some women, come up on my screen. Seeing them face to face like that just made me ill.

The website also has tips about teaching kids and helping them identify what is OK and what is not. I thought it was a well done website that as long as it is updated regularly will be an invaluable tool to parents.

I have sent it off to most of my family at this time and have plans to forward to all my friends.

Please check it out and forward it as this could make a difference!

For your reference here it is one last time: http://www.familywatchdog.us

Self Protection and Introspection

I discovered last night, that the loneliness that I am feeling now, is specifically holiday related.

I am not even sure that I am willing to go so far as to call it loneliness. It's more like being hurt that no one wants me around for the Holiday. (Other than Maple Mama and one other friend in New England of course).

Now the logical and realistic part of me says that I am being ridiculous, I would absolutely be with my family if they were here! My mom is away, my brother with his in-laws, my step mom is having company but hasn't invited me, my friends are away or working. So my issues are a smidgeon irrational.

But it brought up a new problem. If I were married, this wouldn't be a problem. If I were even engaged, it wouldn't be a problem. Of course I would have different problems LOL....

So go ahead. what's the next logical question? Why am I not married?

It can't be that I "just haven't met the right chap". Though I can safely tell you that lately I haven't. One prospect but no high hopes at this time.

Nope, its fear. I am afraid of having my heart broken and I am afraid of getting divorced. Yes, I am jumping the gun dramatically here. I don't even have someone in my life to be worrying about this crap WITH! My friends have been married and divorced, some multiple times, and it hasn't killed any of them. It hasn't sent any of them over the edge of sanity and all of them have re-married or found someone else. So why am I so afraid?

My parents divorced at an early age. My dad took it very badly ( it was more a sense of failure I think than losing his wife) and spent the early years of my life drinking himself out of the pain . this is mainly why I drink less now and never when emotional pain is that bad. My mom, ultimately ended up marrying one of my dad's closest friends. A man she didn't even like when my folks were together. Watching what my dad went through I can't imagine the heartbreak. When people divorce there is usually one who wants it more than the other. My dad was the one who didn't want it. Too much upheaval of his way of life. But he knew they weren't happy.

What sticks out in my mind most, is how we would go to him on the weekends, in the town I currently live in, and we would go to a bar/restaurant for dinner for us and drinks for him on Friday, Saturday he would leave money on the dining room table so I could walk to the 7-11 next door and get cereal, milk, chef boyardee and car food and carton of cigarettes for him. He would sleep most of the day and then maybe an activity in the late afternoon and dinner.

It never bothered me that I was taking care of my dad and my brother at the age of 10. But I realized that in taking care of my dad and watching him mend his broken heart that that may have taken a toll on me that I didn't realize. So I self protected and didn't allow my heart to be available in a healthy way.

So again upon reflecting, I now know that I need to be braver and take more risks. Not just with the mundane things, like auditions and stuff, but with my heart. I'm not really good at it, but I'm willing to try. I tend to only let my heart go to people who can guarantee to break it, or be unavailable to it. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. So, my plan now is to change that. Completely. Change is coming to me easier now that I am more humble about the weight loss changes I needed to make. So we add this to the list of things that I am working on.

I had an entire conversation with myself as if I were the therapist and and the patient last night. That's when it occured to me what was wrong. It was rather funny - BUT ( and here's the whole WW thing in context) I used one of the Tools for living to have that conversation and get to the root of the problem! A big step for me! Such a cool postive change and I am proud of myself for doing it on something truly hard.

This is a big deal for me. Until Last night, I have never really thought out what I was doing that was wrong here. So this holiday season, I can safely tell you that taking those risks with my heart is going to be tough, but I am willing to try. That prospect I mentioned, I think I need to arrange a meeting.. ... He's cute and brilliant and a musician! can't pass up that opp!

A special Thanks to Post-Doc and Maple Mama for having the courage and honesty to post the difficult stuff. I am only just getting brave enough to write it here at all!

Interesting development - Word of the day - Blah

I started about 3 posts over the past few days. None got published but in reading them I realized that each one pointed to the same specific problem.

It's me.

I have this insecurity about myself that only manifests every now and again in some interesting ways.

The three posts very specifically display this.

The titles are Political Shenanigans in the Musical World, Loneliness is and Maybe I'm over-reacting.

