Next Steps

All this introspection is exhausting.

Worth it, but really exhausting.

No matter how much I tell you guys that it doesn't matter that I will be alone on Thanksgiving for the first time EVER - it does matter.

Evidently more than I thought too, I called up one of my good friends who normally hosts, and she's not hosting this year due to a death in the family over the summer. This was my "safe school". Oops. I actually invited myself ( she would have too if the roles were reversed) because we have that kind of relationship. She felt bad and totally understood where I was coming from on certain points like the family member who's hosting the day and didn't invite me. She knows this person and agree's that they are being vindictive to the wrong people. She also said that even if I get an invite from her, stay home - otherwise the doormat that I once was will continue.

That person is a lonely person and I am not lonely - I normally don't have any issues being by myself. I don't wallow or ruminate. I just "am". A major holiday though - that's a different story.

This is a weird year. people who normally cook aren't, those who don't, are and people who never go away are away. It's just weird. It's like the world went on and left me here and I never knew there was that kind of change in the air.

So I haven't officially decided whether I am going up to Westport CT or if I am staying home by myself or somewhere in between yet. I probably won't decide until next week officially.

It still confounded me that this little thing - and let's be realistic - it's a "little" thing, really bothers me. So I am trying to work through it - like an adult. It's not easy because all these emotions get in the way. But that's all right - better to get them OUT of the way so they don't stay bottled up.

I'll get through this one. And my lesson is, that person in my family really doesn't want to have family. I keep trying to take care of them as my dad would have wanted, but they don't want it. So I have to make peace with the fact that they don't choose to be part of the family due to the issues that happened between them and another member. It just sucks that they are trying to make me have to pay for it. I have to make peace with the fact that I will never see my family memories and heirlooms again too. That's just stuff, but it's a part of my personal history. I'm glad I have the few I have already. I am going to have to be selective - something I hate - about the nature of our relationship moving forward. They want to have one, but I am beng relegated to "acquaintance" now, which I have a problem with.

Damnit. I did NOTHING wrong here. And I am being "taught" a lesson for it. They know that they are wrong for this too, otherwise more people would know about it. They have a habit of telling the free world when I have done something to upset them. And EVERYTHING I do is wrong. I don't lose weight the way they want, I don't dress the way they want, I don't eat the way the want, wear my hair the way they want, sing the way they want ( or not at all is their preference), worship the way the want, I know too much, I don't know enough.

You know what this is? The map of an insecure mind. This person is old enough to my parent, and they are so insecure that they need to be-little and berate others to be on top.

I have always known this and felt sorry for them. NOw I realize they have been doing it to me too... all along. If you can't beat them join them??? hell no. I have my own insecurities and they have been fed by this person for 25 years. Well. Those days are over too. Just a few days ago, they called me up to tell me that they had a medical test that I had inquired about a couple of weeks ago. It turned out negative which is wonderful. Then they told me the only reason they had it was to prove they were of sound mind when they updated their will.

That was uncalled for. I don't give a crap what they do with their "things". At the end of the day, those "things" are just things. I called them the next morning to tell them that the statement that was made and the spirit in which it was made, was not fair. At the end of the day, given the options, as much of a pain in the ass as they are, I would rather have them here. healthy. And That I resented the implication that I was a mercenary waiting around for death. We aren't like that and we weren't raised that way. They were properly conciliatory but not as much as I would have hoped. I don't think they believed me.

I thought this was a good first step to making the necessary changes to make me better and happier.


Yayyyyyyyy me!!!!!!!!!!!!!