Self Protection and Introspection

I discovered last night, that the loneliness that I am feeling now, is specifically holiday related.

I am not even sure that I am willing to go so far as to call it loneliness. It's more like being hurt that no one wants me around for the Holiday. (Other than Maple Mama and one other friend in New England of course).

Now the logical and realistic part of me says that I am being ridiculous, I would absolutely be with my family if they were here! My mom is away, my brother with his in-laws, my step mom is having company but hasn't invited me, my friends are away or working. So my issues are a smidgeon irrational.

But it brought up a new problem. If I were married, this wouldn't be a problem. If I were even engaged, it wouldn't be a problem. Of course I would have different problems LOL....

So go ahead. what's the next logical question? Why am I not married?

It can't be that I "just haven't met the right chap". Though I can safely tell you that lately I haven't. One prospect but no high hopes at this time.

Nope, its fear. I am afraid of having my heart broken and I am afraid of getting divorced. Yes, I am jumping the gun dramatically here. I don't even have someone in my life to be worrying about this crap WITH! My friends have been married and divorced, some multiple times, and it hasn't killed any of them. It hasn't sent any of them over the edge of sanity and all of them have re-married or found someone else. So why am I so afraid?

My parents divorced at an early age. My dad took it very badly ( it was more a sense of failure I think than losing his wife) and spent the early years of my life drinking himself out of the pain . this is mainly why I drink less now and never when emotional pain is that bad. My mom, ultimately ended up marrying one of my dad's closest friends. A man she didn't even like when my folks were together. Watching what my dad went through I can't imagine the heartbreak. When people divorce there is usually one who wants it more than the other. My dad was the one who didn't want it. Too much upheaval of his way of life. But he knew they weren't happy.

What sticks out in my mind most, is how we would go to him on the weekends, in the town I currently live in, and we would go to a bar/restaurant for dinner for us and drinks for him on Friday, Saturday he would leave money on the dining room table so I could walk to the 7-11 next door and get cereal, milk, chef boyardee and car food and carton of cigarettes for him. He would sleep most of the day and then maybe an activity in the late afternoon and dinner.

It never bothered me that I was taking care of my dad and my brother at the age of 10. But I realized that in taking care of my dad and watching him mend his broken heart that that may have taken a toll on me that I didn't realize. So I self protected and didn't allow my heart to be available in a healthy way.

So again upon reflecting, I now know that I need to be braver and take more risks. Not just with the mundane things, like auditions and stuff, but with my heart. I'm not really good at it, but I'm willing to try. I tend to only let my heart go to people who can guarantee to break it, or be unavailable to it. A self fulfilling prophecy of sorts. So, my plan now is to change that. Completely. Change is coming to me easier now that I am more humble about the weight loss changes I needed to make. So we add this to the list of things that I am working on.

I had an entire conversation with myself as if I were the therapist and and the patient last night. That's when it occured to me what was wrong. It was rather funny - BUT ( and here's the whole WW thing in context) I used one of the Tools for living to have that conversation and get to the root of the problem! A big step for me! Such a cool postive change and I am proud of myself for doing it on something truly hard.

This is a big deal for me. Until Last night, I have never really thought out what I was doing that was wrong here. So this holiday season, I can safely tell you that taking those risks with my heart is going to be tough, but I am willing to try. That prospect I mentioned, I think I need to arrange a meeting.. ... He's cute and brilliant and a musician! can't pass up that opp!

A special Thanks to Post-Doc and Maple Mama for having the courage and honesty to post the difficult stuff. I am only just getting brave enough to write it here at all!