The first one took place over the weekend and it was about the politics in selecting soloists and the audition process. ( Yes I got the one I wanted). The shenanigans were legit, but they bothered me anyway.

The second one was actually Maybe I'm over-reacting and was about two mutual friends of mine who I see once per week. It has become obvious that I have become the third wheel and it was bothering me. Now that has since resolved itself as well.

The last one, Loneliness is, is about the fact that I will be alone for Thanksgiving this year for the first time ever, not by choice, To be with my family I have to go away and I can't afford that as I have church on thanksgiving eve and thanksgiving day. So I am going to be alone. And I am not really sure how I feel about it yet. Since I'm not overjoyed, or wildly ecstatic - I won't jump straight to "wow I'm looking forward to this". I'm not sure that I am upset by it and I am not frantically calling every person I know to wangle an invite. But I wouldn't mind one. Weird. I could go up to the restaurant where Eeman plays since he will be there working that night, I could order in a Thanksgiving dinner, or make whatever I want. But I like to be around people as it is my favorite holiday ever. It's a week and change away so there's no pressure....

These three posts, which will never be published so don't look for them, really made me see that my insecurities are there regardless of how much I bury them.

1. I am a talented musician: I sing beautifully and work hard at it. I play the flute beautifully and the piano. I am a dynamite teacher. I had an off day at the audition and I know what I need to do to make sure that doesn't happen again.

2. As for my friends, One of them I have spoken to and the other I will speak to at some other point when I see her. Both of them are good friends and I really think that had some over-reaction happening.

3. The Thanksgiving things were just bad timing.

I keep working hard to not take these things personally ( they all happened within 48 hours of each other). I am usually very self assured but for some reason these three things struck an insecure chord in me.

I'm not unhappy or sad or depressed or anything like that. I'm just marking time for lack of a better expression. I'm not exhilarated or anything like that, but I'm just kind of 'here'.

Blah is a good description.

Obsessive need to Organize

When I was young, my obsessive need to organize only took hold when my mother made me clean my room.

yes - "made me".

I have only two methods, Do it right or don't do it at all.

So when time was lacking, don't do it at all became the preferred method.

I now have Maria coming twice a week. This relieves me of the "don't do it at all" guilt that I go through. It also enables me to live in my happy little home without the stress of major upkeep.

She's worth every penny.

But every so often ( usually the week she is coming), I get into this pick up the house routine that is more than just clean off the surfaces of the mail and what not ( that takes 15 minutes tops!). I end up organizing my bookshelves (now they look neat and orderly and I've discovered that I need more!) and went through the 9 zillion catalogues that I have received and pulled the pages out that are important to me and put them in a box. I filed my important papers and discovered that the file cabinet needs major revamping. I am seriously going to have to remove everything and redo it.

What makes this unusual from when I was a child, is that now, I can look at that file cabinet, knowing full well the disaster area it has become ( more music than files and its' not really using the best system. ) and walk away due to time constraints, but put it on the to-do list to not be overlooked on a weekend somewhere. I used to lock myself in my room for 4-8 hours and when I was done, every drawer was re-lined with shelf paper., every clothing item was refolded and sorted by color, the desk was re-organized to suit my latest projects, my closet tidied up to accommodate the seasonal clothing. I would organize my jewelry box, my bathroom, my sitting room. This is my "do it right" mode.

My room most of my life was a mess. Largely due to my ability to "drop" tasks that have little or no importance to the project at hand. That project back then, was life. I was as busy then as I am now. Maybe more so. So "don't do it at all" was more the mode than "do it right".

Hence my mother "MADE ME" clean my room.

It was a source of comedy in our house, my mom would send both my brother and I to clean up our rooms. He would be done in 15 minutes. I would be done in 4-8 hours. the difference was my room was a clean as clean could be - literally. My brother? Don't open the closet..... it's an avalanche waiting to happen.

So I have learned how to combat my natural urge to start a job and finish it "properly". well, not combat really, more like redefine what properly means for the time I have allotted to the job. Tonight's job I had allotted 2 hours for and at an hour and half I had papers and catalogues all over the floor. So after filing, and seeing the disarray there, it occurred to me that that is a second job not an inclusive part of the first and should be done at another time. I do have to go to be tonight as I am working in the morning!

Words of Wisdom for the day.....

"Don't spill juice on your laptop"

And yes, that's exactly what happened.

This morning, I had an early conference call, joined it and then the cat decided he wanted some love.

OK, I can multi task while I am listening.

I pick him up, put him on my lap, and his tail swoops out and knocks the glass of juice BEHIND me and it splashes on to the keyboard.

yes, from the table BEHIND me.

Not seconds later, the laptop fizzles and shuts down.

I don't panic or get mad, I call in my ticket. I told them that one of my kids knocked the juice. ( That's not a lie, my cats are my kids!). Then I get the hairdryer and put it on the cool setting and start drying out the interior of the laptop.

So I am awaiting for a callback from the tech, and meanwhile I am setting up backups for my work for the day possibly two. I had made three calls, when the tech called me back. He went in search of a motherboard for me, and would call me back.

I get in touch with my back up for Order Assignment detail. She's mad at me, and I had NO idea why. Then she told me that our boss decided ( without speaking to me at all) that she was going to pick up 100% of my work for the day.

Unacceptable. I have way to much work and there is no one person that can accommodate their own workload plus all of mine. So I have been making all these arrangements and in one fell swoop they are undone. So while she and I are working through the details of the tasks she needs to today( and happier about it because it is a one shot deal), I call our boss. I tell him what I've put in place and that solved the problem.

So now I have done everything I can do at this point, so being industrious, I decide to do my 30 minute 30 walking DVD. I reflect at this point, that as soon as I start, this guy is going to call me back. And three minutes in, that's precisely what happened.

So now it's noon. I need to meet him by 12:30. The Laptop is STILL not booting up and I tell a colleague as I am packing up to go into the office, the damn thing is going to boot up perfectly once it gets into the tech's hands.

And it does. I curse the thing silently. He takes it apart, cleans it up, puts it back together and send me on my way. Without a new motherboard. And since we really cleaned it up, the keyboard hasn't worked this good in years. the Space bar broke, so I gorilla glue'd back together and re-attached it and it's unbelievably sensitive.

I was back on line and working by 2PM. A minor miracle in this company. usually this is 1-2 day gig. So I am pretty impressed that we got things moving and I met the two major deadlines that I needed to today.

So my words of wisdom to impart: Don't spill juice near your computer.

Meetings and Recreational Party Planning

I was late. Again.

sigh.

Traffic here gets worse every year. But that's not my issue. My issue here is that I am late - again. I was late getting to my lesson. And late leaving.

Making me late to my Kiwanis board meeting.

Again.

Fortunately I wasn't OVERLY late getting there. And I love these meetings this year. We have a great board and lots of good ideas and great people.

So I pull into Commerce Bank, and I am thrilled that it is not the torrential downpour it was last month.

They are kind and waiting for me... I haven't missed much. And then I saw it.

Pepperoni and Cheese and Crackers. I haven't had dinner and my stomach was making rude noises.

Yep - I ate it. But I mentally kept a tally and a tick mark on my agenda sheet and ran home and put it in my online food journal. I drank 32 oz of water while I was there and we were really productive in our planning. I also got 15 dollars out of the deal ( reimbursement :-) ). 6 points worth of this. I should be glad it wasn't cookies or cake!

The thing that I love most about holding our meetings at the bank ( our treasurer is a manager there), is that we HAVE to be done by 8PM. Sharp. The bank auto locks at that hour.

So I am home, all journaled and still hungry. I made a mock grilled cheese sandwich. (5 points compared to 13) and my phone rang. Jenna wanted to talk about the party we were helping to plan.

Now this is fun. Creative juices flowing. We were checking out websites. We found centerpieces, party favors, autograph ideas ( thank you Lew!) and table settings and colors.
I LOVE to plan parties and so does Jenna. She has such a great flare for this stuff too - we were having a ball ( Lew was listening to us and watching the game at the same time! He's so funny!) This party is going to be awesome!

I did my Firm program today for 45 minutes.

I am feeling so vindicated.

THE SCALE MOVED DOWNWARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Whining doesn't get you anywhere

I want to thank you all for letting me whine yesterday. It was actually very cathartic for me and the overall answer is that I need to have faith that if I am doing all the right things and setting my smaller goals for myself that eventually my body will catch up. The good news is that I did write down my specific goal of 10 pounds by Christmas. I also ate healthfully and smart choices today and I did a 30 minutes power walk on the Walking DVD that I purchased over the weekend to help me get through the holidays. I'm feeling A LOT better about this.

I'm not as stressed about what happens when I lose the weight to the big goal, it's a long way off and I don't need to address it today. I just need to enjoy and learn on this journey and remember that these changes are full lifestyle ones so I need to do what makes the most sense for my life.

The one change I plan to make is to add a 10 minute power walk every morning with these DVD's before work. That will be in addition to the Firm Body Sculpting 3 days a week and the 30 mins walk 4 days a week. This is totally doable and I will add more or change it as needed.

On a sad note, Rod passed away due to a fall in the shower causing him to bleed out. The memorial service was in Tampa on Saturday and I didn't find out until Sunday. Even if our email server had been up on Saturday I wouldn't have been able to get to Tampa for it and no details were provided. So I am planning to do a toast in his honor with some of his friends. It's only right and I feel that he would nod his approval from heaven and be only too pleased when I yell BON BON across the room at some poor unsuspecting soul. And I'll do it too! He'll laugh. I miss him. I just really hope that he didn't suffer overly much.

So today I chatted with Jenna and we started looking at party favors and decorations for eeeman's birthday party. It's starting to get fun now.

I have some basic housekeeping to do that I did not get done this weekend.... laundry, dishes that sort of thing. But I was in phenomenal voice this weekend and I am trying not to get the col that keeps threatening to arrive - I am on airborn constantly, using my neti pot and just keeping my voice warmed up. I was popping out the F's from Der Holle Racht all weekend better than I ever have and that sucker is HARD. Melody and I talked about it and decided that when you sing those notes, you feel them in places of your body that you didn't think you could imagine. I'll let you imagine that.

Lastly, things with the benefactor are interesting. I definitely have the upper hand right now, and though I am not comfortable with any one person having an upper hand in a relationship, I think that balance of power has somewhat shifted from the parent to the child. The child now, is calling the shots in the relationship. The good news is, since I am the child, and I am the person that I am, that means that I am making the terms of this relationship more in tune with me, while still honoring the person that she is. You see, there are facets of her personality ( largely anger and insecurity and all the things that make that up - lying, CYA, embellishment, flash emotions, anger, negativity) that I do not care for but do recognize why they are there. And you have to take the fleas with the dog. But I am choosing to use frontline on this relationship. I have put into practice the ruleset that I live by with every other person that I know. I have good relationships with my friends and my family and this one is going to fit me this time as well as her. I think this will be a good thing. We don't talk every day anymore either, but it's every other day.

I doubt highly that the zebra will change her stripes, but I feel that she needs to have the opportunity to try. I will not abandon her, she is family and has no one else and I won't have that. But I won't go back to the relationship that we had as it was overly dysfunctional. A step past the line of normal dysfunction..... LOL!!!

Things are falling into place, slowly.........

Fears

I was "taking stock" today after a weight watcher meeting.

In doing so, I found out that I am afraid of losing my weight.

I know this sounds stupid. Overweight people want to be thin and thin people want to stay thin. So why am I afraid of being thin?

I really sorted through this. I mulled it over for most of the day in fits and spurts.

It's not doing the work to get there. I am certainly not afraid of hard work. I have no problem in doing the hard work to improve myself.

I once lost 40 Lbs on WW. Not that long ago either. I gained some back due to necessary bout of oral corticosteroids and then lost that weight in order to gain it all back when my dad died.

I can tell you specifically why and how I gained it all back. And then some. I can tell you WHAT I ate and how much and how little activity I was getting to counteract it.

Today's meeting was not different from any other. There were no words of wisdom imparted that were new or unusual. The topic was typical. It was motivating Strategies. Nothing new for me. But something my leader said smacked me in the core of my being. And it worried me through most of the day,.

I am afraid to be thin because being thin means I have to change the work I am doing to maintain it and it's for LIFE. The fear of failure isn't a problem, I don't fail. rather than fail, I just don't try, unless I KNOW I can do it.

So what is holding me back? Seriously I did a lot of soul searching on this one. The fact is the only thing holding me back is the fear of what happens next when I am thin. I have NEVER been thin and I have never NOT had to diet or exercise. I don't know what it's like to be thin. Thinner than I am now? yes, but thin? nooooooooo.

So really it's not just the fear of being thin, but the fear of the unknown.

Now those of you who are being logical here, might say, you have everything to gain by losing the weight. Better Health, better looking, clothes that fit, feeling good, more energy. The list goes on but that's what jumps to mind first.

I have written several posts in the past 6 months saying that I've got it and I get it. But I don't have it and I don't get it. well.... I GET it. But reality is I only had it for a short while. I have to get over the fear of what comes next. I don't know where I got the courage to do it the first time before dad died, and the stakes weren't so high then. Then dad died and my courage seemed to go with him.

I need to find my courage. Courage to do this, and not be afraid. I need to do this. It's the right thing for me and I KNOW it deep in my heart and my core. And I truly do want it. But I don't know how to get past the fear of the goal and enjoy the journey.

I am open to suggestions from my WW girls ( I know you secretly read this J&L!). It's a quality of life and I think one of the things I have to do is find something else that will comfort me when I need it rather than food. That's naturally starting to happen anyway, but at the end of the day, I really need to have a better comfort and safety system.

This program works for control freaks like me. It really does. But though they regularly address the life changes you need to make for this program to work, I can't seem to get that into my brain.

I am doing better with the program overall. I drink my water, I am back to exercising ( properly I might add) regularly, my food system is supportive of my needs without giving me the ingredients to make the bomb. I journal online each day, every morsel.... HONESTLY. I take my vitamins and try very hard to get all my fruits and veggies in as well as my dairy. The tasks are relatively easy. I just feel like my courage, not my power really, but my courage is buried somewhere and I am not sure how to access that.

Maybe perseverance will unearth it, but do I want to rely on "maybe"? I need to not be afraid of the goal. Which is currently 10 LBs. I want to get 10lbs off right now. I want to do that by Christmas as a gift to me. I have the courage to do that little bit. We'll see after that.

I have never honestly been afraid of anything real. And to come to terms with this today after the meeting kind of made me take a step back and really think long and hard about this.

I need the help and the support and I am willing to do the work and am not afraid of that part. So I will try working on the 10lbs by Christmas. We'll see how that goes.

I will need a lot of support on this and I'm warning everyone here up front.

I don't have "it" yet. But I'm working on it.

I now define "it" as courage.

Stay tuned. The definition of "it" will change.

The Godfather

My adopted Godfather ( my real one is who knows where), passed away on Halloween.
The exact email that I received went like this:

Friends, I’m sorry to have to inform you that Rod passed away yesterday after a long bout with cancer. He was a true friend to us all, sharing everything he had, asking only friendship in return. We all appreciate his rarity of character in our otherwise self-centered world. He will be missed.

It was perfectly written and though short, it captured the essence of what Rod was about.

He had pancreatic cancer. There was not much that could be done to save him.
Rod was a fantastic person. As UB put it, rare in this world. The expression "would give the shirt off his back" was an understatement.
We don't know too much right now, other than he has passed. We have heard that he would like to be cremated and his ashes buried at Arlington National Cemetery he was a Vietnam Vet). He is still in Florida as far as we know. The not knowing is hard for me.

I spent a little bit of time tracking down some friends of his, people that worked for him. It was tough to express it. By the time I got to WCC I was in a better place to talk about it.

He was 57 years old. He had a large family but not a close family life. He friends meant the world to him. He truly only asked for friendship in return. We were very close. I can't define the relationship too well, other than that. He was a part of my family. He was a lot of fun but he could drive you insane. He was ridiculously intelligent, but couldn't spell. I always said that his mom shortened his name from Roderick to Rod because he couldn't spell. He refused to clean his monitor at the office - he called it his anti- glare screen. He had rottweilers who hated women but loved me more than they even loved him.

He loved to spoil those around him and he has seen a lot of sad times and a lot of happy times. He attended my dad's wake, he came to my concerts ( when I had solos), he had me play for his wedding, I cat sat, dog sat, bird sat for him. He was my boss for awhile. He was my neighbor. My family always spent New Years with him.

One of our favorite shared memories was my Junior year of college when I was home student teaching, working at their company at night for some extra money. Rod, UB, my mom and Elle (Rod's Wife) decided to go to a french restaurant "La Grenouille". There, I had my first glass of truly expensive red wine. And Let me tell you the difference between inexpensive and expensive can only be described as whoooooshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

I had Lobster - shelled. Unreal. But the part the we laughed about for 10+ years afterward was dessert. He didn't really eat dessert. But they put a bowl of the these chocolate balls. They were like chocolate balls of butter. So of course, the broadway crowd thins. It's a sudden lull in the restaurant and Rod yells "Bon Bon" and points to the bowl. We all cracked up. It's been a private joke between us for years. If I close my eyes, I can hear him saying it and laughing that laugh he has.

I am mixing my tenses and I realize it, but I am purposely not correcting it. I just can't believe that he's not here anymore and the laughter has ended. So the tenses will be mixed for awhile.

He was a special man. He was loved by most everyone. He's with Bear and Ibo now.

Rod - Ibo has a balloon in his mouth for you!

BON BON!!!

My friends at work.

When you go to a school like a performing arts school or culinary or anything where you can show your skills off in the limelight, you are bound to be in a position at some point to see your friends at work.

We always TALK about work but that's different. Because you get the opinion commentary with it. I hear that a lot in my primary job. My colleagues are ever surprised to hear me deal with a difficult customer and have them wildly happy or at least calm at the end of the conversation, yet I hang up the phone and have a stream of expletives on that individual.

So I had the double opportunity last night to go to a concert for my Linnie girl, the daughter of good close friends of mine. She sang beautifully and has frightening stage presence. She will go far that young lady will. She has grown into a lovely young woman.

Her teachers in middle school and High school are friends of mine. Her high school teacher could be my sister except that we have the same name, spelled the same and the same birthday. I met her through her mom who sings in my church choir. Her husband is a really warm great guy and they are neat people. She and I have the same interests, we both sing, she has sung with the same groups that I sing with. She has two kids. Her son is my buddy. He is a ham on the stage. I sing with him a lot. He's 8 and what a talented kid.

So they left me a free ticket at the door, R&B saved me a seat with the family ( 2 rows worth, Linnie has her own personal fan club!) and I watched some of the most talented teenagers that Syosset has to offer perform. I was impressed. They put on a great show. It was clear they worked hard. Watching my friends organize, play in pit and conduct was a hoot. They are dynamite! I was duly impressed to watch her conduct the concert choir in a tune from Fame. It was unreal. In tune, well done, dynamically accurate and they were having FUN. They are some awesome teachers and are well loved by their students.

I am always in awe of my friends when I see them in their professional garb. I have another friend who is now a doctorate in Music. It came as no surprise to me to see that. He is a professor and director of a few choirs/choruses. I have seen the pictures and I am going to try to make it to a performance since he is local to me.

BernieRA is another one. He is probably the only one that I know that regardless of what he is doing with his professional life, I can picture him doing it. And well. He's got integrity that I don't find every day in this profession we have all chosen. He's has it when he performs ( with that gorgeous voice of his), when he teaches, anything. He is a model of integrity for me.

I would be remiss if I didn't include 2 well loved favorite teachers, my mom and Am. My mom is currently teaching kids who are kids of the first class she ever taught in this district. It's kind of a hoot for her. But all their parents remember her fondly and how fun she is and how much they learn from her. No matter what direction the world has gone, my mom has a new and fresh way to teach these kids in their own language. She is always abreast of the latest in her field and how to include that in her lessons. My mom likes all the classics including the backstreet boys, Santana and Josh Grobin. Its a hoot to see her CD collection.

Am has a lot of musical theater under belt as she does at least one per year with her school. Some years ( like this one ) two. She teaches advanced music theory and of course choirs/ chorus. her kids LOVE her, as anyone who see's her myspace can attest to. I have never seen her teach but I know that it would be a riot to watch! She is another one who is creative and likes anything that is NOT in the mainstream both for personal and professional.

Not to be outdone, we have Maple Mama who so diligently works to provide cultural arts to the fine residents of Vermont. And she does this with style and flare. Just like she did in college. She was good at giving tours, creating experiences ( some not to be mentioned here), organizing events and handling large groups of people. I think that this is her special gift and talent and it thrills me to no end each time I hear about some event that she put together or some kind of mishap that she smoothed over ( and there is ALWAYS a mishap!). She does a fantastic job with this. Before this gig, she did a fabulous job with the Teddy bear man and I have the bear to prove it. She really helped that business grow to the corporate world it has grown to. She is a true asset to any organization.

So last night was a neat surprise for me in an other wise sad day. On a side note and a topic for a separate post, we lost a dear friend and member of our family to pancreatic cancer yesterday.

I met my identical hand ( voice) twin!

Those of you who are "Friends" fans will remember Joey's famous line "I've met my identical hand twin!". And he thought they would make a lot of money on this....

Well, I have finally met the person who blends with me vocally. I have been dealing for a long while with not getting duet's and such because the director can't blend other's to my sound. It's really tough on singers because though it's not intended to be personal, it is personal. I can blend with most folks when I have some practice time ahead of me. But this director takes your natural sound and goes with that. Both ways are good, its a matter of taste I suppose.

But as we are headed towards our last few rehearsals to performance she has changed our seating from a big circle, to 2 rows and then to three. Each time I was seated next to Melody. She is younger by 10 years, very outgoing, beautiful voice. For awhile, I was intimidated. But as I got to know her better that went away and I started to suspect we might sing well together.

When we went to the 2 row config last week, I was positive. I called her midweek after rehearsal and told her this. We car pooled this week, and at rehearsal she was standing next to me in three row again and low and behold she passed me a note that said, OMG this blend is so FREAKY. I had to laugh.

We did some tests in the car and yup. Its there. I think she is going to do a duet with me at my recital. Then next year we have plans to learn any duets together before the audition and show the director what we are truly made of.

The other by-product of this is, I have a new friend.

Now, for those of you who know me, I always have a large circle of people whom I consider friends. I was not actually in the market for this one to be honest, but I am not in the least bit upset about it. It was a wonderful surprise. What is truly funny is how similar we are. She is me at that age. Right down to her looks. She's bright and funny, vivacious, personable and all the things that I was then and am the older version of now.

Most of my friends are older than I am, by a good amount. 10 + years is the norm actually. I have my best friends from college and my best friend from childhood, but by and large my friends have always been older. I have never been the older one. So this is uncharted territory for me. Not bad, just different. I think it will be fun to be the older one for a change, though we look similar enough to be sisters. Crazy.

So all in all, I am very pleased with this new development.

Halloween

Halloween - All Hallows Eve. The day/night that departed souls come out and dance on their graves.

My mom does a Halloween listening exercise with her students that she has been doing since I was in the third grade. I love it to death and I think I am going to do it myself this year.

She's puts on Danse Macabre by Camille Saint Saens and gives the kids paper and crayons and tells them to draw what they think or feel based on the music. She plays it once. Then she plays it a second time and they get to draw. We used to do this as kids and it is amazing the pictures that the kids produce. This a tradition that I think I am going to start again.

It pains me that the world is no longer safe enough for kids to go out trick or treating anymore. And even though some neighborhoods are still OK to do this in, the treats they get are still suspect. When I was young the worst thing we had to worry about were razor blades in apples and our parents just didn't let us eat things that weren't sealed or from a trusted source. You can't even do that anymore.

More property damage is done by the living than the dead would ever bother with. Their whole gig is to rise up and dance on their graves in an orderly fashion until midnight when All Saints day dawns then they return to their graves until next year. So why do the living have to make this night about damage - Property or otherwise? Even well behaved kids are looking to buy shaving cream and eggs. Animal shelters stop allowing the adoption of black cats in the beginning of September. Our parents used to talk about "the crazies" who only targeted kids on Halloween.What has the world come to when the true targets of a fun holiday are children and animals?

This year my usual Halloween party is not happening and I'm pretty sure if I arrived on a doorstep in costume with no kids, at the most I'd get laughed at and at the least they'd call the cops. I'm sad because Lilli usually throws this party and it's WONDERFUL. We have the best time and she goes all out. So I didn't plan to get a costume this year. So last week when my director suggested we all come in costume to our rehearsal and have a gathering afterward I almost died laughing. So I looked at the two that I have readily available and I am going as a bar maid. I'll send pics. this aught to be a hoot.

I am bringing my camera as no one will believe this!!!

It's not just a kids holiday.